In the spirit of the season

Since we’re entering the holiday season, and I wouldn’t want to be accused of contributing to the War on Christmas (oh, horrors!), here are some fortuitously christmassy entertainments.

If you’re shopping for just the right gift for that devout Christian, look into the Twelve Days of Kitschmas. These are exactly the kind of garish ticky-tack most appropriate for your beloved followers of the prosperity gospel.

But perhaps you want to share with more spiritually minded loved ones. How about some Bible verses? In fact, how about the most badass verses in the entire Bible? 1 Samuel 18 suggests some great presents for your father-in-law, too.


  1. #1 Michael X
    November 29, 2007

    Sarcastically celebrating 15 ways of how idiotically violent the bible is, is a great way to show how idiotically violent the bible is. And I’m amused to see you link to Your tentacles really must be everywhere…

  2. #2 Hank Fox
    November 29, 2007

    I’m imagining a song:

    On the first day of Kitschmas, my true love gave to me …
    An in-flat-a-ble Frosty the Snowman.

    On the second day of Kitschmas, my true love gave to me …
    Two Chick Tracts,
    And an in-flat-a-ble Frosty the Snowman.

    Anyone of you lyrically inclined feel like writing the rest?

    I want it to mention plastic angels, you hear? And maybe a Virgin Mary Wristwatch. Extra points if you can manage to include the (not safe for work) Jackhammer Jesus.

    And if you’re MUSICALLY inclined, I wouldn’t mind hearing the actual song.

    While searching for a link to an image of the Virgin Mary Wristwatch (they exist, I’ve seen one), I came across this DEFINITELY NOT SAFE FOR WORK Madonna and Child.

  3. #3 Jessa
    November 29, 2007

    I love the Maria memory stick. Complete with LED light-up sacred heart and halo with “Oh Maria keep my data safe.”

    Too bad my desire for kitchsy woo doesn’t go up to 69 euros.

  4. #4 bernarda
    November 29, 2007

    I would suggest that fans look up Isaiah 13.

  5. #5 Cuttlefish, OM
    November 29, 2007

    (it deserves its own post, but this isn’t my blog
    So I thought I’d just be a commentary hog
    When you thought that the christmas lights couldn’t be dimmer, man,
    Here’s a christmas song by our favorite, Roy Zimmerman)

  6. #6 Armchair Dissident
    November 29, 2007

    Holy Cr*p!!


  7. #7 Cuttlefish, OM
    November 29, 2007

    Said the Little Boy to the Working Mom
    Do you see what I see?
    Cable channel three-seventeen–
    Do you see what I see?
    A toy! A toy! A laser-action gun
    It will bring me hours of fun
    It will bring me hours of fun!

    Said the Working Mom to the Absent Dad
    Do you hear what I hear?
    Listen to your son, Absent Dad
    Do you hear what I hear?
    Your kid! Your kid! Is driving me insane
    And your check is late once again
    And your check is late once again!

    Said the Absent Dad to the Learned Judge
    Do you know what I know?
    Sitting on your bench, Learned Judge
    Do you know what I know?
    My job! My job! Was outsourced to Bhopal
    Now I have no money at all
    Now I have no money at all!

    Said the Learned Judge to the President
    Do you see what I see?
    On your Crawford ranch, President–
    Do you see what I see?
    The time, the time, for posturing is past
    We must all do something, and fast
    We must all do something, and fast!

    Said the Prez, to the People Everywhere
    Listen to what I say!
    Go and shop, People Everywhere!
    Listen to what I say!
    Just swipe your card, and don’t forget your PIN
    You must shop like thrift is a sin!
    If you don’t, the Terrorists win!

  8. #8 Faithful Reader
    November 29, 2007

    Thanks for reminding me of the Ship of Fools site, home of the Kitschmas stuff. (Is there a Freudian meaning there, coded in Yiddish?) Haven’t visited in a while, and it’s still a funny site.

  9. #9 James McGrath
    November 29, 2007

    The best I was able to come up with is “We Wish You An Intelligently-Designed Creationmas“. I’d welcome suggestions for improving it.

    I did also respond to a ‘Top Ten Bible Verses‘ meme a while back, but I’m not sure if it is in the same league or genre with the ones you shared…

  10. #10 J-Dog
    November 29, 2007

    Bad Ass Verses = Fun For The Family

  11. #11 Alex
    November 29, 2007

    I think the “No Grabbing the Junk Commandment” should have been one of the original ten. It makes a hell of a lot more sense than “I am the ‘lord’ your ‘god’ blah blah blah give me cash.”

  12. #12 Fastlane
    November 29, 2007

    I think if we get wnough of these printed up as posters, xmas will wage war onitself:

    Heathen’s Greetings!

  13. #13 zer0
    November 29, 2007

    I loved the 9 most badass bible verses, and from there I checked out the 10 Creepies Craigslist Casual Encounters. All I gotta say is WOW.

    Desired Demo:
    Women who are attracted to cult-leader types.

    “Sodomy is the ultimate act of trust. You could really get hurt if you resist. But pushing past that fear, by passing through it, lite rally the joy that lies on the other side of convention … If you’re an atheist, you will get to know God experientially, from being fucked in the ass.”

    People are fucked up.

  14. #14 Sili
    November 29, 2007

    Cuttlefish makes me a sad panda.

  15. #15 Stingray
    November 29, 2007

    Is it just me or does the “Holy Toast” in the 12 days of Kitschmas look like the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

  16. #16 Mena
    November 29, 2007

    Couldn’t get past #7 on the bad ass bible thing, sorry! ;^)

  17. #17 Ichthyic
    November 29, 2007

    love that one comment from the bad-ass bible verse post:

    Martin Luther King may have had a dream, but Moses had a body count.


  18. #18 jrochest
    November 30, 2007

    I have always loved the ‘kids who mock bald prophets will be eaten by bears’ quote.

    Especially the specificity of the number: 42!

  19. #19 Rorschach
    April 13, 2009

    Testing 1,2,3…

New comments have been temporarily disabled. Please check back soon.