Pharyngula

How else could a naked clergyman get a potato in there?

Just a suggestion: if he’d been wearing two wetsuits while hanging his curtains, it would never have happened.

Comments

  1. #1 Penon
    December 1, 2008

    But, was the potato peeled, or unpeeled? Somehow that question seems very important.

  2. #2 Nick Gotts
    December 1, 2008

    Now, now, this is quite unfair – I’m sure the potato was provocatively dressed, and so is primarily to blame.

  3. #3 Dirty Hairy
    December 1, 2008

    Honest to Kahless, a friend of the family told a similar story about a gentleman and a light bulb. I never thought I would see it’s like again. How wrong I was.

  4. #4 Jeeves
    December 1, 2008

    I could be wrong, but wouldn’t a person have to fall at an impressive speed and from a decent height to completely wedge a potato in their ass? Perhaps the curtains were by the second story loft (40-50 ft) and perhaps he’s a largish chap…Hey, maybe the guys from Mythbusters could give it a shot!

  5. #5 Joe
    December 1, 2008

    The question we all want answered – was he fooling around with Mrs. or Mr. Potato head?

  6. #6 The Petey
    December 1, 2008

    and I’m sure the good old vicar keeps all his tubers well coated in vaseline in order to increase shelf life.

  7. #7 Rev. BigDumbChimp, KoT, OM
    December 1, 2008

    A hospital trust spokeswoman in Sheffield said: “Like all busy hospitals we do see some unusual accidents.

    “But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way.”

    Right, like leaking some of the details to the press.

    At least it wasn’t a fusilli Jesus.

  8. #8 the Petey
    December 1, 2008

    “The question we all want answered – was he fooling around with Mrs. or Mr. Potato head?”

    if he was catholic it was an altar-boy potato head

  9. #9 Glen Davidson
    December 1, 2008

    Why didn’t the idiot just call it a miracle? After all, complex organisms were “miracled” into existence, why not a stray potato up his ass?

    Just one of those whimsical things that the Creator and/or time-traveling superphysicists do to clergymen who’d never have more prosaic reasons for such odd “accidents.”

    Glen D
    http://tinyurl.com/2kxyc7

  10. #10 Randy
    December 1, 2008

    Oh, my Gawd. I’ve got tears in my eyes. The entire office here at my day job is still chuckling over this one. I especially liked the final sentence in the news article, cheekily entitled “Vicar went to hospital with potato stuck in bottom”:

    “But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way.”

  11. #11 TSC
    December 1, 2008

    Hey baby won’t you take a chance?
    Say that you’ll let me have this dance

    Well let’s dance, well let’s dance
    We’ll do the twist, the stomp, the mashed potato too,
    Any old dance that you wanna do
    But let’s dance, well let’s dance

  12. #12 jj
    December 1, 2008

    “Posted by: Penon | December 1, 2008 2:01 PM

    But, was the potato peeled, or unpeeled? Somehow that question seems very important.”

    Safety & hygiene First :)

  13. #13 Zeno
    December 1, 2008

    It reminds me of that old line from TV commercials: “How often has this happened to you?”

    Um. Well, never. Thank you.

    And that vicar should keep forceps handy the next time he indulges in “curtain hanging.”

  14. #14 Adrián
    December 1, 2008

    He will switch to french fries after this (Biggie size).

  15. #15 Badjuggler
    December 1, 2008

    Q. How do you know it’s a vicar?
    A. It’s tattooed on the back of ‘is neck!

  16. #16 Longtime Lurker
    December 1, 2008

    Why didn’t the idiot just call it a miracle?

    Transpudstantiation?

  17. #17 Sid Schwab
    December 1, 2008

    Righto, Vicar, you spudly dude.

    I wrote about a similarly questionable explanation on my surgeon’s blog. The stories are legion.

  18. #18 negentropyeater
    December 1, 2008

    The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table.
    He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.

    In French, we have a funny expression for this :
    Il veut nous faire prendre des vessies pour des lanternes
    (he wants us to believe that bladders are lanterns)

    Is there an expression for this in English ?

  19. #19 Dutchman
    December 1, 2008

    “if he was catholic it was an altar-boy potato head”

    AKA, tater tots

  20. #20 MarkusR
    December 1, 2008

    “I swear, I was hanging curtains and fell on that hooker.”

  21. #21 Alex
    December 1, 2008

    This gives new meaning to the term “Fallen”.

    Lucky for him it wasn’t a pineapple.

  22. #22 Steverino
    December 1, 2008

    I bet his french fries taste like shit!

  23. #23 SplendidMonkey
    December 1, 2008

    Potatoes Au Rectum?

  24. #24 Rey Fox
    December 1, 2008

    It was a million-to-one shot, doc.

  25. #25 NickG
    December 1, 2008

    Unfortunately most people who come in with something stuck in their rectum are not exactly ‘sex positive folks’ (because otherwise they would have the good sense to use something with a flange at the base and/or tie a string on it.)

    So the ‘I fell on it’ or the ‘my buddy put it up there while I was sleeping’ lines are not entirely uncommon. Though a word of advice: if this ever happens to you just be honest that you were getting your freak on with a vegetable. You get points for being forthright and then we don’t have the cool story about the idiot who said he fell on it to tell later.

    On a related note, when I was a resident we had a (required) lecture about rectal foreign bodies. They brought in a guest speaker to do it. She was an attending in emergency medicine in Hershey PA and also a Roman Catholic Nun.

    She played it completely straight. Not one effing joke the entire hour. What could have been the best talk in the entire EM core curriculum was ruined by a Catholic wanker. They screw up everything!

    Nick

  26. #26 Janine ID AKA The Lone Drinker
    December 1, 2008

    Just a suggestion: if he’d been wearing two wetsuits while hanging his curtains, it would never have happened.

    Um, that is because there would not have been room for the potato.

    Clothing: The decedent was received wearing two (2) wet suits, one scuba diving mask, one pair of diving gloves, one pair of slippers, one pair of rubber underwear, two (2) ties, five (5) belts, eleven (11) straps.

    Personal Effects: One yellow metal ring intact on left ring finger, one dildo.

  27. #27 Jello
    December 1, 2008

    Jeeves @4

    That brilliant and easy too. All you’d need is a dead pig, some rope and a potato. Drop the pig form various heights till the potato sticks and you have you answer. Or perhaps I’m thinking to much about this.

  28. #28 MH
    December 1, 2008

    “Why didn’t the idiot just call it a miracle?”

    Vicar to doctor: Look, I was just casting some spells over some bits of bread in order to turn them into bits of 2000 year old dead Jew, and I must have got the words mixed up and thus transubstantiated my poo into a rather large potato, which just happened to look like a ‘thingy’. What? Why are looking at me like that? I’m hardly going to lie; I’m a vicar.

  29. #29 Ouchimoo
    December 1, 2008

    “But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way.”

    Right, by putting it in the newspapers.
    lolz

  30. #30 Janine ID AKA The Lone Drinker
    December 1, 2008

    Posted by: Rey Fox | December 1, 2008

    It was a million-to-one shot, doc.

    We all know from reading our Pratchett that a million-to-one shot has an one in eight chance in seceding.

  31. #31 RamblinDude
    December 1, 2008

    I’m not surprised. Some of these vicar types are real bottom feeders.

  32. #32 Sven DIMilo
    December 1, 2008

    Busch D B, Starling J R. Rectal foreign bodies: Case reports and a comprehensive review of the world’s literature. Surg 1986; 100: 512-519.
    “The study reports, among other items: a beer glass, a suitcase key and a magazine”

    X-rays linked from here.

  33. #33 Bill Dauphin
    December 1, 2008

    Hey, maybe the guys from Mythbusters could give [testing this story] a shot!

    Sounds like a can’t miss pay-per-view episode to me!

  34. #34 jj
    December 1, 2008

    I’ve got a buddy’s who’s father is an ER Doc, and he has sooo many of these stories to tell. The worst he said he ever saw was a curling iron.

  35. #35 8teist
    December 1, 2008

    Hanging curtains while naked? yeah right, I`m sure the neighbours were delighted to see that.

  36. #36 Janine ID AKA The Lone Drinker
    December 1, 2008

    Some of the comments here reminded me of this charming book, Autoerotic Fatalities.

  37. #37 Alex
    December 1, 2008

    So is that new code language? Curtain Hanging Parties

  38. #38 Interrobang
    December 1, 2008

    On a related note, when I was a resident we had a (required) lecture about rectal foreign bodies. They brought in a guest speaker to do it. She was an attending in emergency medicine in Hershey PA and also a Roman Catholic Nun.

    Given that this paragraph contains the phrases “rectal foreign bodies,” “guest speaker,” “Hershey, PA,” and “Roman Catholic nun,” you’d almost expect the phrase “walked into a bar” to be in there somewhere, wouldn’t you? I’m attempting to stifle a plethora of Hershey Highway jokes, and not really succeeding

  39. #39 Lisa KS
    December 1, 2008

    Not clicking on the link. Not doing it. Not–not–clicking on the link!!

  40. #40 E.V.
    December 1, 2008

    Umm, I linked to this a couple of weeks ago on one of the threads here.
    Perhaps this potato was shaped like the turnip Black Adder served to his Round Head relatives – it looked like a “thingy”, about which Baldric confessed his ‘thingy’ happened to look like a turnip.
    Anyway, I hope the potato had been doused with oil first, for his sake. =0

  41. #41 SteveM
    December 1, 2008

    Actually if he didn’t want to cop to some “exploration” couldn’t he have just said,”What difference does it make how it got there, just get it out!”. Better than making up a completely ridiculous story that is bound to get passed around everywhere.

  42. #42 pcarini
    December 1, 2008
    “But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way.”

    Right, like leaking some of the details to the press.

    Rev. BDC always beats me to the punch… sending the story to The Telegraph is neither discreet nor professional.

    Since I have nothing new to add, I’ll leave you with a verse from Frank Zappa’s Call Any Vegetable:

    Call any vegetable Pick up your phone /
    Think of a vegetable Lonely at home /
    Call any vegetable And the chances are good /
    That a vegetable will *respond* to you /

  43. #43 Cuttlefish, OM
    December 1, 2008

    Did this potato
    Have an image of Jesus?
    “Nearer, my God, to…”

    http://digitalcuttlefish.blogspot.com/2008/01/pareidolia.html

  44. #44 culmastadm
    December 1, 2008

    Is there an expression for this in English ?

    YEah, it goes:
    “What a dumb-ass!”

  45. #45 Kobra
    December 1, 2008

    @43: I was just thinking, “I want to see what Cuttlefish does in response to this.”

  46. #46 Blondin
    December 1, 2008

    How ’bout that – a brown-eyed potato…

  47. #47 ffrancis
    December 1, 2008

    Writing as a practical sort of gardener, what I want to know is what variety of potato it was? I mean, there’s a big difference between, say, a Green Mountain and a Russian Fingerling…

  48. #48 Kobra
    December 1, 2008

    I meant, @44: I hate my laptop keyboard. I’m not used to not having a numpad.

  49. #49 Blondin
    December 1, 2008

    This reminds me of a joke where the punch-line goes something like: “No no! If you want to attract girls you put a potato down the FRONT of your bathing suit!”

  50. #50 Longtime Lurker
    December 1, 2008

    The vicar only claimed to be naked because wearing a tutu would be considered more scandalous:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5kxUSrYngo

  51. #51 Rev. BigDumbChimp, KoT, OM
    December 1, 2008

    First it was the talking iPhone adds…. now Talking Navy recruitment adds.

    booo Seed boooooooooooooooooooooo

  52. #52 spud u like
    December 1, 2008

    Well, the inclusion of this trivial (and entirely unoriginal) piece, and the pathetic schadenfreude over the fact that the victim was (ooooh!) a vicar, really signifies to me that Pharyngula has reached rock bottom (fnar, for those so inclined). It used to be a good read. Now it’s more like a self-parody, and PZ is looking more than a little desperate. Sad.

  53. #53 Nelson Muntz
    December 1, 2008

    So, was the potato circumcised –relieved of its skin? Was the potato of legal age? This sounds like a job for Ric Romero.

  54. #54 E.V.
    December 1, 2008

    A potato… Not a cucumber, not a carrot. Not a zucchini – a potato.
    Maybe it was a fingerling potato. One that could stand all on its own. If not, now the Vicar can authoritatively use the epithet fuck me sideways!
    Oh, I tell ya’, it’s a bum rap. *ba doom doom chic*

    (Surely one of the parishioners can afford to give a dildo or butt plug to the good Vicar. A Fleshlight? too? The parents of the altar boys should consider it a charitable donation.)

  55. #55 Steve_C
    December 1, 2008

    hehe… awww spud… IT’S FUNNY! And funnier because it’s a Vicar.

    Wow. No sense of humor at all.

  56. #56 Rev. BigDumbChimp, KoT, OM
    December 1, 2008

    Well, the inclusion of this trivial (and entirely unoriginal) piece, and the pathetic schadenfreude over the fact that the victim was (ooooh!) a vicar,

    Missing the point for 1000 alex

  57. #57 Old Goat
    December 1, 2008

    Don’t be silly… they start with grapes, then golf balls, potatoes, grapefruit, and by the time you’ve managed to get a basketball lodged up there… BAM! There’s enough room for your head! Fits nice and easy! Off into the world with ya, you dodgy Christian!

  58. #58 E.V.
    December 1, 2008

    Spud , with all that shit on your teeth, I’ll just assume you ate the potato. Thanks for playing, idiotic Butt Munch!

  59. #59 Son of a Nonymous
    December 1, 2008

    @spud:

    Well, it’s a laugh, innit?

  60. #60 Kristoffer
    December 1, 2008

    And generally, it’s scripture their pulling out of their ass.

  61. #62 SplendidMonkey
    December 1, 2008

    I swear I thought the sack was empty.

  62. #63 Matt Heath
    December 1, 2008

    Perhaps this potato was shaped like the turnip Black Adder served to his Round Head relatives – it looked like a “thingy”, about which Baldric confessed his ‘thingy’ happened to look like a turnip.

    Pedent time. They were Puritans but not Roundheads. It was in the series set in Elizabethan times.

  63. #64 Darles Chickens
    December 1, 2008

    Rock bottom, hmm, I think that’s potato bottom….

    That reminds me, In Canyonlands Park in Utah, on the White Rim Trail, one of the campsites is called Potato Bottom Campsite. I wonder where that name came from……..

  64. #65 Tim H
    December 1, 2008

    The national origin of the potato is not mentioned in the article, which is a possible disservice to the kind vicar. It might have been a French potato, and in French, potato is a feminine noun. (Source- Dave Barry’s Greatest Hits)

  65. #66 blf
    December 1, 2008

    The VLF (Veggie Liberation Front) Manifesto

    We, the vegetables of the world, must unit and throw off the dreadful consumers of our breathen. Fibres are not for eating, leaves are not for chewing, roots are not swallowing, they are our vital bodily mass, serving us in times good and bad, winter and summer, day and night. The hairless ape, the long pig, the descendent of a monkey, rips us from the earth, tears us away from our mother, and boils our very being. And our friends the bean. The murderous monsters fry us, bake us, and even attack us raw with bare teeth, sharp knifes, and the iron maiden that is the fork. Arise, arise, fight back, with your every molecule, your every chromosome, every part of your plant’s soul! Attack them on the beaches, in the pantrys, in the vicarages! Do not go down the throat, through the gut, and out the arse. Jump up! Fight back!! Exterminate!!!

  66. #67 The L0LSuit
    December 1, 2008

    (Tag)

  67. #68 Brownian, OM
    December 1, 2008

    Nothing ruins a joke more than having to explain it to a maroon, but here’s to you spud (and anybody else that thinks that pointing out such acts amounts to nothing more than schadenfreude):

    The reason we point and laugh with such zeal at such events is that they constitute data points against the hypothesis that religiousity provides any protection whatsoever from ‘immoral’ acts, not because we want to see a priest get his comeuppance (okay, some priests deserve it), and that the religious are more ‘moral’ than anyone else, a claim that they have so successfully insinuated into our culture that it’s taken for granted that members of the clergy are good or trustworthy people (which I’m sure they are, like the average layperson). As we’ve seen, sometimes this misplaced trust has dire consequences.

    Further, most Abrahamic religions have at their core some idea that the world would be a wonderful place if we were all just godly enough, and we should continue to strive to acheive this godly perfection, regardless of how impossible or inhuman such a goal would be. Nowhere in church doctrine is this fallacious reasoning more apparent than in the anti-sex attitudes they hold, and thus sexual scandals among the clergy are so delicious.

    Hell, even ‘moderate’ churches will claim it’s not a sin to be a homosexual, but just to act as one. But it seems to me that when men whose job it is to talk to God all day can’t keep stuff out of their ass, then what business do any of them have blathering on to the rest of us who have real jobs about pre-marital sex, homosexuality, and the rest.

    If you’d really still rather that people not delight in priestly sex scandals, then I’ve got a solution for you, spud: have all the priests STFU with regard to sex. Then we won’t care what they shove up their asses, as long as whatever goes up there is capable of giving necessary and sufficient consent.

  68. #69 Brownian, OM
    December 1, 2008

    At any rate, the poor vicar was merely slightly confused: you’ve got the serving method down pat, Vicar, but the salad they’re referring to in prison is tossed not potato.

  69. #70 Raynfala
    December 1, 2008

    “You using the whole spud, Doc?”

  70. #71 MikeM
    December 1, 2008

    I was going to say he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life, but that isn’t right, is it?

    And “He’s going to be a tuber the rest of his life” doesn’t quite cut it either.

    Hang on. I’m working on it.

  71. #72 Graham
    December 1, 2008

    “The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table.”

    Sounds like he’s putting his apologetics skills to good use.

  72. #73 Jack Rawlinson
    December 1, 2008

    Now come on, be fair. Who among us can honestly say we’ve never fallen anus-first onto a large root vegetable while naked and landed on it with such force as to ram it clear into our rectums?

    No one?

    Damn. Just me then, I guess. It was only a fingerling, thank goodness.

  73. #74 Brownian, OM
    December 1, 2008

    I hope he gets booted out of his parish. After all, Matthew 7 explicitly states:

    3And why beholdest thou the condom that is on thy brother’s penis, but considerest not the tuber that is in thine own rectum?

    4Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull the condom off of thine penis; and, behold, a tuber is in thine own rectum?

    5Thou hypocrite, first cast out the tuber out of thine own rectum; and then shalt thou walk unbowlegged to cast off the condom off of thy brother’s penis.

  74. #75 Kubenzi
    December 1, 2008

    He’s not strange..

    He just wants to live his life this wa-hay

  75. #76 AJ Milne
    December 1, 2008

    It reminds me of that old line from TV commercials: “How often has this happened to you?”

    Me, I was gonna go with ‘Damn, I hate it when that happens’.

    But either way, let’s face it, the line’s just lying there…

    Waiting for you to fall on it. Ass-first. While hanging curtains. In the nude…

    Anyway…

    nfortunately most people who come in with something stuck in their rectum are not exactly ‘sex positive folks’ (because otherwise they would have the good sense to use something with a flange at the base and/or tie a string on it.)

    I’m picturing this pamphlet that could be distributed to emergency departments, just for these folks… Headline: ‘So you’d like to stick something in your rectum…’

    It’s all pictorial, see, like a lot of this stuff. There’s two columns of icons:

    On the left, under the word ‘Yes’, with the big standard green checkmark, we have an assortment of the sex toys designed for this purpose, with aforementioned flanges and so on to prevent accidental and embarassing loss…

    On the right, under the word ‘No’, with the big green X, we have a potato, a small rodent, a pineapple, a watermelon…

    I tells ya, if it hasn’t been done, it really should be.

  76. #77 E.V.
    December 1, 2008

    Thanks Matt. You’re right, they were Puritans not Round Heads. This obviously isn’t a case of “po TAY to”/”po TAH to”.

  77. #78 E.V.
    December 1, 2008

    “Roundheads” was the nickname given to the Puritan supporters of Parliament during the English Civil War.

  78. #79 Colugo
    December 1, 2008
  79. #80 E.V.
    December 1, 2008

    Brownian:
    I have the feeling Spud (or S’ Pud) was one of our regular drive by trolls who finds fault with PZ’s ridicule of any religious (christian) figure. I’m sure any humor is lost on Spud beyond “Veggie Tales”. ; )
    ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
    (My apologies, MH @#28. I didn’t mean to step on your Black Adder reference)

  80. #81 spud u like
    December 1, 2008

    @#68: Erm, the clerical hypocrisy that you so kindly and long-windedly “explain” is just another facet of the stating of the bleeding obvious that makes this thread so lame in the first place. Pointing out every ridiculous case of the religious not living up to their preachy ways rapdidly reaches the point of diminishing returns, I think.

    Or maybe I’m wrong and this thread really is at the cutting edge of promoting freethought. How scary that would be.

    “…random biological ejaculation…” Well, given the amount of utter wank here, I guess that’s about right.

    @#80: nope, just a formerly avid reader and lurker. Sad that your best attack on me is to question my sense of humour, something your totally unqualified to comment upon.

  81. #82 tsg
    December 1, 2008

    One of the actors in a play I was working on told me a story (I have no idea if it is really true). Every once in a while, he would receive a FedEx package from an EMT friend containing a piece of paper on which was written what someone recently had to be taken to the hospital to have removed from his bottom. One time he got “an umbrella”.

    The question that immediately came to my mind was “was it open?”

    Back to the original story, what kind of mind does it take to think that hanging curtains naked and falling on a potato is less embarrassing than putting it there on purpose? If it were me, I’d be telling the doctor I put it there even if I really did fall on it because there is just no way he would ever believe it. “I was drunk and my buddy bet me $50 I couldn’t do it,” is just going to go over a whole lot better.

  82. #83 Jason A.
    December 1, 2008

    I fully support the testing of potato-wedge-in-ass-via-fall on mythbusters

  83. #84 tsg
    December 1, 2008

    @#68: Erm, the clerical hypocrisy that you so kindly and long-windedly “explain” is just another facet of the stating of the bleeding obvious that makes this thread so lame in the first place. Pointing out every ridiculous case of the religious not living up to their preachy ways rapdidly reaches the point of diminishing returns, I think.

    Or maybe I’m wrong and this thread really is at the cutting edge of promoting freethought. How scary that would be.

    “…random biological ejaculation…” Well, given the amount of utter wank here, I guess that’s about right.

    Tonight’s top story: Reader Finds Blog Entry Uninteresting. Film at Eleven.

  84. #85 Shamar
    December 1, 2008

    I just have one thing to say…..

    ….ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha

    Oh jeah…..HA!

  85. #86 annie
    December 1, 2008

    OMFG, I’m gasping with laughter here. Two spews in a single comment thread (“transpudstantiation” and “tater tots”), is a record. Just wanted to say thanks, y’all, I needed that!

    *wiping laugh tears from my eyes*

  86. #87 pcarini
    December 1, 2008

    Or maybe I’m wrong and this thread really is at the cutting edge of promoting freethought. How scary that would be.

    Free thought can take care of itself for the duration of this thread, one would hope.

  87. #88 Wowbagger
    December 1, 2008

    spud u like,

    Your concern is noted.

  88. #89 Milo Johnson
    December 1, 2008

    Just from the logical standpoint, if the potato was just sitting on a table and he fell on it, wouldn’t it have gone in…

    …sideways?

  89. #90 'Tis Himself
    December 1, 2008

    It’s purely an urban legend that the following happened:

    “In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil,” Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew “Kiki” Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a sexual session had gone seriously wrong. “I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in.” he explained. “As usual, Kiki shouted out “Armageddon”, my cue that he’d had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.”

    At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. “The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr.Tomaszewski’s hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil’s fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball.”

    Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. Raggot the Gerbil did not survive the incident.

  90. #91 'Tis Himself
    December 1, 2008

    Blockquote fail in #90

  91. #92 E.V.
    December 1, 2008

    @#80: nope, just a formerly avid reader and lurker. Sad that your best attack on me is to question my sense of humour, something your totally unqualified to comment upon.

    All I have to go on is what you’ve written. My assertions, despite your denials, remain to be disproved. I’ll offer you a dichotomy though, you’re either a troll or a prig. (If you don’t like the blog why do you read it and then protest how bad it is?) Oops, my bad – false dichotomy, you’re obviously both.

  92. #93 L
    December 1, 2008

    The Benny Hill theme music is now playing on a loop tape in my head. Thanks for that.

  93. #94 CJ
    December 1, 2008

    Il veut nous faire prendre des vessies pour des lanternes

    Is there an expression for this in English ?

    There is an English expression that means essentially the same: Pull the other one, it’s got bells on.

    It’s a sarcastic way of saying that they’re not fooling you.

    I saw someone mention Terry Pratchett. He’s fond of this phrase.

  94. #95 spud u like
    December 1, 2008

    @#92: so your habit is to make sweeping judgements based on very limited information? I guess there’s not much i can do about that.

    troll: no, I don’t think expressing a sincere point of view that happens to be contradictory to that of PZ’s fanboy base can really be called trolling.

    prig: that’s just a non sequitur. How does raising an objection to the tired triteness of a theme that has been done to death qualify me as a prig? I just looked up the definition of “prig” just to make sure. Maybe you ought to do the same.

    Not such much a false dichotomy as a mindless comparison.

  95. #96 MikeM
    December 1, 2008

    I’ve got it! “Tuber Tails!” (pun intended)

    Thanks for your patience.

  96. #97 WRMartin
    December 1, 2008

    @92, and by extension (no, not a long potato) 81–
    And yet Spud U Like is still commenting on such a lame thread over an hour and a half later. Reminds me of a (sadly only imaginary) scene of church elders in the basement listening to Led Zeppelin backwards very carefully over and over again trying to locate the satanic parts.

    Yo, Spud, until you have a better story about church elders with unauthorized anal insertions, how about you stop with the seagulling and leave us to our wee bit o’ fun, eh?

    Now lets see if we can track down an unauthorized source at the NHS for the details. Was it a fingerling or an Idaho baking potato? Inquiring minds want to know.

    And in other news, the Vicar’s wife was at Tescos the other day…

    wait for it…

    buying a vegetable cleaning brush, some bleach, a new bag of spuds, and some lube.

    Hey, they have Name It And Claim It – and all we have is Name It And Shame It so we need to make use of it whenever we can.

  97. #98 Brownian, OM
    December 1, 2008

    Pointing out every ridiculous case of the religious not living up to their preachy ways rapdidly reaches the point of diminishing returns, I think.

    Oh, dear me, not every case, Spud: just the funny ones (attempting to point out every case of religious hypocrisy would require this blog become the premier use of the internet, upstaging both social networking and porn.) Since you seem to have missed the humour inherent in priestly posterior potatoes, it seems like E.V. was right to have questioned your sense of funny. (I can’t comment on whether or not E.V. is qualified, but as a motherfucking funny guy I sure as hell am.)

    As an anthropological aside, humour involving the genitals, bowels, and bodily functions is probably the oldest form of humour, and is nearly definitely the most universal.

    I once read about a party/feast at some !Kung San village in which a few of the villagers were trash-talking each other. The winner achieved supremacy with an insult to the effect of, “Oh yeah? Well, your labia are so long that they hang down to the ground like elephant ears and constantly trip you.”

    Are you telling us the !Kung and their humour are beneath you, spud?

  98. #99 Wowbagger
    December 1, 2008

    spud u like,

    No, really – your concern has been noted.

  99. #100 Jello
    December 1, 2008

    Spud, some friendly advise, if you don’t find the post ammusing don’t read it, also, do spend the rest of the afternoon reading all the related comments. If you have better things to do with your time as you seem to indicate then please bugger off.

  100. #101 Pierce R. Butler
    December 1, 2008

    Is this what they mean by “a vicarious thrill”?

  101. #102 Blind Squirrel FCD
    December 1, 2008

    Unfortunately most people who come in with something stuck in their rectum are not exactly ‘sex positive folks’ (because otherwise they would have the good sense to use something with a flange is at the base and/or tie a string on it)

    So the Flange is at the base?

    So you’re saying that the pointy end goes in first?

    Well, that would certainly explain…

    Never mind.

  102. #103 Jeeves
    December 1, 2008

    @Spud,

    So you don’t see the irony of a man who preaches that non-procreative pleasure is a sin (and that procreative pleasure must be within the guise of religious marriage) shoving a potato up his ass, so he can get some pleasure himself while remaining celibate and pure? A man who is quite possibly telling his congregation (who must call him Father) that wanton pleasure of the flesh is a sin, punishable by the fires of hell is then going home and sticking vegetables up his butt? Nothing funny about that, I guess. No sir.

  103. #104 Pierce R. Butler
    December 1, 2008

    Brownian @ # 68: Did you have to use the word “comeuppance”?

  104. #105 spud u like
    December 1, 2008

    @#97: actually I’m responding to people’s comments on my comments, not on the original lame post. You’d deny me the right of reply? Way to embrace dissent. On the other hand, you are fearlessly attempting to stretch out the already desperately thin joke to breaking point. Good for you.

    To those who can merely impugn my sense of humor: I’m sure we’d laugh at 95% of the same things. But if I don’t conform exactly to your idea of what’s funny, I’m branded humorless. How quickly your pose of tolerance crumbles in the face of disagreement.

  105. #106 AnswersInGenitals
    December 1, 2008

    The good Vicar should thank god that he didn’t fall on some lettuce. The Newspaper headline would have read: “Local Vicar has head up his ass!”

  106. #107 --PatF in Madison
    December 1, 2008

    we praise the colorectal surgeon
    misunderstood and much maligned
    slaving away in the heart of darkness
    working where the sun don’t shine

    So sayeth Monty Python.

  107. #108 Sven DiMilo
    December 1, 2008

    How quickly your pose of tolerance crumbles in the face of disagreement.

    Right. Clearly, Spud, yer a laff riot.

  108. #109 SC
    December 1, 2008

    Brownian – I recommended Bakhtin’s Rabelais and His World here a while back. You’ve probably read it, but if not I think you’d really enjoy it.

    How quickly your pose of tolerance crumbles in the face of disagreement.

    Disagreement, commentary on your sense of humor or lack thereof, and mockery do not equal intolerance.

  109. #110 Wowbagger
    December 1, 2008

    How quickly your pose of tolerance crumbles in the face of disagreement.

    Spud, you’re starting to irritate me. You’ve expressed what you think; others have expressed what they think about what you think.

    Has PZ banned you? Have other posters called for your banning? Where is this ‘crumbling of tolerance’? Who’s implying you can’t write what you want? You looked up the word ‘prig’ – maybe you should look up ‘tolerance’ as well.

    Write away; just don’t bawl and sob when someone disagrees with your opinion and calls you out on it.

  110. #111 E.V.
    December 1, 2008

    It used to be a good read. Now it’s more like a self-parody, and PZ is looking more than a little desperate. Sad.

    Desperate? In what way? It’s humorous.

    Well, the inclusion of this trivial (and entirely unoriginal) piece,…

    See: Prig: Quick definitions (prig)
    ? noun: a person regarded as arrogant and annoying.

    …the pathetic schadenfreude over the fact that the victim was (ooooh!) a vicar, really signifies to me that Pharyngula has reached rock bottom

    Yes the hypocrasy of an anti-pleasure, anti-sexual religion is amusing especially when the excuse for having a root vegetable up one’s posterior is ludicrously improbable.

    , for those so inclined

    Snide little remark to match the overall snide tone. Again this sense of prudishness and priggishness is hard to dismiss.

    And now the pièce de résistance:

    Or maybe I’m wrong and this thread really is at the cutting edge of promoting freethought. How scary that would be.
    “…random biological ejaculation…” Well, given the amount of utter wank here, I guess that’s about right.

    Snide little troll-like remarks.
    As has been pointed out before, you don’t like what’s on the menu? You can offer some positive feedback if you want, just don’t be surprised when the cook tells you to fuck off after you’ve been a rude asshole.
    SO fuck off, Spud.

  111. #112 DingoDave
    December 1, 2008

    Perhaps he was just trying to ‘slow cook’ it up his arse in order to save on gas or electricity.

    Unfortunately, he didn’t bother to research his hypothesis, otherwise he would have quickly discovered that you simply can’t cook jacket potatoes at body temperature.

  112. #113 Brownian, OM
    December 1, 2008

    To those who can merely impugn my sense of humor: I’m sure we’d laugh at 95% of the same things.

    Probably so, Spud, and I don’t believe I’ve ever whined about the 5% of things you find funny that I do not.

    But if I don’t conform exactly to your idea of what’s funny, I’m branded humorless. How quickly your pose of tolerance crumbles in the face of disagreement.

    No, you were branded humourless for complaining that we find something funny that you do not. BTW, 95% of the world finds ‘things shoved up people’s asses that shouldn’t have been’ inherently funny, irrespective of who’s ass such things have been shoved up (unless it’s of course, your own, in which case you probably don’t see the irony in suggesting ‘hindsight is 20/20′).

    To Pierce R. Butler:

    Brownian @ # 68: Did you have to use the word “comeuppance”?

    No, but aren’t we all glad I did?

    To SC:

    Brownian – I recommended Bakhtin’s Rabelais and His World here a while back. You’ve probably read it, but if not I think you’d really enjoy it.

    No, I haven’t read it SC, so thanks for the suggestion. I hope you had a great birthday, BTW.

  113. #114 Hairhead
    December 1, 2008

    So, because you’re a tendentious, boring, prig that means we’re intolerant? Intolerant?

    Really, intolerance would be threatening to look up your ISP and post your home address on the internet, with instructions to commit violence upon you and yours. Intolerance would be to disemvowel your posts, then ban you from this thread and this forum.

    You are either a troll, a fool, or both. And you’re far less amusing than the embarrassed vicar.

  114. #115 BG
    December 1, 2008

    I have a doctor friend who told me the most important thing he learned from his ER time was never to leave anything smaller than a chair on the floor as you will inevitably fall on it and get it lodged in your rectum.

  115. #116 Emmet Caulfield
    December 1, 2008

    You are either a troll, a fool, or both. And you’re far less amusing than the embarrassed vicar.

    And the poker up his ass is far less amusing than the tuber up the vicar’s.

  116. #117 Janine ID AKA The Lone Drinker
    December 1, 2008

    Funny, this is the spud I like better. The less said about the schmuck spud, the better.

  117. #118 DingoDave
    December 1, 2008

    Ref:#115

    Now THAT’S funny! : D

  118. #119 Brownian, OM
    December 1, 2008

    It used to be a good read. Now it’s more like a self-parody, and PZ is looking more than a little desperate. Sad.

    Perhaps spud does hail from those idyllic times when PZ was merely a young grad student with the germ of an idea for a blog and s/he and PZ sat on top of the admin building smoking doobs and talking about how they were going to overthrow the religiocapitalist hegemony, and us latter-day hangers on have totally corrupted the movement (or whatever), but self-parody? desperate? sad? What are you smoking now?

    Read the threads on the Cincinnati Zoo and the Kansas Creation Museum and think how PZ’s sad, pathetic, self-parody of a blog helped to thwart another of Ken Ham’s attempt to co-opt the reputation of science for his own.

    And then tell us what you’ve done lately to protect rationality from the dingleberries.

  119. #120 SC
    December 1, 2008

    No, I haven’t read it SC, so thanks for the suggestion.

    You’re welcome. It’s underappreciated. Just pulled it off the shelf after I wrote that – for anyone in search of a dissertation topic, something meaningful could be written about Bakhtin’s analysis of carnival and the relationship of carnival to attacks on Jewish communities. Eh, probably already been done…

    I hope you had a great birthday, BTW.

    Aaaaw. Thanks (and thanks to everyone for the nice birthday wishes). I had a blast.

    So, because you’re a tendentious, boring, prig that means we’re intolerant? Intolerant?

    People’s use of the fun word “prig” reminds me… I finally started reading Isaacson’s Einstein biography. I’m only on page 39, and I’ve already come across “sprig,” “jangled,” and “insouciant” – all words that deserve more play, as far as I’m concerned. Expect to see them in my future comments. :)

  120. #121 steve_h
    December 1, 2008

    The “first they peel them with their metal knives” aliens are going to love this one.

  121. #122 SC
    December 1, 2008

    Funny, this is the spud I like better.

    Don’t think I don’t have Square Pegs links at the ready for the next time you insult the Dead, love. :P

  122. #123 GregW
    December 1, 2008

    Oh Lord, Bless this, Thy most Holy of tubers and if it by Thy will and desire, stick it where Thy sun don’t shine…amen

  123. #124 Qwerty
    December 1, 2008

    WOW, This is one episode of Veggie Tales we won’t be seeing!

  124. #125 DingoDave
    December 1, 2008

    It’ no wonder that the other guy was wearing two wetsuits!
    He was obviously trying to raise his body temperature in order to more quickly ‘cook the Spud’.

    I see a new phrase in the making.

    Perhaps, whenever someone is discovered with a foreign object up their butt, and/or engaged in suspected auto-erotic activities, the scenario will henceforth be known as ‘Cooking the Spud’.
    Spuds/wetsuits? Sounds like a match made in heavon.

  125. #126 steve_h
    December 1, 2008

    “But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way.”

    Get me “the Sun” stat.

  126. #127 mindlesley
    December 1, 2008

    Re “Cutting edge free thinking” see a patient of mine who had stuffed a ceremonial Malaysian Knife (called a kris) up his arse, followed by a Coke bottle. Nothing we could do from the nether end would remove them. Everything we tried resulted in the scabbard on the kris slipping off which led to danger of perforating the large intestine ( not what you want to do).Eventually the guy had to have part of descending colon removed. One hazard of the do it yourself movement. Not the ideal promotion of Coke either. Mindlesley

  127. #128 Pierce R. Butler
    December 1, 2008

    Let this be a lesson to all you sinners: never put up curtains without wearing your safety burlap!

  128. #129 Zeno
    December 1, 2008

    From now on I will not be able to keep a straight face when I hear or read the words “hanging curtains.” It will forever seem a euphemism.

  129. #130 Mrs Tilton
    December 1, 2008

    if he’d been wearing two wetsuits … it would never have happened

    See, this just goes to show that you godless heathens don’t get it. The Lord looks after His own.

    That “two wetsuits” remark obviously refers to the late Reverend Eldridge. What PZ doesn’t realize (doubtless because Satan has clouded his mind) is that Eldridge would never have been in danger of violation by tubers even if he hadn’t been wearing two wetsuits — because the Lord in His infinite mercy had inspired Eldridge to ram a dildo up his arse before pulling on those wetsuits. No potato, not even a salad fingerling, would have had a chance of invading a fundament thus girded.

  130. #131 Reggy
    December 1, 2008

    This would have been a lot funnier if they had taken him to the King Edwards hospital in Berkshire.

  131. #132 E.V.
    December 1, 2008

    Some people are compelled to put foreign objects in orfices. My 3 year old son put a pebble and a puffed wheat pod(?) up his nose a week apart. The pebble required a Dr’s visit for stone extraction and a sneeze to dislodge the “Golden Sugar Crisp”. He fibbed about how each got there too.
    Inserting an object anally for possible sexual gratification is human nature although I don’t really care to think about doing it, not because of macho posturing, but because I tend to have a personal distaste (read: hang up) for anything remotely scat related and I can’t imagine it being comfortable much less pleasurable, personally.
    The good Vicar could have used a little sex education (or common sense) to realize that a potato would not be an ideal prostate stimulator without a proper handle.
    If he actually fell and anally engulfed the nonlubricated tuber, I’m sure he suffered more trauma than just trying to extract it. Ouch.
    And I’m sure the neighbors appreciated the curtains, if they ever got hung…

  132. #133 SC
    December 1, 2008

    a potato would not be an ideal prostate stimulator without a proper handle.

    “This is spud u like, and we got a convoy.”

  133. #134 red rabbit
    December 1, 2008

    Life lessons #1: If you get a potato stuck up your ass for any reason whatsoever, don’t make up a ludicrous story as it’s bound to get WAY more attention than “Just get it out, we can have the embarrassing discussion later.”

    #2: Paper bag over head. Pay cash. Use a pseudonym. Go to another city for treatment.

    Yeesh. Plus I find the thought of naked curtain-hanging much more disturbing than private potato play. I would’ve gone for cucumbers myself, given the choice.

  134. #135 clinteas
    December 1, 2008

    a potato would not be an ideal prostate stimulator without a proper handle.

    I tend to disagree.
    It would probably be a great prostate stimulator,but it aint so great if you cant pull it out when youve done your thing….

    And can I say I am very pleased with the direction that this thread is headed.

  135. #136 Jimminy Christmas
    December 1, 2008

    What good, god-fearing, heterosexual Christian hasn’t gotten something “accidentally” shoved up their ass at some point. I mean c’mon, really? Let’s be honest people.

  136. #137 Jimminy Christmas
    December 1, 2008

    Shit happens.

  137. #138 Brad D
    December 1, 2008

    As my youngest brother was overly fond of saying at around age 13: “Rectum? it nearly killed him!”

  138. #139 LisaJ
    December 1, 2008

    What a bummer.

  139. #140 antaresrichard
    December 1, 2008

    “This sounds like a job for Ric Romero.”

    Ah, good ol’ Ric. He used to be my Production Department boss back in the KNTV days. Quite a feat becoming a FARK cliche.

  140. #141 Pieter B
    December 1, 2008

    I used to date an ER nurse, so I’ve heard a lot of these stories. She said that the person she respected the most was a dapper sixtyish gentleman who offered no lame excuse but simply told the admission clerk, “I have a twelve-inch piece of broomstick in my rectum. I would like it removed.”

  141. #142 clinteas
    December 1, 2008

    Hm,ok,there you go then,last 4 weeks or so Ive had:

    A ‘V” energy drink can
    safety pins
    beer bottle
    lost pleasure beads

    The V can one needed surgery.

  142. #143 clinteas
    December 1, 2008

    Oops,that probably came out wrong…..

    Replace “had” with “seen” in previous post.

  143. #144 Wowbagger
    December 1, 2008

    Clinteas,

    I know you Sydney boys like to party, but still…

  144. #145 Kel
    December 1, 2008

    A ‘V” energy drink can

    Holy fuck!

  145. #146 clinteas
    December 1, 2008

    Melbourne boy here,but they party as well…..

    Yeah,the fun we have at work LOL

    And the lesson from this folks?
    Whatever you want to shove up whichever orifice,make sure its got a handle…..

  146. #147 Wowbagger
    December 1, 2008

    clinteas wrote:

    Melbourne boy here

    Oh, okay. Don’t know why I thought you were in Sydney. I may be visiting Melbourne sometime next year; one of my favourite bands (Elbow) are touring but not inclduing Adelaide. At the moment they’re only doing the ‘V’ festival (hmm, coincidence?) but if they announce a side show I’ll probably make the trip so I can catch them.

  147. #148 irspariah
    December 1, 2008

    It’s how you take part in communion in ‘alternative” life styles

  148. #149 Ken Hambone
    December 1, 2008

    There once was a nun from Peru
    Who said as the Bishop withdrew
    “The Vicar was sicker, slicker, thicker
    And two inches longer than you!”

  149. #150 Jack McCullough
    December 1, 2008

    Cosmo Kramer: Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don’t walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you’ve ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It’s always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: “It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.”

  150. #151 ray
    December 1, 2008

    said the nurse in the story:

    “Surgery can lead to infection, nasty scarring, and it could possibly end up with the person having to use a colostomy bag as a result.”

    And, as every good queen knows, it is a real bitch trying to find shoes to match the bag.

  151. #152 antaresrichard
    December 1, 2008

    I can well imagine the vicar’s reaction going from “Holy Shit” to “Oh…” in no time flat!

  152. #153 Capital Dan
    December 1, 2008

    You know, there’s a curly-fry joke in here somewhere, but I’ll be damned if I can find it.

  153. #154 Jim 1138
    December 2, 2008

    His Spud Gun must have back fired.

  154. #155 Janine ID AKA The Lone Drinker
    December 2, 2008

    Posted by: Mrs Tilton | December 1, 2008

    …because the Lord in His infinite mercy had inspired Eldridge to ram a dildo up his arse before pulling on those wetsuits. No potato, not even a salad fingerling, would have had a chance of invading a fundament thus girded.

    Please check #26. I kind of beat you to pointing this out. Though I do admit that you were slightly more funny.

  155. #156 Aquaria
    December 2, 2008

    Maybe the guy got off to reading about the porn house weirdo in Joseph Wambaugh’s Hollywood Station?

  156. #157 clinteas
    December 2, 2008

    I request a mud wrestling contest between Janine and Mrs Tilton about who was funnier in pointing to Eldridge.

  157. #158 RickrOll
    December 2, 2008

    “…random biological ejaculation…” Well, given the amount of utter wank here, I guess that’s about right.

    Well, John A[ss] Davidson, glad you would stop by. engage killfile. And if you aren’t him, you really ought to consider the sad state of your own merry soul that is so easy to make that connection, “spud”!

  158. #159 Jay
    December 2, 2008

    Has this been posted yet?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5ncsjMVzcc

  159. #160 csrster
    December 2, 2008

    So I said, “Claudia dear, you may be a supermodel but you really _must_ learn to use more lube”.

  160. #161 RickrOll
    December 2, 2008

    Jay, have you heard that in every Seinfeld episode there is a superman? There’s one right on the fridge in this video, and he is commonly found on the bookcase as well.

  161. #162 raven
    December 2, 2008

    Oh c’mon people. What is the big deal about a minister with a potato stuck up his ass. I mean, really, where in the bible does it say, “Thou shalt not stick a potato up your rear end?” It doesn’t. Potatos are a new world plant and the guys who wrote it would never have heard of it.

    There is also nothing about not being stupid in the bible. If there was, the number of xians would drop about 90%.

  162. #163 mayhempix
    December 2, 2008

    He was obviously prepping his favorite recipe…

    bangers and mash.

  163. #164 SEF
    December 2, 2008

    I kept expecting someone else to post this other potato scenario, but …

    http://www.neenaw.co.uk/?p=264

  164. #165 MH
    December 2, 2008

    I would like to ask Clinteas (or any other MD here) what the procedure for getting the spud out of the Reverend’s arse would have been.

    Would the doctors have stuck a corkscrew in it, and pulled it out as if it were the stopper in a bottle of old Claret, or would they have stretched his sphincter and tried to cut chips/wedges off until it was small enough for him to pass ‘normally’?

    Honestly, I haven’t been ‘hanging curtains'; I’m just curious.

  165. #166 clinteas
    December 2, 2008

    MH,

    talk about demystifying things LOL

    2 options :
    You poo it out
    You locate it via a sigmoidoscope and pull it out
    If that fails,its up to the surgeons….

  166. #167 negentropyeater
    December 2, 2008

    You locate it via a sigmoidoscope and pull it out

    Ok, I can picture this
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Flexibles_Endoskop.jpg

    but what do you pull it out with ?
    Does this procedure depend on the size and shape of the Potato ?

  167. #168 clinteas
    December 2, 2008

    Gee,I like this thread…..

    but what do you pull it out with ?

    Depends.
    Artery forceps,or just pincers,if you cant grab it and its too big to be pood out,its up to the surgeons….Need to relax the anal sphincter properly,and all that….

  168. #169 negentropyeater
    December 2, 2008

    Need to relax the anal sphincter properly,and all that….

    Do they use Poppers ?

  169. #170 clinteas
    December 2, 2008

    Ahem,Neg

    *turns head to right and left*

    no,not for clinical porposes….

  170. #171 MH
    December 2, 2008

    “You locate it via a sigmoidoscope…”

    Wow, it can go that far in?

    :-o

  171. #172 clinteas
    December 2, 2008

    MH,

    it’ll go in about 20 cm…
    Can we talk about priests with potatoes again now??
    LOL

  172. #173 Scaryduck
    December 2, 2008

    I’ve got a very old friend who was an emergency room nurse.

    Her favourite tale involved a very embarrassed middle-aged woman, an accident “whilst dusting above the piano whilst naked” and a statuette of Lord Horatio Nelson.

    Every emergency room nurse has at least one of these stories, she tells me.

  173. #174 MH
    December 2, 2008

    “Her favourite tale involved a very embarrassed middle-aged woman, an accident “whilst dusting above the piano whilst naked” and a statuette of Lord Horatio Nelson.”

    I would have thought that Bibendum (the Michelin Man) would have been more satisfying.

  174. #175 Dr. Steve
    December 2, 2008

    Rectal foreign bodies are irresistable fodder for jokes. I can remember reading a very sober and boring radiology atlas/text only to come across an abdominal film of a man with a flashlight in his rectum.

    And by “flashlight” I mean a police-style Mag light (the kind that take 4 D-cell batteries). And by “rectum” I mean all the way to his splenic flexure.

    The caption read: “Rectal foreign body. The patient was ‘de-lighted’ upon it’s removal”.

  175. #176 SC
    December 2, 2008

    You’d think there would be a substance that could dissolve the potato (enough, at least) without harming the surrounding tissue, making a full-scale extraction unnecessary.

  176. #177 clinteas
    December 2, 2008

    SC,
    i just referred to you on the “Victory in Cincinnati”thread lol…

    This thread has been a joy to follow !

    You’d think there would be a substance that could dissolve the potato (enough, at least) without harming the surrounding tissue, making a full-scale extraction unnecessary.

    Ahem,
    What??

  177. #178 negentropyeater
    December 2, 2008

    You’d think there would be a substance that could dissolve the potato (enough, at least) without harming the surrounding tissue, making a full-scale extraction unnecessary.

    A potato being mainly composed of water, Hydrochloric acid would probably work. Not sure about the “without harming the surrounding tissue” though ;-)

  178. #179 SC
    December 2, 2008

    Ahem,
    What??

    Don’t know. Just seems like biochemists could come up with something.

  179. #180 clinteas
    December 2, 2008

    Thats one potato gratin i dont want to try LOL

  180. #181 Emmet Caulfield
    December 2, 2008

    I used to date an ER nurse, so I’ve heard a lot of these stories.

    I used to date a psych nurse. By far the best such story was about a woman who had a propensity for inserting all manner of objects into her vagina including, on different occasions, a doorknob and the (rigid) handle off a lady’s handbag/purse. She was particularly given to inserting coins. On her regular visits to the ER to have articles removed from her nether regions, the ER reports would invariably come back with a considerable “sum total” of the amount of money removed, earning the unfortunate lady the moniker “The Slot Machine”.

  181. #182 clinteas
    December 2, 2008

    Emmet Caulfield,

    youre the man LOL

  182. #183 negentropyeater
    December 2, 2008

    Weren’t the coins returned to “The Slot Machine” after operation ?

  183. #184 SEF
    December 2, 2008

    I’m not convinced the coins were worse than the potatoes (see link in #164).

  184. #185 Emmet Caulfield
    December 2, 2008

    clinteas,

    It’s a good story alright :o)

    The PN in question had an absolutely wicked sense of humour: IIRC, she herself came up with the humourous moniker. By all reports, the woman in question could get a truly staggering quantity of “stuff” inside herself, to the extent that reading the ER reports sounded like the conveyor round in “The Generation Game”, where a contestant has to remember as many prizes as possible as dozens of them pass by on a conveyor and a voice-over names each prize — “a board game… a coffee maker… a cuddly toy…” — IIRC one report included two lipsticks, a cigarette lighter, one eyeliner, one mascara, and almost ?6 in change.

    Weren’t the coins returned to “The Slot Machine” after operation ?

    AFAIR, articles that were not discarded in the ER came back to the psych ward in a ziplok bag and were ultimately returned to the patient when she was discharged.

  185. #186 andyb
    December 2, 2008

    I am surprised that it _had_ to be removed surgically. Surely a spicey curry and some patience would have worked. Potatoes are rarely angular, or one would have thought, wedgable.

    Any medical professionals care to enlighten us?

  186. #187 latsot
    December 2, 2008

    “Thats one potato gratin i dont want to try LOL”

    The doctor said “I’ve got some cream for that….”

  187. #188 Pierce R. Butler
    December 2, 2008

    A tail tale from an ambulance paramedic, visiting a house in rural New Mexico for a rectal-removal call: the “foreign object” involved was a vibrator, and the prospective patient smilingly declined to be taken anywhere “until the batteries wear out.”

  188. #189 Katrina
    December 2, 2008

    When my husband was in med school, he told me about a woman who came in during his ER rotation. Her complaint? “I’m sproutin’.”
    “What?” said the doctor on call.
    “I’m sproutin’.”

    Turns out she’d had that potato in her vagina long enough for it to noticeably start growing.

    Eeeeeew.

  189. #190 Janine ID AKA The Lone Drinker
    December 2, 2008

    I have to admit, I had a plant sprouting in me once. I was five years old and I stuck a cherry pit in my ear. Being five, I forgot about it. A few days later, my ear started to hurt. When the doctor extracted the pit from my head, it had started to send out the root. I can say that I had a tree growing in my head.

    In my defense, I was five, I did not know better. Unlike the tales we are hearing here.

  190. #191 SC
    December 2, 2008

    I have to admit, I had a plant sprouting in me once.

    Now there’s a sentence you don’t come across very often.

    (BTW, does anyone know the scientific-psychiatric term for the compulsion to insert objects into one’s orifices? I was unfamiliar with this condition prior to this thread.)

  191. #192 Brownian, OM
    December 2, 2008

    Okay, cereal up noses, cherry pits in ears, potatoes up asses; I think we’re seeing a trend.

    Many a physical anthropologist has theorised about the evolution of bipedalism in hominins and the resultant freeing of the hands for grasping and carrying. But humans on the move can only carry so much without help, and what does one do if clothing technology hasn’t advanced far enough?

    Perhaps these examples are merely the expression of a vestigial behavior from the time before pockets.

  192. #193 Katrina
    December 2, 2008

    Just wandered over to Failblogs and the vicar’s unfortunate story has been posted there, too. With highlighter.

  193. #194 Emmet Caulfield
    December 2, 2008

    Perhaps these examples are merely the expression of a vestigial behavior from the time before pockets.

    If so, how impoverished would be our humour if humans were marsupials!

  194. #195 SC
    December 2, 2008

    Just wandered over to Failblogs and the vicar’s unfortunate story has been posted there, too. With highlighter.

    The comments there are too much.

  195. #196 negentropyeater
    December 2, 2008

    Emmett,

    AFAIR, articles that were not discarded in the ER came back to the psych ward in a ziplok bag and were ultimately returned to the patient when she was discharged.

    Then I would suggest “Piggy bank” as a more appropriate denomination than “Slot Machine” ;-)

  196. #197 Emmet Caulfield
    December 2, 2008

    Thus spake SC:

    The comments there are too much.

    I thought of you when I saw the string of awful puns ;o)

  197. #198 Emmet Caulfield
    December 2, 2008

    Then I would suggest “Piggy bank” as a more appropriate denomination than “Slot Machine” ;-)

    Hardly, unless they smashed her with a mallet to retrieve the money :o)

  198. #199 SC
    December 2, 2008

    Well, that does it, Emmet. You’ve finally gotten under my skin. I hope you fry. You’d better apologize a-latkes I’m seriously insulted.

  199. #200 Julie Stahlhut
    December 2, 2008

    Well, he is a prat, and he said he fell!

    But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way.”

    Except for this one time ….

  200. #201 SC
    December 2, 2008

    Some might say it’s Solanaceae of little consequence, but eye’m boiling.

  201. #202 Memoriam
    December 2, 2008

    So what you’re saying is, he accidentally a potato.

  202. #203 Warum, warum!
    December 2, 2008

    “You know, there’s a curly-fry joke in here somewhere, but I’ll be damned if I can find it.”

    “Dash it all, Vicar, what I said was the French Friar!”

    On the other hand, the phrase which keeps going round in my head is “persistent vegetative state.”

    On the other other hand, a bit of trivia from my high school Spanish class just reared its ugly head: in Spanish “la papa” means “the potato”, while “el papa” means “The Pope.” You don’t suppose…?

  203. #204 Sili
    December 3, 2008

    On the topic of colo-rectal surgeons (no I don’t recall the link to the ode):

    http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1362#comic

  204. #205 Everbleed
    December 7, 2008

    Sid Schwab Post #17

    I have not laughed so hard in months. Reading your blog post is an easy way to get some seriously good and happy endorphins flowing.

    I sent the link to all my friends. We could all use a little cheering up.

    Many thanks Sid.

The site is currently under maintenance and will be back shortly. New comments have been disabled during this time, please check back soon.