As Orac says, the latest Jack Chick tract is pretty loony. Did you know that if you're a good Christian you can fend off vampires easily?
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As Orac says, the latest Jack Chick tract is pretty loony. Did you know that if you're a good Christian you can fend off vampires easily?
Is that supposed to be an image caption? I don't see any image.
That's awesome. Just further proof that there are actually people who are absolutely nuts.
As I rarely find myself troubled by vampires, I think I'll delay my conversion to Christianity for a little while longer, thanks.
On another board I visit, we make it our thorough enjoyment to chastise the latest Chick Tract. We especially have fun spotting "Fang" (the dog, in this one, first panel, with fangs).
I had to laugh really outloud at this one. It's amazing what they actually believe will help their "cause".
toni
I haven't had my flabber so completely gasted in a long time.
Too bad jebus is not into dermatology as well as dentistry.
Well, living in Canada, Vampires aren't as much of a problem here as down south (though that 30 Days of night shit wasn't too far away).
My biggest problems seem to be with Hydras and Manticores, so I converted to Greek mythology. All hail Zues!
^ Zeus... bloody typos. Hope he doesn't smite me with lightning for that one.
That was awesome at Ed Wood levels! I especially liked the little touch of slipping Wesley Snipes in the background of one panel.
Okay. I am now suspicious that "Jack T. Chick" has been a very long experiment on Poe's Law.
regular readers here should also enjoy the "Death Cookie" one.
It's about crackers ...
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0074/0074_01.asp
That was so ham-handed I bet they had to photoshop honey glaze stains out of the scans. And who the hell ever heard of a vampire nebbish? If Igor ever showed up in a Vampire game I was playing, I'd sell him to the nearest Sabbat prince just to see him fleshcrafted into a pony.
Also, is it just me or does this seem like the sort of thing that seems incredibly funny when you're drunk but doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you're sober?
Jack drinks. He's a drinker. Must be.
The next time I meet a fictional monster I'll be sure to convert him.
Faith the Vampire Slayer ?
Black haíred, got the 'kind' and 'virgin' part wrong though.
Damn, I've been trying to find the spoof Chick tract from the Church Of Shatnerology, but I think it's been pulled due to copyright issues. So the best I can contribute is this:
http://db.rambleschmack.net/images/posts/how-to-put-it/kirk-inspiration…
Carry on.
As a roleplaying gamer, my first Chick tract was "Dark Dungeons". Thus, my favourite Chick parody is "Dork Dungeons", here with the original side by side:
http://www.unhelpful.org/chyx/
Surely, this is a spoof? No? Seriously, is this for real?
Did anyone else notice Osama Bin Laden in panel 12? Muslim = Vampire now? Did I miss a meeting?
Starbix
"Don't Panic." -Douglas Adams
Vampires begone by the powah of JEEBUS!
I was hoping Faith would use her crossbow or at least her stake... of well.
"I'm Igor, a child of the Devil! Look at my fangs!" This reminded me of Willow pretending to be a vampire; "I'm a bloodsucking fiend! Look at my outfit!"
Yeah I'm a fan...
Seems old Jacky is losing the last remains of his brain, isn't he?
MeAgain, #17
Poe's Axiom; It is impossible to assert anything more ridiculous than what a religious fanatic does.
i'm wondering if the inclusion of Bin Laden actually gives away Chick as the single most patient Poe in the entire history of fundamentalism.
Love the "Death Cookie" comic. It's a bit of a caricature, but there's some truth in it. How come the Catholic League has never raised a fuss about it? Now, that would be fun.
The Chick-en has crossed the road, from disturbed to total insanity
At college in Georgia, I never saw anybody handing these out, or claiming any conection to them. But they would show up everywhere. I read a few and thought they were hilarious, but apparently people there thought the stuff was true and got upset that I was laughing. They really think Haloween is Satan's birthday, Catholics are satanists, etc...
My English professor and I dubbed the mysterious distributer the Chick Tract Ninja.
Are you kidding? Christians *are* vampires, that's why they drink the blood of their God at communion services. They eat His body too, but technically that's cannabalism. Frackin' crackers'n all that...
I think I see Richard Dawkins in there, too. Panel #4?
Since people here have spotted at least two others already, some of the other minions have to be known people - anybody recognize some others? Who's Aunt Wilma supposed to be watching on tv?
Wicked sweet! I'mma get me sum Jeebus and go vampire bustin'!
Oh, and by the way.
PZ, how the hell did you manage to read the tract? I figured your computer would be somehow banned by, I don't know, the powers of Cocoa Christ.
Looks like Dawkins made it into the 4th panel.
Bah.
Count von Count could kick all their asses.
I thought for a second that was Cousin It in the 2nd panel, but I guess it's just the back of somebody's head. But I would like to think it's It.
Am I the only one having trouble opening the "Our tribal custom" post? Everything's shifted around, and the text goes off the edge of the page.
LOL. Chick's Satan is SUCH an incompetent! Or at least, he's incompetent at hiring minions to raise his "chosen one". But then what to you expect of people who believe in a clumsy, totally unsubtle deity who poofs a relatively clueless, easily misled, often fear- and greed-driven, badly formed species into existence?
Various Harry Potter characters in there too. I know many others came from someplace too, I just can't place them.
I do believe David Farley and now Donovan too are onto something.
I notice Professor McGonagall from Harry Potter (as well as Gandalf I think) manages to make an appearance at the end.
Jack Chick doesn't actually draw these cartoons any more. He still runs the business but he's got someone else doing the artwork.
It reminded me of British cartoons (Such as 'The Beano')
Surely even fundamenalists wouldn't be convinced by this sort of ridiculousness. He should get back to bashing biology teachers and papists and scaring young children about demons getting hold of them for eternal torture sessions.
Proper fundamentalism.
I see Gandalf in panel 2.
And yes, that does look like Dawkins in panel 4.
Maybe this is so much Rorschach play, but is that Eugenie Scott in panel 2 addressing the doctor and possibly the pope in # 3? Probably not, but I wouldn't be surprised. I see Warren Zevon is keeping keeping Osama company. Maybe I just have werewolves on the brain as well as vampires.
I see Gandalf in panel 2.
And yes, that does look like Dawkins in panel 4.
I need to get this straight, Does Jack REALLY believe vampires are a major problem?
And of course, Faith is handing Chick tracts out with the candy on Halloween: "...here's some candy and little comics."
Is that Wesley Snipes as Blade in panel #2?
I just posted this on Blake Stacey's blog:
I can't be the only one reminded of this:
http://www.calvin.edu/academic/cas/gpa/sturmer.htm
But perhaps I am...
@31 -"Count von Count could kick all their asses."
Are you kidding? Count Duckula could kick all their butts.
Well, I for one am convinced: Jesus is as real as vampires.
PZ looks like you(sans glasses) might have made it into the 4th panel, or it could very well be Leonidas( http://llamabutchers.mu.nu/archives/king%20leonidas%20pretty%20pissed.j… ).
There also appears to be Charles Darwin in the 3rd panel, and Morpheus from the Matrix in the 2nd panel.
The evil "Chosen One" remindes me of Alfred E. Newman. What, me worry?
Oh by the way! In panel 2 look for Wesley Snipes, Gandalf, and Cousin It (addam's family).
OK, I just clicked the link to "Meet Jesus," and I was disappointed to learn that he wasn't making any appearances in Fresno anytime soon.
Very disappointing.
#37, Sigmund: Actually I think this is meant to be a children's tract, and Chick did draw it. You can tell the difference between the Chick tracts and the Fred Carter illustrated tracts - Chick's style is cartoonish and grotesque, Carter's style is realistic but sometimes sexualised: some unusually buxom women, for example. For comparison, a Carter tract, and a Chick tract. Incidentally, Carter is redoing some original Chick tracts, but you can usually tell which ones because he often makes the main characters african-american.
SC - I think that's been a trademark of Chick's work for ages. Although there's no consistency to it since he also believes the Jews are God's Chosen People and have a place in his millennial beliefs. Basically he hates on everybody. Here's an old tract where he even rips on Protestants.
http://www.angelfire.com/on/3angels/kissprot.html
Remember, folks, that garlic powder has no effect on vampires. You have to use real garlic, in cloves, to keep the vampires in check.
The Doctor is straight out of "Children's Illustrated Elders of Zion"
That's pronounced "EYE-gor"
The panels of Igor's public introduction are right out of Rocky Horror. Who knew ol' Jack was a fan of campy vampire musicals?
(Which brings up a different matter - does Jack Chick do the Time Warp in his underwear when no one else is home?)
This reminds me of the joke Mel Brooks & Co generated to compensate for the apparent lack of Jewish vampire jokes:
A little girl is walking at dusk. Suddenly a vampire leaps out in front of her. Her Transylvanian grandmother taught her how to deal with the situation. Without losing a beat, she whips out the crucifix she wore around her neck and dangles it in front of the vampire.
"Oy, little girl", he says, "have you got the wrong vampire!"
The section on using his tracts as 'Witness' tools is unintentionally hilarious.
"HI THERE! Was read by my son as a joke - scared him silly - he belongs to Jesus now."
"A lady came out of the ladies room in a fancy restaurant holding one of your tracts that I had just put in there, tears streaming down her face. Her makeup was a mess. I believe she was under conviction from the message in that tract."
(or more likely she had just wet herself, laughing at the ridiculous toe-curling lunacy on offer in the tract.)
Damn you PZ. I've spent the last 2 hours reading crap from that f'ing site, and now I feel as if I've lost brain cells, and possibly a bit of my sanity...
I feel as if I've dropped in IQ by at least 10% just from reading that garbage. Now I'm gonna have to watch a recorded NOVA science now to see if Tyson can smarten me back up...
Like I told Orac: holy crap, me and Orac had the same idea! I just wrote a post on the Edger blog about Jack Chick's impending senility. I put it in my URL link so I wouldn't risk kicking up your spam filter.
I remember reading that the real Count Dracula or "vlad the impailer" was actually a christian that defended europe from the Moos-lems
"HI THERE! Was read by my son as a joke - scared him silly - he belongs to Jesus now."
It's bad-trip Davey and Goliath.
(BTW, my earlier link was not meant as an endorsement of Calvin College, although its web site informs me that it's not only "distinctively Christian" but "Profoundly Academic.")
Igor?
Igor???!!
*sigh*
Christians recieve a +3 saving throw vs Vampires.
Following links can be serendipitous. If you follow the link above, you come to another link: Flumph. At this link, you will find a picture of what can only be construed as the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Really.
continuing the link trail...
the Flumph is also prominently featured as a parody on the "random monster encounter" in OOTS.
http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0001.html
a must read comic for DnD aficionados.
Why is a wizard teaching a vampire where to bite?
You have to admire the Jesus-Fu Faith uses to throw Igor out of balance.
Maybe Chick noticed that Buffy the Vampire Slayer was popular, and thought he could get a bit more circulation by going with a vampire story.
-jcr
Igor? Seriously. Igor?
Makes me proud to be a skeptic, it's funny how I never have to worry about alien abductions, bigfoot, the boogeyman, the devil, tin foil hats, werewolves or vampires. Skeptics need no senility-authored comics to ward off evil, because for some odd reason, all these things steer clear. Maybe it's the pocket protectors!
I wonder if this is Chick's answer to the recent "Twilight" series book?
I am seriously disappointed that the art is so crappy. :(
It would be far more LOLerific than it is if the art was good.
But that's just me.
@ #10:
That is truly some awesome unintentional irony there!
Wait... Christians believe in Vampires now?!?
"Jesus can't lie, because he's God."
I thought God cound do anything.
...and if you don't fend off the vampires then you obviously weren't a good christian.
And yet, still better than Left Behind.
That was the worst Chick cartoon ever! The story was lame and the Bible quotations unusually forced. It didn't seem to take aim at any of the 98%* of humanity Chick usually targets for self-righteous hatred. The composition and drawing were different-awful.
I ended up just skimming over it, then going over the detail in a few frames to confirm my initial opinion.
Has Chick died, or does he now farm out his work? He certainly isn't going to make any new fans with this.
How convenient, that the vampire leader in the first strip is referred to as "the doctor". Damn them evil educated men and their devilish rituals.
Might be the new vampire show from HBO that prompted this comic.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/True_Blood
I can't wait for the episode where they explain crosses do nothing and show the crazy Jebus anti-vampire group.
Jack himself never did this one, it has to have been farmed out. This is definitely not Chick's style. I almost think it was just a teeny bit "tongue-in-cheek". That part where the demon says "Sorry but That's what I do!" is quoting an old JOKE!! I think ol' Jack or one of his minions is showing a SENSE OF HUMOR for perhaps the very first time.
Count Chickula - just add milk.
I, too, first thought Faith was going to be a little more...stabby, so I'm disappointed. The quality has definitely gone down since I was in fundie high school, where these were a regular break from studying more Bible.
I have to ask, though, does anyone else see Al Gore in Frame 9?
I thought God could do anything.
But then there's that classic philosophical question: can the omnipotent write a tract so hilarious that even he cannot read it without laughing?
I just realized that Faith is giving out "candy and little comics." This may be like a shaggy dog story - the whole tract was written just so they could mention that Chick tracts make GREAT Halloween treats...so stock up folks, because this is what kids really want. "Candy! Ewwwww! Couldn't I have a little comic book written by an insane, hate-filled bigot instead?"
Too bad jebus is not into dermatology as well as dentistry.
So I wasn't the only one who noticed that Jesus did not in fact fix all? Thank squid.
Igor! Igor! Cthulhu fhtagn!
There's irony to spare in this story.
Bram Stoker was an Irish protestant and it is said he was inspired to write Dracula as a subtle swipe at the Catholic church with it's rituals including the imbibing of blood during the transubstantiation process.
I love Jack Chick, but he's no Fred Phelps.
#83 - looks like Al Gore to me. The guy next to Al looks kind of like Hooky from New Order ... but why?
I don't get the God can't lie bit. He lies all the time in the bible, Genesis chapter 2 being the best example. He tells Adam not to eat from the tree of knowledge because if it does, that will be the day he dies. Then the snake says that they won't die, rather they will know the difference between good and evil.
So what happened? They ate from the tree and didn't die. Instead they knew the difference between good and evil.
The moral of the story? A talking snake is more honest than God, and God gives out ineffective punishments (snake has to slither on it's belly)
the latest Jack Chick tract is pretty loony.
Are there any that aren't loony?
Here's an oldy but a goody...
http://www.hellblazer.com/media/chick-cthulu.jpg
I think ol' Jackie is showing his age. He just saw "Bruce Almighty" and "Liar Liar" back to back and came out confounded.
Take a look at some of his weirder post-apocalyptic stuff...
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0094/0094_01.asp
I particularly like the "We inserted microchips to increase the pain" line
Of course this track makes the wild assumption that God never lies, but we all know that right from Genesis I, God is a bigger liar than the devil.
JCR: The Twilight series is a far more likely candidate.
Osama bin Laden is DEFINITELY in the twelfth panel. It's possible to guess for the others, but not that one.
I personally don't find the concept of modern whackaloon Christians believing in vampires to be all that far-fetched, especially considering that I've met people who really do believe that angels drive flying saucers...
Wuffen @ 57 -- I've heard the same joke except in my version, the victim is a woman who's in bed, and when she brandishes a crucifix at the vampire, he shakes his head sadly and says, "Et gornisht helfen..." ("It's not going to help" in Yiddish.)
Panel #40: is that Paul Kidby's drawing of Granny Weatherwax?
I got bored halfway through and didn't finish it. JC's slipping badly. I used to read his stuff and get a big laugh out of it. Now, it's just sad and pathetic.
BTW, anyone else notice the relationship between the head vampire and the teacher in "Big Daddy"?
So did anyone tell Mr. Chick that vampires aren't real, either, and that he's simply perpetuating a standard "vampire" model that was invented by Bram Stoker to sell copies of a certain book he wrote?
Ah, well. I supposed he'll be really upset if we inform him that Christmas was invented by the Romans.
Love them Vampires, and no shit, them Vampires are real, just check here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/De_Havilland_Vampire
Don't think that mentioning jeesoos or similar crap would make them crash, though.
Is it just me, or does Igor bear a striking resemblance to Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman?
Thank you, k9_kaos!
He sure as hell did!
I laughed out loud at work over this. It was great! Jack is so far over the ledge he's past the last sewer outlet. This is so pathetic...although, to be precise, how does one know when a demented fuckwit develops true dementia?
Since Vampires and Good Christians are both mythical creatures, I suppose anything is possible really.
#88: God hates melodic interesting bass line. He made bassists to SERVE guitarists. A Peter Hook bass line is like a woman preaching.
My immediate thought was that 'Hooky' in frame 9 was Christopher Hitchens.
Only works without the www. part: http://unhelpful.org/chyx/
ROFTL!
Do you mean NO one else got the room 13 schtick?
Hell's Angels would wear 13 because the 13th letter of the alphabet is M. And "M" stands for MARIJUANA!
Marijuana-->smoke--Satan.
Everyone knows you should make magic cookies because joints are wasteful...
If that's Al Gore in panel #9, it must be him in #2, too. Ol' Jack must have something in for Al, and Gandalf.
'Sfunny that only bleevers have a problem with vampires, witches and the like. My biggest problem is nosy neighbors.
It's deeply ironic that the strip itself is itself propounding the great diabolical lie: "anyone who tells you differently is a liar".
Just in time for people to order these for Holloween!
Ummm... I totally mean it. You see, rolling on floors is teh laughing. :-}
The tract ends with the claim that God cannot lie. But this is not true, according to "god's word".
1 Kings 22:23 "Now therefore behold, Yahveh has put a lying spirit in the mouth of all these your prophets; Yahveh has spoken evil concerning you."
Ezekiel 14:9 "And if the prophet be deceived and speak a word, I, Yahveh, have deceived that prophet, and I will stretch my hand out against him, and will destroy him from the midst of my people Israel."
Ezekiel 20:25 "Moreover I gave them statutes that were not good and ordinances by which they could not have life; and I defiled them through their very gifts in making them offer by fire all their first-born, that I might horrify them; I did it that they might know that I am Yahveh."
2 Thessolonians 2:11-12 "Therefore Yahveh sends upon them a strong delusion, to make them believe what is false, so that all may be condemned who did not believe the truth but had pleasure in unrighteousness."
Christians claim that the Bible is the word of Yahveh, and the Bible says that Yahveh sometimes lies. This alone would convince me that the Bible is untrustworthy. It would further make me doubt that this Yahveh character was the real Creator of the Universe; lying is "ungodly behavior'".
Greetings, nice blog. There is something to be said about the intrinsic antisemitism of the vampyre myth (Has there ever been a blond, blue-eyed vampyre?). Since modern-day US Fundamentalists tend to avoid outspoken antisemitism (like in the days of Father Coughlin and Martin Luther Thomas) but still are in desperate need to establish community through projection of the evil outside, there is a tendency to construct a global, diabolic conspiracy along the old authoritarian patterns without the infamous stürmer style. But at the end of the day, "the leopard can't change his spots" and the true nature of the hate-speech emerges: The main vampyre character is bold-headed, big-nosed, goatee-wearing and tuxedo-dressed. The devil himself is similar. The women in frames 2, 4 and 9 are as stereotypical "Jewesses" as you can get. The christian virgin, though black-haired, is coded-depicted as "white", "aryan" and "beautiful".
The irony lies in the projection of human sacrifice onto the enemies of the true faith, who are imagined as always looking for an innocent victim for their evil lust. At the same time, God's bloodlust and son-sacrifice is at the core of Christianity, specially in Mr Chick's tracts.
Let me finish with a bit of paranoia: Anyone who reads the fantasies of nazis, how the jews plan to annihilate the white race, etc, can easily deduct what these people have in store for their enemies, when their day finally comes. If you follow closely the ridiculous projections of Mr Chick, it should be easy to imagine what many fundamentalists are unconsciously preparing themselves for. Don't let the absurdity fool you. Mein Kampf or the Protocols are also utterly absurd and yet their feverish dreams of destruction came to reality.