Neurotopia

I was thinking about the difficulties that women have defending their reproductive rights, and the constant intrusion from a predominantly white-male-run government has slowly eroded women’s ability to control what happens to their own bodies. Ok, ok, maybe birth control and abortion are all too radically new for a country that just allowed women to vote a mere 90 years ago, and men just aren’t ready to let women have full control of their uteri (I mean come on, you’ve have had them for millions of years and you just let the damned things wander all over your body at the slightest provocation), but this whole exploding oil rig/Gulf oil spill kerfluffle and the debate over what responsibility British Petroleum has in the cleanup has given me an idea how we can finally end any politicizing of abortion, decisively, once and for all.

Ladies, the time has come to incorporate your uteri.

Think about it. Your uterus is already outside your realm of control. By legally decoupling yourself from it, you actually gain more control over this precious organ! As a separate legal entity, your uterus will enjoy legal privileges and liabilities that are independent of the board of directors which manages it. Your uterus can have:

  • legal personhood
  • Limited liability
  • Transferable shares
  • Centralized management under a board structure
  • Shared ownership by contributors of capital.

Let’s start with legal personhood: Bam. Your uterus already enjoys more independence than it previously had! Before, it was nothing more than a baby vat for which you were in charge of tending. Because technically, “your” uterus doesn’t belong to you. It belongs to whichever guy happens to be fucking you, or in lieu of that it belongs to the state for the sole purpose of creating more babies and scaring the everloving christ out of you, should you try to have a say in what happens to it, even if that means by having doctors stuff more crap up there against your will, and lie about what goes on in there.

And limited liability? BP will do whatever it can to get out of this multi-billion dollar cleanup responsibility and slough off Gulf Toilet cleanup on the taxpayers, much like your uterine lining is sloughed off into the actual toilet every month. Why shouldn’t the Fit Uterine CorporationTM enjoy the same privileges? An incorporated uterus can be used for any purposes the board and management seeks to do with it. Make babies, abort babies, stuff it full of Pop Rocks, shit it don’t matter. As a corporation, your uterus doesn’t have to worry about consequences. Like BP, FUCTM can have the state take care of your uterus at taxpayer expense, while imposing no restrictions on uterine use. That means you can have an abortion, and bill the taxpayers. You can have your uterus removed, and bill the taxpayers. Your water breaks and ruins a produce stand at the grocery store? The taxpayers clean up that sack of potatoes you just soiled with amniotic fluid. You can even charge John Q. Public for pads, tampons, birth control, condoms, whatever is part of your standard unclean menstrual and/or sexual regimens. And– likely you AND your uterus can claim a tax deduction for offspring. This privilege may potentially be extended to the entire board of directors, or perhaps even the other shareholders. FUCTM might want to consider having its finances handled in a Cayman tax shelter.

Centralized management under a board structure. Here is where things get sticky. Your uterus is going to be run by multiple people, so to avoid squabbles you’re probably going to want to identify like-minded women and men who will care for your uterus in a predetermined manner, in line with your expectations. You’ll probably want to have them sign something before joining the Board of FUCTM. Although, it is a hell of a lot easier to kick off one patriarchial board member seeking to control your uterus against your will, than it is to undo all the abortion shit your state legislature spews forth annually.

The upside: thanks to the recent Supreme Court ruling on campaign finance reform, your uterus can now purchase air time and support candidates for public office. If that doesn’t get some serious mileage into equalizing the sexes, I don’t know what will.


Shared ownership by contributors of capital
and transferable shares. People can own stock in your uterus. It will pay dividends. Your uterus (which previously wasn’t really yours and costed you a lot of money to care for) is not only maintained at taxpayer expense, it can also earn you some serious cashola! Corporations have long been used as a form of prostitution, now your uterus can be as well, either metaphorically or in the real sense! And most importantly, this prostitution is now legal wihtout having to pass any annoying laws and then take them through challenges in court. The Bunny Ranch: not just for Nevada anymore. Your uterus is FUC’edTM.

Two words: Stock. Options. Two more: Corporate. Sponsorships. Microsoft Uterus version 7.0, powered by Intel. Download new sperm into iUterus and upload a full-grown FUC ChildTM 9 months later. Note that this child will be property of the Fit Uterine CorporationTM, which opens up a whole new avenue into exploitation, potentially rectifying centuries of inequality amongst the sexes in one generation, as FUCTM can now do whatever it wishes with those annoying male FUC DronesTM while providing our little FUC PrincessesTM with exciting opportunities.

Uterine incorporation is the future. Thank you, BP, for showing us the way.

Comments

  1. #1 Isis the Scientist
    May 5, 2010

    Just like a white dude to treat our uteruses as problems that need fixing instead of a blessing. ;)

  2. #2 Raging Bee
    May 5, 2010

    Yes, but where’s the empowerment-through-genitalia-incorporation scheme for MEN? Oh, wait…

  3. #3 OhNoCamikaze
    May 5, 2010

    Yup, choked on my oatmeal.. :D

  4. #4 HappyHax0r
    May 5, 2010

    That’d be the FCC ;D.

  5. #5 Katherine
    May 5, 2010

    Omg.

  6. #6 T. Hunt
    May 5, 2010

    You betcha!

  7. #7 Alethena
    May 5, 2010

    This is fabulous. And sad. And fabulous.

  8. #8 Michelle
    May 6, 2010

    LMFAO at stuffing it with poprocks! This was hilariously awesome. Thanks.

  9. Great job. I think this is a very insightful post.

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