Wouldn't it be fun to rap on your neighbors' doors and hand out this tract?
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« Christian faith is at odds with science | Main | Auf wiedersehen »
Let's print this out and go doorknocking!
Category: Humor • Weirdness
Posted on: June 26, 2009 7:14 PM, by PZ Myers
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Comments
Posted by: Fred B | June 26, 2009 7:23 PM
1. admit you are a semi-evolved ape thing mercifully ignorant of the sanity-blasting truths of the greater cosmos
... Yes...
Posted by: Sastra
|
June 26, 2009 7:24 PM
Charming! It reminds me of this one:
http://www.geocities.com/neverclan/c/cthulhu.html
(Who Will Be Eaten First?)
Posted by: Frank Mitchell
|
June 26, 2009 7:30 PM
Here's the original version.
Posted by: AlisonRobin | June 26, 2009 7:39 PM
We could make picket signs that say "Cthulu hates chordates" and parade around town.
Posted by: AlisonRobin | June 26, 2009 7:43 PM
We could make picket signs that say "Cthulu hates chordates" and parade around town.
Posted by: Nybsop | June 26, 2009 7:44 PM
it's a reference to "The Dunwich Horror" by H.P. Lovecraft
Posted by: 'Tis Himself
|
June 26, 2009 7:44 PM
Thanks for sharing that with us, PZ. May you be eaten first.
Posted by: Giford | June 26, 2009 7:46 PM
I can't think of any way I'd rather spend what may be my last moments on this Earth (before squid-related torture and oblivion) than reading this tract.
Gif
Posted by: Jo | June 26, 2009 7:47 PM
It reminds me of a Pagan version I saw once in Seattle about 18 years ago - I've been trying to find that one on the internet... Well - since I started having internet access in around '95. If anyone here knows of it, let me know!
ex animo-
Jo
Posted by: Phodopus
|
June 26, 2009 7:48 PM
@4-5 naah thats way to restrictive, lets write, "Cthulu hates Deuterostomes". That's being anal in the original sense.
Posted by: firemancarl | June 26, 2009 7:52 PM
The old dudes eye brows just frackin slay me!
Posted by: Ryan | June 26, 2009 7:59 PM
This is kind of old. I saw it back in January because you posted a Chick Tract so I did wikipedia search on them.
Posted by: Stygian | June 26, 2009 8:01 PM
Where may I get a few copies of the necronomicon to pass out to my neighbors? Disregarding that to read it is to invite insanity...
Posted by: dogmeatIB | June 26, 2009 8:07 PM
And how is this different from any other door to door preaching?
Posted by: sasqwatch
|
June 26, 2009 8:12 PM
I can't think of any reason why this tract isn't true in its entirety. I defy anyone to prove it otherwise, in a completely self-consistent manner. Partial explanations and probability statements that lie between 0 and 1 are not allowed.
Now that I know the truth, there's no reason why I shouldn't spread the word. A lot of suffering could be avoided just by getting this message out there.
Yesterday, some friggin Jehovah's Nitwit left their tract in my door. So I'm going to print up a few of these and keep them handy right near my front door. Next time they come by, we can swap pamphlets. The fact that nobody can 100% disprove my pamphlet should be all the persuasion anybody needs to accept it (so their pamphlet goes in the garbage).
Thank you, PZ, for showing me the Way.
PS - I don't think I really need to kill myself just yet, though. It doesn't follow, necessarily. As long as I carry the means to kill myself and as many others as possible on a moment's notice, then if/when the tentacled overlords arrive, I'll be ready.
Posted by: Nicolas Keller | June 26, 2009 8:14 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?gl=DE&hl=de&v=ChKQd2rIJU8
Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn
Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!
Posted by: Biomusician
|
June 26, 2009 8:26 PM
Why be worried? I'm confident that our future xenobiologists will provide us with the means to beat down these Old Ones.
Posted by: Greta Christina | June 26, 2009 8:35 PM
"Here's what you can do:
1: Admit you are a semi- evolved ape- thing mercifully ignorant of the sanity- blasting truths of the greater cosmos.
2: Die.
3: Rot."
Well, okay then.
Posted by: Romeo Vitelli | June 26, 2009 8:40 PM
I'm not worried. We can always count on an oversized Japanese lizard to protect us.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/209834/1/
Posted by: Sastra
|
June 26, 2009 8:45 PM
I read an article in Skeptic which tried to demonstrate that the pop pseudoscientific archeology of Eric Von Daniken and Zecharia Sitchin were actually derived from H.P. Lovecraft's Cthulu mythos. I think that's incredibly cool if true, because back in the early 70's, 1.) I was a fan of H.P. Lovecraft and 2.) my dad was a member of the "Ancient Astronaut Society." It never occurred to me to connect them in any way.
Of course, I was a very young fan, and never worked out any of the Lovecraftian background myth in any detail. I don't think I even realized that the Elder Gods were space aliens invaders, or looked like squid. I just loved the elaborate prose and the hints of ancient things so ghastly they could not be spoken of. The vaguer, the creepier. At the time, I didn't know anyone else who had even heard of Lovecraft. I thought I had discovered the obscure works of a lost and forgotten writer, and so he belonged to me.
Posted by: gruebait | June 26, 2009 8:48 PM
All those appendages. They're so...noodly...
Posted by: gruebait | June 26, 2009 8:51 PM
All those appendages. They're so...noodly...
Posted by: gruebait | June 26, 2009 8:54 PM
With a little effort, I could probably post that a third time. Damn.
Posted by: Stygian Lamprey | June 26, 2009 8:59 PM
Gut-bustingly hilarious, that.
On a side note, does anyone else find that Lovecraft's cringe-inducing racism renders him unreadable?
Posted by: John Morales | June 26, 2009 9:17 PM
Sastra @20,
Me too! And I loved the obscure, evocative words.
That's how I felt when I discovered William Hope Hodgson.
--
Nicolas @16, your fault for these two links. :)
Posted by: Brian | June 26, 2009 9:17 PM
What, you mean as opposed to his ridiculously over-the-top prose with its sophomoric reliance on adjectives like "eldritch"?
Posted by: AmyD
|
June 26, 2009 9:28 PM
This is not mine but I saw this link on another board. Make sure you read the text.
Hello Kthulu
http://www.flickr.com/photos/trinlayk/3632138481/in/set-72157594450375382/
Posted by: Tony P | June 26, 2009 9:29 PM
Reminds me of "As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end."
Part of Catholic Ritual for a while now.
Posted by: Scott | June 26, 2009 9:34 PM
Hey, i used to have the Necronomicon on my bookshelf right next to a Christian Bible. I was disappointed that neither of them caused the other to burst into flame. Maybe I missed doing and incantation or a prayer or a chicken sacrifice or something like that. I tried to read the version I had but it was even more boring than the bible next to it.
I must not have the right belief.
Posted by: Sastra
|
June 26, 2009 9:39 PM
John Morales #25 wrote:
Ah, I had to look him up. Sounds interesting, though...
Posted by: Rick R | June 26, 2009 9:45 PM
That's awesome. Look at the ass on the wife!
Even though this is a parody, the author gets a lot of Chick tract details exactly right. I love the gullibility of the man.
"I have absolutely no skepticism whatsoever regarding anything anyone tells me. Could it all be true?!?!?!
"Why yes, Bob, cocks really DO taste just like ice cream".
Posted by: Lazy | June 26, 2009 9:52 PM
http://www.weirdcrap.com/chick/links.html
The pagan parody of Chick's crap should be in here somewhere along with others. Enjoy!
Side note, did anyone else get the real Chick tracts handed out at their school like I did? Private school, maybe third or fourth grade. I got the one with a guy tryin to kill people with a chainsaw with a pumpkin on his head, but he couldn't enter the church. All it took to banish him was a little "May the Lord rebuke you!" if I recall correctly.
I loved it! It was horror comics handed out at school. Needless to say, all the other kids were freaked out and thought I was being a jackass.
Posted by: Eshto | June 26, 2009 9:52 PM
Why is the neighbor shirtless?
(And yes Rick, cocks are quite delicious)
Posted by: SciencePundit
|
June 26, 2009 9:53 PM
That was brilliantly illustrated.
@Frank Mitchell (#3) Thanks for the link.
Posted by: Polyester Mather DD | June 26, 2009 10:02 PM
How can it have it escaped The Discovery Institute's notice that, despite the mad Arab Abdul Al Hazred's effort to conceal PZ’s co-authorship of The Necronomicon , this blog’s very name derives from section 8-84 of the Ungood Book’s Revelation of Glaaki , commencing:
“Ph- [ary] nglui mglw’nath Cthulhu…”
Readers, be very afraid.
Posted by: Reader5000 | June 26, 2009 10:07 PM
Why is it that, when I read this in my head, Mr. Whatley sounds like the Amazing Randi?
Posted by: Crudely Wrott | June 26, 2009 10:28 PM
OK! OK!
I believe! Really. And I'll never forget to fear . . .
Gee whiz. Can I eat my supper now?
Posted by: SinSeeker | June 26, 2009 10:38 PM
I, for one, welcome our New Old One overlords
Posted by: Nicolas Keller | June 26, 2009 10:39 PM
@john #25 : thx for the links! i already read "a colder war", but i liked the clip- i guess i have a soft spot for creepy somewhat chaotic videos ;)
@#35: OMG why didnt we notice that!? it seems to be our fate... but dont be afraid, dont despair! let us join in chanting:
Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!
Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!(...)
Posted by: Anonymous | June 26, 2009 10:40 PM
Doesn't hold a candle to this great old one:
http://rubbersuitstudios.com/ptcct.htm
Posted by: John Morales | June 26, 2009 10:54 PM
Sad to say, I'm a bit of a sucker for the Mythos; I've even (blush) read a bunch of fan pastiches.
Cthulhu Mythos arcane literature.
Posted by: Cath the Canberra Cook | June 26, 2009 10:59 PM
I find that the racism just adds to the hilarious purple campitude.
Watched this last night: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101550/ Cthulhu meets Philip Marlow, it's Old Ones Noir.
Posted by: Jules | June 26, 2009 11:21 PM
necro...(cough mumble cough) necro... (cough mumble cough)
Ah how I missed Bruce Campbell, and now he is one of the stars of Burn Notice! Can't get enough of him!
Posted by: Jules | June 26, 2009 11:25 PM
necro...(cough mumble cough) necro... (cough mumble cough)
Ah how I missed Bruce Campbell, and now he is one of the stars of Burn Notice! Can't get enough of him!
Posted by: Chemgirl
|
June 26, 2009 11:34 PM
Actually, I really like that idea. I'd be interested to find out how many people a) know what/who Cthulhu is and b) know what a chordate is.
Posted by: 'Tis Himself
|
June 26, 2009 11:41 PM
Raises hand.
Posted by: Chemgirl
|
June 26, 2009 11:46 PM
Haha, okay, maybe I didn't word that well. I'd expect the vast majority of commenters here to know both about Cthulhu and chordates. I'd be interested (and in the end, most likely saddened) to find out how many people on the street get the joke.Posted by: Alan Kellogg | June 27, 2009 2:58 AM
Contrary to what you may have heard, Cthulhu loves chordates and has so many ways to prepare them. Pre-demise marinating is a favorite preparation.
Re Racism: Howard was a product of his times and upbringing. From what I've read of the man, I think it possible he also had Aspergers; because his behavior is a lot like someone with Aspergers.
Posted by: Gorogh | June 27, 2009 5:01 AM
Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!
p.s.: Does anyone know the board game "Arkham Horror"? Extremely worthwhile, I recommend it to anyone remotely interested in the Mythos. Could have some more Lovecraft quotes, though.
Posted by: Felix | June 27, 2009 5:05 AM
Sastra,
a few mild corrections if I may - your sanity may depend on them :) .
- the Elder Gods are the ones who warred with the Great Old Ones, leading to the banishment/exile/tranquilizing of the GOO.
- tentacles are a frequent feature in Lovecraftian horror, but the only ditinctly squiddish entities are Cthulhu and his Star Spawn (they look like small versions of him, about 2-3 meters in size). Cthulhu can shift appearance and material states, so there's nothing sure about anything (see, quantum so there).
to another commenter:
handing out copies of the Necronomicon is a great idea. If you don't mind being burned at the stake or getting ripped limb from limb by unseen entities while shopping for groceries. Don't worry if you can't get an original to copy from. All you have to do is open your mind and let the gthnaph flow until the vulgtmm fills you - you should be able to pen inspired copies easily.
Posted by: windy | June 27, 2009 5:43 AM
Clark Ashton Smith, anyone?
Posted by: kiki-klank
|
June 27, 2009 7:47 AM
Howard Hallis made another parody Chick Tract but didn't want to mess with the Jack's lawyers, so he removed it from his site:
http://www.howardhallis.com/bis/cthulhuchick/
A copy can be found in Eric S. Raymond's (of Hackers' Jargon File, Open Source Initiative and HTML Hell Page fame) website:
http://esr.ibiblio.org/?p=135
Posted by: John Morales
|
June 27, 2009 8:07 AM
Sorry, Windy — I considered CAS an etiolated version of HPL and rather derivative (probably unfairly*), and never read much of his corpus. At least he was true to the spirit of it, unlike, say, Brian Lumley.
There're some modern HPL-influenced writers I'll catch up with on my dotage, though**. Don't read much printed stuff these days... the internet is a time sink. Pharyngula in particular, dammit!
--
* HPL himself had a rather positive opinion of him.
Charlie Stross is an exception, though.
** Charlie Stross is an exception.
Posted by: stevey cee | June 27, 2009 8:23 AM
Clark Ashton Smith - there's a name fron my formative years.
'shudder'
Posted by: Sleeper | June 27, 2009 9:12 AM
You see, this is one of the main problems with religion, they sell you a line. I mean, if you worship the Old Ones you'll be devoured first. Really?!
Do these people think that after millennia of deathless slumber the Old Ones are going to spend their time carefully tracking down individual worshippers, picking them out of the crowd at the shopping mall, prizing them out of a bus like a sardine from a can or finding which seat they're in at the multiplex and leave the others untouched till later?
It's just not going to happen, people. It's going to be random acts of apocalyptic carnage I tell you. CARNAGE!
Posted by: Brandon P. | June 27, 2009 10:45 AM
All you Old One worshippers are blasphemous infidels. The one true god is Crom. Those who dispute otherwise with have to face Cimmerian steel.
Posted by: trinlayk | June 27, 2009 12:07 PM
Amy, thanks for the link to my flickr! Hi everyone!
(I made Hello Kthulhu on a whim, and now i think she is taking over my life... I'll be making more!
Stygian,
As a kid when I started reading Lovecraft, I think the racism was part of what made his work even MORE archaic and creepy.
(then again I was also semi familiar with the tropes of 30s-40s era pulps...)
I think some of us LOVE the work of HP Lovecraft,because his works are some of the first things of "Grown up horror" we read at ages like 11-14... and they scared the living crap outa us. I think it was _Shadow Over Innsmouth_ that kept me awake nights as a 5th or 6th grader.
Posted by: Angel Kaida | June 27, 2009 12:39 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ut82TDjciSg
Can't read a post on the Mythos without posting my very favorite Cthulhu video!
Also, a friend of a friend once told me that Lovecraft had at one point said explicitly that he was writing intentionally to produce horror for atheists. Can anyone confirm? I am trying to google for it, but it might have appeared in one of the personal essays I can't find.
Posted by: phoenixflash | June 27, 2009 1:17 PM
Shadow Over Innsmouth STILL creeps me out....In college we played "Call of Cthulu" role playing game. It was way better than D&D. After months of playing I think we ended up at Easter Island trying to chant something horrid back into the abyssal depths from whence it came.
Posted by: how | June 27, 2009 1:57 PM
"What can I do to save myself?!!?"
"Nothing! Absolutely nothing!"
Brilliant!
Posted by: how | June 27, 2009 2:03 PM
"What can I do to save myself?!!?"
"Nothing! Absolutely nothing!"
Brilliant!
Posted by: Alan Kellogg | June 27, 2009 6:28 PM
John Morales, #53
Clark and Howard were good friends in life, and along with Robert E. Howard comprised the three principal authors in Weird Tales. The trio shared ideas and tropes, and incorporated elements of the others' work in their own. In a sense the Mythos was the first shared universe, and Howard encouraged it.
Clark loved to over write. At least that's the impression I got. He loved the outre and surreal, and went for an affected effect. Like Howard he learned to write at a time when prose was denser than it is now. Atmospherics were big back then, the purpose being to invoke a tenor, a feel instead of merely imparting information. Clark Ashton Smith set out to establish a tone in his stories, and so he did.
Posted by: IainW | June 28, 2009 7:53 AM
phoenixflash (#59):
Shadow Over Innsmouth is an oddity, since it's one of Lovecraft's rare uses of a thriller-type plot (which he pulls off remarkably well, suggesting that he may have been a more versatile writer than he's usually given credit for). The film version Dagon ain't too bad either, even with the action relocated to Spain, and even though naked squid-girls aren't exactly canon.
Oh, yeah. I once managed to survive being eaten by a shoggoth (the trick is to always keep an arc-welder handy, so you can burn your way out from the inside). Happy days ...
Posted by: antistokes
|
June 28, 2009 8:26 AM
What I really enjoyed about Lovecraft was that he originally desired to be a scientist (according to S.T. Joshi), and at the time of his writings was avidly following the development of quantum physics (hey, so i like reading the footnotes in my Lovecraft compilations). I think his reaction to this came out in his writings, for example, i read Nyartholep, the Crawling Chaos, as his reaction to the idea of a fundamentally statistical universe.
"Dreams in the Which House" is another good short by HPL, not as acclaimed as "Innsmouth", but he specifically cites Plank and Heisenberg.
Posted by: John Morales | June 28, 2009 8:31 AM
Alan Kellogg @62, as you say.
--
Angel @58, you're probably referring to Richard L. Tierney's The Derleth Mythos; I don't think Lovecraft ever said such a thing.
Searching does find that quote in a forum, though.
--
IainW @63, Dagon was great! I heartily recommend it.
Posted by: antistokes
|
June 28, 2009 8:40 AM
crap, that's "Witch House", not "Which"....o great, now the crawling chaos will come for me...
Posted by: Pete Schult | June 29, 2009 12:10 AM
Campus Crusade for Cthulhu?
Posted by: Daniel M | July 3, 2009 6:43 PM
awesomely awesome!
ia! ia! petadyctalos phylloi!