…and this is a 
Previously, on the Ted Haggard show…
Category: Kooks
Posted on: September 7, 2007 2:42 PM, by PZ Myers
Poor Pastor Ted had been fired from the New Life Church, and was trying to get his life together. He put out a plea claiming poverty and soliciting donations to support his new calling, ministering to the poor at a halfway house. Your humble narrator was righteously suspicious.
In the latest turn of events, his former church tut-tuts reprovingly at his unseemly begging for handouts, and tells everyone about his $138,000 severance pay. The halfway house, aghast, says Mr Haggard sure isn't moving in with them, and there's no way he's going to be counseling the needy. What will happen to the wayward minister?
Haggard will not be doing any ministry and instead will be seeking secular employment…
Surely, hijinks will ensue!
Comments
Ted will look so adorable in a paper hat at Mickey D's!
Posted by: Gobear | September 7, 2007 2:44 PM
And the Understatement of the Year Award goes to....
Posted by: Brownian | September 7, 2007 2:58 PM
With connections already in the fast-growing fields of meth dealing and male prostitution, I think his next career move is obvious. Network, Ted. It's all about networking.
Posted by: Greg Peterson | September 7, 2007 2:59 PM
I like Roy Zimmermans take on Ted's situation
http://tinyurl.com/3xoeu7
Posted by: MartinC | September 7, 2007 3:05 PM
Now that he is "cured" and 100% totally not gay I can imagine what kind of rent he could command fulfilling some closeted horny politician's fantasies.
Posted by: dusty59 | September 7, 2007 3:15 PM
Well, I think ol Ted maybe living life by the "Gotta give head to get ahead" motto. We'll know if, he's a fry cook or late shift mgr.
Posted by: firemancarl | September 7, 2007 3:24 PM
It's just so noble of him to offer to spend time on his knees in service of those needy men.
Posted by: Warren | September 7, 2007 3:27 PM
Based on what seems to be a necessary job qualification and past performance, I would say that you can all you nattering nabobs of negativity can say good-bye to Mr. Haggard, and give a warm and hearty SciBlog Hello to Senator Haggard. (R)
Posted by: J-Dog | September 7, 2007 3:28 PM
Posted by: Hans | September 7, 2007 3:29 PM
Hans:
The difference is semantic.
Posted by: Warren | September 7, 2007 3:33 PM
Curiously enough, when my eyes leaped ahead of my brain for a moment, I misread "ministering to the poor at a halfway house" as "misleading the poor...." How apropos.
Posted by: Randy Owens | September 7, 2007 3:33 PM
"Secular" employment? So, by fundies' definition of the word, does that mean he'll look for an evil, immoral job?
Posted by: Andrés | September 7, 2007 3:35 PM
I don't know if you're checking the comments here PZ, but one of Fark.com's more notorious creationists is quoting you here:
http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=3053145
Posted by: Murkanen | September 7, 2007 3:44 PM
I'm sure it's been said a hundred times now, but it bears repeating: his reputation's looking a little haggard now, isn't it?
Posted by: Leon | September 7, 2007 3:48 PM
I would have have thought the Rev. Haggard (who is, lest we forget, completely heterosexual) would have had enough of high jinks for now.
Posted by: lunartalks | September 7, 2007 3:54 PM
I am NOT gay. Who told you I was gay?
Not gay.
I guess he'll be servicing the public sector rather than the private now.
(I am NOT GAY.)
Posted by: Samuel | September 7, 2007 4:11 PM
"... give a warm and hearty SciBlog Hello to Senator Haggard. (R)"
Amen, brother. Let's all join in the War on Homosexuality and War on Drugs (particularly crystal methamphetamine - hell, yeah!). One more surge and we'll have this problem licked.
Ahem.
Posted by: MonoApe | September 7, 2007 4:15 PM
Who gives a sh*t if Haggard is gay. From the way everyone's going on about it, one might think the blog was gay-bashing. So let's be clear: he's a hypocrite
Posted by: Marcus Ranum | September 7, 2007 4:23 PM
Marcus -Once you label him a Republican Senator, the "hypocrisy" is a given.
Posted by: J-Dog | September 7, 2007 4:29 PM
And an ex-professional liar.
His lips are probably still registered as weapons in the war against the secular, though.
Posted by: JohnnieCanuck, FCD | September 7, 2007 4:29 PM
I think this would make an interesting Showtime crime drama. By day, Former Rev. Fred Shaggard works a shitty fast food job. And by night, he transforms into a meth-addled hooker turning tricks from the drivethru window. He solves crimes through the investigative tool of blowjobs.
Posted by: stogoe | September 7, 2007 4:37 PM
Whoa!! Those are an investigative tool? Gotta tell the wife that next time she's trying to work something out.
Posted by: Leon | September 7, 2007 4:42 PM
A friend of my dad once told me, "I woke up the other day with a hard-on and a craving for chicken...I thought the Lord was calling me to preach..."
Posted by: Jsn | September 7, 2007 4:58 PM
Marcus Ranum: "Who gives a sh*t if Haggard is gay. From the way everyone's going on about it, one might think the blog was gay-bashing"
Umm, Marcus, unless you're being ironic, I think you may be missing the irony ... no one here is gay bashing, we're hypocrisy-bashing: Ted-Haggard-Hypocrisy-Bashing.
P.S. You misspelt the fourth word - it's an 'i', not an '*'. Grown-up blog. :)
Posted by: MonoApe | September 7, 2007 5:33 PM
How can we be gay bashing?
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual.
Posted by: MartinC | September 7, 2007 5:39 PM
...will be seeking secular employment...
Secular huh?
Not suckular?
Go figure.
Posted by: jimmiraybob | September 7, 2007 5:45 PM
I don't buy that he is or ever was gay. Bisexual might be more accurate but i don't think it's even that. I think he was just a thrill-seeker.
Posted by: Brian W. | September 7, 2007 5:59 PM
I think Ted Haggard gives a shit if he's gay. More than anyone here, for certain.
Posted by: povertyrich | September 7, 2007 6:07 PM
Maybe the good Reverend Haggard can apply for a job at the Westboro Baptist Church. I'm sure their limitless christian charity would move them to help this completely heterosexual man.
Posted by: NeoGothic | September 7, 2007 6:08 PM
After all those years of relevant experience as a fundie evangelist, I'm sure that there's a job on a farm somewhere with Haggard's name on it. It involves a shovel, rubber boots, and the back end of a male cow.
Posted by: Mike O'Risal | September 7, 2007 6:09 PM
He started out pimping for the sky fairy, so why would you expect him ever to straighten out?
Posted by: Watt de Fawke | September 7, 2007 6:40 PM
Oh dear. PZ will be needing one of these then:
http://img25.exs.cx/img25/4409/repelbevets017ud.jpg
Posted by: has | September 7, 2007 7:23 PM
Poor guy, he's been banished to secular employment. He's already shown his skill at "white collar" crime, so perhaps his next gig will be as the CEO of a large corporation.
Posted by: Richard | September 7, 2007 7:39 PM
If that's thrill for him, he's not heterosexual.
Posted by: David Marjanović | September 7, 2007 7:58 PM
If that's thrill for him, he's not heterosexual.
Posted by: David Marjanović | September 7, 2007 7:58 PM
I guess I should have tried provoking the Internal Server Error once more. After all...
"What I tell you three times is true."
-- Lewis Carroll
Posted by: David Marjanović | September 7, 2007 8:02 PM
"The latest request by former evangelical leader Ted Haggard for financial support was deemed "inappropriate" and "unacceptable" by overseers of the megachurch he founded and was fired from."
Did I just see a sentence ending with a preposition IN PRINT? Oh, ChristianDaily.com. That explains it.
Posted by: k | September 7, 2007 8:14 PM
Speaking of haggard-looking ministers... another Jesus Camper has folded his tent and gone to that Big Jamboree in the Sky.
D. James Kennedy, of Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church, was another in a series of chest-thumping Dominionists determined on returning America to God... and gays to the closet... and wimmen to the kitchen. He established the Alliance Defense Fund in an attempt to counter the ACLU; "he thought the greatest threat to society was the fact that public education had left prayer out of the classroom and continued to teach evolution" (NYT).
And now he is, as we all shall be, worm food.
Posted by: RedMolly | September 7, 2007 8:46 PM
He'll suffer a series of devastating losses after investing in a shady anti-gay drugs with names like Homoprobe and Theodicil. After customers' testicles start shriveling and his bank account follows suit, he's forced to take a job at his local CVS, appropriately enough as a purveyor of less harmful drugs than he's used to dealing with. The court battle that arises from his refusal to fill prescriptions for 'morning-after' contraceptives goes all the way to SCOTUS and their decision forces druggists to fulfill any legitimate subscriptions they are able to. Ted finds himself penniless, jobless, and addicted to the euphoric, ego-inflating side effects of Homoprobe...
... when along comes Bob, who has a good laugh at the poor sod and eventually shelters him in his suburban home. Ted adopts Bob's secular humanist beliefs and eventually the two of them adopt a son and a daughter to raise as their own. Everyone lives happily ever after, except for the three users of Theodicil whose poor lung volume kept them from leading successful careers as counter-tenors in the music and theater industries.
Posted by: Mindbleach | September 7, 2007 11:11 PM
PZ - if that numbskull gets a tv show about his hilarious misadventures (maybe with some completely heterosexual man-on-man sexual situations) we'll have the non-existent god curse you for giving him, and hollywood, the idea. It'll be the new Three's Company, maybe.
Posted by: Badger3k | September 8, 2007 12:59 AM
Let's see.. $138K in severance pay should be enough for him to live for decades as a missionary in the Amazon.
If he needs some more money, he can always hit the pro-wrestling circuit (although they may be a tad homophobic).
-jcr
Posted by: John C. Randolph | September 8, 2007 3:08 AM
BTW, that house may be assessed at $700K, but what would anyone pay for a place like that? You'd have to open all the doors and windows for a year to let the smugness dissipate, and there's the danger that a cop on a visit might find a stash of Ted's meth and bust you.
-jcr
Posted by: John C. Randolph | September 8, 2007 3:51 AM
Haggard will not be doing any ministry and instead will be seeking secular employment...
The Lord's supposed to provide.
Right Ted?
Fuck you Ted.
Posted by: Graham | September 8, 2007 4:42 AM
Secular employment? He was an expert at selling air. I can see him at some used car lot on auto row.
If you wanna buy a car, go see Ted. Go see Ted. Go see Ted.
Posted by: Ken Mareld | September 8, 2007 9:34 AM
I'm calling "think tank" now. It's pretty much the perfect position for someone who's unelectable but still wants to have some access to the chambers of power.
Posted by: dzd | September 8, 2007 10:20 AM
Hijinks, indeed, and the jinkier the better!
I wonder what "secular employment" defrocked formerly-gay Evangelical whackjobs seek or are qualified to undertake. I can't think of any secular job that involves getting on TV and begging for money (other than public television pledge drives). Surely, that won't work.
Posted by: giant rabbit | September 8, 2007 11:28 AM
Come on. You can see plenty such sentences in Shakespeare and in the King James Bible. It's English, not German or Latin.
Posted by: David Marjanović | September 8, 2007 12:59 PM
This fall on The Hunting & Fishing Channel, Bass Pro Shops and Wal-mart present: Ted Haggard and Larry Craig, in "Absolutely Not Queer Eye for the Absolutely Not Queer Guy"!
Posted by: raindogzilla | September 8, 2007 1:48 PM
Posted by: Nes | September 8, 2007 5:09 PM
This fall on The Hunting & Fishing Channel, Bass Pro Shops and Wal-mart present: Ted Haggard and Larry Craig, in "Absolutely Not Queer Eye for the Absolutely Not Queer Guy"!
LOL.
I forsee lots of flannel costumes...
Posted by: Ichthyic | September 8, 2007 10:40 PM
I forsee a cushy lobbying job on K Street in Washington DC...he can probably hook up with Jeff Gannon/Guckert while he's at it...all preachers are hustlers & hucksters at heart, so he'll fit right in as a Beltway insider, no hay problema.
Posted by: JJR | September 9, 2007 3:23 PM