Exciting hints that scientists had finally discovered the existence of dark matter - the mysterious substance thought to make up a quarter of the Universe - were dashed last night as researchers realised their equipment had detected a dark mattress instead.
The premature announcement was blamed on faulty software. "Apparently, someone left an errant ampersand in our code," said an embarrassed physicist, before weeping slowly into a whisky glass.
The Cryogenic Dark Matter Search (CDMS) laboratory, buried half a mile underground in an iron mine, announced last night that they had found traces of the weakly-interacting massive particles (or WIMPs) that are thought to make up dark matter.
Instead, they had actually detected a dirty poorly-sprung mattress, left in the cave by a weakly-inebriated, noxious old-timer (or WINO).
"We thought there was around a one in four chance that we had found nothing," said one of the lead researchers, "but we now know there is a one in one chance that we have found the former sleeping materials of a sheltering vagrant."
Laboratory technicians were saddened that the most important advance in recent physics had not come to pass, but noted that the dark mattress was really rather comfortable, if not a bit wet.
Physical Science
Comments
lol!
Posted by: Lyr | December 18, 2009 11:17 AM
Was the dark mattress where the big bang took place?
Posted by: Bob O'H | December 18, 2009 12:23 PM
And now t'is my turn to lol.
Posted by: Ed Yong | December 18, 2009 12:27 PM
Awesome. Thanks for the Friday afternoon chuckle.
Posted by: Michele Arduengo | December 18, 2009 1:36 PM
Good one, Ed. WINO...heh heh...
Posted by: Zach Miller | December 18, 2009 2:33 PM
LMAO!
Posted by: Arabian Stallion | December 18, 2009 3:11 PM
I'm still trying to figure out how the ships-boson can go back in time....
Posted by: Mike Olson | December 18, 2009 3:49 PM
LOL!
Then I read the article and they said dark matter might consist of ..."weakly interacting massive particles (Wimps) and massive compact halo objects (Machos)". heehee
Posted by: aimeemax | December 18, 2009 8:08 PM
Did the mattress have black hole in it? If so, then the whole thing doesn't matter anyway.
Posted by: Carey Rowland | December 18, 2009 9:25 PM
Thanks for the chuckle! :)
Posted by: Paul Sunstone | December 19, 2009 2:37 AM
LoL! That was choice!
Posted by: IanW | December 19, 2009 7:40 AM
lol, Ed. I bet the WINO is hiding the REAL dark matter under his dark mattress.
Posted by: Briana | December 19, 2009 3:50 PM
Nice and Onion-y.
Posted by: Emily | December 20, 2009 11:01 AM
For the record, wino really is the name for the hypothesized supersymmetric partner to the W boson.
Posted by: william e emba | December 21, 2009 7:51 PM
That made me laugh. I'm trying to come up with a joke including the obelisk from 2001, but there's nothing but screaming voices in my head....
Posted by: Ken Creten | December 22, 2009 10:21 PM