…and this is a 
Have a ticky-tacky Christmas!
Category: Weirdness
Posted on: November 16, 2007 1:00 AM, by PZ Myers
It's awfully hard to get into the spirit of the War on Christmas when Christians are so danged tacky. I mean, really…the Jesus loves you sucker is only one comma away from perfect honesty, while the Jesus Tree Topper with the silk gown, gold crown, nail prints in the hands, and built-in light is pure cheese. He really needs a complement, though: Naked Tormented Jesus with Stigmata Squirting Action. Then the kids could battle it out between ascetism and the prosperity gospel right there on the Christmas tree.
Comments
Myers, it may be time for an intellectual teething ring.
Posted by: wnelson | November 16, 2007 1:07 AM
Makes me think of the Father Ted episode that featured a talking Jesus sticky-tape dispenser: "You have used 2 inches of tape. God bless you".
Posted by: davew | November 16, 2007 1:09 AM
If only I trusted that outfit with a credit card number, I'd be ordered up stocking stuffers for the entire family.
Posted by: Lindsay Beyerstein | November 16, 2007 1:26 AM
Myers, it may be time for an intellectual teething ring.
wnelson's got one in its original packaging, never used.
Posted by: Chris Clarke | November 16, 2007 2:08 AM
The Jesus Tree Topper reminds me of the story about how the little angel came to be up on top of the tree. One Xmas Eve when nothing was going right, Santa was at his wits' end. The elves were on strike, Mrs. Claus wanted a divorce, and Rudolph had just threatened to show Mrs. Claus pictures of the time his hind hooves had gotten stuck in Santa's boots, near the edge of a steep glacier. At just the wrong moment, a little angel asked Santa where he wanted her to stick the Xmas Tree--and there she's been ever since, although, just as in the case of the Jesus Tree Topper, I have no doubt that it was consensual.
Posted by: Ken Cope | November 16, 2007 2:11 AM
Slightly off topic - the Nova 'Judgement day - ID on trial' program has just been released online.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/id/program.html
Posted by: MartinC | November 16, 2007 2:26 AM
Here's what our Xmas Tree Topper looks like at this atheist household (first, second and third generation atheists). Thanks to Hallmark, we can always find lots of good witch and bad witch ornaments too.
Posted by: Ken Cope | November 16, 2007 2:32 AM
I think the Jesus nite lite is way classier.
If it only had a voice capacity that would keep repeating over and over (in a fruity pasor voice, natch):
"LOVE ME, LOVE ME; LOOOOOOVE ME because I LOOOOVE YOU!
Or BUUUURN in hell FOOOOOREVER! Because I LOVE YOU:
LOVE ME etc. etc."
Such a thing is bound to make any happy well adjusted christian offspring sleep so much more securly and soundly.
Of course christians don´t relly worship idols, do they?
Posted by: jc. | November 16, 2007 2:43 AM
Wait a minute, if mr. JC is going on the top of the tree, where does the top of the tree go on him? Oh dear.
Posted by: Hank | November 16, 2007 2:53 AM
I always like to celebrate my birthday by shoving a Conifer up my rectum
Posted by: bdodge | November 16, 2007 3:06 AM
I always hate it when people confuse Christmas for a Christian holiday. It's really a pagan winter solstice festival celebrating the rebirth of the sun. (As the winter solstice is the shortest day of the year, and after that the days start getting longer.) The evergreen, in fact, is a pagan symbol of enduring life. But no, the Christians have to say it's all about THEIR J-Dude and shove the Christmas tree in uncomfortable places where the sun don't shine.
Posted by: ansuzmannaz | November 16, 2007 3:23 AM
I desperately want to get one of the Jesus NightLights and suprise Mr Shrek one night by flicking it on at 2 a.m...but giving these assclowns money would only encourage them.
Posted by: Bride of Shrek | November 16, 2007 3:52 AM
Don't forget to place a Talking Jesus Action Figure under the tree as gift for the kids:
Ah, yes! Nothing says Christmas like a battery-powered vibrant Jesus talking to you while performing miracles.
Posted by: Disgusted in St. Louis | November 16, 2007 4:44 AM
Seems like a good place for me to offer up a little contribution of my own to the WAR ON CHRISTMAS. (.pdf file). Just print the form double-sided, fold in half, and send these cards off to your friends. I consider educating Christians about their bible to be a public service.
Posted by: Patrick Quigley | November 16, 2007 4:48 AM
The War on Xmas is my favorite holiday besides the War on Halloween. This year we will coopt Xmas by conflating it with a Northern European pagan holiday. You know, a conifer tree, reindeer, mistletoe, drunken parties, feasts. The usual.
Posted by: raven | November 16, 2007 5:07 AM
Remember, fundies, you have to buy Jesus tree-toppers in quantity because every three days they disappear ... unless you don't have enough faith.
Posted by: Ex-drone | November 16, 2007 6:52 AM
I dropped the whole thing. I celebrate Decemberween.
Posted by: Bronze Dog | November 16, 2007 7:47 AM
I gotta get me some of those Crucifix mints! Nothing says good breath like dying on the cross!
Posted by: Steverino | November 16, 2007 8:01 AM
I think the Jesus scented candles are among the best Christy items.
Apparently they come in original, resurrection and servanthood scents.
Lest ye think I kiddest:
http://www.hisessence.com
Posted by: BG | November 16, 2007 8:04 AM
There is only one true JC: John Constantine! Well, all right, there are two. John Cleese as well.
Posted by: Ted D | November 16, 2007 8:05 AM
The best part:
"Lights up when plugged in. King of Glory. Hollow in center"
Satire is dead.
Posted by: apthorp | November 16, 2007 8:07 AM
Don't miss the FSM tree topper!
http://skepchick.org/blog/?p=763
Posted by: writerdd | November 16, 2007 8:07 AM
Damn that Ken Cope beat me...
Posted by: scienceteacherinexile | November 16, 2007 8:14 AM
Yule be sorry, blasphemer! ;-)
By the way: If you're wondering why there's been an uptick in religious references among the Dem pols, it's probably because the Republicans have bought off a few black preachers and are trying to use them to split the black voting community away from the Democrats, using lines like "Progressives are against religion and out to silence the Church" and "Gay rights advocates have 'hijacked' and 'raped' the civil rights movement." The Dems are fighting back by showing, among other things, that most black preachers and prominent black figures (including the late Coretta Scott King herself) were and are gay-friendly, as they recognize a common enemy.
Posted by: Phoenix Woman | November 16, 2007 8:15 AM
I love the Jesus night light at the Christian Dollar store.
When you wake up in the middle of the night to bleed your lizard,
Jesus is there to light your way.
Posted by: mayhempix | November 16, 2007 8:17 AM
"the Jesus loves you sucker is only one comma away from perfect honesty"
OK, that was funny.
Note just below, the "Cross-shaped Swirl Pop," yummy little sugary psychedelic instruments of torturous death.
You know, for kids!
Posted by: Sven DiMilo | November 16, 2007 8:32 AM
Why isn't there a Jesus Door Stop?
Posted by: Watt de Fawke | November 16, 2007 8:34 AM
Sorry, but the whole notion of Jesus crammed into the electrical outlet cracks my up in all sorts of ways. It reminds me of the They Might Be Giants song "Birdhouse in your soul."
I'm your only friend
I'm not your only friend
But I'm a little glowing friend
But really I'm not actually your friend
But I am...
Posted by: Dan | November 16, 2007 8:42 AM
I'm so sorry to say this, and it tells you where my mind is this morning, but I first read the above quote as "a battery-powered vibrating Jesus."
Kind of gives "come to Jesus" a whole new meaning.
Posted by: folderol | November 16, 2007 9:05 AM
Well this crap IS mostly manufactured by heathens in China... Of course they're not the ones BUYING it. I actually sympathize with Xtians who bemoan the orgy of consumption that is commited in the name of Jesus. While I don't think that he is any more divine than Ghandi, it IS sad to see the message of peace and love drowned out by BUY,BUY,BUY. Probably not as sad as seing it drowned out by homophobic hatemongering bordering on racist asshole fundies, but still...
Posted by: jim a | November 16, 2007 9:05 AM
In Southern California there is drive-in church. They have franchised under the name "Holy Spirit To Go" and sell fast food along with a free daily prayer. During the holiday season they include a mini Bleeding Jesus Doll (just add catsup) in the kids "Rapture Meal".
One day I pulled up to the crimson order cross and a deep booming voice on the speaker said, "What can I do for you today my son?"
To which I replied, "I'll have the Big Jesus Combo, easy on the cross and hold the nails."
Posted by: mayhempix | November 16, 2007 9:16 AM
A festivus for the rest of us?
Posted by: Sunny | November 16, 2007 9:47 AM
Tsss. Kurisumasu is the Japanese holiday of, shall I say, eudaimonia: rampant consumerism and love. You have it all backwards.
Posted by: David Marjanović, OM | November 16, 2007 9:52 AM
Hey folderol (#29),
Apparently you're not the only one. One of my favorite writers (besides PZ), Mark Morford, wrote a piece on Sex Toys for Good Christians a while back. Be sure to check out the Jesus dildo.
Posted by: Todd | November 16, 2007 11:14 AM
If you are a Harry Potter fan, you will understand why my wife and I would like to top our christmas tree with a garden troll wearing a tu-tu.
Posted by: Pablo | November 16, 2007 1:42 PM
#10 - "I always like to celebrate my birthday by shoving a Conifer up my rectum"
Well, that is preferable to sticking a carnivore up there (I assume).
Posted by: blondin | November 16, 2007 1:54 PM
If you like this product, you might also like
Angels We Have Heard Are High
Calvacade of Bad Nativities
The Passion of the Tchotchke
The Stations of the Kitsch
Posted by: Leigh | November 16, 2007 2:14 PM
Technically since the birth of Christ is based on much older, much more astrologically oriented stories, so is Christmas. 3 days for the resurrection, 3 days between solstice and the rebirth of the sun, 3 stars (kings) in the belt of orion line up with where the sun will rise again. There's nothing factual about Christ, its all an astrological metaphor recast through out the ages with new names and faces. That's why Dec 25th shows up in all kinds of myths in a lot of different cultures.
Posted by: Venger | November 16, 2007 2:28 PM
My fave is definitely the Cross Shaped Swirl Pops. Nothing says True Faith like an artificially fruit-flavored choking hazard, shaped like the device your martyred god was crucified on.
I mean, really. Why is this not blasphemous?
And yes to the Divine Interventions folks. The Crucifixion Dildo is truly excellent; but my personal fave is the Baby Jesus Buttplug.
Posted by: Greta Christina | November 16, 2007 7:16 PM