…and this is a 
Kent Hovind, working on his "world's most obnoxious prisoner" title
Category: Creationism
Posted on: May 24, 2007 5:31 PM, by PZ Myers
There are new epistles from convicted swindler and evangelical Christian — but I repeat myself — Kent Hovind. The first is an account of his transfers within the prison system, and although I don't feel even a twinge of sympathy for Hovind, I do feel for the other prisoners who experience the impersonal neglect and arbitrary abstention from human contact that is imposed by they system. I can't feel much for Hovind, because his accounts are loaded with increasing amounts of frantic piety—he's praying, praying, praying and proselytizing, proselytizing, proselytizing as if he's desperated for some kind of magical redemption. It's just too bad and too late; the poor man is trapped in his useless and self-serving cycle of looking for help from a non-existent being.
The second entry is just plain weird. It's an extended metaphor in which he compares himself to an ax, and the people he preaches to to trees, and he's in a vise (which he spells as "vice") which prevents him from chopping wood, and oh, how he loves to chop wood, and he likes to cut deeply. It's a little bit disturbing. I hope that when he gets out he is kept away from sharp objects.
Comments
And I thought he was creepy before. Wonder what sort of people will eventually show up to his funeral.
Posted by: Bronze Dog | May 24, 2007 5:36 PM
Just let me party with Ken Ham. Forget this dragon apostate!
Posted by: John Danley | May 24, 2007 5:43 PM
Now, now. Not all convicted swindlers are evangelical Christians, and not all evangelical Christians have been convicted yet.
Posted by: Trip the Space Parasite | May 24, 2007 5:46 PM
Woodsman, are you listening to me? Do you know what you are doing?
I'm not up an expert on their rules but isn't that blasphemy?
Posted by: Alexandra | May 24, 2007 6:02 PM
To be scrupulously fair, 'vice' is a recognised substitute.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/vice
Posted by: Despard | May 24, 2007 6:04 PM
This is an extension of the larger metaphor of the creationist community "chopping down the evil tree of evolution" and that's definitely disturbing. They prefer "unborn" and dead things to living ones - maybe because "unborn" and dead things feel no pleasure.
Posted by: Kristine | May 24, 2007 6:11 PM
I really hope the famous person Kent is talking about is Joe Francis. Stay strong Joe! Try to get out early so you can continue with the Lords work!
Posted by: Chris | May 24, 2007 6:16 PM
Kent Hovind an axe? Hm, I had thought him a sledge. But I guess an axe can be like a sledge ... if it's unusually dull ...
Posted by: llewelly | May 24, 2007 6:16 PM
Dear Ax,
You're a tax cheat. Stay in the vise until the Department of Park Services lets you out.
Posted by: Woodsman | May 24, 2007 6:22 PM
The man is cracking up, no doubt about it... Kent will probably switch the prison for the asylum sooner than anyone thought.
Posted by: forsen | May 24, 2007 6:35 PM
Disturbing, yes, but I understand the metaphor he's using with the axe. He sees his incarceration as a time of suffering to sharpen his senses, so when he's let free he'll be that much better at preaching and "witnessing". Many of the christians I used to know loved this kind of "trials and tribulations"-type talk, so I guess it doesn't seem all that weird/crazy to me. Just the kind of speaking-in-parables they prefer from so much immersion in the bible.
Posted by: MHC | May 24, 2007 6:47 PM
Yes, but who is the Woodsman? "The Master" (shades of Buffy?) is clearly God. So The Woodsman is Jesus? Jesus has allowed (or forced) Kent to be incarcerated? Or is God the Woodsman and Jesus the Master?
I don't get this Religion stuff.
Posted by: Kseniya | May 24, 2007 6:58 PM
An ax, thudding over and over, deeper and deeper into the tender flock, thudding, rhymically, on and on, thudding...
Wasn't that the plot of every 70s era 8mm porn loop? Kent, get your mind out of the gutter.
Posted by: QrazyQat | May 24, 2007 7:07 PM
I never gave nothing to The Tinman
That he didnt, didn't already have
Also, I am imagining a flag in which Hovind is wrapped in sticks.
Yeah, I know, silly.
Posted by: Janine | May 24, 2007 7:09 PM
To get on my grumpy British (i.e. actual) english high horse, it's "axe" and "vice".
Posted by: Magpie | May 24, 2007 7:19 PM
I have previously commented on this blog in support of Hovinds release. But all those issues aside, I certainly agree that his writings are getting wierder. This ax stuff is just cuckoo!
It reminds me of one of those "worlds worst album covers" slideshows with that one album cover with those hicks on the it holding axes, and its entitled "Swing That Gospel Axe"
Priceless.
Posted by: Aaron Kinney | May 24, 2007 7:32 PM
Are we sure that the "ax" parable is about preaching? I took it as a sexual metaphor. I mean, he's still getting lots of opportunities to preach at people.
He also says, "No! Wait! Why are you grinding and filing off part of me? Why would you take away pieces of the most effective part of me--my cutting edge?" I don't think it's his ability to preach that's being eroded.
Posted by: chaos_engineer | May 24, 2007 7:34 PM
If anything, white collar criminals should go to jail longer than violent offenders, as they cause vastly more damage.
Hovind can rot.
Posted by: Stogoe | May 24, 2007 7:37 PM
It's all just a shameless attempt to get sympathy and apply public pressure to release him. Totally pathetic.
Posted by: Randy | May 24, 2007 7:41 PM
Why should a criminal have access to the internet?
Posted by: blue funk | May 24, 2007 7:42 PM
The Axe hungers for blood and souls for lord Jebus!
Posted by: windy | May 24, 2007 7:43 PM
I find the comments to his blog entry a fascinating insight into the cult mentality.
I didn't know anything about "Dr." Hovind but his Wikipedia entry is rather damning when it comes to the nature of the complaints against him. How can anyone really believe that if they played that fast and loose with their taxes and so blatantly thumbed their noses at the Feds they wouldn't end up in the same place as Hovind, regardless of their religious beliefs?
Hovind's entire life is a direct and specific repudiation of his belief in the "power" of prayer - and it doesn't matter in the slightest to his followers.
Amazing.
Posted by: Jimbo | May 24, 2007 7:44 PM
Previously, he comapred himself to a vase. I liked FuManchu's May 23 comment in the moving blog.
Posted by: Corey Schlueter | May 24, 2007 8:31 PM
Dear Ax,
Mr. Woodsman has decided to give up the clearcutting for Jesus. He has locked you up because he realizes you are a force for destruction in the world. You won't be wasting any more of my precious wood on your idiotic Dino adventure lands.
Get used to it.
Sincerely,
Mr. Tree
Posted by: CalGeorge | May 24, 2007 8:41 PM
I don't think he has access to the Internet -- I think someone transcribes his letters. I popped over to read his post and the comments were pretty fawning - all "Dr. Hovind" -- don't they realize he has a degree-mill, purchased paper qualification. Arggh.
Posted by: Monado | May 24, 2007 9:01 PM
So, is he advocating a sort of slash-and-burn approach to the prison population?
It'll probably be best not to give him any matches.
Posted by: Dan | May 24, 2007 9:05 PM
... is it even vaguely possible that Hovind might either:
a) fllip out and go bananas in a psychiatrically diagnosable (rather than his already extant) sense? Or,
b) "God's failure" to get him out of jail might... initiate a deconversion? Hey, wouldn't THAT be something?
Posted by: Troff | May 24, 2007 9:40 PM
I'm pretty sure the "Woodsman" is supposed to be the government, or at least that portion of it that agrees with his political goals. He's basically saying that, sure, he broke the law, but he should be let out anyway because he's doing god's work.
Yay exceptionalism.
Posted by: Sophist, FCD | May 24, 2007 10:12 PM
Kent Hovind an axe? Hm, I had thought him a sledge.
I had rather thought him a box of hammers.
Posted by: Ichthyic | May 24, 2007 10:15 PM
He also says, "No! Wait! Why are you grinding and filing off part of me? Why would you take away pieces of the most effective part of me--my cutting edge?" I don't think it's his ability to preach that's being eroded.
"Kent Hovind dies of Syphillis in prison, story at 11"
hmm, now that I think about it...
I'd be willing to lay odds on that.
any takers?
Posted by: Ichthyic | May 24, 2007 10:20 PM
The comments on that blog are... stunning. Short version:
"Surely you will burn in hell for daring to speak against such a righteous man as Dr. Hovind! This isn't about taxes. THEY WANT HIM DEAD!"
His followers are preemptively martyring him. It's so... Christian.
________________________________________________________________________________
* "THEY." You know. Them. Us. The enemies of Christ. Everyone except the Faithful.
Posted by: Kseniya | May 24, 2007 11:14 PM
Someone said Hovind is cracking up? You mean you thought he was un-cracked before? You haven't watched enough of his show... What's frightening is how many Americans take him seriously. It shows how illogical the general public is, and how sadly ignorant of science. In fact, the U.S. is the SECOND most scientifically illiterate nation in the developed world. Yes, if it were not for the greater illiteracy of Turkey, we would be #1! Go, team!
Posted by: Mousie Cat | May 24, 2007 11:40 PM
.. Yes, if it were not for the greater illiteracy of Turkey, we would be #1! Go, team!
Harun Yaha is working to fix that as we speak.
Posted by: Ichthyic | May 25, 2007 12:03 AM
In the first post, the one about the transfers between prisons, he mentions that he is writing a new book but that is it difficult to do without his research materials.
I don't get that. What does he need "research materials" for? Doesn't he just make up all his nonsense?
Posted by: Gerry L | May 25, 2007 12:21 AM
...
...
Ten years from now, Hovind will STILL be acting all innocent with his wide-eyed pleading "Why is this happening to me, Lord?"
Reading the comments to Hovind's posts is disturbing. I'm sure they see themselves as supportive, but ...
If Hovind were an addict in rehab, these would be the people who smuggled in fresh drugs, gave him bracing sips of whiskey on the sly, and told him to resist the advice of the evil counselors. They'd be the enablers, the co-addicts who plead "Don't get sober and leave us behind, Kent."
As to the terrible conditions in prison, I'd have to wonder if Hovind spent five minutes worth of effort on prison reform before this happened to him. Even now, he sees his fellow inmates as absolutely nothing but prey for his predatory religious impulses.
Seriously, the man appears to have zero respect for them as human beings. Even sharing prison with them, he still sees them as perpetually LESS than his godly self. He still believes only he can "save" them - even though his own irresistible, irrational impulses landed him there beside them.
If he had a free hand with these people, what sort of prison programs would a self-involved monster like this create?
...
On the other hand, I have to admit my cold heart just melted at Hovind's "I must close as my four-inch pencil dulls so quickly!" The fairy tale of The Little Match Girl, freezing to death in a wintry alley, is only slightly more moving.
...
...
Posted by: Hank Fox | May 25, 2007 12:37 AM
Both of those stories suck. The Hovind Saga is just "Sniffle, I'm in prison, WHY ME? Why am I in jail for tax evasion? Why?"
And Little Match Girl is freaking depressing when you hear it as a child. (Though the version in Hogfather is quite amusing.)
Posted by: Chinchillazilla | May 25, 2007 1:47 AM
If he had a free hand with these people, what sort of prison programs would a self-involved monster like this create?
paper mache Flintstone Diorama hour?
Posted by: Ichthyic | May 25, 2007 1:58 AM
I prefer The Little Match Girl Who Could. In that one, she freezes to death at the top of a very steep hill.
Posted by: Kseniya | May 25, 2007 2:13 AM
Whatever you think of the guy, or prisoners in general, this business of shackling them during transfers sounds like something out of the 17th century. Is there any evidence at all that practices like this - not to mention 53 executions in a year - have the desired effect?
Posted by: Andrew Cooper | May 25, 2007 2:29 AM
Much as it pains me to agree in any way with K.Hovind, vice is the correct spelling as is colour not color.
Perhaps he has spellcheck switched to English (UK) ?
Posted by: synthesist | May 25, 2007 3:00 AM
I feel sorry for the other inmates. Isn't it bad enough that you might be in prison anyway, without someone like this "trying to share Christ" with you?
Posted by: Kat | May 25, 2007 3:48 AM
Last time I read of someone comparing himself to an axe, he'd just killed 32 people at Virginia Tech.
Posted by: Moggie | May 25, 2007 4:23 AM
Bronze Dog:
Given the ax(e)/tree-felling metaphor... Druids?
Magpie:
To get on my tongue-in-cheek high horse, it's "English."
Winning line from the comments on "Dr." Hovind's blog post:
Can't argue with that!
Posted by: Voice O'Reason | May 25, 2007 6:24 AM
Perhaps he is more clever than you give him credit for?
We had incarcerated a businessman over here in the UK
(one Ernest Saunders) for false accounting. Sentenced
to 5 yrs in prison he sadly started developing pre-senile
dementia. Understandably he was released early (after
10 months), to enjoy the last of his days and miracle of
miracles, he made a full recovery! Hallelujah! Strangely
enough he wasn't recalled to serve the rest of his
sentence. That axe may be being used on the prison wall :*)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ernest_Saunders
Posted by: Peter Telford | May 25, 2007 7:06 AM
The "famous man" referred to in the Moving. post is indeed Joe Francis from Girls Gone Wild... he was being moved from Florida by the feds the same day as Hovind in preparation for relocation to Nevada for his own tax evasion trial. That had to be a CO's idea of a cruel joke to chain everyone to their seats except Kent and let him "witness" to his fellow inmates, including poor Joe...
Maybe they felt bad for the stunt when the guards woke Kent up at 4 am earlier this year and told him he was going home... instead he was tranferred to another jail!
Posted by: Nate | May 25, 2007 7:43 AM
The guy is a tax evader. Leona Helmsly and many corpo types have ripped off millions from the government and gotten lighter sentences.
And Hovind walks away with a few hundred thousand?
Frankly, although I never liked Hovind this whole thing does smell of religous persecution.
Jesus! Some murderers get less time.
Posted by: gonawanda | May 25, 2007 8:09 AM
""Whatever you think of the guy, or prisoners in general, this business of shackling them during transfers sounds like something out of the 17th century. Is there any evidence at all that practices like this - not to mention 53 executions in a year - have the desired effect?""
Yes, restraining prisoners during transfers keeps them from fighting or trying to escape. Executing prisoners kills them, which I believe is the desired effect in that case, though I think a tad out-dated...
Posted by: seaducer | May 25, 2007 8:26 AM
I keep seeing that Kent will be serving 10 years. My understanding is that he was sentenced to 10 years plus 3 years parole. He could get out with good behaviour after 8 and half years. However it is more likely he will actually spend 13 years in prison. My understanding is he will only be paroled for the final 3 years if:
1. He cooperates with the recovery of the money owing to the IRS
2. He is up to date with his Tax affairs so has submitted correct Tax returns.
I can't find where I came across this, but this if true he is in for a longer stretch as he is unlikely to meet the conditions of his parole.
Posted by: tax buster | May 25, 2007 8:26 AM
Hovind: Geez, what a whiner. I think he forgot the "Give to Caesar that which is Caesar's..." part of the New Testament.
His own fault.
Posted by: complex_field | May 25, 2007 8:30 AM
He is in a vice...
Posted by: James McGrath | May 25, 2007 8:53 AM
Hovind was his usual sociopathic brain dead self. If he had claimed ignorance and cooperated with the cops after he was caught, he might have just got civil penalties and maybe probation.
Instead he tried his one trick. Tried to lie, flimflam, obstruct, evade, and threaten the feds. At one point, he even claimed he wasn't really a US citizen, just someone who happened to live in North America. Unfortunately for him, what works on uneducated cultists doesn't work on the authorities. Hovind is a predatory conman and he is exactly where he should be. Also seems to be incorrigible. Wouldn't surprise me if he gets caught again after he gets out for the same type of thing.
Posted by: raven | May 25, 2007 9:40 AM
"...Go ahead. Chop with me all day long. I can take it. Actually, I love it!..."
Wow. There's definitely something Freudian going on with the guy.
As for Harun Yahya, he might soon join Hovind behind bars, since his mafia-esque organization has gotten a high court call for threatening and bribing people. But this is Turkey, so you might never know how it will turn out.
Posted by: nemo ramjet | May 25, 2007 10:20 AM
Hank, your reference to The Little Match Girl sparked my interest so brightly that I missed the gist of your comment! (Hey, it was late...) You rehab analogy is apt, insightful, and I agree with all it implies. Those threads are hotbeds of cognitive dissonance and denial.
Posted by: Kseniya | May 25, 2007 10:35 AM
Kseniya: And I laughed out loud at "The Little Match Girl Who Could." (I think I'm cold, I think I'm cold, I think I'm cold ...)
Posted by: Hank Fox | May 25, 2007 11:44 AM
Heh heh. . .it's like Jack's spleen.
'I am Kent's atrophied ax-handle.'
Posted by: Jenbug | May 25, 2007 12:03 PM
WOODMAN, spare that tree!
Touch not a single bough!
In youth it sheltered me,
And I'll protect it now.
'Twas my forefather's hand
That placed it near his cot;
There, woodman, let it stand,
Thy axe shall harm it not!
--George Pope Morris
Woodman, Spare That Tree
Posted by: khan | May 25, 2007 2:17 PM
I tell you, as one who's been inside several California state prisons (as an employee, not an inmate; I want to stress that point), some inmates make it so they must be put in solitary, for their own protection.
Sometimes it's to protect others; sometimes it's to protect themselves. With Hovind in jail, trying to "save" other inmates who have murdered to get into jail for far less annoyance than Hovind is putting out there now, solitary for him doesn't surprise me for a second.
It's for his own good, even if he doesn't want to hear that reasoning.
(I say this even know how scary solitary at some state prisons is. It's close to being the scariest place on earth...)
Posted by: MikeM | May 25, 2007 3:30 PM
Hovind always said that he would only engage in oral, rather than written, debates with scientists about evolution because he was too busy. The rest of us thought he didn't engage in written debates because there would be time to check into his claims.
I would have suspected that he now has enough time to start engaging in a few such debates. Instead he writes articles comparing himself to an ax.
Hmm....
Posted by: Randy C | May 25, 2007 3:46 PM
Heh heh heh... ^.^
Posted by: Azkyroth | May 25, 2007 4:31 PM
As for Harun Yahya, he might soon join Hovind behind bars, since his mafia-esque organization has gotten a high court call for threatening and bribing people. But this is Turkey, so you might never know how it will turn out.
2:1 "he'll" (it's a group AFAIK) end up here in the US if official charges are filed in Turkey.
whoever they file charges against will never do a day in jail.
hope I'm wrong, seriously.
Posted by: Ichthyic | May 25, 2007 9:49 PM