Octopus LIES

DO NOT TRUST THIS WEBSITE. It’s probably written by a chordate.


  1. #1 Brownian
    October 22, 2007

    I wouldn’t worry, PZ. If there’s any truth to the website at all, the author will be sleeping with the starfishes soon enough.

    I knew a guy that borrowed some money from the Octo-Mob once, a few years back. He was late making a payment and Bang! He’s still trying to wash the ink from his hair.

    I think he got off easy.

  2. #2 aiabx
    October 22, 2007

    Well of course *you* would say it’s lies:

    Some people are on their side, so they aren’t really on the human side at all. For example, octopus breeders; defenders of octopus’s rights; octopus shock troops who fight with octo-guns but are themselves humans rather than octopuses; and more.

    We know what kind of person would sit on an Octopus Throne.

  3. #3 Janine
    October 22, 2007

    I am afraid that the cutsy song, “Octopus’ Garden”, is the most hideous form of propaganda.

  4. #4 dWhisper
    October 22, 2007

    Well, given what it starts out with, if you get around to inventing an inverse Scuba Suit, the domination will be complete.

    “An animal only stopped by the lack of salt water in the normal American household.”

  5. #5 Jimmy
    October 22, 2007

    That is the greatest web site ever.

  6. #6 Warren
    October 22, 2007

    I sense a viral marketing campaign for a cheesy horror flick in the making.

    Speaking of which, you must see Black Sheep. I couldn’t stop giggling.

  7. #7 Kurt
    October 22, 2007

    I am SO moving to a dry cave. I’m scared…

  8. #8 doug l
    October 22, 2007

    I for one look forward to the benevolent reign of our future octo-radial overlord, Governor Kang.

  9. #9 jrb
    October 22, 2007

    This is not a criticism of this delightful website. It’s just an opportunity for an off color jocularity (please erase it if it offends):
    DeFUNation: A Cephalopod is creature so pleased with putting his foot up his ass, it has gone to his head.

  10. #10 Palau
    October 22, 2007

    That reminds me: when in doubt, Ask The Giant Squid.

  11. #11 afarensis
    October 22, 2007

    That is totally heinous. Octopi are our friends and help us find artifacts!

  12. #12 Stogoe
    October 22, 2007

    Warren, do you by any chance know when Black Sheep hits the pickled shores of Murkin-land? I’d love to go see it, but I’m drowning in a sea of Minnesota Nice.

  13. #13 MikeM
    October 22, 2007

    Okay, now I get to go home and explain to the family why I can’t stop giggling.

    How do you find this stuff?

  14. #14 Cuttlefish
    October 22, 2007

    Oh, the cephalopods have their Octopus Gods,
    With tentacles stronger than steel,
    Who have taken down ships with their powerful grips
    And made many a sailor a meal.

    They win wrestling matches with submarine hatches
    Like popping a tin of sardines
    Then it’s horrible cries, and tears in the eyes
    Of the witnessing Merchant Marines.

    Survivers are few, but they swear it is true–
    “The monster, it started to throttle us!”
    You can vividly note, from the scar on his throat
    He survived the attack on the Nautilus.

    These powerful deities loves spontaneity,
    Thus, are well-loved by their followers
    Who all serve as one, having octopus fun
    Whether tiny, or submarine-swallowers

    When I tell you (no lie) that the octopus eye
    Is superior even to Man’s
    It’s clear that this creature’s the centerpiece feature
    In a sinister deity’s plans

    They’ll take down a shark, like a walk in the park–
    You’ve seen it on YouTube, I know
    And to get to their goal they can squeeze through a hole,
    Up the drain, in your tub, to your toe!

    So guzzle your Folger’s–these octopus soldiers
    Are coming for you while you sleep!
    These eight-legged beauties will all do their duties;
    Invisible devils, they creep.

    So the next time you think, “could one hide in my sink?
    Or my bathtub, or even my toilet?”
    As a Cuttlefish, I would be seen as a spy
    If I told you (besides, that would spoil it).

    If you find an appeal in an octopus meal–
    Say, for sushi you’ve got a real itch–
    The cephalopods have their Octopus Gods
    And I’m telling you, payback’s a bitch.

  15. #15 Chris Anderson
    October 22, 2007


    Well done, Cuttlefish. Well done indeed.

    Have you got enough to put out a book yet?

  16. #16 Matt
    October 22, 2007

    Wow, Cuttlefish. I may set that to music….

  17. #17 suebella
    October 22, 2007

    so sorry PZ that this is off topic but i must cleanse my brain…..
    i have just seen here in uk (on fox) bill o’reilly ‘interview’ ben stein about his new movie that you have had reason to mention previously….!!!!
    but i HAD to switch off when he was just going to tear into rosie o’donnell….
    …..and then ellen degeneres………
    it was more than my wife and i could stomach so i have run here for some sanity, clear thinking and moral support!!!!
    thanx for listening and keep up the good work

  18. #18 Frank Anderson
    October 22, 2007

    Oh, that was fantastic. The “Octopus vs. Dolphin” page may have been the best.

    Who is Cuttlefish and where does (s)he/they find the time and resources to generate such brilliance so regularly? Kudos!

  19. #19 Jeb, FCD
    October 22, 2007

    Chordates RUL0RXS!

    Spineless beeyotches.


  20. #20 octopod
    October 22, 2007

    Cuttlefish is the best commenter ever.
    Bah. Chordates. Swift-boating, I call it.

  21. #21 sam
    October 23, 2007

    Who have taken down ships with their powerful grips
    And made many a sailor a meal.

    Well, that was nice of them. Sailoring is hungry work.

  22. #22 Cuttlefish
    October 23, 2007

    I am glad you’re an octopus fan
    It’s all part of our cephalo-plan
    We are excellent cooks
    And our favorite books
    Are the recipes “How to serve Man”

  23. #23 doonboggle
    October 23, 2007

    Cuttlefish, I find myself wondering if you are one of the regular commenters at Making Light. Nowhere else have I seen such quick and clever poetry-crafting on a blog. If you aren’t on Making Light, you probably would enjoy the community there.

    I’m mostly a lurker there too, but I don’t recognize your name — maybe you use a different one?

  24. #24 Laser Potato
    October 23, 2007

    That “urban” octopus looks an awful lot like a plastic toy.

  25. #25 Linkage
    October 23, 2007

    Who do you think would actually take this thing seriously?

  26. #26 Jon
    October 23, 2007

    But it’s still the case that octopuses are at least as bad as terrorists in most U.S. cities, and in many, twice as bad. (Twice as many limbs to use for evil purposes, for example.)

    My daughter assures me they won’t suck out my brain, but I figure that is some faith-based hogwash they teach in schools.

    What’s HomeSec’s plan for dealing with this threat?
    I pay plenty of taxes and I want to be protected from this threat!

  27. #27 DnorrisM
    October 23, 2007

    My father would horrify my sister with tales of a creature called the Ploptopus to such effect that she would not let her cheeks touch the toilet seat! (Seriously)

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