Pharyngula

Kent Hovind’s Doctoral Dissertation

Now everyone can read it: Kent Hovind’s thesis from Patriot University has been scanned and put on the web. Remember to breathe now and then when you’re laughing that hard.

Hello, my name is Kent Hovind. I am a creation/science evangelist. I live in Pensacola, Florida. I have been a high school science teacher since 1976. I’ve been very active in the creation/evolution controversy for quite some time.

He writes like a second-grader, and I haven’t quoted the Christian ravings from it.

(via Kill the Afterlife)

Comments

  1. #1 bettySwollox
    December 10, 2009

    weaponsofmassdeception
    What are you talking about “NO CITATIONS whatsoever”? Hovind cites the Bible PLENTY of times haha!

  2. #2 Kel, OM
    December 10, 2009

    “There’s only one book you have to read!”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa9xDar8rQg

  3. #3 Josh
    December 10, 2009

    @Kel:

    Ha!

  4. #4 Free Lunch
    December 10, 2009

    Miskatonic University

    It’s such a great name that I have a hard time accepting that it does not exist. After all, Quinnipiac University exists. Mr. Lovecraft had a great ear for the believeable (except for the unpronouncable Chthulu).

  5. #5 Owlmirror
    December 10, 2009

    Regarding Patriot Bible University Christian non-gov?t Accredited Distance Learning Bible Degrees”

    In Dr. Johnson’s famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.

        — Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

    *snerk*

  6. #6 Jadehawk, OM
    December 10, 2009

    Mozart’s Requiem arranged for accordion, mouth-organ and didgeridoo.

    ok, now I kinda want to hear the Requiem performed on a didgeridoo. that would be epic

  7. #7 'Tis Himself, OM
    December 10, 2009

    Miskatonic University

    Lovecraft was inspired by the name of a real town in eastern Connecticut, Mystic. The name has nothing to do with mysticism but is a colonial era mangling of the name of the local Indian tribe, the Mashentuckets.

  8. #8 ospalh
    December 11, 2009

    Hello, my name is Kent Hovind. I’m a creation/science evangelist.

    [Everybody]:HI KENT.

    After all the first of the twele step is

    We admit we were powerless over young Earth creationism?that our lives have become unmanageable.

  9. #9 phi1ip
    December 11, 2009

    darvolution proponentsist @ #321:

    Epic LULz.

    Jadehawk, OM @ #327:

    He may not be Mozart, but Peter Sculthorpe’s Requiem utilises a didj!

  10. #10 Stephen Wells
    December 11, 2009

    @315: I have a Cambridge PhD and I would cheerfully purchase one from Miskatonic if you can get the artwork convincingly… writhing and non-Euclidean. I have a dissertation largely prepared in which I conclusively show that the real reason why global warming must be avoided is that further melting of the Antarctice ice sheet will infallibly release the shoggoths from their subterranean lair, and may even unleash the yet greater and nameless evil that lurks behind the battlements of Kadath in the frozen wastes.

  11. #11 Rog
    December 11, 2009

    does he get one fact right?

    I think the following quote is deomnstrably true:

    “I cannot explain it, because I don?t understand it.”

  12. #12 Nancy New
    December 11, 2009

    This excretion trying to disguise itself as a dissertation adds a whole ‘nother dimension to the idea of a ph.d as “piled higher and deeper.”

    The mind boggles.

  13. #13 'Tis Himself, OM
    December 11, 2009

    Stephen Wells #331

    I have a dissertation largely prepared…

    Does it begin “Hi, my name is Steve Wells.”? Or are you more formal, beginning in the Hovind fashion “Hello, my name is Stephen Wells.”?

    …in which I conclusively show that the real reason why global warming must be avoided is that further melting of the Antarctice ice sheet will infallibly release the shoggoths from their subterranean lair, and may even unleash the yet greater and nameless evil that lurks behind the battlements of Kadath in the frozen wastes.

    Now that’s a reasonable topic for a dissertation.

  14. #14 Carlie
    December 12, 2009

    What are you talking about “NO CITATIONS whatsoever”? Hovind cites the Bible PLENTY of times haha!

    Also once Newsweek.

  15. #15 themadlolscientist
    December 12, 2009

    I can hear the meeting now:

    “Hello, my name is Kent, and I am a Creotard.”

    “Hello, Kent….”

  16. #16 David Marjanovi?
    December 12, 2009

    Accreditation agencies are certified by the US Department of Education.

    <phew>

    Good. That solves the question of who accredits the accreditors. :-)

    Still, that there is such a thing as an accrediting organization with a bad reputation is horrifying.

    page 99: “Some people say that the moon started as a part of the Pacific Ocean and was pulled out of that area. That was taught for many years and is still believe by some.”

    How many plate tectonics deniers can there be left who aren’t YECs in the first place?

    Not to worry, I don’t think he really “went” to high school.

    I have enough.

    The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks

    Case in point: Dan Brown.

    Renowned author Dan Brown staggered through his formulaic opening sentence.

    is there a programme that can turn this document (so-called) into Lolcatz language?

    No. You’ll have to do it by hand.

    “O hai! My naemz is…”

    It’s rather frustrating that I can remember so much Hitchhiker’s Guide trivia, but not enough cases and statutes for my forthcoming exams…

    That’s normal. I remember almost everything that’s interesting and very few of what’s not interesting.

    ok, now I kinda want to hear the Requiem performed on a didgeridoo. that would be epic

    Me too! Me too! <jumping up and down>

  17. #17 Stephen Wells
    December 12, 2009

    @334: it begins with “Ya, ng’ng’ah, Yog-Sothoth”. Some members of the first examining committee survived, but we’re having trouble convening another panel for the resit, partly because only some members _of_ the members of the first committee actually survived.

  18. #18 physicalist1
    December 13, 2009

    is there a programme that can turn this document (so-called) into Lolcatz language?

    No. You’ll have to do it by hand.

    There’s a “speak lolcat” translator here.

    Samples:

    IM, WITHOUT APOLIGY, BIBLE-BELIEVIN CHRISTIAN. I HAS BEEN SAVD 4 TWENTY-2 YEERS BY TEH BLOOD OV JEBUS CHRIST, CEILIN CAT?S SON. I BLEEV DAT CEILIN CAT?S WERD IZ INFALLIBLE AN FLAWLES IN EVRY DETAIL. IF TEH BIBLE SEZ DAT SOMETHIN WUZ CREATD CERTAIN WAI, DEN DAT IZ JUS TEH WAI IT HAPPEND. NAO, AS SCIENCE TEACHR, I WANTS 2 KEEP AN OPEN MIND AN UNDERSTAND Y, HOW, AN WHEN CEILIN CAT CREATD TEH EARTH, IF DOSE THINGS CAN BE KNOWN. THAR R SUM THINGS WE CANT UNDERSTAND, AN SUM THINGS I BLEEV DAT WE CAN.

    . . .

    TEH IDEA DAT EVOLUSHUNISTS TRY 2 GIT ACROS TODAI IZ DAT THAR IZ CONTINUAL UPWARD PROGRESHUN. THEY CLAIM DAT EVRYTHIN IZ GETTIN BETTR, IMPROOVIN, ALL BY ITSELF AS IF THAR IZ AN INNR-DRIV TOWARD MOAR PERFECSHUN AN ORDR. DIS AR TEH TOTALLY OPPOSIET OV TEH FURST AN SECOND LAW OV THERMODYNAMICS. IT GOEZ AGAINST ALL SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE DAT HAS BEEN ACCUMULATD. YET, DIS LIE IZ WUT LOTZ DA DOODZ BLEEV TODAI. WE DON?T C IT HAPPENIN ANYWHERE IN R UNIVERS TODAI. WE DON?T C ANY EVIDENCE OV DIS IN DA FOSIL RECORD.

  19. #19 AnthonyK
    December 14, 2009

    Oh yeah, now I get it. So this is a scientific thesis, huh? A typical one, no doubt. Well, I call Hovindgate on this one.
    Yeah, Hovindgate, in which it is clearly seen that science is just based on belief, and its credentials given away to a god-fearing man, inspired by prayer, on the basis of hearfelt beliefs, and with God as his references.
    Well, I bet PZ’s doctoral thesis is just the same.
    “Hello, My name is PZ Myers, and I’m an atheist..”
    Caught with your pants down, again, eh scientists?
    On a more serious note, does this end with “and then I woke up…”? I don’t know much about scientific theses but I bet that lots of them do end like that.
    ‘Cos that way, they can’t be wrong.

  20. #20 Kukulkan
    December 15, 2009

    I never knew that evolution had eastern and western branches. LOL

  21. #21 Martin
    December 15, 2009

    Carlie @55: “Huh. I tried to find Skip Evans’ fabulous takedown on it, “The Dissertation Kent Hovind Doesn’t Want You to Read”, but now I can’t find it. I can only find references to it. Anyone know where it went?”

    Were you thinking of this piece by Karen Bartelt (a real Ph.D.)?:

    The Dissertation Kent Hovind Doesn’t Want You to Read

  22. #22 LookingforCavemen
    December 15, 2009

    Is this the whole thing? It’s missing chapters 5-10. I really wanted to read “The truth about cavemen”!

  23. #23 Kukulkan
    December 16, 2009

    I never knew that evolution had eastern and western branches. LOL

  24. #24 CortxVortx
    December 17, 2009

    While reading the comments, I just had to listen to “You’re a Fucktard, aren’t you, Kent?” on YouTube:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ge3bDSqKno

  25. #25 Alan
    December 22, 2009

    glenister_m asked “So how long did this thesis take? Less than a month? week? day? afternoon?”

    Hovind says that it took him 9 years to get his PhD. He also says that the fact that Patriot U is unaccredited is no big deal because Harvard, Princeton, and Yale are unaccredited. Seriously.

  26. #26 monado
    January 9, 2010

    By the way, WikiLeaks needs money or equipment support to keep going. Please visit that link again and pitch in with a contribution or some server space. Remember, every penny helps!

  27. #27 StrappingYngLad74
    January 14, 2010

    Page 22- Here’s a nugget of anachronistic genius

    “The Eastern branch (of Evolution) was also developing during this same time. People had traveled from the Tower of Babel to the Eastern countries of India, PAKISTAN, and China.”

    I didn’t know Pakistan existed around the period of the Tower of Babel. I’ve been enlightened!

  28. #28 StrappingYngLad74
    January 14, 2010

    @Kristine

    “Yep, just found one: “Child labor, sweat houses, etc.” I think somebody meant sweat shops?”

    I have to assume he was referring to saunas. It would be against Hovind’s nature to hate a location where men strip down, face each other, and congregate without shame. That could explain his disdain for such establishments.

  29. #29 rastaron
    January 19, 2010

    I just read bits a pieces of this and it sounds like any other paranoid religious psychobabble.

    I grew up a pretty radical fundamentalist Christian Church, and I know psychobabble when I hear it.

    Great for laughs, however :)

  30. #30 vladspeed
    April 11, 2010

    Residence:

    Pensacola, Florida, currently housed in the Federal Correctional Institution, Edgefield (South Carolina)

    Good for him. 98% of inmates are Christians, so he can get a good peer review of his “dissertation”, with more then enough time to defend it (10 years, IIRC).