…and this is a 
Whew, dodged a mistake — the movie is on RIGHT NOW! An alert reader caught me in time and let me know I live in the Central Time Zone. I haven't even touched the hooch yet.
It starts with Deborah Gibson, Submarine Pilot, dodging angry whales, and...breaking a giant octopus out of a block of ice? And it then destroys an oil drilling platform? I'm confused. That means I have to take a sip. (No, not a drink. I plan to survive this event.
A shark just leapt up and ate a jetliner? What the hell? OK, big drink. Never mind survival.
I may not make it through this abomination. It's not just the drinking and the bad movie, it's the commercials every 5 minutes.
I don't understand. Suddenly the navy is involved in giant shark hunting? Firing a battleship's cannon at it? And it survives?
It just ate a battleship. I didn't buy enough hootch for this thing.
A plan! Corral each monster in a bay: Tokyo Bay and San Francisco Bay. Yeah, I can tell this plan will work just great.
Why do the fake scientists in this movie keep peering into microscopes and pouring colored fluids back and forth? They're studying something the size of a freight train!
Debbie and Asian scientist she just met get lusty over death talk, have sex, and get inspired to use pheromones to draw monsters into bays. Pheromones are made suddenly in lab, and are fluorescent green. Weird.
Asian scientist talks about it's fate that he and Debbie will be together. Prediction: he'll be eaten soon.
The octopus just ate a jet fighter. Tally so far:
Octopus: One oil platform, one small jet fighter.
Shark: One jetliner, one battleship.
PZ: One glass of wine.
For some reason, placing the tiny beaker of pheromone bait requires Debbie to drive a submersible to place it in just the right spot. It's supposed to attract a monster across half the width of the Pacific Ocean!
The submersible claw gets jammed, of course. And here comes the shark. At 500 knots! Don't worry, the submersible outruns it.
Shark just ate another battleship and the Golden Gate bridge.
The octopus is not getting enough screen time here. If I wanted all sharks all the time, I'd be watching the Discovery Channel.
Octopus was apparently wreaking havoc offscreen. Debbie Gibson's lover reports that they shot it with artillery and just made it mad.
Since big guns did nothing, they're obviously going to have to nuke it.
Until Debbie has a brilliant idea: have the two fight each other to the death. Saw that one coming from a mile away.
The only way to get the two monsters to fight is deliver another tiny container of pheromone from a submarine piloted by Debbie. Of course. This is insane.
Debbie is now lustfully hoping for a bloodbath. What happened to the earlier insistence on catching them alive?
Shark has eaten an oil tanker now, and is chasing Debbie Gibson's sub. At 500 knots, probably. Debbie shoots it with torpedos that miss, until the entire US submarine fleet shows up to shoot at it, too.
And then the octopus shows up to eat 5 submarines! Yay octopus!
Shark and octopus finally meet: octopus is winning with nice strangle hold, until shark bites off one of his arms. Dirty fighter! They separate so SyFy can squeeze in another commercial.
The shark is trying to eat Debbie's submarine. Just ate it in half, but Debbie is getting away in a submersible.
The octopus just destroyed the submarine containing Debbie's sensitive Japanese lover. She's going to rescue him, apparently.
SHARK/OCTOPUS FIGHT!
They wrestle around for a bit, then…both dead? Just like that/ How anticlimactic.
Final tally:
Shark: One jetliner, two battleships, an oil tanker, and the Golden Gate Bridge.
Octopus: An oil platform, one small jet fighter, and six submarines.
PZ: Two glasses of wine.
I think the octopus was robbed. Maybe if his diet had been as robust as the shark's, he would have won at the end.
Comments
Posted by: 'Tis Himself, Quel Dommage
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August 29, 2009 9:15 PM
Does PZ still use a sippy cup?
Posted by: The Science Pundit
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August 29, 2009 9:16 PM
Deborah Gibson? The teen pop sensation from my childhood? Being fondled by cephalopodic tentacles? (Okay, I'm not sure about that last part yet.) I'm down with that.
Posted by: Carlie | August 29, 2009 9:19 PM
Are we spoilery livecommenting? Because that would be awesome.
The first time I watched it, I knew it would be great from the minute Debbie sauntered on in her unbuttoned lab coat with rolled-up sleeves. Lab coats as 80s fashion ftw!
Posted by: Carlie | August 29, 2009 9:21 PM
First declaration of "I'm a scientist" - drink!
Posted by: Stellar Sasquatch | August 29, 2009 9:22 PM
Cephlapod up man! Do colossal squid use sippy cups when staring down the menacing glare of sperm whales?
The last thing you want is Ken Ham thinking he can drink you under a table.
Posted by: King Kong | August 29, 2009 9:22 PM
I'm sorry, but I promise it won't be as entertaining as this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A*P*E
Posted by: Lee Picton | August 29, 2009 9:26 PM
OK. Tuned in just in time to see a bad special effects rendering of a shark taking down an airliner in flight into its jaws. I can't imagine sitting through this. Just can't. I see there are reruns of NCIS on...
Posted by: Andrew | August 29, 2009 9:28 PM
The part when the shark jumps up and eats the plane is hilarious.. I laughed for nearly 10 minutes when I saw that.
Posted by: Nerd of Redhead, OM
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August 29, 2009 9:30 PM
Better yet, Mythbusters...well, it may all be a matter of taste. Do what you will.Posted by: CarlosT | August 29, 2009 9:41 PM
"When we find the beast, we'll send him to hell!"
Signs point to no.
Posted by: Carlie | August 29, 2009 9:47 PM
Lorenzo Lamas just had to suggest sending the octopus and shark an e-vite. Snort.*
*That was a strangled laugh, not an admission of moving to the hard stuff.
Posted by: Aaron Baker | August 29, 2009 9:47 PM
"Manzanar was for Americans."
"Kewpie doll for the Irishman."
"Yes, it's an equal-opportunity eating machine."
The dialogue has a whimsical, Ed-Woodesque badness that almost redeems the movie.
Posted by: James F | August 29, 2009 9:48 PM
I'd still sooner watch this than Expelled.
Posted by: CarlosT | August 29, 2009 9:51 PM
Expelled would have been worth it if it had been Giant Shark vs. Giant Octopus vs. Ben Stein.
Posted by: SteveM | August 29, 2009 9:51 PM
What the heck was going on during the scene of the Destroyer "attacking" the Megalodon? What were were all those flashes? Does this shark drag a thunderstorm around with it everywhere?
Posted by: JefFlyingV | August 29, 2009 9:53 PM
I've never heard of the movie before Prof. Myers, but reading your descriptions of the scenes has given me a great laugh. Would you consider the movie as a D list movie Sci-Fi?
Posted by: CarlosT | August 29, 2009 9:56 PM
The score is beyond silly.
Posted by: Aaron Baker | August 29, 2009 9:56 PM
"Smell is a powerful thing." Very on point, given the aroma coming from this movie.
Posted by: Cephus | August 29, 2009 10:00 PM
I saw it a while back and yes, this movie is every bit as horrible as PZ makes it out to be. I don't care how big the shark is, it is not going to be able to leap up and pluck a jetliner out of the air. Of course, PZ missed the part where the shark bit the Golden Gate Bridge in half. Maybe he was drowning his agony in a couple of gallons of high-grade hooch at the time.
Mega-shark vs. Giant Octopus is one of those movies that makes you wish for a power failure.
Posted by: Evie | August 29, 2009 10:00 PM
LMAO I had nothing better to do tonight so I thought I'd tune in....I'm glad I did! This is better than "The Day After Tomorrow"! LOL
Sex ALWAYS leads to the answer......tonight it's a glowing green vial of....what? My dishwasher is drowning out the dialogue...(although I'm pretty sure I'm not missing much.....)
Posted by: Bryan Williams | August 29, 2009 10:00 PM
"If you'd been frozen in the ice for millions of years, wouldn't you be horny?"
Bryan...it's almost as funny as the octopus catching the F-14 midflight....
Posted by: Peter G | August 29, 2009 10:02 PM
I wonder if anyone has done any serious research exploring the correlation between the repeated viewing of bad science fiction and liver disease in scientists.
Posted by: Kausik Datta | August 29, 2009 10:06 PM
Can this qualify as masochism?
Would that there were a video of PZ watching this movie...
Popcorn!!
Posted by: ProudCynic | August 29, 2009 10:13 PM
Wow. This movie is even worse than I imagined. I can't look away.
Posted by: Josh | August 29, 2009 10:14 PM
I missed the beginning but it appears that the shark is maybe as large as a sky scraper? Does anyone feel like figuring out how much food each of these things would need a day to survive and how many of each species would be needed to deplete ocean life in a year?
Posted by: Jason A.
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August 29, 2009 10:17 PM
Is it me or is the shark always just the right size to fit whatever the relevant object is in its mouth? Both the jumbo jet and the battleship were just bite size.
Posted by: Carlie | August 29, 2009 10:18 PM
Jason, I was just about to say that - the size of both the shark and the octopus seems to be incredibly variable.
Posted by: Bryan Williams | August 29, 2009 10:18 PM
OMT (oh, my Thor): it just ate the Golden Gate Bridge. And I'm out of Jamesons.
Posted by: darvolution proponentsist | August 29, 2009 10:21 PM
Of course not, that would be juvenile. Someone as refined as PZ (pants or no-pants) would only use the Lunchbox "Octopus" Bottle Pet. Harrumphh!
Posted by: Noadi | August 29, 2009 10:22 PM
I'm live tweeting this http://twitter.com/Noadi and so is PZ (his is funnier I think)
Posted by: Rev. BigDumbChimp | August 29, 2009 10:24 PM
Humm, for some reason this tore me away from baseball and football.
The acting is top notch shit on this one. Perfect.
Is that Lorenzo Llamas?
Posted by: a different phil | August 29, 2009 10:24 PM
Wow, is this wretched.
Posted by: Dianne | August 29, 2009 10:27 PM
Pheromones are made suddenly in lab, and are fluorescent green. Weird.
They used a GFP tag and forgot to turn off the UV light. That's the least of the movie's problems.
Posted by: Sven DiMilo | August 29, 2009 10:28 PM
I'm glad I'm not watching this, because PZ's comments and observations are much funnier this way.
Duh! Union regs! What are you, a real scientist?
Posted by: bastion of sass | August 29, 2009 10:30 PM
*Gasp!* Christian Deborah Gibson plays a character who has sex with a man to whom she is not married?! And she doesn't die a terrible death before the credits roll (which would show God's terrible wrath)?
This is not the way a true Good Christian woman witnesses for her faith.
*To the fainting couch; clutching pearls*
Posted by: Evie | August 29, 2009 10:31 PM
This movie is so bad I can't stop giggling; and I'm not drinking either....
Posted by: Peter G | August 29, 2009 10:31 PM
If is suspend any more disbelief there is a serious danger of shutting down my autonomic nervous functions.
Posted by: JessC | August 29, 2009 10:31 PM
Same set for the American ship and the Japanese sub? I think I'd rather watch Manos without the boys riffing on it than this.
Posted by: Michelle R
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August 29, 2009 10:37 PM
Man, this sounds like an epic movie of fromage.
I wish I could watch it. I LOVE awful movies.
Posted by: Nerd of Redhead, OM
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August 29, 2009 10:38 PM
Don't over do it PZ. Next thing you know, you'll be swigging root beer floats...Posted by: Noadi | August 29, 2009 10:39 PM
No, nothing is possibly as bad as Manos the Hands of fate without MST3K. This movie is bad but at least it makes some sort of warped sense.
Posted by: Michelle R
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August 29, 2009 10:44 PM
That's it! I AM gonna watch this movie! No. Matter. What.
GO INTERNET.
Posted by: Josh | August 29, 2009 10:45 PM
I always thought they spoke Japanese in Japan. Color me surprised that they speak perfect, unbroken and accentless English.
Posted by: Rev. BigDumbChimp | August 29, 2009 10:45 PM
I didn't realize that all submariners were equipped with sidearms.
Posted by: Jafafa Hots | August 29, 2009 10:47 PM
Glad I canceled the dish a few months back.
Me, I'll be watching some good archeology docs from the BBC off the hard drive.
Posted by: Ichthyic | August 29, 2009 10:50 PM
I didn't realize that all submariners were equipped with sidearms.
I'll tell you what this movie taught me:
I now wanna be a Naval Submarine Paleontology Captain, like the old professor!
how cool a job is THAT, huh?
Posted by: scooter
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August 29, 2009 10:52 PM
Oh shit I've been over at the last thread talking to myself.
These have to be all first takes, who wrote this shit, this is bad, there are reaction takes to stuff going on outside the sub, do they have windows? wtf
Posted by: Rev. BigDumbChimp | August 29, 2009 10:54 PM
abandon ship?
HELLO YOU'RE IN A SUBMARINE
Posted by: TTammas | August 29, 2009 10:54 PM
Noadi@41 - Re; Manos Hand of Fate - a close 2nd for pure badness is Zombie Lake - has nazi zombies with dissolving green face paint, swimming pool with visible tarps subbing as the lake - wonderfully awful movies.
Posted by: Katrina | August 29, 2009 10:54 PM
It's not on here on the West Coast for another hour. They're showing other lame shark movies in the meantime.
My 13-year-old son and I are looking forward to watching it.
And laughing.
Posted by: Susan | August 29, 2009 10:55 PM
Those poor monsters are going to die of lead poisoning. Go, PZ! Thanks for blogging it so amusingly.
Posted by: teachingsapiens.wordpress.com
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August 29, 2009 10:56 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFOEZh1Lbbg
Real octopus vs shark.
Posted by: Rev. BigDumbChimp | August 29, 2009 11:00 PM
wait
What?
Posted by: Jon Anderson | August 29, 2009 11:03 PM
I just got in for the last 10 minutes of it, and I have to agree - that was a terrible ending to the fight. I was also surprised that when they cut back to them sinking after the beach conversation the shark didn't open its eye to dramatic music.
Posted by: scooter
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August 29, 2009 11:03 PM
uh-oh bikinis and sharks, better go to work.
Posted by: 'Tis Himself, Quel Dommage
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August 29, 2009 11:07 PM
That's so when someone screws up, he can be dealt with appropriately. In the submarine force, it's one strike and you're out.
Posted by: crickets | August 29, 2009 11:07 PM
PZ outlines exactly the same movie moments which made me say, "wtf?".
I agree that the most bizarre scene is the concoction of the 'bait'. 15 minutes of playing with food coloring and then... it glows! thats how you know it's POTENT. if only it were so easy to tell that any lab procedure was successful.
Posted by: 'Tis Himself, Quel Dommage
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August 29, 2009 11:12 PM
My favorite bit was the fleet of submarines operating at high speed just yards apart. Back in the day, when I was doing submarines, we were given ten nautical square mile boxes to operate in, and nobody better move into your box. But that was a few years ago, things are probably different now.
Posted by: Gyeong Hwa Pak | August 29, 2009 11:13 PM
Cable?
Don't have it.
Internet stream?
To lazy.
Having fun PZ with sharks and octopi? Wouldn't you rather try some bánh xèo with fresh picked mint?
Posted by: bernie | August 29, 2009 11:18 PM
You all go ahead and laugh, but I'm pretty sure this is a true story.
Posted by: SteveM | August 29, 2009 11:21 PM
plus two tentacles
and why did the oc suddenly drop Hoshi's (whatever) sub, just when it was about to snap it in half?
Posted by: AZ Geo | August 29, 2009 11:22 PM
(Groan) This is why I only READ SciFi!
Posted by: Mena | August 29, 2009 11:26 PM
What, you guys were watching this instead of the "Being Human" season finale? Heathens, octopus or not.
BTW, have another drink for a couple of ectotherms having such huge appetites.
Posted by: Chemgirl
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August 29, 2009 11:29 PM
I can only guess, since I didn't watch the movie, but I'm thinking reading your reactions was more entertaining.
Thank you, PZ.
Posted by: Jason Dick | August 29, 2009 11:30 PM
Hahaha! Oh, man, this is hilarious. I get a feeling that I am enjoying this movie so much more as a blog post than I would actually watching it!
Posted by: malendras | August 29, 2009 11:34 PM
The plot of this movie sounds a LOT like a contest-winning radio short I wrote in the 5th grade, except dumber. A LOT dumber.
Posted by: karen | August 29, 2009 11:45 PM
I caught the last 30 min. after switching over from watching Clint Eastwood save an innocent man from the final two portions of his death sentence injections. I saw that this was on earlier and flipped to it during commercials and only saw Debbie Gibson talking to Michael J Fox's sitcom dad, who had a terrible Irish accent. Figured all I needed to see was the last 20-30 minutes when the 2 monsters would be dueling.
The acting and script are horrid. The direction and music are horrid. Hell, everything about this flick is horrid! Great fodder for MST3K! I couldn't stop laughing for all the same reasons everyone else had commented on.
But...the ending left room for a sequel, as the monster in the North Sea gets tackled by Debbie and her naughty lover. I hope they have enough food coloring left for more pheromones! Maybe they'll wear their lab coats in the submersible next time!
Posted by: Coleslaw | August 29, 2009 11:46 PM
Well, one assumes they speak unbroken and accentless (other than regional accents) Japanese. If you aren't going to have the actors speak Japanese with English subtitles, then I think perfect, unbroken and accentless English conveys the idea that these people are speaking their native language better than broken and accented English does.
Posted by: R.A. Williamson | August 29, 2009 11:46 PM
Been a while since a running narrative nearly made me pee my pants laughing. Thanks PZ.
Posted by: Disgod | August 29, 2009 11:47 PM
I want to believe that your explanation of the movie is a joke. I want to believe that no movie/story could ever be that wrong and retarded. It sounds like Syfy stuck a bunch of elementary school children in a room gave them PCP and had them come up with the entire plot of a movie. I am almost incapable of believing that a movie could be that terrible, but then there is the fact that there are corroborating independent accounts, and I am inclined to accept your summary as accurate.
Posted by: wrpd | August 29, 2009 11:50 PM
Why would a shark eat a commerical airliner? Why would it eat the Golden Gate Bridge? Why would an octopus--of any era--be a shark's mortal enemy?
So many questions!!!!! I smell a sequel. No wait, that odor is coming from the socks under my bed.
Astoundingly bad movie.
Posted by: Matheus | August 29, 2009 11:55 PM
I always wondered what Lorenzo Lamas was up to these days. Well dude's gotta earn his dough I suppose.
Posted by: Ichthyic | August 29, 2009 11:59 PM
I saw that this was on earlier and flipped to it during commercials and only saw Debbie Gibson talking to Michael J Fox's sitcom dad, who had a terrible Irish accent.
Nope, that wasn't Michael Gross, though it does look a bit like him, it was Sean Lawlor:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0492566/
Posted by: Mena | August 30, 2009 12:11 AM
Disgod@70:
Have you ever seen "Highlander: The Source"? If that one could be made, so can this. I suspect that this one may have even been better, but I didn't watch it to find out. ;^)
Posted by: jimBOB | August 30, 2009 12:11 AM
Couldn't watch due to lack of cable (I refuse to pay a monthly fee to Rupert Murdoch and Fox News isn't optional on all cable packages I've ever seen), but I did catch the trailer on imdb.
I think it's oddly comforting that films of this sort are still being made in 2009. The 50's had classics like Plan 9 etc., but this picture shows that astonishing stupidity and horrible production values van still be found in present times.
Posted by: Teliria
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August 30, 2009 12:17 AM
My Dad has a collection of these types of movies... so bad they are not even B-Movies... maybe G or H's...
Thank you, Dr. Myers for helping me check off another person on my holiday shopping list...
-Dad... check...
Posted by: Alan Kellogg | August 30, 2009 12:38 AM
Why does the SyFy channel keep interrupting all their wonderful commercials for such crappy movies?
Posted by: RC | August 30, 2009 12:39 AM
Why are the fingernails on one hand painted black? Wait no, they both are, except her left when she's driving the sub.
What's wrong with the chopper pilot's lips?
Can Debbie Gibson hear sonar?
Why are there hammerheads off alaska?
I'm only 8 minutes in...if you want to watch it's on megavideo which streams extremely fast.
Posted by: MadScientist | August 30, 2009 12:40 AM
Everyone knows that you make pheromones by mixing fluorescein with some amount of water; it also doubles as alien blood. Not to mention that anything that moves is attracted to anything else that moves via pheromones except in the "exorcist" movies in which god and the devil attract just because opposites do.
The octopus should never have eaten those submarines; for the past 3 decades the US fleet has been mostly nuclear (I was surprised to learn that a few diesel subs are still kept). I suspect the beast died of lead poisoning from the reactors' casings. The shark either died of lead poisoning from the paint on the Golden Gate or else it was a drug overdose thanks to the drug traffickers who happened to be driving across at that time. Are people still banned from taking the walkway across because of terrorist fears? Why are the authorities afraid of a terrorist on foot (seriously, if he can get explosives, how much can he carry) and yet they don't care to stop and check all the traffic (Timothy McVeigh demonstrated that vehicles can hold a lot more explosives than a human).
I'd reward you with a bottle of hooch for wasting time reading creationist gibber, but I think this movie deserves a straightjacket.
Posted by: Xenithrys | August 30, 2009 12:41 AM
So you're not really in training for Australia yet?
Posted by: Sven DiMilo | August 30, 2009 12:43 AM
I thought Mega Octopus vs Giant Shark was better.
Posted by: Andyo
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August 30, 2009 12:49 AM
Hey, at least it's good for Asian guys to be seen hooking up with white-chick protagonists. You never see that. I hate that.
Posted by: gaypaganunitarianagnostic | August 30, 2009 12:49 AM
WWI tech would have turned both into suchi in short order. that's always the problem with organic monsters - they're just too vulnerable
Posted by: Andyo
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August 30, 2009 12:52 AM
Where did you get the christian thing?
I never saw any religious undertones on her songs. In one of the videos I was just watching (ah, nostalgia) she even went on a mini-rant about how people shouldn't care which religion (and race, and stuff) the other is.
If you don't have any evidence, then, sir, I demand an apology to my childhood, or else I'll have to take off this glove and challenge you to a duel.
Posted by: Gyeong Hwa Pak | August 30, 2009 1:19 AM
Wouldn't all those inorganic things that the shark and octopus eat give them indigestion? or poison even?
Posted by: Fil
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August 30, 2009 1:19 AM
Yeah PZ, two glasses of wine is kinda wimpy training for Oz. Unless they were pint glasses.
Muscle up cobber, we expect you to last long enough so that we can get a few pints down ourselves while shooting the breeze. ;-)
Posted by: Josh | August 30, 2009 1:22 AM
Yea, Debbie Gibson is definitely not a crazy christian. I have no idea where that's coming from.
Posted by: karen | August 30, 2009 1:24 AM
@ Ichthyic #73
Ah,thanks! Guess I should have looked more closely. I could not think of M.Gross's name to save my life. Your link says Lawlor was born in Ireland; wonder why his accent was so off? It seemed like at times he'd toss in a bit of the brogue, and at others, he'd go for Uhmurricanese. Perhaps he was conflicted about being in this film?
Posted by: Beadknitter | August 30, 2009 1:24 AM
I thought it was B movie heaven! LOL!
Posted by: Beadknitter | August 30, 2009 1:27 AM
"Yea, Debbie Gibson is definitely not a crazy christian. I have no idea where that's coming from."
Perhaps there is confusion between her and Debbie Boone?
Posted by: Ron Sullivan | August 30, 2009 1:29 AM
MadScientist #79: Are people still banned from taking the walkway across [the Golden Gate Bridge] because of terrorist fears?
No. Now the problem is tripping over bicycles. There's a Flickr set about a couple getting married in the middle, after walking to meet each other from separate ends. (Parse that if you can. Ginbonics?)
I must say, there's evidently a lot going on on Treasure Island that I've somehow failed to notice on many trips across the Bay Bridge. A still-active Navy base, for example, and lots and lots of big beige industrial buildings with serious outside ductwork.
We cut to the Channel 2 news at the halfway point, to see what's burning today. Maybe we'll cut back for the fight scene when the sports comes on.
Heather Holmes is scarier than a giant shark any day.
Posted by: Josh | August 30, 2009 1:35 AM
I would love for that person to have confused Debbie Gibson and Debbie Boone.
Posted by: Mena | August 30, 2009 1:35 AM
Oh, the trip to Australia, not the movie "Australia". He'd probably not need booze for the movie, it's just a series of one absurd tragedy after another and after a while it just gets downright funny because of that. The stampede scene was probably the most hilarious, and it was made worse by the film makers using CGI when they had the natural beauty of Australia right there. Well, the cows falling off the cliff were so poorly rendered that it was the comedic high point of the movie. As for training to hang with the folks in Oz, yeah, he'd better get working on that alcohol tolerance.
Posted by: rufustfirefly | August 30, 2009 1:42 AM
Sy Fy has the very best bad original movies. Bugs and snakes and sharks and lizards and asteroids, they run the whole gamut. Some of the best have super Christian Steven Baldwin.
Posted by: bastion of sass | August 30, 2009 1:48 AM
Now where did I say she was a "crazy christian"? Unless you believe that all Christians are "crazy", or perhaps that Roman Catholics are not Christians? Because AFIAK, Gibson is Catholic.
OK. Maybe pearl clutching and taking to the fainting couch was over-reacting. Perhaps fingering my rosary while kneeling at the Prayer Bench (Prie Dieu) would have been more appropriate.
My apologies to Debbie's fans, godless and otherwise.
Posted by: Josh | August 30, 2009 1:57 AM
I just find it funny that somehow it was necessary to comment on Debbie Gibson's supposed religion because of a scene from a movie, when in real life she was just recently in Playboy and is a huge supporter of gay rights.
Posted by: Katrina | August 30, 2009 1:58 AM
OK, even knowing how bad it was going to be, I just couldn't take it. The Hollywood depiction of the military is just as bad as their depiction of scientists.
We gave up and started watching Coming to America on Bravo. At least the writing is better.
Posted by: Ryan | August 30, 2009 2:01 AM
OT but contains a giant octopus:
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/u_s_government_stages_fake_coup
Posted by: Ichthyic | August 30, 2009 2:13 AM
Your link says Lawlor was born in Ireland; wonder why his accent was so off?
we wondered the same thing.
It seems possible that he's lost a lot of his accent over the years, and the director asked him to fake a stronger one!
as to being "conflicted" about being in the film?
nah.
look at his filmography on IMDB.
I rather think there is a cadre of hollywood b actors (like Lorenzo) that simply get a gas out of making films like this.
If Jackson can do "Snakes on a Plane"...
Posted by: Shenda | August 30, 2009 2:19 AM
West coast posting with too much (or not enough) beer…………….
If there was a single Naval Officer involved in this movie, he/she should be banished to Kansas….
The Iowa class battleship fired her forward 16” guns straight ahead at a target approaching from her starboard side.
The muzzle flashes looked like little sparks instead of a small volcano.
She was firing at a submerged target at a range of less than 1,000 yards, which a) would be within her minimum range due to limits on depression angles (the guns could not depress enough to hit the target), and b) naval surface fire is notorious inefficient at hitting submerged objects (this is sarcasm, naval guns cannot hit submerged objects except in very rare circumstances)
The shark rammed and sank a 45,000 tonne, heavily armored battleship with no apparent damage to itself. Last time I looked, steel was still a lot stronger/harder than cartilage.
The movie showed a stationary, modern, decrepit, frigate shooting a small caliber (~76mm) at a submerged target (again!) with the rounds appearing to explode all around the underwater target with no effect. It then showed the shark eating what was apparently a WWII era Fletcher class destroyer.
Every time they shoot at a target, the target then disappears from sonar and then suddenly reappears at its original position just in time to sink the ship.
Apparently the US Navy forgot that it can deploy airborne torpedoes form ranges greater than 100 feet.
Enough.
Movie: OFF
Time to go to bed.
...Ok, I watched the rest of it. I admit I have a problem :(
Posted by: Ichthyic | August 30, 2009 2:25 AM
...Ok, I watched the rest of it. I admit I have a problem :(
welcome to your B-movie sci-fi addiction.
see you in hell.
evil laughter ensues...
Posted by: John Morales | August 30, 2009 2:26 AM
Posted by: Anders from Sweden | August 30, 2009 3:23 AM
Hi PZ!
Why are a great scientist using a saturday night for such crap? Ever heard of mental hygene? Even the creationists think of your mental health. Expelling you from "Expelled" was for your own good, but they wanted to torture RD for a couple of hours.
I use to choose what to pollute my brain with. This seems to have been in the Exxon Waldez magnitude! Maybe that was the work of the cephalopod? I it eats oil rigs for breakfast the "ink" must be oil.
I admire your ability to survive on only two glases of wine. I would need something stronger from the chemistry department.
Good recovery!
AV
Posted by: Andyo
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August 30, 2009 3:33 AM
OK, accepted. You should consider yourself lucky, you almost went to blows with a Debbie Gibson fan. You DON'T wanna mess with us!grrrrr.
Posted by: Andyo
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August 30, 2009 3:40 AM
OK, you old materialistic sarcastic cynics. This will get the bad flavor out of your mouths.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBULAkLKfzg
Sweetness overload!
Posted by: Bride of Shrek OM | August 30, 2009 5:02 AM
If, and this is a big "if", you have 7 1/2 minutes of your life with nothing better to do then this clip is vaguely
amusing (I think). I'll be the first to admit I had to Google both R.Lee Ermey and Bill Mays.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LpjxWF7C6E&feature=fvw
Posted by: 'Tis Himself, Quel Dommage
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August 30, 2009 6:22 AM
Shenda #100
There wasn't even a single enlisted person involved in the movie.
I was discharged from the Navy as an MM1(SS) almost 40 years ago and I saw stuff on the submarines that I knew was completely bogus.
A submarine helmsman doesn't wear a microphone headset because the two people giving him orders (the Officer of the Deck [OOD] and Diving Officer of the Watch) are standing watch right behind him.
Underway nobody in submarines carries sidearms.
The sonar watchstanders (there are usually four, not one) are in a separate room and communicate with the OOD via an intercom system.
Radios don't work underwater.
Periscopes aren't used to look at underwater objects. Seawater is opaque at ranges over a meter or two.
Posted by: RHM | August 30, 2009 6:26 AM
Reading this was a great way to start the morning; laughed myself silly. Thanks PZ and all!
ps. Lorenzo has been doing summer theater here in Maine. Wonder if he considers it a step-up or a step-down from this *cough* film?
Posted by: ngong | August 30, 2009 7:02 AM
Funny stuff. This is why Mooney, Nisbet, Ham, Donahue etc. are soooo wrong about PZ.
Posted by: Polyester Mather DD | August 30, 2009 8:21 AM
Creation Museum guards do not allow children over 12 years of age to climb aboard the Megashark in the Ark Pool , and insist that girls ride the giant octopus sidesaddle.
Posted by: JefFlyingV | August 30, 2009 8:28 AM
Believe it or not there is a sequel for this film being planned. Shades of a franchise being developed similar to "Friday the 13th"?
Posted by: Alan Kellogg | August 30, 2009 9:19 AM
#111
Friday the 13th had a much better start than Megashark vs. Giant Octopus.
Posted by: Cary
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August 30, 2009 9:52 AM
'The Asylum Presents'
What perfect opening text for this movie.
Posted by: Ephemeriis | August 30, 2009 10:03 AM
This movie was hilariously bad. Terrifically fun.
Posted by: spondee | August 30, 2009 10:26 AM
#97 "Coming to America on Bravo."
This is why I will never, ever pay for television. Ever.
(Yes, Coming to America is funny, but it was funny 25 years ago when it came out. Bravo indeed.)
Posted by: Quidam | August 30, 2009 10:35 AM
Mega Shark & Mega Octopus battle it out in a Giant Turkey
Posted by: Dren | August 30, 2009 11:16 AM
YESSS! I saw the flick a little while ago and I was impressed by Lorenzo Lamas as a jerky, racist guy. I remember him from Renegade. I was too small to remember Debbie Gibson. Still, the shark taking down a commercial airliner was EPIC. :D
Posted by: frozen_midwest | August 30, 2009 11:52 AM
John Morales @ 102
That's more like it! Personally, I use 12-oz juice glasses when drinking wine; downside to that is I can barely get three glasses per bottle.
Posted by: Aldora | August 30, 2009 11:57 AM
I'm surprised nobody mentioned the part where they claimed the shark was moving at "500 knots" or "as fast as a jet!" As fast as a freakin' jet (in the water, no less), but it still took ten minutes to catch anything right in front of it?
Or how whenever Deborah Gibson and her love interest kissed, her old Irish mentor would appear a second later. O_o
Or the two moments where someone actually yells "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
Posted by: Eidolon | August 30, 2009 12:20 PM
Thanks a fucking lot, PZ. Now I have to watch this POS.
09/06 at 9:00 p.m. Eastern on Sy Fy for those of you who just can't get enough of classic cinema.
Perhaps one of those Box O' Wine thingies can be adapted to a Camelbak...
Posted by: FastLane | August 30, 2009 12:20 PM
I like how the fighter they were using went through several iterations...[the first few shots were an F-15, a couple of the interspersed shots were an F-18, and the last shot was an F-22.]
I'm glad I DVRd it and watched it this morning, based on how long it took to fast forward past some of the commercial breaks.
I think my cholesterol went up a few points from all that cheese.
Posted by: Jim Lippard | August 30, 2009 12:40 PM
The Wikipedia page for this movie quotes from an interview with Deborah Gibson suggesting a possible sequel--Giant Seahorse vs. Mega Lobster.
Posted by: SaintStephen
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August 30, 2009 12:54 PM
And not a single mention of the incredible waste of good sushi. Where are our heads at, people?
Posted by: Sara | August 30, 2009 12:57 PM
BY THE TIME THE SHARK ATE THE BATTLESHIP, I WAS COMPLETELY SOLD!
Yay.
Posted by: Ron Sullivan | August 30, 2009 1:02 PM
Was I hallucinating or did they end with some reference to "volcanic life" in the North Sea?
Holy moley that was awful.
How awful?
A fire truck and a fire engine arrived, Code-3, in the middle of it. I went out on the frond porch and a fireguy came up the stairs and mentioned our house number, asked if the fire alarm was going off.
We don't have a fire alarm.
I expect a visit from the Taste Police any minute now.
Posted by: Corin | August 30, 2009 1:17 PM
As a lover of genuinely *bad* schlock movies (I personally think Ed Wood was a genius of the genre) I was very annoyed to have missed this monstrosity. PZ's play-by-play almost makes up for having to wait until 9/6 to see the re-run :)
Posted by: MartyM | August 30, 2009 1:52 PM
I caught a small piece of the show. Loved the part where they explained their hate filled relationship the shark and octopus has and how they were going to let that social construct take it's course between the two. I was unaware that sharks harbor hatred for octopuses. Or is it octopi? LOL.
Posted by: Strider | August 30, 2009 1:52 PM
I know these movies aren't supposed to be accurate at all but I thought the Japanese had no military after WWII. So how does Kenshu get a ride on what is clearly a Japanese military submarine?
Posted by: Renata | August 30, 2009 2:17 PM
Whew! Glad I didn't play the "when something stupid happens, drink" game. I'd have gotten totally blasted.
And this film had more relationship to bad B movie director Al Adamson than to Ed Wood. Al was the king of the "reuse stock footage til it hurts" school. Please see his HORROR OF THE BLOOD MONSTERS for reference.
Posted by: benzonar | August 30, 2009 2:17 PM
So when the Octopus attacked the submarine did anyone notice if it swallowed or spat the seamen out?
..............I'll grab my coat..
Posted by: Hank Roberts
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August 30, 2009 3:05 PM
This thread was worth it, for this:
Lunchbox "Octopus" Bottle Pet
Thank you.
I'm going to see if I can modify one to go over my office coffee cup.
Posted by: Dianne | August 30, 2009 3:23 PM
I know these movies aren't supposed to be accurate at all but I thought the Japanese had no military after WWII. So how does Kenshu get a ride on what is clearly a Japanese military submarine?
IIRC, Japan has a largish "self-defense force". I have the vague idea that the "self-defense force" may have been involved in the Korean war but may be misremembering and/or making that bit up entirely. The bottom line is that Japan may well have military submarines.
Posted by: Polyester Mather DD | August 30, 2009 4:20 PM
Eating nuclear submarines is clearly a Lamarckian adoption to environmental change.
Cometary collisions and megashark movie outbreaks have lately displayed a 15 year periodicity, giving Charcarias megalodon til 2029 to evolve into Gigacarcarias Maximidon , and avoid extinction by jumping clear out of the atmosphere to devour incoming asteroids.
By then Ben Stein may be starring in Mobypuss versus Gigashark_, a SciFox Channel advertorial feature praising Enzyte as a homeopathic octopus repellent, and its prequel, _Devilfish II : The Creepier Sepia_, in which mad Paraguyan scientists reanimate Ben's head to rouse the zombie cephalopods of Lake Titicaca into attacking the Bolivian Navy.
Posted by: Alan Kellogg | August 30, 2009 4:38 PM
Dianne, #132
The Japanese military was reestablished during the Cold War as a counter to first the Soviets, and later the Chinese Communists. Former Imperial Navy personnel did play an as yet unacknowledged role in the Korean war, manning transports and merchant ships carrying supplies and troops between Japan and Korea. In effect serving as mercenaries under U.S. command.
Posted by: Suzanne | August 30, 2009 4:59 PM
I caught most of the excruciating highlights but I'll never be able to watch this one again, nor any monstrosity it might spawn. Ice Spiders for me. That's enjoyable Syfy crap.
Posted by: Michael I | August 30, 2009 5:13 PM
two battleships
Minor note.
Based on the identifying caption, the first warship sunk was supposed to be a destroyer.
(Don't know whether the movie identified what the second warship sunk was supposed to be, but my guess is that it was also supposed to be a destroyer.)
And obviously Giant Octopus and Megashark are avatars of Cthulhu and Hastur, respectively. This accounts for both their mutual hatred and their durability. :-)
Posted by: Last Hussar | August 30, 2009 5:33 PM
Why all the moaning? It's not scientific? ITS A FREAKING MONSTER MOVIE- of course the biology is wrong. Would you moan about Godzilla? All monster movies are 'WTF?' I would also point out that 'real science' on screen is incredibly boring- what we appear to have is audience freindly shorthand science. It's why Movie computer screens are different to real ones, and why many computers appear to have voice synth- reading the real stuff is difficult in a cinema. Come on guys, read TVTropes.
Mind you, I'm not denying this movie sounds completely ridiculous!
Also this is why you should never watch a war movie with a history buff. The derision poured on 'Battle of the Bulge' by wargamers makes this look like a glowing review! (I would also like to point out that 'U571' should be 'U112' and the personnel British not US).
Ikea do really good (ie big) wine glasses. Get down their Frozen Midwest- large as a juice glass, but none of the stigma of having such an obviously large glass (as in 'why else would he have a juice glass')- just checked, and if you are prepared to go to the 'obvious piss head' line then you can get approx half a pint in it.
Posted by: octopod | August 30, 2009 6:00 PM
#82: That struck me too. Sensitive Japanese scientist boyfriend as principal love interest, FTW! Too bad about the...er...rest of the movie.
Posted by: Hypatia's Daughter | August 30, 2009 7:25 PM
OT but a vital product atheists:
BBQ Grill for PZ's minions
Posted by: Horse-Pheathers | August 30, 2009 7:44 PM
Investigated some clips on YouTube of this truly monumental turd of a movie, and am surprised no one made this observation about the plane-guy seeing the shark lunging up at the 747 through the window.....despite not being in a window seat. _He was sitting in the middle of the damned plane_. Two seats, aisle, three or four seats, aisle, two seats, and he was smack dab in the middle seat of the lot.
(The shot following the stewardess up the aisle clearly showed an empty seat to plane-guy's right, which puts him in coach -- the only places you'll encounter a single aisle on the 747 is in First Class, where the seating it 2-aisle-2 -- which puts him square in the center of the center rank of seats.)
Never mind the shark snagging the plane -- it's a monster movie and you have to make allowances for improbable monsters doing improbable things. But please, please if you're going to make such a movie at least try to get the mundanities right?
Posted by: frozen_midwest | August 30, 2009 9:22 PM
Last Hussar - thanks for the tip. I checked the Ikea glasses and they might do. (But I still have a soft spot for the Snidely Whiplash and Boris Badenov/Natasha Fatale juice glasses that I've been carting around for the last 30-odd years).
Posted by: Kseniya | August 31, 2009 12:51 AM
GEEZ.... while you-all were watching Debbie Watzername make perfume, I was out at the cinema, wasting my time on another movie with an oceanic theme: Ponyo.
(I liked it; time was not wasted.)
Posted by: Mac from Oregon | August 31, 2009 2:01 AM
I watched this in an off and on style, switching channels every five minutes. Saw the worst of it, missed the Golden Gate being eaten, but the rest was awful and I like awful.
Cant for the life of me figure what they spent their budget on for this crap. Not Actors, awful. Not CGI, awful. Not writing, awful. Not Sets, awful. Not Music, really awful.
They did only one thing right, they revived the genre of the Monster vs. Monster destructo-fest. Such great flicks from the past like Mothra vs Godzilla, and Gamera vs anyone. I hope SyFy produces more of these but put a bit more thought into the CGI and script. As for Sets, it's called Paint and it comes in a can. For the Music in the next one, just get the actors to play Kazoo's. It would be an improvement.
If I was forced to judge, and I mean by waterboarding, I would say the Octopus was the best of everybody, except for the freaked out praying helmsman on the Sub, he was awesome!
Son of Giant Octopus vs Gamera the snapping turtle. Could be great!
Posted by: Andyo
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August 31, 2009 6:00 AM
That is because, as a rich person, you can afford to go to the theater. I can't wait for Ponyo to come out on bluray.
Posted by: Irene Delse | August 31, 2009 7:25 AM
If there ever was a movie best seen in YouTube snippets, this is it! Oh, my poor brain!
Posted by: Dweller in Darkness | August 31, 2009 10:39 AM
Just to note - Asylum Pictures is an independent movie company, mostly known for producing "spoiler movies" - they released "I Am Omega," starring the Chairman from the American Iron Chef, a month before "I Am Legend," "Transmorphers" instead of "Transformers" and so on.
SciFi - sorry, Syfy - does have its own movie company and lately they've been producing movies of . . . marginal quality. Better than this turd, at least.
Posted by: Die Anyway | August 31, 2009 12:53 PM
Eidolon @ 120: "Perhaps one of those Box O' Wine thingies can be adapted to a Camelbak..."
Oh yeah, now we're talkin'. I'm working on it as we speak.
It sounds as if the special effects were done by the Mythbuster guys: "hey our experiment didn't work so let's blow up everything with 20 sticks of dynamite just for fun." or "now that we've proven that a radio controlled toy car cannot pull the 2000 ton locomotive let's run the locomotive into a bulldozer..."
Posted by: Qwerty | August 31, 2009 1:40 PM
I once saw Debbie Gibson in a touring production of "Funny Girl" portraying Fanny Brice. (Yes, the same role that launched Barbra Streisand's career.)
You've gotta" give it to her for sheer bravado. The house (State Theater, Minneapolis) wasn't even half full, but she gave it all she had and we gave her a standing ovation for it.
Thanks for the running commentary, PZ, now I can cross this movie off my list of I-wasn't-going-to-watch-it-anyway movies.
Posted by: Shadow
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August 31, 2009 7:18 PM
I saw the first few of this 'thing.' Fortunately, I had the excuse of leaving to get Shadow-ling from work.
By the time we got home I'd 'missed' enough I went to hulu.com and streamed epi's of Dead Like Me.
Posted by: 'Tis Himself, Quel Dommage
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August 31, 2009 7:35 PM
They put out Tin Man which I thought was pretty good.
Posted by: darvolution proponentsist | September 1, 2009 8:23 PM
Hypatia's Daughter said ..
In return for my intro to Shunga, and in the spirit of your post here, I invite you to enjoy Baby Food.
This is a response to a user on YouTube called NephilimFree. He's a fine example of natural selection failing to properly act upon the gene pool.
Posted by: Jason | September 2, 2009 11:59 AM
I have this movie on my netflix list, can't wait to see it, sure it will be hilarious. Write a post on best shark movies and let us all vote on it. Here's a list.
http://www.kinglistof.com/list-of-shark-movies.html