Right now, this one's a tough choice: Who would win in a free-for-all, anything-goes cage match?. The top two contenders are PZ "The Violator" Myers and Christopher "Drunken Monkey" Hitchens, with me in the lead…probably because the thought of a man nicknamed "The Violator" and a reputation for tentacle mayhem is too terrifying to contemplate.
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PZ Myers is a biologist and associate professor at the University of Minnesota, Morris.
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« Poll need pharyngulizin’ | Main | To the clever dicks who think they are annoying me »
More articles by PZ Myers can be found on Freethoughtblogs at the new Pharyngula!
Another significant poll that will change the universe
Category: Pointless polls
Posted on: August 19, 2008 9:34 AM, by PZ Myers
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Comments
Posted by: TSC | August 19, 2008 9:39 AM
Where's Scott Atran?
Posted by: True Bob | August 19, 2008 9:42 AM
Sorry PZ, I had to answer honestly. Much as I dislike some of his views, I'd have to say Hitchens is the scariest and most dangerous of the bunch.
Posted by: zer0 | August 19, 2008 9:45 AM
I imagine PZ can call on the powers of Cthulhu when needed.
Posted by: Capital Dan | August 19, 2008 9:46 AM
I dunno... PZ's scrappy, but Hitchens strikes me as a biter.
Posted by: True Bob | August 19, 2008 9:47 AM
I would vote that "The Violator" is by far the best luchador name up there.
Posted by: Russell | August 19, 2008 9:54 AM
In a cage match, I'm going with Hitchens. He drinks more. He's British. He's not academic.
;-)
Posted by: Jackal | August 19, 2008 9:57 AM
Eugenie "The Educator" Scott should definately be up there. As is, I had to vote for Carl "The Zombie" Sagon.
Posted by: GirBoBytons | August 19, 2008 9:57 AM
Of course Im voting for PZ. Lest we forget godless heathens are tactless and will harm your crackers!!
Posted by: Jackal | August 19, 2008 10:10 AM
Dammit! Carl "The Zombie" Sagan. He's my hero, but I can't force my brain to look at the actual letters in his name.
Posted by: True Bob | August 19, 2008 10:11 AM
I would add that Drunken Monkey is also rabid. So he's got that giong for him.
Posted by: Benjamin Franklin | August 19, 2008 10:12 AM
PZ-
I voted for you because your fighting words womp the other contenders. Really, who else on that list has the temerity to stand up to God in the form of a bread product?
But in an actual cage match, I would really have to vote for Dr. Michio Kaku, because he would use his legendary Ninja Japanese Jujutsu shit to toss you right into the 11th dimension.
Posted by: Boosterz | August 19, 2008 10:17 AM
Randi is a magician and he looks like a harmless old man. Bad combination. While you were busy laughing at his frailty, he'd quickly gut you with the sword he pulled out of his sleeve. Then he'd make the body disappear so as to not tip off the next poor fool who came along to challenge him.
Posted by: Miss Infidel | August 19, 2008 10:21 AM
Sorry, PZ! I had to go with Hitchens for this one, as far as pure, brutal strength goes. I just have a feeling if he gets some height on you and drops from above, a Hitchens-Slam, it'd be all over.
Harris, though, I think he'd be kinda scrappy and able to wiggle out of anything.
Dawkins might bust out some kung-fu and crumpets.
Posted by: Michelle | August 19, 2008 10:23 AM
I voted Randi, cuz no one would dare hit him. He's got a great advantage!
Posted by: PWBrian | August 19, 2008 10:27 AM
Having never seen you in a steel cage death match, PZ, I can't say anything to your abilities therein. However, I did meet James Randi once, and I know he can do some crazy things if you take your eyes off him for more than an eighth of a second.
Posted by: Cheezits | August 19, 2008 10:39 AM
The Violator?! Why not The Desecrator? Sounds like you got a parking ticket or something. :-D
Posted by: GirBoBytons | August 19, 2008 10:40 AM
Oh let me rephrase what I said earlier. "Godless heathens are tactless and this one will VIOLATE your cracker." :P For some reason that seems naughtier. They gave you a naughty name PZ!
Posted by: sjburnt | August 19, 2008 10:43 AM
I dunno, I have watched the videos of Hitchens getting waterboarded. That he would do this to himself tells me he has got to be pretty tough.
And come on, did that Cracker fight back?
Posted by: sjburnt | August 19, 2008 10:44 AM
Rumor has it the Cracker threw the match.
Posted by: King of Ferrets | August 19, 2008 10:48 AM
If you're going to crash polls PZ, crash mine! (I shall eventually get you crash my polls PZ!)
Posted by: Miss Infidel | August 19, 2008 10:48 AM
Yeah, I think Sjburnt really nailed it. Hitchens seems like he'd laugh at the pain, the guy is so tough. I can just picture him on one side of the cage, enjoying a martini before the bell rings, then tossing the glass to the side, ripping off his shirt and screaming "YOU'D HAVE TO BE A COMPLETE IDIOT TO FIGHT ME!" before tearing the opponent to shreds.
Posted by: Bunk | August 19, 2008 10:48 AM
Randi would just bend a spoon around all you young whippersnapper's necks.
Posted by: Glen Davidson | August 19, 2008 10:54 AM
WTF, where's Denyse O'Leary?
She'd be beaten to a pulp, poor granny Spice, but she'd certainly claim to have won (then again, what IDiot wouldn't?)
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/2kxyc7
Posted by: RamblinDude | August 19, 2008 10:56 AM
Oh, wonderful. A bunch of intellectuals poking each other in the eyes and fumbling over each other like Humbert and Quilty in "Lolita."
"Look, over there, it's Eugenie Scott!"
Belly bump "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk..."
I see Richard "The Rottweiler" Dawkins standing above a pile of bodies and frowning...
Posted by: person man | August 19, 2008 10:59 AM
Unless he's too far gone to stand up, I'd have to say Hitchens, he seems like a downright vicious brawly drunk and yes, he probably bites. I'd suggest PZ just walk away and leave Chris muttering into his whiskey.
Posted by: J | August 19, 2008 11:01 AM
Sorry dude; I did the write-in option for Philip "Tailspinner" Pullman
Posted by: negentropyeater | August 19, 2008 11:07 AM
Sorry, stupid frenchman here who doesn't understand the question, anybody care to explain ?
Posted by: Longstreet63 | August 19, 2008 11:14 AM
C'mon--Randi's a wizard, people. He could fry his competition with a barrage of magic missiles and then follow it up with an air-tight explanation as to why that wasn't possible.
Mind you, Hitchens does seem like he might arise smoldering with a broken scotch bottle in hand, sozzled beyond the ability to feel pain, which could be problematic at close quarters.
Sorry, PZ, but the Unholy Power of Squid makes you, at best, an Aquaman villain. Still better than Black Manta, though.
Finally, I can't help but feel that Richard Dawkins, could, if he wished, shape-shift into a ravening were-bear capable of rending his foes into bloody gobbets. But he doesn't because that wouldn't be any sort of valid argument at all.
Posted by: Chad | August 19, 2008 11:15 AM
I went with James Randi.
"Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill."
Posted by: Magnus | August 19, 2008 11:16 AM
My guess is that Richard "The Rottweiler" Dawkins would win. I hear he's the product of billions of years of mutation and natural selection in a pityless and indifferent universe. Sounds like the ultimate way to breed a fierce fighter. I also heard that he challenged God to a fist-fight, but God didn't even show up!
Posted by: Patricia | August 19, 2008 11:23 AM
Are you all forgetting PZ can 'ink' em?
PZ - 376
Hitchens - 252
Posted by: Colugo | August 19, 2008 11:23 AM
Three words: Hitchens tentacle hentai.
Posted by: True Bob | August 19, 2008 11:26 AM
negentropyeater:
In the entertainment genre of pro wrestling in the US, no-holds barred cage match basically means the competitors are in a cage, and fight tooth and nail until a victor emerges. No-holds barred means anything goes.
Posted by: mjfgates | August 19, 2008 11:29 AM
Personally, I think the lot of you would break out of the cage, hunt down the fundies who stuffed you into it, and teach their children about genetics...
Posted by: Glen Davidson | August 19, 2008 11:30 AM
Anyway, why isn't "Jesus' flesh" on the list?
Or is that contest considered to have been decided for all time?
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/2kxyc7
Posted by: ChaSim | August 19, 2008 11:30 AM
You've obviously never witnessed an academics' cage match.
Besides between Hitchen's "Drunken Master" style and PZ's "Desecrating Tentacles" style... ;-)
Posted by: wÒÓ† | August 19, 2008 11:31 AM
(.)(.)
Posted by: Doubting Foo | August 19, 2008 11:40 AM
Just feed Hitchens some bourbon before the match to sedate him. He'll start blathering on about Mother Theresa and not notice you unleashing your special Octopus moves on him!
Posted by: Rob in Memphis | August 19, 2008 11:41 AM
I voted for "Drunken Monkey" Hitchens, mainly because if you took a swing at him in close quarters he could probably blast you in the face with his whiskey breath long enough to make your eyes water, thereby blinding you any counter-punches coming your way.
Posted by: Agersomnia | August 19, 2008 11:45 AM
76% yes, 24% no.
Still only some 4k votes. Probably the first influx of pharyngulites being felt.
Posted by: True Bob | August 19, 2008 11:45 AM
long enough to make your eyes water
a nanosecond ought to do...
Posted by: Agersomnia | August 19, 2008 11:46 AM
Oops. Posted results in the wrong post. Sorry.
Posted by: Ludo | August 19, 2008 11:47 AM
Definitely not Hitchens. Put a cloth over his mouth, pour some water on it and he'll be crying for his mom after 16.8 seconds. Sissy.
Posted by: Qwerty | August 19, 2008 11:52 AM
This is a pointless poll unless the reason is just to have a little fun. I voted for Susan Blackmore as Blackmore sounds like the surname of a pirate wench! I am sure she could make the blokes walk the plank!
Posted by: Dan B. | August 19, 2008 11:59 AM
Violator? Tentacles? Tell me I'm not the only sick bastard who thought of anime....
Posted by: Dave W. | August 19, 2008 12:16 PM
We have decided that because we left out so many good people, the current cage match will only be one of two (or maybe more) semifinals. We will have a final match, just the best of the best, at a later date. Feel free to vote in all of them.
On another note, PZ gave himself that nickname. I just ran with it to its illogical conclusion.
Posted by: True Bob | August 19, 2008 12:17 PM
Oh no, Dan B, we ALL thought anime, right away.
[sotto voce]
Sheesh everyone, can you even believe what a sick freak that Dan guy is!
[/sotto voce]
Posted by: Beth B. | August 19, 2008 12:21 PM
Colugo @ 32 owes me a new frontal lobe. I believe he may have just destroyed mine...*shudder*
Posted by: Rayven Alandria | August 19, 2008 12:29 PM
PFFFTTT...I can Kick all Yer Asses!
*bounces around*
Bring it on BOYS!
Posted by: True Bob | August 19, 2008 12:43 PM
rayven,
check here, bouncy lady
Posted by: Patricia | August 19, 2008 12:53 PM
True Bob, I join you in being shocked by what a sick freak Dan is.
He frightened my high horse right off the street!
How dare you Dan! You just prance right back into your closet and do something sick to yourself.
Oh, and freak off too. ;)
Posted by: Spinoza | August 19, 2008 12:55 PM
I'm sorry... PZ... I voted for Susan Blackmore... I just think she's a wicked meme (mean?) machine...
Posted by: Drew | August 19, 2008 12:58 PM
Sorry PZ I had to vote for Carl "the zombie" Sagan
Posted by: Patricia | August 19, 2008 1:00 PM
Ahhh, Sophie Tucker. Thanks True Bob!
Posted by: True Bob | August 19, 2008 1:06 PM
Yeah, actually Rusty Warren, but Sophie is associated as well. Bounce 'em if you've got 'em.
Posted by: tsig | August 19, 2008 1:07 PM
But Randi has magic and the JREF.
Posted by: JStein | August 19, 2008 1:20 PM
You know I'm a fan, PZ, but I think that Chris takes this one. If worst comes to worst, he could always talk you to death, but, frankly, he breathes fire and craps thunder.
Posted by: roddg | August 19, 2008 1:43 PM
PZ. Cyberpistol. Nuff said.
Posted by: Screechy Monkey | August 19, 2008 1:50 PM
Sorry, PZ, but I had to vote for Drunken Monkey as well. Loyalty to the species and all that.
Posted by: paceetrate | August 19, 2008 1:54 PM
Sorry PZ, I had to vote for Carl Sagan. I mean, he's a zombie! You can't kill a zombie! Chop him up into pieces and he'd still be coming after you...
Although considering it's Carl he might just want to give you a hug, but I imagine a hug from a zombie wouldn't be too pleasant...
Posted by: S.Scott | August 19, 2008 2:05 PM
I've been assured that this sexist poll will be re-done in teh near future and that the real contenders will be listed on teh next one.
Barbara Forrest, Genie Scott, and Abbie Smith.
This is just a semi-final.
Posted by: Steverino | August 19, 2008 2:48 PM
Whoever wins, Bill "The Cardigan" Demski wouldn't acknowledge the winner or that the match even took place.
Posted by: IBY | August 19, 2008 3:03 PM
No way, Phil would beat all of them with his mintie and squishie brain of science. :)
Posted by: Jams | August 19, 2008 3:20 PM
Well, we've had the errant gender denouncement. Anyone willing to wager on how many comments will pass before the errant racial denouncement?
Posted by: Brownian, OM | August 19, 2008 4:00 PM
Well, since you WASPs left out Neil deGrasse Tyson, I'm guessing 64.
Posted by: S.Scott | August 19, 2008 4:01 PM
@ Jams - you're just sore because you know I'm right!
Any married man knows that women always win in fights! ;-)
I bet PZ would agree with me!
Posted by: SC | August 19, 2008 4:06 PM
I was thinking the same thing, but that should be Neil "Snake in deGrasse" Tyson.
Posted by: BeamStalk | August 19, 2008 4:11 PM
So where was Dr. Tyson in the list? The man grew up in the Bronx and captained his High School wrestling team. Not to mention as a physicist, he could invent a death ray just for the match.
Posted by: ElVila | August 19, 2008 4:16 PM
well, hitchens got waterboarded voluntarely . that sounds pretty bad ass to me, so im going with hitchens.
Posted by: Brownian, OM | August 19, 2008 4:17 PM
Exactly why I don't trust Whitey.
Posted by: Feynmaniac | August 19, 2008 4:39 PM
This would make an AWESOME video game. Somebody get started on that.
Posted by: Danio | August 19, 2008 4:39 PM
With all due respect to our tentacular Overlord, I backed the dark horse and went with Harriet 'The Doctor' Hall. She kicks some serious pseudoscientific ass on the SBM blog.
Posted by: ddr | August 19, 2008 4:40 PM
Yeah. If he had been on the list, I would have gone with Neil deGrasse (Tick Tock) Tyson.
Posted by: Feynmaniac | August 19, 2008 4:55 PM
I think Neil deGrasse "I'll bite your ear off" Tyson would school any of them. He was captain of his wrestling team at his high school, Bronx High School of Sciece, so he has alot of practice fighting nerds.
Dennett the Pimp has had some practice on hookers but wouldn't last long.
Hitchens could probably take a beaten but his offense would would merely compromise of insults and ridicule (in slurred speech) of his opponent .
As for Dawkins, he looks frail but somebody violated his book....
Posted by: Peter Vaht | August 19, 2008 4:57 PM
PZ as much as I love you I had to vote for Richard
Posted by: Nentuaby | August 19, 2008 5:18 PM
Sorry, PZ, I had to vote for The Amazing Randi. He simply has you beat for sheer beardocity, which everyone knows is how a brutal cage match amongst that list will ultimately be decided.
Keep working on it, though! You've made good inroads!
Posted by: scooter | August 19, 2008 5:18 PM
PZ said:
Nope, you're in the lead because we found that poll last week a Pharyngulated it already, unlike the bunch of treasonous snakes postin on this here thread.
Hitchens indeed, you could dunk that chainsmoker just on his flagsucking alone A little salt on the thumb to rub in the eye ain't cheatin by the way.
Arrrrrrrgh
Posted by: S.Scott | August 19, 2008 5:39 PM
Scooter said:
Nope, you're in the lead because we found that poll last week a Pharyngulated it already, unlike the bunch of treasonous snakes postin on this here thread.
I must correct - Abbie (erv) found the poll. A woman of course.
Posted by: ildi | August 19, 2008 5:52 PM
WTF? I thought pharyngulites had all been assimilated, and yet many voted against their atheist overlord?
I voted Hitchens because heavy-drinking warmongers scare me. Even as a zombie I think Carl Sagan would be a sweetie (my hero!)
Posted by: Dr. Strangehate | August 19, 2008 5:57 PM
Sorry PZ, but I had to vote for Hitchens.
Posted by: PZ Myers | August 19, 2008 6:06 PM
Wait, what? People are voting against me, and bragging about it? Don't you know you're supposed to be sheeplike followers who obey my every word? This is no way to build a cult that worships the Ego of PZ Myers.
Dang atheists. You just can't trust them to follow simple instructions.
Posted by: Owlmirror | August 19, 2008 6:12 PM
Maybe you should have a "Blaspheme-me" challenge, where your sheeplike minions all post their denial of your divinity, perfection, transcendence, omniscience, etc.
"We are all individuals!"
"I'm not."
Posted by: reboho | August 19, 2008 6:31 PM
Sorry PZ, got to go with Hitch on this one.......
Posted by: reboho | August 19, 2008 6:33 PM
Sorry PZ, got to go with Hitch on this one.......now if it was a consecrated host, another story......
Posted by: jfatz | August 19, 2008 6:58 PM
I'm sorry, but I had to vote for the Sagan zombie. I mean, it's Carl Sagan... the ZOMBIE! They eat human flesh, and get spurred on by the delectable smell of brains!
BRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIINSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
Posted by: Frank | August 19, 2008 7:05 PM
sorry, i had to go with dawkins, he would sink his teeth in and won't let go until there were nothing left or simple got bored of kicking ass
Posted by: JoJo | August 19, 2008 7:35 PM
Had to go with PZ. Hitchens may be an atheist, but he's an asshole (oops, excuse me, he's British, that should be arsehole). There is Dawkins, but he's too much of a gentleman to even consider something as undignified as a brawl, in a cage, in front of an audience.
Posted by: Anton Mates | August 19, 2008 7:54 PM
Yeah, but the waterboarding broke him. PZ would be fine...he doesn't have to hold his breath.
Posted by: Screechy Monkey | August 19, 2008 8:09 PM
PZ, the important thing is that you're still running way ahead of that astronomer guy. In fact, right now Phil's losing to the corpse of Carl Sagan.
Posted by: True Bob | August 19, 2008 8:11 PM
Zombies don't frighten me. Zombies are all over the place, whinging about sacred bread, and oh you're so mean, and cheeses ate my brain...
Posted by: S.Scott | August 19, 2008 8:40 PM
JoJo - you reminded me of something! Too Funny!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9al-mpqXjc
Posted by: JoJo | August 19, 2008 8:45 PM
Thanks, S.Scott. I enjoyed "having a stare at a freak in a way that you can tell yourself is sort of okay."
Posted by: Alcari | August 19, 2008 8:58 PM
I'll go with PZ, he's the only one who has a cyberpistol and an endless herd of thralls.
Posted by: Jeb, FCD | August 19, 2008 9:12 PM
PZ, I love you and all (agape-style, of course) but I think Hitchens would win. He's a smoker after-all.
Posted by: scooter | August 19, 2008 9:49 PM
PZ @ 81
Calm down, you're flecking.
Posted by: Danny | August 19, 2008 11:23 PM
Welp I just had to vote for Sagan. You are a fine chap PZ, but Sagan would have kicked your ass. :P
Posted by: Wowbagger | August 19, 2008 11:27 PM
Since they based the Mr Smith character in The Matrix on Sagan, I'd have to vote for him, too - I can just see him standing there in the suit and the sunglasses, and saying, in deadpan, 'Doctor Myers...' before doing some crazy bullet-time ass-kicking.
Posted by: skapacabra | August 19, 2008 11:49 PM
Hey, what about Stephen Hawking? He might not look like much but the man can really throw down.
Posted by: Atheist Chaplain | August 20, 2008 4:25 AM
Well PZ I voted for you for no other reason than anyone who can stare down 10,000 rabid Catholics, is going to be one hard arsed MoFo!!
Posted by: Liam | August 20, 2008 5:58 AM
Why isn't Russell on that list! He would just sit back and suck on his pipe while claiming the fight should be stopped due to - and say it in Russells high pitch British gentleman accent - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE!
Posted by: Vidar | August 20, 2008 7:20 AM
@98:
Stephen Hawking is banned. His weelchair would transform into a giant robot that would blast your grandparents with a singularity-powered quantum-entagled deathray that would erase your grandparent from the time-stream, thereby assuring that you never existed in the first place. It's just not fair!
I voted for Christopher as well. You just don't get into a brawl with a large drunk Brittish man with a mission. It's just not a smart thing to do!
Posted by: Mike Nilsen | August 20, 2008 7:29 AM
Hitchens is a turd who is occasionally right about atheism, but is wrong about so much else that he's not worth listening to. PZ would pin the drunken sot in a millisecond.
Posted by: Christopher | August 20, 2008 8:42 AM
I'd have to go with Hitchens in the cage match - he'd fight dirty, and then convince you that it wasn't dirty but in fact more fair than following the rules.
However, I will say that "Tentacle Mayhem" is a pretty good name for a band.
Posted by: Timothy | August 20, 2008 10:56 AM
Congrats on winning the free-for-all cage match, PZ! It's easy to see how you'd beat such a nice guy as Richard Dawkins, but how in the world did you take out Hitchens? When that guy gets going his as unstoppable as a pitbull in a nursery.
Posted by: Zeekster | August 20, 2008 2:08 PM
I got to this one too late to participate in the poll, but had a grand time looking at their previous poll topics:
Purity balls : Where do you stand?
For - 18%
Against - 82%
Total Votes: 860 Poll date: 23/07/08
Smacking and children : Where do you stand?
For smacking - 80%
Against smacking - 20%
Total Votes: 1440 Poll date: 08/02/08
Posted by: Zeekster | August 20, 2008 2:10 PM
Ooops. Wrong post.
Posted by: BobbyEarle | August 20, 2008 2:45 PM
Whoever is the best at flecking the spittle will be getting my nod.
Is there a "tale of the tape" for spittle flecking?
Posted by: Davis | August 20, 2008 6:15 PM
James Randi. For his long service.
Posted by: Katy | August 21, 2008 2:10 AM
Here's another poll.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10103521/
It's on the 'In God We Trust' being kept on our currency.
I got it forwarded to me on an e-mail.
Posted by: Katy | August 21, 2008 2:19 AM
Whoops, I meant 'in an email', not on.
Posted by: WithoutSol | August 21, 2008 9:34 AM
I love you P.Z., but if Sagan came back as a zombie he would so kick your ass!
J.K.