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PZ Myers is a biologist and associate professor at the University of Minnesota, Morris.
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« One of us | Main | One more from Lindau »

Customize your bible!

Category: Weirdness
Posted on: July 5, 2009 4:59 PM, by PZ Myers

Once upon a time, people like Thomas Jefferson would take scissors to their bibles to produce a customized versions that better represented their beliefs. It is now the 21st century; all you need is an internet connection and a little comfort with the Unix command line to tweak the bible into any state you want, and who wouldn't want the HPL edition of the Unholy Bible. Abdul Alhazred would have loved this.

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Comments

Posted by: Canuck | July 5, 2009 5:09 PM

Okay, that's pretty cool. I know UNIX, but I couldn't have imagined that it could be so much fun in the arena of bible studies. Can you say grep, awk, or sed?

Posted by: Glen Davidson | July 5, 2009 5:12 PM

Hm, seems as dull, self-righteous, and dictatorial as the original.

But just in case, Praise Cthulu and his ravenous and righteously cruel desires.

Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/mxaa3p

Posted by: Brian | July 5, 2009 5:14 PM

This is geeky beyond words!

In fact --

sed -i -e 's/horrifically squamous //' -e 's/words/mortal abilities to describe/'

Oh, and while I'm at it --

sed -i -e 's/$/ Iä! Iä! Cthulhu ftaghn!/'

Posted by: Zeno | July 5, 2009 5:16 PM

The Bible would be much improved if we scissored out all of the "begats" without deleting any of the titillating begatting episodes sprinkled throughout. (Of course, some of those episodes could not conceivably have resulted in a begat.)

Posted by: Alex Besogonov | July 5, 2009 5:20 PM

Alas, that approach won't work with Russian version of the Bible :(

Those pesky plural forms and word inflection...

Posted by: Chris Davis | July 5, 2009 5:22 PM

If all else fails, try the Polari Bible:

1 In the beginning Gloria created the heaven and the earth.
2 And the earth was nanti form, and void; and munge was upon the eke of the deep. And the fairy of Gloria trolled upon the eke of the aquas.

3 And Gloria cackled, Let there be sparkle: and there was sparkle.

4 And Gloria vardad the sparkle, that it was bona: and Gloria medzered the sparkle from the munge.

5 And Gloria screeched the sparkle journo, and the munge she screeched nochy. And the bijou nochy and the morning were the first journo.

6 And Gloria cackled, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the aquas, and let it divide the aquas from the aquas.

7 And Gloria made the firmament, and medzered the aquas which were under the firmament from the aquas which were above the firmament: and it was so.

8 And Gloria screeched the firmament Heaven. And the bijou nochy and the morning were the second journo.

Fantabulosa!

Posted by: Canuck | July 5, 2009 5:27 PM

One could make it more interesting by replacing "begat" with "fucked and made the offspring"... I could get through that chapter then. I like the more blatant sexual overtone. I mean really, as PZ would likely confirm, we are all about two things, and two things only: sex and survival. The rest is "something to do if you have time".

I pointed this out to an artist friend a few years ago and she took great offense. She thought art was so important. Later on, when her survival was on the brink (mid-divorce with no job or money and two children to support) I revisited this issue. Suddenly she understood. And recognized the truth.

Posted by: Feynmaniac | July 5, 2009 5:32 PM

Meh, no bad, but I'm still not giving up my LOLCat bible.

John 3:16

So liek teh Ceiling Kitteh lieks teh ppl lots and he sez 'Oh hai I givez u me only kitteh and ifs u beleeves him u wont evr diez no moar, k?'

Posted by: Pharyngulette | July 5, 2009 5:33 PM

Mine shall be the bible of Chocolate, with the word "chocolate" replacing "god" and jeebus throughout.

No wait. Maybe the bible of Stewie Griffin. Or Winnie the Pooh..?

Damn, there are just too many options!

#10

Posted by: blf | July 5, 2009 5:40 PM

Oh for fecks sake, why the bloody dark text on a dark background in a tiny font size. FSdaMnits, not everyone has perfect vision, and simply cannot read that incredibly poorly presented page.

(Yes, I do know how to increase the size and remove the poor-contrast background. But the point is I shouldn't have to restort to such tricks.)

#11

Posted by: Jason Thibeault | July 5, 2009 5:48 PM

I'm seriously considering putting this up and making it searchable / linkable, if only I wouldn't have to reinvent the wheel and re-code it from scratch via PHP.

#12

Posted by: David Marjanović, OM | July 5, 2009 5:49 PM

Iä! Iä! Cthulhu ftaghn!

Fhtagn.

#13

Posted by: 'Tis Himself | July 5, 2009 5:52 PM

Iä! Iä! Cthulhu ftaghn!
Fhtagn.

David, may you be eaten first.

#14

Posted by: Richard Roedel | July 5, 2009 5:54 PM

Ooh.
*boots up PuTTY*

#15

Posted by: 386sx | July 5, 2009 5:56 PM

Why would somebody want to do that when they could use Microsoft Office Ultimate?

#16

Posted by: another | July 5, 2009 6:03 PM

Here's my fully customized bible, quoted in it's entirety:

#17

Posted by: cag | July 5, 2009 6:14 PM

I prefer the condensed, paraphrased version of the bible. It is composed of five words. It is the only one that I can remember perfectly.

Now repeat it after me: "It is all a lie". So simple even a fundie can read it (of course they do not get the central message as it is so cleverly hidden).

The current bible is actually a pyramid scheme manual with a twist. At the bottom are the "sheep", then comes the layity. Higher up are the rank & file preachers etc. Above them there are the HO staff, with archbishops, popes etc. another layer above -- (I like the word primates - an apt description). Now for the good part : like the great pyramid in Egypt, there is nothing at the top.

#18

Posted by: nemryn | July 5, 2009 6:22 PM

#6 Chris Davis: Don't move.

(Too obscure, perhaps?)

#19

Posted by: Elwood Herring | July 5, 2009 6:24 PM

Blasphemers all of you! The One True Bible was actually written by Spike Milligan:

THE CREATION ACCORDING TO THE TRADE UNIONS
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

And darkness was upon the face of the deep; this was due to a malfunction at the Lots Road Power Station.

And God said, Let there be light; and there was light, but Eastern Electricity Board said that He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

And God saw the light and it was good; He saw the quarterly bill and that was not good.

And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night, and so passed his G C S E.

And God said, Let there be a firmament and God called the firmament heaven, Freephone 999.

And God said, Let the waters be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear, and in London it went on the market at six hundred pounds a square foot.

And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it.

And God said, Let there be lights in heaven to give light to the earth, and it was so, except over England where there was heavy cloud and snow on high ground.

And God said, Let the seas bring forth that that hath life, flooding the market with fish fingers, fish-burgers and grade three salmon.

And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, multiply, and fill the sea, and let fowl multiply on earth where Prince Charles and Prince Philip would shoot them.

#20

Posted by: Owlmirror | July 5, 2009 6:56 PM

I think this is my cue to offer, once again, my idea for the Fully Qualified Bible.

Just prepend the word "maybe" before every clause.

"Maybe in the beginning, maybe God created the heavens and the earth."

Doubt leads to Agnosticism, and is the gateway to atheism.

#21

Posted by: BobbyEarle | July 5, 2009 7:27 PM

Pharyngulette @9

The list is endless:
Ovaltine
Chile Rellenos
Anything cooked with curry
Bacon

Well, ok, I guess nothing can follow bacon.

#22

Posted by: Pharyngulette | July 5, 2009 7:33 PM

The Bacon Bible? Yes. I could worship that.

#23

Posted by: MadScientist | July 5, 2009 7:50 PM

My version of the bible is very tree-friendly. All I needed was a bit of one of the Moses stories with appropriate words left out; I understand that all kabalists are in agreement over this revealed truth:

Thou shalt not obey god.

#24

Posted by: Michael Kingsford Gray | July 5, 2009 8:02 PM

#16 is both the wittiest, and the most accurate rendition.

#25

Posted by: Zeno | July 5, 2009 8:05 PM

No wait. Maybe the bible of Stewie Griffin.

A Stewie bible would certainly abridge the Ten Commandments (I know that "honor your mother" would be gone, but I don't think Stewie believes in "honor your father" either). And a religion based on a Stewie bible would probably need to include reincarnation, since it seems likely that Stewart is the embodiment of a British fascist leader of the World War II era. Science does not yet offer a definitive answer, however.

#26

Posted by: Alverant | July 5, 2009 10:31 PM

I remember an episode of Red Dwarf (a BBC sci-fi/comedy) where they did a fake news joke. The first page of the Bible was found. It goes, "To my dearest Candy. Please note that all the characters and events in this book is a work of fiction and have no intentional resemblance to anyone living or dead." (or something like that).

That's all I would add to the Bible, or any holy book for that matter.

#27

Posted by: Rorschach | July 5, 2009 11:28 PM

Why would somebody want to do that when they could use Microsoft Office Ultimate?

They might want for it to work.

Feyny,

the LOLcat bible cracks me up !

#28

Posted by: Atheist Attorney | July 5, 2009 11:35 PM

#16, wins.

#29

Posted by: shonny | July 6, 2009 12:46 AM

My bible is a brick. Fuckin' lot more useful!

#30

Posted by: t | July 6, 2009 1:51 AM

I thought River Tam's version was going to be definitive.

#31

Posted by: Lotharloo | July 6, 2009 2:24 AM

Posted by: Feynmaniac | July 5, 2009 5:32 PM
Meh, no bad, but I'm still not giving up my LOLCat bible.

John 3:16

So liek teh Ceiling Kitteh lieks teh ppl lots and he sez 'Oh hai I givez u me only kitteh and ifs u beleeves him u wont evr diez no moar, k?'

Holyshit! They almost have the entire bible in lolspeak. That takes ... endurance.

An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, the Urfs, I has it, An I has not eated it.30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, An teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good.
31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthxbai.

#32

Posted by: andrea | July 6, 2009 3:15 AM

The only unix command I want to use with the bible is rm -r *.f**kin*

#33

Posted by: Chris | July 6, 2009 3:23 AM

I would go along with #16 but maybe not quite as wordy.

#34

Posted by: XD | July 6, 2009 4:06 AM

Has anyone read the Jefferson Bible? I'm curious to know what it's like.

#35

Posted by: Marcus Ranum | July 6, 2009 6:00 AM

The Bacon Bible? Yes. I could worship that

Wait 'till you try the Bacon Koran.*

(*Fatwa not included)

#36

Posted by: maddogdelta | July 6, 2009 7:53 AM

I don't want to take the time, but a great quote mine of the bible is the "Star Wars" quote mine..

Luke
I am
your
father

// just find passages where the words match, and you've done Kent Hovind one better...

#37

Posted by: Elwood Herring | July 6, 2009 8:47 AM

Slightly OT but bible-related story:

Historic Bible pages put online

About 800 pages of the earliest surviving Christian Bible have been recovered and put on the internet.

#38

Posted by: Cosmic Teapot | July 6, 2009 9:50 AM

Wow, it works. Look what I got ;)

In the beginning was this Jewish carpenter, called Jesus.
Now he had been taught the old testicle but being a bit of a hippy, he did not like what it taught, because it was "heavy, man, all that violence, man. I thought I'd like that bit about getting stoned, but get this, man, it means something completely different than, you know, like, getting stoned, giggle".

Being a bit of a work shy fop, he created this socio-political movement where like minded young people could hang around, getting pissed, and hanging around with prostitutes, instead of making bookshelves, or going fishing.

And so they lived together, sharing everything in common, and scrounging off their parents when they ran short.

But Mary, the mother of Jesus had had enough and sent him to Jerusalem to get a job. So Jesus and his friends went to Jerusalem, and did a bit of screeching, like a mad old hermit called John the Baptist, because it seemed to work for him.

And one day, Jesus went alone to the temple, and trashed the money changers tables, because he said "you don't need bread, man, you just need bread, man, giggle. Oh, and a bit of wine, too". Also, he was as high as a kite and thought it would be a bit of a lark.

But the local constabulary objected to this and so they nailed him to a tree. And his friends knew this not, because he had gone out alone. And his friend Peter said, "Don't worry, he will return", but he never did.

Years later, a man called Saul heard a version of this in a bar, and thought this would be a good money earner. So he changed his name to Paul because the authorities wanted him for tax evasion, and then went preaching how Jesus saved by giving his money away, and that he would return to pay dividends out to all those who did likewise in his name.

And with the proceeds, he stayed on the Italien Riviera, with a nice place in Rome, with a grandiose view from Vatican Hill, for when he stayed in Rome.

#39

Posted by: Tophe | July 6, 2009 10:47 AM

Has anyone read the Jefferson Bible? I'm curious to know what it's like.

I haven't read it either, but it's online.

http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/toc/modeng/public/JefJesu.html

#40

Posted by: ursa major | July 6, 2009 11:52 AM

I have long believed that if the Babble was translated so the text which is gibberish rendered as gibberish; the names of the characters translated rather than transliterated; and various other clarifications of the texts, well, it would be very entertaining.

It might look something like this

Genesis 4:20-21

And Ornament brought forth Herdsman:
he was the ancestor of those who dwell in tents and breed cattle.
4:21
And his brother's name was Horn:
he was the ancestor of those who play the pan pipes and the lyre.

The religions of the Book depend on bad translations.

#41

Posted by: another | July 6, 2009 12:16 PM

Glad to see good editing is appreciated around here!

(Along those lines, my "it's" in #16 should be an "its", dammit.)

#42

Posted by: Joseph Kelly | July 6, 2009 12:29 PM

Did anyone else notice this line?:

-e "s/$an $\?unicorn/\1night-gaunt/gi" bible.txt

That means the word unicorn is in the bible?? I own a Jerusalem Bible, but it doesn't use the word unicorn (Isaiah 34:7). Damn, I need to get whatever version of the bible has unicorns!

#43

Posted by: Bryan Elliott | July 6, 2009 12:57 PM

My bible:

"God is unlikely. Now go figure life out for yourself."

#44

Posted by: tsg | July 6, 2009 1:34 PM

@42

Apparently it's the King James version:

Job39:9 Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib?

Psa22:21 Save me from the lion's mouth: for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns.

Psa29:6 He maketh them also to skip like a calf; Lebanon and Sirion like a young unicorn.

Isa34:7 And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.

Etc...

#45

Posted by: tim Rowledge | July 6, 2009 2:32 PM

Wait 'till you try the Bacon Koran.*
(*Fatwa not included)

Would that be .... bacon fatwa? Is it as good for roasting potatoes as duck fat?

#46

Posted by: Fred the Hun | July 6, 2009 2:36 PM

maybe someone can play with this one...

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/07/06/ancient.bible.online/index.html

#47

Posted by: Joseph Kelly | July 6, 2009 2:38 PM

@44

Thanks, tsg. I read those passages a few times, but I can't make out what they're trying to say. It's complete nonsense.

How can one version of the bible include so many references to unicorns, but another has omitted them completely? The presence of unicorns in the "true word of God" should be significant! Don't theologians agree? Or do they think unicorns are too close to fairies and occultish things? Maybe in biblical times, "like a young unicorn" was what people said for "horny."

#48

Posted by: tsg | July 6, 2009 4:37 PM

@47

For the record, most of the other versions (including the New King James version) seem to have interpreted "wild oxen" where the KJV has "unicorn" in Isaiah 34:7. At least they picked a real animal.

#49

Posted by: Jackson | July 13, 2009 1:25 AM

The Bible I feel is one's best friend. It is the best gift that you can give someone. It's definitely a gift for life. If you are looking at bibles at a discount then, http://coupongrove.com/ABSBibleandbookstore/ is offering great discount coupons for the same. The bibles are available in both Spanish and English and would be ideal for children too.

#50

Posted by: Jackson | July 13, 2009 1:31 AM