This afternoon I'm going to be taking the first of three final exams I'm going to be subjected to between now and Wednesday, although this semester's battery of tests is much more formidable than last fall's. For whatever reason (probably the combination of my own poor choices and the vagaries of class scheduling) the spring semester is always more difficult than the fall semester during any given year, the gauntlet of May exams annually filling me with dread. Even when the tests are over I still can't rest easy; there's always the threat of a thin envelope from the office of academic affairs appearing in my mailbox, notifying me that I've been unceremoniously dismissed.
I was hoping that as I inched closer to obtaining my undergraduate degree things would become less stressful, my future plans falling into place as I filled in the blank spots on my transcript. Instead I'm mired in a swamp of poor grades, perpetually in danger of being sucked under if only one class goes poorly. Even if I'm able to struggle free over the next year and hold in my hand the exceedingly expensive piece of paper representing my struggles, it doesn't seem like there is going to be any smooth transition into higher studies for me. Even though I will have succeeded in achieving the smaller goal, I've constantly been told that I am essentially an academic undesirable, better suited to writing than scientific study.
I wish I had cause to be less pessimistic, but I feel ground down by my time in college so far. I need to have a degree to do anything even approximating what I would like to do, but every time I think that I am starting to make some progress some vile rule, regulation, or stipulation suddenly appears that puts me two steps back. As for this semester, there's little I can do other than do the best I can on the finals and hope that it's enough to let me gain access to what should be my final undergraduate year. After that, what I may or may not be able to do is murky and difficult to discern one way or another, but I can't worry myself too much about that now. I have more more immediate concerns, and (as strange as it may sound) I hope that they will eventually fall away so that I can try and tackle some larger issues about whether I'll ever be a paleontologist or not.
Thanks to everyone who offered me advice and support in the comments. The first exam actually wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be; about 70% of the test questions involved basic concepts of evolution, ecology, and taxonomy, and I felt pretty confident on those sections. The rest of the test focused on different systems (i.e. respiration, excretion, etc.), but I think I came out of it alright. All I have to do now is await the final class grade, but I'm not as nervous about it as I was. One down, two to go...
Comments
The Beginning of the End?
Hell no. You've got dreams, my friend. You're not going out without a big ol' fight.
Hang in there...
Posted by: Amanda | May 9, 2008 10:17 AM
Tests are gonna happen anyway, right? So you just as well think you are GETTING to take them rather than HAVING to take them.
Posted by: Jim Thomerson | May 9, 2008 10:53 AM
Amanda; Thanks for the encouragement. I think I'll make it through this year alright, but you never know...
Jim; Maybe your right, but I don't want to give the profs the satisfaction of thinking of exams as a privilege. ;) Believe it or not, I actually prefer term papers, essays, presentations, etc. to impersonal multiple choice tests. If I write a paper or give a presentation I can really dig in and show what I know. With a multiple choice exam there's a lot more stress involved (Did I study the right material? What if they ask this? What's the most important thing to study?) centered on worrying about what I don't know rather than what I feel I've actually learned. Then again, being at a large university with classes that have hundreds of students, papers and presentations are rarely a possibility.
Posted by: Laelaps | May 9, 2008 11:05 AM
The Internet can be a poor medium for doing the old buck-up-old-fellow routine, but I'll try anyway: hang on and don't let the university stop you! Your writing and your interactions here have more than ably demonstrated that you've got a working brain, so if your educational career is not running smoothly, I'd say that it's Rutgers which is failing to meet its job description!
My only credentials are that I wrangled a degree out of MIT — I've been "wandering the Earth" too much to make progress toward additional diplomas — but I'd suggest you work to cultivate relationships with professors and researchers in your field. Sounds pretty obvious, maybe, but when the paperwork is not your friend, you need to find colleagues who can look past your transcript and see your ability.
I completely agree! It probably helps that I like to write and don't get stage fright. For other people, the way I'd like to be graded would be sheer hell.
(I feel a little sinful when somebody else's troubles make me realize how good I've had it — in this case, I remembered that in the science I chose to study, multiple-choice tests vanished once I got to college, and I was momentarily jubilant.)
Yet another argument for small class sizes!
Posted by: Blake Stacey | May 9, 2008 12:22 PM
You are not more suited for writing than research! You are well suited for both! To hell with what those others say.
I am gunning for you to get 100% on all of your exams! Go for it, Brian! You're a very smart person, and I know you will do well. Best of luck on the bio final today.
Posted by: Melanie | May 9, 2008 12:51 PM
One day at a time. Looking too far ahead can seem overwhelming. In the meantime, keep an open mind. I can't believe anybody who reads this blog would think you can't do research. I know from experience that sometimes rescue arrives when you're ready to give up.
Posted by: jck | May 9, 2008 1:57 PM
When taking a multiple guess exam, go with your first guess. Do not go back and change an answer if you can possibly help it. If you have no clue as to the answer mark #2 or #B, and move right along.
A cautionary tale. I was finishing up my MS in Geology at Texas Tech. I was accepted by the Tulane Biology PhD program with support. So I get a Tulane catalog and study it carefully. I am supposed to have had "A laboratory course in organic chemistry". I did not plan to spend my time at Tulane slugging it out with the pre-meds; so what to do? Get out the Tech catalog, and find a three hour, with lab, course, "Organic Chemistry for Agriculture Majors". I take same; it is good to know some organic chemisty. I'm being advised by the department chair at Tulane. "Well, young man, have you had a laboratory course in organic chemistry?" "Oh, Yes Sir, I surely have." Score one for the home team!
Posted by: Jim Thomerson | May 9, 2008 4:21 PM
All the best for the exams Brian. Don't beat yourself - or your lecturers - up before the exams are done results are out. You're prone to introspection about this stuff, don't let that cloud your mind when you want all your wits about you.
Posted by: Peter McGrath | May 9, 2008 5:10 PM
I want to say everything those people up there ^ said, only more so.
You are a helluva gifted person. I can tell. Nothing can stop you from doing whatever you want to do.
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | May 9, 2008 10:10 PM
For what it's worth, I think you've got what it takes. Your writing and your enthusiasm for the research alone demonstrate that.
If it helps, I had a rather rocky road at times heading towards my chosen academic profession. I'm a professor of theoretical physics, now, even though I nearly flunked algebra in 8th grade (got a low 'C'!), squeaked by in a particularly daunting solid state physics course in my undergrad years, and bombed a number of tests throughout them. I also wandered aimlessly through several of my grad years, wondering if I was wasting my time.
"...I've constantly been told that I am essentially an academic undesirable..."
There are lots of people that will tell you what you should be or what you should do, but keep in mind that most of them are basing their opinion on what works/worked for them, not what works for you. This is generally true in life, but perhaps more true in academia.
Posted by: gg | May 9, 2008 10:56 PM
Brian,
As a long-time college science teacher, I can only wish that you were one of my students. I cannot imagine why you have low grades. As for multiple guess questions, as I explain to my kids, first, the admin requires that the final grades be submitted a scant few days after the test period. This discourages us from presenting tests that take a long time to grade.(Of course they are all for academic rigor, too.) Second, my students like m. g. questions, apparently because they can be answered with little thought. But students do no better on these questions, in fact generally do poorly. I add that the teacher inventing these questions needs to make up several "distractors" that sound reasonable but are incorrect, with the consequence that the teacher is trying to fool the students, or lead them into error. Hmm.
I'd like to add that this time of year is also stressful for us teachers, as well.
Hang in there. We need more scientists like you.
Bob Carroll
Posted by: Bob Carroll | May 9, 2008 11:21 PM
Brian, I'm going to speak the truth here:
You are brilliant. Academia, especially the undergrad portions thereof, frequently fails to reveal said brilliance, but you've more than ably demonstrated it here.
You are going to make it. If you have to get in through the back door, then through the back door you'll go. Your writing will bring you connections, and those connections will bring you to where you need to be.
There will be moments of doubt and despair. You'll look back at those with a drink in your hand in later, successful years, and laugh yourself sick at them. Things sometimes don't take the path we expect them to. I know this from experience. You'll get where you're going: it won't matter if you took the freeway or a scenic drive.
Finally, while I hesitate to bring magic up in a science blog (;-P), here's a quote from Goethe that might give you a necessary boost:
Whatever you can do,
or dream you can,
Begin it!
For boldness has genius, power and
Magic in it.
You can do this.
Posted by: Dana Hunter | May 10, 2008 5:14 AM
The qualities of a good undergraduate are completly different than the qualities of a good graduate student. Many of us who were good undergraduates struggled in that transition. I think you will just blossom as a graduate student.
Just hang in there and finish the degree. As others have pointed out, grades are not the only consideration for getting into graduate school. If there is a PI willing to take a chance on you (and there will be), you'll get into graduate school and get on a good path.
Posted by: Junco | May 10, 2008 11:15 AM