Sure, you're jealous that I won a prize off of all your back-breaking mouse clicking. So here's your chance to win $100 for just clicking a few keys in the right order. It's a creative writing contest, in which you have to come up with the most original and amusing creation myth. Just think — you could be the creator of the next Flying Spaghetti Monster!
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PZ Myers is a biologist and associate professor at the University of Minnesota, Morris.
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More articles by PZ Myers can be found on Freethoughtblogs at the new Pharyngula!
Win money!
Category: Creationism • Humor
Posted on: July 9, 2009 6:57 AM, by PZ Myers
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Comments
Posted by: Burning Umbrella | July 9, 2009 7:24 AM
Heresy! Everyone who's not completely off the rocker knows in the beginning there were trees, mountain and a midgit!
Posted by: Mephistopheles
|
July 9, 2009 7:57 AM
Just another attempt by witches and ninjas to thwart the efforts of good FSM fearing citizens of this great nation, which was BUILT on Pastafarian principles! The founding pirates put it in the Constitution!
Posted by: Cuttlefish, OM | July 9, 2009 8:27 AM
In the beginning was sepia ink,
It was formless, and vast, and imposing;
It spawned a great Cuttlefish (what did you think?)
Which spent several millennia dozing...
(OT--the most recent comment [comment #3, by Klatu] on http://digitalcuttlefish.blogspot.com/2009/07/applied-religion-101a-agriculture.html
claims to present a testable religion that works! Of course, if you look, I am certain Klatu was joking. I hope Klatu was joking. I can't imagine that Klatu was not joking...)
Posted by: pikeamus | July 9, 2009 8:40 AM
You should probably just send the prize straight to kier of the comic wiki's lessons in life for her creation mini series that started here (12 comics in total):
http://www.wikislessons.com/index.php?date=2007-07-17
While you are there you might as well read everything else she has done as well. It's splendid.
Posted by: pikeamus | July 9, 2009 8:43 AM
Make that: "They should probably just..."
Posted by: Daniel de Rauglaudre
|
July 9, 2009 8:57 AM
About the FSM and the Pastafarians: do you know that the greenhouse effect and the climate warming are going to decrease? Yes, and this is scientific! Proof: the number of pirates is increasing: look at Somalia!
Posted by: Smoggy Batzrubble | July 9, 2009 9:05 AM
Ooooh! Ooooh! Ooooh!
I know this! I know this!
The Batzrubble Clan have always known how, when and why the universe was created. The TRUE account has been passed down from Batzrubble Patriarch to Batzrubble Patriarch via the Sacred Original Underpants Linen (aka the SOUL). For it says in the Batzrubble Bible, in the Book of CishyFunt, Chapter 1, Verses 1-7:
1.1 And Lo it came to pass that the first Batzrubble Patriarch, Bob Batzrubble, dids't hear the true account of the "Creation of the Universe from Nothing To Everything" (CUNTE) directly from Our Heavenly Creator.
1.2 And Patriarch Bob Batzrubble dids't write the truth of the CUNTE upon the fabric of his Sacred Original Underpants Linen (aka the SOUL).
1.3 And then Patriarch Bob Batzrubble dids't don his SOUL, and Lo he he dids't not remove his SOUL for nigh on 108 years, six months, six days and six hours.
1.4 But then he was slain by his son, Anus Batzrubble, who dids't peel off the SOUL bearing the truth of the CUNTE from the crusty nether parts of Patriarch Bob, and dids't himself don the SOUL.
1.5 And it came to pass that after some numbers of years being a multiple of six, Anus Batzrubble was slain by his son Fellatio Batzrubble, who dids't covet the SOUL.
1.6 And Fellatio Batzrubble was slain by G.W. Batzrubble. And G.W. Batzrubble was slain by Jism Batzrubble. And Jism Batzrubble was slain by Epiglottis Batzrubble. And Epiglottis Batzrubble was slain by Sphincter Batzrubble. And Sphincter Batzrubble was Slain by Knob Batzrubble. And Knob Batzrubble was slain by Meatus Batzrubble.
1.7 And thus was the Sacred Original Underpants Linen with the truth of the Creation of the Universe from Nothing to Everything, passed down through the loving Clan Batzrubble.
But listen! The exciting part about this is that the last Patriarch, Meatus Batzrubble, was my own Papa Batzrubble. And Papa had the Sacred Underpants with the true Creation Story written on them (he always walked funny, and the smell isn't one you quickly forget). And I know where the SOUL is now. It's still covering Papa's noxious nether regions. Some of you may recall me mentioning that Papa B. was executed as a serial killer. Well, he was wearing the Sacred Underpants when they hung him, and the authorities decided to leave them on him because as his neck snapped like one of Palin's Christmas turkey's his bowels voided. And I know exactly where he's buried.
I'll be right back...just going to find my shovel!
Posted by: AJ Milne | July 9, 2009 9:18 AM
I dunno about this one. I mean sure, money's money... But the last time I entered one of these, I figured I'd stick in DC-10s, aliens, nukes and volcanoes... Dead cinch, I figured. That sawbuck's so mine...
Which, okay, yes, it was... 'Cos sure, I won. Which was good. But then this hack sci-fi guy swipes it... Or rather, appropriates... Legally... Turns out there was this fine print on the submission form, and man that guy lawyered up fast, but I digress...
I mean fuck, and now he and his ilk are all testy about copyright. The bloody cheek of them... Anyway, to make a long story short, the point is: you can cause an awful lot of mischief this way.
Posted by: Jojo | July 9, 2009 9:34 AM
Oh wait, I'd never win a writing contest with that garbage.
Posted by: Rey Fox | July 9, 2009 9:43 AM
"Proof: the number of pirates is increasing: look at Somalia!"
I suspect that the number of pirates has only been increasing over the years as the human population increased. But then, I'm kind of a killjoy that way.
Posted by: tsg | July 9, 2009 9:45 AM
"... and god said 'Let there be light' and there was none. And he was confused..."
Posted by: MartyM | July 9, 2009 10:06 AM
No one will win! It is stated in the directions #4. "...While all stories will undoubtedly be ridiculous, we still expect their content to be logically coherent." Logically coherent. See that? How is that possible for a creation story? This seams similar to Kent Hovind's prize for "proof" of evolution. Well, okay, maybe it's not that ridiculous!
Posted by: Phrogge | July 9, 2009 10:09 AM
...willing to concede to Cuttlefish, even before the next quatrain....
Posted by: J-Dog | July 9, 2009 10:09 AM
There was NO creation. Period, end of story.
Posted by: Meyrick Kirby | July 9, 2009 10:20 AM
Will a prize?! Well I tried winning one million dollars off the Missing Universe Creation Museum. Did I? The bastards didn't even reply to my email!
Posted by: Max | July 9, 2009 10:47 AM
As one of the co-authors of www.inebirateddiscourse.com, I assure you that the author of the best story will get $100, and second best $50. This is on-the-level. We may not be rich, but what's a mere $150 for a couple of great creation stories? You've got nothing to lose.
Posted by: meh1963 | July 9, 2009 10:50 AM
Another one:
And doG said "Let there be light!"
...and the fuse blew.
Posted by: AJ Milne | July 9, 2009 11:18 AM
"Dear Inebriated Discourse: I read your creation stories every month, and I'm just a blue collar god, not so pretty, truth is, never figured a moment of creation would ever happen to me. So I used to figure, sure, that stuff you read in the magazine, that's not real. That's all just made up. That doesn't really happen...
"That all changed last week...
"See, my neighbour, Lilith, is easily the sexiest storm demon on our block. All the heavenly host want her, whether they'll admit as much at our weekly poker night after a shot or thirty of ambrosia or not. Lilith's amazing. A minx. Wears this short-cut toga, ass to get killed, crucified, dead, buried, and reincarnated for, if ya know what I mean... Never mind Helen and that little Troy dustup... there's cities in the middle East been razed to the ground and rebuilt six times just because of her, it's nuts. Anyway...
"Anyway, I was hanging out one Sunday night, all by myself, which was a drag. But it's how it goes, see... I'd just tried to create this universe all on my own, and that was about as satisfying as it usually is... And don't even ask how it went... I mean, as if you hadn't heard. Man, I mean, everyone did... And of course, Thor had been razzing me. Just locker room talk, after the interpantheon squash tournament, y'know, but man, I still hate that. 'Puny desert god, your universe amuses mighty Thor... Maybe you need a bigger hammer, like mine...' Funny guy.
"So, anyway, I'm there all alone, and the doorbell rings. And you can imagine my surprise when it's Lilith standing there, wearing nothing but this skin-tight little cupid costume thing... Black. I love black...
"'Hey Yahweh,' she says, breathily, her tongue moistening her upper lip seductively, 'I'm hearing you had some trouble with that snake of yours. Maybe I can help...'"
Posted by: DaddyScotch | July 9, 2009 11:38 AM
And it came about that a great unrest began in the nothing. Yes the nothing did give way, and from it sprung forth the most powerful of forces, Rock Music.
And the Rock Music was pure and without blemish. But the Rock Music was unsatisfied, for nothing, not a single being existed to hear of it's mighty power. So the Rock Music did create for itself a Rock Messiah, yes on that day Rock Music created the great prophet, the bass of bass, and cord of cords, Lemmy Kilmister.
Posted by: Nick Boorer | July 9, 2009 11:38 AM
The trouble is, no matter how hard one tries, I really don't think it is possible to beat the ancient Egyptian myth of Ra-Atum/Amen-Re/Amon-Ra kicking it off by jerking off and jizzing out his son and daughter to populate the world....
...oh though I have heard that there are even people who believe that the world was created in 6 days and humans were created out of mud and spare ribs or something...but that is surely even more preposterous (and considerably less amusing) than the Egyptians.
And on that note, I'm off to see if I can create some new deities in the bathroom. Tarra Chucks.
Posted by: Dahan | July 9, 2009 11:40 AM
I am so going to enter this! Of course it's hard to get crazier than the ones already out there.
May the Great Green Arkleseizure bless and keep you.
Posted by: Nick Boorer | July 9, 2009 11:41 AM
The trouble is, no matter how hard one tries, I really don't think it is possible to beat the ancient Egyptian myth of Ra-Atum/Amen-Re/Amon-Ra kicking it off by jerking off and jizzing out his son and daughter to populate the world....
...oh though I have heard that there are even people who believe that the world was created in 6 days and humans were created out of mud and spare ribs or something...but that is surely even more preposterous (and considerably less amusing) than the Egyptians.
And on that note, I'm off to see if I can create some new deities in the bathroom. Tarra Chucks.
Posted by: Alan Kellogg | July 9, 2009 1:04 PM
It all started when our science teacher thought it would be fun for a bunch of 8th graders to create a universe. I think he got a freebie from a science equipment company. We came up with all sorts of weird shit.
A bit later God drafted me to play him for this Moses fellow. Had no idea what I was doing, and I don't think I explained myself very clearly. Then you lot had to go and misinterpret my response when Moses asked me what I was.
You know, you lot have done much better than we expected when we upgraded the equipment this last time. But we do need to start thinking seriously about clearing out the data base for the next upgrade. There's a lot of crap from previous version still in there.
Posted by: JM Inc. | July 9, 2009 2:12 PM
Hey, we had to do this as a creative writing assignment in english class in Grade 9! We had to read them aloud to the class afterward; mine was about the first cocktail weenie and I ad libbed it after I discovered too late that my 60 or so pages of theogeny were at least 58 pages over the length limit.
Posted by: Rich Lawler | July 9, 2009 2:44 PM
I'm in this contest to win. I'll give it a shot.