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PZ Myers is a biologist and associate professor at the University of Minnesota, Morris.
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More articles by PZ Myers can be found on Freethoughtblogs at the new Pharyngula!

Do the Boston Police know something we don't?

Category: Weirdness
Posted on: May 21, 2009 9:31 AM, by PZ Myers

They are prepared to use Twitter to alert the public to zombie incursions. I just knew Twitter would be useful for something, someday.

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Comments

#1

Posted by: Pete Moulton | May 21, 2009 9:40 AM

Whew! That's a relief! I'll sleep better tonight, that's for sure.

#2

Posted by: Ranson | May 21, 2009 9:40 AM

I wonder if they'll also use it to notify us of blinking lights shaped like Mooninites.

#3

Posted by: blf Author Profile Page | May 21, 2009 9:41 AM

So let me get this straight… If I find myself in Boston and am being gnawed on by something with grey skin held on with nails, I should learn to use twitter so I can find out if it's a zombie that just ate me?

#4

Posted by: Boston Zombie | May 21, 2009 9:48 AM

They may have been monitoring Facebook, too. Boston Zombie March...May 30!

#5

Posted by: MAJeff, OM | May 21, 2009 9:53 AM

Even if the zombie attacks are Twittered, the cops will all be assigned to stand around at road construction sites and unavailable to help ward of the undead.

#6

Posted by: ZADL Author Profile Page | May 21, 2009 9:53 AM

We at the Zombie Anti Defamation League are once again obliged to point out that being bitten by a Zombie will not turn you into one. At least not necessarily. Zombies are playful, social beings, and biting is often a sign of affection. Yes it can sometimes be a bit enthusiastic.

Virus infected individuals who transmit disease through bites are not Zombies - they are infected humans. There is a difference. They may soon become Zombies, after they die and have a Deathstyle Crisis, but at that point any diseases they might have had will be of little threat.

Still, we would expect the Boston Police to report any assault, from a living or post vital assailant. Discrimination or favoritism should not be a factor.

#7

Posted by: Chris Davis Author Profile Page | May 21, 2009 10:00 AM

Stories like this worry me. The articles on Pharyngula makes it plain how widespread and desperate the need for braaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnssss is in some parts of the world.

#8

Posted by: Jason | May 21, 2009 10:02 AM

Zombies invaded Texas in January. This is a major step toward a zombie defense system.

#9

Posted by: James Sweet | May 21, 2009 10:03 AM

Woah... we aren't just living in the future, we are living in a parody of the future.

Awesome.

#10

Posted by: Echo | May 21, 2009 10:07 AM

What will all of those creationist Anti-Zombites say to this??

#11

Posted by: Greg Laden Author Profile Page | May 21, 2009 10:13 AM

most of you think this is funny.

Well, YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO BOSTON!!!!!!!


#12

Posted by: Kobra | May 21, 2009 10:16 AM

@11:

Yeah, most of us are used to taking four 90 degree right turns and ending up in the same direction, too. Boston is just crazy.

#13

Posted by: Sven DiMilo | May 21, 2009 10:19 AM

My personal nightmare is being lost in Somerville (that's redundant) when the zombie hordes descend. Because as far as I've been able to ascertain THERE IS NO WAY OUT OF SOMERVILLE!

#14

Posted by: Somnolent Aphid | May 21, 2009 10:22 AM

Will the zombies twitter if there is a suspected police bite?

#15

Posted by: Steve LaBonne | May 21, 2009 10:36 AM

See, this is where creationists would actually useful. All they have to do if the zombies are marching on Boston is station an army of creationists outside the city. The zombies will starve before they have a chance to threaten people who actually have brains.

#16

Posted by: varlo | May 21, 2009 10:40 AM

Yes, it was good for a laugh, but it's also nice to know that someone on the Boston PD has a sense of humor.

#17

Posted by: Sastra Author Profile Page | May 21, 2009 10:41 AM

Chris Davis #7 wrote:

Stories like this worry me.

Uh huh. I'll assume you wrote this tongue-in-cheek, just as I'm assuming that the police twitter response in this case was a mock-serious, light-hearted answer to a comical question.

#18

Posted by: SC, OM | May 21, 2009 11:01 AM

My personal nightmare is being lost in Somerville (that's redundant)

I have no natural sense of direction*, but in the past ignored this and persisted in the wrong direction even when totally irrational. A few years ago, I was trying to get to the Center for European Studies at Harvard, got confused, and just kept walking and walking despite the fact that I knew I had been walking far too long. I finally encountered a guy in the street and asked him if I was near the building. He was like, "Well, you're in Somehville." Was very nice and gave me directions not only to get back to Cambridge but to get to CES. But I was so disturbed that I had ended up in another town. Nothing like getting lost on the cliffs of Istria, but still... (And people from Somerville are cool and helpful.)

*I'm awesome with a map, though.

#19

Posted by: Sarah Trachtenberg | May 21, 2009 11:07 AM

I live in Boston and missed the Zombie March this past spring, which coincided with Easter (I couldn't make that up). Naturally, people were concerned about the message there...
Since we just had an accident on the T (subway) bc a driver was texting (Darwin award wannabe?), the last thing we need is another reason to keep drivers' eyes and hands glued to their iPhones.
http://blastmagazine.com/the-news/2009/05/subway-crash-at-government-center-injures-at-least-10/

#20

Posted by: Watchman | May 21, 2009 11:10 AM

Because as far as I've been able to ascertain THERE IS NO WAY OUT OF SOMERVILLE!

Not quite, Sven. There is a way out, but only one way. The only way.

#21

Posted by: Josh Author Profile Page | May 21, 2009 11:15 AM

*I'm awesome with a map, though.

*Suggests promoting SC to Navigator, 3rd Class*

Not quite, Sven. There is a way out, but only one way. The only way.

Awesome.

#22

Posted by: Nangleator | May 21, 2009 11:25 AM

Tricks for evading zombies in Boston:

Escape via the Tobin Bridge, if you can afford it. Zombies won't be able to. Unless they carpool like fifteen to a car, I guess.

Take Storrow Drive. You won't be eaten by a zombie. You won't survive, but at least you won't be eaten by a zombie.

#23

Posted by: Shaun | May 21, 2009 11:32 AM

This coulda saved me a lot of grief!

#24

Posted by: SC, OM | May 21, 2009 11:38 AM

*Suggests promoting SC to Navigator, 3rd Class*

3rd Class? I think not.

Tricks for evading zombies in Boston:...

:D!

(And don't stick your neck out for anyone...Or turn your back on them...)

#25

Posted by: No Guy in the Sky | May 21, 2009 11:41 AM

That is too funny. I feel much safer now, knowing they would come clean with that information. I discovered this on my walk this morning. Two new forms of Aedes triseriatus. Mosquitoes.

http://noguyinthesky.blogspot.com/2009/05/i-discovered-what-scientists-have.html

#26

Posted by: Holbach Author Profile Page | May 21, 2009 12:16 PM

Zombies is just another name for their god dressed up in halloween mufti. As it is said, if you can believe in a god, then you can believe in anything.

#27

Posted by: bastion of sass | May 21, 2009 12:22 PM

Sastra @ #17:

I'm assuming that the police twitter response in this case was a mock-serious, light-hearted answer to a comical question.

So, does this mean you also assume that the Boston police wouldn't twitter about a zombie attack?!

And, if so, how do you think the Boston police would let us know if a zombie attack occurred?!

Or do you think the police would keep it a secret?!!

#28

Posted by: Sven DiMilo | May 21, 2009 12:29 PM

I loved how DF Wallace, in Infinite Jest, always called it "The Storrow 500."

#29

Posted by: blf Author Profile Page | May 21, 2009 1:32 PM

So, does this mean you also assume that the Boston police wouldn't twitter about a zombie attack?!

And, if so, how do you think the Boston police would let us know if a zombie attack occurred?!

Or do you think the police would keep it a secret?!!

And if the police are the zombies?

Seems possible. In an actual zombie attack, the police, after finishing another few donuts and a coffee, would be the first to be attacked. Which, as I understand it, turns you into a zombie (at least if you lose the fight). Hence it seems very likely the police are the zombies.

#30

Posted by: shamar Author Profile Page | May 21, 2009 3:39 PM

Glad to know that SOMEONE will tell us when the zombie apocalypse starts!

You'd tell us, wouldn't you PZ?


shamarzblog

#31

Posted by: MAJeff, OM | May 21, 2009 3:47 PM

Hey! I used to live in Somerville!

Like SC, though, I was once in Harvard Square, simply trying to get around, and somehow ended up in Somerville. Now, admittedly, that was my first time driving in Cambridge. And, I did something incredibly unpossible in the Boston metro area in attempting to "go around the block," but I had the same, "How did I end up in another town?!" reaction.

#32

Posted by: SC, OM | May 21, 2009 3:58 PM

BTW...

Sebastian Junger, A Death in Belmont - not a bad book.

#33

Posted by: Sven DiMilo | May 21, 2009 4:09 PM

I used to live in Belmont! Waverley Square, and I could spit into Watertown from the front porch, but still. And I liked that book too.

#34

Posted by: Watchman | May 21, 2009 4:09 PM

I believe we could incorporate Somerville into virtually any conversation about eleven-dimensional space.

#35

Posted by: davidst | May 21, 2009 4:20 PM

It's always good to be prepared!

#36

Posted by: SC, OM | May 21, 2009 4:21 PM

I believe we could incorporate Somerville into virtually any conversation about eleven-dimensional space.

Indeed. Making it easier is that metropolitan Boston is at the center of the universe.

#37

Posted by: Watchman | May 21, 2009 4:22 PM

I used to live in... *cringe* ... Charlestown.

And, as besuited the aspiring rocker I once was: Allston.

And Brighton. And Waltham.

Yep. I've pitched my tent in many of the garden spots of the western 'burbs. I also lived in Newton, "The Garden City", which is actually pretty nice, and not difficult to navigate. As hard as this may be to believe, many of the main roads that run through Newton are parallel (or perpendicular) to one another. It's crazy!

#38

Posted by: Longtime Lurker | May 21, 2009 4:25 PM

The picture accompanying the article could spawn a *gasp* new hot-zombie-cop-with-naughty-librarian-glasses fetish.

Hmmm... mindless, authoritarian, sexy-librarian vibe...

SARIN PALIN IS A ZOMBIE!!11!!!

#39

Posted by: Watchman | May 21, 2009 4:27 PM

Indeed. Making it easier is that metropolitan Boston is at the center of the universe.

Double-indeed!

I propose that the Callahan-Sumner tunnel be renamed the Calabi–Yau.

#40

Posted by: MAJeff, OM | May 21, 2009 4:32 PM

Making it easier is that metropolitan Boston is at the center of the universe.

Like, The Hub!

#41

Posted by: 'Tis Himself, Quel Dommage Author Profile Page | May 21, 2009 4:47 PM

Two important things to remember when driving in Boston:

1. Ignore all left and right signs (i.e., keep left, right turn only, etc.). These are merely political slogans.

2. The lines on the roads are part of a beautification project. To properly appreciate this ornamentation, drive so the car is centered on the line.

#42

Posted by: MAJeff, OM | May 21, 2009 4:52 PM

Two important things to remember when driving in Boston:

I'd add a third:

3. Never signal that you are going to turn. If you feel you must use your turn signal, wait until you are in the middle of the turn.

#43

Posted by: Watchman | May 21, 2009 5:04 PM

4. Broadcast your intention to make a right turn from the left lane by putting on your left turn-signal twenty minutes in advance. (Seniors only.)

#44

Posted by: Jadehawk, OM Author Profile Page | May 21, 2009 5:10 PM

3. Never signal that you are going to turn. If you feel you must use your turn signal, wait until you are in the middle of the turn.


when I was living in California, it was common knowledge that one mustn't use turn indicators to indicate lane changes; it was essential to preserve the advantage of surprise, so that one could slip in front of them before they got a chance to speed up and block one from entering their lane.

#45

Posted by: MAJeff, OM | May 21, 2009 5:14 PM

5. When lost, look for the Pru.
(Not a rule of the road, but handy nonetheless)

#46

Posted by: Nangleator | May 22, 2009 9:11 AM

I've been so lost in Boston that I've waited to see where the sun was setting and kept trying to aim myself at it. It's a procedure that works, although sometimes you'll get the feeling that the streets are narrowing farther and farther, until eventually you'll be wedged between two buildings and stuck for the rest of your life.

#47

Posted by: Kseniya | May 22, 2009 9:36 AM

eventually you'll be wedged between two buildings and stuck for the rest of your life.

Isn't that how most people wind up settling in Boston?

#48

Posted by: KABerg | May 22, 2009 3:40 PM

If it had been a zombie that had bit the cop, it was lucky it was in the arm. see
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uSBmgBneuE
(WarningNSFW/BadTaste/GORE/ NaziZombies)

#49

Posted by: llewelly | May 23, 2009 10:12 PM

Sven DiMilo | May 21, 2009 10:19 AM:


My personal nightmare is being lost in Somerville (that's redundant) when the zombie hordes descend. Because as far as I've been able to ascertain THERE IS NO WAY OUT OF SOMERVILLE!

For precisely that reason, Somerville is considered an official solution to the Zombie Apocalypse. Boston PD will co-operate with FEMA, National Guard, Citizen Volunteers and Special Forces units to drive Zombies into Somerville, from which they will not escape.

#50

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