Face it, guys: we all wish we had a penis with the versatility and length and flexibility of the barnacle's.
Mating barnacles from Casey Dunn on Vimeo.
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« Friday Cephalopod: Will you be this pretty when you're dead? | Main | Ethical Humanist Society of Chicago: You're doing it wrong »
Penis envy
Category: Organisms
Posted on: November 6, 2009 10:07 AM, by PZ Myers
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Comments
Posted by: daveau
|
November 6, 2009 10:16 AM
Hung like a barnacle- not the insult that it seems.
We have an amorous mystery snail with a unit that would make you blush. I did the first time I saw him mating.
Posted by: Lynna | November 6, 2009 10:16 AM
Yep, that's a pretty good penis. But it would be better if it had eyes so it could see its target. Let's not waste time poking around.
Posted by: Ewoo | November 6, 2009 10:17 AM
I'm not sure i'm to hip on losing my penis each season though.
Posted by: strangest brew | November 6, 2009 10:17 AM
Not wishing to boast...but when I do that in bed the recipient gets a huff on...offending member gets a short sharp slap and a bad tempered "no chance casanova!"...sigh!
Posted by: Antiochus Epiphanes | November 6, 2009 10:28 AM
Not me. I have a jar full of barnacle penises. More than I can handle, really.
Posted by: JD | November 6, 2009 10:30 AM
Barnacle eroticism is how Larry Flynt got his start.
Posted by: Mike Wagner
|
November 6, 2009 10:31 AM
I'm happy with what I've got. Slamming doors would be your worst enemy.
I remember reading about barnacle sex many moons ago, back in elementary school, in a book called "The Sexual Connection: Mating The Wild Way". It certainly wasn't aimed at kids my age, but my parents would let me read virtually any book at all as long as it wasn't published by Larry Flynt.
It's a good read. A little dated maybe since I believe it came out in the 70s. At least my young brain enjoyed it.
Posted by: Michelle R | November 6, 2009 10:32 AM
I don't know... As a girl I think I'd prefer efficiency over the waste of time... They sure have a problem figuring out where the girls are.
Posted by: SEF | November 6, 2009 10:34 AM
The barnacle has the assistance of water support though. To achieve the same thing in air might require a much less substantial piece of paraphernalia, possibly supported by lighter-than-air gas sacs rather than blood ones.
Posted by: Levi in NY | November 6, 2009 10:37 AM
"Face it, guys: we all wish we had a penis with the versatility and length and flexibility of the barnacle's."
You mean you guys don't?
Posted by: Naked Bunny with a Whip
|
November 6, 2009 10:37 AM
They have the damndest deleted scenes on those Spongebob Squarepants DVDs.
Posted by: Berner | November 6, 2009 10:40 AM
If mine was that flexible I'd use it to pee around corners.
Posted by: RamblinDude
|
November 6, 2009 10:43 AM
Naw. Adolescence in the classroom was hard enough without having a trouser snake long enough to poke through my pants leg, slither along the floor, and tap Mrs. Trimble, my Lit teacher, on the shoulder.
Posted by: MrFire
|
November 6, 2009 10:45 AM
I'm sure I found references to the Argentinian Lake Duck on this very website. Beats the barnacle hollow.
Posted by: Brownian, OM
|
November 6, 2009 10:47 AM
I feel sorry for the guy in the middle who kept coming up short. In still water the snickers can travel for miles.
Posted by: mus | November 6, 2009 10:55 AM
I was going to say that the coolest thing was that they could simultaneously eat and have sex, but then I noticed that the legs weren't actually waving around.
I'm sure there's a joke hiding somewhere in there...
Posted by: Sili
|
November 6, 2009 11:00 AM
DO WANT. I hate having to get up to take a piss in the middle of the night (so it goes with age).
On the other had I do have a cat ...
Posted by: Glen Davidson
|
November 6, 2009 11:01 AM
Well, I don't think I'd want to have that, anyhow. Relative to body size (certainly not absolutely) it's long, but rather lacking in girth.
And somehow I don't think I'd like to lose it every year after using it for a short period. Regrowing it is pretty cool, sure, yet I think I'll just keep mine.
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/mxaa3p
Posted by: Muhamad | November 6, 2009 11:07 AM
Herr Prof.,
what an amusing, and fascinating, post.
As an Englishman...with a certain thickness...of penis, I find their versatility and flexibility enviable. Not even years of yoga can help one in this matter.
Posted by: Anon | November 6, 2009 11:18 AM
The penis, mightier than the sword.
Or something like that.
Posted by: mothwentbad | November 6, 2009 11:20 AM
Bah. I don't know what you use yours for, but just give me some girth, a decent length, and some good stamina and I've got all I need.
Posted by: Alex | November 6, 2009 11:23 AM
Suggesting that one is envious of any genitalia, especially non-human genitalia, is just fucking creepy.
Posted by: bbgunn | November 6, 2009 11:27 AM
Wish I could train mine to open the fridge and grab me a beer when I have my hands full with chips and dip. Where's an opposable thumb when you need one?
Posted by: Nerdette | November 6, 2009 11:31 AM
Anybody else get a sad feeling of deja vu watching the multiple failed attempts at insertion, the penis flailing about blindly?
No...?
*sigh*
Posted by: Morgan | November 6, 2009 11:33 AM
I know us guys are often accused of fumbling around randomly but at least we're not that random :-)
Posted by: Rev. BigDumbChimp | November 6, 2009 11:38 AM
You forgot to yell...
GET OFF MY DAMN LAWN
Posted by: Cycle Ninja
|
November 6, 2009 11:43 AM
I'm just grateful to get to use the one I have...
Posted by: Sigmund | November 6, 2009 11:44 AM
Size isn't everything.
It might have a long penis..... but it's a shellfish lover.
Posted by: Naked Bunny with a Whip
|
November 6, 2009 11:44 AM
You know what's creepy? People who have no sense of whimsy at all.
@Nerdette: I think I'm supposed to answer "no".
Posted by: Epikt | November 6, 2009 12:07 PM
This is disturbingly reminiscent of the Londo Mollari poker scene in Babylon 5.
Posted by: Pierce R. Butler | November 6, 2009 12:10 PM
Kinda remains me of certain downtown bars, only with more subtlety ...
Posted by: JeffreyD | November 6, 2009 12:16 PM
Why would I want to shorten mine so much?
Ciao from the Python of Love
Posted by: Fate | November 6, 2009 12:16 PM
I dunno, I'd prefer an armadillo. Scaled up to anthropic size, you'd be three feet.
Posted by: 'Tis Himself, OM
|
November 6, 2009 12:17 PM
Some of us are more adroit than that. Practice does help.
Posted by: Jim B | November 6, 2009 12:26 PM
Holy crap! It is a good thing that two of those barnacle penises never touch each other, as it would make the angels cry. God's plan is perfect in every way and finds even the hint of homosexuality an abomination.
Posted by: Rey Fox | November 6, 2009 12:30 PM
"Holy crap! It is a good thing that two of those barnacle penises never touch each other, as it would make the angels cry."
Don't worry, as long as the balls don't touch, it's not gay.
Posted by: Goheels | November 6, 2009 12:35 PM
Imagine the unwanted teenage boners with a package like that.
Posted by: MrFire
|
November 6, 2009 12:39 PM
SEXIST JOKE ALERT
Why were my girlfriends so bad at parking?
*holds thumb and forefinger together*
Because I kept telling them that *this* was about eight inches...
I'll get me coat.
Posted by: hyperdeath | November 6, 2009 12:41 PM
They are truly amazing creatures. I hope you now regret comparing them to Stanley Fish.
Posted by: Acronym Jim | November 6, 2009 12:48 PM
WHAT!!??? I finally just received my fucking copy of the "Agenda" and now you're telling me I have to return it?!!
Steve, come here! O.K. just move your leg over there...no, not there....ouch, shitfuck....the other way...oof..TURN AROUND!TURN AROUND!..yipes...criminy.
Okay, now (eep)I. can (ooch). keep. it. Now....GEROFF!GEROFF!
Posted by: Sili
|
November 6, 2009 1:02 PM
You don't see a problem with that plan? I'd imagine that it'd retract the moment the cold hits it.Posted by: Alex | November 6, 2009 1:07 PM
"You know what's creepy? People who have no sense of whimsy at all."
Talking about how you wish your genitalia were more like those of barnacles is hardly what I would call whimsical.
Posted by: Mark | November 6, 2009 1:11 PM
Yeah, but I bet he still never listens to a thing she says.
Posted by: Naked Bunny with a Whip
|
November 6, 2009 1:31 PM
@Alex: Thank you for reinforcing my point.
Posted by: mikecbraun | November 6, 2009 2:11 PM
Geez, you could have warned us that it wasn't safe for work. Now I'm in trouble for viewing crustacean porn. Just kidding.
Posted by: Sophist | November 6, 2009 2:17 PM
"Barnacle Man, Barnacle Man, doin' the things a barnacle can..."
Posted by: bbgunn | November 6, 2009 2:22 PM
Sili @ #41
I always keep my beer to the front of the shelf, belt high. No rooting around. (Plus, I keep pipe insulation in the junk drawer - no pun intended - just to the right of the fridge.)
Posted by: sasqwatch | November 6, 2009 2:35 PM
16: mus
OK... how about this?
Q: Do you know what sorority barnacles put behind their scuta to attract frat barnacles?
A: Their cirri!!
Oh god, I just crack me up sometimes.
Posted by: Kraid
|
November 6, 2009 2:59 PM
Not to mention if they cross the streams, all life as we know it will stop instantaneously and every molecule in our bodies will explode at the speed of light. Total protonic reversal.Since they're all hermaphrodites, isn't homosexuality kind of obligatory? Maybe god will claim a mulligan on this one.
Posted by: Fernando Montelbon | November 6, 2009 5:42 PM
What a lovely penis.
(the more I read that the weirder that sounds)
Posted by: Copernicus | November 6, 2009 8:29 PM
Lynna #2
Michelle #8
Nerdette #24
LOL! Certainly a whole lot of support for Dawkins when he retorts that at least half an eye "is better than none at all"!*
* Dawkins, The Blind Watchmaker, p. 41
Posted by: Copernicus | November 6, 2009 8:42 PM
Of course it's entirely possible that a couple of ghostsharks- more specifically Hydrolagus melanophasma, saw the same scene as us but thousands of times before and decided to solve the directional issue by just having a sexual organ on their heads instead!
Posted by: Crudely Wrott | November 6, 2009 10:02 PM
Ahh, youth! And movie houses.
I did something like that once, sitting in the fifth row. Romeo and Juliet, circa late 60s. School outing. A girl in the balcony reacted with imaginative vocals. How well I seem to recall it all.
Ahh, youth. Now, what were you saying about barnacles?
Posted by: Katrina | November 6, 2009 10:14 PM
I like Isabella Rossellini's interpretation, as well:
http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid18011345001?bclid=17841335001&bctid=18011211001
Posted by: Stwriley | November 7, 2009 7:21 AM
My first reaction was "wow,and a built-in french tickler, too." Of course, they never get close enough to use it.
Sophist @ #45
Thanks for the perfect musical reference.
"They Might be Giants"...indeed they are.
Posted by: jay | November 7, 2009 10:45 AM
Holy crap! It is a good thing that two of those barnacle penises never touch each other, as it would make the angels cry. God's plan is perfect in every way and finds even the hint of homosexuality an abomination.
If I remember my bio correctly, barnacles are hermaphroditic.. nature's switch hitters.
Posted by: llewelly | November 8, 2009 2:22 AM
Flexible penis envy? Try this bull elephant on for size.