…and this is a 
Fabulous!
Category: Weirdness
Posted on: March 26, 2008 12:46 PM, by PZ Myers
People patent the strangest things … like this Jesus doll.
The doll is provided with electrically conductive nails which when inserted through apertures in the hands of the doll, mount the doll to a provided cross and close an electrical circuit which illuminates the cross.
Cool. I'll go one better. Let's add another circuit in the side of the doll, with a little spear…and when you pierce his side, his eyes blink and his head spins around and pops off. It would be only slightly more tacky.
Comments
Okay, an OT comment, but it's another chance to beat up on Expelled. Movies.com is the only movie website to list Expelled as an upcoming release (IMDb, Rotten Tomatoes, and Box Office Mojo all fail to list it, a good indicator of just how little buzz the movie is getting outside the science/creationist blogosphere). On its listing page, they offer a reader poll asking you to anticipate how good/bad the movie will be. Everybody needs to head on over there and give an "F-vile"! :-)
Posted by: Martin | March 26, 2008 12:49 PM
I was wondering how long it would take for the USPTO to allow a patent for what is essentially an SPST switch. Next - a patent for a plague of locusts.
Posted by: gilacliff | March 26, 2008 12:51 PM
The "true" story leading up to the crucifixion of Jesus: Jesus knew the Romans were after his ass, so he decided to go into exile in Persia. His buds couldn't let him leave without a dinner party. So they divided up the tasks and Judas got assigned the wine. The party was a success and everyone was getting drunker than skunks when the wine began to run out. So Judas took what money he had and got some more. When it came time to go home, Judas started to fret. He knew his ass would be in the ringer when his old lady found out that he had spent the rent money. So he stopped at the local pub on the way home for last call and there he ran into a couple of undercover Centurians. And the rest is history.
Posted by: genesgalore | March 26, 2008 1:06 PM
The patent system is very broken and not only because of things like the electrocute Jeebus doll.
Posted by: afterthought | March 26, 2008 1:07 PM
These people are sick. They're not content with nailing their god to a piece of wood: they want to electrocute him too!
Posted by: Moggie | March 26, 2008 1:10 PM
Dolls like this have to cry and wet, or I'm just not interested.
Posted by: Sven DIMilo | March 26, 2008 1:16 PM
Sven, if it cries and wets along with completing an electrical circuit, that would be a Very Bad Toy indeed.
Posted by: Carlie | March 26, 2008 1:17 PM
There is one that wets, in a sense; there's this earlier one, cited in the patent application, that has circulating blood flow on the crucified Jesus doll (plus Jesus' head tilts up when it's electrified, and down when it's off):
http://www.google.com/patents?vid=USPAT7118242
You can't parody this stuff.
Posted by: Midnight Rambler | March 26, 2008 1:35 PM
How long before this catapults someone into a Darwin Award nomination when they see if it can walk on water in the bathtub?
Posted by: Gridman | March 26, 2008 1:38 PM
I want the Tickle Me Elmo Crucifixion doll. Elmo ungulates in laughter once his hands and feet are nailed to the cross. In this way, the joy of salvation is shared with the child.
Posted by: Janine, ID | March 26, 2008 1:39 PM
Somewhere in the attic I have a doll of "Kevin" from home alone with a sound chip that screams when you push a button.
I think I need to buy one of these and hack it to scream when you put the nails in.
Posted by: craig | March 26, 2008 1:46 PM
I'm waiting for the Ben Stein and Mark Mathis action figures. [PZ Myers and Richard Dawkins action figures--sold separately.]
Posted by: jeh | March 26, 2008 1:48 PM
"Elmo ungulates in laughter "
Ungulates?
Posted by: Rey Fox | March 26, 2008 1:54 PM
So this would be a flesh coloured Christ that glows in the dark, right?
Posted by: Ginger Yellow | March 26, 2008 1:56 PM
Well there is always this one
http://www.patentlysilly.com/
Its a bit more dramatic.
Posted by: Techskeptic | March 26, 2008 1:59 PM
I read the full patent application materials for the first jebus. It seems this patent is for a "new and improved" jebus. If I purchased an earlier, faulty jebus, should I ask for a refund or just wait for the resurrection of the one I purchased?
Posted by: psychman | March 26, 2008 2:03 PM
Come on, folks, & get voting on that movie 'Expelled'. Details on Martin's posting @ # 1 above. There were only 37 votes a few minutes ago, but most of 'em rate this crap highly.
Posted by: Richard Harris | March 26, 2008 2:04 PM
@Martin (#1)
...also, there's a tab on that Movies.go.com page that lets anyone post 'tidbits' (info and trivia) about the film.
Anyone care to jump in? :)
Posted by: Geoffrey Alexander | March 26, 2008 2:07 PM
Rey Fox, you are right to question me. I meant undulate. I have it when I screw up my jokes.
Posted by: Janine, ID | March 26, 2008 2:09 PM
What a great idea, PZ! Too bad you blew it by publishing it! You coulda had spinning-head lamp concessions at every creation museum! You coulda been somebody!
I'm thinking of a lamp that has Jesus turning water into beer -- now that's a lamp, as Dundee would say.
Posted by: June | March 26, 2008 2:10 PM
2008 Cultural Humanism Awardee: Greg Graffin
Posted by: quork | March 26, 2008 2:11 PM
Cool, lots of opportunities for cross-selling, where can I invest?
Posted by: Pete | March 26, 2008 2:12 PM
I heard the Torture Me Jesus Doll™ disappears from your toy box after three days.
Posted by: Pocket Nerd | March 26, 2008 2:20 PM
Don't have a cow, man.
Posted by: az | March 26, 2008 2:33 PM
I'm a Mechanical Engineer and I hold a US and foreign patents, and two things immediately jumped out at me while reviewing this patent: The extremely low number of Claims (just two?), and the mechanism for retaining the limbs versus the position Jeebus is in when you nail him down. The low number of Claims tells me that the patent is extremely weak, and the mechanism (as drawn) between the torso and the extremities won't allow the range of motion to allow Plastic Jeebus's arms to be held at right angles to his torso. It can be made to work, but it'll be exposed and ugly.
Take heart - Having a patent is no guarantee of success or financial gain, and this one certainly isn't worthy of either. I consider it a waste of the holder's money.
Posted by: Man of Science | March 26, 2008 2:47 PM
God bless you PZ, God bless you. May the light of Jesus shine upon you. (Well, that's what my uber-catholic mum would have said).
Consider yourself blessed!
Posted by: Tom | March 26, 2008 2:54 PM
At least they didn't beat me to the patent for my new product, DoubleWetSuit. At last, your auto-erotic asphyxia can be perfect with two wet suits in one!
I'm thinking a Jesus-shaped dildo would make a lovely accessory.
Posted by: Kyle | March 26, 2008 3:05 PM
Ungulate? Undulate? Would you believe...ululate?
Posted by: Ann | March 26, 2008 3:29 PM
Re: Expelled
Admittedly, I was double-voting, but if you'll click my name (below) and take a look, Safari and Firefox gave wildly different results for that poll, even though the votes were submitted literally seconds apart. Strange.
Posted by: Charles | March 26, 2008 3:30 PM
Does no one remember the Armor of God PJs?
As for Elmo, I wonder if you could get the toy's voice to cry "Eli, Eli, lama sabacthani" and then giggle as the stuffing pours out the wound on it's side.
Posted by: Michael | March 26, 2008 3:33 PM
In 1975, Mattel produced and sold the "Growing Up Skipper, Barbie's Little Sister" doll which, when one rotated Skipper's arm (at the shoulder) 360 degrees, the doll's torso "grew" longer and boobs to pop out on the chest where there were none before. The torso would "grow" shorter and the boobs disappear when the doll's arm was rotated in the opposite direction. Talk about "arm twisting"! Seventh grade boys loved this doll! The doll was on the market for only a short time. That it was even manufactured in the first place is amazing. What were those engineers thinking?!?!! Never mind. I know what they were thinking.
Posted by: dieselrain | March 26, 2008 3:57 PM
Sychronicity. Or something.
Just a couple of days ago some of us hootooers were discussing 'The Screaming Jesus Crucifix(tm)', here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/F19585?thread=4005961&skip=8500&show=20
How does one go about filing a patent?
Posted by: taliesin | March 26, 2008 4:02 PM
But how could you ever top this awesome effigy?
Posted by: Laura | March 26, 2008 4:19 PM
Sadly, Answer Me Jesus is out of stock, and discontinued.
:(
Posted by: taliesin | March 26, 2008 4:35 PM
Ungulate? Undulate? Would you believe...ululate?
Posted by: Ann
Undulate: to move with a sinuous or wavelike motion; display a smooth rising-and-falling or side-to-side alternation of movement
Ululate: to utter howling sounds, as in shrill, wordless lamentation; wail
I meant the first but I can work with both.
Posted by: Janine, ID | March 26, 2008 4:38 PM
My wife got a nice Easter card from the sunday school kids. It includes a chocolate cross.
Posted by: Jim Thomerson | March 26, 2008 5:56 PM
The Submissive Jesus is the best of the lot. Though this one is clearly intended as parody and not something serious.
http://www.prankplace.com/submissivejesus.htm
Posted by: Venger | March 26, 2008 6:53 PM
I feel vexed . Being from a third world country and having the privilege of knowing most of your's , I always took for granted your democracy was a model to be followed by other nations . Sorry to say , not so anymore . No teacher or state educational board would ever dream of passing such a rule here in Brazil . Faulty as our educational system may be , issues of religion or faith do not have room in our public schools .
I know it's not my place being a foreigner to criticize your country , but issues related to creationists an "ID"s really bring the worst out of me . I only hope the good work people like you and many others are doing will prevent U.S. from taking a regrettable back step.
Posted by: allkom | March 26, 2008 7:11 PM
This reminds me of the deluxe Harry Potter Broom that was marketed around the time the first movie came out. It wasn't just a prop - the sucker vibrated. The customer testimonials were... well, judge for yourself:
And so on.
"LMAO" doesn't seem to do it justice. :-D
Posted by: Kseniya | March 26, 2008 7:28 PM
They should make one that astarts singing "always look on the bright side of life" when you insert the nails - it could even do the little dance.
Posted by: Electric Monk | March 26, 2008 8:14 PM
How vachement chouette of Jeebus.
Posted by: Rick T | March 26, 2008 8:18 PM
For Kyle @ #27
My apologies to everyone else:
http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/toys/symbolic_dildos.html
Posted by: BGT | March 26, 2008 10:27 PM
Seriously, if you saw your kids *nailing their doll to a cross*, wouldn't you go looking for a child psychologist?
Posted by: Dzho | March 26, 2008 11:11 PM
"I have it when I screw up my jokes."
You have...what?
Posted by: Rey Fox | March 26, 2008 11:22 PM
Hey! Don't wait until it's too late. Get your "Dress up Jesus for Halloween" kit today.
http://www.merch-bot.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=29&products_id=1667
Posted by: psychman | March 26, 2008 11:24 PM
Rey, I am beginning to think you are picking on me.
'raspberry'
Posted by: Janine, ID | March 26, 2008 11:37 PM
And let's not forget Baby Jesus Merchandise!
$$$ KA-CHING! $$$
Posted by: k9_kaos | March 27, 2008 12:59 AM
Oh my, this is great. This information comes just in time - while searching through my childhood pictures last night I came across a pair of photos from my first communion (circa grade 1)... these are the creepiest photos you can imagine. Complete with a white robe, veil, gloves, and a big wooden cross. Electrocuting this jesus doll would make me feel much, much, better right now. Anyone wanna buy me one?
Posted by: LisaJ | March 27, 2008 8:23 AM
Did you see this?!? Baby Jesus Anti-Fornication THONG!!
http://www.cafepress.com/objectivemin.50869699
Posted by: Man of Science | March 27, 2008 10:38 AM
I don't see how I can stop.
Posted by: Rey Fox | March 27, 2008 12:27 PM
Now I am going to get Red from embarrassment.
Posted by: Janine, ID | March 27, 2008 5:51 PM