I suppose today is as good a day as any to break the news to you all, especially since Janet has just made an announcement similar to the one I’m about to make.
As many of you are aware, my academic career has been rather rough, my university not being of very much help in preparing me for a career in vertebrate paleontology. This past week, I received notice that I have been in college for so long (and that my transcript is so poor), that I would have to start all over from freshman year again. 120 credits, gone in the blink of an eye. What’s more, I’d have to pay double the regular tuition rate in cash, delivered to a shadowy figure 6 months before the start of each semester, the final indignity being having to wear a “Dunce” cap while retaking my courses.
Obviously I cannot abide such treatment, and I have to give up on my dreams of studying extinct organisms. It’s probably just as well; there’s no money in the science biz. Big Science just doesn’t have room for another wannabe writer and paleontologist, and so I must move on to other projects. This means leaving Sb, but do not fear, dear reader. I’ll be whoring out my writing skills to make the most of whatever trends seem most lucrative and likely to get me a book deal.
I already have some material planned. Many of you might have heard of the “Dog Whisperer” Cesar Milan. Well, he’s repeatedly said on his shows that he could never be a “Cat Whisperer.” I’ve decided to exploit this open niche, taking in as many cats as I possibly could to train them and learn their feline ways, and I’ll soon be ready to make my public appearance as the “Cat Whisperer.”
In what will surely be a best-selling book, I have to admit I borrowed Cesar’s approach in training the person keeping the animals more than the animals themselves. When a cat poops on an afghan your grandmother made, it’s saying that you need to reorganize and redecorate. If a feline pukes on your shoes, they’re trying to remind you that those are out of style and that you should go shopping. When a cat starts to claw you and bite you at 4 AM, they want you to wake up early to put in a long day at work so the cabinets will stay stocked with tuna. Indeed, it can be difficult to decipher the ways of the cat, but with my forthcoming book, you’ll soon be at ease with your furry friends.
After that, who knows? Some of my ideas for future projects including tracking down the mysterious Nandi bear, writing the biography Deepak Chopra: World’s Greatest Scientist, and holding a telepathic interview with Shamu about the life and times of a whale in captivity. Indeed, I intend to be very busy as the bucks roll in, but I’ll eventually retire in some mansion with my trophy wife.
I know this news may disappoint and upset some of you, but the conspiracy to keep me from becoming a scientist is just too effective. It’d be much safer to peddle nonsense and turn a profit while doing so, and I just can’t say no to a pile of money. I’m sure ScienceBlogs will continue on, though, especially since William Dembski will soon come on board to fill the gap.