Pharyngula

Posted by: Nick Gotts | December 1, 2008 2:01 PM

Now, now, this is quite unfair - I'm sure the potato was provocatively dressed, and so is primarily to blame.

Posted by: Jeeves | December 1, 2008 2:02 PM

I could be wrong, but wouldn't a person have to fall at an impressive speed and from a decent height to completely wedge a potato in their ass? Perhaps the curtains were by the second story loft (40-50 ft) and perhaps he's a largish chap...Hey, maybe the guys from Mythbusters could give it a shot!

Posted by: The Petey | December 1, 2008 2:05 PM

and I'm sure the good old vicar keeps all his tubers well coated in vaseline in order to increase shelf life.

Posted by: the Petey | December 1, 2008 2:08 PM

"The question we all want answered - was he fooling around with Mrs. or Mr. Potato head?"

if he was catholic it was an altar-boy potato head

Posted by: Randy | December 1, 2008 2:10 PM

Oh, my Gawd. I've got tears in my eyes. The entire office here at my day job is still chuckling over this one. I especially liked the final sentence in the news article, cheekily entitled "Vicar went to hospital with potato stuck in bottom":

"But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way."

Posted by: jj | December 1, 2008 2:19 PM

"Posted by: Penon | December 1, 2008 2:01 PM

But, was the potato peeled, or unpeeled? Somehow that question seems very important."

Safety & hygiene First :)

Posted by: Adrián | December 1, 2008 2:20 PM

He will switch to french fries after this (Biggie size).

Posted by: Longtime Lurker | December 1, 2008 2:23 PM

Why didn't the idiot just call it a miracle?

Transpudstantiation?

Posted by: negentropyeater | December 1, 2008 2:25 PM

The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table. He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.

In French, we have a funny expression for this :
Il veut nous faire prendre des vessies pour des lanternes
(he wants us to believe that bladders are lanterns)

Is there an expression for this in English ?

Posted by: MarkusR | December 1, 2008 2:31 PM

"I swear, I was hanging curtains and fell on that hooker."

Posted by: Steverino | December 1, 2008 2:34 PM

I bet his french fries taste like shit!

Posted by: Rey Fox | December 1, 2008 2:37 PM

It was a million-to-one shot, doc.

Posted by: Janine ID AKA The Lone Drinker | December 1, 2008 2:39 PM

Just a suggestion: if he'd been wearing two wetsuits while hanging his curtains, it would never have happened.

Um, that is because there would not have been room for the potato.

Clothing: The decedent was received wearing two (2) wet suits, one scuba diving mask, one pair of diving gloves, one pair of slippers, one pair of rubber underwear, two (2) ties, five (5) belts, eleven (11) straps.

Personal Effects: One yellow metal ring intact on left ring finger, one dildo.

Posted by: MH | December 1, 2008 2:41 PM

"Why didn't the idiot just call it a miracle?"

Vicar to doctor: Look, I was just casting some spells over some bits of bread in order to turn them into bits of 2000 year old dead Jew, and I must have got the words mixed up and thus transubstantiated my poo into a rather large potato, which just happened to look like a 'thingy'. What? Why are looking at me like that? I'm hardly going to lie; I'm a vicar.

Posted by: Janine ID AKA The Lone Drinker | December 1, 2008 2:43 PM

Posted by: Rey Fox | December 1, 2008

It was a million-to-one shot, doc.

We all know from reading our Pratchett that a million-to-one shot has an one in eight chance in seceding.

Posted by: Sven DIMilo | December 1, 2008 2:47 PM

Busch D B, Starling J R. Rectal foreign bodies: Case reports and a comprehensive review of the world's literature. Surg 1986; 100: 512-519.
"The study reports, among other items: a beer glass, a suitcase key and a magazine"

X-rays linked from here.

Posted by: jj | December 1, 2008 2:50 PM

I've got a buddy's who's father is an ER Doc, and he has sooo many of these stories to tell. The worst he said he ever saw was a curling iron.

Posted by: Janine ID AKA The Lone Drinker | December 1, 2008 2:56 PM

Some of the comments here reminded me of this charming book, Autoerotic Fatalities.

Posted by: Interrobang | December 1, 2008 2:57 PM

On a related note, when I was a resident we had a (required) lecture about rectal foreign bodies. They brought in a guest speaker to do it. She was an attending in emergency medicine in Hershey PA and also a Roman Catholic Nun.

Given that this paragraph contains the phrases "rectal foreign bodies," "guest speaker," "Hershey, PA," and "Roman Catholic nun," you'd almost expect the phrase "walked into a bar" to be in there somewhere, wouldn't you? I'm attempting to stifle a plethora of Hershey Highway jokes, and not really succeeding...

Posted by: E.V. | December 1, 2008 3:01 PM

Umm, I linked to this a couple of weeks ago on one of the threads here.
Perhaps this potato was shaped like the turnip Black Adder served to his Round Head relatives - it looked like a "thingy", about which Baldric confessed his 'thingy' happened to look like a turnip.
Anyway, I hope the potato had been doused with oil first, for his sake. =0

Posted by: pcarini | December 1, 2008 3:06 PM

"But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way."

Right, like leaking some of the details to the press.

Rev. BDC always beats me to the punch... sending the story to The Telegraph is neither discreet nor professional.

Since I have nothing new to add, I'll leave you with a verse from Frank Zappa's Call Any Vegetable:

Call any vegetable Pick up your phone / Think of a vegetable Lonely at home / Call any vegetable And the chances are good / That a vegetable will *respond* to you /

Posted by: culmastadm | December 1, 2008 3:10 PM

Is there an expression for this in English ?

YEah, it goes:
"What a dumb-ass!"

Posted by: Blondin | December 1, 2008 3:11 PM

How 'bout that - a brown-eyed potato...

Posted by: Kobra | December 1, 2008 3:13 PM

I meant, @44: I hate my laptop keyboard. I'm not used to not having a numpad.

Posted by: Longtime Lurker | December 1, 2008 3:17 PM

The vicar only claimed to be naked because wearing a tutu would be considered more scandalous:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5kxUSrYngo

Posted by: spud u like | December 1, 2008 3:20 PM

Well, the inclusion of this trivial (and entirely unoriginal) piece, and the pathetic schadenfreude over the fact that the victim was (ooooh!) a vicar, really signifies to me that Pharyngula has reached rock bottom (fnar, for those so inclined). It used to be a good read. Now it's more like a self-parody, and PZ is looking more than a little desperate. Sad.

Posted by: E.V. | December 1, 2008 3:23 PM

A potato... Not a cucumber, not a carrot. Not a zucchini - a potato.
Maybe it was a fingerling potato. One that could stand all on its own. If not, now the Vicar can authoritatively use the epithet fuck me sideways!
Oh, I tell ya', it's a bum rap. *ba doom doom chic*

(Surely one of the parishioners can afford to give a dildo or butt plug to the good Vicar. A Fleshlight™ too? The parents of the altar boys should consider it a charitable donation.)

Posted by: Rev. BigDumbChimp, KoT, OM | December 1, 2008 3:25 PM

Well, the inclusion of this trivial (and entirely unoriginal) piece, and the pathetic schadenfreude over the fact that the victim was (ooooh!) a vicar,

Missing the point for 1000 alex

Posted by: E.V. | December 1, 2008 3:27 PM

Spud , with all that shit on your teeth, I'll just assume you ate the potato. Thanks for playing, idiotic Butt Munch!

Posted by: Kristoffer | December 1, 2008 3:29 PM

And generally, it's scripture their pulling out of their ass.

Posted by: SplendidMonkey | December 1, 2008 3:40 PM

I swear I thought the sack was empty.

Posted by: Darles Chickens | December 1, 2008 3:45 PM

Rock bottom, hmm, I think that's potato bottom....

That reminds me, In Canyonlands Park in Utah, on the White Rim Trail, one of the campsites is called Potato Bottom Campsite. I wonder where that name came from........

Posted by: blf | December 1, 2008 3:47 PM

The VLF (Veggie Liberation Front) Manifesto

We, the vegetables of the world, must unit and throw off the dreadful consumers of our breathen. Fibres are not for eating, leaves are not for chewing, roots are not swallowing, they are our vital bodily mass, serving us in times good and bad, winter and summer, day and night. The hairless ape, the long pig, the descendent of a monkey, rips us from the earth, tears us away from our mother, and boils our very being. And our friends the bean. The murderous monsters fry us, bake us, and even attack us raw with bare teeth, sharp knifes, and the iron maiden that is the fork. Arise, arise, fight back, with your every molecule, your every chromosome, every part of your plant's soul! Attack them on the beaches, in the pantrys, in the vicarages! Do not go down the throat, through the gut, and out the arse. Jump up! Fight back!! Exterminate!!!

Posted by: Brownian, OM | December 1, 2008 3:58 PM

Nothing ruins a joke more than having to explain it to a maroon, but here's to you spud (and anybody else that thinks that pointing out such acts amounts to nothing more than schadenfreude):

The reason we point and laugh with such zeal at such events is that they constitute data points against the hypothesis that religiousity provides any protection whatsoever from 'immoral' acts, not because we want to see a priest get his comeuppance (okay, some priests deserve it), and that the religious are more 'moral' than anyone else, a claim that they have so successfully insinuated into our culture that it's taken for granted that members of the clergy are good or trustworthy people (which I'm sure they are, like the average layperson). As we've seen, sometimes this misplaced trust has dire consequences.

Further, most Abrahamic religions have at their core some idea that the world would be a wonderful place if we were all just godly enough, and we should continue to strive to acheive this godly perfection, regardless of how impossible or inhuman such a goal would be. Nowhere in church doctrine is this fallacious reasoning more apparent than in the anti-sex attitudes they hold, and thus sexual scandals among the clergy are so delicious.

Hell, even 'moderate' churches will claim it's not a sin to be a homosexual, but just to act as one. But it seems to me that when men whose job it is to talk to God all day can't keep stuff out of their ass, then what business do any of them have blathering on to the rest of us who have real jobs about pre-marital sex, homosexuality, and the rest.

If you'd really still rather that people not delight in priestly sex scandals, then I've got a solution for you, spud: have all the priests STFU with regard to sex. Then we won't care what they shove up their asses, as long as whatever goes up there is capable of giving necessary and sufficient consent.

Posted by: Raynfala | December 1, 2008 4:06 PM

"You using the whole spud, Doc?"

Posted by: Graham | December 1, 2008 4:16 PM

"The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table."

Sounds like he's putting his apologetics skills to good use.

Posted by: Brownian, OM | December 1, 2008 4:18 PM

I hope he gets booted out of his parish. After all, Matthew 7 explicitly states:

³And why beholdest thou the condom that is on thy brother's penis, but considerest not the tuber that is in thine own rectum?

⁴Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull the condom off of thine penis; and, behold, a tuber is in thine own rectum?

⁵Thou hypocrite, first cast out the tuber out of thine own rectum; and then shalt thou walk unbowlegged to cast off the condom off of thy brother's penis.

Posted by: AJ Milne | December 1, 2008 4:21 PM

It reminds me of that old line from TV commercials: "How often has this happened to you?"

Me, I was gonna go with 'Damn, I hate it when that happens'.

But either way, let's face it, the line's just lying there...

Waiting for you to fall on it. Ass-first. While hanging curtains. In the nude...

Anyway...

nfortunately most people who come in with something stuck in their rectum are not exactly 'sex positive folks' (because otherwise they would have the good sense to use something with a flange at the base and/or tie a string on it.)

I'm picturing this pamphlet that could be distributed to emergency departments, just for these folks... Headline: 'So you'd like to stick something in your rectum...'

It's all pictorial, see, like a lot of this stuff. There's two columns of icons:

On the left, under the word 'Yes', with the big standard green checkmark, we have an assortment of the sex toys designed for this purpose, with aforementioned flanges and so on to prevent accidental and embarassing loss...

On the right, under the word 'No', with the big green X, we have a potato, a small rodent, a pineapple, a watermelon...

I tells ya, if it hasn't been done, it really should be.

Posted by: E.V. | December 1, 2008 4:29 PM

"Roundheads" was the nickname given to the Puritan supporters of Parliament during the English Civil War.

Posted by: E.V. | December 1, 2008 4:40 PM

Brownian:
I have the feeling Spud (or S' Pud) was one of our regular drive by trolls who finds fault with PZ's ridicule of any religious (christian) figure. I'm sure any humor is lost on Spud beyond "Veggie Tales". ; )
................................................................................................................................
(My apologies, MH @#28. I didn't mean to step on your Black Adder reference)

Posted by: tsg | December 1, 2008 4:49 PM

One of the actors in a play I was working on told me a story (I have no idea if it is really true). Every once in a while, he would receive a FedEx package from an EMT friend containing a piece of paper on which was written what someone recently had to be taken to the hospital to have removed from his bottom. One time he got "an umbrella".

The question that immediately came to my mind was "was it open?"

Back to the original story, what kind of mind does it take to think that hanging curtains naked and falling on a potato is less embarrassing than putting it there on purpose? If it were me, I'd be telling the doctor I put it there even if I really did fall on it because there is just no way he would ever believe it. "I was drunk and my buddy bet me $50 I couldn't do it," is just going to go over a whole lot better.

Posted by: tsg | December 1, 2008 5:03 PM

@#68: Erm, the clerical hypocrisy that you so kindly and long-windedly "explain" is just another facet of the stating of the bleeding obvious that makes this thread so lame in the first place. Pointing out every ridiculous case of the religious not living up to their preachy ways rapdidly reaches the point of diminishing returns, I think.

Or maybe I'm wrong and this thread really is at the cutting edge of promoting freethought. How scary that would be.

"...random biological ejaculation..." Well, given the amount of utter wank here, I guess that's about right.

Tonight's top story: Reader Finds Blog Entry Uninteresting. Film at Eleven.

Posted by: annie | December 1, 2008 5:13 PM

OMFG, I'm gasping with laughter here. Two spews in a single comment thread ("transpudstantiation" and "tater tots"), is a record. Just wanted to say thanks, y'all, I needed that!

*wiping laugh tears from my eyes*

Posted by: Wowbagger | December 1, 2008 5:20 PM

spud u like,

Your concern is noted.

Posted by: 'Tis Himself | December 1, 2008 5:26 PM

It's purely an urban legend that the following happened:

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a sexual session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr.Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. Raggot the Gerbil did not survive the incident.

Posted by: E.V. | December 1, 2008 5:29 PM

@#80: nope, just a formerly avid reader and lurker. Sad that your best attack on me is to question my sense of humour, something your totally unqualified to comment upon.

Posted by: CJ | December 1, 2008 5:58 PM

Il veut nous faire prendre des vessies pour des lanternes

Is there an expression for this in English ?

There is an English expression that means essentially the same: Pull the other one, it's got bells on.

It's a sarcastic way of saying that they're not fooling you.

I saw someone mention Terry Pratchett. He's fond of this phrase.

Posted by: MikeM | December 1, 2008 6:08 PM

I've got it! "Tuber Tails!" (pun intended)

Thanks for your patience.

Posted by: Brownian, OM | December 1, 2008 6:09 PM

Pointing out every ridiculous case of the religious not living up to their preachy ways rapdidly reaches the point of diminishing returns, I think.

Oh, dear me, not every case, Spud: just the funny ones (attempting to point out every case of religious hypocrisy would require this blog become the premier use of the internet, upstaging both social networking and porn.) Since you seem to have missed the humour inherent in priestly posterior potatoes, it seems like E.V. was right to have questioned your sense of funny. (I can't comment on whether or not E.V. is qualified, but as a motherfucking funny guy I sure as hell am.)

As an anthropological aside, humour involving the genitals, bowels, and bodily functions is probably the oldest form of humour, and is nearly definitely the most universal.

I once read about a party/feast at some !Kung San village in which a few of the villagers were trash-talking each other. The winner achieved supremacy with an insult to the effect of, "Oh yeah? Well, your labia are so long that they hang down to the ground like elephant ears and constantly trip you."

Are you telling us the !Kung and their humour are beneath you, spud?

Posted by: Jello | December 1, 2008 6:18 PM

Spud, some friendly advise, if you don't find the post ammusing don't read it, also, do spend the rest of the afternoon reading all the related comments. If you have better things to do with your time as you seem to indicate then please bugger off.

Posted by: Blind Squirrel FCD | December 1, 2008 6:23 PM

Unfortunately most people who come in with something stuck in their rectum are not exactly 'sex positive folks' (because otherwise they would have the good sense to use something with a flange is at the base and/or tie a string on it)

So you're saying that the pointy end goes in first?

Well, that would certainly explain...

Never mind.

Posted by: Pierce R. Butler | December 1, 2008 6:28 PM

Brownian @ # 68: Did you have to use the word "comeuppance"?

Posted by: AnswersInGenitals | December 1, 2008 6:34 PM

The good Vicar should thank god that he didn't fall on some lettuce. The Newspaper headline would have read: "Local Vicar has head up his ass!"

Posted by: Sven DiMilo | December 1, 2008 6:35 PM

How quickly your pose of tolerance crumbles in the face of disagreement.

Posted by: Wowbagger | December 1, 2008 6:42 PM

How quickly your pose of tolerance crumbles in the face of disagreement.

Spud, you're starting to irritate me. You've expressed what you think; others have expressed what they think about what you think.

Has PZ banned you? Have other posters called for your banning? Where is this 'crumbling of tolerance'? Who's implying you can't write what you want? You looked up the word 'prig' - maybe you should look up 'tolerance' as well.

Write away; just don't bawl and sob when someone disagrees with your opinion and calls you out on it.

Posted by: DingoDave | December 1, 2008 6:49 PM

Perhaps he was just trying to 'slow cook' it up his arse in order to save on gas or electricity.

Unfortunately, he didn't bother to research his hypothesis, otherwise he would have quickly discovered that you simply can't cook jacket potatoes at body temperature.

Posted by: Hairhead | December 1, 2008 6:53 PM

So, because you're a tendentious, boring, prig that means we're intolerant? Intolerant?

Really, intolerance would be threatening to look up your ISP and post your home address on the internet, with instructions to commit violence upon you and yours. Intolerance would be to disemvowel your posts, then ban you from this thread and this forum.

You are either a troll, a fool, or both. And you're far less amusing than the embarrassed vicar.

Posted by: Emmet Caulfield | December 1, 2008 6:58 PM

You are either a troll, a fool, or both. And you're far less amusing than the embarrassed vicar.

And the poker up his ass is far less amusing than the tuber up the vicar's.

Posted by: DingoDave | December 1, 2008 7:06 PM

Ref:#115

Now THAT'S funny! : D

Posted by: SC | December 1, 2008 7:16 PM

No, I haven't read it SC, so thanks for the suggestion.

You're welcome. It's underappreciated. Just pulled it off the shelf after I wrote that - for anyone in search of a dissertation topic, something meaningful could be written about Bakhtin's analysis of carnival and the relationship of carnival to attacks on Jewish communities. Eh, probably already been done...

I hope you had a great birthday, BTW.

Aaaaw. Thanks (and thanks to everyone for the nice birthday wishes). I had a blast.

So, because you're a tendentious, boring, prig that means we're intolerant? Intolerant?

People's use of the fun word "prig" reminds me... I finally started reading Isaacson's Einstein biography. I'm only on page 39, and I've already come across "sprig," "jangled," and "insouciant" - all words that deserve more play, as far as I'm concerned. Expect to see them in my future comments. :)

Posted by: SC | December 1, 2008 7:40 PM

Funny, this is the spud I like better.

Don't think I don't have Square Pegs links at the ready for the next time you insult the Dead, love. :P

Posted by: Qwerty | December 1, 2008 7:56 PM

WOW, This is one episode of Veggie Tales we won't be seeing!

Posted by: steve_h | December 1, 2008 8:02 PM

"But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way."

Get me "the Sun" stat.

Posted by: Pierce R. Butler | December 1, 2008 8:23 PM

Let this be a lesson to all you sinners: never put up curtains without wearing your safety burlap!

Posted by: Mrs Tilton | December 1, 2008 8:51 PM

if he'd been wearing two wetsuits ... it would never have happened

See, this just goes to show that you godless heathens don't get it. The Lord looks after His own.

That "two wetsuits" remark obviously refers to the late Reverend Eldridge. What PZ doesn't realize (doubtless because Satan has clouded his mind) is that Eldridge would never have been in danger of violation by tubers even if he hadn't been wearing two wetsuits -- because the Lord in His infinite mercy had inspired Eldridge to ram a dildo up his arse before pulling on those wetsuits. No potato, not even a salad fingerling, would have had a chance of invading a fundament thus girded.

Posted by: E.V. | December 1, 2008 9:42 PM

Some people are compelled to put foreign objects in orfices. My 3 year old son put a pebble and a puffed wheat pod(?) up his nose a week apart. The pebble required a Dr's visit for stone extraction and a sneeze to dislodge the "Golden Sugar Crisp". He fibbed about how each got there too.
Inserting an object anally for possible sexual gratification is human nature although I don't really care to think about doing it, not because of macho posturing, but because I tend to have a personal distaste (read: hang up) for anything remotely scat related and I can't imagine it being comfortable much less pleasurable, personally.
The good Vicar could have used a little sex education (or common sense) to realize that a potato would not be an ideal prostate stimulator without a proper handle.
If he actually fell and anally engulfed the nonlubricated tuber, I'm sure he suffered more trauma than just trying to extract it. Ouch.
And I'm sure the neighbors appreciated the curtains, if they ever got hung...

Posted by: red rabbit | December 1, 2008 9:59 PM

Life lessons #1: If you get a potato stuck up your ass for any reason whatsoever, don't make up a ludicrous story as it's bound to get WAY more attention than "Just get it out, we can have the embarrassing discussion later."

#2: Paper bag over head. Pay cash. Use a pseudonym. Go to another city for treatment.

Yeesh. Plus I find the thought of naked curtain-hanging much more disturbing than private potato play. I would've gone for cucumbers myself, given the choice.

Posted by: Jimminy Christmas | December 1, 2008 10:20 PM

What good, god-fearing, heterosexual Christian hasn't gotten something "accidentally" shoved up their ass at some point. I mean c'mon, really? Let's be honest people.

Posted by: Brad D | December 1, 2008 10:29 PM

As my youngest brother was overly fond of saying at around age 13: "Rectum? it nearly killed him!"

Posted by: antaresrichard | December 1, 2008 10:38 PM

"This sounds like a job for Ric Romero."

Ah, good ol' Ric. He used to be my Production Department boss back in the KNTV days. Quite a feat becoming a FARK cliche.

Posted by: clinteas | December 1, 2008 11:06 PM

Hm,ok,there you go then,last 4 weeks or so Ive had:

A 'V" energy drink can
safety pins
beer bottle
lost pleasure beads

The V can one needed surgery.

Posted by: Wowbagger | December 1, 2008 11:10 PM

Clinteas,

I know you Sydney boys like to party, but still...

Posted by: clinteas | December 1, 2008 11:20 PM

Melbourne boy here,but they party as well.....

Yeah,the fun we have at work LOL

And the lesson from this folks?
Whatever you want to shove up whichever orifice,make sure its got a handle.....

Posted by: irspariah | December 1, 2008 11:30 PM

It's how you take part in communion in 'alternative" life styles

Posted by: Jack McCullough | December 1, 2008 11:40 PM

Cosmo Kramer: Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."

Posted by: antaresrichard | December 1, 2008 11:44 PM

I can well imagine the vicar's reaction going from "Holy Shit" to "Oh..." in no time flat!

Posted by: Jim 1138 | December 2, 2008 12:23 AM

His Spud Gun must have back fired.

Posted by: Aquaria | December 2, 2008 1:25 AM

Maybe the guy got off to reading about the porn house weirdo in Joseph Wambaugh's Hollywood Station?

Posted by: RickrOll | December 2, 2008 2:01 AM

"...random biological ejaculation..." Well, given the amount of utter wank here, I guess that's about right.

Well, John A[ss] Davidson, glad you would stop by. engage killfile. And if you aren't him, you really ought to consider the sad state of your own merry soul that is so easy to make that connection, "spud"!

Posted by: csrster | December 2, 2008 3:23 AM

So I said, "Claudia dear, you may be a supermodel but you really _must_ learn to use more lube".

Posted by: raven | December 2, 2008 4:34 AM

Oh c'mon people. What is the big deal about a minister with a potato stuck up his ass. I mean, really, where in the bible does it say, "Thou shalt not stick a potato up your rear end?" It doesn't. Potatos are a new world plant and the guys who wrote it would never have heard of it.

There is also nothing about not being stupid in the bible. If there was, the number of xians would drop about 90%.

Posted by: SEF | December 2, 2008 4:43 AM

I kept expecting someone else to post this other potato scenario, but ...

http://www.neenaw.co.uk/?p=264

Posted by: clinteas | December 2, 2008 5:19 AM

MH,

talk about demystifying things LOL

2 options :
You poo it out
You locate it via a sigmoidoscope and pull it out
If that fails,its up to the surgeons....

Posted by: clinteas | December 2, 2008 5:43 AM

Gee,I like this thread.....

but what do you pull it out with ?

Depends.
Artery forceps,or just pincers,if you cant grab it and its too big to be pood out,its up to the surgeons....Need to relax the anal sphincter properly,and all that....

Posted by: clinteas | December 2, 2008 6:00 AM

Ahem,Neg

*turns head to right and left*

no,not for clinical porposes....

Posted by: clinteas | December 2, 2008 6:25 AM

MH,

it'll go in about 20 cm...
Can we talk about priests with potatoes again now??
LOL

Posted by: MH | December 2, 2008 6:42 AM

"Her favourite tale involved a very embarrassed middle-aged woman, an accident "whilst dusting above the piano whilst naked" and a statuette of Lord Horatio Nelson."

I would have thought that Bibendum (the Michelin Man) would have been more satisfying.

Posted by: SC | December 2, 2008 7:10 AM

You'd think there would be a substance that could dissolve the potato (enough, at least) without harming the surrounding tissue, making a full-scale extraction unnecessary.

Posted by: negentropyeater | December 2, 2008 7:27 AM

You'd think there would be a substance that could dissolve the potato (enough, at least) without harming the surrounding tissue, making a full-scale extraction unnecessary.

A potato being mainly composed of water, Hydrochloric acid would probably work. Not sure about the "without harming the surrounding tissue" though ;-)

Posted by: clinteas | December 2, 2008 7:30 AM

Thats one potato gratin i dont want to try LOL

Posted by: clinteas | December 2, 2008 7:45 AM

Emmet Caulfield,

youre the man LOL

Posted by: SEF | December 2, 2008 8:11 AM

I'm not convinced the coins were worse than the potatoes (see link in #164).

Posted by: andyb | December 2, 2008 8:39 AM

I am surprised that it _had_ to be removed surgically. Surely a spicey curry and some patience would have worked. Potatoes are rarely angular, or one would have thought, wedgable.

Any medical professionals care to enlighten us?

Posted by: Pierce R. Butler | December 2, 2008 10:45 AM

A tail tale from an ambulance paramedic, visiting a house in rural New Mexico for a rectal-removal call: the "foreign object" involved was a vibrator, and the prospective patient smilingly declined to be taken anywhere "until the batteries wear out."

Posted by: Janine ID AKA The Lone Drinker | December 2, 2008 11:43 AM

I have to admit, I had a plant sprouting in me once. I was five years old and I stuck a cherry pit in my ear. Being five, I forgot about it. A few days later, my ear started to hurt. When the doctor extracted the pit from my head, it had started to send out the root. I can say that I had a tree growing in my head.

In my defense, I was five, I did not know better. Unlike the tales we are hearing here.

Posted by: Brownian, OM | December 2, 2008 12:00 PM

Okay, cereal up noses, cherry pits in ears, potatoes up asses; I think we're seeing a trend.

Many a physical anthropologist has theorised about the evolution of bipedalism in hominins and the resultant freeing of the hands for grasping and carrying. But humans on the move can only carry so much without help, and what does one do if clothing technology hasn't advanced far enough?

Perhaps these examples are merely the expression of a vestigial behavior from the time before pockets.

Posted by: Emmet Caulfield | December 2, 2008 12:06 PM

Perhaps these examples are merely the expression of a vestigial behavior from the time before pockets.

If so, how impoverished would be our humour if humans were marsupials!

Posted by: negentropyeater | December 2, 2008 12:31 PM

Emmett,

AFAIR, articles that were not discarded in the ER came back to the psych ward in a ziplok bag and were ultimately returned to the patient when she was discharged.

Then I would suggest "Piggy bank" as a more appropriate denomination than "Slot Machine" ;-)

Posted by: Emmet Caulfield | December 2, 2008 12:39 PM

Then I would suggest "Piggy bank" as a more appropriate denomination than "Slot Machine" ;-)

Hardly, unless they smashed her with a mallet to retrieve the money :o)

Posted by: Julie Stahlhut | December 2, 2008 12:51 PM

Well, he is a prat, and he said he fell!

But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way."

Except for this one time ....

Posted by: Memoriam | December 2, 2008 1:02 PM

So what you're saying is, he accidentally a potato.

Posted by: Sili | December 3, 2008 5:15 PM

On the topic of colo-rectal surgeons (no I don't recall the link to the ode):

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1362#comic