Pharyngula

Poor Neal

Neal gets no respect. He’s been trying and trying to comment over at the Panda’s Thumb, and his rants keep getting shut down. Well, I’m going to let one of his comments through right here — as far as I’m concerned, they’re a kind of twisted, insane poetry. You can almost picture his brain arcing and shorting and fizzing away, and you can virtually see the instant the circuit breaker blows.

It is just very difficult for me to follow the socially “hotpoint”
controversies that tend to “crop up” in this forum in a genuine discussion
of life system “origins” and what some might refer to as “darwanistically
supported resolutions to the vast array of (just and ONLY JUST) humanly
perceivable questions regarding the “chemicals to living ecosystems” splay
of assertions that have historically (within the past decade or two) been
(for understandable reasons up and to about 1959) been accepted as
legitimate claims regarding how in the mighty unknown realm (you 20 to 90
and beyond if you are there, year old lovers of your masturbatorial
philosphy) you could actually BELIEVE IN THESE RIDICULOUSLY OVERSTATED
CLAIMS (UNDISCIPLINED IMAGINATIONS) TAKING INTO CONSIDERATION THE STUPIDLY
INTERPRETED
RESULTS OF POINTED INVESTIGATIONS THAT WERE SET UP FOR THE PURPOSE OF
DEMOSTRATING THE VASTLY FAR FRICKING FETCHED PHILOSOPHICAL PREFERENCES OF
THE “EXPERT” OVER THE PUBLIC, SELF PROCLAIMED MASTERS OF SCIENTIFIC
KNOWLEDGE. You should be ashamed of yourselves for you RIDICULOUSLY
UNSCIENTIFIC ASSERTIONS YOU HAVE MADE IN THE NAME OF “REAL SCIENCE.” YOU
AND YOUR MACRO-EVLOLUTIONARY COMPATRIOTS GIVE “REAL” SCIENCE A REAL BAD
NAME. (YOU JACK-ASSES.)

GO AHEAD MOST ELITE MASTERS OF TRUTH (EDITORS OF THIS SELFISHLY CONSTRAINED
FORUM) EDIT ME OUT AGAIN AS YOU HAVE SO MANY TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!! CONTINUE TO
BE A “FLAGSHIP” IN THE PROTECTION OF THE “TRIBES OF ASSERTIVE INFLUENCE”
FOR THE TOTALLY SCIENTIFICALLY UNSUBSTANTIATED ASSERTIONS FROM THE “WE
“WUV” (IN BABY TALK) TO BE ABLE TO UNDER “SCIENTIFIC” GUISE, ASSERT OUR
STUPID PET SPECULATIONS DOWN THE THROAT OF THE “IGNORANT” PUBLIC. AND IF WE
CAN DO THAT, IT MUST PROVE THAT WE ARE CORRECT IN OUR ASSERTIONS AND CAN
LIVE COMFORTABLY, KNOWING THAT THE IGNORANT PUBLIC WILL CONTINUE TO FUND
OUR BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

EDITORS, OUT OF SOME SORT OF SENSE OF “FAIRNESS” LET THIS POST EXIST FOR
MAYBE A FEW HOURS ANYWAY. YOU ARE SO FOND OF “STRIPPING” YOUR CONTROLLED
ENVIRONMENT OF ALMOST ANYTHING I SAY UNLESS YOUR BELIEVE IT CONTRIBUTES TO
YOUR SELF SERVING CAUSES.

<Sigh> I’ll never be able to write like that, not unless I take up a meth-and-steroid cocktail habit.

Comments

  1. #1 Stanton
    September 28, 2007

    Does this guy pound his head against the wall to experience an endorphin rush?

  2. #2 Paul T.
    September 28, 2007

    Oh, man. He can really bring on the crazy.

  3. #3 Brandon
    September 28, 2007

    I love how he takes a short break from the all caps in the middle of his rant. I can just picture him taking a breath and talking real soft there before launching back into the insanity. Priceless.

  4. #4 Bill Snedden
    September 28, 2007

    Good (non-existent) Lord! He’s channeling William Burroughs!!

  5. #5 Dwimr
    September 28, 2007

    That’s the first time I’ve seen the word “Darwinistically”. What exactly does it mean?

    I like how he thinks he makes a point, then throw in “you jackasses” at the end, the coup de grace.

  6. #6 MAJeff
    September 28, 2007

    It’s gonna take more than meth to get you to write like that. Add a halucinogen to the mix and stay up for three days. Then maybe the sleep deprivation, lack of food, and hallucinations will you’ll get there.

  7. #7 cleek
    September 28, 2007

    Let’s not be too hard on him. It’s really too much to expect someone who has failed to grasp even rudimentary English composition to understand biology and the philosophy of science. If the basic rules about sentence construction and the proper use of quotation marks escape him, it’s just silly of us to expect him to know anything about the way science works.

  8. #8 AJ Milne
    September 28, 2007

    Umm… wow. Even before his fuses blew entirely, I had become very nearly lost in the jungle of parenthetical asides, subordinations and so forth. And considering the way I do like to build those up myself, on occasion, that’s really sayin’ something.

    I am, therefore, hereby (ever so modestly) proposing a new metric for mental health: if your sentence structure routinely becomes more baroque than does mine, seek professional help. You’re probably just A SHORT STEP AWAY FROM FREAKING OUT ENTIRELY AND WRITING IN ALL CA…

    Oh. Erm. My apologies. Caps lock got stuck down. I mean to say: ‘you’re probably just a short step away from &c.’…

    Erm. Anyway. As you were.

  9. #9 Ian B Gibson
    September 28, 2007

    Ow! My ears! I’m not supposed to get rants in them!

  10. #10 JMark
    September 28, 2007

    He’s like one of those people that comments on youtube videos, except he just keeps going long after he starts foaming at the mouth and falls to the floor. Most of them stop after that…

    (Also: http://xkcd.com/202/)

  11. #11 MAJeff
    September 28, 2007

    I am, therefore, hereby (ever so modestly) proposing a new metric for mental health: if your sentence structure routinely becomes more baroque than does mine, seek professional help

    Aha! You’ve given us the answer. Neal’s posts are fugues.

  12. #12 factician
    September 28, 2007

    Thems some long sentences…

  13. #13 laserboy
    September 28, 2007

    If we had his snail mail address, do you think he might accept a few dozen fullstops for use in his next post?

  14. #14 hoary puccoon
    September 28, 2007

    Actually, I find Neal intelligent, well-informed, and moderate in his views– as creationists go, of course.

  15. #15 remy
    September 28, 2007

    If a rant begins with,

    “It is just very difficult for me to follow…”

    it probably will be.

  16. #16 AJ Milne
    September 28, 2007

    Aha! You’ve given us the answer. Neal’s posts are fugues.

    Damn. Hey, now that you mention it…

    Fugue. Fugue state. What’s the connection?

  17. #17 Julian
    September 28, 2007

    Someone should sit this guy down and explain to him that, just because religious wingnuts like himself make stuff up to win over converts, that doesn’t mean everyone else does.

  18. #18 Caledonian
    September 28, 2007

    I think we need to take a vote on the Timecube rating of these comments.

    I estimate approximately 0.7 Timecubes. Thoughts?

  19. #19 Alex
    September 28, 2007

    Ouch! My glasses just melted. Now I know why hearing aids have volume controls.

  20. #20 thalarctos
    September 28, 2007

    I estimate approximately 0.7 Timecubes. Thoughts?

    I would agree–0.7 and rising.

  21. #21 Brigit
    September 28, 2007

    This looks like a script for a “drunken townie” role:

    You should be ashamed of yourselves for you RIDICULOUSLY UNSCIENTIFIC ASSERTIONS YOU HAVE MADE IN THE NAME OF “REAL SCIENCE.” YOU AND YOUR MACRO-EVLOLUTIONARY COMPATRIOTS GIVE “REAL” SCIENCE A REAL BAD NAME. (YOU JACK-ASSES.)

    (emphasis mine) lol.
    After that, he tries to punch the “compatriot”- who moves quickly to the side looking bewildered and slightly amused- looses his balance, and crashes on top of the poker table.

  22. #22 viggen
    September 28, 2007

    So if you have nothing to say, the lesson here is to scream like a petulant child and denigrate anything and everything you don’t understand so that your point is the only valid point? It really does make the guy come across as hopelessly, willfully ignorant.

  23. #23 g
    September 28, 2007

    A J Milne #16: The connection is the idea of flight, fleeing, running away. I think the idea is that the fugue subject turns up in one voice and then runs away to make way for its appearance in the next, or something. (Whereas in a “fugue state”, you’re fleeing from reality.)

  24. #24 Rey Fox
    September 28, 2007

    “Fricking”? I’m disappointed.

  25. #25 gingerbaker
    September 28, 2007

    Imagine how good a show The Weakest Link could have been, if only Neil was moderator. πŸ˜€

  26. #26 Acleron
    September 28, 2007

    Sad

  27. #27 zer0
    September 28, 2007

    This post reminded me of another great writer of our time, and his response to those that rear their ugly caps lock. Oh Maddox, if only you used the metric system?

  28. #28 Christian Burnham
    September 28, 2007

    Superb! He must publish! At once!

  29. #29 cyborgsuzy
    September 28, 2007

    ‘Tribes of Assertive Influence’ would be a pretty hawt name for a band.

  30. #30 Jon Eccles
    September 28, 2007

    I was disappointed that he only used one font. And at no point did he accidentally slip into superscript.

  31. #31 AJ Milne
    September 28, 2007

    …at no point did he accidentally slip into superscript.

    Needs more garish colour changes, too.

    But still, I’m down with 0.7 TimeCubes. Sure, it’s a subjective thing. But when you can almost feel the spittle flying, it’s a win.

    (Re the etymology of fugue, thanks, that’s good to know.)

  32. #32 John Danley
    September 28, 2007

    Man, he’s starting to sound like Timothy Treadwell.

    http://thestubborncurmudgeon.blogspot.com

  33. #33 sailor
    September 28, 2007

    It does seem that one should be able to design a program to automatically reject the use of caps for more than one paragraph and the trippling (or more) of exclamation marks. As for the spelling, well lots of us cannot spell and certainly not when typing at 300 words a minute with the keys bouncing out of the keyboard.

  34. #34 waldteufel
    September 28, 2007

    It almost reads like James Joyce’s “Ulysses”, if you’re drunk enough.

  35. #35 Pierce R. Butler
    September 28, 2007

    Er, this wouldn’t happen to be Georgia gubernatorial candidate Neal Horsley (scroll down), would it?

  36. #36 Frank Anderson
    September 28, 2007

    And I thought I use a lot of parentheses and quotation marks in my writing. I mean, I do use many (but not that many) parentheses (they are, after all, very useful [and rather attractive “to boot”] punctuation marks), but this guy “takes the cake”, as they (and as far as who “they” are, exactly, I remain [“same as it ever was”] “in the dark”) say…

  37. #37 SeanH
    September 28, 2007

    Heh. Wandering run-on sentences, random parentheticals, and all-caps shouting. It’s a crazy comment hat trick.

  38. #38 raven
    September 28, 2007

    Neal is just an interesting bug in the road. As such he is of some minor interest like a funny looking hexapod.

    Need a diagnosis here. Diagnosing mental illness is an art occasionally because patients don’t always fit in neat categories. Many times they seem to have a little of this one, a little of that one, and it could be atypical whatever.

    I’m voting for schizophrenia.

    1. He is showing irrational, illogical thought processes. Check.

    2. Cognitive defects. It never occurs to him to make a point and then support it with data or citations or whatever. “You Jackass” is not a legitimate cite from an authority. Check.

    3. He seems to have a lot of endogenous, free floating hostility. For me this is telling for SZ among the psychotics. Check.

    Really need a good patient history, onset of symptoms, drug use, etc. to do this right. He could just be a deteriorated meth user. But, it is remarkable how much of people’s personalities and mental problems show through in online postings. IMO, it is because in an anonymous forum, patients, posters are not self censoring themselves. It is coming straight from the brain.

    Anyone else who has some training, medical or not, feel free to come up with your own diagnosis. Who knows, the medications can work quite well and maybe if Neal takes his, life will go a lot easier for him.

  39. #39 Calladus
    September 28, 2007

    When I read, I see quotations marks in writing as having the same importance as parenthesis in programming.

    Neil’s quotation marks are either not in parity, or they drill down to too many sub-levels to continue to be readable.

    One other observation – White space is a writer’s friend! Not something to be blotted off of the page with a swarming plague of text.

  40. #40 hoary puccoon
    September 28, 2007

    Rey Fox #24–
    Don’t be disappointed by the ‘fricking.’ Neal’s original posts on Panda’s thumb kept getting bumped for obscenitry. The example above dates from after he toned his language down.

  41. #41 dorid
    September 28, 2007

    ooohhh! now I want to make a T-shirt that says “MOST ELITE MASTER OF TRUTH” for the days I’m not wearing the one that says “I may be a monkey, but you’re just dirt!”

  42. #42 Alison
    September 28, 2007

    Oh, dear. His frustration at not being taken seriously is clearly causing continued mental deterioration. It reminds me of a joke, let me switch it around a bit so it’s germane. . .

    Q: How do you keep a grammarian “IN SUSPENSE

  43. #43 Bozman
    September 28, 2007

    5 Parenthetical statements in a 156 word run on sentence! Somebody call Guinness, I think we have some potential record breakers here. Even if somebody somehow produced a more insane sentence, we definitely have a case for “most heroin injected into eyeball” or “World’s least successful lobotomy patient”.

    On a side note, my original thought was to create a parody of that sentence, but I was afraid that I would be infected by crazy if I tried. Also, I don’t think I could produce enough madness to create anything that wouldn’t pale in comparison to the real thing.

    -Boz

  44. #44 Fernando Magyar
    September 28, 2007

    “Fugue. Fugue state. What’s the connection?”

    Anteater: “…ant colonies are no different from brains in many respects.”

    Anteater to Achilles in Douglas Hofstadter’s “Prelude…Ant Fugue”

    I think he seriously needs something with a very long sticky tongue to clean out the viral memes from his mind.

    Which brings me to Daniel Dennet:

    http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/116

    Well, maybe it is a rather tenous connection but somehow when I read his words I just kept thinking of someone in the throes of a feverish delirium fighting a losing battle with a dangerous pathogen.

    I don’t think the poor guy can be saved.

  45. #45 SeanH
    September 28, 2007

    I can’t quit reading it. You’re right about the insane poetry, PZ, the uncapitalized beginning in particular.

    (you 20 to 90 and beyond if you are there, year old lovers of your masturbatorial philosphy)

    It’s just fantastic. I highly recommend copying it into Word and adding carriage returns after every phrase or two.

  46. #46 Kseniya
    September 28, 2007

    LOL @ his rants being fugues, but (seriously) no way is Neal in a fugue state

    He may have blown a fuse but, if you ask me, he just wedged a penny in there and kept right on going. Expect total meltdown (and a blazing electrical fire behind the walls) any time now.

  47. #47 Hairy Doctor Professor
    September 28, 2007

    I’m down with 0.7 TimeCubes.

    I have to confess that I was not familiar with the concept of TimeCubes. From earlier posts I thought it might be some thinly veiled reference to Dr. Who, for which I have never been able to force myself to watch an episode all the way through, in any of its many incarnations. (This in and of itself may cause horror and revulsion among many participants here. I’m OK with it as a character flaw.)

    I read the Wikipedia article on TimeCube, and was much enlightened informed amused, but not so much as to visit the actual home site. I guess this puts me on the guy’s hit list automatically.

    I was wondering, however, what the accepted range of values for TimeCube comparisons would be? From the context of the posts herein I infer that 0.0 TimeCubes would describe a perfectly rational, non-spittle-spewing human that you would happily invite to dinner, and 1.0 TimeCubes is isomorphic to the originator of the “concept” in the first place. Is it possible to have values greater than +1.0 for even more extreme nut-jobs (if possible), and is it meaningful to have values less than 0.0?

  48. #48 Dunc
    September 28, 2007

    It’s gonna take more than meth to get you to write like that. Add a halucinogen to the mix and stay up for three days. Then maybe the sleep deprivation, lack of food, and hallucinations will you’ll get there.

    I’ve seen injecting amphetamine users make more sense than that after being up for over a week.

    I suspect that the rating of 0.7 Timecubes is a little on the low side, but I’d need a larger sample to be sure – and I don’t think I could cope.

  49. #49 ElJay
    September 28, 2007

    To me, he says it all in the first line: “It is just very difficult for me to follow …”.
    He assumes that anything he is incapable of understanding must be wrong. Godditit is for those who cannot understand.

  50. #50 Brownian
    September 28, 2007

    I’m confused. Is this a student essay on neurobiology?

    D-

    Okay, maybe I’ll bump that up to a D for his use of tmesis.

  51. #51 David Marjanovi?
    September 28, 2007

    I love how he takes a short break from the all caps in the middle of his rant. I can just picture him taking a breath and talking real soft there before launching back into the insanity. Priceless.

    Naaah. That’s where he noticed he had accidentally switched on Caps Lock and switched it off. Shortly afterwards, he happened to hit Caps Lock again — it’s a typo, folks. The insanity consists in overlooking this incredibly obvious typo.

    Caledonian, is the Timecube scale linear or logarithmic? Is someone with 0.7 Tc ten times as insane as someone with 0.6 Tc?

  52. #52 David Marjanovi?
    September 28, 2007

    I love how he takes a short break from the all caps in the middle of his rant. I can just picture him taking a breath and talking real soft there before launching back into the insanity. Priceless.

    Naaah. That’s where he noticed he had accidentally switched on Caps Lock and switched it off. Shortly afterwards, he happened to hit Caps Lock again — it’s a typo, folks. The insanity consists in overlooking this incredibly obvious typo.

    Caledonian, is the Timecube scale linear or logarithmic? Is someone with 0.7 Tc ten times as insane as someone with 0.6 Tc?

  53. #53 Sven DiMilo
    September 28, 2007

    It would be too much to ask that the Comic Sans was used in the original…pretty funny touch though.

  54. #54 Spirula
    September 28, 2007

    PZ,

    Could you change different portions of the script into various colors? I think the “written-in-crayon” effect would be so appropriate.

  55. #55 Hank Roberts
    September 28, 2007

    People post this stuff in blog comments because the Bayesian filters block them from emailing it to the world nowadays.

    “Punctuation. We used both frequency counts of the
    various punctuation symbols in the text, and special
    features indicating usage of excessive punctuation (this
    has been shown to be effective for certain tasks of text
    classification, e.g., [15]).”
    http://www.blogpulse.com/www2006-workshop/papers/wwe2006-blogcomments.pdf

  56. #56 MJ Memphis
    September 28, 2007

    “Fugue. Fugue state. What’s the connection?”

    That’s easy. Neal is a graduate of Fugue State U., where he took a BA with honors in Creationist Propaganda while minoring in CREATIONIST GRAMMAR. He is currently in Fugue State’s MA program; I understand the working title of his thesis is “Pygmies and Dwarves: Extremes of Human Variation, or Fundamental Obstacle to Darwinistic Philosophy?”

  57. #57 Dunc
    September 28, 2007

    Is it possible to have values greater than +1.0 for even more extreme nut-jobs (if possible)

    I suppose it may be theoretically possible, but I pray to every imagined deity in the history of mankind that it’s not.

    You really have to have the true TimeCube experience at least once in your life. No mere description can convey the insanity.

  58. #58 Hank Fox
    September 28, 2007

    …the jungle of parenthetical asides, subordinations and so forth …

    I’m imagining him as an extreme perfectionist who also suffers from severe ADD.

    He has to note and pursue EVERY parenthetical thought that enters his mind. But he also has to include them in his writing, so that prospective readers will know PRECISELY what he’s thinking.

    Metaphorically, I see the two forces — perfectionism and ADD — as a large passenger ship and a huge iceberg, and screaming rants like this probably explode from his mind every time the two collide.

  59. #59 AJ Milne
    September 28, 2007

    Is it possible to have values greater than +1.0 for even more extreme nut-jobs (if possible)

    Well, personally, I feel it’s theoretically possible. But consider the reference against which the scale is built.

    To achieve even values of 0.9 to 1.0, I’d say, there has to be a significant level of community recognition. Like, say, a detailed and well-maintained article on your wingnuttery on Wikipedia with multiple contributors (pumping up the significance of your mania by writing your own reference is, I’m afraid, a little too common in this particular field of achievement, so doesn’t really count for much), a high level of familiarity with your work among net regulars… And, of course, an invite to speak at MIT.

    Oh. And the garish colours. Those are important, of course, too.

  60. #60 Hank Fox
    September 28, 2007

    John Danley: Man, he’s starting to sound like Timothy Treadwell.

    Ahem. I say again: Everything most of us think we know about Tim Treadwell we learned from a movie that was a blatant sensationalistic hit piece, deliberately crafted to make Treadwell look as insane as possible, and grizzlies as scary and deadly as possible.

    Going again with an iceberg metaphor, a good 9/10ths of the story never got seen by the general public.

    (And since Treadwell now appears to be an absolute lunatic, probably never will.)

  61. #61 John Phillips
    September 28, 2007

    Ironically, not only is comic sans a wholly appropriate font for such wingnuts, it is the only font that allows me to read Neal’s missives all the way through without getting a headache. Any other font is just too painful to read him from beginning to end.

  62. #62 Gelf
    September 28, 2007

    Dear Neal,

    I don’t know you well enough to talk about my masturbatory philosophy. Thanks for understanding.

    For the rest of you who talk about a single timecube scale, asking whether it’s geometric or logarithmic or whatnot, you need to realize the problem is that you are educated stupid. Four races, four days means four timecube scales in one 0.0-1.0 scale, and no braindead one-day god or teacher can prove otherwise. So there.

  63. #63 Deepsix
    September 28, 2007

    This is the type of person who shows up at work with an AK47 and a list of names.

  64. #64 PMH
    September 28, 2007

    Nothing beats a commenter running one of his last screeds through English to Korean babelfish and back:
    comment

  65. #65 Interrobang
    September 28, 2007

    I had been going to say something along the lines of “Now there’s a guy who needs to replace the ground-up dexies in his sugar bowl with actual sugar,” but I see people beat me to it. He does rather sound like someone in the terminal stages of stimulant psychosis, though, does he not?

    (Personally, I would rather deal with a narcotics addict — I have actual experience with that, and while it’s highly unpleasant, they do sleep a lot and you can ignore them utterly about 60% of the time. I am not giving up my internet connection simply so I can ignore the raving loonies.)

  66. #66 Dan
    September 28, 2007

    Does this guy pound his head against the wall to experience an endorphin rush?

    Posted by: Stanton

    *golf-clap* Best comment ever. When I saw this up there at #1, I knew this was going to be a fun thread.

    Anyway, I’m surprised that Neal didn’t choose to go “blue” with this latest rant. Seriously. Reading his screeds is like watching the wheel fall off a log-truck that’s careering downhill in front of a truck full of marbles with no brakes. Eventually, somewhere along the way, one of the drivers is going to say “Oh, fuck!”

  67. #67 Arnosium Upinarum
    September 28, 2007

    Whoa. He left out an exclamation mark.

  68. #68 Greta Christina
    September 28, 2007

    People, people, people.

    It’s not nice to make fun of the mentally ill. πŸ™‚

    When Nurse Ingrid gets back from her trip, I’ll ask her for her armchair diagnosis. It sounds a lot like pressured speech — is there such a thing as pressured typing?

  69. #69 Dahan
    September 28, 2007

    Hmmm, maybe we just don’t understand him because we’ve all gone blind to reason because of our masturbatory philosophy. Or he could just be one very sad, weird little man.

  70. #70 Taylor Hain
    September 28, 2007

    Someone should teach him about run-on sentences.

  71. #71 Kristin
    September 28, 2007

    My favorite bit is how he stops in the middle to inform us that he’s trying to write out “baby talk”. I don’t know what “we wuv” is supposed to mean though. If only he had explained what he was thinking…

  72. #72 fan
    September 28, 2007

    Andy Kaufman lives

  73. #73 Ferrous Patella
    September 28, 2007

    Warning: Pratchett-Underpants limit exceeded!!!!

  74. #74 Spaulding
    September 28, 2007

    Of “course” YOU COULD learn to “write” like “that” (YOU JACKASS)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    IT’S A VERY FUN (AND EASY) “STYLE” TO MIMIC!!!

  75. #75 Boosterz
    September 28, 2007

    Anybody want to lay odds on how many of these apply to him?

    1. 40ish year old virgin

    2. Still in his parents basement

    3. On medication but refuses to take it

    4. Only form of social interaction is via the computer. And it only lasts until he gets banned from whatever forum he is in

    5. Thinks he is a genius but scored lower then his shoe size on his high school ACT

    6. Believes the Colbert Report is real and doesn’t understand why people laugh at it

    7. Has seen Red Dawn over 70 times

    8. Not only thinks that Saddam had WMDs and ties to Al Qaeda but thinks George W personally caught Saddam and beat him up “Chuck Norris Style”(with slow motion and everything)

    9. Is a card carrying member of the Flat Earth Society

    10. Is waiting for the return of David Koresh

    11. Is waiting for the return of Haley’s Comet

    12. Thinks scientology sounds cool but can’t afford it

  76. #76 CJO
    September 28, 2007

    Submitted to John A. Davison and Larry Fafarman for peer review.

  77. #77 wildhalcyon
    September 28, 2007

    I think he’s missing a quotation mark.

    And a large portion of his sanity.

    As far as measuring rants in Timecubes, I don’t think its possible to measure these entities in simple scalar values. I’ll leave the proof as an exercise to the reader. A better solution would be to force all values in timecubes as simultaneously irrational, imaginary, and containing at least one singularity.

  78. #78 Rob
    September 28, 2007

    #46 Kseniya “He may have blown a fuse but, if you ask me, he just wedged a penny in there and kept right on going”

    I literally spat up on that one. :-))

    teh funniest comment thread EVR – thanx to everyone, ya’ll made my day.

  79. #79 Lepht
    September 28, 2007

    a fiver to the first person who submits this to their local creative writing society and gets it published. i’m starting the bets as i speak.

    L

  80. #80 Michael
    September 28, 2007

    It’s called a period Neal. Use it.

  81. #81 C.W
    September 28, 2007

    Sorry, but this isn’t funny. Making fun of IDiots is fun, but mocking the genuinely mentally ill is not.

    Find someone your own size to play with, PZ.

  82. #82 Todd
    September 28, 2007

    I didn’t even have to read that to know that it was a steaming pile of insanity just by counting the number of quoted words, parentheses, and cap locks. What is it with nut jobs and their insistence on putting at least one word in every sentence into quotes?

  83. #83 markbt73
    September 28, 2007

    Ow! My ears! I’m not supposed to get rants in them!

    Posted by: Ian B Gibson

    And I’m not supposed to get Diet Coke in my nose, but thanks for the laugh.

  84. #84 ElJay
    September 28, 2007

    at #63: agreed maybe this nut used babelfish and at some stage in his writing process. I tried babelfish and Japanese, it makes as little sense as the original:

    Me as for following to “hotpoint” socially fairness very as the decision which “the beginning which difficulty is harvested” something which is tend with “this forum of argument of the real thing of the life system” part “(exactly and exactly simply) in the human regarding darwanistically to immense arrangement of perceivable question historical ecosystem splay as the legitimate request having lived is supported whether mighty unknown kingdom (from 20 with 90 and the other side or regarding (understanding to with respect to past ten years or in inside) (approximately 1959 of 2 and Because of the reason which it is easy to do) if it is the dispute perhaps “the chemical” of the insistence which was accepted it shows, and so it is there, it is possible as for the sweetheart whose year is old the taste of the philosophy which is taken with FRICKING where) …….

    Yes that must be how he is generating this crap.

  85. #85 josh
    September 28, 2007

    I am inspired by the phrase “up and to about”. It’s some kind of super-preposition light years beyond my earth grammar.

  86. #86 Steverino
    September 28, 2007

    Dude!….Buy a comma or a period!…Holy Shit!

  87. #87 jen_m
    September 28, 2007

    When I’m driving in my car, and a man comes on the radio telling me more and more ’bout (UNDISCIPLINED IMAGINATIONS) TAKING INTO CONSIDERATION THE STUPIDLY INTERPRETED RESULTS OF POINTED INVESTIGATIONS
    I can’t get no, no, no, hey hey hey. That’s what I say. I can’t get no satisfaction.

    It’s not a fugue. It’s a rock and roll classic! (A little trouble with scansion, true, but Mick could make it work.)

  88. #88 Josh
    September 28, 2007

    GROAN, this is starting to get a little f-ing painful…almost as much as that caused by reading anything Neal writes.

  89. #89 Giant Rabbit
    September 28, 2007

    I have no idea what to conclude from this, apart from the following self-evident facts:

    (1) he’s really, really mad at one or several groups that he thinks you’re a member of;

    (2) he doesn’t know what quotation marks are for;

    (3) you haven’t enabled a spell-check function in the comments section.

    He needs to put foil in his hat. It’ll keep the rays out.

  90. #90 Kseniya
    September 28, 2007

    Executing an english ? porusski ? poangliski translation yielded… well, dreck, but one phrase jumped out at me in a very friendly way:

    (YOU DONKEYS.)

    I dunno. Perhaps CW (#80) is right. This Neal fellah is obviously not all-right. Schizophrenia (if that’s what it is) is no picnic. For anybody. (But for better or for worse, this bloghorse is out of the barn, across the field, and over the fence into the woods…)

  91. #91 Riker
    September 28, 2007

    Nothing witty that I can add that hasn’t already been provided deliciously above…

    except maybe:

    Here’s the crazy line.

    __________________________________

    Here’s Neal, phoning it in long distance.

  92. #92 Eisnel
    September 28, 2007

    When I read really long sentences, I tend to hold my breath until I find a period. I think it’s because I subvocalize when I read. My point is: I almost died reading that! I was seriously out of breath at the end.

    I think I can imagine what Neal was thinking a third of the way through typing that: “Did my pinky finger accidentally brush the caps lock button? Should I turn it off? No, I’m on a roll, that would break my concentration. I’m just gonna go with it!”

  93. #93 soteos
    September 28, 2007

    “far fricking fetched philosophical preferences”
    This man is a poetic genius!

  94. #94 Spooky
    September 28, 2007

    The Bad Boys of Punctuation at Penny Arcade:

    http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2003/07/07

  95. #95 Krystalline Apostate
    September 28, 2007

    darwanistically supported resolutions to the vast array

    I didn’t know that Darwan was a proponent of evolution.
    Learn somethin’ new every day (he said, chuckling softly & winking).

    far fricking fetched philosophical preferences

    I thought I had a problem w/alliteration, but this foam-flecked flaring fanatic fucktard flummoxes me from far left field.
    Heehee.

  96. #96 Doozer
    September 28, 2007

    Professor Irwin Corey would be so proud…

  97. #97 Rjaye
    September 28, 2007

    Oh, if we could only can this man’s madness, we’d have a hell of an energy drink! Only I’d be scared to sell it…

    He needs help, or his poor head will explode. Surely nothing is worth ranting ’til the veins burst out of one’s forehead…

  98. #98 mirror
    September 28, 2007

    The problem is not with the poster but with ALL OF YOU!

    You have failed to realize that he is not a “crazy human,” but rather a SLEEP DEPRIVED HUNGOVER ZEBRAFISH!

  99. #99 Greta Christina
    September 28, 2007

    “He needs to put foil in his hat. It’ll keep the rays out.”

    Actually, according to a recent issue of Paranoia magazine, the “tinfoil hat to keep the rays out” thing is itself a rumor spread by the evil conspiracy, as tinfoil actually acts to amplify the rays — not block them.

    I swear to dog. I am not making this up.

    Maybe that’s what happened to Neal. Maybe he believed the tinfoil hat story, and got his rays amplified. Poor devil.

  100. #100 Owlmirror
    September 28, 2007

    mirror wrote:

    a SLEEP DEPRIVED HUNGOVER ZEBRAFISH!

    (emphasis mine)

    Greta Christina wrote:

    Maybe he believed the tinfoil hat story, and got his rays amplified.

    (emphasis mine)

    And zebrafish are ray-finned fish.

    Coincidence?

    I think not!

  101. #101 Tom Buckner
    September 28, 2007

    In order to make it easier to understand, I translated a bit of it on Babelfish into Japanese and back to English. Here it is:

    “So many times! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Being to possess, truth (this the editor of the forum which is forced selfishly) EDIT for the second time master of my most elite goes to forward, “science” “of our bottom it can designate” as appearance, but “with certain WUV (baby story) from coercive influence for UNSUBSTANTIATED insistence” “” “there is a flagship entire do to continue of protection of the race and does not know scientifically” “insist our foolish pet presumptions under the throat of the public. If and we can do that, we are correct in our insistences, if it does not prove, becomes, does not know the public who our BULLSHIT! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! When you know that it continues to supply fund, to be able live easily,”

    See how much better that is? Notice how the word ‘becomes’ has been thrown into its own separate clause, to live or die without help from surrounding words. And the para ends with a comma now! We are invited to imagine what could follow.

    New rule (with apologies to Bill Maher): If your comments can get translated twice on Babelfish and seem to make more sense afterward, you just may be a crank.

  102. #102 melior
    September 28, 2007

    In my opinion, this latest logorrheic ejaculation still doesn’t top Neal’s greatest hit from the last time he forgot to take his clonopin:

    Look you prickhead, contact me at annonymousranter@hotmail.com and we can engage in meaningful discussion.

  103. #103 Larry
    September 28, 2007

    To quote from one of my favorite movies of all time, Mel Brooks’ “Blazing Saddles”: That, my friends, was some authentic, frontier gibberish.

  104. #104 lysa
    September 28, 2007

    I think I just blew a mental gasket READING that. What exactly is he supposed to be ranting about???? For the love of Russell’s Teapot, you almost need to wipe the rabid foam flecks off your screen after viewing that. I wonder if his face is permanently scarlet from living with that much anger.

  105. #105 Janine
    September 28, 2007

    Someone should make a dramatic reading of the post and place the video on You Tube. It would have to be more entertaining than “Expelled”.

  106. #106 AlanWCan
    September 29, 2007

    I’M IN UR BLOG POSTIN TEH CRAZEEZ ?

  107. #107 Arnosium Upinarum
    September 29, 2007

    C.W #80 says, “Sorry, but this isn’t funny. Making fun of IDiots is fun, but mocking the genuinely mentally ill is not.”

    It is funny that you yourself identify Neal as “genuinely mentally ill.” I’ll bet Neal wouldn’t like that mock.

    In any case, the point is that there isn’t a hair’s breadth of qualitative difference between Neal’s perspective (such as it is) and that of any other IDiot. You may gather the implications.

  108. #108 David Marjanovi?
    September 29, 2007

    The Bad Boys of Punctuation at Penny Arcade:

    Bah. There are an estimated 10 commas missing after their treatment.

  109. #109 David Marjanovi?
    September 29, 2007

    The Bad Boys of Punctuation at Penny Arcade:

    Bah. There are an estimated 10 commas missing after their treatment.

  110. #110 robhoofd
    September 29, 2007

    They should rename The Panda’s Thumb to MOST ELITE MASTERS OF TRUTH, just to mess with this guy.

  111. #111 Lars Dietz
    September 29, 2007

    I remember there was an eccentric self-proclaimed “lord” who once wrote a book without any punctuation. He added a page full of periods, commas etc. to be inserted in the text by readers.

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