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PZ Myers is a biologist and associate professor at the University of Minnesota, Morris.
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God has been replaced, as he has all over the West, with respectability and air conditioning.
[Imamu Amiri Baraka, "Home", 1966]
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More articles by PZ Myers can be found on Freethoughtblogs at the new Pharyngula!
Category: Weirdness
Posted on: October 1, 2009 6:46 AM, by PZ Myers
If you've ever read William Dembski, you know he has an infuriating ego and is aggravatingly pompous. If you've ever read Dan Brown, you know that he simply can't write, churning out canned syntax and ridiculous plots. What would you get if someone made an unholy fusion of the two?
I'm pretty sure that this is one of those chimerae the religious right gets so incensed about, and for once, I agree with them. Kill it. Kill it now. Kill it with fire.
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Comments
Posted by: speedweasel
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October 1, 2009 7:33 AM
W T F ?
Posted by: Bob O'H
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October 1, 2009 7:39 AM
My explanatory filter tells me this was a fellow Church Burnin' Ebola Boy.
*checks link*
I can haz FCSI sums?
Posted by: Wayne Robinson
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October 1, 2009 7:43 AM
I don't know; the excerpts from the new book seemed much better than "the Lost Symbol".
Amazon has a brilliant review by Valannin which almost makes it worth reading it to appreciate the geniality of the review:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A3A2X0ZIIS9JVD/ref=cm_pdp_rev_title_1?ie=UTF8&sort_by=MostRecentReview#RADQDJ5DJ0KPY
Posted by: charley
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October 1, 2009 7:44 AM
Parody, right?
Posted by: Rorschach
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October 1, 2009 7:47 AM
I just spent 15 minutes to type from that link and comment, only to suffer a movable error having to log back in, losing my typed comment.Whoever the incompetent morons are that SB are employing in their IT department should be sent to Afghanistan for a motivational rotation.
Posted by: NewEnglandBob
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October 1, 2009 7:54 AM
Is this a writer's block form of porn?
Posted by: PZ Myers
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October 1, 2009 7:55 AM
I have complained about the commenting. Latest word: they'll fix it in November.
Yeah, right.
They were going to have Six Apart come in a few weeks ago and revitalize everything. Remember the survey they put up, asking what features you wanted? It's all your fault. You set them back, because people said they didn't want the geegaws, they just wanted basic functionality...so they had to reset their expectations and reschedule.
I'm tearing my hair out and snarling a lot. Does it show?
Posted by: SEF
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October 1, 2009 7:58 AM
Public Service Post (for anyone else having difficulty even getting the TypeKey/typepad sign-in option to appear or who is getting the faulty MovableType URL):
Sign in or register with TypePad.
Sign up with Movable Type.
Posted by: Rorschach
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October 1, 2009 7:59 AM
PZ,
I was wondering what happened to the "facebook for nerds" changes we were
promisedthreatened with.It's just annoying to spend time and energy on commenting and then have it go POOF.
Posted by: Aratina Cage
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October 1, 2009 8:02 AM
"Dimbleski"?? "Charles Richard Darkins"??? My eyes! They're burning!
Posted by: Ray Moscow
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October 1, 2009 8:06 AM
This is pure parody win.
Posted by: Ray Moscow
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October 1, 2009 8:09 AM
PZ's riding exploit is featured on page 173,
"toppled down toward the unforgiving spike of the Triceratops kiddie ride below."
Posted by: Matt "Nora" Penfold
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October 1, 2009 8:17 AM
Parody and Satire.
It is a parody of Dan Brown and satire of William Dembski and Denyse O'Leary.
Posted by: Sven DiMilo
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October 1, 2009 8:26 AM
Ha! Amadan ftw.
'course, those guys over at AtBC have had a lot of practice making fun of Bill "Flajayjay" Dembski and Denyse "Buy My
CukeBook" O'Leary.A lot.
Posted by: Free Lunch
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October 1, 2009 8:35 AM
Parody and Satire.
It is a parody of Dan Brown and satire of William Dembski and Denyse O'Leary.
Two, two, two snarks in one. Sure, the function is shoot (fish, barrel), but who cares. They deserve really terrible prose. They have earned the mockery.
Posted by: DLC
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October 1, 2009 9:43 AM
Pompus Bill and Dense Obleary.
Posted by: Pierce R. Butler
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October 1, 2009 9:57 AM
... canned syntax ...
??? Dictionary & thesaurus time.
Syntax enclosed in a cylindrical metal container. Don't think so.
Previously prepared syntax. Uh, huh?
Rejected or fired-from-employment syntax. Not quite.
Jailed syntax. Nope, but maybe getting warmer.
Syntax with buttocks. Closest match - winner by default!
Posted by: sqlrob
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October 1, 2009 10:11 AM
Obligatory
Posted by: Qwerty
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October 1, 2009 10:46 AM
I'll have to buy the hard cover. I can't wait for the paperback or the blockbuster that I am sure Mel Gibson will produce, write, co-direct, and star in as Dimbleski with Jenny McCarthy as Denyse Cannochey. Yes, Michael Medved with give it six stars out of four and rant that Ebert doesn't know what he's talking about when he pans it.
Ohhhh, I am so excited I can barely contain myself.
Posted by: Sili
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October 1, 2009 12:03 PM
But PeeZed, you have such nice hair. Don't tear it out.
Meh. Needs more anarthrousicity.
Posted by: Stanton
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October 1, 2009 12:07 PM
This is the first satirical piece I've found genuinely amusing enough to laugh at in a long, long time.
Posted by: Aquaria
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October 1, 2009 1:13 PM
I'm one of the three people who has not read Dan Brown. Is his writing really that atrocious?
The first sentence made me cringe, with that clause of "greeting the person ringing him". Seriously? Why not "into the phone"? Why not "said" alone? Surely you had the part on the previous page that the phone rang?
Argh. If this is how Brown writes, I'm glad I haven't read him. I'd have so much red ink over the pages, it would look like I'd beaten the author to death with his own book.
Posted by: Nerd of Redhead, OM
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October 1, 2009 1:21 PM
I haven't either. Who's the other person?Posted by: Dania
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October 1, 2009 1:42 PM
I think it's me...
Posted by: Joshua Zelinsky
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October 1, 2009 1:47 PM
For those who haven't read Dan Brown: Don't. Seriously, you'll be better off that way. His last book was even worse than the previous ones. The others were stupid and poorly researched. This most recent one was even dumber and didn't even flow well.
Posted by: truthspeaker
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October 1, 2009 1:49 PM
PZ, any chance of SEF's links somewhere on the front page?
Posted by: JJ
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October 1, 2009 1:58 PM
For those who have lost their comment due to sign-in. Here's my suggestion - Whenever I am typing a long reply, I always copy it to my clipboard prior to hitting the post button. Has saved me much frustration (esp. as of late)
Posted by: Peter G.
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October 1, 2009 2:03 PM
Having read only the first chapter of Brown's Da Vinci Code I can confidently assert that he is in fact a third rate writer. That is what prevented me from reading any subsequent chapters. I'm glad the girlfriend doesn't hang out here because she recommended that particular piece of trash and usually I like her taste in fiction. This parody captures the essence of his style beautifully. Of course who doesn't admire their own style? I can't really blame Brown for his awkward and overwrought sophomoric scribbling but surely there can be no excuse for his editor.
Posted by: Ray Moscow
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October 1, 2009 2:08 PM
I shouldn't admit it, but I liked Dan Brown's books. They are fun page-turners. He has a knack for keeping the reader hooked into the story.
Great literature, they are not. Stupid ideas and factual errors of all sorts abound.
Upset the churches? You bet they do. There are signs in all these "Da Vinci" churches explaining why the novel (yes, a novel) was wrong, and about a dozen books were written to debunk a work of fiction.
Sell by the millions, making Brown filthy rich? Yep. He knows his audience.
I suppose he'll just have to scrape by without any literary awards. Poor guy.
Posted by: NixNoctua
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October 1, 2009 2:15 PM
Kill it with fire? I hate whoring my own art (mostly 'cause I hate most of it) but I just finished this yesterday and you reminded me of it.
She can kill it with fire.
*If I post this, I will run and hide out of embarrassment*
Posted by: Aquaria
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October 1, 2009 2:17 PM
Look, John Grisham is a sophomoric writer who vomits up page-turners, and has made shit loads of money.
The Spice Girls sold a lot of albums.
And somebody went to enough Police Academy 3 movies for Police Academy 4 to get on the screen.
So.
Fucking.
What.
Sales and earnings != quality. It just goes to show that stupid people have money to spend.
Posted by: SEF
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October 1, 2009 2:21 PM
My links are specific to each thread - they log you in (or register you, in the case of MT) and then take you back to the same thread to comment (barring further ScienceBlogs glitches!). I could probably make the TypeKey/typepad one go back to the pharyngula home page instead though.
Posted by: carlos aegan
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October 1, 2009 2:25 PM
so this ISN'T a real book?
*phew*
i don't think i would ever recover...
Posted by: Didac
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October 1, 2009 2:28 PM
Oh, a Materialist Czar is an unacceptable thing. But a few Spiritualist, Idealist, Czars are fully permissible.
Posted by: JackC
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October 1, 2009 3:10 PM
Aquaria and the other two... Yes. Yes it is. Stay away, it really is just not worth it.
I am trying to work out how to break the news to both my wife and my very best friend, who think his writing is absolute wizardry.
Dreck really doesn't quite catch the proper nuance. I am plodding through "The Lost
PlotSymbol" now. It is painful.JC
Posted by: Brownian, Most Vicious & Petty of Pharyngulites
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October 1, 2009 4:03 PM
Aquaria:
Nerd of Redhead:
Dania:
But...but...if you all haven't read him, and I haven't read him then that makes--[counts on fingers, but gets confused]--that makes--[opens up Excel, but accidentally cuts 'n' pastes Dania's name over Aquaria's]--that makes--[quickly writes SAS program that calls macros and over-uses proc sql]--goddamn stats job ruined my ability to do simple math, but that's more than three.
Gang, it looks like we've got a mystery on our hands, but this nametag sewn into the waistband of this pair of ginch I found in a dumpster behind the Casa Buonarroti may be Michaelangelo's written in Koine Greek! And if you rearrange the letters to popular laundry soap brands Tide and ABC you get "bat iced"--clues clearly meant to lead us into thinking there's an Opus Dei plot to assassinate Meat Loaf! But could it be that easy? Lessee, Meat Loaf, meat loaf, iced meat loaf...where would one find iced meatloaf? Quick! To the Vatican's cafeteria!
Heh, that was pretty easy. Anybody know if Dan Brown's been Naked Came the Strangered yet?
Posted by: Brownian, Most Vicious & Petty of Pharyngulites
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October 1, 2009 4:12 PM
Shit! I just read Valannin's awesome review of The Lost Symbol as linked to by Wayne Robinson in #3.
So, The Lost Symbol pretty much is Naked Came the Stranger with more God-porn and less, uh, porn-porn.
Posted by: 'Tis Himself, OM
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October 1, 2009 4:43 PM
Ray Moscow #29
I admit that I've only read the first 20 pages of The Da Vinci Code. It was not a page turner. It was BORING with a capital BORE! I've read John Hobson's Imperialism and at least it had a point. That's more than Brown can say. Hobson is no longer the most turgid writer I've come across, Brown beats him hands down.
Posted by: JackC
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October 1, 2009 5:20 PM
Brown's books occasionally remind me of something I wrote on the board in an English class once:
Plot: Sound an English Professor makes after a 7-story fall.
(this was an "afloat Education" class - one where a couple of professors get a "free" ride overseas on a Naval ship - it really was a cool program - and being the Navy and all, you could get away with ...er... a few things ;-)
JC
Posted by: DaveL
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October 1, 2009 5:32 PM
I've read The DaVinci Code, suffered through Digital Fortress, and can't bring myself to finish Angels and Demons.
I think the key to enjoying any Dan Brown novel is, first and foremost, to make sure you know absolutely nothing about anything he's going to talk about.
Posted by: JackC
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October 1, 2009 6:10 PM
Digital Fortress made me scream. Out loud.
JC
Posted by: Cath the Canberra Cook
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October 1, 2009 7:08 PM
The classic Language Log on the da Vinci code.
http://itre.cis.upenn.edu/~myl/languagelog/archives/000844.html
And yes, Pierce, that's canned syntax as in pre-prepared. And recycled.
I have read the da Vinci code, and it was crap. But I found it adequately page turning to finish. I was feeling unwell and rather brain dead at the time, which probably helped.
Posted by: mtgap.wordpress.com
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October 1, 2009 10:22 PM
Am I the only one who is amused by usage of the word "ejaculated"?
Posted by: realinterrobang
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October 1, 2009 10:53 PM
Well, PZ, if Six Apart comes in to try to fix things, ScienceBlogs is screwed, frankly.
I'm another person who hasn't read Dan Brown, so I guess that makes...more than three. Though I do have to defend John Grisham, who apparently unlike Brown, has actually written one real novel, called A Painted House. There are no lawyers in it anywhere, and it is disturbingly serious.
Posted by: Sven DiMilo
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October 1, 2009 10:57 PM
*raises hand*
Yet another more than three. This thing could get legs.
Posted by: Brian
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October 1, 2009 11:16 PM
This is one of the most wicked satires/parodies I've read in a while. Is there more than about 6-8 pages of it, or am I just being dense?
And just to add to the Dan Brown thread. Yeah, take The _Da Vinci Code_ for what it is, a fun fast paced page turner and it's tolerable. I think of him as a poor man's, and I mean really poor man's, version of Emberto Eco. Particuraly _Foucault's Pendulum_. Brilliant author and book.
Bottom line, you have much better things to spend your time on reading than Dan Brown.
Brian
Posted by: llewelly
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October 1, 2009 11:52 PM
I'm baffled at all these people referring to The DaVinci Code as a "page-turner". I found it to be dreadfully boring. And strongly reminiscent of The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail (a kook-history book). Also a little bit reminiscent of certain Mormon beliefs. But terribly, terribly boring.
Posted by: Wowbagger, Man-Hating Man of Pharyngula
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October 2, 2009 12:47 AM
I'm okay with considering The Da Vinci Code a page turner - but one written with some of the most wretched prose ever used to mangle the English language. I finished it in an afternoon but stopped frequently to laugh out loud at how excruciating some of it was.
On another occasion I took it with me when I had lunch with a friend who's also a word-nerd - we took turns flipping to random passages and reading them out loud and giggling.
But I still rate Brown higher than my fellow Australian Matthew Reilly.
Posted by: Aquaria
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October 2, 2009 4:24 AM
Wowbagger:
I mentioned John Grisham upstairs, because I had the misfortune of not bringing enough books with me when I housesat for one of my mom's friends. The only book in the house that wasn't mine was The Client, by Grisham. I made the mistake of reading every wretched word.
To demonstrate what I found wrong with his writing, I'll couch my critique in a copy of his exact writing style.
Grisham is the master of declarative sentences. He will have entire paragraphs of them. Some of those paragraphs are very long. He seems unfamiliar with clauses and non-prepositional phrases. He rarely uses those. The vocabulary wouldn't have cut it for a 7th grade book report. The book was boring to read. It gave me a headache. Americans must be stupid. They think this guy is great.
If anyone wants to see what Grisham could have done with the thriller genre, I'd recommend Nathan's Run, by John Gilstrap.
Posted by: tielserrath.wordpress.com
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October 2, 2009 8:02 AM
Well, I read the first page of TDVC, (so I am also confounding the mathematics), and put it back on the shelf. As a trying-to-get-published writer, following all the 'rules' that publishers set, and editing my prose to a fine sheen, it's unbelievably disheartening when this sort of crap finds its way into bookshops.
The parody is fantastic, though.
Posted by: tielserrath.wordpress.com
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October 2, 2009 8:12 AM
Although there is worse:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/lostinshowbiz/2009/sep/29/martine-mccutcheon-novel
(read the comments, they're great!)
Posted by: AJ Milne OM
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October 2, 2009 9:49 AM
Oh stewardess... maybe I can help. I speak geek...
(To IT Dept reps...) So the clients' immediate needs conflict with your longterm vision for an improved backbone architecture, is that where we are?
IT DEPT 1: Word.
IT DEPT 2: Fo' sho', dawg.
ME: (To users) Dancing pretty animated shit, we can do that. You could also all have your own icons... Which you could design on screen with this way-cool point 'n click thing that glows in the dark... Your avatars could have, like, moustaches and glasses, if you liked... Also, the database would be like seriously awesome, in terms of the numbers database people like to see when they run their tests... But you'd never know. And no, none of you could actually log in to use any of this.
USERS: When can any of this be done?
ME: (To IT dept.) What's our timeline to the deliverables for milestone 3?
IT DEPT 1: Yo, you be sayin' fo shit straight propagatin' from the mouse to da DB and back to the user, dawg?
ME: Word.
IT DEPT 2: Well, milestone 2 is probably two weeks out. Which is like (consults pocket calculator) carry the two... I'm seeing sixty six man years... from work week 90...
IT DEPT 1: Me and the bloods are *on* this muthah.
ME: Is that Gregorian or Julian?
IT DEPT 1: French Republican. But we round it up to match the lunar cycle.
IT DEPT 2: We from Alcatel, knamean?
IT DEPT 1: (to IT DEPT 1) Brah, you trippin'. 66 man-years is *not* on.
IT DEPT 2: We are *not* doing your API mods, bitch.
IT DEPT 1: You dissin' my API mods? You want beef? You want beef, you *got* beef...
IT DEPT 2: Yo' *mamma's* API mods. Bring it...
ME: (to users) What are you doing in 2050?
USERS: Is that Gregorian or Julian?
ME: Actually, I'm not really sure anymore...
(/In the less funny... the reason this did not appear for some hours after the comment it answers is because I kept getting the broken login form... In proper IT ghettoboy style, to beat this: steal the source from the login page, pick up everything between the <form> and </form> tags, save it to a local html document (just stick html and body tags opening before and closing after) modify the form target from the dumbass crackers' 'mt-comments.fcgi sheeyite to just 'mt/comments', open it in your browser and login from there, fo'sho, dawg...)
Posted by: Jim
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October 5, 2009 8:57 AM
PZ Myers: "If you've ever read William Dembski, you know he has an infuriating ego and is aggravatingly pompous."
Dembski has been called ugly by a toad.
You're projecting, PZ.
Posted by: Knockgoats
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October 5, 2009 9:03 AM
Jim,
Take a look in the mirror.