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PZ Myers is a biologist and associate professor at the University of Minnesota, Morris.
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« Give Bill O'Reilly apoplexy | Main | A Natural History of Seeing: The Art and Science of Vision »
Category: Pirates • Weirdness
Posted on: December 4, 2008 10:47 AM, by PZ Myers
Some men's magazine was planning a cheesy promotion: they were going to include inflatable breasts with an issue. Sad news, though: the crate has been lost at sea.
There is some speculation that pirates are responsible. Very lonely, tasteless pirates.
Comments
Posted by: Brad D | December 4, 2008 10:51 AM
I'll have to keep abreast of this situation.
Posted by: co | December 4, 2008 10:53 AM
Where's w00t when you need him?
Posted by: SC | December 4, 2008 10:55 AM
Buncha boobs.
Where is wOOt?
Posted by: clinteas | December 4, 2008 10:58 AM
This seems as good a time as any to proclaim that boobs are not my favourite female body part.
Thank you.
Posted by: co | December 4, 2008 11:05 AM
clinteas, that sounds like a proper poll subject.
Posted by: Teh Merkin | December 4, 2008 11:06 AM
What, again? I just imagined that yesterday.
Posted by: pikeamus | December 4, 2008 11:11 AM
hahahaha
hahah
*cries and struggles for breath*
ha
Posted by: Ouchimoo | December 4, 2008 11:20 AM
mmmmmmmmm randomness.
Posted by: Glen Davidson | December 4, 2008 11:22 AM
Ahhhhh, yes, that I will (continue to) do.
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/2kxyc7
Posted by: Christie | December 4, 2008 11:22 AM
Aw, I feel bad for all the poor sea creatures that will be choking on boobs!
Posted by: mayhempix | December 4, 2008 11:23 AM
@ clinteas and co
We could have a "Tit for Tat" poll.
Posted by: Brad D | December 4, 2008 11:26 AM
...
Imagine all those booooobies,
floating out to sea,
You hooo hoowoo
You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one.
Posted by: Richard Wolford | December 4, 2008 11:29 AM
@clinteas #4
Agreed; I prefer to go further south, other side.
That is all.
Posted by: woody | December 4, 2008 11:31 AM
I'm a leg-and-ass man, myself...
Posted by: tsg | December 4, 2008 11:33 AM
Recent poll:
5% of men prefer stockings
5% prefer bare legs
90% prefer something in between.
Posted by: stevogvsu | December 4, 2008 11:38 AM
Lonely pirates? Or a rouge band of inquisitive and randy cephalopods?
Posted by: Robert W | December 4, 2008 11:40 AM
Maybe one of the floating boobs is Bill O'Reilly!
Oh wait ... that was the previous post. D'oh!
Posted by: Richard Harris | December 4, 2008 11:45 AM
Clinteas, doesn't it depend upon what size they are, & whether or not they're pert or pendulous? Medium size & pert takes a lot of beating.
This is not mere frivolity, or prurience, on my part. Was it out of the infant's need for suckling that our aesthetics evolved? Don't tell me all this was Intelligently Designed. Bwahahaha.
Posted by: varlo | December 4, 2008 11:47 AM
Why do I smell a publicity stunt about an actually nonexistent publicity stunt?
Posted by: Sastra | December 4, 2008 11:48 AM
This is a job for the good men of the US Navy. They've handled breasts before.
Posted by: Richard Harris | December 4, 2008 11:48 AM
...a cheesy promotion...
I'll allow you milky, but cheesy - ?
Posted by: Richard Harris | December 4, 2008 11:52 AM
...Maybe one of the floating boobs is Bill O'Reilly!
No, not boobs. Something between the buttocks would be more appropriate.
Posted by: Enshoku | December 4, 2008 11:52 AM
The sad thing is the fact that they aren't yet inflated. Can you imagine sailors in their big white boats coming by and seeing wet saggy boobs in the water? eww.
Posted by: tsg | December 4, 2008 11:53 AM
His head?
Posted by: Ethan Zook | December 4, 2008 11:54 AM
At least we'll know they float...Maybe we can use this to chart ocean currents? You know, put the loss towards something useful.
Posted by: Mad§cientist | December 4, 2008 11:58 AM
It is a good science opportunity for oceanography
Posted by: Raynfala | December 4, 2008 12:17 PM
130,000 breasts? Wow, line them up in the San Francisco Bay, and you could walk across them from San Francisco to Oakland...
...and when I say "walk", I mean "crawl along the surface"...
...and when I say "crawl", I mean "slide myself, snake-like, taking great care to keep my hips low"...
...and when I say "myself", I mean "my unclothed body"...
and...
Posted by: Deepsix | December 4, 2008 12:23 PM
"Some men's magazine was planning a cheesy promotion: they were going to include inflatable breasts with an issue. Sad news, though: the crate has been lost at sea."
Well that sucks. I had already paid my subscription in full.
Posted by: Sili | December 4, 2008 12:29 PM
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
(Actually, I lie just fine. Legs are more my thing.)
So are these gonna help us chart the currents like those rubber duckies and sneakers did?
Posted by: WRMartin | December 4, 2008 12:29 PM
Now I understand the true meaning behind this blurb on the lefthand side of the page:
Sign me up! Indeed. ;)
Add one 'harumph' for using this opportunity for science and monitor where they come ashore. We are now taking submissions for titles and abstracts...
Pirate talk will also be accepted.
Posted by: Form&Function | December 4, 2008 12:29 PM
I can't be the only one to feel some real concern about this story and other recent news about pirates. For the faithful, it's a clear sign that the global warming trend is only going to worsen.
Posted by: Romeo Vitelli | December 4, 2008 12:30 PM
The people of Atlantis are once again reminded of how strange surface dwellers are.
Posted by: Pete UK | December 4, 2008 12:32 PM
Well If I were in the navy and put on breast-retrieving duty, I'd feel a right tit.
Posted by: Patricia | December 4, 2008 12:33 PM
#11 Mayhempix - I'll raise your tit for tat.
I have two, and I can tat.
Posted by: beckyws | December 4, 2008 12:34 PM
My favourite part of my own (female) body is my brain.
Posted by: Pete UK | December 4, 2008 12:35 PM
I guess over there you must be having difficulty keeping a breast off the news...
Posted by: Blackrend | December 4, 2008 12:36 PM
Epic.
Posted by: Rev. BigDumbChimp, KoT, OM | December 4, 2008 12:36 PM
death by a thousand puns
Posted by: tsg | December 4, 2008 12:39 PM
Brains are a bit harder to see from across the room.
Unless they aren't, in which case, ewwww.
Posted by: tsg | December 4, 2008 12:40 PM
I got a dollar on "over".
Posted by: beckyws | December 4, 2008 12:41 PM
#39,
I prefer men who can use more than one sense at a time ;)
Posted by: WRMartin | December 4, 2008 12:43 PM
Among Patricia's other attributes is that she can tat?!
I remember watching my grandmother tat and make wonderful little decorative things all apparently, from a child's view, from nothing more than some thread.
Go Patricia!
Posted by: SC | December 4, 2008 12:44 PM
Yeah, someone should nip this in the bud.
Posted by: tsg | December 4, 2008 12:45 PM
I'm not saying brains aren't important, just not as easy to notice.
Posted by: RickrOll | December 4, 2008 12:46 PM
*laughing, gasps for air*
*Fall over, roll around, gasping, laughing*
*asphyxiation, death*
Posted by: Glen Davidson | December 4, 2008 12:48 PM
I see, fantasy men.
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/2kxyc7
Posted by: tsg | December 4, 2008 12:50 PM
My only interest in tat is where do I get it and how do I trade it in for the other thing?
Posted by: blf | December 4, 2008 12:54 PM
It's all part of the Vatican's new secret plan to deal with the
clergypedaphiles: Inflatable altar boys. They will be supplied at nominal cost, probably less than that of a box of crackers, in an attempt to change the habits of millennia.The crate was not actually lost at sea. The Big Sky Fairy teleported the crate from inside its shipping container to the lower levels of the Vatican dungeons (where Elvis is kept in cold storage). The contents will probably be distributed in the usual manner, by prayerportation.
The story that what was lost was inflatable female body parts is either part of the cover-up, or just another example of the Vatican's sexual confusion. The magazine is presumed to be a front, but clear evidence is lacking.
Posted by: Rev. BigDumbChimp, KoT, OM | December 4, 2008 12:54 PM
damn you
/fist shake
Posted by: tsg | December 4, 2008 12:58 PM
Well, that was a bust. An udder failure, I'd say.
Posted by: Banana | December 4, 2008 12:59 PM
If the breasts float accross the sea do they become abroad?
Posted by: Patricia | December 4, 2008 1:01 PM
Come sit by me you naughty tsg, I'll show you how to tat and we can share my WalnetO's.
Posted by: Ron Sullivan | December 4, 2008 1:05 PM
Inflatable tits. That's what I've wanted for a few years now, since my real ones started migrating in the general direction of my waist. Fortunately they can't find that anymore either. The outcome is in suspense.
I figure I can fill them with helium. Keep me all perky-looking* and light on my feet; in the case of a water landing I can serve as a flotation device**; and if I'm ever attacked with a sharp instrument I'll have instant revenge in hearing the perp turn into Donald Duck.
I moss w00t too. Come back w00t! Please don't tell us you ran out of boobies! You could go into re-runs! And there are still tits! Great tits, even!
*too late
** Robo-tits. Maybe I want robo-tits.
Posted by: SC | December 4, 2008 1:09 PM
Before people start threatening me with the rack, I'll wean myself off the puns and head out to the supermarket.
Posted by: tsg | December 4, 2008 1:19 PM
Oh, no. I'm not falling for that again. This is going to be like the time some girl asked me up for some philately and all we did was look at stamps.
Posted by: me | December 4, 2008 1:23 PM
Hey PZ!
Make sure you keep us abreast of this titillating story, bra!
Posted by: SC | December 4, 2008 1:23 PM
I really am having a tough time pulling myself away from a pun thread. I think I might have a problem. This calls for a serious self-examination...
Posted by: tsg | December 4, 2008 1:25 PM
While you're there, I need BooBerry cereal.
Posted by: me | December 4, 2008 1:27 PM
The Big Sky Fairy teleported the crate from inside its shipping container to the lower levels of the Vatican dungeons (where Elvis is kept in cold storage).
That's theft!!! I hope he gets busted! Then again the Vatican could always use this whole situation to milk out some more publicity.
Posted by: Bill Dauphin | December 4, 2008 1:32 PM
clinteas:
An unnecessary proclamation; I had assumed as much based on your comments about Giada De Laurentiis over on the squiddy-foodie thread. ;^)
Posted by: Gregory Earl | December 4, 2008 1:33 PM
Oooh, I love spring break...
Posted by: SC | December 4, 2008 1:34 PM
Thanks - that helped. :)
Posted by: Deepsix | December 4, 2008 1:37 PM
This reminds me of the words of a very wise man:
Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
Mary: You have your coat on.
Clark: Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?
Posted by: Glen Davidson | December 4, 2008 1:41 PM
Jugs are needed where men go down the sea in ships. Mounds of them.
As an avid bird watcher, I know I'd be willing to go to the racks for a good look at 130,000 Boobies and Great Tits. I'd even scramble over boulders and melons for the opportunity.
Nuff bad punning.
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/2kxyc7
Posted by: Emmet Caulfield | December 4, 2008 1:47 PM
Much more likely a shipping container. They fall overboard all the time and have a tendency to either sink outright or float with the top just at the surface if they have buoyant content: very hard to see and a serious hazard to small craft. If you do any offshore sailing, they're one of many things that you have to keep an eye out for.
Posted by: Patricia | December 4, 2008 1:48 PM
Poor tsg, led into temptation and all you got was a good licking.
Posted by: Longtime Lurker | December 4, 2008 1:49 PM
The people of Atlantis are once again reminded of how strange surface dwellers are
How about the Chinese prisoners/slave laborers working in the inflatable boob factory? You know, the people doing the boob jobs.
Posted by: hje | December 4, 2008 2:03 PM
Men have never gotten over that Venus of Willendorf-thing.
Posted by: C. M. Baxter | December 4, 2008 2:03 PM
I wouldn't give you a nipple - er, I mean a nickel - for the whole lot of'em.
Posted by: Levi | December 4, 2008 2:03 PM
I like big brains and I cannot lieYou other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with a Phil Plait book
And an intellect in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up tough
Cuz you notice that head was stuffed
Deep in the hat she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Posted by: Deepsix | December 4, 2008 2:11 PM
Emmet Caulfield
"Much more likely a shipping container. They fall overboard all the time and have a tendency to either sink outright or float with the top just at the surface if they have buoyant content: very hard to see and a serious hazard to small craft. If you do any offshore sailing, they're one of many things that you have to keep an eye out for."
Well thanks for ruining the mental image/fantasy for everyone!
Posted by: Carlie | December 4, 2008 2:13 PM
Are those what bring all the buoys to the yard?
Posted by: SimonPure | December 4, 2008 2:16 PM
I'd rather see fake boobs wash up than real feet: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7726165.stm
Posted by: Bill Dauphin | December 4, 2008 2:18 PM
Ron Sullivan (@53):
A girl named "Ron"? You're not by any chance married to a boy named "Sue," are you?
PS: Forgive me if I've come to an erroneous conclusion. I know there's a photo on your blog, but apparently your photo hosting site is blocked on my work computer.
PPS: Yes, I know men have "tits." In fact, back when I was in college, my father had a radical mastectomy to cure his breast cancer. It's a funny old world, isn't it?
Posted by: Emmet Caulfield | December 4, 2008 2:21 PM
Well, I am an atheist ;o)
Posted by: Longtime Lurker | December 4, 2008 2:27 PM
Are those what bring all the buoys to the yard?
Nice, Carlie! Have you heard the Bitter Sound Foundation L7 vs Kelis mashup? Absolutely brilliant!
Posted by: Glen Davidson | December 4, 2008 2:35 PM
I suppose I should thank PZ for opening my eyes to the possibility of not imagining 130,000 breasts bobbing in the sea.
Who knew?
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/2kxyc7
Posted by: chancelikely | December 4, 2008 2:39 PM
Tsg, haven't you heard? Philately will get you nowhere.
Posted by: Bill Dauphin | December 4, 2008 2:46 PM
Some folks have a hobby,
Like tennis, or philately;
I've got a hobby:
Re-reading Lady Chatterly!
-"Smut," Tom Lehrer
Sorry 'bout that: I can't read or even think of that word without hearing Lehrer in my head!
Posted by: Katrina | December 4, 2008 2:50 PM
Awww, man. After a second glass of wine (a nice Sicilian D'Avola) I'm having a tough time reading these comments and not snorting.
My husband and kids keep giving me these odd looks.
Patricia: Tatting's cool. I was never very good at it, but used to enjoy crochet (before kids and the internet took up all my time).
Posted by: mayhempix | December 4, 2008 3:05 PM
Posted by: Patricia | December 4, 2008 12:33 PM
"#11 Mayhempix - I'll raise your tit for tat.
I have two, and I can tat."
Do you mean tat as in "puddy tat?"
Posted by: mayhempix | December 4, 2008 3:09 PM
Thanks for the mammaries everyone!
Posted by: Rey Fox | December 4, 2008 3:23 PM
Laugh all you want. I'm too busy despairing over sharing the planet with millions of men who buy magazines with "free inflatable breasts" promotions.
Posted by: Bill Dauphin | December 4, 2008 3:32 PM
Rey Fox (and all you other curmudgeons who refuse to laugh at this):
There are always reasons to despair about your fellow man or about the fate of the planet; laughter is our bulwark against mass suicide.
Shorter me: Lighten up, y'all!
Posted by: Benjamin Franklin | December 4, 2008 3:44 PM
Maybe it's just me, but I thought the most hilarious thing in the article was that the men's magazine was called
Ralph
Posted by: Marc Abian | December 4, 2008 3:53 PM
You're not the only one Ben.
Posted by: Cthulhu | December 4, 2008 4:17 PM
So, there I was in sunken R'lyeh, happily snoozing away, when I was woken up by a big crate drifting down right on top on me.
I tear the crate open, expecting a nice snack of sacrificial victims, or something else appropriate, and instead, I find that the thing was full of inflatable plastic films, coloured and shaped like human breasts.
And I curse my fate.
I was preparing to awake and devour the sanity of the human race.
And I am obviously much, much too late.
You are all completely and udderly daft.
Posted by: CortxVortx | December 4, 2008 4:20 PM
What, aureole done with the puns?
Posted by: mayhempix | December 4, 2008 4:24 PM
@CortxVortx
Very punny.
I was waiting to see who would make a good pun with aureole
and you milked it for all it was worth.
Posted by: Owlmirror | December 4, 2008 4:34 PM
Isn't a load of bogus boobs illegal? I mean, they're counterf-tit moo-lalas.
And aren't you gland there are no more puns to be nursed out of this story?
Posted by: mayehmpix | December 4, 2008 4:39 PM
Posted by: Owlmirror | December 4, 2008 4:34 PM
"And aren't you gland there are no more puns to be nursed out of this story?"
It's been the breast of times for all the bosom buddies here.
Posted by: Randall | December 4, 2008 4:43 PM
I always thought that pirates were only interested in booty, but it looks like some are breast men.
Posted by: Owlmirror | December 4, 2008 4:50 PM
Well, being pirates, what they're probably really interested in is cleavage in general.
And rum.
Posted by: Interrobang | December 4, 2008 5:02 PM
Imagine 130,000 breasts bobbing in the sea
I personally reenacted something like that in Lake Ontario just this past summer. I really need to get a new swimsuit.
Posted by: LisaJ | December 4, 2008 5:24 PM
After a long rough day, I am really appreciating reading through this thread and laughing my ass off! Well, I'm off for dinner and I'm going to bundle up, 'cause it's nippy out there!
Nice job on all the titillating puns everyone. Thanks for the laughs... you're all the breast.
Posted by: Tom Foss | December 4, 2008 5:48 PM
Actually, the story I read said it was only 129,992 inflatable breasts. It was supposed to be 130,000, but they lacked eight.
;)
Posted by: Owlmirror | December 4, 2008 5:55 PM
I bet you're feeling all pumped after that one.
Posted by: Benjamin Franklin | December 4, 2008 5:58 PM
There I was, relaxing on my lounger, drifting along the ebbing tide of my tropical paradise, then
BAM!
A container marked RALPH knocked me upside the head.
It was the breast of times, it was the worst of times.
Posted by: MH | December 4, 2008 6:02 PM
Sastra #20 "This is a job for the good men of the US Navy."
Those breasts will be covered in seamen in no time!
Posted by: Tom Foss | December 4, 2008 6:02 PM
I'm actually feeling kind of drained. It was a tender moment.Posted by: papa zita | December 4, 2008 6:20 PM
Why does this sound like it'd make a good Warner Bros. cartoon? Sea creatures find crate of inflatable breasts and do interesting things with them.
Posted by: Owlmirror | December 4, 2008 6:27 PM
I see here that it's suspected that they somehow picked up a strong static charge, and repelled themselves from the rest. Or in other words, the lacked eight shun.
The Fish Police cop a feel?
Posted by: blueelm | December 4, 2008 6:31 PM
[blockquote] I suppose I should thank PZ for opening my eyes to the possibility of not imagining 130,000 breasts bobbing in the sea. [/blockquote]
Actually the idea of 130,000 severed body parts washing ashore is rather horrifying to me. Oh... that's right. Women ARE tits... gotcha.
Posted by: Owlmirror | December 4, 2008 6:49 PM
Well, that's a buzzkill. Everyone else is thinking of silly puns; what brought that on?
Unpleasant, and wrong, too.Posted by: Rey Fox | December 4, 2008 7:03 PM
Seriously: What does one do with inflatable breasts? Knead them in one's hands like an executive stress ball or very poor substitute for the real thing? Hang them up at parties? Bat them around at rock concerts? Fill a children's ball pit with them? Okay, that last one sounds like fun, but you'd need the whole shipping container, and I just don't have the money for the sea exploration or that many magazine subscriptions.
Posted by: Tom Foss | December 4, 2008 7:09 PM
Yes, I'm certain that's the general consensus around here, not that the whole concept of inflatable boobs is absurd and a little pathetic.Then again, it's not as though men have a monopoly on sex toys that look like severed body parts.
Posted by: Randall | December 4, 2008 7:10 PM
When I first read about this I wondered, "Were they really distributing just one boob per subscriber or were these 130,000 PAIRS of boobs (i.e., 260,000 boobs)?"
The article seems to indicate that we're only dealing with 130,000 single boobs. Of course, it may be that there were 65,000 boob pairs and the reporter did the multiplication necessary to get the 130,000 figure.
I just find the idea of a single, disembodied boob a lot more disturbing than the idea of a conjoined pair of disembodied boobs.