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PZ Myers is a biologist and associate professor at the University of Minnesota, Morris.
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Obedience. A religion of slaves. A religion of intellectual death. I like it. Don't ask questions, don't think, obey the Word of the Lord — as it has been conveniently brought to you by a man in a Rolls with a heavy Rolex on his wrist. I like that job! Where can I sign up?
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« Salvage Florida thread | Main | Evolution in 5 minutes »
Category: Weirdness
Posted on: January 25, 2008 9:57 AM, by PZ Myers
A reader sent me an example of religious kitsch, but just to be on the safe side, I'm going to have to put it below the fold. There's nothing obscene about the work in question, but I dare you to look at it and not have wildly inappropriate thoughts skitter through your brain.
I think we need a caption contest for this one.
Comments
Okay, just eeewwwww....
Posted by: George | January 25, 2008 10:01 AM
Jesus is the way, the wang, and the light.
Posted by: Brad | January 25, 2008 10:03 AM
How about "Flip my switch and be enlightened" Sorry.
Posted by: holbach | January 25, 2008 10:03 AM
For he is the Gloryhole, and the Light.
Posted by: Kerlyssa | January 25, 2008 10:04 AM
How does that old Hymn go...
"Jesus loves the little children...."
Yikes.
Posted by: David Spector | January 25, 2008 10:05 AM
"trust me."
Posted by: Marcus Ranum | January 25, 2008 10:06 AM
Suffer the little children to come unto me? Seems rather backwards at present.
Posted by: MartinM | January 25, 2008 10:08 AM
(said in the faux-Burns computer voice used by Wayland Smithers - a hat tip to fellow Simpsons nerds):
He-lo Chil-dren. You... are... quite.. good.. at.. turning... me... on..
Posted by: Steve Murphy | January 25, 2008 10:10 AM
What an interesting tidbit of kitsch
Iconography sure is a bitch
But I'm sure that the thrust
Of the thought is: You must
Turn on Jesus's love, like a switch
He said "I am the way and the light"
And his love is a beautiful sight
If you join with his flock, you
Will see--he won't shock you;
Turn him on, though, and maybe he might
Posted by: Cuttlefish, OM | January 25, 2008 10:10 AM
"Kneel down before me...."
Posted by: maxi | January 25, 2008 10:11 AM
Why are that little boy's hands in his pockets?
Posted by: Anon | January 25, 2008 10:12 AM
Spare the staff and spoil the child?
Great, the cyber cops are already at the door.
Posted by: Bruce | January 25, 2008 10:13 AM
Jesus is lust!
Posted by: Dan | January 25, 2008 10:14 AM
Well... given that the priests take wine as blood literally, we knew that sexual trauma and repression had to be "justified" somewhere too...
Posted by: dWhisper | January 25, 2008 10:15 AM
I'm worried where the girl's right hand is headed.
Posted by: maxi | January 25, 2008 10:15 AM
This...is...so...wrong.
Posted by: Der Bodenschatz | January 25, 2008 10:16 AM
"Get it out of the darkness!"
Posted by: kim | January 25, 2008 10:17 AM
I'll see your pedophile Jesus and raise you a Jesus dildo.
Posted by: Moses | January 25, 2008 10:20 AM
'Aw now the kids can see what I'm like in the dark.'
Posted by: Peter Ashby | January 25, 2008 10:26 AM
The "What Would Jesus Do" switchplate for Catholic seminaries.
Posted by: Mike Huben | January 25, 2008 10:27 AM
When I was about nine years old, my family and I attended a church in some remote village in northern New York while on vacation. The priest walked out before mass and said "Is anyone here an expert on electronics." As an amateur radio operator, I raised my hand thinking I could get God-Brownie points.
The priest said "Thank you, young man, would you mind flipping off the light switch over there by the door..."
Priests ... always trying to be funny.
So here are my entries:
"Let there be light. But always use a condom"
"Turn On Jesus"
"How many priests does it take to turn on a light bulb? ... "
By the way, I love the fact that the children on this wall switch (which I assume is a glow in the dark wall switch), are staring at the naughty bits.
Posted by: Greg Laden | January 25, 2008 10:30 AM
Priceless...
Posted by: sduford | January 25, 2008 10:30 AM
Are you the Light of the World or are you just pleased to see me?
Posted by: Stephen Wells | January 25, 2008 10:32 AM
Jesus light switch sez: "Children turn me on."
Posted by: H. Humbert | January 25, 2008 10:33 AM
I had a friend in middle school with one of those! His whole family was evangelical nutcases, of course. He loved it, but didn't understand why I cracked up laughing the first time I saw the dang thing.
Posted by: MexiPakiJew | January 25, 2008 10:34 AM
"I'm worried where the girl's right hand is headed."
To tickle the balls of thy lord!
Posted by: RAM | January 25, 2008 10:37 AM
New doctrine of The Resurrection.
Posted by: stu | January 25, 2008 10:38 AM
JC for AC.
Posted by: Peter McGrath | January 25, 2008 10:39 AM
Dang. H. Humbert got there first.
It's obvious it should be "Children turn me on."
Whew! "Kitsch" is the right word. In this photo, at least, it's even a tasteless dog-puke green.
Posted by: Hank Fox | January 25, 2008 10:40 AM
"Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me."
-Psalms 23
Posted by: gg | January 25, 2008 10:41 AM
Hey Jesus, I know how the verse goes, but I think this would actually be a good time to hide it under a bushel basket.
Posted by: DiscGrace | January 25, 2008 10:41 AM
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find;" flip and the light shall come upon you...
No? Okay.
"Split a piece of wood and I am there." -Jesus
http://equotes.wetpaint.com/page/Jesus+Christ+Quotes?t=anon
Posted by: David H | January 25, 2008 10:42 AM
Second choice:
"Gloryholes to God in the highest ..."
...
(Heh. Just puzzled out the lettering above the switch. I think it says "Honor Thy Father and Mother.")
Posted by: Hank Fox | January 25, 2008 10:44 AM
Kinda gives new meaning to 'coming to Jesus'...
Posted by: G | January 25, 2008 10:44 AM
how did the manufacturer/designer/consumer not see how horrible this is?
Posted by: JLem | January 25, 2008 10:45 AM
Kids, say hello to St. Peter.
Posted by: Bygones | January 25, 2008 10:46 AM
Notice how JC is gently "herding" the kids toward the, erm, member?
Posted by: karen | January 25, 2008 10:46 AM
The second coming?
Posted by: Michael | January 25, 2008 10:46 AM
Wow! That is awesome. All 3 of them are just staring at it! Why?!
I vote for the caption put out by #4. Perfect.
Posted by: LisaJ | January 25, 2008 10:47 AM
The penultimate verse of the bible seems appropriate.
Revelation 22:20 He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly. Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus.
Posted by: Richard Harris | January 25, 2008 10:48 AM
Spare the rod and spoil the child.
Posted by: umkomasia | January 25, 2008 10:50 AM
On the bright side, it's of the size one might expect for a god. A bit low, though.
If it weren't for the children.... Get a grip, Lord Jesus, Aphrodite would say "come in today," if you gave her half a chance.
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/2kxyc7
Posted by: Glen Davidson | January 25, 2008 10:50 AM
'c'mon babies, light my fire'
Posted by: toomanytribbles | January 25, 2008 10:53 AM
Suddenly the phrase "Get behind me Satan" is sounding worse in my head. Also Matthew 7:3 while we're making wood jokes "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in someone else's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"
Posted by: HumanisticJones | January 25, 2008 10:54 AM
Is that a loaf in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
Posted by: maxi | January 25, 2008 10:58 AM
Caption:
Kids, its time to "Flip Jesus' Switch" Hallelujah!
Posted by: Jefe | January 25, 2008 11:00 AM
I must have one. MUST.
Posted by: Rev. Ayatollah Mulla Fakir | January 25, 2008 11:00 AM
Have you NOT seen loltheist?
http://loltheist.com/2008/01/25/i-see-the-light
Posted by: Wom | January 25, 2008 11:00 AM
@35
Perhaps it's just niche marketing for Catholic Priests. Notice it says Honor thy Father and Something.
Posted by: Doug | January 25, 2008 11:01 AM
Adaptation from John 8:12
"Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he who turns me on shall not walk in darkness"
(replaced "followeth me" with "turn me on", which has a tickly feeling to it)
Posted by: negentropyeater | January 25, 2008 11:03 AM
Awesome... Is this real or Photoshoped? what were they thinking?!
Posted by: Ali | January 25, 2008 11:05 AM
Jesus was hung so that we may see the light.
Posted by: Moggie | January 25, 2008 11:05 AM
Joseph to Mary, "Jesus will come between us".
Posted by: Richard Harris | January 25, 2008 11:08 AM
"Jesus really turns me on."
Posted by: Castaa | January 25, 2008 11:09 AM
On the third day he rose again.
Had to go to a bible quotes site for the rest:
"What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean.'"
-Matthew 15:11
"'Come, follow me,' Jesus said, 'and I will make you fishers of men.'"
-Matthew 4:19
[Jesus said] "But if anyone causes one of these little ones to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea."
-Matthew 18:6
Posted by: J | January 25, 2008 11:09 AM
"I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus.
I want to feel his salvation all over my face."
-Eric Cartman, South Park
Posted by: Abby Normal | January 25, 2008 11:12 AM
OMG--I once rented a room in a house with a light fixture exactly like that! The former owner was an elderly Catholic lady who had raised six children in the faith. When my friend bought the house from her, we couldn't bear to mess with the kitsch, so I flipped that switch every evening.
Posted by: hilllady | January 25, 2008 11:15 AM
"Suck on it, Trebek. Suck it long, suck it hard."
Posted by: Jeb, FCD | January 25, 2008 11:19 AM
'...the guy who did the circumcision never worked again.'
Posted by: Peter McGrath | January 25, 2008 11:19 AM
Whatever happened to "Clap on; clap off"?
Posted by: Ahcuah | January 25, 2008 11:20 AM
With props to Robert Palmer:
"When I took you out
I knew what you were all about
But when I did
I didn't mean to turn you on
No, I didn't mean to turn you on
I didn't mean to turn you on...."
Posted by: Kevin | January 25, 2008 11:21 AM
"And this is how my Dad created light"
Posted by: Theodore | January 25, 2008 11:23 AM
"Come a little bit closer children. My rod -my staff will comfort you..."
or for the lol crowd -
"Erekshun. I has it."
It also makes me rethink the "suffer the children to come unto me" line.
And thus was how Jesus earned the nickname "Woody". Amen
Posted by: Jsn | January 25, 2008 11:23 AM
res-erection!
Posted by: Jason Seba | January 25, 2008 11:24 AM
"Two of every sort shall come unto thee."
Posted by: DaveX | January 25, 2008 11:30 AM
Feel the Power!
Posted by: Larry | January 25, 2008 11:31 AM
"Swallow it all, kids. Otherwise the priest has to finish me off."
Posted by: DaveX | January 25, 2008 11:33 AM
I walk on water, glow in the dark! weeee!
Posted by: emmanuel | January 25, 2008 11:35 AM
Here is my entry for the caption contest, in the style of Biblic intergalactical fanfiction (I mean, the Bible is a work of fiction, so you might as well embellish it a bit).
"In 33 AD, the ancestors of lieutenant Ripley watch in horror how a chestbuster chews its way out of Jesus of Nazareth through a slightly unusual route."
'Cause the switch represents an Alien, right?
Posted by: Luis | January 25, 2008 11:39 AM
"For he is the Gloryhole, and the Light."
Winner.
Posted by: Alan | January 25, 2008 11:42 AM
ok kids turn it on.
ok now turn it off.
ok now on ... now off ... on ... off .on.off...
Posted by: qedpro | January 25, 2008 11:42 AM
I'm surprised Gen. JC Christian, patriot, hasn't posted this. I'm sure he would appreciate this salute to Jesus' little soldier and enjoy being able to turn it on at the flip of a switch.
Cuttlefish's poem has my vote for best caption.
Posted by: Disgusted in St. Louis | January 25, 2008 11:43 AM
Hank, my guess is that the whole thing glows in the dark.
I'm not clever enough to top anything already posted, so instead I'll just pretend I have the right to vote on 'em:
First choice: #23
Second choice: #36
Posted by: Kseniya | January 25, 2008 11:43 AM
Hank, by the color I suspect it also glows in the dark.
Posted by: Monado in Coral Springs | January 25, 2008 11:44 AM
Have you ever seen those Jack Chick comics where God is pretty much a light bulb? This explains everything.
And with apologies to Peter McGrath -- I'd go with JC/DC.
Posted by: Sean Craven | January 25, 2008 11:46 AM
"The beginning of a glorious tradition."
Posted by: Steve | January 25, 2008 11:47 AM
Proof that Jesus is Catholic!
Posted by: ZacharySmith | January 25, 2008 11:47 AM
Shines more light on "The Second Coming of Jesus".
Posted by: Chemist | January 25, 2008 11:48 AM
"Hallelujah, He is risen!"
Posted by: Tulse | January 25, 2008 11:48 AM
Well, the masthead of this site *is*...
"Evolution, development, and random biological ejaculations from a godless liberal."
Go figure... ;-)
Can never get too much of this genre...
Posted by: Chemist | January 25, 2008 11:52 AM
"This little light of mine? Who are you calling little?"
Posted by: dannyness | January 25, 2008 11:55 AM
how about just playing Neil Diamond's " turn on your love light"
Posted by: denise | January 25, 2008 11:55 AM
"You can't touch this - it's the Sabbath!"
A professor once explained to me that he, as a child in a Catholic family, would make often make money on Saturdays when Orthodox Jews in his neighbourhood would ask him to turn light switches and other electrical devices on and off and pay him a few pennies for doing so. These religious types are barmy and, as capitalists, we should be finding new and unique ways to exploit their weird phobias for profit.
Posted by: Tom Morris | January 25, 2008 11:57 AM
Where's the little girl's other hand?
Posted by: slim | January 25, 2008 11:58 AM
I know Jesus loves me, but I just want to be friends.
(sorry, didn't invent it, just stole it frome some sig, maybe even here)
Or :
Come to my church, I'll introduce you to all the members.
Posted by: Christophe Thill | January 25, 2008 11:58 AM
Oh my gawd, I just spewed milk through my nose (figuratively). That's effin' hilarious!
Posted by: simian | January 25, 2008 12:03 PM
So wait...... getting Jesus turned on provides the energy to power the light?
Neat. Take that solar panels!
Posted by: Steve_C | January 25, 2008 12:03 PM
Nit-pick; The Neil Diamond song is "(Turn On Your) Heartlight". The other one is an old rock and roll standard, originally done by... I have no idea! I know of it as a Grateful Dead tune.
Posted by: Kseniya | January 25, 2008 12:03 PM
But, see, does the square peg go in the round hole?
Posted by: Matt M | January 25, 2008 12:03 PM
"Kids! Remember to put Baby Jesus to bed for the night!"
Posted by: Stwriley | January 25, 2008 12:09 PM
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Posted by: Quintana | January 25, 2008 12:13 PM
"Now children... witness the coming of the lord!"
Posted by: hyperdeath | January 25, 2008 12:18 PM
There is all kinds of this stuff that people with imaginations will have fun with but the makers intent is just to fill the room with as many reminders as possible.
They didn't even notice.
Posted by: peter garayt | January 25, 2008 12:19 PM
As a former Catholic altarboy all I've got to say is, Nothing new here.
Posted by: Brownian, OM | January 25, 2008 12:20 PM
"Hey, boys and girls! Wanna raise Jesus from the dead?"
Uh, oh ... I think I'm going to hell now!
Posted by: John Pieret | January 25, 2008 12:24 PM
De-lurking... "and this, children, is how to recognize a genuine priest"...Re-engage lurking device.
Posted by: Acidhouser | January 25, 2008 12:31 PM
"Switch on to the light of Jesus, and know love."
Posted by: dinoami | January 25, 2008 12:37 PM
Little Girl: "What is it?"
Jesus: "Touch it and see. It's ok, I'm Jesus."
Little Boy: "Pshaw. Mohammed's is bigger"
Posted by: Sam | January 25, 2008 12:39 PM
Let us prey!
Posted by: dubiquiabs | January 25, 2008 12:39 PM
Little Bill and Jane found Jesus that day, and that night, and the whole next day.
Posted by: coathangrrr | January 25, 2008 12:40 PM
So Jesus is Black?
Posted by: Mark in So Cal | January 25, 2008 12:41 PM
Boy: Jesus!
Girl: Why is your willy sticking up, Mister?
Posted by: CalGeorge | January 25, 2008 12:41 PM
The way the children are looking right at the holy member - this had to have been done as a joke by the artist, right? I'm sure it was sold earnestly by a company, but the person who actually made the kids looking there had to have known what he was doing.
Posted by: Curt Cameron | January 25, 2008 12:42 PM
c'mon kids. Pull my, umm, finger.
Posted by: Larry | January 25, 2008 12:54 PM
Oh, this makes me think of the bit from the wonderfully funny, satirical movie The Ruling Class where Peter O'Toole straps himself up in a cross and cries out "I am the electric Messiah! The AC/DC god!" (Sampled in the song Cooler Than Jesus by My Life With the Thrill Kill Cult.)
Posted by: Tlazolteotl | January 25, 2008 12:54 PM
How about:
Paul, Paul, it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.
Posted by: Scott Hatfield, OM | January 25, 2008 12:56 PM
Jesus of the Week has a delightfully tacky selection of Jesuses (or is it Jesii?) That includes the "Turn Jesus On" switch and this delicious item
There's also this wonderful reminder that you're only young once - unless you get a tattoo of a cutsie Hello Jesus Kittie. Won't that look so cool when you're 40.
Posted by: Quidam | January 25, 2008 12:56 PM
I would say that this is blasphemous and the guy who made this should be switched on and then permanently off.
Posted by: Sam | January 25, 2008 12:58 PM
The gift priests give to children to show them what they just did wasn't bad...and to bribe them to keep it hush hush.
Posted by: Autumn | January 25, 2008 1:10 PM
The sacred part of Jesus.
(To non-lapsed Catholics, the eerily lurking JC on top of the switch is Himself in Sacred Heart mode. Usually a 3ft high statue with a mournful JC opening His robes so the heart shows, wreathed by the crown of thorns with a crucifix sticking out where the plumbing normally emerges. There may be flames on the deluxe version. Classy Catholic houses in Manchester - those of us with a priest in the family - had the statue. Low-rent families just a print. Tacky families had one of those bonkers 3-d prints where Jesus' eyes would follow you round the room. The hands would touch the heart and do a blessing, too. I'm not making this up.)
Posted by: Peter McGrath | January 25, 2008 1:13 PM
Jesus, stop fondling the white children.
HJ
Posted by: Bing McGhandi | January 25, 2008 1:14 PM
Turn me on, dead man.
(Yes, Jesus is dead. And he was the walrus.)
Posted by: Donnie B. | January 25, 2008 1:24 PM
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Posted by: Todd | January 25, 2008 1:24 PM
The metal band Ministry said it best, in their song "Psalm 69:"
"And now, it's time to give a lil' love back to God!"
Posted by: Shawn | January 25, 2008 1:27 PM
I saw this at Scalzi's place:
http://scalzi.com/whatever/
and prefer his title, "Possibly the worl