…and this is a 
IT'S A FRACKIN’ CRACKER!
Category: Religion • Stupidity
Posted on: July 8, 2008 8:05 PM, by PZ Myers
There are days when it is agony to read the news, because people are so goddamned stupid. Petty and stupid. Hateful and stupid. Just plain stupid. And nothing makes them stupider than religion.
Here's a story that will destroy your hopes for a reasonable humanity.
Webster Cook says he smuggled a Eucharist, a small bread wafer that to Catholics symbolic of the Body of Christ after a priest blesses it, out of mass, didn't eat it as he was supposed to do, but instead walked with it.
This isn't the stupid part yet. He walked off with a cracker that was put in his mouth, and people in the church fought with him to get it back. It is just a cracker!
Catholics worldwide became furious.
Would you believe this isn't hyperbole? People around the world are actually extremely angry about this — Webster Cook has been sent death threats over his cracker. Those are just kooks, you might say, but here is the considered, measured response of the local diocese:
"We don't know 100% what Mr. Cooks motivation was," said Susan Fani a spokesperson with the local Catholic diocese. "However, if anything were to qualify as a hate crime, to us this seems like this might be it."
We just expect the University to take this seriously," she added "To send a message to not just Mr. Cook but the whole community that this kind of really complete sacrilege will not be tolerated."
Wait, what? Holding a cracker hostage is now a hate crime? The murder of Matthew Shephard was a hate crime. The murder of James Byrd Jr. was a hate crime. This is a goddamned cracker. Can you possibly diminish the abuse of real human beings any further?
Well, you could have a priest compare this event to a kidnapping.
"It is hurtful," said Father Migeul Gonzalez with the Diocese. "Imagine if they kidnapped somebody and you make a plea for that individual to please return that loved one to the family."
Gonzalez said the Diocese is willing to meet with Cook and help him understand the importance of the Eucharist in hopes of him returning it. The Diocese is dispatching a nun to UCF's campus to oversee the next mass, protect the Eucharist and in hopes Cook will return it.
I like the idea of sending a scary nun to guard the ceremony at the next mass. But even better…let's send Webster Cook to hell!
Gonzalez said intentionally abusing the Eucharist is classified as a mortal sin in the Catholic church, the most severe possible. If it's not returned, the community of faith will have to ask for forgiveness.
"We have to make acts of reparation," Gonzalez said. "The whole community is going to turn to prayer. We'll ask the Lord for pardon, forgiveness, peace, not only for the whole community affected by it, but also for [Cook], we offer prayers for him as well."
Get some perspective, man. IT'S A CRACKER.
And of course, Bill Donohue is outraged (I know, Donohue is going to die of apoplexy someday when a gnat violates his oatmeal, so this isn't saying much).
For a student to disrupt Mass by taking the Body of Christ hostage--regardless of the alleged nature of his grievance--is beyond hate speech. That is why the UCF administration needs to act swiftly and decisively in seeing that justice is done. All options should be on the table, including expulsion.
Oh, beyond hate speech. Where does this fit on the Shoah scale, Bill? It shouldn't even register, but here is Wild-Eyed Bill the Offended calling for the expulsion of a student…for not swallowing a cracker.
Would you believe that the mealy-mouthed president of the university, John Hitt, is avoiding defending his student is instead playing up the importance of the Catholic church to the university? Of course you would. That's what university presidents do. Bugger the students, keep the donors and the state reps happy.
Unfortunately, Webster Cook has now returned the cracker. Why?
Webster just wants all of this to go away. Especially now that he feels his life is in danger.
That's right. Crazy Christian fanatics right here in our own country have been threatening to kill a young man over a cracker. This is insane. These people are demented fuckwits. And Cook is not out of the fire yet — that Fox News story ends with an open incitement to cause him further misery.
University officials said, that as for right now, Webster Cook is not in trouble. If anyone or any group wants to file a formal complaint with the University through the student judicial system, they can. If that happens, Webster will go through a hearing either in front of an administrative panel or a panel of his peers.
Got that? If you don't like what Webster Cook did, all you have to do is complain to the university, and they will do the dirty work for you of making his college experience miserable. And don't assume the university would support Cook; the college is now having armed university police officers standing guard during mass.
I find this all utterly unbelievable. It's like Dark Age superstition and malice, all thriving with the endorsement of secular institutions here in 21st century America. It is a culture of deluded lunatics calling the shots and making human beings dance to their mythical bunkum.
So, what to do. I have an idea. Can anyone out there score me some consecrated communion wafers? There's no way I can personally get them — my local churches have stakes prepared for me, I'm sure — but if any of you would be willing to do what it takes to get me some, or even one, and mail it to me, I'll show you sacrilege, gladly, and with much fanfare. I won't be tempted to hold it hostage (no, not even if I have a choice between returning the Eucharist and watching Bill Donohue kick the pope in the balls, which would apparently be a more humane act than desecrating a goddamned cracker), but will instead treat it with profound disrespect and heinous cracker abuse, all photographed and presented here on the web. I shall do so joyfully and with laughter in my heart. If you can smuggle some out from under the armed guards and grim nuns hovering over your local communion ceremony, just write to me and I'll send you my home address.
Just wait. Now there'll be a team of Jesuits assigned to rifle through my mail every day.
Comment thread closed due to excessive length, but you may continue here.
Politics
Comments
Posted by: andyo | July 8, 2008 8:11 PM
Yeah, instead of keeping it (safe), he should just have ate it, chewed it, and pooped it. That's how you don't abuse a cracker!
Posted by: Doug | July 8, 2008 8:12 PM
What's the big deal? You can order these crackers online in bulk. The orders can even come with little cups of wine.
http://www.churchpartner.com/store/customer/cat-490.html
Posted by: Turdus | July 8, 2008 8:13 PM
Well sir, if it is that easy, I am going to get me my own cracker!
Posted by: Wowbagger | July 8, 2008 8:13 PM
For fun, obtain thousands of the exact same cracker from the manufacturer, and then add said stolen cracker to a pile - then invite the clergy and the concerned parishioners to pick out which it is.
If it's special, surely there's some way of discerning that?
Posted by: Michael Russell | July 8, 2008 8:13 PM
Well, this is a community that believes that every sperm is sacred...
Posted by: Ericka | July 8, 2008 8:14 PM
So that's what the flesh of Jesus looks like...
I always wondered...
Posted by: Mena | July 8, 2008 8:14 PM
But christianity is not insane like those muslims who riot over teddy bears and who PZ doesn't dare insult in fear of bodily harm. [/snark]
Posted by: Dennis N | July 8, 2008 8:17 PM
This is the most ridiculous thing I've seen since I started reading Pharyngula. It's a cracker. It's not even a very good cracker, like a Cheez-it.
Posted by: kestrien | July 8, 2008 8:17 PM
My mom used to drag me to church all the time while she set up the day before, and I used to pop them as snacks while she was busy. They're actually pretty darn bland. A little salt, maybe some shrimp paste and I bet they'd be delicious.
Posted by: Turdus | July 8, 2008 8:18 PM
Wowbagger @#4 - BRILLIANT!
Posted by: Ken Cope | July 8, 2008 8:19 PM
I think we should use the link from Doug at #2 and mail as many crackers as possible to whatever religious loony bin is having the vapors, going all, "No, I am Spartacus," claiming to be Webster Cook's returned communion cracker.
Those fuckwits worship an imaginary asshat who told his acolytes, "Eat me," and his name wasn't even Michael Valentine Smith. They give these gomers drivers licenses and guns, too.
Posted by: andyo | July 8, 2008 8:19 PM
By the way, this is the perfect news item for all catholics worldwide who don't know what transubstantiation means (there are quite a lot) or how they are supposed to believe it (if they know what it is, they don't realize it's supposed to be literal--a.k.a. cannibalism), to scream collectively: W T F ? Do you mean we're supposed to believe that?!
Posted by: cathi | July 8, 2008 8:21 PM
mmmmm ... Christ Crispies.
Posted by: Wowbagger | July 8, 2008 8:21 PM
Catholics
We're crackers for Jesus!
Posted by: Danley | July 8, 2008 8:22 PM
The world is insane and I must now end my life. Goodbye tards.
Posted by: SteveWH | July 8, 2008 8:22 PM
@Doug (#2)
The big deal is that Catholics believe in transubstantiation - when the priest blesses the cracker during mass, it literally becomes the body of Jesus. The physical properties all remain the same, but the wafer's essence (it's "substance") changes. The wafer isn't a symbol of Jesus - it is Jesus. No metaphor or poetic imagination - physical transmutation to a piece of the divine
(and yet Catholics I know get upset when I point out that they practice ritualized cannibalism). As far as they're concerned, he stole a part of Jesus.
Posted by: amphiox | July 8, 2008 8:23 PM
Hmm. When I was a kid, I went to a Catholic School, and getting the eucharist was my favorite part of church because I got something to eat!
Posted by: The Science Pundit | July 8, 2008 8:23 PM
Host desecration: the greatest sin in Roman Catholicism. How pathetic!
I'm familiar with this madness. That's why I did my Blasphemy Challenge with a stolen cracker. :-D Of course, I didn't get anywhere near the backlash. :-(
Posted by: Bob Russell | July 8, 2008 8:25 PM
It is certainly sacred when it gets pooped out...I'm sure I've Jesus in the toilet bowl more than once...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale
Posted by: Dennis N | July 8, 2008 8:26 PM
Transubstantiation doesn't make any sense. It's like the trinity. As SteveWH explains:
It's substance is still a cracker. There is no such thing as essence, it's just an apologetic for why it's still a cracker.
Posted by: sailor | July 8, 2008 8:26 PM
I think I should crying, but reading this whole thing just has me convulsed with laughter. If anyone want to show that Xtians are just as whacky and dumb as other radical fundamentalists, I think they have it.
Wowblogger (#4) good idea but you better have a special mark on it or they will claim they have found the right one by divine insiration. When you point out it was not the blessed one, they would probably claim that Jesus transfered himself from one to the other. Anyone that believes a blessed cracker is turning into flesh, is clearly really crazy or high on illegal substances.
Posted by: CanadianChick | July 8, 2008 8:27 PM
jeez - imagine what they'd do if they knew I had a tub of the things leftover from a BlasphemyParty where we mixed them with Bits 'n' Bites.
We WERE going to use spray cheese (which isn't available here) but the guy bringing it got delayed...
(ok, in the tubs, they're not yet consecrated - but really, how hard is it to bless some wafers???)
Seriously, this is deranged. Holding the body of christ hostage?? WTF?
Posted by: Wowbagger | July 8, 2008 8:27 PM
I'd love a bold newspaper editor to title the article Wacky cult wants magic biscuit back and tell the exact same story with a few changes to exclude any references to Catholicism or Christianty until the very end.
No doubt all the Christers would be laughing their asses off at such patently stupid behaviour - until they realised what was going on.
Posted by: defectiverobot | July 8, 2008 8:28 PM
All due respect to Mr. Webster, I wasn't so much frightened by this story as I was amused. No, no, "amused" is not strong enough. This was fucking hilarious. Far funnier than posting your vote on e-Bay!
Mr. Webster, hats off to you sir! I'm sorry you had to go through that hell (and I hope you see the error of your ways!), but it was so worth it for exposing the utterly ridiculous nature of that--er, any--religion.
Posted by: MAJeff, OM | July 8, 2008 8:29 PM
The body of Christ compels you to get a little bit of brie.
Posted by: Bob Russell | July 8, 2008 8:29 PM
I know I've screamed Jesus Christ more than once when the 'roids bothered me....body and blood of Christ!!!!
Posted by: andyo | July 8, 2008 8:31 PM
Bob Russell #19,
It's even been documented.
Posted by: MAJeff, OM | July 8, 2008 8:32 PM
I know, Donohue is going to die of apoplexy someday when a gnat violates his oatmeal, so this isn't saying much
BREED MORE GNATS!
Posted by: jrochest | July 8, 2008 8:32 PM
When two Catholic friends of mine got married, a very devout relation sent them a host (the cracker) as a wedding gift, neatly packaged in a little envelope, rather like one of those money mailer things.
Unfortunately, Canada Post did its usual irreverent handling of the envelope, and when my friend opened it all that remained were, as she put it, "Little Bits of Jesus, EVERYWHERE".
They got quite giggly trying to figure out what to do: sweep it up? But what if they missed a bit, and trod on it? Reverently vacuum? But then, what to do with the vacuum cleaner bag? The cat ate some of it, before they could stop him: did this make the cat part of the Catholic Communion?
All in all, they were quite relieved to discover that it wasn't consecrated (even though they are both VERY secular, now divorced, and one is gay)
Posted by: llewelly | July 8, 2008 8:32 PM
Uh ... this brings whole new meaning to 'biological ejaculations from a godless liberal'Posted by: Blake Stacey | July 8, 2008 8:33 PM
Yep, that's librul academia for ya.
Posted by: Jeph | July 8, 2008 8:34 PM
When my Catholic wife was married to Atheist me by a Methodist minister, the church denied her the Eucharist until we jumped through the appropriate hoop with them. It was a very Medieval experience. If you don't obey the Pope, you can't have any Jesus! How can you have any Jesus, if you don't obey the Pope?
Posted by: thalarctos | July 8, 2008 8:34 PM
And of course you'll have heard about the new low-fat communion wafers: "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus®!".
Posted by: Grumpy | July 8, 2008 8:35 PM
Contra the thread title, it's a God-blessed cracker.
Which raises the question, couldn't the priest have un-blessed it? The eucharistic version of "shoot the hostage."
Posted by: llewelly | July 8, 2008 8:35 PM
Oh, by the way, PZ, you should get the cracker tested for Jesus DNA, and other evidence of transubstantiation. If you find any Jesus flesh, please clone a few cells and grow a blastocyst and hybridize it with a squid or something.
Posted by: Jose | July 8, 2008 8:35 PM
As they dragged him away to Catholic jail, he yelled "Eucharist crackers are made of stem cells! They're made of stem cells!!!"
Posted by: Wowbagger | July 8, 2008 8:35 PM
Can someone explain how it can constitutes a 'hate crime'? Isn't a hate crime an otherwise normal crime committed out of or motivated by hate? Technically, he hasn't committed a 'crime' in the first place - the cracker was given to him; he didn't steal it. Once it's in his hands he can do what he damned well (pun intended) wants with it.
Posted by: Colugo | July 8, 2008 8:36 PM
1) In the Middle Ages Jews were executed for allegedly 'torturing the host.' It was believed that Jews stole consecrated host wafers and tortured them, causing them to spurt blood in agony.
2) There are holy relics which are purported to be host wafers that turned into actual flesh. I know, the host is supposed to be flesh, but in these cases it was flesh in appearance as well.
3) The argument over whether or not the host is literally God is one of the main theological divisions between Catholicism and Protestantism for which countless people died in sectarian wars. In the presence of the host Catholics are worshiping it as God, not just as an icon that represents God.
Posted by: Holbach | July 8, 2008 8:37 PM
Ha, I wish he had held it up and pointed a spray can of Cheese Whiz at it and said; "If you come any closer I'll turn it into a Ritz cracker and throw it to the squirrels! Here is just an example that politeness and tolerance are just wasted on religious retards.
Posted by: Randy Stimpson aka Intelligent Designer | July 8, 2008 8:38 PM
What Cook did was just plain stupid and disrespectful. I could walk down the street and start calling every black person I see a nigger. Eventually one of them will overreact and kick my ass or possibly even worse. Does that make all black people a bunch of fuckwits? I mean what is worse -- being called a nigger or getting the crap beat out of you?
If you make it a hobby to disrepect people you will get hurt -- and the people that hurt you don't have to be religious fanatics. They just have to be "human".
Posted by: Ken Cope | July 8, 2008 8:39 PM
Who's got a prescription for some medicinal marijuana? The recipe for a Leary Biscuit calls for a Ritz cracker, but wouldn't it be heavenly with a communion wafer?
Posted by: BobbyEarle | July 8, 2008 8:39 PM
"Everything is good, when it sits on a Ritz."
Hey, jebus...get off of my appetizer.
Posted by: Blake Stacey | July 8, 2008 8:39 PM
Oh, yeah, I'm also eagerly awaiting the sage advice from the McGrath/Craig brand of "enlightened" theologians, urging tolerance, forgiveness and a moderate view of the importance of a cracker.
When I hear that, I think I'll eat flying bacon to celebrate.
Posted by: jrochest | July 8, 2008 8:40 PM
Oh, and the Anglican church (which doesn't believe in Transubstantiation, but still uses the same wafer) gets around the "people stealing the consecrated host" problem by feeding it to you -- sticking it on your tongue -- and using wafers that pretty much dissolve on contact with water.
So you could get out of the church with one in your mouth, but it would be a soggy bit 'o Jesus, not in the least bit useful as a foil for the Brie.
Posted by: Yoo | July 8, 2008 8:41 PM
Even if the cracker really was the body of Christ (ludicrous, but just for the sake of argument), who do these people think they are? How could they dare say that Jesus can't take care of himself. Do they think they're above Jesus Christ?!?
(Or at least I would say so if I were a Christian ...)
Posted by: Wowbagger | July 8, 2008 8:41 PM
Jeph #32 wrote:
Props on the Pink Floyd The Wall reference - if that's what it is. Though if it's not it's still funny...
Posted by: Carlie | July 8, 2008 8:41 PM
Christ on a cracker! Always wondered where that curse came from. I never realized there was a tiny Jesus stamped on each one of those - us simple Protestant folk only use regular little plain crackers.
I read in "Running from the Devil" (GREAT book, everyone go read it) that one of the altar boys' jobs was to eat the host if someone tried to break in and steal it. I was like WTF? Now, I believe it.
Posted by: Bronze Dog | July 8, 2008 8:42 PM
WHAT.
THE.
FRELL?!
I knew our local brand of fundie was insane, but this takes it beyond any level I've previously seen.
Posted by: alec | July 8, 2008 8:44 PM
So:
(1) Webster Cook doing this is kind of asinine. At best, he made an honest mistake; at worst, he's one of those pissants who wouldn't dream of doing something as terrible and sacrilegious as pissing in the Protestants' grape juice but considers his shit too good for those Papists' wine.
(The Catholic League and other intra-Religious Right liasions aside, Catholics in America tend to be pretty reasonable - they, like most minority religions, fall somewhere on the left. A lot of the agitators here at Fox etc. are from different, more insane sects.)
Basically, there are a lot of evangelicals who are going to make a big deal out of this simply because the media image of it is someone doing something anti-Christian. They exploit this kind of crap to the ground - and they'll do it in the name of a religious sect that generally wants nothing to do with bullshit like this.
(2) It's worth noting that much more severe acts of desecration have been carried out against Muslims - those damn cartoons, some asshole flushing one of their holy books - and the response didn't include a concerted attempt to destroy the perpetrators' lives, major news networks overtly calling for them to be lynched, etc.
Long story short, this is as good evidence as you could ever ask for that our domestic Christianist phalange will do shit more radical than anyone in the Middle East could get away with, and it'll do it in the name of religious groups it otherwise wishes the US could make illegal.
If there's one appeal I can make to you, it's this - don't let Donohue make this into a Catholic thing, and don't let the evangelical and charismatic loons get away with pretending to speak for Catholics. And don't make a martyr out of some jackass who felt compelled to screw with a religious congregation over something this unimportant. It wasn't an act of protest and it wasn't a stumbling block to religious oppression; all it did was fumblingly throw the Catholic community one unfortunate step closer to the dour, vile theocrats who dominate the hard right in America.
This guy pulled a stupid stunt for no good reason - one that's pretty damned offensive in context - and not only are the Christofascists trying to make a mountain of pan-Christian sacrilege out of a single stupid stunt, but you're playing along with them. Please don't; we don't need another asinine culture battle and if we did it shouldn't be over something this unimportant.
Posted by: SC | July 8, 2008 8:44 PM
He's kidnapped Jesus! He's holding Him hostage!
This goes well beyond the TBS. I'm quite certain silentsanta would authorize torture in these circumstances.
Posted by: alec | July 8, 2008 8:46 PM
On the other hand, the 'catholics worldwide' are largely the European and Latin American answer to our evangelical fringe. Fuck them - and fuck anything that brings their American coreligionists closer to them.
Posted by: andyo | July 8, 2008 8:47 PM
Randy #40,
Yeah, cause it's the same. bleh.
I'm sure others are typing something like this right now, but come on. I can come up with any number of ridiculous beliefs and claim untouchability, but that doesn't mean squat. For instance, I am deeply offended when people are named Randy. If people do that, I will send them death threats. Hope you won't complain then.
Posted by: Zeno | July 8, 2008 8:47 PM
This incident is, of course, a direct consequence of the excesses of Vatican II! The crazy liberals who ran that ecumenical council unleashed the forces of modernism with their irresponsible relaxation of many time-honored rules, leading to such horrors as reception of the eucharist wafer in the hand. Oh, noooooo!
Trust me: I haven't seen this exact complaint yet, but expect some furious lobbying within Catholic ranks for a return to the old-fashioned communion practice of reception by mouth only. That's when the priest places the wafer directly on the communicant's tongue. Today lots of people receive the host in their cupped hands, after which it's their responsibility to transfer it to their mouths. The hand technique, of course, makes it much more convenient to pocket the wafer and later put it up for sale on eBay (remember that?) or for use in a satanic black mass. From the Catholic point of view, these are mortally sinful desecrations. The reactions of Donohue et alia, as we see, demonstrate the degree to which they are prepared to go absolutely nuts over it.
Webster Cook's action is a mildly rude prank by sane standards, deliberating slighting Catholic sensibilities by making light of a wafer of worship. These sensibilities, however, have shown themselves to be much tougher when contemplating various Church scandals (such as the recent one involving Cardinal Pell and his protection of a accused child molester). When it comes to picking battles, the members of my childhood religion seem rather injudicious in choosing the things that get them really, really upset.
By the way, since the communion wafer is supposed to be the actual body of Christ, you should take proper care of it when you obtain your own consecrated host. I recommend pushpins and a cork board. Five pushpins are probably best: four for the nails in the hands and feet and a fifth to represent the lance wound in the side. Naturally, it's not necessary to leave the fifth one in place, since that would not be consistent with the Bible accounts of the crucifixion.
Then brace yourself for visits from the Vatican's crack squad of ninja nuns.
Posted by: Robert Thille | July 8, 2008 8:47 PM
If the cracker _is_ Jesus, then are they saying their "all powerful" God can't even keep himself from being abducted by a college student?
Wow, God keeps getting lamer and lamer...
Posted by: truth machine, OM | July 8, 2008 8:48 PM
"However, if anything were to qualify as a hate crime, to us this seems like this might be it."
We just expect the University to take this seriously," she added "To send a message to not just Mr. Cook but the whole community that this kind of really complete sacrilege will not be tolerated."
I think I've read something about the idea of making a sacrilege a crime ... something about "no law" and religion ...
Posted by: Kel | July 8, 2008 8:48 PM
This was a response to an article an Australian online newspaper wrote on the Catholic Church
All this over a cracker? The belief system of Catholicism wouldn't be any more strange if it tried. And it really does try really really hard to push the limits of what an otherwise rational mind would believe for the sake of God.
Oh and the sooner Project Mayhem takes the balls of Bill Donahue, the better off the world will be.
Posted by: khops | July 8, 2008 8:50 PM
mmmm Christ Chex
am I the only one that saw that Dane Cook sketch?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ui3diDtZ6_E
Posted by: Sastra | July 8, 2008 8:50 PM
Righteous indignation against "a lack of respect" is all you can stand on when you believe something outlandish, have no good evidence for it, and secretly suspect this makes you look like a total twat.
I wonder if this is partly fueled by jealousy over the Muslim fuss with the cartoons. "Hey, a fake religion is getting sympathy over an insult! Let's show everyone OUR feelings get BRUISED over stupid things too, so that we're still a top contender in the running for One True Religion. Show that we take it all seriously. It gets respect and evokes compassion."
No. You still just look like total twats.
Posted by: co | July 8, 2008 8:50 PM
Of course, all the holy sites on the intarwebs are up in arms about this. For example: http://www.creativeminorityreport.com/2008/07/student-holds-eucharist-hostage.html . Some of the comments there are just... priceless.
Posted by: Wowbagger | July 8, 2008 8:50 PM
Zeno, #53, wrote:
Are you still talking about wafers?
Posted by: llewelly | July 8, 2008 8:51 PM
Thank you for the 'let's hide our heads in the sand and pretend there's no disagreement between the religious and the non-religious' view.In truth - the silliness of a fight over a Jesus Cracker will show how ridiculous the pretensions and voodoo-thinking of the religious are.
Posted by: clinteas | July 8, 2008 8:51 PM
So if you are a deluded catholic whacko,this is like taking Dog herself hostage,and constitutes a hate crime,or some other terrible abomination,and in centuries past people actually got killed in wars over this lunacy.
PZ has a point when he calls this "Dark age superstition and malice" in the 21st century,its truly unbelievable.
Then again,the rotting carcass of some decades dead dude has arrived in Sydney to have some death cult ritual practised on,financed by 100s of millions of our tax dollars.
Oh,and this just in,Archbishop Pell knew about at least 2 more cases of child abuse(16yo girl,11yo altar boy)when he wrote a letter to this man telling him there were no other allegations against that priest.
Posted by: windy | July 8, 2008 8:52 PM
I like the way this guy describes it:
"Here's a video report on Webster F. Cook, the University of Central Florida student responsible for taking hostage Our Lord, keeping him a Zip-Loc Baggie..."
Oh no! The indignity!
Two observations:
-how is it "theft" if they are giving the crackers away?
-a stone tomb sealed by a boulder couldn't hold the guy, but a zip-loc bag can?
Posted by: Scott D. | July 8, 2008 8:53 PM
Maybe we should show them how concerned we are for their crackers by mailing them boxes of saltines, cheez-its, and various other crackers?
The UCF Catholic Campus Ministry has it's P.O. box listed online.
Posted by: Buenare | July 8, 2008 8:54 PM
So back when I was a Catholic, I suppose after I masticated Jesu...err..the cracker, digested it, and then deficated it, I should have given it back to the church?
Posted by: observer | July 8, 2008 8:54 PM
Wowbagger@#4,
Of course there's a special way of discerning the stolen cracker. It's the one that tastes like Jesus.
Posted by: alec | July 8, 2008 8:55 PM
In truth - the silliness of a fight over a Jesus Cracker will show how ridiculous the pretensions and voodoo-thinking of the religious are.
About a third of the country buys into that Jesus Cracker bullshit, and have until the last decade or so been pretty reasonable about it. By all means, let's start a holy war over the fucking Eucharist.
Posted by: Sophist FCD | July 8, 2008 8:56 PM
Taking the host like that is a stupid, classless, mean-spirited thing to do, and if the church and its advocates had restrained themselves to statements to that effect I would have agreed and given them a bit of grudging respect for their restraint. However, when they respond like this it just makes me want to piss on a crucifix in solidarity.
Posted by: Jose | July 8, 2008 8:56 PM
#40
I have to say that I will feel bad when all the atheist are looking down on you as you burn in hell. Even if you have earned it.
Posted by: Glen Davidson | July 8, 2008 9:00 PM
I suppose the old adage about academic fights would fit here, when modified: the battles over the Eucharist (and there have been many, notably during the Reformation) are so heated because they matter so little.
If it mattered to God, presumably he'd take care of it. Since he doesn't, the believers of a fairy tale have to battle it out.
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/2kxyc7
Posted by: Mika H | July 8, 2008 9:00 PM
What chance is there that this originates from an Onion article that a local FOX affiliate mistook for a real story?
Holy crap.
Posted by: truth machine, OM | July 8, 2008 9:00 PM
Cook should nail the cracker to a little cross and see if it bleeds.
Posted by: Chad | July 8, 2008 9:01 PM
If he gave up the cracker once they admitted to using physical force then its a fair trade off. They admit assault while he admits to a mistake. That being said, it should and hopefully will happen again - this time a point made in destroying the cracker in whatever disrespectful way possible simply to make a point.
Simply because your superstitious mythology denotes an act as sinful doesn't give you the right to do anything you choose.
Posted by: R. Tilern Smurtz | July 8, 2008 9:01 PM
All your ritz are belong to us
Posted by: Zeno | July 8, 2008 9:01 PM
Well, Wowbagger, I was talking about wafers, but it could also apply to the Church's expanded program of acceptable birth control practices.
Posted by: alec | July 8, 2008 9:02 PM
Taking the host like that is a stupid, classless, mean-spirited thing to do, and if the church and its advocates had restrained themselves to statements to that effect I would have agreed and given them a bit of grudging respect for their restraint. However, when they respond like this it just makes me want to piss on a crucifix in solidarity.
Yeah, and this is about the most infuriating thing about people like Donohue. He's the Catholic equivalent of Ozzie bin Laden, and yet he's delicately glad-handled by his GOP masters and brought out to froth at the mouth over unimportant shit like this as if he represents everyone. The Catholics are normally a lot more restrained about stuff like this - it's mainly the other Christers who whip it into a frenzy whenever this kind of issue comes up. (Sinead O'Connor, ripping up the Pope's picture over child abuse, swiftly got turned into a ranting atheist stagolee by the burgeoning religious right - who, for the most part, had an opinion of Catholicism somewhere between 'whore of Babylon' and 'baby-eating whore of Babylon', but still felt compelled to defend the besmirched honor of beloved Baldy. The original complaint, one that was more intra-religious than inter-religious, got buried so deep that the next time it surfaced it took years for the connection to become public knowledge.)
Posted by: Wowbagger | July 8, 2008 9:02 PM
#66,
Mmmmmmm, that's some goooooood Jesus!
Posted by: Noadi | July 8, 2008 9:02 PM
Lesson learned: Practice my slight of hand more so they won't notice when I pretend to eat it and then slip it into my pocket for later desecration.
Posted by: Barry | July 8, 2008 9:03 PM
Considering the fact that he DID NOT swallow the cracker... I'd have to say he treated the cracker with more respect than everyone else in attendance. After all, the holy ones have basically just eaten, digested, and shit the cracker into a commode.
Posted by: Brad | July 8, 2008 9:03 PM
So on this site linked to above, they sell gluten-free communion wafers. I thought the communion wafer transmutated into the flesh of Christ. If that's the case, then why do they need gluten-free wafers? Shouldn't whatever the wafer is turn into flesh and thus be gluten-free automatically?
Posted by: Bob Spencer | July 8, 2008 9:04 PM
PZ, such idiocy has been going on in the Catholic church for many years. More than 60 years ago in a small town in western Kentucky a somewhat similar event occurred which your post recalled to mind. In preparation for her first communion, a beautiful little red-headed girl, age seven, was taught with the full authority of her parents and the church that when she ate the communion wafer it would literally be transformed into the flesh of a dead man in her stomach. On the big day, dressed in her special new dress, in front of a full church, the priests and God Almighty, she took the wafer like a good little girl, but the thought of that raw flesh in her stomach was more than her bright mind could handle, and it came back up as quickly as it went down. It landed on the carpet in front of the priest. She remembers a stunned silence for what seemed a long time, then much consternation and a great scurrying of the priestly staff. They brought out a specially prepared container, consecrated it and scooped the crushed and sodden wafer into it. A procession was formed and the container was carried with full pomp to the cemetery adjacent to the church where a brief funeral ceremony was held and the body of Christ nee wafer interred with full dignity and respect.
It doesn't seem things have changed for the better in the intervening years, does it?
Posted by: llewelly | July 8, 2008 9:05 PM
The thief is in truth a Secret Satanist. Upon the zip-loc bag is drawn (in human blood) a pentagram, which uses Satanic Sorcery to trap Jesus. Why Jesus is weaker than Satan is not yet explained - probably it is due to all those terrible atheists, who have been buying Richard Dawkins' books, and making Satan stronger.Posted by: Barron | July 8, 2008 9:06 PM
Muslims protest depictions of their prophet: They are dangerous extremists.
Right Wing Catholics protest removal of a sanctified wafer: They are reacting to a hate crime.
It's good to be the white guy some days.
Posted by: S. Rivlin | July 8, 2008 9:06 PM
I find this story to be similar to the stories Muslims tend to believe in about the Jews who use non-Jewish children's blood to make their Matzos for Passover. Something has went haywire with the 5-HT system of these people.
Posted by: Chris | July 8, 2008 9:06 PM
Hahaha thats the school I graduated from last year. I didn't realize it was getting so stupid... Most of the time you would never even know anyone there was religious. This is kinda funny.
Posted by: Capital Dan | July 8, 2008 9:07 PM
Why am I not surprised to learn this is happening in Florida?
We should sell that embarrassing hunk of real estate. It has proven itself to be more trouble than it's worth.
I think this kid should just say "I'll give you back your Baby Jebus Cookie when you fucktards stop raping altar boys and own up to the crimes you've committed the last two-thousand years or so."
Posted by: truth machine, OM | July 8, 2008 9:07 PM
Taking the host like that is a stupid, classless, mean-spirited thing to do
It's not a "host", it's a fucking cracker ... no one has any obligation to honor idiotic superstitions. And besides, he simply wanted to show to someone else; his taking it was a response to being physically abused