Evolution, development, and random biological ejaculations from a godless liberal
PZ Myers is a biologist and associate professor at the University of Minnesota, Morris.
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The real world was far too real to leave neat little hints. It was full of too many things. It wasn't by eliminating the impossible that you got at the truth, however improbable; it was by the much harder process of eliminating the possibilities.
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Category: Kooks
Posted on: June 13, 2007 1:26 PM, by PZ Myers
And now Kent Hovind has transcribed one for us.
I don't know. God sounds like a condescending, sanctimonious dick to me. I think I'm rather glad we aren't friends.
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Comments
Uh... huh. So god quotes (paraphrases?) the bible when he talks. Isnt that like giving yourself as a reference?
Posted by: jba | June 13, 2007 1:30 PM
"GOD: I know, son. I've been with you the entire time (Hebrews 13:5)."
God uses citations when he speaks?
Posted by: povertyrich | June 13, 2007 1:32 PM
guh...not so quick on the draw
Posted by: povertyrich | June 13, 2007 1:34 PM
With a little editing here and there this could be a great comedic script. The possiblities are endless.
Posted by: Bonzo | June 13, 2007 1:35 PM
Wow. Was that for real??
Posted by: ctenotrish, FCD | June 13, 2007 1:35 PM
Wow. Kent Hovind's idea of what a conversation with God sounds like, is awfully close to parts of the script of Oh, God. I wonder if he pictures God as looking like George Burns?
Posted by: tceisele | June 13, 2007 1:35 PM
That was truly hilarious. "Philip says hi".
Posted by: VancouverBrit | June 13, 2007 1:41 PM
Hovind. "God if you loved me so much why did you let them
lock me up?" God. "It's all part of my perfect plan for you, so shut the f**k up and stop asking stupid questions"
Posted by: Jonboy | June 13, 2007 1:43 PM
Isn't that technically a thread, not an email? And why can't they display the headers, so we can see what God's email address is and who his ISP is?
Inquiring minds want to know.
Posted by: booger | June 13, 2007 1:43 PM
Someone snuck some drugs into that guy. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of drugs.
Posted by: Neill Harmer | June 13, 2007 1:45 PM
"O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous..."
Posted by: matthew | June 13, 2007 1:46 PM
God sounds like this.
Posted by: BruceJ | June 13, 2007 1:47 PM
I only made it through the first page or so. After the second time he had God saying "I know, I was there", it started to seem like a put-on. I mean, surely if God were to talk to me like I was a four-year old, I'd get peeved, almighty or not.
Posted by: Rey Fox | June 13, 2007 1:48 PM
Off topic, but I think you'll all want to read this:
Baptists see atheist books as sign of panic
Posted by: M. H. | June 13, 2007 1:50 PM
Posted by: mark | June 13, 2007 1:51 PM
This is absolutely awful. I'd much prefer a six hour stint of wearing handcuffs to beatings and death. I can't believe he's making this stuff up.
Posted by: Brian Thompson | June 13, 2007 1:53 PM
Poor schizophrenic s.o.b.
Posted by: Deepsix | June 13, 2007 1:57 PM
"GOD: I know, son. I was right there with you. I heard your prayers throughout that long night. We had sweet fellowship, didn't we?"
What the Hell! God is Napoleon Dynamite.
Posted by: MartinC | June 13, 2007 2:04 PM
I am 100% certain that God has never read the Bible, so I don't believe "Dr." Hovind had a conversation with him. He was really talking to Satan, obviously. Prince of thieves and yadda yadda.
Posted by: Shawn Wilkinson | June 13, 2007 2:05 PM
I thought this god was supposed to be omniscient. So how come it keeps asking Hovind questions?
What a load of crap! (God, & the text).
Posted by: Richard Harris, FCD | June 13, 2007 2:05 PM
Rey Fox:
I only made it through the first page or so. After the second time he had God saying "I know, I was there", it started to seem like a put-on. I mean, surely if God were to talk to me like I was a four-year old, I'd get peeved, almighty or not.
But you're not Kent Hovind. He prefers to be spoken to in those terms.
I did have two questions.
First, why did they refer to him as "Dr" Hovind?
Second, Hovind has always claimed that he never had the necessary time to engage in written debates about evolution. He appears to have a lot of time on his hands now and he clearly has access to email. So why isn't he using this time to display his brilliant arguments in such written debates?
Posted by: Randy C. | June 13, 2007 2:07 PM
GOD: I know a lot about back pain, son.
Hanging by your hands is supposed to be good for back pain...
Posted by: windy | June 13, 2007 2:08 PM
Oh, man. I couldn't read that whole thing. It was like staring at a man talking and gesturing to himself on the street corner.
Posted by: Hank Fox | June 13, 2007 2:09 PM
This sounds like the Gospel according to Stewie:
"Yay, and the Lord said unto Abraham, 'You must kill your son, Isaac.' And Abraham said, 'I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone.' And God said, 'Oh, I'm sorry. Is this better? Test. Test. Check. Check. Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here.'"
Posted by: Pablo | June 13, 2007 2:09 PM
Uh... huh. So god quotes (paraphrases?) the bible when he talks. Isnt that like giving yourself as a reference?
When one is the greatest reference in the universe then I think one is allowed to reference oneself. Anywhere from the creation stories in Genesis all the way through to the Revelation testament of Saint John, the testament with the giant flying birdie horsies in there.
Posted by: 386sx | June 13, 2007 2:09 PM
Actually -- Beatings & Death sound like a great alternative to spending time on the same planet with these wingnuts -- at least after I'm dead they can't get me 'cos neither I nor they will exist....
and don't come back with any comments about the 'afterlife' -- no god, no satan, no heaven, no hell, no soul, no bardo, no limbo: nothing, nada, only void.
(as an aside -- if Xians are all so fired up about 'life' and what it means -- why are they so damn pre-occupied with death?)
Posted by: tony | June 13, 2007 2:12 PM
The whole thing is even funnier if you imagine Terry Jones as God and a hapless Michael Palin as Kent. Read it again, and this time do the voices!
Posted by: Martin Wagner | June 13, 2007 2:16 PM
"Prince of thieves and yadda yadda."
Isn't that Robin Hood?
Posted by: Numad | June 13, 2007 2:23 PM
What is really sad are the parents who are proud of their children's brainwashing:
"my 14 year old son who can quote nearly all of your 7 DVD Seminar and who has watched all of your debates as well as watching CSE 101, 102, 103 and 104 multiple times. You have taught him so much."
"My family and I recently discovered your DVDs. We are enjoying them very much and sharing them with friends and family."
One comment they let slip through:
"I can't help but think that committing fraud, getting convicted, and going to jail is quite a strange way to spread the gospel."
And my favorite:
"I pray for those evolutionist & atheists that are re-thinking their position as a result of what is done to brother Kent Hovind, that you kindly in your mercy & love..., reach out unto them by your Holy Spirit & convince them of sin..."
First, I doubt that even one athiest or evolutionist is "re-thinking their position as a result" of what is happening to a convicted fraud preacher.
Second, whenever anybody tells me that they are going to pray for me, I tell them I am going to masturbate for them; since prayer is spiritual self-stimulation generally accompanied by fantasy, just like masturbation is physical self-stimulation generally accompanied by fantasy.
Posted by: Jaycubed | June 13, 2007 2:23 PM
Wow, that was... surreal. Philip says "Hi." Job says "Hang in there!" Joseph and Paul say "Yes, that hurts him, but you should have seen my ankles."
I have seen the inside of Hovind's mind, and that's more than enough. I'll just slowly back away from the deep pit of crazy now...
(Also, it reads more like a chat log than an email exchange, but whatever.)
Posted by: Nicolas | June 13, 2007 2:24 PM
Ingenious! Mind if I use it on the wing-nuts who come to my university on occasion?
Posted by: Shawn Wilkinson | June 13, 2007 2:27 PM
"Actually -- Beatings & Death sound like a great alternative to spending time on the same planet with these wingnuts -- at least after I'm dead they can't get me 'cos neither I nor they will exist...."
Posted by: tony
I saw a wonderful T-shirt recently that read:
I MAY BE GOING TO HELL . . . . . BUT AT LEAST YOU WON'T BE THERE
Posted by: Jaycubed | June 13, 2007 2:27 PM
God said:
God makes typos?
Recursion, tautology, whatever. :D God can ignore rules, like logic, thermodynamics, and grammar.jba said:
Posted by: ZorkFox | June 13, 2007 2:28 PM
Suppose Ken had claimed to have spoken with God through his prison-approved hairbrush...
Posted by: Rey Fox | June 13, 2007 2:28 PM
It would seen that God is a Skinnerian, giving Hovind positive reenforcement with every statement.
Posted by: Janine | June 13, 2007 2:29 PM
[W]henever anybody tells me that they are going to pray for me, I tell them I am going to masturbate for them...
"Ingenious! Mind if I use it on the wing-nuts who come to my university on occasion?"
Posted by: Shawn Wilkinson
Please feel free. Just tell them you're proselytizing them.
Posted by: Jaycubed | June 13, 2007 2:30 PM
"GOD: You have no idea about a lot of things, son. Would a two-and-a-half-hour bus ride in a cage be a small price to pay for eighty-seven souls? For even one soul?"
Reminds me of a joke: A Caribbean taxi driver and priest arrive together at the gates of heaven. The taxi driver gets welcomed in with open arms and the priest is left standing. He asks Peter for an explanation.
Peter says:
"We work by results here. Everytime you preached people slept, everytime he drove they prayed."
Posted by: Sailor | June 13, 2007 2:30 PM
Most people who hear voices from unseen speakers and get messages from invisible, intangible creatures... especially the people who hear voices and get messages AND commit crimes, usually get put on heavy medication and committed to hospital care.
How is it that getting messages from God is any different?
Posted by: Evolving Squid | June 13, 2007 2:31 PM
"God sounds like a condescending, sanctimonious dick to me."
PZ Meyers
You left out insipid.
Posted by: Jaycubed | June 13, 2007 2:32 PM
Another relatively mindless comment (sorry)
If you were having a conversation with God - wouldn't you want to talk about something a little more substantive, and less like you'd have with a bored neighbor?
Maybe that's why God's never spoken to me -- do I expect too much?
My hypothetical conversation with God...(god is played by a spoiled child with the IQ of a gnat, and happens to sound like the geico gecko - sorry)
Canto #1:
tony: Dear God - Why do you let innocent people die in places like Darfur?
god: It's ineffable!
tony: By ineffable, what do you mean exactly?
god: well it's like this. I'm an old greybeard, right? I'm basically WASP, and I've got a truly biblical bad-ass attitude. So the Darfur thing is there as an example.
tony: But what kind of example do you mean? I'm afraid all I see if that you're an utter bastard for letting such a thing happen.
god: at last! Somebody gets it! Yes! I am a bastard. I'm mean, and spiteful, and I can kiss you and knife you at the same time. Those Mafia types have got nothing on me! Yeah me!
tony: You bastard!
god: bastard, Lord, if you don't mind!
...
Canto #2:
tony: I still don't get you!
god: Well you wouldn't would you? I'm god, and you're not! Stands to reason you can't get me! If you could get me, then you'd be god! but you're not, so deal with it!
tony: You supposedly have all this power, right?
god: surely do!
tony: so why don't you use it for good?
god: define good? To me good is anything that doesn't get my dander up... like you're doing right now!
tony: so questioning is, in your terms, bad?
god: not bad exactly, just not good. Why do you think I kept using the sheep thing as an example. I like sheep. Sheep follow the herd. And the leader of the sheep isn't any smarter... it just happens to be going in some random direction.
tony: so you want me to not question, and just follow?
god: exactamente! you might be getting the hang of this....
tony: but who do you expect me to follow?
god: anybody you like. I'll let you know when you die if you've followed the right one!
tony: you mean you won't tell me?
god: nope! ineffable, right?
tony: but if I follow the bible, do what it says, that's good, right?
god: ain't saying! you'll just have to wait and see
...
canto #3
tony: oh dear - I appear to be dying
god: ....
tony: god?
tony: cooee - hey god!
tony: hmmmm.
tony: apparently theis god thing was just a figment of my imagination
Posted by: tony | June 13, 2007 2:33 PM
God is such a rascal, leaking the convicts' sensitive personal information to the whole world through Hovind... Someone should ask this Jerome guy (if he exists) what he thinks about Hovind calling his mama a prostitute. That should make for some harmless prison fun, right?
Posted by: windy | June 13, 2007 2:37 PM
If I were talking to god and I said, "I had a hard day today," and he said for the forty-seventh time, "I know, I was there with you," I would have responded with "THEN WHY THE FUCK AM I WASTING MY TIME TALKING TO YOU, YOU PEDANTIC KNOW-IT-ALL CUNT?!"
My heart goes out to Hovind. He clearly has the patience of a saint to be able to put up with that smarmy asshole.
Posted by: Brownian | June 13, 2007 2:38 PM
Armchair psychoanalysis:
Given the fact that "god" calls Kent "son" in every sentence, I'm getting the distinct impression of a man who is trying to fill the gap left by an uncaring, emotionally-distant father with his imaginary friend "god".
"God" might seem like a dick here -- but the truly pitiable figure is Hovind, clearly still trying to live up to the perfection Daddy expected of him -- and clearly still failing.
Posted by: Warren | June 13, 2007 2:38 PM
At least one of the people posting a comments has a clue - they were down on Hovind for giving evangelicals a bad name with us atheists.
Regarding Hovind's "Conversation With God"... IMO, nothin' but a cheap legal ploy, going for the "I Got Mental Problems" early release. You can bet your sweet Robertson that this piece of nonsense will appear in a future parole request.
Posted by: J-Dog | June 13, 2007 2:41 PM
For me, the ultimate in hubris is saying you know what God's will is... I would think if they were so devout, they'd be a little more humble.
But then, I'm just a damned atheist anyway.
Posted by: Son Of Slam | June 13, 2007 2:41 PM
Who knew Monty Python and Holy Grail captured a conversation with God so accurately? I had always just assumed it was satire. Or is Kent trying to write satire? I get confused.
Posted by: Mel | June 13, 2007 2:41 PM
A quote from about halfway down the first page
GOD: You are doing fine, son. You are still in my will.
I never knew that god needed a will! Who is the executor? And will they need to pay estate taxes?
We need to know!
Posted by: tony | June 13, 2007 2:42 PM
GOD: I know, son. I was right there with you. I heard your prayers throughout that long night. We had sweet fellowship, didn't we? Thank you for loving me and talking with me.
Sweet fellowship, eh? Sounds like Kent's cell mate has been divinely inspring him in those lonely nights.
...I guess that explains the "OH GOD!" coming from the cell. Gimme more of your sweet fellowship, baby!
Posted by: Shawn S. | June 13, 2007 2:45 PM
"I will overturn your case, son, when I'm done using you for this special mission. Do you think the US government or the Bureau of Prisons could hold you if I wanted you out?"
Well look at that. Hovind's deity put forth a verifiable/testable claim.
Posted by: Navin | June 13, 2007 2:46 PM
Don't you just love the way God only makes unverifiable predictions just like the regular psychics, John Edward and Sylvia Brown? I mean, it's one thing to claim that 87 people no one knows will be saved because of some of Hovind's actions in jail, but when it comes to, say, letting us know when Hovind will be released, all we get is equivocation.
And the whole exercise reminds me of that famous Dickens character from David Copperfield, Uriah Heap, once described as "An abject toady, malignant as he is base; always boasting of his 'umble birth, 'umble position, 'umble abode, and 'umble calling."
Could that quotation be any more appropriate?
Posted by: tacitus | June 13, 2007 2:46 PM
PZ, why can't you write anything as funny (and god-damning) as that? You should get "Dr." Hovind to write as a guest.
Posted by: Jonathan Lubin | June 13, 2007 2:51 PM
"GOD: I love you more than your little brain could ever comprehend. You do have plenty of sin--though that's not why you are there. We will keep working on that sin list regardless of where you are."
Delusional fuck he might be, but he still has the wherewithal to assert his innocence whenever he can.
"Philip is watching you (Hebrews 12:1). He's cheering you on. He says, "Hi." His mansion is near yours."
So he knows he's got a spot in heaven? A mansion no less? I've never been so filled with revile for another human being as this piece of shit has inspired in me. If I don't stop myself, I may wish something very Christian (ie Zechariah 13:3) happens to the man.
Posted by: Brownian | June 13, 2007 2:53 PM
Check out this comment in the thread following the 'transcript':
--------------
I can't help but think that committing fraud, getting convicted, and going to jail is quite a strange way to spread the gospel.
Besides, Kent Hovind's conviction got a high profile in the press, and I fear has confirmed the opinion of many Atheists and Christians that evangelists are just crooks. Kent would need to witness to half the US jail population to make up for all the people he has driven away from Christianity by his fraud and conviction.
------
I wouldn't think Kent's converting some criminals would make up for anything he did if it is converting them to Hovind's brand of religous nonsense (as opposed to the more moderate nonsense).
Posted by: Shawn S. | June 13, 2007 2:53 PM
It appears that Hovind wasn't talking to God, but ELIZA
Posted by: Chili Pepper | June 13, 2007 2:53 PM
Okay, was *noone* else ooged out by that "sweet fellowship" in the middle of the night stuff?
Posted by: clamboy | June 13, 2007 2:57 PM
Clamboy, would you expect anything more from a deity so obsessed with human sexuality?
That Jehovah guy's a perv.
Posted by: Brownian | June 13, 2007 2:58 PM
God's grammar is "real good" too. Must be a NASCAR fan.
Posted by: Jeff | June 13, 2007 3:00 PM
"GOD: You have asked me to use you 173,216 times in the past thirty-eight years"
If his God is counting, I wish he'd get him to dictate a spreadsheet showing a breakdown of all the prayers ever prayed. That might be interesting.
Please don't let her be pregnant, .8%
Please let me finally be pregnant, .6%
For a pony, 1.6%
Proposed bargains (if I get away with it this time, I'll never do it again, plus I promise I'll do x), 8%
Not to die/suffer/be tortured/be maimed/etc., 82%
Something like that.
Posted by: Mel | June 13, 2007 3:02 PM
I love this bit:
I just picture god storming into court shouting "I've got signatures!" and waving this collection beneath the judge's nose.
Damn! These people are wonky.
Posted by: Dan | June 13, 2007 3:03 PM
Email? Reminds me of God's inbox.
Posted by: wjv | June 13, 2007 3:04 PM
Re: 57
GOD: You have asked me to use you 173,216 times in the past thirty-eight years
Would that be use in the biblical sense?
Then I can only feel pity for Hovind. Imagine getting in in the ass so many times, and him a married preacher, no less!
;-)
Posted by: tony | June 13, 2007 3:07 PM
"GOD: I know, son. I was right there with you. I heard your prayers throughout that long night. We had sweet fellowship, didn't we? Thank you for loving me and talking with me."
Ya, that's just so dirty.
I was cracking myself up by reading GOD's part using the voice of BOSS HOGG from Dukes of Hazard. All the "son"s made me think of it.
Posted by: Vitis | June 13, 2007 3:09 PM
Oops - re 57, 60:
I just realized- Hovind ASKED to be used!
So what is "consensual sex with a god up the ass" called? It can't be homosexual (unless Hovind were a god, too)
I can't find the word on google....
;~/
I'm perplexed! Help!
Posted by: tony | June 13, 2007 3:10 PM
In Hovind's case, apparently it's called a tax write-off.
Posted by: Dan | June 13, 2007 3:16 PM
GOD: Did you know his mother was a prostitute and that he has no idea who his father is? Did you know no one had ever prayed for him or witnessed to him in his entire life (Psalms 142:4)?
Man I've got to read the bible again. It seems that God was really specific about some prisoner's personal life in the year 2007 in Psalms 142:4.
Posted by: Kevin | June 13, 2007 3:29 PM
Does anyone else think it's odd that god needs to keep reassuring him that he's there with him all the time? I mean, if he were there, wouldn't Kent know it? And if he is there with Kent, and Kent can't feel his presence, then so fucking what? Thanks for the invisible, untouchable, undetectable support assface. It's really reassuring to know that during my darkest hour, you'll be right there next to me, not doing a fucking thing.
Also, god's reassurances of 'I know, I know' after everthing Kent says sounds a little like a charlatan mind-reader bombing the act.
Apparently, I'm as powerful as god. I can predict the past with 100% accuracy (provided someone tells me about it) too.
Anybody else have the overwhelming urge to punch this lying fraud in the mouth?
Man, I need to take my blood pressure pills.
Posted by: Brownian | June 13, 2007 3:31 PM
I have the distinct feeling that 'Dr' Hovind will be getting more than a punch in the mouth.... especially if he continues to proselytize at every opportunity.
I had to laugh at his comment regarding riding the bus ...as the monitor he got out of wearing shackles...
so... you rode a bus for two hours.... and you didn't wear shackles? Oh my heart bleeds!
Posted by: tony | June 13, 2007 3:37 PM
Yeah, "sweet fellowship" sounds dirty.
But - God took time out from his busy schedule to make sure this jackass got to hand out lunches on the bus? The narcissism is jaw-dropping.
Posted by: Buffybot | June 13, 2007 3:41 PM
#18:
Kent, you fat lard, eat the ham!
Posted by: Chinchillazilla | June 13, 2007 3:42 PM
It would seen that God is a Skinnerian, giving Hovind positive reenforcement with every statement.
That's because Hovind is as dumb as a pigeon.
Posted by: Nullifidian | June 13, 2007 3:43 PM
god must have been the one to arrange his shackle-free bus ride, since he's been previously charged with assault and is serving time for fraud.
I wonder how many of his 'brethren' on the bus found they were short of food and water after Klepto Kent did his rounds.
Posted by: Brownian | June 13, 2007 3:46 PM
As an atheist I need not care. Still this Hovind character is just appalling.
Posted by: sparc | June 13, 2007 3:47 PM
ChiliPepper wrote:
"It appears that Hovind wasn't talking to God, but ELIZA"
Best comment so far, and I felt it needed repeating.
Posted by: Pablo | June 13, 2007 3:56 PM
Man, are you guys are naive. You sound like this is the first time you've ever witnessed the schizophrenic mindset that is not only normal, but cultivated and cherished among true believers. Why do you think it is so hard getting through to them? Among
Christianscultists this is typical behavior. I wish I was exaggerating.And if you read the comments posted below it, you can see just how effective this martyrdom ploy is.
Posted by: RamblinDude | June 13, 2007 3:56 PM
This Hovind guy is really starting to freak me out.
Posted by: Warren Jeffs | June 13, 2007 3:57 PM
Wow, God sounds like Homer Simpson's conversations with his brain.
Homer: Well, at least I liked it. Didn't I?
Brain: Oh, you don't want to know what I really think.
Homer:...
Brain: Now look sad and say "D'oh".
Homer (looking sad): D'oh...
Posted by: woozy | June 13, 2007 4:00 PM
KH: I'm sorry, Lord. You are right.
GOD: I am always right. Go ahead with your questions.
What a prick indeed.
I have a question, though. If locking Hovind in prison was all part of God's plan, why are Hovind's people lambasting the judge and appealing the verdict? They should praise the judge as an instrument of God's will.
Posted by: Ugo Cei | June 13, 2007 4:02 PM
So much of "God" essentially saying 'duh, I was there!" reminds me of the scene in Disney's "Hercules," with Hades and the Fates-- "I know! That you know! I get it!"
Posted by: DaveX | June 13, 2007 4:04 PM
You know, I'll give Hovind's followers one small piece of credit. Unlike another well-known creationist website (cou-Dembski-gh), they don't delete all of the negative comments.
Posted by: tacitus | June 13, 2007 4:14 PM
Is anyone else reminded of the Guatemalan Insanity Peppers?
"I'm only a memory. I can't give you any new information."
Posted by: stogoe | June 13, 2007 4:29 PM
Can I just point out that according to god there are no Atheists in prison? Woo Hoo! Take that Moral Majority!
Posted by: EnoNomi | June 13, 2007 4:31 PM
I like it! But I think John Cleese would make a better god. He could start calmly, then proceed via extreme sarcasm to an insane rant, a la Basil Fawlty when dealing with a stupid hotel guest.
Posted by: VancouverBrit | June 13, 2007 4:48 PM
Funny how when people claim to receive messages from God he always tells them to do EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED HEAR. So God's telling Kent that he's persecuted, that God's been arranging miracles specifically for Kent's benefit, that Kent is God's special servant, and that God will spring Hovind from prison (eventually).
I do notice that unlike most "spirit guides," Hovind's email from God includes specific, testable predictions. I wonder what Hovind's, uh, I mean GOD'S, score on those will be?
Posted by: Richard Clayton | June 13, 2007 4:49 PM
God's weight loss plan for Ken
KH: It was terrible, Lord! Worse than the suicide-watch cell in many ways. The food was bad and never enough. I lost five pounds in eight days. They have three men in a 7′ X 14′ room for twenty-three hours a day. The rooms are designed for two, but I wouldn't keep a dog in one overnight. I never saw the sun for eight days.
GOD: You needed to lose a few pounds, son. How do you feel?
Posted by: comfortably numb | June 13, 2007 4:51 PM
Here's the post I made on the CSE website. What are the odds that it will show up?
--------------------------
Great post, Dr. Hovind. Sounds like you have a really good relationship/communication with God. Could you ask God why He doesn't talk to Christian evolutionists (like Ken Miller) and straighten those guys out? Their evolutionist claims are leading millions to hell. God should tell them how wrong they are - afterall, millions of souls are on the line. They are already Christians, so I'm sure they'll listen. Also, I had a strong Christian friend who died from pancreatic cancer when he was in his mid-twenties. Could you ask God to give us the cure for cancer? I mean, I know it's important to hear that Philip is cheering for you and everything, but maybe a short request for a cure for cancer could be squeezed in somewhere. It would sure help things out a bunch. And please ask God to reveal Himself to the Middle East ASAP - those guys are killing each other because they actually believe they are acting in God's name. They aren't acting in God's name though, and no one can convince them otherwise, except, perhaps, God Himself. Maybe God could come down as a pillar of fire - like He did when He was leading the Jews out of Egypt. That would sure help out a bunch! Thanks!
Posted by: tinyfrog | June 13, 2007 4:54 PM
RamblingDude: And if you read the comments posted below it, you can see just how effective this martyrdom ploy is.
Yeah, no kidding. Did you read the comments section of Hovind's "I am a dull axe" entry a couple of weeks back? There was much wailing and rending of garments.
Posted by: Kseniya | June 13, 2007 5:03 PM
I couldn't get past the first question without chuckling or the fourth question without bursting out loud but I have to ask...why didn't god just answer the questions without having to be asked? I mean, he knew what they were already, right?
Posted by: Rasputin | June 13, 2007 5:06 PM
Does god really cite what he says with parenthetical references to the Bible, because if he does it must be pretty awkward to talk to him. Does he actually say "parenthesis" when he talks, as in blahblah "parenthesis" John 12 "colon" 12 "close parenthesis"?
This was my favorite part: "Do you see why my perfect law (Psalms 19:7) allowed for beatings (Deuteronomy 25), fines (Exodus 22), and death (Exodus 21:12), but never prison?"
Yeah, god is so merciful by calling for stonings and beatings but no prison. Give me a frickin' break.
Posted by: Ric | June 13, 2007 5:12 PM
That's not God, that's just his psychiatrist's session notes :-)
Posted by: mojojojo | June 13, 2007 5:14 PM
From History of the World Part I
God: Moses, this is the Lord, thy God, commanding you to obey my law. Do you hear me?
Moses: Yes! I hear you, I hear you. A deaf man could hear you!
God: What?
Moses: Nothing. Forget it.
Posted by: frau im mond | June 13, 2007 5:15 PM
Just like how god asked adam "where are you?"(Genesis 3:9); didn't he know?
Posted by: mojojojo | June 13, 2007 5:21 PM
Posted by: Silmarillion | June 13, 2007 5:28 PM
#48
Damn I knew someone was going to beat me to the lowbrow sex joke! Mine would have gone something like "I always knew that kent was a nice guy, staying up late to talk and cuddle after a night of sweet fellowship with god."
Posted by: Bill | June 13, 2007 5:35 PM
Hovind needs to read some Boethius and learn to write a real dialog.
Posted by: Bardiac | June 13, 2007 5:36 PM
Kent Hovind. The name alone inspires an image....
Anyway, he fancies himself a martyr. He's in prison for the same reason as Al Capone was, felony tax evasion.
Posted by: E-lad | June 13, 2007 5:59 PM
It is obvious that god has anulled all of the laws of nature and physics to insure that Hovind could hand out ham sammieches.
God in his ultimate wisdom interceding for the salvation of humankind. ***tearing up***
Posted by: E-lad | June 13, 2007 6:11 PM
Interesting how Hovind and God have similar sentence structure, length, and vocabulary.
Can't God cite any sources other than the Bible?
Posted by: ken | June 13, 2007 7:04 PM