…and this is a 
When I picked up my mail this afternoon, I was surprised to find several large boxes waiting for me. I was surprised when I opened them, both by the nature of their contents and by the fact that there was no note to say who sent them. Whoever it was, thank you! I don't think anyone has ever given me a gift quite as unexpected. I now own…
…a set of disposable vaginal specula and a very nice LED illuminator!
Man, when you've got a speculum, everything starts to look like a vagina. I cocked an inquisitive eye at the Trophy Wife™, but she backed away quickly and is hiding from me now.
I am going to be teaching human physiology next year…nah, I don't think class demos would be a good idea. Not if I want to keep my job.
I know! When I tell spooky stories this Halloween, I'm going to be especially scary.
I'm still going to have to find a volunteer vagina sometime, though.
Comments
Posted by: Sven DiMilo
|
October 23, 2009 9:04 PM
uh...
yeah. um...
yeeeeeeeeeeeee!
*returns to the Thread Everlasting^
Posted by: Sven DiMilo
|
October 23, 2009 9:06 PM
wait: "several,"
"large" boxes?
Posted by: Dutchgirl | October 23, 2009 9:07 PM
That would make an excellent winter-feast tree topper! Much better than those tacky angels.
Posted by: kopd
|
October 23, 2009 9:07 PM
I'm still going to have to find a volunteer vagina sometime, though.
I think that may have been my catchphrase in college.
Somebody had to say it, and I have no shame. So there.
Posted by: BGT | October 23, 2009 9:08 PM
Run for the hills!!!!
Posted by: MAJeff, OM
|
October 23, 2009 9:08 PM
I'm still going to have to find a volunteer vagina sometime, though.
Loving my y-chromosome even more than usual right now.
Posted by: PZ Myers
|
October 23, 2009 9:09 PM
Yeah. The illuminator is small and tidy, but it uses disposable specula, so I've got a whole bunch of those.
Uh, I guess I need to find two dozen volunteer vaginas.
Posted by: Jadehawk, OM | October 23, 2009 9:10 PM
O.o
alrighty then. from now on, I'm going to start missing PZ's speeches on purpose.
Posted by: Desert Son
|
October 23, 2009 9:11 PM
"Later that night when they got home, he got out of the car and walked around to open the door for his girlfriend and there was A SPECULUM HANGING FROM THE CAR DOOR HANDLE!!!11!1!"
No kings,
Robert
Posted by: Ben Mueller-Heaslip
|
October 23, 2009 9:11 PM
I just hope that thing was still in its original plastic wrap when you opened it up PZ!
Posted by: kevin gallagher | October 23, 2009 9:13 PM
That's really erm, strange.
Posted by: Carlie | October 23, 2009 9:14 PM
So now, whenever you need to tell anyone to get their head out of their ass, you can also provide a helpful accessory.
(If you're really looking for what to do with them, most colleges do productions of the Vagina Monologues each February, one monologue requires a speculum as a stage prop, and they are not the easiest things in the world to get.)
Posted by: BigHeathenMike | October 23, 2009 9:15 PM
Volunteer Vagina was the name of my first band. No, not really, but wouldn't that be cool? Ok, maybe not, but if you're looking for an actual "volunteer vagina", might I recommend Kirk Cameron? He's volunteering his services and he's certainly the largest vagina I've ever seen. I mean, "crocoduck"? Seriously? Huge vagina.
I'm going to say "vagina" another seventeen times within the next ten minutes.
Vagina.
Posted by: 'Tis Himself, OM
|
October 23, 2009 9:15 PM
I can't imagine why.
Posted by: OurDeadSelves | October 23, 2009 9:16 PM
Man, that pic freaked me out so much that I peed a little.
Just a little. I, erm, didn't stain the couch or anything. Really.
Posted by: Carlie | October 23, 2009 9:19 PM
but if you're looking for an actual "volunteer vagina", might I recommend Kirk Cameron? He's volunteering his services and he's certainly the largest vagina I've ever seen.
I have a vagina, I know vaginas, vaginas are friends of mine. BigHeathenMike, Kirk Cameron is no vagina.
Posted by: Carlie | October 23, 2009 9:21 PM
You know, with that lighting, it kind of looks like a crocoduck skull.
Posted by: Marley Fitz | October 23, 2009 9:27 PM
That picture........VERY Stephen Kingish.
Posted by: John the atheist | October 23, 2009 9:28 PM
One of the many fine perks of being famous I assume? The thought of fame has always repelled me until now.
Posted by: Sven DiMilo
|
October 23, 2009 9:29 PM
"Disposable," you say?
Maybe a nearby clinic could use 'em?
When you're, y'know, through.
Posted by: TrekkinBob | October 23, 2009 9:29 PM
Looks especially intriguing with the Hollywood effect of "hell" lighting...
Posted by: Motley | October 23, 2009 9:35 PM
PZ, I'm very high but I gotta say I love you for this.
BEST.
ENTRY.
EVER.
And Pharyngula has reached its peak. It's all down hill from here, troops!
Posted by: Benjamin Geiger | October 23, 2009 9:35 PM
I need to find a
New vagina
Any kinda
New vagina
It's hard to rhyme a
Word like vagina
Calvin Klein, kinda
North Carolina
(Know what I really want in a girl? Me.)
Posted by: Benjamin Geiger | October 23, 2009 9:38 PM
Va-gi-na-aa!
Va-gi-na-aa!
Va-gi-na-aa!
Va-gi-na-aa!
Va-gi-ii-na!
Va-gi-ii-na!
Va-gi-ii-na!
Va-gi-ii-na!
Posted by: MAJeff, OM
|
October 23, 2009 9:39 PM
OK, this is apparently heading into vagina country...no place for me.........
Posted by: 'Tis Himself, OM
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October 23, 2009 9:45 PM
I have to wonder why someone would send PZ a bunch of specula.
Posted by: Traffic Demon | October 23, 2009 9:45 PM
Loving the BHG ref! Thanks Benjamin
Posted by: kantalope
|
October 23, 2009 9:46 PM
imagined scenario one:
I really want to get PZ something for the earth's birthday...hmmm....recycling would be appropriate...I know!!!
scenario two:
Boss: ok, got an order here for some biology guy...box of specimen jars...
Stockperson: specimen jars....S.....SA...SO....SP....SP..E..C got it. One box? Let's ship it.
Posted by: mythusmage
|
October 23, 2009 9:47 PM
The trophy wife may have the right idea. Applied with the right motivation a speculum could lead to the sort of activity that leads to looks at her gynecologist's office, and serious mood swings about the time pharyngulation occurs in the embryo. An infant at your age is a dang serious undertaking.
Posted by: WowbaggerOM
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October 23, 2009 9:48 PM
Yeah, me either - but my persona non grata status in that particular region is, sadly, more because of a lack of opportunity than preference...
Posted by: RickK | October 23, 2009 9:49 PM
"Man, when you've got a speculum, everything starts to look like a vagina."
That plus the picture - I laughed until I cried.
Posted by: Carlie | October 23, 2009 9:51 PM
I have to wonder why someone would send PZ a bunch of specula.
Obviously, the topic is rife with speculation.
Posted by: gorobei | October 23, 2009 9:56 PM
Offtopic, but my 7yro kid went on a birdwatching school trip in Central Park yesterday. Pale Male swooped in and killed and then ate one of the subjects of observation. She said it was the coolest thing ever!
Posted by: NixManes
|
October 23, 2009 9:58 PM
Me, too! That could be a T-shirt or bumper sticker, for sure.
Posted by: Pacal | October 23, 2009 10:00 PM
Well you could use them for opening other orifices than vagina's or demonstrate how to use them on yourself.
(Horrible image flashes through mind and I die a little and become blethering idiot in corner)
Posted by: Zeno
|
October 23, 2009 10:02 PM
Well, duh. That's what specula are for! (Right?)
Posted by: Zarquon | October 23, 2009 10:07 PM
Obviously those specula were sent back in time by the creationists to distract you from finishing your book. In other words, Searching for vaginas: It's a TRAP!
Posted by: Creature of the Universe
|
October 23, 2009 10:07 PM
every man should understand the cervix.
take notes.
Posted by: ema | October 23, 2009 10:09 PM
It wasn't me but I have to say I'm totally kicking myself now for not thinking of this first. Best.Gift.Ever., the must-have for every respectable Dear Leader--his own gyn paraphernalia!
Posted by: Cuttlefish, OM
|
October 23, 2009 10:09 PM
Identity will have to wait
But someone, soon, may set us straight;
If there were facts, then we'd debate--
With none, we're forced to...
...
...
... speculate.
Posted by: Sastra
|
October 23, 2009 10:10 PM
I'm also speculating on why someone would send you specula -- and a light.
Could this be some bizarre payback for crackergate? You desecrated a sacred host, and so now they send you something that can desecrate what you consider sacred --- no, scrap that. I can't find an analogy here.
Posted by: donna | October 23, 2009 10:13 PM
It doesn't look like it would FIT a cephalopod, tho....
Posted by: Sili
|
October 23, 2009 10:14 PM
Careful what you wish for as they say.
Bah.
You just know that someone is gonna volunteer. PeeZed has reached (raught?) that level of fame.
Actually, I'd suggest you get yourself a very long pen, cuz those volunteers are gonna ask you to graphito the wall. Signing boobs are sooooo last millennium.
Yeah, I think this beats the big pink molar.
Speaking of Squishables. Everybody go vote! They're considering making a platypus! Platypodes: DO WANT!
(Three tries to log in for a change.)
Posted by: 'Tis Himself, OM
|
October 23, 2009 10:15 PM
I never thought I'd see the day when Sastra was rendered speechless.
Posted by: beth | October 23, 2009 10:15 PM
Obviously, they were sent because of this post:
http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2009/09/now_i_want_to_get_a_speculum.php
:) Remember?
(it wasn't me)
Posted by: Sili
|
October 23, 2009 10:17 PM
Why do so many people seem to miss the context?
http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2009/09/now_i_want_to_get_a_speculum.php
Posted by: Glenn | October 23, 2009 10:20 PM
I am so very, very envious :(
Of course, I would have the same problem as you, not having a subject to use it on, but still...
Posted by: Sven DiMilo
|
October 23, 2009 10:21 PM
Thanks, Sili! It's not clear (to me) that PZ got the context either!
Posted by: bintopo | October 23, 2009 10:22 PM
Too bad they weren't of the two bladed duckbill variety that you would normally use on a Crockoduck!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Speculum_en_m%C3%A9tal.jpg
Posted by: Cycle Ninja
|
October 23, 2009 10:24 PM
Sastra:
I'm thinking someone has their Dr. Myers--biologist confused with Dr. Myers--gynecologist.
MAJeff, now you know how Barney Frank felt reading the Ken Starr report on the Lewinsky scandal.
Posted by: scooter | October 23, 2009 10:24 PM
I have one of those anal probes, the medical, not the Alien kind. It is just like one of those look in your ear lights except the attachment is about an inch around and a foot long.
It's weird what medical people leave behind when they move out.
I have never found a useful function for it, and have no interest in what is up anyone's ass, so I guess I'll mail it to PZ.
Posted by: Sven DiMilo
|
October 23, 2009 10:26 PM
...and thanks beth, too!
Posted by: Diego | October 23, 2009 10:27 PM
Cuttlefish, have you got a fan club yet? If not, then this surfeit should be rectified. Or perhaps, 'corrected' is a better term.
Posted by: MAJeff, OM
|
October 23, 2009 10:27 PM
MAJeff, now you know how Barney Frank felt reading the Ken Starr report on the Lewinsky scandal.
Welcome to the experience of every queer in heteronormative societies.
Posted by: Romeo Vitelli | October 23, 2009 10:29 PM
"I was surprised when I opened them, both by the nature of their contents and by the fact that there was no note to say who sent them."
Um, are you usually in the habit of opening strange packages from unknown senders? Ted Kaczynski may be in jail but there are plenty of other crazies out there.
Posted by: MadScientist
|
October 23, 2009 10:30 PM
Since 'speculum' is Latin for mirror - where are the mirrors? Did the package include some cigars so you can blow some smoke with those mirrors?
Posted by: Bride of Shrek OM
|
October 23, 2009 10:35 PM
You could keep it in your beside drawer in case you ever need to investigate a noise in the night and your torch is low on batteries. The burglars would die laughing and you could enter what possiby would be the coolest self defence plea ever.
Posted by: aratina cage
|
October 23, 2009 10:36 PM
Can't stop laughing...
Posted by: Bride of Shrek OM
|
October 23, 2009 10:38 PM
On a vagina speculum related story (what- doesn't EVERYONE have one?)I was at the GP the other day (nothing wrong- we just get together and bitch about the world every now and again)and we were discussing the (lack of) mobile phone etiquette when visiting your doctor. He swears he had a young lady jump off the table once to answer her phone with a speculum in place. *wince*
Posted by: Cosmas | October 23, 2009 10:39 PM
I second Motley
PS Geeks are so adorab le
Posted by: Cactus Wren
|
October 23, 2009 10:41 PM
Wow, PZ, you get all the cool presents. I'm still trying to find out who it was that sent me a book by Pope Ratz.
Posted by: LMR | October 23, 2009 10:45 PM
Well, PZ, now you know what you can do with the next proselytizer that comes to your door.
"Ok, I'll take a copy of your tract, but there's something you need to do for me first. Now where did I put that speculum?"
Posted by: F | October 23, 2009 10:47 PM
Can we all please stop saying THAT word!
Posted by: titmouse
|
October 23, 2009 10:47 PM
Your neighbor with a secret medical fetish is now frantic with worry over what happened to his recent on-line purchase.
Posted by: Aquaria
|
October 23, 2009 10:51 PM
I'm still going to have to find a volunteer vagina sometime, though.
Oh ha haha. Open wide and the light comes on, huh? Where have I heard that joke before?
Forget it, PZ. I like you. But not that much.
Posted by: PZ Myers
|
October 23, 2009 10:54 PM
Uh-oh. My neighbor reads the blog.
Besides, the boxes had MY name on them. I double-checked after I opened them.
Posted by: kelvin
|
October 23, 2009 10:55 PM
Haha unusual present indeed. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I don't think you should use those on a live person. What if the person who gave you the present coated those specula with poison/corrosive substance/etc. and resealed them into their own plastic bags?
Posted by: MAJeff, OM
|
October 23, 2009 10:59 PM
Uh-oh. My neighbor reads the blog.
So we're all what passes for famous in Morriss?
(I've actually been there (albeit around 14 years ago), which probably puts me ahead of about 99.994% of commenters)
Posted by: aratina cage
|
October 23, 2009 10:59 PM
I think you should swap your blog picture with that one for Halloween. Thanks for the late-night laughs.
Posted by: miserymire
|
October 23, 2009 11:02 PM
I never knew there was a medical device called a speculum, used for probing... there. As another committed vagina decliner (icky icky icky things!) I am feeling decidedly queasy right now.
I'm also a medieval historian. To me Speculum is a quarterly journal published by the Medieval Academy of America. I'll never be able to read it in quite the same way again. Even worse, a large part of my DPhil thesis involved an early thirteenth-century theological work called the Speculum Speculationum. I think I need a good lie down, and possibly a change of career...
Posted by: cicely
|
October 23, 2009 11:03 PM
Come on, you guys, get a grip. On something.
The important question is, are they self-heating.
Bride of Shrek OM:
*double wince*
And applause for the Cuttlepoet.
Posted by: Ragutis
|
October 23, 2009 11:05 PM
The holidays are coming. Those would look great on your tree! Imagine sipping cocoa by the glow of 2 dozen festively lit specula on a cold winter's eve.
Posted by: llewelly | October 23, 2009 11:08 PM
and from that day forth, we knew pharyngula had begun to go down ...
Posted by: RickR
|
October 23, 2009 11:13 PM
That is soooooo David Cronenberg.
Posted by: Jams.n.Tones
|
October 23, 2009 11:21 PM
I have never found a useful function for it, and have no interest in what is up anyone's ass, so I guess I'll mail it to PZ.
Is PZ going to start receiving boxes of various awkward medical equipment now? He'll be able to set up his own practice!
Posted by: NoUnicorns
|
October 23, 2009 11:26 PM
A friend of mine once suggested that we should set up an on-line system to rate gynecologists (this was before we'd heard about RateMDs.com, possibly before it even existed). The best ones would get a rating of two specula up!
Posted by: Sili
|
October 23, 2009 11:28 PM
"down"?!!!
Posted by: Chris | October 23, 2009 11:42 PM
So pretty much I laughed my ass off at this entry. It has to be one of the funniest PZ entries ever.
Posted by: BGT | October 23, 2009 11:46 PM
@llewelly @73: I wasn't aware that Pharyngula had a particular temporo-spatial orientation....
Posted by: Bert | October 23, 2009 11:49 PM
I know the "coffee on the monitor" thing is an overused cliché but "Man, when you've got a speculum, everything starts to look like a vagina." Very nearly turned my beer into a broken computer.
Posted by: ArrantPrac | October 23, 2009 11:56 PM
So... am I the only one who was immediately reminded of this picture?
Posted by: ArrantPrac | October 23, 2009 11:58 PM
http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/39634000/jpg/_39634787_mouth300.jpg
Bah, I fail at linking.
Posted by: Numad
|
October 23, 2009 11:59 PM
"I have a vagina, I know vaginas, vaginas are friends of mine. BigHeathenMike, Kirk Cameron is no vagina."
Does Carlie already have a Molly?
Posted by: Janine, Vile Bitch, OM | October 24, 2009 12:08 AM
I am away from this blog all day and I came back to this.
'shudders'
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Will Mary be hiding this when PZ is asleep? I know I would.
Posted by: hje | October 24, 2009 12:15 AM
There's more intra-vaginal images than you will ever want to see at the "Beautiful Cervix Project" site (featured a few weeks ago on BoingBoing). Curiosity killed that cat--dead!
Posted by: John Scanlon, FCD | October 24, 2009 12:19 AM
donna #42,
Don't see why not, cephalopods come in all sizes. Need to check what's going on in that mantle cavity? Just the thing!
Posted by: Desert Son
|
October 24, 2009 12:23 AM
Indeed she does!
No kings,
Robert
Posted by: Peter McKellar
|
October 24, 2009 12:32 AM
Scooter @51
About 20 years ago I was booked into a proctologist's to see what was wrong with me.
We were sitting on opposite sides of his desk, me telling him symptoms and him nodding professionally. Once I had finished he said, "Well, I guess I'd better take a look". He reached into his top draw, his eyes took on an evil glint and a wry smile split his face from side to side. He whipped out
It was shiny and close to 2 inches in diameter. As he saw the blood drain from my face he said "In the industry we call this The Silver Stallion"
Nor did it help that he was the spittin' image of Harry Reems, complete with handlebar moustaches
Posted by: JackC
|
October 24, 2009 12:32 AM
ArrantPrac, I very sincerely hope you were.
JC
Posted by: Richard Smith
|
October 24, 2009 12:39 AM
Just out of curiousity, on the subject of packages in the mail, anything arrive from FilmBaby?
Posted by: Bride of Shrek OM
|
October 24, 2009 12:41 AM
At Mr Shrek's last colonoscopy he tells me his Doc ( who is is a great guy but a self-diagnosed comedian) inserted the probe and then said " you know in some countries this makes us now betrothed". Mr S then got scolded for laughing and jiggling the machinery with his nether regions.
Posted by: Attila | October 24, 2009 12:42 AM
The only thing I can say is http://www.kinkymedical.com
Posted by: maxamillion
|
October 24, 2009 12:42 AM
Looks like a combination bookmark and reading lamp to me.
But then people say I am very MacGyverish.
Certainly a conversation stopper if you use it on a plane.
Posted by: Desert Son
|
October 24, 2009 12:44 AM
Well, seeing as we've moved on to colonoscopies:
Moon River.
No kings,
Robert
Posted by: Richard Smith
|
October 24, 2009 12:48 AM
There's actually a movie coming out, based on a group of proctologists who do nothing all day but marvel at a picture of a guy who may well have had one too many probes.
It's called The Men Who Stare at Goatse.
Posted by: Rorschach | October 24, 2009 12:49 AM
What ???
Posted by: Dana Hunter | October 24, 2009 12:52 AM
This is not the volunteer vagina you are looking for. Please move along.
Seriously. Eww.
Mary, if you need a place to hide out until he's done playing with the torture implements, lemme know.
Posted by: Bride of Shrek OM
|
October 24, 2009 12:52 AM
Just to piss off my holier-than-though, pious , pain in the arse, pursed-lip secretary ( needless to say I work in an organisation where my secretary gets assigned to me and I have no bloody say in it) I'm going to use that photo of PZ as my new wallpaper.
Posted by: Attila | October 24, 2009 12:55 AM
Come to think of it, it could be worse. They could have sent the stainless steel speculums. And I am sure PZ owns a freezer. Oh dear, I think the trophy wife is never coming out of hiding.
Posted by: Rorschach | October 24, 2009 1:05 AM
I have to say I have known ladies who found the thought of a thorough spec exam rather, shall we say, mouth-watering.
The ones I get to look at professionally tend to turn you off that particular fetish however.
;)
Posted by: Sphere...Coupler | October 24, 2009 1:05 AM
Just curious but with the holidays coming up you're not thinking of regifting are you?
It might be a bad idea but then the ole' grab bag at work under ten dollars thing, nah.
Posted by: https://me.yahoo.com/idiotiddidit#5116d
|
October 24, 2009 1:07 AM
Time to open up shop, Dr. Myers. I even have a slogan for you:
Cervix with a smile
Posted by: titmouse
|
October 24, 2009 1:08 AM
PZ,
Off topic, but kinda like a vagina. Only scarier:
YOUR STATE MEDICAL SCHOOL HAS BEEN INTEGRATED!!!
Check out the nausea-inducing link "How Do Healthcare Providers Use Intuition?"
Medical students cannot think such thoughts without suffering severe brain damage.
Posted by: BGT | October 24, 2009 1:09 AM
but, at least the plastic speculums don't retain a chill for as long...
Posted by: Richard Smith
|
October 24, 2009 1:13 AM
A suggestion for the hypothetical shop: a plate of thin, spiced cookies, pressed into various shapes, in the waiting room. Speculaas.
Posted by: Calladus | October 24, 2009 1:22 AM
Dammit! I specifically ordered SPATULAS!
I guess that's what I get for ordering from the Minneapolis, Minnesota Amazon Bookstore Cooperative, instead of from Amazon.com
Posted by: Sphere Coupler | October 24, 2009 1:25 AM
So there I was about to sit at the lunch counter to eat my brown bag lunch and this guy sits next to me and pulls out a roast beef sandwich and a half eaten bag of chips, really no problem, except he had this device holding the bag of chips closed...
Posted by: Newfie
|
October 24, 2009 1:26 AM
I'm just wondering what Freud would think of the speculum-crocoduck conundrum.
Posted by: Dilaceratus | October 24, 2009 1:39 AM
Given the theatrical lighting and implement, perhaps this photo ought be captioned "The Wizard of Os.""
Posted by: Dilaceratus | October 24, 2009 1:44 AM
Given the theatrical lighting, glowing implement, and our host's ominous expression, this photo ought to be captioned, "The Wizard of Os."
Posted by: subbie
|
October 24, 2009 1:47 AM
Actually, he was a gynecologist, but that was his lunch hour. (I've been waiting 35 years to work that line into a conversation.)
Posted by: Benjamin Geiger | October 24, 2009 1:54 AM
Specula City! SPECULA CITY!
A giant warehouse of specula for every occasion! Thousands to choose from in every shape, size, and color! And because we eliminate the middleman, we can sell all our specula factory direct to you!
Posted by: The Other Ian
|
October 24, 2009 2:00 AM
I believe the phrase is "jumped the shark".
Posted by: Spazzman Spliff | October 24, 2009 2:03 AM
Would it be irresponsible to speculate... or irresponsible not to?
Posted by: Rachel Bronwyn
|
October 24, 2009 2:08 AM
As someone who works with specula on a daily basis, until you've been taught how to use one, do not put one anywhere NEAR a volunteer vagina. You can hurt a girl with those!
Yes, I am volunteering my expertise and vagina.
The cervix is fascinating though. Veiwing it's changes throughout a woman's menstrual cycle can be a treat.
Posted by: kikigoddess | October 24, 2009 2:17 AM
ME! ME! PICK ME!!!!
Uh, sorry. Wrong forum. Never mind.
Posted by: Bride of Shrek OM
|
October 24, 2009 2:24 AM
Rorschach
Dad's an ENT and I always used to give him crap about how nasty the orifices he has to deal with are when they're diseased. I mean he's got ear wax, snot, spit- all the good juices.
His comeback always used to be "at least I'm not a Gynaecologist- imagine what those poor buggers have to see". So my heartfelt sympathies to you, I can ony imagine ( although I prefer not to) the horrors you've seen.
Posted by: Benjamin Geiger
|
October 24, 2009 2:36 AM
Bride of Shrek:
I couldn't imagine being a gynecologist. I mean, I have a greater-than-is-probably-normal love for the vagina, but seeing that many diseased specimens would probably completely destroy any desire.
And I thought colorectal surgeons had it rough...
Posted by: Woof
|
October 24, 2009 3:06 AM
I bet that Astronomy Guy doesn't get anonymous packages like that!
Posted by: https://me.yahoo.com/idiotiddidit#5116d
|
October 24, 2009 3:17 AM
PZ, since your wife rebuffed you, perhaps you would be better off to look up an old girlfriend. [pun intended]
Posted by: Ragutis
|
October 24, 2009 3:29 AM
I was going to attempt a song parody, but just couldn't bring myself to do that to David Bowie.
Posted by: Forbidden Snowflake
|
October 24, 2009 3:36 AM
Some of my best friends are vaginas! I even let them use my bathroom! ;-) It may have had something to do with this post.Can't be sure, though.
Posted by: DaveH | October 24, 2009 3:59 AM
Did you hear about the gynaecologist who wallpapered his hall....through the letterbox?
Posted by: darvolution proponentsist | October 24, 2009 4:11 AM
Sigh... I love this blog.
Speculation Motivation
Posted by: darvolution proponentsist | October 24, 2009 4:17 AM
Crap, I truncated that URL...friggin backslash... Grumble Grumble
Speculation Motivation
Posted by: Bone Oboe | October 24, 2009 4:38 AM
All you'd need is a talking gum-ball machine to prop up on the other side and you could watch Banana-man and Crocoduck-boy's videos, and eviscerate them ala:
You'd even have a light to look for dropped cell phones and car keys while the credits roll.
Posted by: Knockgoats
|
October 24, 2009 6:02 AM
Calamari cluster for Carlie!
Posted by: 'Tis Himself, OM
|
October 24, 2009 6:29 AM
F #63
THAT THAT THAT THAT THAT THAT THAT THAT THAT THAT THAT :P
Posted by: DaveL | October 24, 2009 6:39 AM
Well, that's... disturbing.
Now someone has got to knit PZ some rudolph-the-red-nosed-reindeer covers for them (guess where the antlers go) so he can put some on the mantelpiece this christmas.
Posted by: gb | October 24, 2009 6:56 AM
Mixed up order I think! Imagine, there is some poor gynecologist out there not knowing what to do with 20 pounds of octopus.
Posted by: Flea
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October 24, 2009 6:58 AM
This is offensive. I have nothing against vaginas, in fact some of my best friends are vaginas, but...
Posted by: Fallopia | October 24, 2009 7:05 AM
Did you ever consider paying for a vagina? Oops, never mind. That's called something else.
Posted by: Beige
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October 24, 2009 7:10 AM
That was absolutely hilarious! *adds to christmas wishlist*
Posted by: Porco Dio
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October 24, 2009 7:28 AM
Happy Monkey!
(i think)
Posted by: sasqwatch
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October 24, 2009 7:30 AM
A man, a plan, a canal... specula!
Posted by: ivankaramazov
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October 24, 2009 7:44 AM
This is not a flattering picture. You look like a hairy old pedophile.
Posted by: Rob Monkey | October 24, 2009 8:41 AM
Benjamin at #112, you will always earn respect from me when you quote UHF. Classic! "Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Specula City. I like the speculas so much, I bought the company."
Posted by: MAJeff, OM
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October 24, 2009 8:53 AM
Some of my best friends are vaginas! I even let them use my bathroom! ;-)
I just don't think vaginas and penises belong anywhere near each other, especially not within marriages.
Posted by: Fred The Hun | October 24, 2009 8:55 AM
And speaking of vaginas...
In Finland there is a lady who has a business, taking tourists for rides, in her giant bicycle vagina, No I am not kidding!
http://bp1.blogger.com/_iUis36Ojs-s/SD7SS13O6zI/AAAAAAAADDI/P29A8xcEtRc/s1600-h/Naked-Vagina-Bike.jpg
Posted by: puseaus | October 24, 2009 11:21 AM
Guess who's gonna be this year's top ranked halloween pumpkinhead model. With LED inside, no unnecessary CO2 pollution, please!
Posted by: booger | October 24, 2009 11:30 AM
"Man, when you've got a speculum, everything starts to look like a vagina"
Coffee all over monitor. Try working that into a conversation...
Posted by: Multicellular | October 24, 2009 11:47 AM
Uh, I guess I need to find two dozen volunteer vaginas.
And time to add a chorus to the Vagina Monologues.
Posted by: red rabbit | October 24, 2009 11:49 AM
I use specula pretty often, and I prefer the steel ones because you can warm them under the tap and they don't collapse, snap shut, and bite the patient.
Posted by: Richard Smith
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October 24, 2009 12:05 PM
@Flea (#131):
And it's an attitude like that that ensure you will never have anything against a vagina.
@Fred The Hun (#139):
At least it's not her clown car.
Posted by: Multicellular | October 24, 2009 12:09 PM
If you're feeling down and glum
Just order up some speculum
Don't feel sheepish, crude or dumb
But do remember these rules of thumb:
While any orifice will do for some
Use lidocaine to make it numb
A slight pinch between the cheek and bum
Pretty soon you'll start to hum
And in no time you'll be an alum
Just remember to keep mum
If you see your ileum
Posted by: skylyre
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October 24, 2009 12:26 PM
Fuck Benjamin, I was gonna sing that!
Posted by: Mark Stevens | October 24, 2009 12:36 PM
Those things are great for spreading hot baked potatoes.
Posted by: cmflyer
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October 24, 2009 12:40 PM
Yes, Bone Oboe, it looks like Crow's skeleton.
Posted by: Tammy | October 24, 2009 12:41 PM
Now I think I understand how you men feel while all the girls are laughing at the repeat videos of groin shots...
It's hard to laugh with your legs crossed.
Posted by: Rey Fox
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October 24, 2009 12:42 PM
Frankly, I'm not sure how a post about the iridescent feathers on a duck's wing inspired quite so many ribald comments.
Posted by: Arnold T Pants | October 24, 2009 12:46 PM
1. That LED is great. It provides very good light for a pelvic exam.
2. Not to be vulgar, but do remember the lubrication.
Posted by: chgo_liz | October 24, 2009 1:03 PM
red rabbit @ #143:
As a person on the other side of the interaction on a yearly basis, I concur: the plastic ones have a tendency to pinch (the deal-breaker right there) and can't be warmed up...and I hate that ratchety sound when they're being clicked open.
Posted by: Bill Dauphin, OM
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October 24, 2009 1:04 PM
Coming soon to a theatre near you...
No Country for Gay Men a Coen Brothers Production.
[Sorry. I just watched the trailer for A Serious Man, and I couldn't resist.]
Posted by: Iris
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October 24, 2009 1:10 PM
I totally volunteer, PZ. Don't know why everyone's so squicked. Well, MAJeff and anyone else playing for his team, I can kind of understand. Maybe it's just me, but I find vaginas awesome generally, and of course mine especially. ;)
Three conditions:
-You learn how to use it first. From a pro.
-Trophy Wife is 100% cool with it.
-And you take a picture of my cervix.
See, it's important to me to keep anti-choice legislators up to date on the status of my cervix, since anyone who thinks it's their business what goes into or out of it deserves nothing less than a spectacular, full-color status report, don't you think? I get one taken at my annual exam for this purpose, but I am sure an interim update would be very much appreciated by the usual recipients.
Bring one to New York City next time you have occasion to visit, and let's have a look, shall we?
Posted by: Bill Dauphin, OM
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October 24, 2009 1:16 PM
miserymire (@70):
Now, now... just 'cuz you don't want to dive into one is no reason to be nasty!
I have as little interest in sexual contact with penises as you apparently do with vaginas, but that doesn't mean I think they're icky. Just ask my buddy Ron White.
;^)
Posted by: 'Tis Himself, OM
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October 24, 2009 1:23 PM
Smoggy, is that you?
Posted by: Bill Dauphin, OM
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October 24, 2009 1:34 PM
Peter (Not Related to Danica) McKellar (@88):
Your colorful phraseology reminded me of this bit from the late great Dennis Wolfberg. (The relevant bit begins roughly 3:00 in.)
Posted by: Bill Dauphin, OM
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October 24, 2009 1:39 PM
No, 'Tis, 'tis really me, Bill Dauphin, OM. The change in my handle is owing to the hoops I hand to jump through to get Movable Type to let me back through the door.
Posted by: Circe | October 24, 2009 1:47 PM
You get all the fun mail! (I just get my Small Town, Texas neighbors shoving roadkill in my mailbox!)
Posted by: NickG
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October 24, 2009 2:06 PM
Iris@154: "Three conditions: ...And you take a picture of my cervix."
I really used to think this was the weirdest request in the universe. But in the crunchy granola women's health clinic where I volunteer I get every so often a woman who asks me to take a picture of her cervix while I'm doing her pap. I also have twice walked in on a person with her GF taking a pic of her VJ while in stirrups (when I go back in the room after she's finished changing.)
OK, I still think its seriously weird, but at least I have gotten adept at using a camera one handed while holding the speculum open. (I was even emailed a link to my work published on one cervix owner's website.)
Really seriously weird. But hey, whatever slays your dragon.
Posted by: Shyster | October 24, 2009 2:55 PM
This month's National Geo magazine has a depiction of a duck-croc in its article about the evolution of crocs. Does this end the Croc0duc argument?
Posted by: sidhe
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October 24, 2009 3:35 PM
OMG I haven't laughed so hard all by myself in a long time! Thanks, PZ! =)
Posted by: ButchKitties | October 24, 2009 3:39 PM
I suggest you glue some googly eyes to it and start referring to it as Mr. Speculum. Make it your constant companion in the manner of Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat. It can only do good things for your social life.
Posted by: Benjamin Geiger
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October 24, 2009 3:41 PM
skylyre:
Is that an offer? If so, are you female?
Bill Dauphin:
I agree 100%. While I've only got enough love for the cock to cover my own, I'm not squicked by them. And I love that Ron White bit. (But not Ron White's bits, if you get my drift.)
Posted by: shatfat
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October 24, 2009 4:10 PM
Meow, meow. Well I can play this game, too. What about the experience of every woman in a male-dominated society.
Ferchrissakes, Jeff, you sound like you're 15 when you say that.
Posted by: the_fishiologist
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October 24, 2009 4:33 PM
and to think, I just get bills. and to whomever said "Cervix with a smile" - BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Posted by: Frank Oswalt
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October 24, 2009 4:53 PM
@shatfat (#165):
Not to mention the experience of every intelligent person in a stupid-dominated society.
Posted by: Michelle R | October 24, 2009 4:58 PM
Okay. Okay. Wait. I'm busy laughing too much. I need to breathe.
Posted by: Tammy | October 24, 2009 5:51 PM
You know, the cervix of a woman who has given birth kinda looks like it has a smile...
Posted by: Knockgoats
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October 24, 2009 5:57 PM
Has anyone else noticed that adverts for speculums for sale on eBay have begun appearing at the top of the page?
Posted by: Carlie | October 24, 2009 6:15 PM
Well I can play this game, too. What about the experience of every woman in a male-dominated society.
Oooooooopressssssioooooonnnnnn Waaaaaaaarrrrssss!!!!!
(said in a Michael Buffer voice)
Jesus on a stick, he was responding specifically to something a person said to him, not making statements on relative experiences of different groups in society.
Posted by: obscured by clouds | October 24, 2009 6:38 PM
Sorry I had to. ;)~
A very unusual present : Pharyngula
Posted by: no2religion | October 24, 2009 8:24 PM
Maybe Michelle Bachman will volunteer. However, that could be a very scary one to look at. For some reason I have a visual of a Venus Flytrap like vagina.
Posted by: Sarmatae | October 24, 2009 9:48 PM
Well Thanksgiving is coming up, one of those things will make stuffing a turkey super easy.
Posted by: Remi | October 25, 2009 1:00 AM
So what was in the other "large" boxes (dare I ask)?
Posted by: ~Pharyngulette~
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October 25, 2009 1:01 AM
I didn't read carefully through every comment here, but I don't recall seeing anyone quote the masterful Firesign Theater yet: "Rocky Rococo... at your cervix!"
Posted by: Rorschach | October 25, 2009 1:13 AM
Iris @ 154,
It had to happen !!
Posted by: Monado
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October 25, 2009 1:51 AM
gorobei [#33], I thought that Pale Male had shuffled off this mortal coil a few years ago and was a ex-hawk. Could it have been an offspring?
PZ, that thing reminds me of plastic scissors. Not v. scary. Speaking of which, we had a fine mild night with costumed pedestrians, including a fair number dressed as zombies. I think there was a Zombie Parade or Dead March somewhere downtown. It reminded me of last Hallowe'en, when you were in Toronto and a few of us walked you and Skatje back to your hotel.
Posted by: Alexander the Good Enough | October 25, 2009 4:44 AM
Whata Hoot!
I'm surprised, saddened perhaps, that no one has linked to the one and only Dr. (really!) Annie Sprinkle's original Public Cervix Announcement:
http://www.anniesprinkle.org/html/writings/pca.html
(NSFW)
Posted by: storkdok | October 25, 2009 9:18 AM
PZ,
I love the new look! Of course, I'm biased!
If you want to learn how to use it, I'd be happy to teach you. I teach the medical students how to do exams. Of course, in my day in medical school, we had to pay live "models" to learn how to do pelvic exams. Now we just get a plastic pelvis to teach on. Sigh.
Posted by: Abelard
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October 25, 2009 12:59 PM
MiseryMire #70:
'Speculum' means simply 'mirror' in Latin; in other words, a device for looking, in this case into body cavities.
Such medical devices for peering into the vagina have been around since antiquity (see: http://www.hsl.virginia.edu/historical/artifacts/roman_surgical/images/vaginalSpeculum1a_e.jpg)
Posted by: Abelard
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October 25, 2009 1:01 PM
MiseryMire #70:
'Speculum' means simply 'mirror' in Latin; in other words, a device for looking, in this case into body cavities. Alexander Nequam's Speculum Speculationum "Mirror of Contemplation" is a device (a book) for looking...into his theological thoughts.
Learn Latin. It will help a medievalist.
Such medical devices for peering into the vagina have been around since antiquity (see: http://www.hsl.virginia.edu/historical/artifacts/roman_surgical/images/vaginalSpeculum1a_e.jpg)
Posted by: 'Tis Himself, OM
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October 25, 2009 1:04 PM
stardok #180
My daughter's comment, upon reading this sentence, was "you couldn't pay me enough to do that."
Posted by: Everbleed | October 25, 2009 3:30 PM
Give Sili (#46) a prize for being quicker, smarter and better looking than the rest of us.
And no, I did not go look at the pictures. I think there are just some things you don't need to see. I have a hard enough time keeping my fantasies fresh.
That's why I always close my eyes.
Like when I saw that picture of PZ holding that thing.
Posted by: MadOverlord | October 25, 2009 6:39 PM
You don't need a volunteer vagina, you need a stunt.... um, nevermind...
Posted by: bbgunn | October 26, 2009 9:14 AM
Thanks for reminding me, PZ. My wife asked me to pick up some salad tongs after I leave work today.
Posted by: OmiOne
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October 26, 2009 2:05 PM
"... but she backed away quickly and is hiding from me now."
LOL
Posted by: will von wizzlepig | October 26, 2009 4:26 PM
heh! "volunteer vagina" + "famous person" (you) makes me think of this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioKyxGkBRro
...something tells me that while your fame may qualify you for at least one cooperative groupie in the volunteer vagina department, that your wife and job as a college professor may be inhibiting factors.