Posted by This is supposed to be the Carnival of the Elitist Bastards, a celebration of excessive arrogance and bare-knuckle commentary, where smart-assed brutes with swords for tongues receive their rightful acknowledgment. I have received two dozen requests for inclusion in the rolls of the Elitist Bastards.
Alas, not one has met my standards. This is the empty carnival, with nothing to celebrate. At least it makes for short work on my part, leaving more time to bounce the Trophy Wench on my knee and guzzle down a few pints with gusto. Now go away. I’ve got better things to do.
But wait…
What would a black-hearted bastard enjoy more than an opportunity to knout the knaves who have disturbed his rest? And what would an elitist find more satisfying than making his inferiors grovel while he delivers instruction? Read on, and I shall chastise those impudent supplicants who are not quite as elite and definitely not as bastardly as yours truly.
First of all, a general criticism. A true elitist bastard does not ask the host of this carnival for a place on it, he demands it — and at any sign of reluctance, he or she grabs the host by the throat, calls ‘em a dirty dog, and shakes until they acquiesce. Got it? None of this “Please, sir, notice me, please, I beg a wee nod of your attention” … it just pisses off any elitist bastard and gets you a cuff and a kick and a curse. Keep that in mind for the next host who I know will not put up with any mealy-mouthed, craven weaklings.
Now on to the list of slightly cocky poltroons who didn’t quite make it to elitist bastard status, in which each will be viciously horsewhipped for their inadequacy.
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This fellow, Aaron, sends me a link to some forum with an ungodly URL, and he expects me to pluck out his itty-bitty nuggets of vociferousness myself. Well, I will say this: he’s got the requisite arrogance. It’s not quite as great as mine, though, since I’m just going to sneer at his page full of boring forum entries and go get a beer before I close it for good.
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Annie gets a few brownie points for mocking M.D.s who are intimidated by nurses with doctoral degrees. Fine…but you don’t get exalted on the basis of brownie points unless you’re an 8 year old girl.
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So goesdownbitter can complain about problems exacerbated and exposed by the Chinese Olympics: artificially suppressed currency, corruption and favoritism, a rich/poor divide, an Olympics kept under control with a flood of troops, etc. But you know what? It sounds like they’re being run by a gang of elitist bastards, and I might have given China a place on this carnival, if they’d bothered to apply. They wouldn’t have sent me a list of complaints, either, but probably would have rolled up to my door in a tank.
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Here’s another goddamned podcast that talks about what it means to be elitist. Fine. But they start off with a group arguing among themselves about what it means…and the introductory music is some tinkly piano stuff. Come on — where are the electric guitars and the massive pipe organ and the cannons? If they expect me to listen for a whole hour, I want explosions. They could cuss a bit more, too.
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If you’ve been considering getting rid of your obnoxious neighbors, one way would be to use Homeland Security to haul them away. That’s a fine example of elitist bastardry, like swatting a fly with a howitzer. However, look at the url: hummingbunny.wordpress.com. Humming bunny? Humming bunny? No self respecting bastard would go around under the moniker “Humming bunny”.
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Teacherninja does quote an exemplary elitist bastard in a defense of intellectualism that calls for more forthright educators, but is disqualified on a technicality. Teacherpirate would have gotten a nod from me, but ninjas are effete sneaky bastards who need to be slapped down more.
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Efrique scores well on the elite part of the scoring — talking about math is always worth a few bonus points, although it shouldn’t — but his discussion of mathiness, or posturing about math, is too damned polite. He gets ranked as an elitist schoolmaster, but doesn’t quite achieve the status of bastard.
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Kobra has Aaron’s problem: just sending me a link to the totality of your output is arrogant, but isn’t going to grab my elitist eyeballs and slam them against hard evidence of your worthiness.
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All right, Gato Uno — your last line is good and blunt and first-rate, but you made me wend through a confusing exegesis of a Dylan lyric, and that makes me snarl.
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A short sneer against the stupid is well enough, Mr Örstan, but I expect some demonstration of stamina as well.
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GrrlScientist had a fine start in life, shouting “Goddamn you to hell!” at the age of four. I have to say that this piece approaches perfect elitist bastardry, but what can I say? She likes birds. Birds just aren’t badass enough.
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Blake translates one of my articles into Latin, which is truly, awfully elitist, but where’s the bastardry, huh? It’s also a bit of a suckup. I’m going to have to give him the interestingly dissonant title of Elitist Lickspittle.
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Are you mad, Madhu? You can’t possibly submit an an article in which you admit to being brought to tears by a conservationist and expect to be selected. Elitist bastards don’t cry; they are only allowed to squirt blood out of their eyes at their enemies.
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Well, Mike O’Risal, snarking at a woman who believes she is summoning angels is the work of a right proper bastard, and I give you full credit for that, along with the beard, but it’s setting the bar for elitism awfully low.
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Speaking of setting the bar low, reporting on the media mangling a science story isn’t hard. It’s also a noble and necessary function. Can I possibly call something this high-minded an example of elitist bastardry? No way.
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I don’t know: it seems like serious political punditry about whether John McCain should be regarded as a maverick or poseur — it’s too dang sensible. I expect more aggressive sneering from an elitist bastard.
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Oh, come on. Birds again? The only thing that’s going to think you’re a bastard if you’re netting an Empidonax Flycatcher is a little brown ball of fluff. It’s elitist, sure, but in a mannered, arcane way. Try again when your topic is how to disable a charging rhino by kicking it in the danglies.
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Wait, what do you mean…the right response to “I was always bad at math” is not “Well, I guess you’re just stupid”? Where’s the elitist bastardry in that attitude?
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Zombie Underground makes some justified criticism of recent horror movies. Definitely high on the elitist scale; the real bastards here, though, are the wretched producers who churn out low-grade idiotic schlock for a payday.
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No true bastard would write a lengthy paean to good science education without at least snarling fiercely a few times. Nothing but positive recommendations, and no suggestions that corrupt bureaucrats need to be boiled in oil?
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Philosophers? By a lawyerly lubber? Fine and nuanced as a discussion of the meaning of the term “Darwinism” might be, philosophers and lawyers are always going to be handicapped in any attempt to join the ranks of elitist bastards, especially if they’re going to be dabbling in nuance. Two-fisted brawling philosophers, maybe.
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You’ve got to despise the 911 truthers, but this isn’t elitist bastardry — it’s just minimal common sense and decency.
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Enshoku dismantles a bad argument against religious logic. What? Fairmindedness? Immediate disqualification.
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It’s a common touchstone of all modern elitist bastards to praise Enlightenment values. I guess it is a fine and appropriate thing for an elitist bastard to enthuse over reason, liberty, and secularism, but, well…ummm…I’m having to struggle to come up with an excuse to sneer at this one. Hey—making the host sweat to maintain his air of superiority is definitely sufficient justification for me to snootily reject the post
So there. I know it’s hardly fair to simply dismiss all the entries to a carnival as unsuitable, but, you know, elitist bastard. Maybe they can try a little harder next time. Or maybe they can hope that the next host isn’t such a bastard.
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