…and this is a 
Christmas shopping?
Category: Weirdness
Posted on: December 12, 2007 8:32 AM, by PZ Myers
One of the small disadvantages of academia is that we get hopelessly busy just before Christmas, which makes squeezing in the gift shopping difficult. I'm probably not even going to step into a store until sometime around the end of next week. That's why you have to appreciate these online gift suggestions. I'm leaning towards the Televangelists' Rapture Early-Warning System as a universally useful gift for my family members of all faiths. Even the atheists should like the half-hour warning before the Rapture so they can rapidly convert!
Comments
PZ, some years back I came upon the perfect gift for everybody on your list: the Mag-Lite flashlight.
Seriously. I discovered that nobody I knew had a good flashlight, and that everybody, from grandmothers to kids, appreciated them. They come in sizes small enough to keep in your pocket, middle sizes that are great for purses or automobile glove boxes, or large sizes hefty enough to fight off charging panzerbjorn. You can run over them with a car and they still work. And they last practically forever.
And no, they're not paying me to say this. I'm just entranced with something that works well, and is durable, in an item-category filled with so much useless plastic shit.
Posted by: Hank Fox | December 12, 2007 8:38 AM
--AND you can pretend that they're wicked-cool lightsabres.
Posted by: Rav Winston | December 12, 2007 8:47 AM
And there's nothing like the romance of a mag-lite in "candle" mode...or so my boyfriend tells me.
Posted by: katie | December 12, 2007 8:49 AM
I hear you about academic end of semester crazy busy. I'm disappointed that it is now too late to find a real (pagan) xmas tree. All the lots around us are sold out and I just don't have time to make the trek to a tree farm. I worried about that when I saw the trees arriving in town around halloween.
Posted by: Greg | December 12, 2007 8:56 AM
It's the thought that counts, so therefore I've been trying to develop mutant psychic powers (so I can give people some thoughts, thereby saving lots of money) by hanging around nuclear power plants a lot all year with a view to being bitten by radioactive animals. So far I've been bitten by a moose, but that doesn't seem to have given me any powers. Unless you count the antlers.
Posted by: Ted D | December 12, 2007 8:58 AM
My favorite is the Dalai Lama calendar; it's good to be reminded of the plurality of religious wackiness.
Posted by: Shaggy Maniac | December 12, 2007 9:00 AM
Hmm...so what do the ultra-Orthodox Jews do about pacemakers?
Posted by: Tulse | December 12, 2007 9:01 AM
Many a long night on a bivy ledge have I used the candle mode... Unfortunately.... or rather considering my climbing partner, fortunately, there was no romance involved.
Posted by: Rev. BigDumbChimp | December 12, 2007 9:17 AM
I will get the Rapture Warning System. It will give me time to grab the wife and kid and plan an impromptu vacation. The roads should be much clearer!
Posted by: Charles Soto | December 12, 2007 9:25 AM
Listen to Hank. Flashlights are great gifts for people of all ages. We once gave a three year old grandson five flashlights of different sizes. Of course, his parents spent a small fortune on batteries.
Posted by: Lana | December 12, 2007 9:29 AM
http://www.amazon.com/Deluxe-Miracle-Jesus-Action-Figure/dp/B000C9XB8W/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1197469799&sr=1-2
Posted by: Mik | December 12, 2007 9:35 AM
No you need a Pleo to remind you of your roots; http://www.pleoworld.com/ ;-)
Posted by: Branedy | December 12, 2007 9:56 AM
May I suggest something like this?
Clearly suitable for the Minnesota backwoods.
http://www.leevalley.com/wood/page.aspx?c=2&p=20129&cat=1,41131,43408&ap=1
Usuall disclaimers apply: I send Rob and Richard money, they send me toys.
fusilier
James 2:24
Posted by: fusilier | December 12, 2007 9:58 AM
Speaking of the holidays, I didn't know that the holiday season is also the Hate Crime season.
Those wacky xtians....
Posted by: Jesse | December 12, 2007 9:59 AM
D'oh!
Let's try that link again:
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5iWCJyvT0BKYliSAruZ1wUdCJlp8QD8TFI1L82
Posted by: Jesse | December 12, 2007 10:01 AM
The proper use of the Rapture Warning System is to let you know when it's time to go scoop up all the cool shit they leave behind before the looters can get to it. Maybe some sort of Rapture Will and Testaments are in order for those acquaintances of ours likely to beam up?
Posted by: raindogzilla | December 12, 2007 10:30 AM
Why would Raptured folks leave wills so that the unsaved can divvy up their stuff?
Besides, any god worthy of worshipping would also Rapture all my cool gear, so I could have it in Heaven. Lounging about on clouds with only harp music and no Sleater-Kinney on my iPod doesn't sound like paradise to me.
Posted by: Tulse | December 12, 2007 10:40 AM
I was momentarily disoriented when I clicked on the link. Ah the wonders of cyberspace, everywhere is only one click from everywhere else. Two places I hang out that have nothing to do with each other. In one I keep an eye on the struggles of brethren against the encroaching endarkenment and in the other I try and keep a finger on the pulse of the zeitgeist back home in New Zealand. I have been reading the ponderings and digestions of the head burbler at Public Address since he was a subscription email list from a student radio station. My email alerts still come from there. I think I'm showing my age...
Posted by: Peter Ashby | December 12, 2007 12:11 PM
"Hmm...so what do the ultra-Orthodox Jews do about pacemakers?" Tulse
Actually, the rabbis have always been ingenious about getting around the rules. One of the standing orders is that the commandments were given that we might "live in them." "Live," and not "die," they say. So when a potentially lifesaving procedure conflicts with a point of Law, you can ignore the Law. So, working to save a life on the Sabbath is perfeclty acceptable.
Oy. Such mental gymnastics. It's just so much easier to jettison the entire corpus of nonsense.
Posted by: Rav Winston | December 12, 2007 12:18 PM
I'm surprised nobody here found this... the perfect gift for the deranged believer in your life...
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=7772695
Posted by: Evolving Squid | December 12, 2007 12:52 PM
@ #20:
My hubby asked me at the weekend what I wanted to put on top of the tree - a star or an angel? Without thinking I said "how about a squid"?
He doesn't read this blog and is a wee bit confused now.
Posted by: VWXYNot? | December 12, 2007 1:43 PM
Check this out for your favorite corporate drone:
http://www.cubefigures.com/home.html
My husband's getting the IT set!
Posted by: dwarf zebu | December 12, 2007 7:10 PM
Re: #1
I agree: Maglites are the Cadillacs of flashlights. I've had one for nearly a decade. My only problem was, who the HELL paints a flashlight black?
Still, I may give a few for Hogwatch.
-- CV
Posted by: CortxVortx | December 13, 2007 9:24 PM
I like MagLites(tm), too, but they are black and tend to get lost. Bright yellow or phosphorescent would work better. Lately, I've been buying the hand-sized disposable flashlights that are more boxy. They stand where you put them and have some translucent bits so they work a bit as warning lights. And they're so cheap I felt only virtuous giving mine away to some fellow wearing black whose dark-coloured car had stalled on a dark highway. He was trying to wave cars around but that black-on-black-on-black colour scheme made me nervous. He wanted to know about returning it but I just said to pass the favour on to someone else.
Posted by: Monado | December 13, 2007 11:58 PM