Pharyngula

Carnival of the Elitist Bastards #3

This is supposed to be the Carnival of the Elitist Bastards, a celebration of excessive arrogance and bare-knuckle commentary, where smart-assed brutes with swords for tongues receive their rightful acknowledgment. I have received two dozen requests for inclusion in the rolls of the Elitist Bastards.

Alas, not one has met my standards. This is the empty carnival, with nothing to celebrate. At least it makes for short work on my part, leaving more time to bounce the Trophy Wench on my knee and guzzle down a few pints with gusto. Now go away. I’ve got better things to do.

But wait…

What would a black-hearted bastard enjoy more than an opportunity to knout the knaves who have disturbed his rest? And what would an elitist find more satisfying than making his inferiors grovel while he delivers instruction? Read on, and I shall chastise those impudent supplicants who are not quite as elite and definitely not as bastardly as yours truly.

First of all, a general criticism. A true elitist bastard does not ask the host of this carnival for a place on it, he demands it — and at any sign of reluctance, he or she grabs the host by the throat, calls ‘em a dirty dog, and shakes until they acquiesce. Got it? None of this “Please, sir, notice me, please, I beg a wee nod of your attention” … it just pisses off any elitist bastard and gets you a cuff and a kick and a curse. Keep that in mind for the next host who I know will not put up with any mealy-mouthed, craven weaklings.

Now on to the list of slightly cocky poltroons who didn’t quite make it to elitist bastard status, in which each will be viciously horsewhipped for their inadequacy.

  1. This fellow, Aaron, sends me a link to some forum with an ungodly URL, and he expects me to pluck out his itty-bitty nuggets of vociferousness myself. Well, I will say this: he’s got the requisite arrogance. It’s not quite as great as mine, though, since I’m just going to sneer at his page full of boring forum entries and go get a beer before I close it for good.

  2. Annie gets a few brownie points for mocking M.D.s who are intimidated by nurses with doctoral degrees. Fine…but you don’t get exalted on the basis of brownie points unless you’re an 8 year old girl.

  3. So goesdownbitter can complain about problems exacerbated and exposed by the Chinese Olympics: artificially suppressed currency, corruption and favoritism, a rich/poor divide, an Olympics kept under control with a flood of troops, etc. But you know what? It sounds like they’re being run by a gang of elitist bastards, and I might have given China a place on this carnival, if they’d bothered to apply. They wouldn’t have sent me a list of complaints, either, but probably would have rolled up to my door in a tank.

  4. Here’s another goddamned podcast that talks about what it means to be elitist. Fine. But they start off with a group arguing among themselves about what it means…and the introductory music is some tinkly piano stuff. Come on — where are the electric guitars and the massive pipe organ and the cannons? If they expect me to listen for a whole hour, I want explosions. They could cuss a bit more, too.

  5. If you’ve been considering getting rid of your obnoxious neighbors, one way would be to use Homeland Security to haul them away. That’s a fine example of elitist bastardry, like swatting a fly with a howitzer. However, look at the url: hummingbunny.wordpress.com. Humming bunny? Humming bunny? No self respecting bastard would go around under the moniker “Humming bunny”.

  6. Teacherninja does quote an exemplary elitist bastard in a defense of intellectualism that calls for more forthright educators, but is disqualified on a technicality. Teacherpirate would have gotten a nod from me, but ninjas are effete sneaky bastards who need to be slapped down more.

  7. Efrique scores well on the elite part of the scoring — talking about math is always worth a few bonus points, although it shouldn’t — but his discussion of mathiness, or posturing about math, is too damned polite. He gets ranked as an elitist schoolmaster, but doesn’t quite achieve the status of bastard.

  8. Kobra has Aaron’s problem: just sending me a link to the totality of your output is arrogant, but isn’t going to grab my elitist eyeballs and slam them against hard evidence of your worthiness.

  9. All right, Gato Uno — your last line is good and blunt and first-rate, but you made me wend through a confusing exegesis of a Dylan lyric, and that makes me snarl.

  10. A short sneer against the stupid is well enough, Mr Örstan, but I expect some demonstration of stamina as well.

  11. GrrlScientist had a fine start in life, shouting “Goddamn you to hell!” at the age of four. I have to say that this piece approaches perfect elitist bastardry, but what can I say? She likes birds. Birds just aren’t badass enough.

  12. Blake translates one of my articles into Latin, which is truly, awfully elitist, but where’s the bastardry, huh? It’s also a bit of a suckup. I’m going to have to give him the interestingly dissonant title of Elitist Lickspittle.

  13. Are you mad, Madhu? You can’t possibly submit an an article in which you admit to being brought to tears by a conservationist and expect to be selected. Elitist bastards don’t cry; they are only allowed to squirt blood out of their eyes at their enemies.

  14. Well, Mike O’Risal, snarking at a woman who believes she is summoning angels is the work of a right proper bastard, and I give you full credit for that, along with the beard, but it’s setting the bar for elitism awfully low.

  15. Speaking of setting the bar low, reporting on the media mangling a science story isn’t hard. It’s also a noble and necessary function. Can I possibly call something this high-minded an example of elitist bastardry? No way.

  16. I don’t know: it seems like serious political punditry about whether John McCain should be regarded as a maverick or poseur — it’s too dang sensible. I expect more aggressive sneering from an elitist bastard.

  17. Oh, come on. Birds again? The only thing that’s going to think you’re a bastard if you’re netting an Empidonax Flycatcher is a little brown ball of fluff. It’s elitist, sure, but in a mannered, arcane way. Try again when your topic is how to disable a charging rhino by kicking it in the danglies.

  18. Wait, what do you mean…the right response to “I was always bad at math” is not “Well, I guess you’re just stupid”? Where’s the elitist bastardry in that attitude?

  19. Zombie Underground makes some justified criticism of recent horror movies. Definitely high on the elitist scale; the real bastards here, though, are the wretched producers who churn out low-grade idiotic schlock for a payday.

  20. No true bastard would write a lengthy paean to good science education without at least snarling fiercely a few times. Nothing but positive recommendations, and no suggestions that corrupt bureaucrats need to be boiled in oil?

  21. Philosophers? By a lawyerly lubber? Fine and nuanced as a discussion of the meaning of the term “Darwinism” might be, philosophers and lawyers are always going to be handicapped in any attempt to join the ranks of elitist bastards, especially if they’re going to be dabbling in nuance. Two-fisted brawling philosophers, maybe.

  22. You’ve got to despise the 911 truthers, but this isn’t elitist bastardry — it’s just minimal common sense and decency.

  23. Enshoku dismantles a bad argument against religious logic. What? Fairmindedness? Immediate disqualification.

  24. It’s a common touchstone of all modern elitist bastards to praise Enlightenment values. I guess it is a fine and appropriate thing for an elitist bastard to enthuse over reason, liberty, and secularism, but, well…ummm…I’m having to struggle to come up with an excuse to sneer at this one. Hey—making the host sweat to maintain his air of superiority is definitely sufficient justification for me to snootily reject the post

So there. I know it’s hardly fair to simply dismiss all the entries to a carnival as unsuitable, but, you know, elitist bastard. Maybe they can try a little harder next time. Or maybe they can hope that the next host isn’t such a bastard.

Comments

  1. #1 Enshoku
    July 27, 2008

    You are nearly two days late, you are more than a mere bastard, you are an asshat of the highest echelon.

    I however am more bastardific than all of you, I was born three times out of wedlock just so I could outbastardize you.

  2. #2 Zeno
    July 27, 2008

    Damn! I wish that I were an elite bastard! I guess I’ll just have to content myself with being the know-it-all super-guru to my less talented friends and colleagues. Poor sods.

  3. #3 Mike Haubrich, FCD
    July 27, 2008

    Get off your high horse. Perhaps your problem is that you just aren’t able to comprehend the beauty of these entries. You’re no supermodel yourself, Myers.

  4. #4 JohnB
    July 28, 2008

    GrrlScientist had a fine start in life, shouting “Goddamn you to hell!” at the age of four. I have to say that this piece approaches perfect elitist bastardry, but what can I say? She likes birds. Birds just aren’t badass enough.

    Depends on what kind of birds you’re talking about, PZ. one is as badass as they get.

  5. #5 Nobody
    July 28, 2008

    How appropriate. Elitism as hosted by the most elitist, middle-aged 12 year old in the history of the world, Paul Zachary Myers.

  6. #6 John Pieret
    July 28, 2008

    lawyers are always going to be handicapped in any attempt to join the ranks of elitist bastards

    Damn! And here I thought the bastard part came with the job description.

  7. #7 Enshoku
    July 28, 2008

    @nobody #5:

    Go to hell, if you wish to post on this message board you must show niceities and callus all equally elitist bastards. You don’t have to call me that however, as I am feeling merciful and will spare your poor soul the rod as long as you bow.

    geez, these blog carnivals do wonders for my humbleness, next thing you know I’m going to be demanding people to worship me… I think I’ll start with Ben Stein.

  8. #8 Name:
    July 28, 2008

    I posthumously nominate Henry Louis Mencken

  9. #9 tim Rowledge
    July 28, 2008

    I assert that it is most definitely elitist and bastardly of me to trump the cock-waving about using ones military rank in ones sigline merely by including mine.
    Lt.Col. Sir Tim Rowledge
    :-) Up yours gentlemen.

  10. #10 natural cynic
    July 28, 2008

    Don’t diss birds. They can be snooty elitists too, just take a look at this bustard.

  11. #11 The Science Pundit
    July 28, 2008

    Shouldn’t this be “The Carnival of The faux-Elitist Bastards” given your hollow delivery? You spoke all the right words for an elitist bastard, but they just didn’t ring true. I detected undertones of respect in your “elitist” descriptions of these posts. I would have expected better from someone who gets from tens of thousands to hundreds of thousands of views per post. Pathetic, I say!

    Elitist my ass!!!!!

  12. #12 dscott
    July 28, 2008

    hilarious entry in the tradition of maddox, except a little funnier.

  13. #13 Ron Sullivan
    July 28, 2008

    I’d be an elitist bastard, but I can’t be bothered.

  14. #14 Dana Hunter
    July 28, 2008

    You were channelling Blackadder there, weren’t you? I distinctly heard Rowan Atkinson’s voice…

    Nicely done, Captain! Now get your scurvy arse off of my bridge and buy these fine men and women something more elitist than the grog and pig swill they’ve been subsisting on!

    And then you get to scrub the decks with your own toothbrush for making me wait and worry all bloody weekend. ;-)

  15. #15 Ron Sullivan
    July 28, 2008

    Try again when your topic is how to disable a charging rhino by kicking it in the danglies.

    There’s a dangling assumption there about charging rhinos. A real elitist would have spotted it.

  16. #16 Alan Kellogg
    July 28, 2008

    Used a two penny nail to crucify a cracker, and he calls himself an elitist bastard. The real thing uses a railroad spike and makes the cracker drive it home.

    And for your information Mr. Myers, there is no God not because He can’t exist, but because nothing can be greater than you. GET IT RIGHT!

    (Self effacing ponce.)

  17. #17 Coinmaster
    July 28, 2008

    #15 That’s one snooty-ass bird right there :) That cracked me up.

  18. #18 Lee Picton
    July 28, 2008

    I flunked out of elitist bastard school.

  19. #19 Coinmaster
    July 28, 2008

    Damn, that was #10 . . .

  20. #20 Owlmirror
    July 28, 2008

    Birds just aren’t badass enough.

    Oi! Go corner a cassowary, and you’ll see “badass”!

    Also “bad12cmclaws”, “badyourownintenstines”, “badyourownblood”, and “badeverythingisgoingblack….”

  21. #21 efrique
    July 28, 2008

    Hilarious.

  22. #22 Kobra
    July 28, 2008

    Kobra has Aaron’s problem: just sending me a link to the totality of your output is arrogant, but isn’t going to grab my elitist eyeballs and slam them against hard evidence of your worthiness.

    You’re in total awe by my inherent superiority, insignificant member of the unwashed masses. Admit it. :P

  23. #23 Kobra
    July 28, 2008

    #1: We’re too good for schedules. Didn’t you get the memo, you pond-scum, you?

  24. #24 Aaron
    July 28, 2008

    You listed me FIRST?

    That is NOT early enough.

    Too much dilly-dallying around with spearing my trans-substantiated body with a rusty nail.

  25. #25 Breakfast
    July 28, 2008

    #4 — I’ll see your wussy harpy eagle and raise you the Bearded Vulture. Also called the ‘Bone Crusher’, it has a ten-foot wingspan and can — indeed chooses to — subsist on a diet consisting almost entirely of bones.
    http://www.cosmicharmony.com/Tibet/DalaiLama/BeardedVulture.jpg

    Ok, “hind talons up to the size of grizzly bear claws” is pretty badass, though.

  26. #26 Kobra
    July 28, 2008

    Inevitably, one of you low-lives is going to try to say, “I’m too GOOD for your elitist carnival so I didn’t send you my link.” Nice excuse– just kidding, it’s a horrible excuse and your mother is ashamed of you. You know, the town’s #1 hooker?

  27. #27 Felicia
    July 28, 2008

    #10 Don’t diss birds. They can be snooty elitists too, just take a look at this bustard.

    I think I’d place my bets on an albino peacock, myself.

  28. #28 Madhu
    July 28, 2008

    Tears of blood? Hmpf!!

    Of course they were tears of blood!! What other bloody kind would they be? Plain old salt-water? And you expect that on my blog?! Does one need to spell everything out for you, Myers?!

  29. #29 Enshoku
    July 28, 2008

    Cobra, you should know that being early means more time to gloat about how much faster you were than everyone else. How did you even make it through prick school with that kind of uppity attitude.

  30. #30 I am so wise
    July 28, 2008

    LMAO @ all the clowns old man Myers here is getting to jump through hoops here.

    For all the fawning you all do over him, Dawkins, and their peers, you have never noticed that evolutionary biology is a minor subset of the far greater discipline of History. The same goes for geology and astronomy to give additional examples.

    They’re the short bus riders of the great and glorious historical profession.

  31. #31 Brownian, OM
    July 28, 2008

    You know, the town’s #1 hooker?

    No, who is she?

    I didn’t know they had awards for that sort of thing. Who do they get to adjudicate? That seems like a fun event to be a seat-filler for. They probably don’t have a swimsuit competition. There’d probably be some kind of catwalk-in-fishnets sort of thing, though.

    I wonder who my town’s #1 hooker is.

    Anyways, what’s this post about? Don’t we get accused of having a carnival of the elitist bastards every damn day on this blog by petulant whiners?

  32. #32 clinteas
    July 28, 2008

    I want Dana Hunter back as Captain of the Elitist Bastard !!

    At least she’s hot,and she drinks Tequila !

    And Blake Stacey,whats with this Latin Fetish?

    LOL

  33. #33 Cujo359
    July 28, 2008

    this isn’t elitist bastardry — it’s just minimal common sense and decency

    Not common enough, I’m afraid.

  34. #34 Seventoes
    July 28, 2008

    The disadvantages of starting to read a blog with such a large following too late. I have no idea whats going on here :(

  35. #35 Martin Wisse
    July 28, 2008

    I’m sorry? You are asking me to submit to you for inclusion in your pathetic carnival? You ought to be crawling on your hands and knees over broken glass for the chance to even get me to look at it, just like you did when you wanted me to put your ghastly little blog with its declasse stunts put on my blogroll.

  36. #36 Damien
    July 28, 2008

    So, shifting topics slightly from elitist bastardry to immature jackassery, I’m trying to find the absolute most delicious alcoholic drink to turn into the official “atheist” drink.

    Something like “what god would allow this?” Or the “Darwin.”

    Any thoughts? So far I’m thinking the Zombie, the Scorpion or something even more ridiculously intoxicating.

  37. #37 Late Term Abortion is Fun
    July 28, 2008

    I agree with PZ.

    He is a bastard, who hasa bastardized science as a front for his own philosophical swill.

  38. #38 (='.'=) 386sx (='.'=)
    July 28, 2008

    Wow you guys are all morons! Me outta here pronto…

  39. #39 clinteas
    July 28, 2008

    @ 37 :

    One word : Killfile !!!!

  40. #40 Graculus
    July 28, 2008

    From some of the posts, I have to ask…

    Is it a genetic defect that some people are born without a sense of humour, or do they have it surgically removed later in life?

    oh, yes….

    *ahem*

    Avast ye scurvy dogs! Prepare to be translated into Latin!

  41. #41 scooter
    July 28, 2008

    I don’t have time for this adolescent crap

  42. #42 Goesdownbitter
    July 28, 2008

    http://goesdownbitter.wordpress.com/2008/07/25/clinging-holy-word/

    Had we known you’d cloak your late and feeble attempt at being in charge of the Carnival by passing yourself off as a scurvy dog at Disney, we’d have mutinied two days ago. Alas for you, true elitist bastards could care less what your opinion is; considering you’re not even on the ship, but peering down from your ivory tower. Besides which, you used the wrong post, you landlubber! It was supposed to be the link above called “Clinging to the Holy Word”. But then again, we all know that religion is not a fit topic with which to swab the deck. Ahoy there! Reefs to port bow! Move your lazy arses before this shiftless captain runs us aground.

  43. #43 science fiction writer
    July 28, 2008

    I am so wise said:

    evolutionary biology is a minor subset of the far greater discipline of History. The same goes for geology and astronomy to give additional examples.

    Sigh. No imagination at all.

  44. #44 natural cynic
    July 28, 2008

    We can actually go beyond elitist bastard into a whole new dimension with the quote:

    ID is not a mechanistic theory, and it’s not ID’s task to match your pathetic level of detail in telling mechanistic stories.

  45. #45 Kobra
    July 28, 2008

    ITT: Nobody knows how to sound pompous because we’re all humble little atheists.

  46. #46 John Morales
    July 28, 2008

    Humming bunny? Humming bunny? No self respecting bastard would go around under the moniker “Humming bunny”.

    And here I thought PZ had some clue.

    You know, I think I might forward this to Bun-bun

  47. #47 History...Bah
    July 28, 2008

    Bah, it is totally obvious that History is only a minor subset of the far greater discipline of Physics.

  48. #48 Atheist Chaplain
    July 28, 2008

    WOW, I’m glad now that I ran out of time to submit, I can see I have some work cut out for me when the Helm is finally mine, and I wish Blake Stacey lots of luck, and maybe a bottle or two of Tequila for the next sailing, PZ will be a hard act to follow. and for Blake “quisnam vere blandior” should be the Elitist Bastard Motto don’t you agree.

  49. #49 clinteas
    July 28, 2008

    Chaplain,

    I thought it was ” in vino veritas”.Or at least “audiatur et altera pars”.
    LOL

    Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres,quarum unam incolunt belgae,aliam aquitani,tertiam,qui ipsorum lingua celtae,nostra galli appellantur….

    There,2 can play that game !

  50. #50 John Morales
    July 28, 2008

    Seventoes @34: This is the elitist section.

    However, on a whim I take pity on your piteousness and direct you to the upper left of this page.

  51. #51 Mike O'Risal
    July 28, 2008

    Ha! You have swallowed my poison pill by including my article. The credibility of CEB is now destroyed by my little trick. I am the most superiorest blogger of all!

    Explained here, as I cannot bring myself to type further in the blog of an infamous cookie-abuser.

  52. #52 Peter Ashby
    July 28, 2008

    Dammit some other bastard beat me to the cassowary, hope it disembowels you as is their wont.

    As for badass eagles they didn’t come worse than the extinct Haast’s eagle of New Zealand. It preyed on Moas, the biggest birds ever.

  53. #53 LaTomate
    July 28, 2008

    I’m too elitist to be a part of some insignificant little club.

  54. #54 Brian aka hummingbunny
    July 28, 2008

    Eh, what did you expect from someone from Mini-Sota? A Golden Gopher pretending to be a fierce Cougar. Captain, err, Professor Myers, they all laughed at the hummingbunny, yes they did; all those Monty Pythons and the Holy Grails. Yes they laughed… and then screamed.

    It is never wise to underestimate a moniker, often it masks something sinister under that cute, cuddly fur. But then again, being that you’re still hungover from swilling bilge water and stuffing down crackers, it’s a wonder you could tear yourself away from the Trophy Wench long enough to belch out your dictation. What? You don’t think Captain Myers does his own dirty work do you? That’s what evil minions are for.

  55. #55 JoJo
    July 28, 2008

    That’s what evil minions are for.

    Shows what an iggerant, unedjumacted idjet you are. We’re not minions, we’re an ilk.

    But we are evil. Ask any of the crackergate godbots.

  56. #56 Heather
    July 28, 2008

    Great job, Captain! I plan to start reading this carnival regularly now.

  57. #57 JeffreyD
    July 28, 2008

    “We’re not minions, we’re an ilk.”

    I still prefer the sound of myrmidons. Ilk just sounds so panty-waisted.

    Carry on, all of you inferior types (smile)

  58. #58 J. D. Mack
    July 28, 2008

    PZ, what you really should . . . .

    No, it would take too long to explain. Nevermind.

    J. D.

  59. #59 Logicel
    July 28, 2008

    scrap of conversation heard over breakfast in Logicel’s household:

    Logicel: Wow, PZ wrote …
    Logicel’s mate: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, one of his best posts yet, clever, funny, and intriguingly to the point, throwing the philistines shit right back at them.
    Logicel: Well, well, well…
    Logicel’s mate: Look, do me a favor, when PZ writes a humourless, boring, fluffy bit of trite garbage, inform me then, OK?

    A way more important question than Why is there something instead of nothing? for me is why do religites have such a poorly developed sense of humor? I suppose it is because they regard having fun makes baby jebus cry or at least pout. And we can’t have a pouting baby jebus, it might turn the Catholic priests on.

    When I see their lack of humour, I always think of Umberto Eco’s, In the Name of the Rose. A whole monastery with its precious store of knowledge in the form of books must be burned down so no one can find out that Jesus laughed.

  60. #60 Logicel
    July 28, 2008

    yes, seventoes, google is your friend, some suggested keywords are pirates and FSM (I can only be helpful because I am a retired elitist).

  61. #61 decrepitoldfool
    July 28, 2008

    There are too few of us yet to boil them in oil, captain. Undermine them, call them as they are, dismiss them with a wave of the hand, and eventually outnumber them (or at least get a fellow elitist elected president). Then fire the cannons when we see the whites of their eyes…

    (Note to literalist god-botherers: that’s hyperbole. You’ll find it under ‘h’ in the dictionary. You can find one of those in a “bookstore”. No actual cannons will be involved, probably.)

  62. #62 Damian with an a
    July 28, 2008

    It goes without saying that I already know everything contained within this carnival and that I could have written each entry to a far higher standard. However, be that as it may, I will read some of it out of pity for those who spent so much time on something that I could have scribbled down while Jeeves fetches another bottle of Chateau Margaux from the cellar.

    Somebody has to share at least some of this with the unwashed masses, I suppose, but it’s fairly obvious that anything that I have to offer would be far beyond their level of understanding. I may provide something that I completed as a 6 year old for the next carnival, which should be just about simple enough for the most intelligent among you to grasp. Then again…

  63. #63 GunOfSod
    July 28, 2008

    “I am not only an electrical engineer, but I am also a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

    I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

    Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

    I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

    I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

    I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.” – Author unknown

  64. #64 jimmiraybob
    July 28, 2008

    Truly an almost very fine collection of would-be elitists and bastards. I wish I could feign some interest but estate matters beckon.

    Ta ta peasants.

  65. #65 ElectricBarbarella
    July 28, 2008

    I wish to nominate myself for “Elitist Bastard” (or course, that would be Bitch, since I am female). As you can see by my blog, I have the sharpest of tongues (on a homeschool journal no less), I do not mince words, and I do not worry about poor, weak minded egos being bruised. I’ve even quoted you a few times.
    Just a few blog entires to put up on your Carnival:
    http://electricbarbarella.homeschooljournal.net/2008/07/25/they-just-do-not-get-it/

    http://electricbarbarella.homeschooljournal.net/2008/07/23/one-million-moms-and-the-afa/

    http://electricbarbarella.homeschooljournal.net/2008/07/21/if-you-read-world-news-daily/

    Not only will you find that I am a Bast..,er, Bitch, of the highest caliber; but I am quite elitist about it as I am one of the only homeschoolers in my area that is NOT Christian and who openly chastises them for their insipid behavior.

    I demand that you allow me to grace the presence of those who came before me.

    (or be gentle in ripping me a new one. I like a little hard foreplay now and then, but I’m not in the mood today) :)

    Toni

  66. #66 Ben
    July 28, 2008

    Anyone truly elitist wouldn’t want to be in your poxy carnival. Groucho Marx had the right idea regarding clubs.

  67. #67 "GrrlScientist"
    July 28, 2008

    birds are not badass enough?? tell that to a T rex or, if you are part of that small misguided group of people who don’t think birds are dinos, then tell that to a terror bird!

  68. #68 Pastor Tobin Maker
    July 28, 2008

    I am the righteous man who first exposed PZ Myers and his trophy wife to the harsh light of Christian love and reason.

    I assume that makes me the most elitist b*stard here.

    Go to hell.

    In Christ’s Unconditional Love,
    Pastor Tobin Maker D.D

  69. #69 PhillyChief
    July 28, 2008

    You’ve clearly exposed your insufficiency, and thus your non-elitism by failing to recognize that an elite blog and podcast such as #4’s Another Goddamned Podcast doesn’t have to rely on gimmicky shit like explosions and pipe organs because it’s already awesome enough. Likewise with the cussing. A plethora of cussing makes one merely a scurvy vulgarian, whereas well crafted and well timed curses are the markings of true fucking artists!

  70. #70 Rob
    July 28, 2008

    SUDO recognize me as an elitist bastard

  71. #71 Annie
    July 28, 2008

    Well, first it’s birds, then it’s brownies. What is with the flight fixation, PZ?

    Brownies aren’t all sweetness and light, either….

    Otherwise known as gremlins or imps (small demon), size is relative and doesn’t matter when it comes to effect.

    Consider this small demon doing the work of Socrates.

    And consider yourself upset from your high horse, PZ – it ran out of the jump named brownie, ducked and sent you arse over ‘eels into the low swamp. *evil grin*

  72. #72 Breakfast
    July 28, 2008

    Grrlscientist, I saw the little human hands holding the Terror Bird skull on your blog, and I believe you are right. If this bird chose to be an elitist bastard, I would decline from objecting. Unless I were inside a tank or something.

  73. #73 Enshoku
    July 28, 2008

    @#65

    very well toni, I shall grace your website with my presence, however I demand 3 liters of blood per Christian you chastise. I you can’t get that, then get out of my face, you sniveling bitch.

  74. #74 Benjamin Franklin
    July 28, 2008

    Damien @ #36

    I’m trying to find the absolute most delicious alcoholic drink to turn into the official “atheist” drink.

    Obviously, given the recent events, the perfect atheist drink is, as I pointed out in a prior post is the Rusty Nail. Most assuredly, you are just a slacker for not reading all of the posts and not getting this critical information before expecting me to have to point it out to you again.

    You, of course, are so pedestrian that you would some kind of sloppish Scotch like (ugh) Johnny Walker in a Rusty Nail, instead of a proper single malt of at least 18 years aging such as Glen Livet, or Glen Moranguie.

    Or worse, that you are some proletarian scum who doesn’t even appreciate a fine whisky and snarfs down tequila until you vomit and collapse in a drunken coma amongst the vileness of your own excrement and putridity.

    Feh!

  75. #75 robin l.
    July 28, 2008

    Falconers in Mongolia hunt with Golden Eagles. They hunt wolves. If the bird survives its first hunt, it’s a made hunter for life. I’m not sure that I would want to hunt wolves, but I always thought that was incredibly badass.

  76. #76 ElectricBarbarella
    July 28, 2008

    very well toni, I shall grace your website with my presence, however I demand 3 liters of blood per Christian you chastise. I you can’t get that, then get out of my face, you sniveling bitch.
    ************************************************************

    Ahhh, my Dear Enshoku, while I am not the most prolific speller or grammarian in the world, at least if you wish to chastise me for my chastising of the Christians, then you should be more specific on **whose** 3 liters of blood you are demanding–Mine or the Christians? As your post is worded now, this is unclear–you demand “3 liters of blood per Christian I chastise”. Is that 3 liters of my blood per Christian, or 3 liters of blood(from anyone) per Christian, or 3 liters of Christian blood per Christian?

    In any case, since I am immortal (and to hear some tell it, very evil), I can and will provide 3 liters of blood, my choice as to where it comes from. Especially considering your “facts” on Christian homeschoolers are skewed and at best, lies; the least I can do for you is provide sustenance while you are brutally flogged for your insolence.

    Toni

  77. #77 If you found out, you would of course be killed
    July 28, 2008

    Oh… dear… how utterly boring. We told one of our household staff to find a group online where we might feel, for a moment, as if among peers. (As if such a thing were possible!… but it occasionally amuses to give them impossible tasks — especially when setting them against each other. Once, we arranged a bidding war with ourself for a villa or something somewhere… apparently, one of them killed himself because he failed to acquire… whatever it was… HRH actually smiled when we commented on it to her!)

    He is “privy chamber” so one might expect occasional competence, and we had dared hope… But this is what he finds? Some tedious… squid person… and his few sycophants. So few, he might even remember some of their names. How humiliating that would be!

    Ah, well. Having our own low expectations met is a small comfort: the only available, it seems. On the bright side, the creature’s wailing as he is taken away may, momentarily, divert… it sometimes does…

  78. #78 David
    July 28, 2008

    GunOfSod #63: That essay was written by Hugh Gallagher.

  79. #79 CortxVortx
    July 28, 2008

    A bit off-topic (and don’t know if it’s already been noted): church shooting in Tennessee

    Two twists: It was a Unitarian-Universalist church, and the shooter apparently had bad things to say about the Bible.

    How quickly will this be trumpeted as “typical atheist”?

  80. #80 bgbaysjr
    July 28, 2008

    Benjamin Franklin @ 74:

    Rusty nails are great, and the drink is not bad. Now that I have voiced my support for it as “official atheist cocktail” we can assume that the matter is settled.

    Re your “recipe”, though: I suppose one of the better “Glens” is acceptable, if that is all you have. But 18 yo? Ugh. In a pinch, I guess… I mean, don’t you have something flown in? Jesus.

  81. #81 bgbaysjr
    July 28, 2008

    CortxVortx at 79:

    In all seriousness: Yes, condolences to the families of the man and woman killed, and to those injured and their families. Sounds like this guy attacked because they were liberal more than because they were theists. (I mean, the Unitarian-Universalists! Not who you would expect someone who “hated God” would go after…)

  82. #82 Benjamin Franklin
    July 28, 2008

    bgbaysjr @ #80

    I suppose one of the better “Glens” is acceptable, if that is all you have. But 18 yo? Ugh. In a pinch, I guess… I mean, don’t you have something flown in? Jesus.

    Elitist Bastard!

  83. #83 Condescending to clarify a question
    July 28, 2008

    Is it a genetic defect that some people are born without a sense of humour, or do they have it surgically removed later in life?

    More accurate version: Is it that religion removes its victims sense of humor, or that only those born without a sense of humor who are unable to escape religion? (Or maybe some of both?)

  84. #84 teacherninja
    July 28, 2008

    Teacher…pirates? Surely, you jest, sir! You dare call yourself an elitist bastard? Let’s see…well-trained, silent and deadly ASSASSINS versus drunken, scurvied, peg-legged, buggary-prone, sea-faring thieves. I’m thinking the ninjas take the pirates AND the elitist crown.

    Thanks for the link you rum-soaked scurvy dog.

  85. #85 Sili
    July 28, 2008

    Read on, and I shall chastise those impudent supplicants who are not quite as elite and definitely not as bastardly as yours truly.

    Now, I usually find the nitpickity posts pointing out typoes and brainos silly and unnecessary, but in this case I do feel the need to interject, that my sources inform me that it is in fact spelt “1337” not “elite”.

  86. #86 Enshoku
    July 28, 2008

    I don’t even wish to sample the blood if you make the choice. I only drink the blood of babies who were born on February 29th, do you expect me to sip sip filthy vagrant blood like yours? I hardly think so. You may say that it is a lie that 9/10 children who are homeschooled identify as Christian, but it only show your own stupidity. I too wish the numbers weren’t that bloody high, as I happen to be homeschooled, but I swear some of my teachers are baiting me towards the Christian world view. These simpletons however, have no class and would suspend me simply for writing this post.

    Also, a bastard is a bastard no matter what sex you are, the founder of this silly little carnival is a female after all.

  87. #87 Les
    July 28, 2008

    I keep meaning to submit something to the Carnival of the Elitist Bastards, but then I remember I’m already a Stupid Evil Bastard and being an Stupid Elitist Evil Bastard would make things unduly complicated.

  88. #88 ElectricBarbarella
    July 28, 2008

    But Enshoku, My Love, even you said on my blog, that only “49% of them could be identified as Born-Again”. Which means, we still outnumber them. Granted, not by much, but if you want to split hairs, identifying ones-self as Christian does not make you a Christian, nor does it mean that you are a Christian Homeschooler. If the survey were done properly, it would have been able to properly identify each type of homeschooler there are, and it would see that the number they list as being “Christian” is highly skewed. The Barna Poll has since been proven to not be as accurate as it claims, and sadly, there is no other survey done to prove this.

    If by “Filthy Vagrant Blood” you mean “Blood of the Highest order of Blue”, then you would be denying yourself a healthy feast. But as I said, you did not clarify, in your original post, whose blood(exactly) you wished to “sip sip”. :)

    Therefore, I slit a wrist in your name, but only meager sized drops fall. That your thirst has not been satiated, is not my fault. You will have to find sustenance from some other whacked vampire.

    Toni

  89. #89 Enshoku
    July 28, 2008

    Do you really think the child needs to be born again to be about about the goodness of Jesus Christ? Do they need to be blessed to learn that I am jesus’s lord and savior, and am truly deserving of worship? I should think not, and for you to say so and not burst out with giggles must mean that your stupidity tolerance is quite high. Your blood does not satisfy me, but if you wish to appease me remember to slit down, not across.

  90. #90 ElectricBarbarella
    July 28, 2008

    According to some, a person DOES have to be born again in order to qualify as a Christian. The claim that they are is empty, to them, unless it was prefaced with the “sinner’s prayer” and the admitted acceptance of JC as their Lord and Savior.

    Now, are **you** trying to claim that you are JC’s Lord and Savior? I didn’t think the Ultimate of Ultimates needed saving, but I suppose with the type of followers He’s accrued, it would make sense.

    And silly, everyone knows that slitting across only prolongs the agony of Death. That’s why I’m not feeding you from MY wrist, but some poor sod (who deserves to be slowly tortured) I found clutching his “book” on the street corner, screaming at me about how I am going to Hell and all that jazz.

    Toni

  91. #91 Enshoku
    July 28, 2008

    Christian dominations all hate each other, and believe that XYZ has to be done before one can go to heaven. I say they can all be counted as christians if they wish, as it only makes their caste more common, and worthless. As for the chap who’s blood you shall spill for me, tell PZ I told him to get bent before you off him, I want his blood to boil. After that you should promptly kill yourself due to the fact that your unworthy eyes looked upon me.

  92. #92 ElectricBarbarella
    July 28, 2008

    While I do agree with you that all Christian DEnominations (although, your slight faux paux does make sense)despise each other and feel that everyone but them, is going to Hell; I’m not sure if I agree how worthless it would make them. I think, for our purposes, it would make them more worthwhile because it makes the bloodletting easier, as to who we might choose. You know–you either are or you are not. If you are, you bleed. :)

    As for telling PZ to get bent, since I am fairly new to his highness’s blog, I will refrain from pissing him off(just yet). Instead, I’ll sit back and watch others tell him to get bent, and as he’s bending-watch with joyful squees as he sneak attacks them with a right sharp pitchfork up their ass.

    As for killing myself, you will have to try a little harder to convince me to do so. Your appearance is hardly something one should go killing themselves over (unless you mean because you are truly a pitiful site to behold). Otherwise, I’d much rather keep my eyes and my life so that I may gander peeks at all the truly unworthy souls screaming in sheer and utter pain and fear, while they ride the Pitchforks O’ Doom being every so slowly and without lubrication, shoved so far up their asses they spit fireballs.

    Toni

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