UMM is going to hell : Pharyngula

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PZ Myers is a biologist and associate professor at the University of Minnesota, Morris.
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« Cellular responses to alcohol | Main | Marine giants »

UMM is going to hell

Category: Humor • Local
Posted on: September 29, 2006 2:27 PM, by PZ Myers

It refers to the fact that our football team played Trinity Bible College's and beat them by a damnable 67 to zip…and that we've probably got a smart-ass heretic on the newspaper staff.

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Comments

Posted by: Steve_C | September 29, 2006 2:37 PM

Hysterical!

Posted by: Reed A. Cartwright | September 29, 2006 2:41 PM

Given UMM's academic reputation, I imagine it fielding a team of only offensive linemen. How did they every manage to score 67 points? (Of course 69 points would have been better.)

Posted by: Marijane White | September 29, 2006 2:45 PM

Heh. I remember being a freshman at the South Dakota School of Mines and Technology in 1994. We played TBC for our homecoming football game and beat them 77-0. The rumor was that they were scheduled as our homecoming opponents because they were the only school our team could beat. =)

Posted by: Rey Fox | September 29, 2006 2:47 PM

SNAP!

Posted by: Stephen Erickson | September 29, 2006 3:03 PM

Religious people seem to have no problem thanking God for everything good that happens then claiming that "everything happens for a reason" when something bad happens.

Posted by: J-Dog | September 29, 2006 3:03 PM

Can you schedule the Liberty Debate Team next? They need their dishonest Xian butts whipped too! Congratulations BTW - and buy that newspaper staffer a coke!

Posted by: Stephen Erickson | September 29, 2006 3:09 PM

Oh boy, I just went to the TBC web site. Some things immediately struck me:
1. The 800 number in the main banner.
2. The prominent display of long-haired babes, one of whom is in some sort of evangelical ecstasy.
3. The somewhat more honest photograph of the six-child family of an alum.

Not the sort of place for this heathen.

Posted by: Jim Wynne | September 29, 2006 3:13 PM

From the TBC academic catalog:

ENGL 114 Honors Composition II 3 credits Spring This is an honor's course in college writing open to those who have successfully completed ENGL 113 or who have been selected by the department. Students learn proper procedure and style for writing term papers. The course also emphasizes creative and journalistic forms of writing. (emphasis added)

Knowledge of basic punctuation not required, apparently.

Also recommended: the scant science section in the catalog. Into courses in biology and earth science, sort of, and that's about it. Here's part of the description of the biology offering:

Topics covered include organic chemistry, cell structure and function, genetics, ecology, ecosystem organization, nutrition, reproduction, and evolution and scientific creationism. Incorporated is the relevance of biology to Scripture and current events.

Jebus help us all.

Posted by: Carlie | September 29, 2006 3:13 PM

Love it. Was the inside headline "Jesus loves us better" ?

#10

Posted by: 386sx | September 29, 2006 3:27 PM

Jebus help us all.

Only 211 google results for "honor's course". Thats pretty bad. Were all doomed.

#11

Posted by: Righteous Bubba | September 29, 2006 3:33 PM

I hadn't really thought of the sports angle. If any of the literalists' theology is true Christian teams should be whipping everybody's asses. Instead they get their own asses reddened constantly by teams with a decent proportion of reprobates.

I'd smirk about nice guys finishing last, but the reprobates are nicer.

#12

Posted by: Warren | September 29, 2006 3:40 PM

That is frickin' hilarious. Thank FSM for college students.

(Some college students.)

#13

Posted by: JIm Wynne | September 29, 2006 3:47 PM

Into courses in biology and earth science,

That should have been "intro," of course. Just a bit of street theater on my part. Of course.

#14

Posted by: Gerard Harbison | September 29, 2006 3:59 PM

Don't knock offensive linemen. I teach at a real football factory, and OLs are the only ones I've seen in a chemistry class beyond the freshman level. It goes against stereotypes, but quarterbacks are usually way dumber (though RBs and almost anyone who plays on the defensive side are worse).

#15

Posted by: oldhippie | September 29, 2006 4:16 PM

So 6 years after voting into power a heavily Christian, family values president, followed by congress and senate, all of whom profess to be Christians, we endorse indeterminate imprisonment without trial, give a nod and wink to torture "light", and if our prisoners are lucky enough to come to some sort of a trial, the prosecution can use hearsay (that's what proves the virgin birth), and statements made under torture with no back-up of their verity. (Remember the Canadian that was rendered to Syria, he admitted under torture that he had trained in an al Quaida camp in Afghanistan, a country he had never visited. This could be used as evidence. Should the prisoner be lucky enough to win the case, they can put him right back in continued detention. The question is did Jesus forsake his followers or the other way round? I have not noticed Christians denying the religiosity of Bush and gang, so my only conclusion is Christians have now hit a new low.

#16

Posted by: Kristine | September 29, 2006 4:21 PM

Maybe Jesus was in the can, or otherwise occupied?

#17

Posted by: KeithB | September 29, 2006 4:22 PM

Offensive linemen are smart enough to know they need a career to fall back on, even if they make the NFL.

Did anybody in LA yesterday hear Diana Nyad on injuries in football?
http://www.kcrw.com/cgi-bin/db/kcrw.pl?show_code=ts&air_date=9/28/06&tmplt_type=Show

#18

Posted by: kyle | September 29, 2006 4:32 PM

Man. That's a good headline but the article by Mark Orwell on page 20 is the coolest opinion piece i've ever read.

While some problems arose from Shinzon's cloning prosess, which I think involved going crazy and trying to steal Picard's blood, we can easily avoid those problems by placing tiny little microchips in our clones' heads. If they show any signs of wanting to steal our blood, or if they just mouth off, then BAM! Problem solved. Go make a new clone.

#19

Posted by: Peter McGrath | September 29, 2006 4:56 PM

I just hope that, like the prophet Joshua, your 'triumph was heard in the hills.' Can't be arssed to find the scriptural reference. I'm reading Fossils, Finches and Fuegians by Randal Keynes. Much better ending: a white haired old man tells us the secrets of life.

#20

Posted by: Great White Wonder | September 29, 2006 4:59 PM

Jesus abandoned Trinity College because of their offensive linemen.

#21

Posted by: PZ Myers | September 29, 2006 5:02 PM

I also have to speak up for offensive linemen, because that's what my father was in high school football. And not just in some podunk school, either: Kent-Meridian High School's team of 1957 won the Washington state championship, and my dad was in the starting lineup.

Neither he nor I ever fully understood how his first-born turned out to be such a nerdy bookworm, but I do know that his dream was to be a painter.

#22

Posted by: Steve Sutton | September 29, 2006 5:07 PM

Heh, that's funny.

#23

Posted by: mathpants | September 29, 2006 5:21 PM

I've always enjoyed:

"Black and Red!
God is Dead!"

(our colors were red and black, you see . . . )

#24

Posted by: AlanW | September 29, 2006 5:31 PM

Hmmm, 67 is 66.6 rounded up.

#25

Posted by: Banned at Kansas Citizens for Science | September 29, 2006 5:56 PM

Hilarious; its important to keep telling believers what ignoramuses and worthless losers they are.

It insures the failure of atheism as a positive force for social change.

Keep up the good work.

Hey, its really a good strategy to act like a bigot.

Really.

Trust me.

#26

Posted by: argystokes | September 29, 2006 6:07 PM

Now hold on there Dr. Myers. Are you sure there even was a Washington State title when your dad was playing? Because my beloved Lake Washington Kangaroos made their first ever state tournament in 2000, despite winning the Kingco conference title 10 out of 11 years in the 50s and 60s.
__
I had classes with two football players in college. One was an offensive lineman (now starting for the Jaguars) who very infrequently attending philosophy class. The other was quite bright, however, being a microbiology major. He was a backup kicker (do they even count as football players?).

#27

Posted by: PZ Myers | September 29, 2006 6:27 PM

Every day at PE in HS we would line up along the trophy case while waiting to get into the gym, and there was a great big trophy that said STATE CHAMPIONS 1957 (or was it '56?), with my dad's name engraved right there. This was a school in which football was a Very Big Deal, and it was memorable that I'd always get to see that just before I'd walk in and get my butt kicked at dodgeball or some similar violent sport.

I think this was before there was a formal statewide playoff system, though, so who knows how they decided the championship.

#28

Posted by: Reed A. Cartwright | September 29, 2006 7:35 PM

"Don't knock offensive linemen. I teach at a real football factory, and OLs are the only ones I've seen in a chemistry class beyond the freshman level."

That was my point, since UMM has a good academic reputation.

PZ, my dad won a state (white) football championship as well. I think he was a linebacker. My only state championship came on a math test; although, my school did tend to win cross-country, golf, tennis, volleyball, and soccer championships.

#29

Posted by: Steviepinhead | September 29, 2006 7:43 PM

Funny. Where I live, the footballs are mostly brown.

But maybe Nike is trying something new in the way of football colors this year.

#30

Posted by: oakfed | September 29, 2006 7:47 PM

I get tired of sports figures always thanking god for their victories. It'd be a refreshing change to see a post-game interviewee say something like "Yeah, well, we would've won the game, if Jesus hadn't made me fumble." Till then, I'll have to make do with snarky headlines, I guess...

#31

Posted by: idlemind | September 29, 2006 7:50 PM

So was Jesus playing wide receiver, and fumbled too many passes?

#32

Posted by: Scott Hatfield | September 29, 2006 8:13 PM

PZ:

Are you sure you didn't beat them 666 to zip?.....:)

#33

Posted by: Keith Douglas | September 29, 2006 9:33 PM

I have never known one personally, but the McGill alumni magazine seems to turn up an awful lot of people who somehow played football (Canadian, mind you, so there is a confound) throughout medical school. How does one do that?

#34

Posted by: Mike Haubrich | September 29, 2006 11:05 PM

I visited TBC when I was in high school. What a fun place. No hair for males below the collars or over the ears. No facial hair for males or females. No holding hands except when the sidewalks were icy. The only TV they could watch was the news or "Little House on the Prairie." Mandatory Sunday Church services.

Praying in Tongues was strongly encouraged.

No wonder they aren't very good at football.

#35

Posted by: j.t.delaney | September 30, 2006 1:23 AM

So, what sort of top-flight career can one hope for with a degree from Trinitty Bible College, of Ellendale, North Dakota? Christ, that's a remote location -- as in National Geographic documentary remote. It's hard to fathom that people would volunteer good money to study at a place like this; I think I would pay good money (and retain a lawyer if necessary) to never set foot in Ellendale. Is there really that much of a demand for more Assembly of God preachers in the Dakotas?

#36

Posted by: sparc | September 30, 2006 1:24 AM

do kickers

even count as football players?

Good question.
According to Wikipedia.de Manni Burgsmüller the former world's oldest professional football player started his football carreer 1996 at the age of 47, played (or rather kicked only) for Rhein Fire until 2002 when he was 52.
Before his football carrer he was one of the best German soccer players ranked #4 in the all times scorer list (213 goals) and of course he was the oldest ever non-goalkeeper in german soccer.
So, was Manni a football player? At least he played the ball with his feet or actually with only one of them. He was dressed up as a football player and he got payed as a football player. But still I haven't come to a conclusion if he was a football player.

#37

Posted by: Theo Bromine | September 30, 2006 9:51 AM

I have it on good authority that Jesus can't play rugby, so I expect his USian football skills are similarly lacking: http://web.mit.edu/wrugby/jesus.html

#38

Posted by: Dan | September 30, 2006 12:06 PM

TBC has been outscored 144-19 in their three games this season. And get this: their homecoming game was the first game of the season.

Last year, they were outscored 474-46 and were shut out five times.

#39

Posted by: bernarda | October 1, 2006 5:56 AM

Well, I hope you don't have this sort of problem with wingnuts at your school.

" Everybody agrees last Saturday night in Ann Arbor ended badly for Justin Zatkoff when the Republican student activist was hit in the face so hard that he couldn't recall the attack and would need hours of surgery.

But with weeks left before the November elections, rumors quickly spread in Republican circles that Zatkoff was viciously beaten for his political views in one of the state's bluest of cities.

In the days following the attack, the conservative student Web site Truth Caucus posted photos of his injured face, pronounced the incident a "hate crime,'' and speculated it was the work of "liberal thugs.'' A Republican organizer in Michigan e-mailed campus Republicans, warning them to travel in groups until the election was over. And pretty soon, the matter was fodder for major political Web sites, like Wonkette.

Ann Arbor police said Friday there's no truth to the rumors.

While at a party that began last Saturday night, police said Zatkoff picked a fight with some of his friends, and got punched in the eye. Police interviewed Zatkoff at a hospital the next day and he didn't recall what happened.

People who were at the party told police Zatkoff had too much to drink, said Ann Arbor police Lt. Mike Logghe.

"We interviewed the guy who punched him,'' said Logghe. "He admitted to punching him. He said he was a friend of his from high school.'' "

http://www.mlive.com/news/aanews/index.ssf?/base/news-19/115959860215660.xml&coll=2

A funny part is at the end of the article, "On Thursday, Carlson sent out an e-mail about Zatkoff's condition that included a link to the Web site. The e-mail went to Republican campus leaders. It asked them to keep Zatkoff in their prayers as he was scheduled for surgery."

Drunken Republicans praying, that would be something to see.

#40

Posted by: ajay | October 2, 2006 6:21 AM

Jesus College, Oxford, is a gift for student newspaper sub-editors. During my time there two football match reports were headlined "Jesus saves" (a victory) and "Jesus has problem with crosses" (a defeat). Nobody complained about either headline.

I am trying to remember which college's goalkeeper was nicknamed the Ancient Mariner, because he stoppeth one of three...

#41

Posted by: Frank | December 17, 2006 2:33 PM

there was a famous headline in the 1970s when USC beat Oregon state - "Trojans repulse Beavers"