Pharyngula

Posted by: George | January 25, 2008 10:01 AM

Okay, just eeewwwww....

Posted by: holbach | January 25, 2008 10:03 AM

How about "Flip my switch and be enlightened" Sorry.

Posted by: David Spector | January 25, 2008 10:05 AM

How does that old Hymn go...

"Jesus loves the little children...."

Yikes.

Posted by: MartinM | January 25, 2008 10:08 AM

Suffer the little children to come unto me? Seems rather backwards at present.

Posted by: Cuttlefish, OM | January 25, 2008 10:10 AM

What an interesting tidbit of kitsch
Iconography sure is a bitch
But I'm sure that the thrust
Of the thought is: You must
Turn on Jesus's love, like a switch

He said "I am the way and the light"
And his love is a beautiful sight
If you join with his flock, you
Will see--he won't shock you;
Turn him on, though, and maybe he might

Posted by: Anon | January 25, 2008 10:12 AM

Why are that little boy's hands in his pockets?

Posted by: Dan | January 25, 2008 10:14 AM

Jesus is lust!

Posted by: maxi | January 25, 2008 10:15 AM

I'm worried where the girl's right hand is headed.

Posted by: kim | January 25, 2008 10:17 AM

"Get it out of the darkness!"

Posted by: Peter Ashby | January 25, 2008 10:26 AM

'Aw now the kids can see what I'm like in the dark.'

Posted by: Greg Laden | January 25, 2008 10:30 AM

When I was about nine years old, my family and I attended a church in some remote village in northern New York while on vacation. The priest walked out before mass and said "Is anyone here an expert on electronics." As an amateur radio operator, I raised my hand thinking I could get God-Brownie points.

The priest said "Thank you, young man, would you mind flipping off the light switch over there by the door..."

Priests ... always trying to be funny.

So here are my entries:

"Let there be light. But always use a condom"
"Turn On Jesus"
"How many priests does it take to turn on a light bulb? ... "

By the way, I love the fact that the children on this wall switch (which I assume is a glow in the dark wall switch), are staring at the naughty bits.

Posted by: Stephen Wells | January 25, 2008 10:32 AM

Are you the Light of the World or are you just pleased to see me?

Posted by: MexiPakiJew | January 25, 2008 10:34 AM

I had a friend in middle school with one of those! His whole family was evangelical nutcases, of course. He loved it, but didn't understand why I cracked up laughing the first time I saw the dang thing.

Posted by: stu | January 25, 2008 10:38 AM

New doctrine of The Resurrection.

Posted by: Hank Fox | January 25, 2008 10:40 AM

Dang. H. Humbert got there first.

It's obvious it should be "Children turn me on."

Whew! "Kitsch" is the right word. In this photo, at least, it's even a tasteless dog-puke green.

Posted by: DiscGrace | January 25, 2008 10:41 AM

Hey Jesus, I know how the verse goes, but I think this would actually be a good time to hide it under a bushel basket.

Posted by: Hank Fox | January 25, 2008 10:44 AM

Second choice:

"Gloryholes to God in the highest ..."

...

(Heh. Just puzzled out the lettering above the switch. I think it says "Honor Thy Father and Mother.")

Posted by: JLem | January 25, 2008 10:45 AM

how did the manufacturer/designer/consumer not see how horrible this is?

Posted by: karen | January 25, 2008 10:46 AM

Notice how JC is gently "herding" the kids toward the, erm, member?

Posted by: LisaJ | January 25, 2008 10:47 AM

Wow! That is awesome. All 3 of them are just staring at it! Why?!

I vote for the caption put out by #4. Perfect.

Posted by: umkomasia | January 25, 2008 10:50 AM

Spare the rod and spoil the child.

Posted by: toomanytribbles | January 25, 2008 10:53 AM

'c'mon babies, light my fire'

Posted by: maxi | January 25, 2008 10:58 AM

Is that a loaf in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

Posted by: Rev. Ayatollah Mulla Fakir | January 25, 2008 11:00 AM

I must have one. MUST.

Posted by: Doug | January 25, 2008 11:01 AM

@35

how did the manufacturer/designer/consumer not see how horrible this is?

Perhaps it's just niche marketing for Catholic Priests. Notice it says Honor thy Father and Something.

Posted by: Ali | January 25, 2008 11:05 AM

Awesome... Is this real or Photoshoped? what were they thinking?!

Posted by: Richard Harris | January 25, 2008 11:08 AM

Joseph to Mary, "Jesus will come between us".

Posted by: J | January 25, 2008 11:09 AM

On the third day he rose again.

Had to go to a bible quotes site for the rest:

"What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean.'"
-Matthew 15:11

"'Come, follow me,' Jesus said, 'and I will make you fishers of men.'"
-Matthew 4:19

[Jesus said] "But if anyone causes one of these little ones to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea."
-Matthew 18:6

Posted by: hilllady | January 25, 2008 11:15 AM

OMG--I once rented a room in a house with a light fixture exactly like that! The former owner was an elderly Catholic lady who had raised six children in the faith. When my friend bought the house from her, we couldn't bear to mess with the kitsch, so I flipped that switch every evening.

Posted by: Peter McGrath | January 25, 2008 11:19 AM

'...the guy who did the circumcision never worked again.'

Posted by: Kevin | January 25, 2008 11:21 AM

With props to Robert Palmer:

"When I took you out
I knew what you were all about
But when I did
I didn't mean to turn you on
No, I didn't mean to turn you on
I didn't mean to turn you on...."

Posted by: Jsn | January 25, 2008 11:23 AM

"Come a little bit closer children. My rod -my staff will comfort you..."

or for the lol crowd -

"Erekshun. I has it."

It also makes me rethink the "suffer the children to come unto me" line.

And thus was how Jesus earned the nickname "Woody". Amen

Posted by: DaveX | January 25, 2008 11:30 AM

"Two of every sort shall come unto thee."

Posted by: DaveX | January 25, 2008 11:33 AM

"Swallow it all, kids. Otherwise the priest has to finish me off."

Posted by: Luis | January 25, 2008 11:39 AM

Here is my entry for the caption contest, in the style of Biblic intergalactical fanfiction (I mean, the Bible is a work of fiction, so you might as well embellish it a bit).

"In 33 AD, the ancestors of lieutenant Ripley watch in horror how a chestbuster chews its way out of Jesus of Nazareth through a slightly unusual route."

'Cause the switch represents an Alien, right?

Posted by: qedpro | January 25, 2008 11:42 AM

ok kids turn it on.
ok now turn it off.
ok now on ... now off ... on ... off .on.off...

Posted by: Kseniya | January 25, 2008 11:43 AM

In this photo, at least, it's even a tasteless dog-puke green.

Hank, my guess is that the whole thing glows in the dark.

I'm not clever enough to top anything already posted, so instead I'll just pretend I have the right to vote on 'em:

First choice: #23
Second choice: #36

Posted by: Sean Craven | January 25, 2008 11:46 AM

Have you ever seen those Jack Chick comics where God is pretty much a light bulb? This explains everything.

And with apologies to Peter McGrath -- I'd go with JC/DC.

Posted by: ZacharySmith | January 25, 2008 11:47 AM

Proof that Jesus is Catholic!

Posted by: Tulse | January 25, 2008 11:48 AM

"Hallelujah, He is risen!"

Posted by: dannyness | January 25, 2008 11:55 AM

"This little light of mine? Who are you calling little?"

Posted by: Tom Morris | January 25, 2008 11:57 AM

"You can't touch this - it's the Sabbath!"

A professor once explained to me that he, as a child in a Catholic family, would make often make money on Saturdays when Orthodox Jews in his neighbourhood would ask him to turn light switches and other electrical devices on and off and pay him a few pennies for doing so. These religious types are barmy and, as capitalists, we should be finding new and unique ways to exploit their weird phobias for profit.

Posted by: Christophe Thill | January 25, 2008 11:58 AM

I know Jesus loves me, but I just want to be friends.

(sorry, didn't invent it, just stole it frome some sig, maybe even here)

Or :

Come to my church, I'll introduce you to all the members.

Posted by: Steve_C | January 25, 2008 12:03 PM

So wait...... getting Jesus turned on provides the energy to power the light?

Neat. Take that solar panels!

Posted by: Matt M | January 25, 2008 12:03 PM

But, see, does the square peg go in the round hole?

Posted by: Quintana | January 25, 2008 12:13 PM

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Posted by: peter garayt | January 25, 2008 12:19 PM

There is all kinds of this stuff that people with imaginations will have fun with but the makers intent is just to fill the room with as many reminders as possible.
They didn't even notice.

Posted by: John Pieret | January 25, 2008 12:24 PM

"Hey, boys and girls! Wanna raise Jesus from the dead?"

Uh, oh ... I think I'm going to hell now!

Posted by: dinoami | January 25, 2008 12:37 PM

"Switch on to the light of Jesus, and know love."

Posted by: dubiquiabs | January 25, 2008 12:39 PM

Let us prey!

Posted by: Mark in So Cal | January 25, 2008 12:41 PM

So Jesus is Black?

Posted by: Curt Cameron | January 25, 2008 12:42 PM

The way the children are looking right at the holy member - this had to have been done as a joke by the artist, right? I'm sure it was sold earnestly by a company, but the person who actually made the kids looking there had to have known what he was doing.

Posted by: Tlazolteotl | January 25, 2008 12:54 PM

Oh, this makes me think of the bit from the wonderfully funny, satirical movie The Ruling Class where Peter O'Toole straps himself up in a cross and cries out "I am the electric Messiah! The AC/DC god!" (Sampled in the song Cooler Than Jesus by My Life With the Thrill Kill Cult.)

Posted by: Quidam | January 25, 2008 12:56 PM

Jesus of the Week has a delightfully tacky selection of Jesuses (or is it Jesii?) That includes the "Turn Jesus On" switch and this delicious item
There's also this wonderful reminder that you're only young once - unless you get a tattoo of a cutsie Hello Jesus Kittie. Won't that look so cool when you're 40.

Posted by: Autumn | January 25, 2008 1:10 PM

The gift priests give to children to show them what they just did wasn't bad...and to bribe them to keep it hush hush.

Posted by: Bing McGhandi | January 25, 2008 1:14 PM

Jesus, stop fondling the white children.

HJ

Posted by: Todd | January 25, 2008 1:24 PM

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Mom
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Posted by: kw | January 25, 2008 1:29 PM

I saw this at Scalzi's place:
http://scalzi.com/whatever/
and prefer his title, "Possibly the world's most unfortunate light switch".

Posted by: anon1234 | January 25, 2008 1:34 PM

An obvious reference to "Come thou long expected Jesus."

Posted by: thalarctos | January 25, 2008 1:35 PM

Paul, Paul, it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.

Nice one, Scott--OT, are you familiar with Johnny Cash's "The Man Comes Around"?

If not, I strongly recommend listening to it.

Posted by: tim quick | January 25, 2008 1:42 PM

John 6:53

"Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you."

Posted by: ildi | January 25, 2008 1:48 PM

It has been explained to me that the reason I make my born-again brother so agitated when I tell him I am very happy being a deist (I lie to him because the a-word would probably give him a stroke or something) is that we all have this hole in our lives, see, and only Jesus can fill it. We may try to fill this hole with money, or drugs, or alcohol, but ultimately we all have to come to the realization:

"Only Jesus can fill your hole!"

Posted by: Cephus | January 25, 2008 1:50 PM

Any bets they got it in a Catholic store? Those priests had to get their ideas from somewhere.

Posted by: dorid | January 25, 2008 1:53 PM

oh, you can get stuff like this every week over at http://www.jesusoftheweek.com

And I can't help but notice that Jesus is turned on.

Posted by: Kristine | January 25, 2008 1:56 PM

"Suffer the little children..."

Posted by: Epikt | January 25, 2008 2:14 PM

"If this light remains on for more than four hours, consult your physician."

Posted by: thalarctos | January 25, 2008 2:15 PM

Epikt wins the thread!

Posted by: Dahan | January 25, 2008 2:27 PM

Old and stolen, but the line "Jesus loves me... but I make him wear a condom." comes to mind.

Posted by: vivisected | January 25, 2008 2:38 PM

"Shhh... Jesus won't tell... Just touch it."

Posted by: bernarda | January 25, 2008 2:48 PM

- How many kids does it take to turn on a Jesus bulb?

- Here is a site that has a Jesus game.

http://jesusdressup.com/number2.html

Posted by: gyokusai | January 25, 2008 2:52 PM

My take:

"Raise the Lord!"

^_^J.

Posted by: Juan | January 25, 2008 2:56 PM

Come on! 138 comments and no Michael Jackson jokes yet? This proves MJ is just a strict Christ follower.

Posted by: Kurt | January 25, 2008 2:58 PM

From #55:

"What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean.'"
-Matthew 15:11

Posted by: LeeLeeOne | January 25, 2008 3:01 PM

A cousin of mine had a picture of jesus with mary at his feet and she decoupaged this picture into a light switch. Tell me if that was not yucky as a little kid! Blech, ptooey, gag, choke, cough....

Posted by: who me? | January 25, 2008 3:17 PM

Where can I buy one of these switchplates?

It should be nice with an illuminated switch.
http://www.kyledesigns.com/product/660ISLG

Posted by: MAJeff | January 25, 2008 3:21 PM

"Christ bade the children to sit on his lap. And there was light."

Posted by: mrh | January 25, 2008 3:26 PM

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the Coming of the Lord.

Jesus loves me, this I know, 'cause his "light switch" tells me so.

Suffer the little children to go down on Me.

Posted by: Fritz J. | January 25, 2008 3:35 PM

Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong.

Yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me;
Yes Jesus loves me, the bible tells me so.

Posted by: ponzo | January 25, 2008 4:03 PM

My first thought upon seeing these (the OP and #148) was, "Are they blind? Don't they realize what this looks like?"

My second thought was that, yes, that is probably the case. There is often a great deal of sexual repression going on in the minds of the extremely religious. This explains, in part, abstinence campaigns and the obsession with homosexuals. They actually just see a light switch honoring "the Lord", and don't notice his enormous wang inviting you to (or the children) to flick on the lights by masturbating him.

Posted by: Josh | January 25, 2008 4:09 PM

"where do you think the preist got their ideas"

Posted by: mayhempix | January 25, 2008 4:39 PM

A little twist on an old authoritarian addage:

"Share the switch, soil the child."

Posted by: Sebastian | January 25, 2008 4:56 PM

"Ith it weally okay to do that, mithter Jethuth?"

"Sure, kids - except on the sabbath day, of course"

Posted by: jmaline | January 25, 2008 5:02 PM

I had one of these in my childhood bedroom. Never thought it was dirty. Then again I was a little kid... By the way, not crazy religious, pretty normal catholic upbringing.

(remembering where I am)
OK, crazy catholic. Not crazy crazy catholic. Feeling better now.

Posted by: TisStupid | January 25, 2008 5:23 PM

The switch is quite a bit too low and misshapen to be considered a phallus. The Jesus figure is slightly hunched moving his waist back from the foreground.

It is obvious that neither the artist, or the purchasers of this switch cover thought it would be deemed inappropriate. I have often wondered the psychological makeup of those who feel the need to associate a sexual connotation with that of innocence.

Posted by: Kseniya | January 25, 2008 5:42 PM

I have often wondered the psychological makeup of those who feel the need to associate a sexual connotation with that of innocence.

Ask your local priest.

I think you're right, though. There's nothing sexual about the plate. Jesus appears to be perched on a unicycle.

Posted by: CalGeorge | January 25, 2008 5:52 PM

"Look, kids, I had my balls tattooed with the word ON! It stands for "onanism rocks"! Can you say that? Onanism? Sure you can."

Posted by: Mena | January 25, 2008 6:16 PM

If you guys think that this is bad, my mother has something similar but it's Mary. No luck in finding a picture of it using the Google but it's also that cheap plastic.

Posted by: danley | January 25, 2008 6:36 PM

"Erect an example for the children."

Posted by: kmarissa | January 25, 2008 7:06 PM

I'm with TisStupid. I'm astounded at the perversion shown here. All I see is a fully grown man gently drawing two small children toward an upwardly angled, nearly cylindrical bulge protruding from his body from somewhere between his waist and his knees. Nothing humorous there.

The fact that the lower, non-protruding half of the switch vaguely resembles a hanging ballsack is also purely coincidental. And not at all funny.

Posted by: Norm | January 25, 2008 7:10 PM

God said "Let there be light" and it was wood ... er, good. Yes, it was very, very good!

Posted by: Trent Eady | January 25, 2008 7:24 PM

#83 is best. Except I would change it to: "I can't touch this - it's the Sabbath!"

Posted by: Skemono | January 25, 2008 8:03 PM

Matthew 26:26:

Jesus ... said, Take, eat; this is my body.

Posted by: Anon | January 25, 2008 8:16 PM

It needs one of these:

http://www.forbiddenfruit.com/Merchant2/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=FF&Product_Code=ELD74(3)

Posted by: Dahan | January 25, 2008 9:05 PM

"You're all going to hell."

Hard to go to a place which doesn't exist. Of course if you know where it is perhaps you could shed some light on the subject...

Posted by: Brian | January 25, 2008 9:35 PM

It's okay children "this" is the way of your god. Now remember to pray so you can feel like you are doing something without really doing anything.

Posted by: RamblinDude | January 25, 2008 10:16 PM

I'm wondering what it's made out of.

Possibly boner china, although it does look rather woody. It also looks like the knob needs polishing. Someone should wax it good. I'd advise being careful though, it might be quite hard and you could end up jerking it right off.

And I'm outa here!

Posted by: Wiggy | January 25, 2008 10:40 PM

"Let me show you what 'turn the other cheek' really means"

Posted by: Kristin | January 25, 2008 11:00 PM

Haha, I saw that just the other day, here: http://freethoughtpedia.com/wiki/Jesus_jokes
It's a good wiki.

Posted by: Dusty Knobbs | January 25, 2008 11:04 PM

I would have expected the son of god to be a bit, you know....bigger.

Posted by: TisStupid | January 25, 2008 11:09 PM

Kmarissa, unless penises grow out of kneecaps, I'd say this is more wishful thinking than the pedophilia fantasy some seem to be having here.

Posted by: Barney | January 25, 2008 11:37 PM

Cows from Minneapolis had a single mined similar territory with the cover art (scroll down to the second image from the top) for "In the mouth," the b-side to their non-hit single, "Plowed."

(not that anyone cares this late in the thread)

Posted by: Janine | January 25, 2008 11:47 PM

Whom ever can lift my staff shall see the light.

Posted by: Sandy | January 26, 2008 12:23 AM

TisStupid, anything is possible with god. ;)

Posted by: Allen | January 26, 2008 1:32 AM

HEY This IS for real, all you who asked. From 1959 until 1979 this light switch was over my head in my bedroom! My parents, who are 84 years old, STILL have this switch plate in a bedroom in their house. I used to lay in bed at night and once in a while look up and wonder "why are they staring at Jesus' Pee pee!!!" HONEST. After I got married in the 1980s, my wife and I stayed at my parents house over Christmas holidays and my wife would crack up at the light switch over our heads. The funniest thing is.........my parents had absolutely NO problems or thoughts about this being sexual at all. My parents are both VERY VERY devote Catholics and very strict about sex or anything to do with it. I never saw an M rated movie (before the PG and PG-13 ratings) until I was 17 years old and went out with my best friend without my parents knowing it!

Posted by: Stevie-Q | January 26, 2008 2:02 AM

A few posters almost had it... it's:

"Suffer me to come unto the little children."

Posted by: Michael X | January 26, 2008 2:09 AM

Holy hell! I get to crack a joke about christian iconography, AND offend someone in one thread?! Quick! somebody gimmie a baby to eat and I'll have the whole evil atheist trifecta! I might even kick a puppy for an encore...

Posted by: aseem | January 26, 2008 2:53 AM

"Oh 'come' all ye faithful..."

Posted by: Tara | January 26, 2008 3:42 AM

Honor Thy Father and Mother (but this will be our little secret).

Posted by: DLC | January 26, 2008 7:17 AM

Re: Catholics . . . am I alone in thinking Semenary is a double-entendre ?

oh well.

Posted by: Adrienne | January 26, 2008 7:51 AM

Re: #207: Or "Suffer the little children to come on to me."

Posted by: BaldApe | January 26, 2008 9:47 AM

"Do this as oft as you flick it in rememberence of me."

Posted by: blf | January 26, 2008 11:03 AM

"The turtle moves!"

Posted by: Epikt | January 26, 2008 12:14 PM

Adrienne:

Re: #131: ""If this light remains on for more than four hours, consult your physician."

Shouldn't Jesus be the one calling his physician? Who is Jesus's physician anyway? St. Luke?

Unlikely. If Jesus was really male, after four hours he'd be calling all his buddies and bragging about it.

Posted by: Arnosium Upinarum | January 26, 2008 2:17 PM

holy moly

Posted by: dsmccoy | January 26, 2008 3:17 PM

Jesus loves you with the lights on.

Posted by: Shannon Jacobs | January 26, 2008 4:34 PM

"If you turn Jesus off, you'll go blind" or "If you turn Jesus off, you'll be in the dark." Maybe you could work "eternal darkness" into it?

Seems like a perfectly reasonable religious message to me. Easy for me to imagine the appropriate sermon. However, I'm not up on the most appropriate Biblical quotes.

Posted by: hbsweet | January 27, 2008 1:32 AM

(sings) "He's got the whole world in His pants"

Posted by: AJS | January 27, 2008 7:42 AM

I think it would probably look just a tiny bit less obscene in the "on" position (and when it's in the "off" position, the room would be dark anyway).

Of course, in a hall-and-landing setup, all bets are off because there is always a way for the light to be on when one of the switches is "up".

Posted by: cham | January 27, 2008 11:33 AM

"Like what you see?"

Posted by: noncarborundum | January 27, 2008 1:19 PM

I think it would probably look just a tiny bit less obscene in the "on" position (and when it's in the "off" position, the room would be dark anyway).

Of course, in a hall-and-landing setup, all bets are off because there is always a way for the light to be on when one of the switches is "up".

Color me surprised. On what part of the planet is "up" not the "on" position?

Posted by: James Lucas | January 27, 2008 6:34 PM

He Is Risen!

Posted by: MAJeff | January 27, 2008 6:52 PM

"On what part of the planet is "up" not the "on" position?"

My apartment.

Posted by: Chambermate | January 27, 2008 8:17 PM

Turn me on dead man

Posted by: bladeScythe | January 28, 2008 8:17 AM

Children know how to turn me on?

Posted by: PADPARADSCHA | January 28, 2008 3:01 PM

BET A MORMON DESIGNED IT!

Posted by: Jason | January 28, 2008 7:38 PM

Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Red or yellow black or white they are precious in his sight...

Posted by: Robert S. | January 29, 2008 2:32 PM

"Turn me on, dead man."

Posted by: bleh | January 29, 2008 5:02 PM

Christ has died! Christ is risen! Christ will cum again!

Posted by: Craig | January 31, 2008 4:37 PM

As the hymn says, "Stand up, stand up, for Jesus, ye soldiers".

Posted by: Tom | February 3, 2008 6:26 PM

Strange, I thought the christian way was that it was up when the lights where down. Did I miss something the pope said?

Posted by: Meg | February 8, 2008 7:03 PM

"spare the rod and spoil the child."

Posted by: CamiKaos | April 24, 2008 7:38 PM

"Just a little closer"

Posted by: tc | August 9, 2008 1:50 AM

how immature

Posted by: Karyn | October 3, 2008 5:03 PM

"Come little children ONTO me." Or the other way around.

Posted by: Snag | May 27, 2009 2:54 AM

Jesus: Paving the way for wayward Catholic Priests since 0025 A.D.

Posted by: funscience | February 8, 2010 9:47 AM

When my friend bought the house from her, we couldn't bear to mess with the kitsch