Pharyngula

You guys are so unlucky. You don’t get to regularly read the glory that is the awesome creationist Neal. I shall be generous and share a few of his latest rants with you.

Note: the language in these comments is about what you’d expect from a potty-mouthed 8-year-old. You have been warned.

Lets, for one moment, forget the social conventionally traditional, “this
is what the fuck we want to be the reality of the situation” type stupid
logic that myers, etc etc etc want to be able to continue to slam down the
throats of everybody around them. And to make themselves “FEOW SO
GOOOOOOOD” about their personal emotionally loaded biases against things
such as “religion” “unexplained phenomena” “just wanting to let everyone
know how brilliant I am” (to make up for “my feelings of inadequacy” (after
all the best looking girls in my class didn’t want to fuck me)

You STUPID ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!! YOU REALLY DON’T SEE HOW VASTLY INADEQUATE YOU
GODDAMN ASSERTIONS ARE (IN WHAT-EVER SO CALLED “SCIENTIFIC” PROGRAM) IN
EVEN COMING CLOSE TO EVEN BEGINNING TO START ANY SORT OF LEGITIMATE
DESCRIPTION OF THE FUCKING IMMENSE BIO-PHYSICAL-CHEMICAL ORGANIZATIONAL
PATHWAYS ARE REQUIRED TO EVEN REMOTELY (NO MATTER HOW FUCKING MUCH TIME IS
AVAILABLE) COME CLOSE TO EVEN STARTING SOME SORT OF RESEMBLANCE TO THE
BEGINNINGS OF A (WHAT THE FUCK?) LIVING CELL!!!! YOU PHONY BASTARDS!!!!!!!

Neal has an amazingly rapid ramp-up from normal text and punctuation to full-blown all-caps, underpants-on-the-head exclamation-points-in-a-volley mode, doesn’t he?

He took a break for a day and then he fired off this one. I don’t think he has entirely calmed down yet — he’s awfully close to the screaming threshold already and doesn’t last long before blowing up.

Let us attempt to define “smart” college students.

The a-priori (fox in the chicken house) representative would clearly
(without any kind of meaningful vastly required evidences) define “smart
college student” as one that BLINDLY ACCEPTS THE VASTLY UNSUBSTANTIATED
STATUS QUO, THE RESULTS OF THE ASSERTIONS OF THE PHILOSOPHICALLY DRIVEN
PSEUDO-SCIENTISTS (WHO HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SUCCESSFULLY “SLIDE” THEIR
UNSUBSTANTIATED WISHES AND PREFERRED BELIEF SYSTEMS INTO THE PUBLIC DOMAIN
BECAUSE OF THE VAST IGNORANCE OF THE (REALLY!!!) INNOCENT PUBLIC!!!!!!!!
YOU BASTARDS ARE NOTHING MORE THAN HITLER TYPE IDIOTS WHO HAVE HAD THE
(UNTIL NOW) UNMITIGATED POSITION TO CLAIM YOUR (WHAT SO MANY PEOPLE NOW CAN
SEE AS) PHILOSOPHICAL PREFERENCES REALLY HAVE ANY KIND OF MATERIAL
SUBSTANCES TO WHAT YOU WANT TO CLAIM AS FACT!!!!!! AND YOU WONDER WHY THE
MAJORITY OF THE (WHAT YOU WISH TO BE IGNORANT, BUT ARE REALLY MORE INFORMED
THAN YOU ASSHOLES!!!) PUBLIC CONTINUES TO CONTEST YOUR POSITIONS OF
PUBLICALLY FUNDED PRIVILEDGE!!!!!!!
GO HOME, GET ANOTHER JOB, FORGET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR “NATURE VS. RELIGION”
YOU BASTARDS!!!!!!!

Edit this out too just like you love to do when you want to preserve your
beloved position of nonsense!!!!!!!

This guy needs to get on YouTube. I really want to see a live performance. When Harlan Ellison coined the word “bugfuck,” he was giving us a glimpse into the future Neal.

Comments

#1 Bad Albert
October 29, 2007

Yes, please let us know when he’s on YouTube. I’ll make the popcorn.
#2 Spalanzani
October 29, 2007

Crazy Swearing Guy: “And to make themselves “FEOW SO GOOOOOOOD” about their personal emotionally loaded biases against things such as “religion” “unexplained phenomena” “just wanting to let everyone know how brilliant I am” (to make up for “my feelings of inadequacy” (after all the best looking girls in my class didn’t want to fuck me)”

Did anyone else notice that he accused PZ of having a loaded bias against “just wanting to let everyone know how brilliant I am”? Probably not what he intended to say.
#3 demallien
October 29, 2007

Can we nominte Neal for the next Molly? I mean, seriously, no-one on Pharyngula makes me laugh as much as this guy.

And count me in for encouraging him to do a YouTube version. Maybe we could send him a webcam?
#4 Lee Bowman
October 29, 2007

He needs to be a little more succinct in his remarks. Ad homs are OK if they are clever and original, and his plainly are not. But given his penchant for vitriol, he may eventually become a convert.

In the meantime, why not direct him to ERV. Mary will fry him, but it should help him polish his technique.
#5 woozy (dammit! I could see my own eyeballs if I *really* needed to!!!!)
October 29, 2007

Okay, let’s see if I get this. People who believe in evolution say they are smart. Neal knows evolution is false, so he wants to make sure everyone knows he isn’t smart. Because Neal knows evolution can’t be right he knows people who say they are smart and act smart are always wrong. Thus to convince people evolution is wrong he figures the dumber he is and the dumber he can convince people he is, the more convincing he will be. In conclussion, because Neal can demonstrate himself to be an incoherant, ranting, imbecile we must conclude he’s made an incrediably convincing case against evolution.

After all, in this country sincerity is more convincing than reality and anger is more sincere than intelligence…
#6 Steven Alleyn
October 29, 2007

I love the way he seems to forget what he’s trying to say mid-sentence. It’s funny to see the phrase structure break down as the meaning he’s trying to convey simply disappears… It makes me smile.
#7 Hank Fox
October 29, 2007

As you read my previous comment, imagine the word “Muslim” is replaced with the word “Islamic.” That’s closer to what I meant.
#8 soteos
October 29, 2007

I tried translating it into english:

“Stop defining reality the way you guys want it. You only do it to feel good about yourselves. You cannot explain the origins of the cell.

‘Smart’ college students are those who accept their professors’ beliefs and political ideologies. You are idiots to claim your philosophies are fact. This is why the public is against you. Stop attacking religion.”
#9 Goatboy
October 29, 2007

You know, if anyone ever does find compelling evidence that the use of multiple exclamation marks has a genetic basis.

I, for one, will start supporting eugenics.

What a fucking nosebleed.
#10 Snoof
October 29, 2007

You’d understand him, if you weren’t all EDUCATED STUPID!!!!111eleven.
#11 yeahchris
October 29, 2007

“The a-priori (fox in the chicken house) representative would clearly (without any kind of meaningful vastly required evidences) define “smart college student” as one that BLINDLY ACCEPTS THE VASTLY UNSUBSTANTIATED STATUS QUO, THE RESULTS OF THE ASSERTIONS OF THE PHILOSOPHICALLY DRIVEN PSEUDO-SCIENTISTS (WHO HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SUCCESSFULLY “SLIDE” THEIR UNSUBSTANTIATED WISHES AND PREFERRED BELIEF SYSTEMS INTO THE PUBLIC DOMAIN BECAUSE OF THE VAST IGNORANCE OF THE (REALLY!!!) INNOCENT PUBLIC!!!!!!!!”

Dear God Neal, you’re right! We’ve been living a lie by blindly accepting outrageously absurd notions about life’s origins from people who rely on bunk science for support-

Clearly the invisible man in the sky must have done it all!

We have to stop these mad scientists who obviously hate sky daddy before it’s too late! I mean, I wouldn’t want to see them, “SUCCESSFULLY ‘SLIDE’ THEIR UNSUBSTANTIATED WISHES AND PREFERRED BELIEF SYSTEMS INTO THE PUBLIC DOMAIN BECAUSE OF THE VAST IGNORANCE OF THE (REALLY!!!) INNOCENT PUBLIC,” so let’s keep good Christians in office, get those commandments into all courthouses, pronto! While we’re at it, let’s attempt to push through a constitutional amendment banning marriages of people who violate the antiquated and absurd edicts concerning human sexuality within our holy book. That’s a good idea, right? Right? Let’s do all that before these scummy, clearly uneducated scientists manage to burrow their way even further into our society. I mean, next they’ll try and get their activities tax-exempt status, and go about trying to pressure money out of the ignorant public! Honestly, so mean – damned scientists.
#12 Kuhlmancanadensis
October 29, 2007

Thanks for that. I needed to giggle this morning.
#13 Jud
October 29, 2007

Ah, there is treasure here. What, as a connoisseur of English and its unintentional variants, I wonder, exactly is “UNMITIGATED POSITION”?

This is some of the best food for thought I’ve had since the Alumni Association offered me a mantel clock the marketing company trumpeted as “richly dimensional” (more than the usual visible three?).
#14 Flex
October 29, 2007

woozy wrote, “In conclussion, because Neal can demonstrate himself to be an incoherant, ranting, imbecile we must conclude he’s made an incrediably convincing case against evolution.”

It must be the early morning woozy, but I first read that as, “In concussion,….” It somehow felt more appropriate.
#15 Ric
October 29, 2007

Ahahaha! Good job, PZ. I think you can now claim total victory. You have driven what is obviously a devout Christian into total profanity. Great success!
#16 demallien
October 29, 2007

Ohmifsm! Soteos speaks Neal?!
#17 MartinC
October 29, 2007

Leave Neal alone.
HE’S A HUMAN!!!!!!!
(OK thats my youtube impression for today)
#18 negentropyeater
October 29, 2007

and the stupidity of assholes.
#19 Thoracantha
October 29, 2007

“YOU PHONY BASTARDS!!!!!!!” = “You legimate child!”
#20 Thoracantha
October 29, 2007

“YOU PHONY BASTARDS!!!!!!!” = “You legitimate child!”

Can’t spell to save my life.
#21 ironpoptart
October 29, 2007

*Sobs*

It’s so true! I’m a college student, and I really do get graded on how well I parrot and follow in lockstep with my professors! *cry* Of course, I am a Chinese major…

This reminds me of a second grader who just learned to say “fuck”.
#22 Jon
October 29, 2007

LOOK, I’M DOING THE INTERNET EQUIVALENT OF SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#23 David Marjanovi?, OM
October 29, 2007

woozy for Molly.

which sound basically the same before and after a Markov process:

For a long time I have trained to laugh silently, even if it lasts a minute. Any bystanders would at most hear heavy breathing.

This time I failed. I bet both of my neighbors (assuming they’re here) have heard me through the thin walls.
#24 David Marjanovi?, OM
October 29, 2007

woozy for Molly.

which sound basically the same before and after a Markov process:

For a long time I have trained to laugh silently, even if it lasts a minute. Any bystanders would at most hear heavy breathing.

This time I failed. I bet both of my neighbors (assuming they’re here) have heard me through the thin walls.
#25 David Marjanovi?, OM
October 29, 2007

Of course, I am a Chinese major…

This reminds me of a second grader who just learned to say “fuck”.

???!

Sorry, couldn’t resist.
#26 thalarctos
October 29, 2007

???!

???!

(we actually didn’t learn that one in class…)
#27 Stevie_C
October 29, 2007

I almost spit out my coffee when I got to “bugfuck”.

Neal loves himself some Jeses SOOOOO much.

I wonder if he’s a baptist.
#28 Brendan S
October 29, 2007

One has to wonder with people like this.. are they some sort of meta-troll. Like, a troll pretending to be a troll to troll PZ into thinking he’s a troll, then laughing when PZ laughs at his attempt to Troll.
#29 Dan
October 29, 2007

Ah Neal. Whenever I read his outbursts, I can’t help but picture a dirty, sticky child with a grape Kool-
Aid mustache sitting on a grime-covered floor smashing a couple of Hot Wheels cars together again and again and again.

“Errr.. BANG!”
#30 Mango
October 29, 2007

Brendan, I was wondering the same thing.

He might just be some attention-starved loser who gets off on seeing his provocative e-mails posted on a popular blog. Possibly he’s pretending to be an ultra-religious moron because he knows that gives him the best odds.
#31 Janine
October 29, 2007

The one thing that comes to mind when PZ posts these troll e-mails is this; how absolutely tedious it must be to get these e-mails.
#32 Bob L
October 29, 2007

Neal @ (to make up for “my feelings of inadequacy” (after all the best looking girls in my class didn’t want to fuck me)

Presumably PZ can sooth his pain in the arms of his’ trophy wife.
#33 Torbj�rn Larsson, OM
October 29, 2007

I think woozy nealed it.
#34 MikeM
October 29, 2007

I have never been more proud of my asshole status.

Seriously, there are some people that when they call you an asshole, you take it with great delight. This is one of those instances.
#35 Interrobang
October 29, 2007

When Harlan Ellison coined the phrase “prune-whip yoghurt,” he was giving us a glimpse into the future — of what my brain would look like, post-Neal. I bet PZ’s happy to know that at least some of his readers are, in fact, on their meds (took mine this morning as usual, *mutter grump*), even if we can’t close tags reliably (*double mutter grump*).

I’m suddenly nostalgic for the old trope of the crazy guy who thinks he’s Napoleon.
#36 J. John Johnstown
October 29, 2007

I used to think writing with parentheticals was cool. It seemed to make sense to me in a LISP-programming fashion. Just push a new idea onto the stack real quick and pop it off right away. Boy-howdy, was I ever wrong.
#37 Janine
October 29, 2007

And I “FEOW SO GOOOOOOOD”
And I “FEOW SO GOOOOOOOD”
I “FEOW SO GOOOOOOOD” I’m gonna take someone apart tonight.

Naw, that’s Richard Thompson.
#38 mothra
October 29, 2007

The ‘anti- Molly’ could be the ‘Big W’ award.
Other suggestions:
The Ambuscade Award for incoherence.
The Robinson order of the Rant
The Faldwell holy screed.
The Ratzi Crest & Boots (must design coat-of-arms)

Or simply
The Chalice of the benthic slurry
#39 PZ Myers
October 29, 2007

Here’s the problem with an anti-molly, though: people would start to compete for it. I don’t think it’s something I want to encourage.
#40 Epikt
October 29, 2007

Thanks so much for sharing this rant. The font really does enhance the experience. But if you paste the text into something speech-enabled, with the voice set to “Deranged” and the speed at about 3/4 of the way between Normal and Fast, close your eyes, and Neal will be right there in the room with you.

Does anyone know where I can download a Cartman voice?
#41 demallien
October 29, 2007

An anti-Molly would of course be a “Wally”…
#42 viggen
October 29, 2007

Are screaming and profanity really what religion is all about? Does such a bout of linguistic diarrhea really qualify one to appear more capable and less ignorant than one’s contemporaries?

The man only knows he’s angry; he doesn’t even know what he’s arguing about and doesn’t respect the fact that Science gave him the tool by which he can register his distain directly with the one he regards as his enemy. Do these people not realize that they would all be living in hovels still, dying of smallpox and syphilis were it not for what Biology and Genetics, in particular, have given them?
#43 MikeM
October 29, 2007

Well, instead of having an anti-Molly (you can already sort of do that by going to one of the Sam Brownback blogs, and it IS entertaining to do so), maybe you could give us a list of what you consider your top-5 rants, and let us vote on the “best” one.

The prize: Lifetime ban from this blog.

I bet, given your profile, it’d be really hard for you to give us only 5 to vote on.
#44 Rjaye
October 29, 2007

“I like to imagine his voice as a plummy BBC British accent. Makes it even funnier.

He’s a fuck-knuckle.

Posted by: Angie | October 29, 2007 7:40 PM ”

OUCH! That sounds painful! I hope there’s a cure for that!
#45 Perumbery
October 29, 2007

Soteos translation feels accurate. It’d be nice if we could respond to these sort of concerns in a way that’s accessible to the folks expressing them — rather than just having a laugh at their expense.
#46 Ichthyic
October 29, 2007

It’d be nice if we could respond to these sort of concerns in a way that’s accessible to the folks expressing them –

we did, see #94.

and, don’t be a concern troll. This guy has been posting the same rants on ALL the science blogs for months now, and those that did try to figure out some sort of meaningful response when he first started got nowhere.

he doesn’t WANT a rational response, and he’s made that perfectly clear time and time again.

having a laugh at them is really all you can do.

so, sit back and enjoy, or write him yourself and recommend a good mental health care professional. don’t for a second think he actually has any reasonable concerns.
#47 Michael Handy
October 30, 2007

“YOU REALLY DON’T SEE HOW VASTLY INADEQUATE YOU GODDAMN ASSERTIONS ARE”

Thanks a bunch PZ, every irony meter on my campus just exploded. What am I gonna tell my professors…
#48 Scotty B
October 30, 2007

Well, the first message was retarded, but I would say he definitely uptarded his stance in the second message.

Oh, and if it hasn’t been said yet… Godwin:

“YOU BASTARDS ARE NOTHING MORE THAN HITLER TYPE IDIOTS…”
#49 Arnosium Upinarum
November 2, 2007

The fellow thinks with his lungs which just happen to supply air to his vocal chords in spasmodic blasts. I know some just like that. They erupt alot. Perhaps they were all unusally cholicky as infants. Their outbursts rather resemble a permanent case of the hiccups. They’re distraught and they have no idea why.