Ok, so it’s not real. But this is an awesome proposal and post by a teacher:
I have used a bank many times. I have a checking account and a savings account (although I do admit I haven’t added anything to my savings account for the past fifteen years since my pay has been frozen.) Nevertheless, the fact that I have made deposits, written checks, and I understand in theory the concept of a savings account makes me uniquely qualified to reorganize your operations.
I love that. Anyway, the proposal:
In a program I will call NDLB (No Depositor Left Behind) all banks will from this day on be ranked and given a grade based on their average customer bank balance….
In order to win the future, it is my belief as a self-stated expert that ALL depositors must hit certain benchmarks by 2014. Your bank will be monitored for progress towards these goals.
Here are the benchmarks:
By 2011, 60% of your depositors must have at least $100,000 in their savings accounts.
By 2012, 75% of your depositors must have at least $500,000 in their savings accounts.
By 2013, 90% of your depositors must have at least $750,000 in their savings accounts.
By 2014, 100% of your depositors must have at least $1,000,000 in their savings accounts.
We believe these are reasonable benchmarks that will ensure all depositors our constitutional right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. We the people standing in line at the bank reserve the right to increase these benchmarks any time we feel we don’t have enough money.
And it has a very good enforcement mechanism:
Having your failing grade posted in the newspaper along with directions to the nearest successful bank.
Cutting the number of workers in your bank in half and doubling the workload for everyone else who is left.
Meeting every Thursday before the bank opens with experts randomly chosen from the drive through line to discuss any data about why your bank is underperforming.
Closing underperforming banks and reopening them with better performing workers from successful banks that have hit the benchmarks (or people we find in line at the unemployment line), whichever we find easier.
A percentage of the banks’ deposits will be set aside for randomly chosen experts to meet to figure out how the heck to get your depositors to their benchmarks. Since we anticipate that will be a very difficult job, we experts may have to meet in places like Hawaii where it is a known fact that it’s easier to think.
But I loved this:
This is not meant in any way to be punitive. We realize that in some areas of the country it will be tough to get your depositors to the stated benchmarks due to unemployment, and poverty. But we must stress that there are no excuses. We believe in you as bankers and we believe in depositors’ innate ability to grow their bank accounts. No matter how tough it gets, you must remember that our future is at stake. This is for the pride of our country. It is simply unacceptable to let America’s depositors fall behind depositors in other countries. We know you will join everyone in happily doing your part to win that future.
As the kids used to say, read the whole thing.