Whew, dodged a mistake — the movie is on RIGHT NOW! An alert reader caught me in time and let me know I live in the Central Time Zone. I haven't even touched the hooch yet.
It starts with Deborah Gibson, Submarine Pilot, dodging angry whales, and...breaking a giant octopus out of a block of ice? And it then destroys an oil drilling platform? I'm confused. That means I have to take a sip. (No, not a drink. I plan to survive this event.
A shark just leapt up and ate a jetliner? What the hell? OK, big drink. Never mind survival.
I may not make it through this abomination. It's not just the drinking and the bad movie, it's the commercials every 5 minutes.
I don't understand. Suddenly the navy is involved in giant shark hunting? Firing a battleship's cannon at it? And it survives?
It just ate a battleship. I didn't buy enough hootch for this thing.
A plan! Corral each monster in a bay: Tokyo Bay and San Francisco Bay. Yeah, I can tell this plan will work just great.
Why do the fake scientists in this movie keep peering into microscopes and pouring colored fluids back and forth? They're studying something the size of a freight train!
Debbie and Asian scientist she just met get lusty over death talk, have sex, and get inspired to use pheromones to draw monsters into bays. Pheromones are made suddenly in lab, and are fluorescent green. Weird.
Asian scientist talks about it's fate that he and Debbie will be together. Prediction: he'll be eaten soon.
The octopus just ate a jet fighter. Tally so far:
Octopus: One oil platform, one small jet fighter.
Shark: One jetliner, one battleship.
PZ: One glass of wine.
For some reason, placing the tiny beaker of pheromone bait requires Debbie to drive a submersible to place it in just the right spot. It's supposed to attract a monster across half the width of the Pacific Ocean!
The submersible claw gets jammed, of course. And here comes the shark. At 500 knots! Don't worry, the submersible outruns it.
Shark just ate another battleship and the Golden Gate bridge.
The octopus is not getting enough screen time here. If I wanted all sharks all the time, I'd be watching the Discovery Channel.
Octopus was apparently wreaking havoc offscreen. Debbie Gibson's lover reports that they shot it with artillery and just made it mad.
Since big guns did nothing, they're obviously going to have to nuke it.
Until Debbie has a brilliant idea: have the two fight each other to the death. Saw that one coming from a mile away.
The only way to get the two monsters to fight is deliver another tiny container of pheromone from a submarine piloted by Debbie. Of course. This is insane.
Debbie is now lustfully hoping for a bloodbath. What happened to the earlier insistence on catching them alive?
Shark has eaten an oil tanker now, and is chasing Debbie Gibson's sub. At 500 knots, probably. Debbie shoots it with torpedos that miss, until the entire US submarine fleet shows up to shoot at it, too.
And then the octopus shows up to eat 5 submarines! Yay octopus!
Shark and octopus finally meet: octopus is winning with nice strangle hold, until shark bites off one of his arms. Dirty fighter! They separate so SyFy can squeeze in another commercial.
The shark is trying to eat Debbie's submarine. Just ate it in half, but Debbie is getting away in a submersible.
The octopus just destroyed the submarine containing Debbie's sensitive Japanese lover. She's going to rescue him, apparently.
SHARK/OCTOPUS FIGHT!
They wrestle around for a bit, then…both dead? Just like that/ How anticlimactic.
Final tally:
Shark: One jetliner, two battleships, an oil tanker, and the Golden Gate Bridge.
Octopus: An oil platform, one small jet fighter, and six submarines.
PZ: Two glasses of wine.
I think the octopus was robbed. Maybe if his diet had been as robust as the shark's, he would have won at the end.
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