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PZ Myers is a biologist and associate professor at the University of Minnesota, Morris.
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Category: Pointless polls • Weirdness
Posted on: October 1, 2008 9:31 PM, by PZ Myers
An internet poll, which we all know is always accurate, representative, and binding, was held this week to determine who would be president of the US. Voters selected between Obama, McCain, Hillary Clinton, and a fourth, unlikely, dark horse candidate…me.
I won.
I think I've heard this song before, by Spike Jones and his City Slickers, only my name was Feitlebaum then.
YES! Send me a free issue of Seed.
If I like what I see, I'll receive 5 more issues (6 in all) for just $19.95. If I'm not completely satisfied, I'll simply write "cancel" on the invoice and owe nothing. The free issue is mine to keep.
(Non-U.S. subscribers, click here.)
Comments
Posted by: Patricia | October 1, 2008 9:40 PM
It was the strumpet and slut vote that put you over the top.
Posted by: Nerd of Redhead | October 1, 2008 9:42 PM
It must be the beard.Posted by: Mike Jackson | October 1, 2008 9:47 PM
It's true, I Googled, it's Feitlebaum, not Beetlebaum! My God! Oops.
Posted by: tyaddow | October 1, 2008 9:49 PM
Aww! We didn't even get to crash that one! So, what will you do with your new power and prestige? All the money and sexual favors you can grasp in your writhing tentacles, I assume.
Posted by: The Perky Skeptic | October 1, 2008 9:50 PM
I LOVE that one! I have spent far, far too many hours listening to Spike Jones. *lol*
Posted by: Crudely Wrott | October 1, 2008 9:50 PM
Who could have crashed that poll?
Posted by: JRQ | October 1, 2008 9:51 PM
Wow -- all this time, I totally thought it was beetlebaum
Posted by: Aquaria | October 1, 2008 9:52 PM
You're right. You're not ready. You'd really need to work on your pandering, appeasing, ass-kissing, sucking up, and dishonesty skills before you could get anything done as president of this fucked-up place.
Posted by: Crudely Wrott | October 1, 2008 9:53 PM
JRQ. Do you mean Beetle Bomb the race horse? No, seriously. I'm searching for my roots here!
Posted by: Aquaria | October 1, 2008 9:54 PM
I wonder what marks tentacles will leave on a blue dress? ;)
Posted by: Patricia | October 1, 2008 9:58 PM
AND Beetle Bomb.
Posted by: King of Ferrets | October 1, 2008 9:58 PM
Crash my poll! Miiiiiiiiiine! What? You aren't going to? *sob*
Posted by: Nerd of Redhead | October 1, 2008 9:59 PM
Knowing PZ, it would be the Trophy Wife's dress. No problemo.Posted by: Paper Hand | October 1, 2008 10:07 PM
Yay! President Meyers!
Posted by: Eamon Knight | October 1, 2008 10:08 PM
You're a damn sight readier than Hockey Mom.
Posted by: AJ Milne | October 1, 2008 10:09 PM
Clearly you're not ready. I mean, you haven't even selected your running mate. And we all know what a painstaking process of careful, thoughtful selection that has to be.
One sec. Let me help you out...
(Pulls out phonebook... throws dart...)
Congratulations. Your running mate is... umm...
Okay. Those were the Yellow pages... one sec... your running mate is...
Oh, fuck it. All the jokes have been done, haven't they?
Posted by: JRQ | October 1, 2008 10:09 PM
yeah -- there was a horse race (William Tell Overture) and a car race (Dance of the Hours) and "Feitlebaum", apparently, won both. I had no idea.
"and here comes the WINNERRRRRRR.......!"
Posted by: Ken Cope | October 1, 2008 10:13 PM
For anybody born in some Bizarro universe lacking 78RPM vinyl, or the Dr. Demento Show, "Feitlebaum" is from one of those murdered classics by Spike Jones in which Doodles Weaver (Sigourney's uncle) calls the famous race. That youtube video is the best I can find at the moment; I'll have to break down and buy the DVD once I can resume deficit spending for anything other than presidential campaigns and college.
Posted by: Jadehawk | October 1, 2008 10:14 PM
now if only we could pharyngulate the real election like that...
Posted by: BobC | October 1, 2008 10:15 PM
McCain: I believe in evolution. But I also believe, when I hike the Grand Canyon and see it at sunset, that the hand of God is there also.
PZ Myers: My point here is that there is an incredible amount of evidence for evolution, far more than any one person can digest, and that it is a vital field, still growing and still producing new results. All those papers don't get published unless they contain some new observation, a new experiment, a new test of the idea...and evolution has weathered them all.
McCain can't talk about science without invoking his magic fairy. McCain is a childish idiot, and he's the favorite candidate of the Discovery Institute creationists. Of course PZ does not invoke supernatural magic when he talks about science. Unfortunately I don't think an atheist (also known as a normal person) could win an election in Idiot America.
Posted by: The MadPanda | October 1, 2008 10:16 PM
All Hail Our Tentacular Overlord!
Hail! Hail! Hail!
(Snow...)
Will Great Cthulhu be your running mate or your pick for Secretary of State? I only ask 'cause I'm the Elder Party Delegate from the State of Perplexity...
The MadPanda, FCD
Posted by: Isherwood | October 1, 2008 10:31 PM
I only hope the reason McCain beat Obama is because all Obama's supporters cast tongue-in-cheek votes for PZ.
I hope.
Posted by: Wicked Lad | October 1, 2008 10:31 PM
JRQ wrote:
Me, too. I'm bummed out. My childhood illusion is obliterated.
Posted by: Patricia | October 1, 2008 10:44 PM
*pouty lips*
I used to call my little brother Beetle Bomb, because he couldn't run as fast as I.
Now after all these years - I was hearing it wrong.
Wah!
Posted by: Chris (in Columbus) | October 1, 2008 10:47 PM
Come on! PZ FOR PRESIDENT!!! I think you'd be able to fix a lot of this mess we're in. :-P
Posted by: aarrgghh | October 1, 2008 10:53 PM
i'm afraid pz is eminently disqualified according to the palin principle.
Posted by: Crudely Wrott | October 1, 2008 10:54 PM
Thank you, JRQ and Patricia.
There was once a comedy routine that featured the sway-backed Beetle Bomb. (True spelling uncertain.) Also running was Mrs Astor's Girdle who was strong in the stretch and Banana Peel who slipped ahead along the inside rail.
I memorized it and gave it to my fifth grade class for show-and-tell one day. Damned if I can remember the other horses.
. . .maybe if I could give it up it would all come flooding back . . . naah.
Any further clues?
On Topic: If PZ were the PreZ, I would expect him to immediately declare that all politicians submit to a test of scientific literacy. Nothing too tough, College prep level. Results to be widely distributed.
/end dream-like state
Posted by: Sven DiMilo | October 1, 2008 10:58 PM
Speakin' o' hockey moms:
Coming soon to a theater near you...It's Head of Skate!
Posted by: AJ Milne | October 1, 2008 11:00 PM
Come on! PZ FOR PRESIDENT!!! I think you'd be able to fix a lot of this mess we're in...
Honestly, between the economy and the quagmire, I don't think I could in good conscience ask PZ to clean up the mess. That just ain't right...
Hell, come to think of it, I'm not sure I'd wish that job on anyone, right now. Not even McCain, and he's really been starting to strike me as being a total dick, of late... I mean, damn, I'm not sure anyone's that big a dick that they should be on the hook for all of it.
Can't you make Bush and Cheney pay back all the couple hundred billion they've spent on their precious desert mess so far and then hold the election? That seems fairer.
Posted by: Cuttlefish, OM | October 1, 2008 11:10 PM
A poll! A poll! We must extol
The virtues of some worthy soul!
So vote! Yes, vote! Don't miss the boat--
Although his chances are remote.
We'll try, and try--it's do or die,
Although the vote may go awry
PZ! PZ! For you and me
And all sane people, who agree.
He won! He won? It's just in fun--
Oh, holy shit, what have we done?
Oh, no! Oh, no! How apropos--
Another on-line poll, you know!
We stuff, and stuff, and call the bluff
Of those who think they're oh so tough
And now, oh now, he'll take a bow
But all I have to say is... wow.
Posted by: Quiet_Desperation | October 1, 2008 11:11 PM
Nooooooooooooo!
I knew your poll crashing would some day have disastrous effects! Youjust HAD to play with fire!
Behold! The wages of your sins!
http://stressbuster1.com/pics/sar-bama/sar-bama.jpg
You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!
Posted by: Jose | October 1, 2008 11:35 PM
It's pretty clear people thought they were voting for Mike Myers.
Posted by: Patricia | October 1, 2008 11:38 PM
Thanks Quiet Desperation. I squinked myself.
Posted by: ndt | October 1, 2008 11:40 PM
PZ, first of all I want to say congratulations. I think you will do a great job. I have only two suggestions:
1. Please don't start any unnecessary wars.
2. Legalize it.
Posted by: S.Scott | October 1, 2008 11:46 PM
No I don't think so - PZ is MUCH sexier! :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QRy-PEgbls
Posted by: Rev. BigDumbChimp, KoT, OM | October 1, 2008 11:50 PM
Just woke up Mrs BDC laughing at that
Posted by: EricJuve | October 1, 2008 11:56 PM
After your election, I need a "rescue" I will forward my bank account number when you are ready. And BTW, congratulations!
Posted by: Krubozumo Nyankoye | October 2, 2008 12:03 AM
I have the same Spike Jones album. You sly dog, you actually looked up the spelling didn't you? (I didn't it just registered the minute I saw it.)
I think, given some good cabinet members, you would make a decent president by comparison to the present circumstances, though somehow I don't think you would really want the job.
If elected will you not serve?
Posted by: PZ Myers | October 2, 2008 12:11 AM
In the real world, if I were asked to be, say, vice president, I would turn it down without hesitation. I'm not qualified and the job would only be a trial -- it wouldn't interest me.
And once upon a time, in the real world, I would have laughed at the very idea that a random citizen with no particular distinction in politics would even be asked to do such a job...but that view changed a few weeks ago.
Posted by: Kevin | October 2, 2008 12:16 AM
oh wow! good for you!
Now send me rebate checks and free crap!
Posted by: Rey Fox | October 2, 2008 12:26 AM
(In which I reveal my horribly youthful condition)
What in the heck are you guys talking about? This is Beetlebum:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yci8GY9kUqg
Don't know what it has to do with mock presidential polls.
Posted by: Geral | October 2, 2008 12:40 AM
This thread what PZ mentioned about being asked about being VP reminded me of this video:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1831461
Posted by: Ron Sullivan | October 2, 2008 1:08 AM
PZ @ 39: In the real world, if I were asked to be, say, vice president, I would turn it down without hesitation. I'm not qualified...
Oh, I am! I've got more vice than anybody here. C'mon, bring it on, bring it on!
I'm impressed. I cut my teeth on Spike Jones--on 78rpm records in the basement--and I heard it as "Beetlebomb" too.
Posted by: David R. | October 2, 2008 1:11 AM
Don't blink, PZ. Don't blink.
Posted by: Patricia | October 2, 2008 1:15 AM
Ahh, you youthful folks that don't remember Beetle Bomb... it was a totally stupid song about a horse race, and every verse ended in - AND Beetle Bomb. In the most dead pan voice ever. By the end of the song Beetle Bomb was so far behind the rest of the pack he couldn't even be seen.
To be called Beetle Bomb when I was a little kid was fightin' words.
Posted by: Kel | October 2, 2008 1:15 AM
I found that really sad that he had to qualify science with belief. What has society come to?!?Posted by: Patricia | October 2, 2008 1:25 AM
Hey Scooter - you old knucklehead, drag us all out Beetle Bomb. You must have it somewhere. Probably right next to Crawdaddy Hole.
Posted by: Phil | October 2, 2008 1:35 AM
Run for the hills.
Posted by: Patricia | October 2, 2008 1:43 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkJTqr_A3gg
Damn kids.
Posted by: Crudely Wrott | October 2, 2008 1:51 AM
But, Patricia, as I recall, Beetle Bomb won the race at the wire.
He was the horse of every man, the little engine that could.And he did well. Not well enough to run the country, but well.
Posted by: Patricia | October 2, 2008 2:03 AM
Noooo!
Beetle Bomb is actually on YouTube - just type in Beetle Bomb and the song will come up.
I've been hillbilly double toe and heel tapping to Crawdaddy Hole. Not what I grew up with. Damn kids.
Posted by: Patricia | October 2, 2008 2:11 AM
Beetle Bomb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXRj9lSnJnI
I hope that link works.
Posted by: Patricia | October 2, 2008 2:24 AM
By damn Crudely Wrott, you could be right. It's a dicey race.
But lets keep it between ourselves. My little brother deserves all the pounding he can get.
Posted by: RBH | October 2, 2008 2:57 AM
I haven't heard Spike Jones since 1952 when in disgust my mother gave my dad's Spike Jones and Abbot & Costello ("Who's On First?") 78s to her brother-in-law, thereby earning the lasting ire of her sister. :)
Posted by: Christophe Thill | October 2, 2008 3:59 AM
PZ for PreZident.
Let America evolve.
Now.
Posted by: slang | October 2, 2008 4:13 AM
Heh.. classic vote result.
Posted by: LaTomate | October 2, 2008 5:46 AM
Man, if only 't'were true...
Posted by: co | October 2, 2008 5:57 AM
Thanks to some bitching on Conservapedia, and my self-destructive habit of lurking there to see what the crazies are up to, I bring you the latest video to rouse ire:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abZLjIpHzj8
Please, PZ, win that election!
Posted by: Lord Zero | October 2, 2008 9:30 AM
PZ for president 2008 and PCR for all!!!
We will run a science parade with labcoats,
phase contrast microscopes and powerful pcs
for field work.
Man, a scientific as a president would be
one of the greatest laps forward for mankind
ever.
I can picture it, a country of logic and
reason... an utopian of real knowlenge without
the dark clouds of misticism.
Maybe im dreaming too much.
Posted by: Randy | October 2, 2008 11:08 AM
Obviously, it's a crafty ploy by the Catholics in order to blame PZ for the fruits of Bush's labor.
Posted by: Naked Bunny with a Whip | October 2, 2008 1:48 PM
I hope I don't get shaved so the prosecutor can present the stain PZ left on my fur to Congress during the impeachment hearings.
Posted by: David Marjanović, OM | October 2, 2008 1:48 PM
Not going to be necessary unless the "irregularities" rise to Liberian levels (where a candidate once had a majority of 22 million votes, at 15 million eligible voters in the whole country).
Problem is, you are better qualified than lots of people who have been asked, and even than several who have accepted...
Sounds good.
Posted by: El Herring | October 2, 2008 2:17 PM
Well in that case, Douglas Adams would have argued that that statement alone proves you are the perfect man for the job!
Posted by: Will Von Wizzlepig | October 2, 2008 5:33 PM
Now, PZ is far too valuable to waste on a double-talking dog-and-pony-show job like president of the USA.
As long as the president answers to PZ, I think that's good enough.
Posted by: Epacris | October 2, 2008 11:17 PM
Spike Jones transcript at www.ibras.dk/comedy/spike1.htm#Tell (except Bisquit = Biscuit, & near the end instead of "Louis speaks with the left" it's more likely to be "Louis leads with the left").
Thanks for reminding me of this. It was one of my parents' favourites, but I haven't heard it for a long while. Like most, we'd always heard it as Beidlebaum.