…and this is a 
He must be getting old and slow and weak
Category: Kooks
Posted on: May 24, 2007 10:00 AM, by PZ Myers
I completely missed it — Chuck Norris made a couple of roundhouse face kicks at godless evolutionists last week, and I didn't even notice. Apparently, we've been trying to outlaw Christianity, and Norris has scuttled that plan by exposing our devious strategy of being sufficiently literate to write books, and sending our kids to summer camps that lack religious indoctrination.
Zachary Moore has the complete breakdown of the Atheist Conspiracy's 5-year plan. Now's the part where I laugh my movie villain laugh and taunt my feeble, brain-damaged opponent as I launch my nefarious onslaught. "You are helpless to stop me, Chuck Norris! Bwahahahahaha!"
"But wait, what's this? Your young sidekick, here to wreak vengeance for his master's defeat? And it's…Kirk Cameron??!?!? Bwahahaha! Hahahaha! Bwaha…<villain laughs himself into an apoplectic stroke, writhes helplessly on the ground>"
The day is only saved for villainy because Cameron rushes forward to punch himself repeatedly in the face, while Norris incontinently soaks his pants and whimpers for the nurse to bring him a mallowmar.
It brings to mind Voltaire's comment:
I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: "O Lord make my enemies ridiculous." And God granted it.
Atheist's prayers must be particularly potent, because god has responded with extravagant excess.
Comments
Richard Dawkins wrote a bible for atheists?
Posted by: Stanton | May 24, 2007 10:36 AM
The Onion has a good commentary.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/61948
""On topics from evolution to the environment to gay marriage to immigration reform, we found that many of the opinions expressed were so off-base and ill-informed that they actually hurt society by being voiced," said chief researcher Professor Mark Fultz, who based the findings on hundreds of telephone, office, and dinner-party conversations compiled over a three-year period."
""While people have long asserted that it takes all kinds, our research shows that American society currently has a drastic oversupply of the kinds who don't have any good or worthwhile thoughts whatsoever. We could actually do just fine without them.""
Posted by: bernarda | May 24, 2007 10:42 AM
Functional atheists? The electric baboon blood baths that keep him so young and vigorous must have addled poor man's mind.
Posted by: Peter McGrath | May 24, 2007 10:43 AM
We have a 5-year plan? Did I miss a meeting or something?
Posted by: Dunc | May 24, 2007 10:50 AM
RE: "Atheist's prayers must be particularly potent, because god has responded with extravagant excess."
Rimshot.
Posted by: beepbeepitsme | May 24, 2007 10:56 AM
Unfortunately having a stroke isn't a sufficient enough handicap to put you on a level playing field with these guys. Maybe if you got lobotomized afterwards, and then drank some Drano. Then maybe it would be a fair fight.
Posted by: Whatever | May 24, 2007 11:20 AM
The jig is up! Lets retreat to our volcano stronghold and launch the escape space-shuttle!
Posted by: Dutch Vigilante | May 24, 2007 11:36 AM
It's worse than I thought.
Norris knows all about our 5 million troops engaged in a 5 year plan to outlaw Christianity.
Don't worry though, we've still got the ACLU and the UN to defend us. Soon the one world government will be in place and there will be no place for their 'God' to hide. Already, our Latin American comrades are pouring in over the Texan border to join us in glorious battle.
If only they knew that the fillings in their teeth are secretly transmitting the location of all people of 'faith' (how I spit on that word) to us.
Posted by: Christian Burnham | May 24, 2007 11:47 AM
Apparently the plot includes "liberalism in the church"--found in today's Guardian: Theologian damns most Britons to hell.
Posted by: blf | May 24, 2007 12:13 PM
"The jig is up! Lets retreat to our volcano stronghold and launch the escape space-shuttle!"
The Volcano ? No way, remember what Lord Zenu did the last time we were all there?
Chuck Norris gives idiots a bad name.
Posted by: MartinC | May 24, 2007 12:17 PM
Chuck links to this verse when he says functional atheists:
"They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good."
Yeah, that's real nice Chuck. And that's from the New Testament. You know, the "nicey nice nice" Testament.
Posted by: 386sx | May 24, 2007 12:42 PM
Chuck links to this verse when he says functional atheists:
"They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good."
Yeah, that's real nice Chuck. And that's from the New Testament. You know, the "nicey nice nice" Testament.
Posted by: 386sx | May 24, 2007 12:44 PM
Well, the obvious course of action against Chuck Norris is to tell Jack Bauer that Chucky is a terrorist. Either if he is or isn't, he'll only find out after some, um, "alternative interrogation".
Posted by: Oh, fishy, fishy, fishy, fish! | May 24, 2007 12:51 PM
link to article by chuck norris talking about chuck norris facts/jokes ;-)
http://worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=52567
my favorite part:
There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases - sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.
If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood. >>>
yeah... and so why do we still have cancer in the world? Can't some catholic priest just turn some watered down wine into jesus's blood and cure everyone? Jeesh, why hasn't any one thaught of that? Oh I get it, the church knows, but the scientists are covering it up because they like getting all that research money.
Posted by: denise | May 24, 2007 1:30 PM
link to article by chuck norris talking about chuck norris facts/jokes ;-)
http://worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=52567
my favorite part:
There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases - sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.
If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood. >>>
yeah... and so why do we still have cancer in the world? Can't some catholic preist just turn some watered down wine into jesus's blood and cure everyone? Jeesh, why hasn't any one thaught of that? Oh I get it, the church knows, but the scientists are covering it up becuase they like getting all that research money.
Posted by: denise | May 24, 2007 1:32 PM
I almost feel bad for participating in a discussion where Kirk Cameron is one one of the oppponents... it's really too much of poking fun at stupid for my taste. On the other hand, few debates in evo-cre turns out to be anything but that. Voltaire's prayer has indeed been gloriously answered.
Posted by: forsen | May 24, 2007 1:53 PM
I almost feel bad for participating in a discussion where Kirk Cameron is one one of the oppponents... it's really too much of poking fun at stupid for my taste. On the other hand, few debates in evo-cre turns out to be anything but that. Voltaire's prayer has indeed been gloriously answered.
Posted by: forsen | May 24, 2007 1:55 PM
Do remember that over the course of his lengthy career, Chuck Norris has taken many powerful blows to the head.
I think that fact puts any of his comments in the correct perspective.
Posted by: Evolving Squid | May 24, 2007 2:00 PM
All Chuck and Kirk need are the Batman and Robin outfits.
Posted by: Science Avenger | May 24, 2007 2:01 PM
New Chuck Norris List for Atheists:
1. Chuck Norris tears could cure atheism. He has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not feather his hair. He sculpts it into razor wings of death that slice atheists to pieces.
3. Chuck Norris has not had a facelift. He recycles the faces of atheists he has killed, re-attaching them to his own.
4. Chuck Norris wrote his article on worldnetdaily in atheist blood. He then punched each paragraph into stone tablets using only his bare fists.
5. Chuck Norris delivered a front snap kick to god when god told Chuck he didn't want his name on American currency. Jesus wept. God whimpered. The money stayed the same.
Posted by: GeorgeBurnsGod | May 24, 2007 2:31 PM
"Well, the obvious course of action against Chuck Norris is to tell Jack Bauer that Chucky is a terrorist. Either if he is or isn't, he'll only find out after some, um, 'alternative interrogation'."
It's already been done: http://www.jackvschuck.com/
And it looks like us lowly atheists only have one option now that Chuck is mad at us! From the site's FAQ:
"What should I do if Jack Bauer or Chuck Norris is upset with me?
The only option is to kill yourself and hope that Jack or Chuck lets you into Heaven"
Maybe that was his secret plan all along...
Posted by: kellbelle1020 | May 24, 2007 3:49 PM
"4. Chuck Norris wrote his article on worldnetdaily in atheist blood. He then punched each paragraph into stone tablets using only his bare fists."
I've got to object. Chuck Norris doesn't have to write anything, the words assemble themselves out of fear....
Posted by: RobertC | May 24, 2007 3:55 PM
I just cannot stop laughing about this!
If anyone comes across a followup article, please let PZ know.
If the article itself does not convince you that Chuck et al. are completely deserving of mockery, look at all the other articles and advertisements at worldnetdaily.com
These clearly are the people we're fighting. It's a pity they don't understand why.
Posted by: Daniel J. | May 24, 2007 4:57 PM
There was an interesting and telling revisionistic edit that Chuck made to his first article. Originally, when it fisrt went up on WND it read (emphasis mine):
(I saved a copy of that section because I originally wrote a comment on Pharyngula linking to it, but for some reason I was blocked from posting.)
That section was changed sometime thereafter to the more innocuous:
Anyway, just thought that should be noted as it gives a glimpse into the secret thoughts of Norris's ilk.
Posted by: jpf | May 24, 2007 6:37 PM
Yes well, Paul sounds like he was a deeply troubled man full of self-loathing about his own sexuality. He seems to have been too busy projecting his own issues on world+dog to worry much about accuracy. If you want niceness look earlier to the gospels. Jesus could be a little intense sometimes, but at least he didn't go through entire books frothing at the brain.
Posted by: Andrew Wade | May 24, 2007 8:27 PM
Dang! Why didn't I get a memo? Which year of the plan is this? Have we started yet? I'm raising a godless kid, so hey, I'm doing my part.
Posted by: liberal homeschool mom | May 24, 2007 8:54 PM
I actual think his 2nd article makes a whole lot of sense. He has a VERY compelling argument against the limitations of science, quoting some very credentialed agnostics. http://worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=55789 Potshots or not, who can argue against the logic of Davies, Horgan, and Jastrow? I fear our atheist case is not as strong as we think.
Posted by: Terry | May 24, 2007 10:28 PM
Oh c'mon Terry. even if science has limitations- and no one is saying it doesn't- what makes anyone in their right mind think any theologian has more answers? isn't that the very height of silliness?
Posted by: Uber | May 24, 2007 11:11 PM
"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: "O Lord make my enemies ridiculous." And God granted it."
I think Osama bin Laden must have been saying that prayer on election night in 2000.
Posted by: Jon H | May 25, 2007 12:00 AM
Chuck's list is not so much a five-year plan for an atheists' conspiracy as it is evidence of increasing progressivism.
Posted by: Ex-drone | May 25, 2007 6:45 AM
There is no five-year plan. The operative who leaked it confessed when threatened with baptismal water, but still retains his seat in Congress.
Posted by: Mike Haubrich | May 25, 2007 8:52 AM
I guess no more Chuck Norris on Conan's show. Conan's been at it again lately with his Chuck Norris lever, previously known as the Walker Texas Ranger lever (you should really check those out, just search on google or youtube), and Chuck even made an appearance once.
You really should read this celebrity survey. Conan's answer to the God question is pretty funny.
Posted by: Oh, fishy, fishy, fishy, fish! | May 25, 2007 1:15 PM
Then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White,
And "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"'s Black Knight,
And Benito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie,
And Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie,
Robocop, the Terminator,
Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader,
Lo Pan, Superman,
Every single Power Ranger,
Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan,
Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan
All came out of no where lightning-fast
And they kicked Chuck Norris in his cowboy ass.
It was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw
With civilians looking on total awe.
This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.
It will take a while, but Chuck will be defeated.
-- CV
Posted by: CortxVortx | May 25, 2007 7:08 PM
chuckie Norris said:
Such minting modifications are a flagrant defiance against theism and a public reflection of the place God is now relegated - to the fringes of society.
how did he know that's what I was hoping for?
too bad it's just a delusion of his, otherwise there really wouldn't even be an issue.
someday...
Posted by: Ichthyic | May 25, 2007 10:28 PM
Very good point.
Posted by: David Marjanović | May 26, 2007 6:57 PM