…and this is a 
My house is in chaos! The cats are yowling in panic! My fingers are fragile little icicles at the ends of my arms! It may be quiet here for a while. This morning, the contractors showed up to install new doors on my house — wonderful energy-efficient insulating doors to replace the old thin sheets of plywood — that were ordered way back in October. The first step, of course, is removing all those old doors, opening up the interior to the open air. In Minnesota. In December. And it's snowing, lightly.
Anyway, if you think this is a perfect opportunity to charge in and penetrate the normally tight security in my lair, I should warn you all that the missing doors are currently manned by burly guys with nail guns and drills, and will soon be replaced with steel-framed thick slabs. With wall-mounted computer-targeted lasers, yeah, that's the ticket, and exploding doorknobs. And I'll be warm again, I hope.
No worries. Doors installed; house warming up. Urge to kill… fading… fading… fading — rising! Fading… fading… gone.
Comments
Posted by: Mikey Nails! | December 2, 2009 1:12 PM
Shouldn't you be at work?
Posted by: Lana | December 2, 2009 1:15 PM
Just watch out for a polo player and a blond with a camera crew. They're liable to show up anywhere.
Posted by: PZ Myers
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December 2, 2009 1:18 PM
I am at work. I work at home this year. And my home is friggin' cold!
Posted by: Michael N. | December 2, 2009 1:22 PM
Whiskey will warm ya up...it's 5:00pm somewhere.
Posted by: uppity cracka | December 2, 2009 1:22 PM
why do we live here?
oh yeah...for the...um...because we're crazy.
Posted by: Glen Davidson
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December 2, 2009 1:24 PM
Um, what's the explanation on the timing? Is it just one of those happy-go-lucky things that contractors do, months after you asked them to do something?
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/mxaa3p
Posted by: Tim | December 2, 2009 1:26 PM
You people from Minnesota are very similar to Canadians: We're all here cause we're not all there!
Posted by: PZ Myers
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December 2, 2009 1:29 PM
Practical tip: when your house is below freezing, it is an excellent time to clean your refrigerator.
Posted by: Janine, She Wolf Of Pharyngula, OM | December 2, 2009 1:32 PM
Reminds of a couple of years ago when we had new windows installed in the middle of January. The high was in single digits that day. Fun day.
Posted by: SEF | December 2, 2009 1:32 PM
Oh noes! Your tiny
tentacleshands are frozen - and sushi should always be fresh. ;-)Posted by: Bevans | December 2, 2009 1:34 PM
Sounds familiar. I've got workers putting an addition on to my house right now, but they frequently leave the sliding door wide open, leaving only a sheet of plastic between me and the harsh winds of our northern wasteland.
Posted by: Ric | December 2, 2009 1:35 PM
They aren't taking out and then putting in one door at a time? That's pretty dumb.
Posted by: Ian | December 2, 2009 1:35 PM
Are you really sure it's just the cold or is your blood getting thinner with age ;O)?
Posted by: Smoggy Batzrubble OM4Jesus | December 2, 2009 1:37 PM
Dear Professor Myers,
Jesus tells me you should relish the cold. He says you will think back longingly to this day when you contemplate the eternity of hellfire stretching ahead of you.
He also said that if you repent of your evil ways he will send the same angel to guard the open doors of your home that guarded the entrance to his empty tomb after the stone was rolled away.
Yours in Christian good cheer
Smoggy
PS On as personal note, if you enjoy living without doors you should move to Noo Zillund where our traditional method of insulation is to use small children and livestock to block the draftiest gaps.
Posted by: IaMoL | December 2, 2009 1:37 PM
The idea of you, Tammeus, not going to heaven or hell - just ceasing to exist cognitively when your heart & brain stop functioning is priceless too. So the "Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!" is on you.Posted by: Brownian, Most Vicious & Petty of Pharyngulites
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December 2, 2009 1:37 PM
Hmm, I remember trying to get a sheet metal guy to replace a furnace in August and having to actually drag his ass on to the roof and hand him flashing in mid-October to get the job done.
Unfortunately, my attractive renovation-loving sister hired him a week after his wife had left him and it occurred to him that working at the pace of one metre of duct/week meant at lot more time hanging out at our place and a lot less time spent alone at his with his cats.
Don't let your pipes freeze.
I'm also mystified at why I live where I do (probably no more than a day's dogsled ride from Tim in #7). Oh why couldn't my parents have decided to emigrate to Tahiti before knocking boots?
Posted by: OneMadClown | December 2, 2009 1:38 PM
OT, but if you don't mind terribly PZ, could you please destroy this nonsense ?
Posted by: lose_the_woo
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December 2, 2009 1:43 PM
So do they realize that they are in the dwelling of the cracker-defiling denzien PZ Myers?!
PZ, I dare you to give one of those guys a Chick Tract if you have one handy.
Posted by: joeyknuccione | December 2, 2009 1:47 PM
Where's your God now PZ? Oh yeah, you don't have one!
See what happens when you desecrate the wafers?
Don't worry, Hell will be much, much warmer!
LOL It's fun acting like a fundie!
Hope the door deal doesn't take too long.
Posted by: Brock | December 2, 2009 1:51 PM
So Hell has frozen over? ;)
At least that's what you'd expect about the Myers lair given the way creationists and other kooks paint things.
If that
white zerg creepsnow finds its way in, make a snowangelsquid for me :)Posted by: Peter Ashby | December 2, 2009 2:03 PM
PZ you are right about freezer defrosting. I'm waiting for a sustained freeze here in Eastern Scotland. Then the freezer contents get packed up and placed on top of the workbench in my unheated, airy, garage workshop overnight while the freezer is defrosted and cleaned. We were almost there recently but it was only half the night. Just been cool and wet so far.
Posted by: Lynna | December 2, 2009 2:04 PM
Tip from a former Alaskan: wear fingerless gloves indoors. That will help a lot with finger dexterity while you're typing. If you don't have a pair, just cut the finger tips off an old pair of gloves.
Yours in solidarity,
Lynna
Posted by: blf | December 2, 2009 2:05 PM
The snow and ice is lonely. They want to friends. Invite them into your house for a drink.
Tip: “On the rocks" doesn't go over very well. They are liable to see some of their colleagues bobbing around in the drinks.
Posted by: Rrr | December 2, 2009 2:15 PM
So, wrap ALL your fingers (not just the middle one!) around a hot, reasonably large cup of mulled wine (glühwein, glögg) wonderfully spiced with cinnamon, cardamom, citrus rind, cloves et c, perhaps souped up with some Schnapps or Kirschwasser, and then glug away. Or, if the burly guys with nail guns and drills haven't materialised yet, first get your ass off to your friendly neighbor building supply and acquire some suitable cellfoam plastic to insulate the door openings meanwhile.
Also, ISTR you have a trophy wife somewhere around the house?
Should any Bad Guys appear, all you have to do is breathe upon them and they will surely dissolve forthwith into a thin myst.
Posted by: Alyson Miers | December 2, 2009 2:19 PM
From the link at #17:
Over the years I've found that ill-tempered guardians of scientific truth can't abide
speculativeuntestable thinking.Fixed that for ya, Mr. Chopra.
Posted by: Rrr | December 2, 2009 2:25 PM
But PLEASE remember to take gloves off hands before snippage!!Recalling that old after-text advert: "For sale: Gloves for ladies with cut off fingers"
Posted by: The Pint
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December 2, 2009 2:34 PM
A cold home is the perfect time to brew up some hot drinks: mulled spiced wine (or cider - which can be made without any liquor, but really, what's the point then?) usually does the trick, although I've also found that liquor + tea can actually be rather pleasant. Try brewing up a generous mug of chamomile, add honey, a dash of lemon juice & a shot of vodka. That'll knock the cold right out (and the hot mug under one's freezing digits is heavenly).
Posted by: vanharris
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December 2, 2009 2:44 PM
Errrr, what does the trophy wife think of this? The usually uxorious PZ hasn't mentioned her.
Posted by: Desert Son, OM
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December 2, 2009 2:49 PM
My guess she's at work . . . which likely has heat.
Still learning,
Robert
Posted by: blf | December 2, 2009 3:03 PM
Little Pee Zed is being his uxorious self: It was the trophy wife's idea to replace the doors. My understanding of the manual is Don't. Blame. The. Wife. Ever.
</snark>
Posted by: heironymous
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December 2, 2009 3:07 PM
My experience is that it's cold in Minnesota in December. Go to a copy shop with Wi-fi
Posted by: Colin Meier | December 2, 2009 3:10 PM
Hey, PZ. If all those jocks with drills are making you feel unpleasantly ubergeeky, just show 'em your Porn Gun(tm)!
Posted by: Colin Meier | December 2, 2009 3:11 PM
Plus, y'know, friction causes heat.
[dons cape, flies away]
Posted by: Religion™ Brand Brain Staples | December 2, 2009 3:23 PM
The exploding doorknobs were a nice touch.
If you're trying to work at your computer and can touch type, I'd highly recommend putting a blanket or fluffy towel over your hands and keyboard. Wonderful heat retention without loss of tactile feedback.
It worked for me last time I had to type in freezing conditions!
Posted by: Desert Son, OM
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December 2, 2009 3:38 PM
This is brilliant and I'm only mildly annoyed that I didn't think of it.
Barkeep! Hot toddy for Religion™ Brand Brain Staples (unless in Southern Hemisphere, in which case, frosty cold beverage)!
Still learning,
Robert
Posted by: Blondin | December 2, 2009 3:45 PM
Which reminds me of this one: "For Sale - baby grand piano by elderly woman with beautifully carved legs."Posted by: Desert Son, OM
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December 2, 2009 3:51 PM
Lols, I say.
Still learning,
Robert
Posted by: tsg | December 2, 2009 3:55 PM
"I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know."
Posted by: SEF | December 2, 2009 3:55 PM
@ #34:
Perhaps a sheet of clear bubble-wrap would work for those who do need to see their keyboards a little bit.
Posted by: athena | December 2, 2009 4:01 PM
You wanna know why construction folk show up at the most inopportune time? It's in their contract: #1. Provide the most inconvenience, mess, disruption, noise, etc. when your victim, er..customer, least expects it. None of my home improvement projects have been pleasant for me. The worst was when the roofer fell through the roof window. The second worst was the siding guy who cut through a live electrical wire and got knocked off his (metal)ladder. He was ok, thank dog. Starting to think this house has a jinx....
Posted by: Chris | December 2, 2009 4:05 PM
I had no idea you were a The Simpsons fan.
Posted by: 'Tis Himself, Quel Dommage
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December 2, 2009 4:44 PM
Those evo-devo biologists have all the fun.
Posted by: Ted Powell | December 2, 2009 4:45 PM
I take it that you removed all the old doors at the same time, so the wind could blow through. Sounds like the inverse (albeit milder) of this story: http://thedailywtf.com/Articles/Classic-WTF-Keepin-It-Cool.aspx
Posted by: Electric Monk's Horse
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December 2, 2009 5:11 PM
When I was 15, my dad decided to add fiberglass insulation to the attic. In August. In the Quad Cities (90+F for daytime highs.) Had to wear long sleeved shirts, dust masks, and hard hats (many nails protruded through the roof sheathing.) We worked from 5am to 10am each day, then had to quit. I hereby give PZ permission to dwell on my experience to warm himself, if I can trade it in for some cooling next summer.
Posted by: DominEditrix | December 2, 2009 5:12 PM
Do none of you know the concept of a completion clause? That little phrase in the contract that says the work shall be completed by X date or the fee goes down by X amount? I have found it very useful in getting work done on time.
I'd be surprised if the cats haven't planned some sort of revenge for the cold, especially if PZ didn't let them out through the door into summer. The last time I had a cat in winter, he made it clear to me that he was not amused by the ambient temperature. Oh, well, I never liked that pillow anyway.
Posted by: Keenacat
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December 2, 2009 5:19 PM
SEF @ #39:
Maybe, if you're not the compulsive type. I can easily imagine myself trying to disintegrate those annoying bubbles...
*plopp*
*plopp* *plopp*
*plopp*
*plopp*
(With plopp being the sound bursting bubble-wrap-bubbles make when heard by a german gal... Does anybody mind to fix me up with the english correspondent? *bam* was too "loud".)
*drool*
Posted by: Brownian, Most Vicious & Petty of Pharyngulites
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December 2, 2009 5:36 PM
I wonder if there's a connection between the general godlessness of Northerners, especially in Europe, and the conception of hell as a hot place. When you're scraping the frost from your windshield with your Canadian Tire credit card because the buses aren't even running and you're late for work, the thought of a place of eternal heat isn't so deterring.
Too bad God didn't have the foresight to predict he'd need scare tactics for those of his followers who don't bundle up to keep out the heat.
@Keenacat I believe the sound as described in English would be 'pop'. It's a verb too; we'd say "I was busy popping bubble wrap."
Posted by: rawnaeris
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December 2, 2009 5:38 PM
It snowed, lightly, in North Texas today. I think this may mean that hell just froze over.
Posted by: DazedNConfuzed | December 2, 2009 5:40 PM
@PZ and his practical tips.
It's also a great time to clean your liquor cabinet ;)...
Unless of course you're talking your beer fridge when you say refrigerator.
You do have a fridge solely dedicated to such things, right? :) Any self respecting atheist must keep a large stash of demon alcohol handy. You know, just in-case you got possessed by the holy spirit...
You know what they say... diet, and exorcize :).
Glad to hear you're warm again.
Posted by: Silič O'Nopolitanopoulos, Färschdbischuf Beesknees aus Ulm und Klein Elguth, Elector Pharynguline.
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December 2, 2009 7:02 PM
You do realise, of course, that that'll be even worse for your fuel economy than the plywood, right?Posted by: Katrina | December 2, 2009 7:28 PM
@ Keenacat,
Will this help?
http://www.virtual-bubblewrap.com/popnow.shtml
Posted by: TheBlackCat | December 2, 2009 7:58 PM
Exploding doorknobs are a terrible idea, that will open up holes in the door that will let in the cold. You need to electrify the doorknobs.
Posted by: Craig | December 2, 2009 9:36 PM
And of course no beer and no TV make Homer something something...
Posted by: Charlie Foxtrot
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December 2, 2009 9:50 PM
Go mad?
Posted by: MAJeff, OM
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December 2, 2009 9:53 PM
Don't mind if I do!
Posted by: Aratina Cage
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December 2, 2009 10:13 PM
Hilarious addendum. Glad they got the doors on before you reached the point of no return.
Posted by: evil9000
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December 3, 2009 1:07 AM
Another example of Man Made Global Warming... the cat dont mind alittle heat though do they?
Posted by: blf | December 3, 2009 1:46 AM
As TheBlackCat (@62) observed, the traditional exploding doorknob, after being used, tends to require another bout of cat freezing when the door is replaced. Furthermore, during the contractually-required multiple months until the installers show up, you don't have a door. Steel slab doors are not immune to this problem, being effective only if your defensive doorknobs merely going plopp rather than bam!
For these reasons I recommend a fairly recent development in doorknob defence, the RPG doorknob. RPG doorknobs put a serious dent in the jehovah's witness without damaging the door. They can be reloaded and used again. With a advanced detection and ranging system (such as a loud dog), they can be set to fire soon after the mailman comes into range, thus eliminating the problem of the smoking mess on the doorstep.
Finally, in the interval between firing and reloading, the door still cannot be breached. Even so, as a precaution, what some people like to do is keep a pointed stick handy, just in case another gossip of avon ladies arrives before reloading; jabbing the eyes through the keyhole is quite effective.
Posted by: eddie
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December 3, 2009 4:22 AM
An interesting take on an old cliche - http://www.zazzle.com/evolution_stop_following_me_tshirt-235419645702728538
Posted by: Jonas F. | December 3, 2009 9:39 AM
Poor guy. Though, mind you, we've got it pretty bad over here in Stockholm, Sweden, too.
I don't exactly know how bad it gets in Minnesota, but according to my prime news source (from Lake Wobegon) it really gets to your soul...
Posted by: Keenacat
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December 3, 2009 11:52 AM
Katrina @51:
You are evil.
I'm off popping. Dissertation stuff is postponed until an undefined point in the future.
Posted by: Sarah | December 3, 2009 1:13 PM
Surely you must have the cats attack-trained....
Posted by: Marc Abian | December 3, 2009 4:09 PM
Go crazy actually.
Worst quoting ever.
No, I can't let it slide. I'm sorry.
Posted by: Chris Swanson | December 4, 2009 3:04 PM
Man, you have a lair? I want a lair. :( The best I can manage is a hovel.
Posted by: Class 3 License | December 5, 2009 3:08 AM
Doing some browsing and noticed your website looks a bit messed up in my K-meleon browser. But luckily hardly anybody uses it any longer but you might want to look into it.
Posted by: eddie
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December 31, 2009 12:11 AM
Class 3 License, I think Movable Type has enough difficulty with bog standard browsers like say, iExplore. Don't hold your breath.