…and this is a 
An invitation to heresy! Picket Wal-Mart!
Category: Weirdness
Posted on: July 16, 2007 11:58 AM, by PZ Myers
This may sound like pro-religion news, but it's really not: Wal-Mart is going to sell Jesus action figures.
Maybe it is spreading religious mythology through cheap general stores, but it is also the commodification of a religious hero…so it's devaluing Jesus.
The other thing to consider is what perverse little kids do with their dolls. Get Barbie and Ken alone in the bedroom, and swooosh, off come the clothes, here come the interesting poses, and ooooh, Ken, can my friend Midge come and play, too? Now Jesus gets to join in the action.
I hope the Jesus action figure is anatomically accurate, too. Otherwise he won't be allowed to go to church (see Deuteronomy 23:2).
Comments
Anybody who caught Greenwald's documentary on Walmart knows that there are much better reasons to picket this store.
Posted by: Christian Burnham | July 16, 2007 11:59 AM
PZ you have a renegade Italics tag up there.
Posted by: Rev. BigDumbChimp | July 16, 2007 11:59 AM
We're talking about it at RichardDawkins.net.
Posted by: M.H. | July 16, 2007 12:02 PM
This site has Jesus action figures in 'light skin' and 'dark skin' models.
http://www.trainupachild.com/
Posted by: Christian Burnham | July 16, 2007 12:03 PM
oh the italics! it burns, it burns...
Posted by: Plummet | July 16, 2007 12:04 PM
Finally! I have been waiting for it ever since Dogma was released! Unfortunately, he doesn't really look like Buddy Jesus, but rather a bit like Luke Wilson.
But. now I can finally find out if He-Man can bet the living daylights out of Jesus---wooohoooo!
Posted by: TheJerrylander | July 16, 2007 12:05 PM
makes me wanna sing a few rounds of Plastic Jesus. Particularly the Mojo Nixon and Jello Biafra version.
Posted by: Brian W. | July 16, 2007 12:06 PM
bet shoulda been beat. What can I say? I was sooooo excited.
Posted by: TheJerrylander | July 16, 2007 12:06 PM
@TheJerrylander:
You do realize that they sold "Buddy Christ" figurines, don't you? I've got one.
Posted by: DBEllis | July 16, 2007 12:07 PM
DB:
Oh noooo, I did not realize that. Darn, now there would have been the reason to have stayed in Iowa instead of going to Jerryland... and I MISSED IT :(
Thanks for the heads-up; now I got something I can set my sights on.
Posted by: TheJerrylander | July 16, 2007 12:11 PM
I'm used to fundie shananigans, but this blew me away (fyi: the typo is theirs):
Oh yes. God-forbid the children play with a Spiderman toy...ol' Spidey is a tool of the devil, distracting them from Jesus while trying to teach them about power and responsibility and all that useless crap.
I know indoctrination runs deep with the Christian crowd, but are fundies so insecure in their faith that they wouldn't let their kids near something as harmless as superheroes? I guess so, since there's only room for one improbable mythology in a fundie brain.
Posted by: darrell | July 16, 2007 12:21 PM
I'll bet the action figures have clothes (or a loincloth or something) painted on to avoid the whole naked Jesus situation. Because curiosity comes from the devil, dammit!
Posted by: The Disgruntled Chemist | July 16, 2007 12:21 PM
Looks like Ned Flanders can do his Christmas shopping early this year.
And hey, this is positive. Children no longer need to play with those violent toys they sell nowadays -- now the have the choice to re-enact the massacre of thousands of Philistines by Samson. Yay for religious values!
Posted by: Andrés Diplotti | July 16, 2007 12:23 PM
...
...
"No, your Hulk can't beat my Jesus! Jesus could turn the Hulk into a loaf of bread and feed him to ducks if he wanted to! Dude, Jesus could fire atomic lasers out of his eyes and vaporize whole planets!"
"Well, I think your Jesus is just stupid. At least the Hulk is REAL! He got his powers after getting hit by a nuclear blast. What did Jesus do -- get bitten by a radioactive pope?"
...
...
Posted by: Hank Fox | July 16, 2007 12:31 PM
From the news picture of the box, it doesn't look as though Jesus comes with a crucifixion kit (ie cross and other torture equipment) nor with anything to let you fake the walking on water bit, let alone to curse fig trees or to kill pigs with demons. Those would be the action type stuff required.
Compare that with the "avenging unicorn play set", which has a selection of horns and victims and even allows you to skewer a mime (and also a suited guy who could be any of a politician, lawyer or evangelist). Or the equivalent narwhal one (though I'm not sure how the koala got in the frame, unlike the seal-pup and penguin).
Posted by: SEF | July 16, 2007 12:31 PM
Not to mention that the limbs of said action figures often come off and the bodies get run over or melted in the microwave. Hey, maybe they can make that a selling point - crucify your jesus action figure to save your pre-teen sinnin' soul!
Posted by: Inoculated Mind | July 16, 2007 12:38 PM
Deuteronomy 23:2: "A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD."
OMG, Jesus is the bastard child of God and Mary, he can't enter the church anyways...
Did you mean Deut 23:1 "He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD."
Source
Posted by: Bobryuu | July 16, 2007 12:41 PM
I don't think this will subject Jeebus to as much fornication as ritual mutilation. From the WP entry on Barbie:
"In December 2005 Dr. Agnes Nairn at the University of Bath in England published research suggesting that girls often go through a stage where they hate their Barbie dolls and subject them to a range of punishments, including decapitation and placing the doll in a microwave oven. Dr. Nairn said: "It's as though disavowing Barbie is a rite of passage and a rejection of their past."
Do not ask me why and how this kind of research is funded, though...
Posted by: forsen | July 16, 2007 12:42 PM
I hope that their anatomically accurate Jesus is in fact anatomically accurate. Rumor has it that Jesus was hung like this.
Posted by: JDP | July 16, 2007 12:44 PM
Does Samson come with detachable hair?
Posted by: Ginger Yellow | July 16, 2007 12:45 PM
What a great popsicle stick project!
Posted by: PZ Myers | July 16, 2007 12:48 PM
Not heresy. Blasphemy, maybe.
Posted by: theophylact | July 16, 2007 12:49 PM
I can't wait for the Murder the Canaanites Playset, complete with dead babies.
Posted by: Jeff | July 16, 2007 12:49 PM
I want to know if Jesus @ction Figure comes with a whip and crown of thorns, for all that scourging actions Good Christians seem to be so hot for.
Posted by: delagar | July 16, 2007 12:50 PM
I have a 'Buddy Christ' figurine too, TheJerrylander.
He used to stand in the windowsill of my shower, giving me an encouraging wink and a thumbs up while I soaped my unmentionables.
Everyone can use a thumbs up when they're naked.
Posted by: Brownian | July 16, 2007 12:50 PM
What about the Prophet Samuel action figure, with full hewing-in-pieces action? (Pieces of the Amalekite king Agag sold separately.)
Posted by: Blake Stacey, OM | July 16, 2007 12:52 PM
Hey, we have the material for an enitre line of OT toys here... although http://www.thebricktestament.com may get after us for copyright infringements. A renenactment of the splatter / gang rape story of Judges 19 would be a perfect installment - comlete with removeable body parts there as well.
Posted by: forsen | July 16, 2007 1:01 PM
They make tons of these action figures, you just have to know where to look. (usually obscure toy stores as a joke) I have a marie antoinette with detachable head, a pope, Winston Churchill, Communism Versus Freedom Unicorns, and Jesus.
Posted by: Kelson | July 16, 2007 1:10 PM
Your own ... personal ... Jesus.
I usually don't like to patronize Wal-Mart, but I think that I could have a lot of fun introducing these figures to the aluminum / liquid bromine reaction. A lot of fun.
Posted by: Rick @ shrimp and grits | July 16, 2007 1:11 PM
There's an Allah action figure too.
Posted by: Ericb | July 16, 2007 1:13 PM
Sounds like those Jesus dolls are going to get crucified even without the 'Adventure Crucifixion Set'. Now, will this help to curtail this mythology or reinforce it...?
Posted by: RamblinDude | July 16, 2007 1:14 PM
Where do I get the Caucasian Jesus with the wind-up cord that makes him say anti-gay and pro-military rhetoric?
Posted by: Tom | July 16, 2007 1:16 PM
" Now, will this help to curtail this mythology or reinforce it...?"
Depends on how it looks three days later.
Posted by: Bob | July 16, 2007 1:17 PM
I really want an action figure of Xenu the evil alien overlord of the scientologists!
Posted by: Kelson | July 16, 2007 1:21 PM
The action figures are made by
One2Belive
http://store.messengersoffaith.net/index.html
I like how the title screen is a picture of Samson sodomizing Golith, or something. I don't recall that scene from The Bible. You will also note how all the ancient Jews had northern European features.
Posted by: Bob L | July 16, 2007 1:39 PM
PZ, you crack me up. Does Wal-Mart also sell Harry Potter action figures? How ironic.
Actually, the whole idea of a Jesus action figure is so antithetical to the teachings of Jesus as presented in the Bible, that it is completely laughable.
Posted by: writerdd | July 16, 2007 1:41 PM
Start of a major trend. IMO, the most enigmatic and censored character in the bible was the walking talking snake. Where did he come from and why was there a bored, smart ass snake hanging around anyway? A must have.
The Judas doll. Comes complete with 30 pieces of silver (tinfoil), a rope, and a plastic tree.
Posted by: raven | July 16, 2007 1:45 PM
Presumably there isn't an Islamic Mohammed (or whichever spelling variant you prefer) though! :-D
Posted by: SEF | July 16, 2007 1:47 PM
What about a Transformer Jesus that TURNS INTO a cross?
Posted by: Wrought | July 16, 2007 1:48 PM
"I like how the title screen is a picture of Samson sodomizing Golith, or something."
That's Samson saying "YO! I'm Samson, and am definitely not a homosexual!"
Posted by: Bob | July 16, 2007 1:48 PM
How can I boycott a place I have for many years and for many good reasons steadfastly avoided? These bums export jobs, bring in truly shitty goods, fund backward politicians and promote sprawl and depressed wages. I see how natural it is that jeebus is their mascot but I have no rocks left to throw at that haven of hick shopping. Let them collapse of their own dead weight. Their best move would be to bring out a house-brand legal service that helped people declare bankruptcy while transferring the foreclosure proceeds to a Wal-Mart debit card account. Wal-Mart's long and successful run is one of the strongest cases you can make for associating stupidity with poverty or short term gain with long term poverty, or that globalization is a game that only predatory corporations are winning. Wal-Mart can go sharpen up a splintery old telephone pole, anoint it with capcaicin and curare and sit down on it forcefully.
Posted by: greensmile | July 16, 2007 1:50 PM
Better yet, a Jesus that tranforms into God and also the Holy Ghost. Trinity action pack! Batteries last six days, need recharged on seventh.
Posted by: Wrought | July 16, 2007 1:50 PM
Posted by: Shawn Wilkinson | July 16, 2007 1:58 PM
The company that markets these toys also puts out a line of toys for girls based on Proverbs 31, called P31 girls. Proverbs 31 is, I guess, the 6th Century BC version of "The Rules" and contains gems about the ideal wife like this:
" 15 She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
and this:
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes."
Of course, the doll comes with two cookie cutters.
Posted by: NickM | July 16, 2007 2:02 PM
I'm waiting for the Gahndi action figure, that comes with a cot. the good thing is you don't have tom feed him.
Posted by: The Physicist | July 16, 2007 2:30 PM
It will certainly help to trivialize it, and that can't be a bad thing. Hey nonny nonny.
Posted by: Jeff | July 16, 2007 2:33 PM
How can this be new? Moral Orel has been making stop-action movies with his cheeses action figures for ages!
Posted by: Bob | July 16, 2007 2:41 PM
One2Believe is the company that dumped a couple thousand talking Jesus dolls on the Toys for Tots campaign last November and then made a big deal when T4T tried to respectfully decline the "donation."
link
They also make talking Moses, David, Esther, Mary, Noah, Peter and Paul dolls.
Posted by: twincats | July 16, 2007 3:08 PM
Sorry, the link thingy didn't work. An article can be found here:
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8LD0V300&show_article=1
Posted by: twincats | July 16, 2007 3:10 PM
I'm saving my pennies for the Darwin doll.
http://store.fieldmuseum.org/itemdetail.cfm?nItemid=1507&viewby=category&ncategoryID=15&subview=51
Posted by: CalGeorge | July 16, 2007 3:25 PM
Hehe, I checked out the "Allah" link. ...funny how there is no god ;)
Posted by: Scotty B | July 16, 2007 3:48 PM
The Blasphemy - it burns!!
No...wait...it's just a cramp.
Carry on!
Posted by: NC Paul | July 16, 2007 4:27 PM
I'm not really interested unless there's a "Man vs. Nature" element to the toy; at least the Daniel set includes a toy lion.
Please tell me there's a Jonah set...please please please.
The Lot set: salt not included.
Posted by: Barn Owl | July 16, 2007 5:58 PM
How can I boycott a place I have for many years and for many good reasons steadfastly avoided? These bums export jobs, bring in truly shitty goods, fund backward politicians and promote sprawl and depressed wages.
So I often hear. There seems to be considerable evidence that Wal-Mart is a net good, however. See, for example, Wal-Mart: A Progressive Success Story. (pdf file)
Posted by: Jason | July 16, 2007 6:44 PM
forsen: children mutilating doll research funding. Oh, you are silly. We have a research council dedicated to funding that kind of thing in the UK. World-respected physics and chemistry departments here are closing and media studies and their spawn are burgeoning.
Posted by: lunartalksresurrection | July 16, 2007 6:46 PM
Well, the scary thing is there is an entire thread devoted to religious action figures on another message board I read. Some of the figures are funny, some not so much.
Of course there were the obligatory "I'm offended" posts. But a lot of people found some really great (CHEESY!) toys.
http://twopeasinabucket.kaboose.com/mb.asp?cmd=display&thread_id=1576841
Posted by: Heather | July 16, 2007 7:11 PM
Why don't they make an Baldy Elisha and the She Bears playset? Complete with 42 tiny children that can be torn in two?
Or a Job action figure - when you squeeze his belly, pus comes out of hundreds of tiny sores.
Posted by: Spooky | July 16, 2007 7:34 PM
I'm saving my pennies for the Darwin doll.
That wouldn't be called a doll, I believe they call the transformers.
Posted by: The Physicist | July 16, 2007 7:39 PM
There is an obvious question here that I haven't seen addressed: Where is the Satan action figure?
What is a superhero without a villain? Luke without Darth Vader is just a whiny kid with a weird sister fixation.
Are they afraid that children would like playing with Satan more than Jesus? Come on, admit it. It was always more fun playing as the bad guy.
If you want a real superhero figure, I suggest you get yourself a James "Amazing" Randi doll.
http://www.randi.org/shopping/index.html#merch
OEJ
Posted by: One Eyed Jack | July 16, 2007 7:56 PM
"They also make talking Moses, David, Esther, Mary, Noah, Peter and Paul dolls."
But, dammit, no Judith and Holofernes figures. These damn fundies just don't have proper respect for the Apocrypha.
Posted by: Coragyps | July 16, 2007 8:34 PM
Making graven images is bad, but making molded plastic images is good.
I'm not quite clear on this. I'll check out an expert:
Nothing in there about plastic images. No wonder people twist themselves all in a knot trying to use the ancient texts as guides for modern problems.
Posted by: Mike Haubrich | July 16, 2007 9:49 PM
What? No Lot and the salty wife and horny-daughters-whose-fault-it-all-was playset? Kids? What do you think?
Posted by: Breakerslion | July 16, 2007 10:49 PM
"420 Wal-mart stores nationwide will begin carrying the faith-based toys that include Jesus and Samson action figures."
OK, what's the significance behind the number of stores that will be carrying these toys? Is it some secret 420 friendly code?
Just kidding but it caught my eye and I thought it was funny/odd.
Posted by: Ruth | July 17, 2007 3:03 AM
>so it's devaluing Jesus.
Wal-martketeers prefer the term "rollback".
[insert your choice of:
-ironic statement on godless chinese sweatshop workers making the dolls,
-rhetoric question asking when the golden calf accessory will be available, or
-bible verse on Jesus whipping the merchants out of the temple.]
Posted by: bartkid | July 17, 2007 2:13 PM
Sheesh. One more reason to not shop at Walmart.
Posted by: PennyBright | July 17, 2007 3:50 PM
Jesus looks out for you. At least in Utah.
http://www.roadtripamerica.com/signs/video.htm
Or maybe you need some soul food.
http://www.roadtripamerica.com/signs/pancakes.htm
But a dodgy restaurant here.
http://www.roadtripamerica.com/signs/liver.htm
Posted by: bernarda | July 17, 2007 4:15 PM
But how would Jesus fare against the Darwin finger puppet? I think the Darwin would kick his ass.
Posted by: Carlie | July 18, 2007 5:14 PM
Jesus action figures? Oh, to be a proctologist!
Posted by: vjack | July 20, 2007 8:39 AM