The passing of an Accounts Receivable playa
Category: Humor
Posted on: May 1, 2007 4:51 PM, by PZ Myers
Rest in peace, Herbert F. Kornfeld.
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PZ Myers is a biologist and associate professor at the University of Minnesota, Morris.
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Comments
I like the article about Karl Rove throwing the elections so he could win betting on a Democratic victory.
Posted by: Monado | May 1, 2007 5:15 PM
Peace, H-Dog.
On a similar note, one wonders what the appropriate beverage would be to pour onto the ground in his honor. A forty of what? Malt liquor? Peet's coffee? Tab?
Posted by: Brian | May 1, 2007 5:36 PM
H-Dog wuz a Krystal Lite man, yo. Mourn ya till I join ya, cuz.
*tips pitcher of refreshing diet beverage*
Posted by: biff3000 | May 1, 2007 5:43 PM
This will only lead to an endless cycle of senseless reprisal.
Posted by: Mike Nilsen | May 1, 2007 5:48 PM
I noticed that H-Dog's column last week ( http://tinyurl.com/2b8swr ) had a certain finality to it. Sort of elegiac, I think.
I think he realized what was coming.
Posted by: Rieux | May 1, 2007 6:18 PM
I'm surprisingly upset about this. :( He was by far my favorite Onion columnist - most of the others are just pathetic and depressing. (Don't get me started on Jean Teasdale...)
Oh, well. At least we know that him and CPA-ONE are together in some Accounts Receivable heaven right now, where numbers are crunched every hour of every day, the office coffee pot never runs dry, and, one presumes, there's a little window looking down on all the damned Accounts Payable crew in the lake of fire.
Posted by: Ebonmuse | May 1, 2007 7:18 PM
Actually, reading both articles together it's pretty clear who killed Kornfeld. For shame, fo' shizzle.
Posted by: Rieux | May 1, 2007 7:20 PM
I've give you 5 Minutes to Kill (Yourself). Hint: Go copy your face.
Posted by: AustinAtheist | May 1, 2007 7:52 PM
One for me...
*pauses to pour a tall skinny double mocha latte on the pavement*
...one for my homie Kornfeld.
Posted by: Dustin | May 1, 2007 8:52 PM
It be that Irving Weinbaum mofo fo sure dog. All y'll Herb's posse join wit me here at Midstate and we is not gonna be taken no priznors - True Dat. Hope bidness be good and da books be balancing for you homie. You had the mad skilz, and waz the baddest mofo AR on da planet.
Posted by: J-Dog | May 1, 2007 10:22 PM
"Although research on gang ethnicity is sketchy at best, one survey of gangs in large cities indicated that approximately 48 percent of all gang members are African-American, 43 percent Hispanic, 5 percent Asian, and 5 percent white."
I suspect that white on white murder is indeed rarely documented, and never funny.
http://ojjdp.ncjrs.org/PUBS/reform/ch2_e.html
Posted by: Aryana | May 1, 2007 11:14 PM
I laughed 09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0 times at this story.
Posted by: Christian Burnham | May 1, 2007 11:28 PM
My condolences to Kornfeld's family.
As the friend of an investigator working on Kornfeld's case, I have heard through the grape vine that drugs may have been involved; several hours before the murder, Kornfeld was caught on an office surveillence camera selling a small packet of glue and several markers to a pair of employees from the human resources department. Although huffing fumes from whiteboard markers is the second leading cause of drug-related deaths, the sales of illegal markers (known as "magic markers" in the hallways) are profitable to anyone involved in the black market.
Due to the massive illegal dealings in markers and the ever-rising death from marker huffing, I ask you all to support a bill recently introduced in Congress (named the Kornfeld Law in Mr. Kornfeld's honor) which would crack down on marker use and require all office employees to write on whiteboards with crayons.
Posted by: Maronan | May 1, 2007 11:29 PM
I have no sympathy for him. He knew what he was getting into when he started down the path to accountancy, and as far as I'm concerned, he got what he deserved. It's his own fault for flouting the standards of civilized society.
I only hope that this serves as an example to impressionable youth.
Posted by: aiabx | May 2, 2007 12:39 AM
@Christian Burnham
I had no idea the revolution had spread this far. Have you emailed PZ in order to give him the dark of the matter?
(apologies for the off-topic remark, but I suppose this is an off-topic subject)
Posted by: Kemlo | May 2, 2007 12:40 AM
(apologies for the off-topic remark, but I suppose this is an off-topic subject)
Off topic? It's left orbit, guys. ;-)
Posted by: Graculus | May 2, 2007 1:32 AM
I second Ebonmuse, I'm also surprisingly upset by this.
What a bummer.
Numbers, the life, they have a dangerous appeal some men just can't resist.
I'm going to have to click a stapler at H&R Block next time I drive by, just to even things up.
Posted by: Stephen Ockham | May 2, 2007 3:29 AM
Weinbaum?!?! But he didn't even care ta balance da books! Just cuz the compny wuz in da black! I'm bout's to roll on dat foo.
It really wuz all bouts dem numbas...
Posted by: Michael | May 2, 2007 3:51 AM
Kemlo wrote
I have no idea what you're talking about! I just laughed an extraordinarily large number of times- and to save pixels I wrote that number down in hexadecimal.
It's not like writing the number 09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0 is illegal or anything!
http://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20070415-aacs-cracks-cannot-be-revoked-says-hacker.html?
(I await the police.)
Posted by: Christian Burnham | May 2, 2007 4:04 AM
I wonder if they will connect this guy to the gangs in the other accounting hot spots, like Hartford and Philadelphia.
They really need to get an undercover guy inside these organizations, someone really mild-mannered and non-threatening.
Hey PZ, are you available for a short stint away from home? The life is tough -- up late with the second set of books, sometimes even a midnight rendezvous with a big shipment of Wite-Out from Dubuque -- but you get a lot in return, too. Ever see an entire coffee table covered in #2 pencils? The good ones with high-quality erasers and premium graphite? You pick one up, slip it smoothly into the sharpener, and then breathe in that amazing cedar aroma...
Well, it's your call. But they need good, if somewhat gray, men. Give them a call at that 09 F9 number mentioned above, and ask for Millard Fillmore. Yeah, that's his real name -- he's a natural, he can teach you what you need to know, and fast.
Posted by: xebecs | May 2, 2007 7:59 AM
I wonder if the Onion is planning on killing off all its columnists. What's next, Smoove B shot to death by a jealous husband?
Posted by: Ebonmuse | May 2, 2007 8:11 AM
My girlfriend is surprisingly upset about this. Should I be worried?
He really was the best of the op columnists though.
Posted by: Patrick | May 2, 2007 8:26 AM
Nah, Smoove B is going to meet Jean Teasdale, and the two will run off together and live happily ever after.
Posted by: PZ Myers | May 2, 2007 8:32 AM
I liked the story on the right side bar even better- "There Are Going To Be Some Pointless Changes Around This Office". Most of the stories on the Onion are satire. But this one must be true because it had to be about my office.
Posted by: Deepsix | May 2, 2007 9:13 AM
You should enjoy this one, PZ. So this is what "scientists" call "research". Now we know the truth!
"World's Top Scientists Ponder: What If The Whole Universe Is, Like, One Huge Atom?"
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29433
Posted by: Deepsix | May 2, 2007 9:57 AM
Here's the Onion honoring a science teacher. I left high school long, long ago, but this guy is certainly in the tradition of some of my teachers:
Teacher of the Year
Posted by: Apikoros | May 2, 2007 10:34 AM
Bring back T. Herman Zweibel!
Posted by: sglover | May 2, 2007 11:00 AM
"This is what accountancy does to people..."
John Cleese warned us 30 years ago, but some people never learn.
Dibs on his "Lion Tamer" hat!
-- CV
Posted by: CortxVortx | May 2, 2007 12:40 PM
I can't boast to have ridden with H, but you follow a man's career, and you begin to feel it and know it. SHit. Whatever--Spill your lattes, spill your Peets--I spill the real coffee maker coffee brewedd to the perfect proportions: two an' three-eighths scoops o' Folgers wit' three an' one-quarter cups o' water.
Sees ya in the Flourescent HEreafter
Posted by: PorQpine | May 2, 2007 2:27 PM
Damn. This has got to be the worst blow to the Onion's editorial staff since Dept. Head Rawlings disappeared on that mission into the Vakhan province. (I hear Mei-Ling was never the same after that.)
Posted by: Brian X | May 3, 2007 12:53 AM