Pharyngula

This has got be a joke, right?

i-7d87b42c526dd9a2c05c74a4dd8725e4-tampon_taser.jpg

There’s more to invention than just slapping a new wrapper on an old device, and sometimes the superficial approach can lead to some funny results, like the Tampon Taser. The copy describing this device is weird: in addition to touting its absorbency, fresh floral scent and gentle glide applicator, it also has barbed probes and a range of 14 feet. Alas, it also warns that “It is not intended nor recommended for vaginal insertion.”

After reading my last day’s posts here, you might think I’m either a teenage girl, or obsessed with young girls, but really … it’s just what has drifted to the top of my email box lately. And really, my initial impression that here was a device that would allow women to fire debilitating high voltage sparks out of their nether regions did get me a little bit excited, so you can’t blame me for mentioning it.

Comments

  1. #1 Brian X
    April 30, 2007

    Vagina dentata, what a wonderful phrase…

  2. #2 Skemono
    April 30, 2007

    And really, my initial impression that here was a device that would allow women to fire debilitating high voltage sparks out of their nether regions did get me a little bit excited, so you can’t blame me for mentioning it.

    You mean they don’t?

  3. #3 speedwell
    April 30, 2007

    Oooof. Talk about your Toxic Shock Syndrome.

    (has the vapors)

  4. #4 valhar2000
    April 30, 2007

    Well, apparently some tasers are shaped like mobile phones to make them look less conspicuous. Perhaps that was meant to be a taser disguised as a tampon, so as not to arouse suspicion in the attacker.

  5. #5 Gala
    April 30, 2007

    Do you mean walking around with a tampon in your hand is not going to arise suspicion?

  6. #6 Jim Harrison
    April 30, 2007

    Gala, you should bear in mind that a tampon in the hand is worth two in the bush.

  7. #7 Garrett
    April 30, 2007

    Jim, that must be some heavy flow…

  8. #8 Kseniya
    April 30, 2007

    Next up: The crampon taser, for fending off over-aggressive yeti.

  9. #9 Matt M
    April 30, 2007

    I see great possibilities for the ipod Taser. The IProd.

  10. #10 Torbjörn Larsson
    April 30, 2007

    two in the bush

    But if it’s a burning bush, you wouldn’t want to get a tampon anywhere near it.

    Tampon Taser

    It is amazing what one can read into things then one isn’t on top of one’s game. Not having had enough coffee yet, I read that as ‘Tampon Teaser’.

    Momentarily assuming it was some sort of dedicated extraction device for elusive tampons, I smelled something fishy about the time I got to “barbed probes” (“Ouch!”) and “a range of 14 feet” (“WTF?!”).

    I’m not sure that a “Tampon Taser” is any less weird though.

  11. #11 Torbjörn Larsson
    April 30, 2007

    two in the bush

    But if it’s a burning bush, you wouldn’t want to get a tampon anywhere near it.

    Tampon Taser

    It is amazing what one can read into things then one isn’t on top of one’s game. Not having had enough coffee yet, I read that as ‘Tampon Teaser’.

    Momentarily assuming it was some sort of dedicated extraction device for elusive tampons, I smelled something fishy about the time I got to “barbed probes” (“Ouch!”) and “a range of 14 feet” (“WTF?!”).

    I’m not sure that a “Tampon Taser” is any less weird though.

  12. #12 ???????? ?? ???????
    April 30, 2007

    That’s “Tampön Tasör” to you, Mr. Mjølnir!

  13. #13 ???????? ?? ???????
    April 30, 2007

    That’s “Tampön Tasör” to you, Mr. Mjølnir!

  14. #14 Jeebus
    April 30, 2007

    Momentarily assuming it was some sort of dedicated extraction device for elusive tampons, I smelled something fishy…

    You’ve got quite the imagination!

  15. #15 Monado
    April 30, 2007

    I think that a makeup bag taser would be less conspicuous.

  16. #16 Karley
    April 30, 2007

    I figure a taser disguised as a cell phone would be no good, since an attacker probably would take either one away to render you helpless.

    Walking around with a tampon in your hand, that’s just weird.

    A taser needs to be disguised as something that a) is something that you would normally carry around in your hand but b) would not be an item that an attacker would see necessary to get you away from. Like a chocolate bar or something.

  17. #17 kurage
    April 30, 2007

    Plenty of men I’ve known would be scared off by just a plain old tampon, no fancy zapping action necessary.

  18. #18 tim gueguen
    April 30, 2007

    Supposedly Eddie Boyd, leader of the notorious Boyd robbery gang in Ontario in the early 1950s, hid money in packages of women’s sanitary napkins because he knew police officers of the day would be reluctant to search them.

  19. #19 Carlie
    April 30, 2007

    I want Karley’s chocolate bar taser – what a great negative reinforcement diet aid that would be.
    (Hey! We’re homophones!)

  20. #20 Nona
    April 30, 2007

    Supposedly Eddie Boyd, leader of the notorious Boyd robbery gang in Ontario in the early 1950s, hid money in packages of women’s sanitary napkins because he knew police officers of the day would be reluctant to search them.

    You’ll be happy to know this strategy is still in use! That’s how we used to hide candy at sleepaway camp.

  21. #21 Karley
    April 30, 2007

    Maybe YOU’RE a homophone…I like to think I’m more enlightened.

    Seriously, in defense of the Taz-pon, I have way more “men confronting feminine hygiene products” experiences than a person ought to. I remember emptying out half a middle school Spanish class with the strategic use of a tampon with red Sharpie marker all over it.

  22. #22 Owlmirror
    May 1, 2007

    I have way more “men confronting feminine hygiene products” experiences than a person ought to. I remember emptying out half a middle school Spanish class with the strategic use of a tampon with red Sharpie marker all over it.

    I foresee gender terrorists — OK, freedom fighters — using this tactic on those gender-segregated ultra-Orthodox Israeli buses. One little white tube with red markings on each seat in the front of the bus, and we’ll see who sits where…

  23. #23 Talen Lee
    May 1, 2007

    Honestly, it makes complete sense to me. It’s something that you can pick up while rummaging through your bag while you’re being mugged that isn’t likely to be high on the mugger’s list to be readily-acquainted with.

  24. #24 Lee
    May 1, 2007

    And really, my initial impression that here was a device that would allow women to fire debilitating high voltage sparks out of their nether regions did get me a little bit excited, so you can’t blame me for mentioning it.

    It would be the ultimate in anti-rape technology.

  25. #25 infamous
    May 2, 2007

    I’m pretty sure if a guy saw a woman walkin with one of those he’d think she was insane and would thus avoid her at all costs.

  26. #26 Nix
    May 3, 2007

    Unless he was an Aleutian loony with a penchant for glass knives and personal thermonuclear devices, that is. (There’s a literal dentata in there, too.)

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