Laelaps

On to better things…

I suppose today is as good a day as any to break the news to you all, especially since Janet has just made an announcement similar to the one I’m about to make.

As many of you are aware, my academic career has been rather rough, my university not being of very much help in preparing me for a career in vertebrate paleontology. This past week, I received notice that I have been in college for so long (and that my transcript is so poor), that I would have to start all over from freshman year again. 120 credits, gone in the blink of an eye. What’s more, I’d have to pay double the regular tuition rate in cash, delivered to a shadowy figure 6 months before the start of each semester, the final indignity being having to wear a “Dunce” cap while retaking my courses.

Obviously I cannot abide such treatment, and I have to give up on my dreams of studying extinct organisms. It’s probably just as well; there’s no money in the science biz. Big Science just doesn’t have room for another wannabe writer and paleontologist, and so I must move on to other projects. This means leaving Sb, but do not fear, dear reader. I’ll be whoring out my writing skills to make the most of whatever trends seem most lucrative and likely to get me a book deal.

I already have some material planned. Many of you might have heard of the “Dog Whisperer” Cesar Milan. Well, he’s repeatedly said on his shows that he could never be a “Cat Whisperer.” I’ve decided to exploit this open niche, taking in as many cats as I possibly could to train them and learn their feline ways, and I’ll soon be ready to make my public appearance as the “Cat Whisperer.”

In what will surely be a best-selling book, I have to admit I borrowed Cesar’s approach in training the person keeping the animals more than the animals themselves. When a cat poops on an afghan your grandmother made, it’s saying that you need to reorganize and redecorate. If a feline pukes on your shoes, they’re trying to remind you that those are out of style and that you should go shopping. When a cat starts to claw you and bite you at 4 AM, they want you to wake up early to put in a long day at work so the cabinets will stay stocked with tuna. Indeed, it can be difficult to decipher the ways of the cat, but with my forthcoming book, you’ll soon be at ease with your furry friends.

After that, who knows? Some of my ideas for future projects including tracking down the mysterious Nandi bear, writing the biography Deepak Chopra: World’s Greatest Scientist, and holding a telepathic interview with Shamu about the life and times of a whale in captivity. Indeed, I intend to be very busy as the bucks roll in, but I’ll eventually retire in some mansion with my trophy wife.

I know this news may disappoint and upset some of you, but the conspiracy to keep me from becoming a scientist is just too effective. It’d be much safer to peddle nonsense and turn a profit while doing so, and I just can’t say no to a pile of money. I’m sure ScienceBlogs will continue on, though, especially since William Dembski will soon come on board to fill the gap.

Comments

  1. #1 Zeno
    April 1, 2008

    I suppose today is as good a day as any

    Actually, I think other days would not be nearly as good as today for your announcement, which is perfectly timed.

  2. #2 Mrs. Laelaps
    April 1, 2008

    Well, this “trophy wife” wants a divorce! I hope some of your devoted former readers will offer you a place to stay while you’re “Cat Whispering”!

  3. #3 Yttrai
    April 1, 2008

    Bummer about being dumped by your wife on the interwebs.

    At least you’ll be getting a lot of p…

    Nope, even i can’t go that far ;)

  4. #4 Blake Stacey
    April 1, 2008

    Oh noes!

  5. #5 Lassi Hippeläinen
    April 1, 2008

    I think Brian was referring to his trophy wife at the time of retirement.

  6. #6 Nimravid
    April 1, 2008

    “I’m sure ScienceBlogs will continue on, though, especially since William Dembski will soon come on board to fill the gap.”

    And I was *just about* to take a sip of tea! One millisecond from disaster. . .

    I have a cat you can have to aid in your new career.

  7. #7 Christophe Thill
    April 1, 2008

    Picture of a cat puking on a pair of ugly shoes :
    “Im in ur shoo cabinet,
    Makin a fashun statement”

    Hmm… On April 1st, shouldn’t that actually be a LOLfish… ?

  8. #8 makita
    April 1, 2008

    I’m not falling for this one! Oh no, not me! Try again tomorrow.

  9. #9 Elisabeth
    April 1, 2008

    I want to comment, but it’s really hard to laugh hysterically and type at the same time!

  10. #10 stillwaggon
    April 1, 2008

    Wonderful! But I am in need of a cat whisperer; Hilda Bigfoot Bushybritches has been driving me crazy for 13 years, but I’ll probably last a bit longer on my own. Incidentally Bushybritches is descriptive, not political.

  11. #11 Melanie
    April 1, 2008

    This better be an April fool’s joke, Brian, or someone in Rutgers is going to have their ass kicked.

  12. #12 jck
    April 1, 2008

    I have the opposite problem. My cats whisper to me. They say “kill….”

  13. #13 Zach Miller
    April 1, 2008

    I thought you were serious until: 1) I realized what day it is; and 2) “CAT WHISPERER?”

  14. #14 The Ridger
    April 1, 2008

    Brilliant. One of the best.

  15. #15 Ms. Gullible
    April 1, 2008

    I thought you were serious until I read the comments. I was thinking, how can they not count his credit hours?!

    Just call me Ms. Gullible

    (Did you know that they removed the word gullible from the dictionary? At least thats what my children told me….)

  16. #16 Mike Haubrich, FCD
    April 1, 2008

    How coincidental. I have just been offered a position at Rutgers studying vertebrate paleontology.

    I don’t get it.

  17. #17 Emile
    April 2, 2008

    Deepak Chopra: World’s Greatest Scientist? Oh noes! Anything but that!

  18. #18 Dana Hunter
    April 2, 2008

    I knew you wouldn’t disappoint me! This is genius, and it’s going up on my April Fool’s Hall o’ Fame! (O’ course, you’ll have to scroll down as I haven’t written the thing yet…) Simply awesome.

  19. #19 Smilodon
    April 2, 2008

    Glancing at this entry yesterday, I was at first inclined to take it seriously, even allowing for the date. Then I read more closely …

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