Mike the Mad Biologist

You might have heard of Family Security Matters, a rightwing faith-tank that has been embarrassed by one of their members, Philip Atkinson. He embarased them so thoroughly that FSM has purged all reference to him from its website (more about that, later). So what was the offending passage, given that FSM’s stable of commentators is, well, rather unstable? Here’s Atkinson, in a column titled “Conquering the Drawbacks of Democracy“:

When faced with the possible threat that the Iraqis might be amassing terrible weapons that could be used to slay millions of citizens of Western Civilization, President Bush took the only action prudence demanded and the electorate allowed: he conquered Iraq with an army.

This dangerous and expensive act did destroy the Iraqi regime, but left an American army without any clear purpose in a hostile country and subject to attack. If the Army merely returns to its home, then the threat it ended would simply return.

The wisest course would have been for President Bush to use his nuclear weapons to slaughter Iraqis until they complied with his demands, or until they were all dead. Then there would be little risk or expense and no American army would be left exposed. But if he did this, his cowardly electorate would have instantly ended his term of office, if not his freedom or his life.

Let’s explore this a little. First, murdering and irradiating millions of non-combatants is a war crime. It would be cowardly not to impeach El Jefe Maximo. While we’re on this subject, suppose we had nuked Iraq. Meanwhile, back in the reality-based plane of existence, there are no weapons of mass destruction. What do we say then? “Oops. My bad.” Or perhaps, “Thermonuclear shit happens.” As to the threat returning, erm, Saddam Hussein and his sons are dead. No more threat from that quarter.

But wait there’s more crazy:

Israel provides the perfect example. If the Israelis do not raze Iran, the Iranians will fulfill their boast and wipe Israel off the face of the earth. Yet Israel is not popular, and so is denied permission to defend itself. In the same vein, President Bush cannot do what is necessary for the survival of Americans. He cannot use the nation’s powerful weapons. All he can do is try and discover a result that will be popular with Americans.

Of course, Israel’s arsenal of roughly 200 nuclear weapons, and a much larger air force won’t serve as any deterent whatsoever. Moving along, we learn some history:

However, President Bush has a valuable historical example that he could choose to follow.

When the ancient Roman general Julius Caesar was struggling to conquer ancient Gaul, he not only had to defeat the Gauls, but he also had to defeat his political enemies in Rome who would destroy him the moment his tenure as consul (president) ended.

Caesar pacified Gaul by mass slaughter; he then used his successful army to crush all political opposition at home and establish himself as permanent ruler of ancient Rome. This brilliant action not only ended the personal threat to Caesar, but ended the civil chaos that was threatening anarchy in ancient Rome – thus marking the start of the ancient Roman Empire that gave peace and prosperity to the known world.

Except to the progenitors of Christianity, known as Jews. And that Pilate guy, what a peach!

From Caesar, a tyrant, Bush should learn the following foreign policy lesson:

If President Bush copied Julius Caesar by ordering his army to empty Iraq of Arabs and repopulate the country with Americans, he would achieve immediate results: popularity with his military; enrichment of America by converting an Arabian Iraq into an American Iraq (therefore turning it from a liability to an asset); and boost American prestiege while terrifying American enemies.

Because the United States of America should follow the Slobodan Milosovich Plan for Peace. And domestically:

He could then follow Caesar’s example and use his newfound popularity with the military to wield military power to become the first permanent president of America, and end the civil chaos caused by the continually squabbling Congress and the out-of-control Supreme Court.

That damn out-of control Supreme Court… appointed, with two exceptions, by Republican presidents. But really, this would be a good thing:

President Bush can fail in his duty to himself, his country, and his God, by becoming “ex-president” Bush or he can become “President-for-Life” Bush: the conqueror of Iraq, who brings sense to the Congress and sanity to the Supreme Court. Then who would be able to stop Bush from emulating Augustus Caesar and becoming ruler of the world? For only an America united under one ruler has the power to save humanity from the threat of a new Dark Age wrought by terrorists armed with nuclear weapons.

Someone needs to tell Atkinson that, in The Lord of the Rings, Sauron was the bad guy.

Now, one thing that’s been suggested is that Family Security Matters didn’t realize what Atkinson had written. Of course, that’s why he was placed under the “FSM’s Must Reads” section. Trust me, if a non-profit has a website, they keep track of what’s on it, often to the point of excrutiating ridiculousness. This was no accident–the crazy of the rightwing base always goes to eleven.

And to think that they were caught, by Dirty Fucking Hippie bloggers, no less.

Comments

  1. #1 J-Dog
    August 22, 2007

    Article says: This brilliant action not only ended the personal threat to Caesar, but ended the civil chaos that was threatening anarchy in ancient Rome – thus marking the start of the ancient Roman Empire that gave peace and prosperity to the known world.

    WTFFFFFFF???

    Years of civil wars followed. Thousands died.

    However, if we brought back the quaint Roman custom of crucifixion, and applied it to right-wing idiots, I guess I could go along with that. If just seems so right!

  2. #2 Mark Nutter
    August 22, 2007

    Good post except this bit: “As to the threat returning, erm, Saddam Hussein and his sons are dead. No more threat from that quarter.” Part of the Dubya problem is Scooby Doo thinking: just nab the bad guy and everything else solves itself. Let’s not kid ourselves, Saddam had plenty of wannabees waiting in the wings, and we’ll be hearing from them as soon as the current government loses its US military support.

  3. #3 Sarcastro
    August 22, 2007

    I believe the oh-so ancient Roman, Flavorius Flavius, once remarked “We can do this like Brutus!”

    Frango regna.

  4. #4 BlueinRed
    August 22, 2007

    Title 18, section 2383, U.S. Code

    2383. Rebellion or insurrection

    Whoever incites, sets on foot, assists, or engages in any rebellion or insurrection against the authority of the United States or the laws thereof, or gives aid or comfort thereto, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than ten years, or both; and shall be incapable of holding any office under the United States.

  5. #5 Keith
    August 22, 2007

    This is the sort of guy who decides that we must resort to cannibalism when only lost at sea for an hour and a half and still within sight of land.

  6. #6 bigTom
    August 22, 2007

    I do suspect that hadn’t actually read what he said, and just put it up. But it does show what happens when you divide the world into us (god fearing born agains), and everyone else. The later are considered to have zero or negative value. Logic then dictates this sort of policy.

  7. #7 Troublesome Frog
    August 22, 2007

    But if he did this, his cowardly electorate would have instantly ended his term of office, if not his freedom or his life.

    An interesting use of the word “cowardly” from somebody who would rather slaughter millions of children than live with the minimal possibility that a terrorist may harm him somewhere along the line.