Skip this if you’ve had a big breakfast

This is quite possibly the most offensive video ever: Christian pirate puppets rapping. Seriously, don’t watch it if your stomach is at all unsettled.


  1. #1 Elf Eye
    September 10, 2006

    PZ, I’m swabbing the decks right now. I literally did laugh so hard that I cried.

  2. #2 Aerik
    September 10, 2006

    *Quease…* Ugh. I’m glad I didn’t have breakfast at all yet. Already I think most people who have this fascination with pirate ‘culture’ are a bit dim. Pirates, no matter how you cut it, were rogues just as dirty as they were described. In Pirates of the Caribbean, whats-her-name would definitely have been raped if the pirates only had the equipment. Pirates wouldn’t raid a harbor and magically not get anybody killed in the process. Where was the scurvy? Geez.

    And now its Christian Pirate Rap. That’s just sick.

  3. #3 Orac
    September 10, 2006

    Is it my imagination, or did those two guys dressed as pirates pat each other on the butts near the end?

  4. #4 Dave
    September 10, 2006

    Offensive? Upsetting? It’s just sad. It’s not funny, just pathetic.

  5. #5 rlrr
    September 10, 2006

    That’s just wrong on so many levels…

  6. #6 Mena
    September 10, 2006

    Wow, ’80s style rap and posturing. How relevant to kids today! This is the lamest thing since the string of no talent actors singing oldies in the ’70s. Even boy bands weren’t this bad.

  7. #7 Molly, NYC
    September 10, 2006

    Love that Christian choreography. However, I imagine these guys are unacquainted with the phrase “Rum, sodomy and the lash.”

  8. #8 Lago
    September 10, 2006

    Please, make the images in my brain go away, …please? I beg of you, take a bullet and put it through the back of my skull so the figure of fat gay Christian pirates will be no more. It was like watching a car accident in slow motion with babies flying through the windshield while a steamroller rolls over a bag full of yelping puppies and mewing kittens…

    PZ,…never, EVER, do that to me again, or you’ll see my grieving window in court…

  9. #9 Lago
    September 10, 2006

    Now this is my type of Christian singing (Warning, Christian language)

  10. #10 Molly, NYC
    September 10, 2006

    Is it my imagination, or did those two guys dressed as pirates pat each other on the butts near the end?

    Probably not. You know how mosquitos are the natural reservoir for malaria and ducks are a natural reservoir for avian flu? Well, Bible schools are a natural reservoir for closet cases.

  11. #11 Lago
    September 10, 2006

    “PZ,…never, EVER, do that to me again, or you’ll see my grieving window in court…”

    See PZ? It should have been “Widow” and not “Window”. This is the first signs of my melting neocortex. I am gettin’ in touch with my lawyer now wheel I can still spok ins cognaetive meaner. Is it gettin’ dim in here?

  12. #12 Left_Wing_Fox
    September 10, 2006

    Lago, I was assuming you meant the window through which you would defenestrate yourself would be grieving.

  13. #13 arensb
    September 10, 2006

    If y’all enjoyed that, you may want to search Youtube for “Captain Hook Christian pirate”. They also have a segment where kids have to walk the plank for their sins.

  14. #14 Zeno
    September 10, 2006

    My, my, but that brings back memories. I have an old videotape around here somewhere that includes that horrific excerpt. “Captain Hook” was a man who lost his hand (hands?) in a motorcycle accident and thereafter became a kiddie show evangelist. The Revenge is my Destiny site has a list of hard-to-find (why are they looking?) videos that includes the one I have. They provide this description:

    PERVERSE PREACHERS, FASCIST FUNDAMENTALISTS & KRISTIAN KIDDIE KOOKS (8?) Relive the glory days of televangelism with this collection of crazy, scary, wacky stuff from Bible Country. All the biggies are here: Jim and Tammy, Jerry, Jimmy, Oral and Bob, plus a bunch of even creepier second-stringers you’ve probably never heard of. Best of all is the Christian kids show starring “Captain Hook” a genuine double amputee ex-biker, his dysfunctional but supportive family, and their cute Christian pirate puppets. In a remarkable display of bad taste the good Captain and his son “Fish Hook” (we see years of therapy ahead for this kid) perform an “autopsy” on a sinner — cutting out his eyes and ears, and fishing in his entrails for Marlboro packs & beer cans! And remember, this is a kids show! Ha!

    Damn! Now I want to go rummaging through the cupboards to find where I stashed it. That’s entertainment.

  15. #15 Zeno
    September 10, 2006

    Oh, oh. There’s more.

  16. #16 Carlie
    September 10, 2006

    I am seriously going to have nightmares about that ventriloquist’s dummy.

  17. #17 RedMolly
    September 10, 2006

    Thanks, Lago… I had to share that chunk of musical wonderfulness with my immediate family.

  18. #18 tacitus
    September 10, 2006

    This one (from the same show) is absolutely appalling (especially since this is aimed at young kids):

  19. #19 jaimito
    September 10, 2006

    Sir, it was no so bad. I almost liked it.

  20. #20 NonProphet
    September 10, 2006

    This is blatant anti-FSM propaganda. Everybody knows that the patron saints of Pastafarianism are pirates (the adventurous scallywag types, not the raping murderous types). My bet is these Christians are deliberately trying to give pirates a bad name in attempt to prevent more of us from knowing the Flying Spaghetti Monster (blessed be his noodles).

    I have to ask… would they do such a thing to a much larger religion like, say, Islam? (that’s a rhetorical question, and the answer is yes).

  21. #21 Gorn
    September 10, 2006

    Oh thanks very much, I only just came out of a ten year coma!

  22. #22 goddogtired
    September 10, 2006

    So, since Xians have no compuction about attempting to schmoove literally ANYTHING with their message of saccharine-tissued “faith” what I want to know is, WHERE is the Xian pornography? (assume ironic “…” as necessary from here on) There’s Xian gangsta, heavy metal, SF, horror – you know that, inspite of their obvious contradictions, some frozen-smiling believer has been told by the lord to produce inspirational porno videos, and you also know that they are really, really, really, really bad.
    Any brave porno scanners out there willing to point the morbidly curious toward one?

    Not that I approve of that sort of thing! …purely out of scientific interest… ahem.

  23. #23 Mena
    September 10, 2006

    “WHERE is the Xian pornography?”
    They call it The Bible. Read the Song of Solomon or the parts where Lot’s daughters get naughty!

  24. #24 Watchman
    September 10, 2006
  25. #25 Porlock Juniot
    September 11, 2006

    I like the Sex in Christ proposal. Note the last bullet point, “No Profanity.” That solves the Oh God problem for the Christian pornographers; the unbelievers will have to solve the problem for themselves, as in the cartoon referenced here not too long ago.

  26. #26 bernarda
    September 11, 2006

    Here are a couple of pictures I found at pandagon.

    First, getting ready for basketball season:

    I would say he looks more like a referee.

    Second, contemplating:

    I am as puzzled as the cat appears to be.

  27. #27 Warren
    September 11, 2006

    If the right-wing fundamentalist loony wackos ever discover market research, we’re hosed. That piece of execrable non-entertainment was obviously put together by people who think they know what kids like.

    Fortunately, they’re wrong; but one focus group will be all it takes.

  28. #28 JD
    September 11, 2006

    I like how the puppet rappers have human hype-men.

  29. #29 Jonathan Badger
    September 12, 2006

    Ugh. I’m glad I didn’t have breakfast at all yet. Already I think most people who have this fascination with pirate ‘culture’ are a bit dim. Pirates, no matter how you cut it, were rogues just as dirty as they were described

    Not really. In many ways the political organization of pirates was quite egalitarian and more “civilized” than that of the sailors of the nation states whose ships they plundered. Read Peter Lamborn Wilson’s “Pirate Utopias” for a quite scholarly treatment of the subject (with references).

  30. #30 arensb
    September 12, 2006


    WHERE is the Xian pornography?

    There is a subset of porn involving clothing fetishes, and within that, there are various other subsets. A few minutes with Google images (and without the SafeSearch feature) ought to yield pictures of people getting it on while dressed as nuns or priests.

    There’s also a company that sells crucifix-shaped dildos, though I guess that doesn’t count as porn.

    Does this help?

  31. #31 sparky
    September 12, 2006

    I’d hardly characterize this one as barf-bait. It’s just STUPID.

New comments have been temporarily disabled. Please check back soon.