As of 5:00 pm yesterday evening, I have entered the federal witness protection program. I will be transferred from the Champaign-Urbana area to an undisclosed location somewhere in the 50 contiguous states. The federal government will be setting me up with a new job and a completely new identity. For me to successfully accomplish this change in identity, I need a huge favor from a reader.

I need to have your face.

Yes, you've heard me correctly. I need to get a face transplant and one of you lucky readers could be the one!

Ok... so let me put your worries to rest about my health. According to ScienceBlog:

The first recorded facial transplant was performed in France in 2005 on a 38-year-old woman whose nose, lips and chin had been bitten off by a dog. Tissues, muscles, arteries and veins were taken from a brain-dead donor and successfully transplanted to the patient's lower face.

In addition to this positive proof of concept, doctors in Cincinatti and Louisville have reported that immunosuppressive risks are lower than previously thought. A quote from the the amazing researcher Woodle should further allay your fears for my well being:

"In estimating the risks of immunosuppression for face transplant recipients, the biggest problem is comparing apples to oranges," Woodle says. "What we have tried to do is to address the apples and oranges problem by a comprehensive and up-to-date consideration of the issue."

You heard Woodle correctly, apples and oranges are the key to the success of the first Omni Brain face transplant! How can you volunteer for such a great honor and opportunity, you might ask? All that you have to do is post a picture of yourself in the comments so I can pick out the sexiest reader (male or female; I'm not against getting a full sex change). You could also join the Facebook group for Omni Brain so I can go through your profiles and decide if you've lived a healthy life so far. Donations through PayPal would also be greatly appreciated, since I'm sure this surgery is going to be very, very costly.