Pharyngula

Those wacky Kansans!

The Onion reports on the latest anti-evolution tactic.

In response to a Nov. 7 referendum, Kansas lawmakers passed emergency legislation outlawing evolution, the highly controversial process responsible for the development and diversity of species and the continued survival of all life.

“From now on, the streets, forests, plains, and rivers of Kansas will be safe from the godless practice of evolution, and species will be able to procreate without deviating from God’s intended design,” said Bob Bethell, a member of the state House of Representatives. “This is about protecting the integrity of all creation.”

The new law prohibits all living beings within state borders from any willful adaptation to changing environmental conditions. In addition, it strictly limits any activity that may result in enhanced health or survival beyond the current average lifespan of their particular species.

My first thought was this will have the good effect of ending that pesky antibiotic resistance problem, but this law is going to have sweeping effects.

Human beings may be the species most deeply affected by the new legislation. Those whose cytochrome-c molecules vary less than 2 percent from those of chimpanzees will be in direct violation of the law.

There is no hint of what the penalties might be, but I think everyone better stop procreating, just to be on the safe side.

Comments

  1. #1 amph
    November 29, 2006

    “Human beings may be the species most deeply affected by the new legislation. Those whose cytochrome-c molecules vary less than 2 percent from those of chimpanzees will be in direct violation of the law.”

    So those with more than 2 % variation can get away with it? These guys are really soft on crime.
    But it’s a good thing that they finally ban meiotic cross-overs, that has been going on long enough.

  2. #2 jwer
    November 29, 2006
  3. #3 John Wilkins
    November 29, 2006

    Well it is against God and Nature, so it should be outlawed…

  4. #4 Berlzebub
    November 29, 2006

    Hmmm… If we can get Bethell to catch the flu, and prove that the strain he passes on to others has evolved (mutated?) from the one before, he could go to prison as an accessory. Keep an eye out for anyone who sneezes, and I’ll get the chloroform!

    -Berlie

  5. #5 Warren
    November 29, 2006

    What’s creepy about this is that you know there’s a lawmaker out there someplace, right now, thinking, hey, what a great idea.

    I predict a 2008 presidential issue: A Protection of Humanity constitutional amendment. Highlights will include:

    ? The nation will be divided into pro-god and pro-progress camps
    ? James Dobson will piss and whine about how activist scientists are trying to undermine the sanctity of human descent
    ? State-by-state referenda will eventually leave it to the voters to decide whether microevolution can ever be permitted to become macroevolution

    At least 50% of US citizenry will be stupid or religious enough* to fall for it.

    ====

    * Truly a distinction without a distinction.

  6. #6 hoody
    November 29, 2006

    <>Thr s n hnt f wht th pnlts mght b, bt thnk vryn bttr stp prcrtng, jst t b n th sf sd.

    Jst lk n rp, rght?

    s fr ths, <>t lst 50% f S ctznry wll b stpd r rlgs ngh* t fll fr t.

    ====

    * Trly dstnctn wtht dstnctn.

    h, hyck!! Grsh, Plt! Tht Wrrn fllr shr s fnny!! h hyck!!!

    [boring twit. Bye-bye, hoody]

  7. #7 MorpheusPA
    November 29, 2006

    Hoodwinked Wrote:

    Ah, hyuck!! Garsh, Pluto! That Warren feller shore is funny!! Ah hyuck!!!

    [sarcasm Ignore=On]Yes, he sure is. Now, if he’s available I just might…

    Er…perhaps another blog would be more appropriate for this post.[sarcasm Ignore=Off]

    Morph

  8. #8 Berlzebub
    November 29, 2006

    Isn’t it ironic when someone (hoody) unintentionally proves another’s (Warren) point?

    I’m still trying to figure out what your point is, Hoody. I’m sure there are children born in Europe. Maybe just not at the rate that you thinks is appropriate. Which is purely subjective, anyway.

    Also, I have yet to see you provide one reference supporting your stance (whatever that may be).

    -Berlzebub

  9. #9 hen3ry
    November 29, 2006

    Dear hoody,

    I am still confused as to why you think the increase in the number of people in any given area is a good idea. Please explain further.

    Hen3ry

  10. #10 Mena
    November 29, 2006

    I’m still trying to figure out what your point is, Hoody. I’m sure there are children born in Europe. Maybe just not at the rate that you thinks is appropriate. Which is purely subjective, anyway.

    Also, I have yet to see you provide one reference supporting your stance (whatever that may be).
    Because it’s just xenophobic echo chamber stuff-just ignore it.

  11. #11 Baratos
    November 29, 2006

    I am still confused as to why you think the increase in the number of people in any given area is a good idea. Please explain further.

    The answer is obvious: he wants to spread human suffering, rape the earth, and drill his perverted beliefs into the huddled masses. Why do so many religious people want to create hell in their back yard?

  12. #12 Berlzebub
    November 29, 2006

    I wish I could, Mena. However, I just want to find out if he’s a troll, or actually has a point to make. If he’s a troll, I’ll start ignoring him. However, if he provides verifiable and sound references, and gives his reasoning, I might be more apt to debate him further. From what I’ve seen so far, he seems to just have an opinion with no facts. I’m just giving him the chance to prove me wrong.

    -Berlzebub

  13. #13 Robster
    November 29, 2006

    The Onion needs to start putting disclaimers in it’s articles that this is satire. I could easily believe that Kansas pols would be willing to pass a law this nutters.

  14. #14 Pygmy Loris
    November 29, 2006

    Berlzebub,

    Hoody is a total troll. He’s been obnoxious enough in the past that now he gets disemvowelled on sight.

  15. #15 Berlzebub
    November 29, 2006

    I figured he was, Pygmy. I was just keeping an open mind. Although, considering it’s been nearly two hours since my first response to him, I expect he’s ran off to find some of his own ilk who’ll support him, even in absense of evidence.

    My main reason for asking for his evidence, was to get him to leave. Which seems to have worked. So, I’ve done my good deed for the day.

    -Berlzebub

  16. #16 Dianne
    November 29, 2006

    any willful adaptation to changing environmental conditions.

    I don’t know…it sounds like they outlawed Lamarkian evolution or maybe technology. Darwinian evolution isn’t willful.

  17. #17 Darmok
    November 30, 2006

    Awesome piece–The Onion does it again! I remember some years ago they had one about placing disclaimer stickers on math books alerting students that it was “just a theory.”

  18. #18 Carlie
    November 30, 2006

    This was the sponsored ad at the bottom of the onion page. Sigh. “The United Church of God” sounds like a spoof itself, though.

  19. #19 Keith Douglas
    December 2, 2006

    Good to see that The Onion hasn’t closed up because life itself is too extreme …

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