Pharyngula

Cruel, cruel readers

I was just trying to get through the email I neglected yesterday, and then someone sent me a bomb through the web: a link that gave me sympathetic heart pains and some ghastly flashbacks.

Behold, the Bacon-Chicken-Narwhal!

i-800ba2fc8a3e03c86b4e1109d1da05c0-bacon_narwhal.jpeg

I couldn’t eat that. I have a cardiovascular system, and I need it to stay alive, unlike some people. That was the first cruelty, the provocation of delicious temptation. The second cruelty is the word “narwhal”, which triggers this painful memory.

I’ve got 5 hours or so of driving on windswept empty roads through some of the flattest prairie around, and now I’m going to have that in my head the whole time.

Comments

  1. #1 cousinavi.wordpress.com
    January 10, 2010

    Inventors of the shish kabob.

    Genius. I love it.

  2. #2 sgiffy
    January 10, 2010

    The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

    The PZ Rule: Do unto others what has been done unto you.

    I prefer the later.

    Narwhals! Narwhals!

  3. #3 Sili
    January 10, 2010

    Great. Now you are gonna be pulled aside for special interrogation at the border.

  4. #4 ted.dahlberg
    January 10, 2010

    Curse you! I had just about managed to forget the existence of that song. Now I can’t… stop… listening… gnarghll… *death rattle*

  5. #5 Gregory Greenwood
    January 10, 2010

    I truly had no idea that such an intensly annoying song was even a physical possibility, let alone prowled the internet looking for innocent ears to violate.

    Why,PZ? Why did you do this to us?

    If it was a choice between being forced to listen to this song for hours on end or being eaten by Cthulhu, I think I would rather be eaten by our tentacled overlord. At least the pain would be over quickly.

    Now I must search my conscience and ask myself; do I hate anyone enough to send them this song?

    *Thinks fo a moment, then reaches for Ray Comfort’s e-mail address*

  6. #6 'Tis Himself, OM
    January 10, 2010

    How can you diss narwhals? As the song explains: “They stop Cthulu eating ye.” That’s an important function that only narwhals can perform.

  7. #7 eddie
    January 10, 2010

    Only thing to do is share the pain. That’s why I put it on my FB page.

  8. #8 Gregory Greenwood
    January 10, 2010

    Sili @ 3;

    Great. Now you are gonna be pulled aside for special interrogation at the border.

    I can just see the poor, unsuspecting border guards right now…

    Border Guard Control; “Come in, Outpost A, Come in. Over”

    Outpost A Guard; “I hear you, Control. Over”

    Control; “How are you guys doing out there?”

    Guard; “Oh, you know the usual stuff. Being jerks for the hell of it. Brandishing our guns to random travellers because we can. Beating up and detaining geeky academics for giggles…”

    Control; “I hear you, good buddy. Yee Haw!”

    Guard; *sigh* “Everytime you say that you are perpetuating a negative stereotype about Americans. You realise that right?”

    Control; “oh, err, right. Sorry.”

    Guard; “Hold on… here comes a likely looking one now. Hey wait a second. It is that atheist PZ guy.”

    Control; “No way. Your messing with me.”

    Guard; “Seriously, its him!”

    Control; “Oh, you’ve got to get him! Go on, give him the works!”

    Guard; “Oh yeah (snicker)”

    Guard (to PZ); Please stop right there sir, this won’t take a minute…

    PZ; “Of course, Officer.”

    Guard; *listens to quiet strains of Narwhal song* What the hell… Oh Jesus! He’s got that Narwhal song playing! Help! I need backup, Now! Please help me! Gaarrrghhh!

    Control; “Come In! Come in, Outpost A! Goddamit Jim, answer me!”

    Control; “Calling all stations. Calling all stations. We have an atheist on the loose. His name is PZ ‘Meirs’. He has the Narwhal song, and he is not afraid to use it. He has already taken out one border post. He is to be considered armed and dangerous.”

  9. #9 blf
    January 10, 2010

    If it was a choice between being forced to listen to this song for hours on end or being eaten by Cthulhu, I think I would rather be eaten by our tentacled overlord. At least the pain would be over quickly.

    Not if the Great Elder One wraps you in bacon to make a Bacon-Englishman-Narwhal, and then cooks you, all the while humming the song…

  10. #10 gv.shekar
    January 10, 2010

    I see PZ hasn’t forgotten about the Narwhal song I sent him a long time ago :P

  11. #11 Zeno
    January 10, 2010

    “Just don’t let ‘em touch your balls.”

    Good advice in many circumstances. For example, in the ocean with narwhals, in parochial school with priests. It works on multiple levels.

  12. #12 Bone Oboe
    January 10, 2010

    N..n..n.not the Narwhals…
    At least a bacon Narwhal is better than a BAK-47

    Though, the Narwhal could probably use the BAK-47 to either
    compel you to let him touch your balls or better keep Cthulu at bay.

  13. #13 Eric R
    January 10, 2010
  14. #14 Romeo Vitelli
    January 10, 2010

    Think of how the poor narwhals feel. It’s not as if they’re getting royalties.

  15. #15 Menyambal
    January 10, 2010

    They are also the guys who did the “Blimp” song about helium, http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/blimp/. The link takes you to the original flash vid on their website…watch out because that song starts off LOUD.

  16. #16 Sastra
    January 10, 2010

    Frankly, for pure fishy enjoyment that never, ever leaves your brain, I prefer this one:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKDtUzRIG6I

  17. #17 Menyambal
    January 10, 2010

    By the way, going straight to the Weebl’s site, http://www.weebls-stuff.com/, lets you listen to the original songs in an un-ending Flash loop. All frickin’ day long.

  18. #18 Bone Oboe
    January 10, 2010
  19. #19 Sili
    January 10, 2010

    Though, the Narwhal could probably use the BAK-47 to either
    compel you to let him touch your balls or better keep Cthulu at bay.

    Nah, they need it to kill the bazooka-armed orca and moose ridden by Zac Efron.

  20. #20 CluelessPedestrian
    January 10, 2010

    “Thinks for a While, then reaches for Ray Comfort’s email adress ”

    You magnificent bastard. I just need the discovery institute’s email. They’ll never see it coming.

  21. #21 Bone Oboe
    January 10, 2010

    Nah, they need it to kill the bazooka-armed orca and moose ridden by Zac Efron.

    I saw that Richard Harris movie, an orca doesn’t need a bazooka to wreak bloody havoc.

    A moose ridden by Zac Efron is an image too disturbing for many more words…
    Was he curious about “…Moose Stuff…”?
    Whether ridden in the “Lady Godiva” idiom, or “ridden” in the same sense of “know” in the biblical, some sort of northern territory inter-species erotica; yes, too disturbing for too many more words. Thus, then end of this comment.

  22. #22 Sili
    January 10, 2010

    Well, if you want to get all technical on me, it’s Zac Efron, halfnaked, riding a elk with a bazooka, riding an orca with a bazooka.

  23. #23 summerwino
    January 10, 2010

    Wait… are narwhals kosher otherwise?

  24. #24 Bone Oboe
    January 10, 2010

    Sili,

    I see.

  25. #25 Bone Oboe
    January 10, 2010

    I would add that I am amazed that the comment sign in hasn’t been giving me anywhere near the same amount of watery shit that it once did.

  26. #26 blf
    January 10, 2010

    I am amazed that the comment sign in hasn’t been giving me anywhere near the same amount of watery shit that it once did.

    Narwhals are effective against more than just Cthulhu.

  27. #27 dude070012
    January 10, 2010

    hey Id pay big bucks to see video of PZ singing Narwals

  28. #28 jan
    January 10, 2010

    stop complaining. this is much better than autotune or vocorder or whatever you call it.

  29. #29 Gregory Greenwood
    January 10, 2010

    blf @ 9;

    Not if the Great Elder One wraps you in bacon to make a Bacon-Englishman-Narwhal, and then cooks you, all the while humming the song?

    You make a persuasive argument. At least I would meet my end providing our squidy lord with some proper nourishment.

    *Cue Dvorak’s New World Symphony A.K.A the Hovis music*

    Hovis Advert Announcer; “A proper Bacon-Englishman-Narwhal is made from generous rashers of finest quality bacon, wrapped around a whole, succulent, free-range Englishman and lightly garnished with ground Narwhal horn. This is then Sandwiched between two slices of Hovis Best Granary.

    Just like The Elder Gods used to make when Cthulhu was a spawnling…”

  30. #30 Gregory Greenwood
    January 10, 2010

    CluelessPedestrian @ 20;

    Thank you. The magnificence of my bastard-ness has oft been remarked upon.

    Oh, and by the way; Welcome to the Dark Side.
    Don’t feel bad about doing it. If anyone deserves the unmitigated evil of this song, it is the Banana Man.

  31. #31 Gregory Greenwood
    January 10, 2010

    Sorry, blockquote-fail there.

  32. #32 Bone Oboe
    January 10, 2010

    @ #30

    the unmitigated evil of this song

    The endless loop version on the site noted above would be pure, distilled evil.

    I just try to imagine Primus having a go at it, and it’s not so bad, but, like Ora-gel on a canker sore; it only works for just so long. Also, narwhals are nautical enough to dovetail right in with John the Fisherman, Fish On and The Ol’ Diamondback Sturgeon.

    #26

    Narwhals are effective against more than just Cthulhu.

    I’d love to set one up in some sort of Home Alone style booby-trap for missionaries and J. Witnesses. As soon as they touch the door bell, I can pull a lever and send a narwhal careening from above to Nar their Whal but good. According to anecdotes, Bibles occasionally stop bullets, saving the faithful owner? I’d like to see if all that onion skin would stop a falling, swinging or otherwise propelled narwhal.

  33. #33 Bone Oboe
    January 10, 2010

    …?Sing me a song, you’re the Banana Man.?

  34. #34 unikraken
    January 10, 2010

    I was totally unprepared for this. I feel so… violated.

  35. #35 ian.k.alexander
    January 10, 2010

    Now I am filled with unmitigated envy for whomever possesses a bacon-chicken-narwhal.

    And the video is pure evil and has infected my mind with a constant background noise of how awesome Narwhals are.

    Thanks for ruining my Sunday, PZ!

  36. #36 https://me.yahoo.com/wmdkitty#83021
    January 10, 2010

    Oh, fffuuuu-

    I’m going to go inflict that on my fellow FSTDTers now.

  37. #37 https://me.yahoo.com/hairychris444#96384
    January 10, 2010

    The 2 best things I saw all day.

    Weebl keeps coming out with catchy/annoying songs.

  38. #38 llewelly
    January 10, 2010

    There is something I need to say here – all that meat and fat and so forth is safe to eat, provided you actually use it. To a first approximation, all fat you burn is good fat, and all fat you don’t burn is bad fat. You can happily eat the bacon-chicken narwhal, so long as you get out of your cubicle and get some fucking exercise.

  39. #39 Midnight Rambler
    January 10, 2010

    llewelly – Did you look at the actual recipe? For each chicken breast that makes up the body it adds 6 strips of bacon, two pieces of pepperoni, a dollop of sour cream (goes in the middle), and a large piece of cheese (the horn). That takes more burning off than a jog in the park.

    That said, I can’t understand the people ragging on the song. It’s hilarious, but I don’t find it sticking in my head at all. I looked at some of their other ones and this is the best by far.

  40. #40 CTC
    January 10, 2010

    If you had some goats handy, you could make bacon chicken narwhal GOATS ON FIRE kebabs.

  41. #41 llewelly
    January 10, 2010

    That takes more burning off than a jog in the park.

    My apologies. It did not occur to me that someone would think “a jog in the park” would be significant exercise. In the world I grew up in, you’re not done jogging until the park is far behind, and you’ve gone over a few hills. And usually, you go around the park, not through it, because most parks are frequented by too many lawbreaking dog owners.

  42. #42 monado
    January 10, 2010

    What is that thing on its snout, a parsnip!?

    More bacony goodness: “The Simpsons” 20-year anniversary special tonight showed bacon doughnuts from the Voodoo Doughnuts shop.

  43. #43 Nerd of Redhead, OM
    January 10, 2010

    What is that thing on its snout, a parsnip!?

    No, cheese.

  44. #44 monado
    January 11, 2010

    To generalize wildly, almost everyone thinks that what they do and how they think is practically universal. When and where I grew up, running a mile was a lot. Now, many of my friends regularly run two or three miles. They think they’re normal. Then I fell in with runners. The ones who run 15 miles a week think that’s the right amount. The ones who run 40 miles a week think they’re just ordinary guys (or gals). They look up to the ones who run 100 miles a week and wonder where they find the time. The ones who run marathons look up to the ultramarathoners, who train to do 50-mile or 100-mile races. They never look back to when they thought a mile was a long way.

    Same with biking: 2 miles, 8 miles, 15 miles, 25, 50, those who go out and bike 100 miles or more in a day… each one thinks they’re normal.

    And when you’re driving–isn’t the world made up of maniacs and slowpokes, with hardly anyone else {zippy | sensible | careful} like you?

    What I’m hearing these days is that you need about 3 miles or 5 km. of walking a day just to stay healthy. (That’s your 10,000 steps.) But if you go out and run or bike or swim or dance for a few hours, you can eat a bacony narwhal. Or you could decide it serves eight.

  45. #45 Autumn
    January 11, 2010

    Everyone is always overgeneralizing!
    Every time.

  46. #46 SaintStephen
    January 11, 2010

    No offense, Professor Myers, but that was the silliest damn thing I’ve ever seen.

    I mean it. Numero Uno. El Goofio Mas Macho, right there. Simply batshit weird-a-troid.

    My congratulations on your achievement.

  47. #47 SaintStephen
    January 11, 2010

    I’m sorry, I was wrong in my previous post.

    The “badger” song (Eric R in #13) is sillier by an order of magnitude.

    Narwhals… I now know badgers, and YOU’RE NO BADGERS.

  48. #48 Bone Oboe
    January 11, 2010

    No one? No one’s gonna’ take the bait? Okay, I’m up too late and have had too many seasonal “Spring” Blue Moons for my own good; also too much thinly sliced beef tenderloin and refried black frijoles. So, I’m clearly not in my right mind or digestive tract.

    YOU’RE NO BADGERS

    Badgers? We don’t need no stinking badgers!

    Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. U.S. Pacific time that is. I stand, or rather recline in awe of those that remain cogent and informative beyond the gossamer collective nighty-night time.

    What ever that may be. Even if it’s up to the commenter’s discretion.

    Extra tentacles for them. Their choice of course, sauteed for tempura fried…

    Good night, in any and all applicable dialects.

  49. #49 Midnight Rambler
    January 11, 2010

    Mmm…Badgers is silly, but not as funny as Narwhals, or this one or this one.

  50. #50 AGH
    January 11, 2010

    Curse you, PZ! Now I can’t get that song out of my head. I’m going to eat a pound of bacon today because I CAN!

  51. #51 'Tis Himself, OM
    January 11, 2010

    A question just occurred to me. What is the basis for the prohibition against narwhals touching testicles?

  52. #52 Gregory Greenwood
    January 11, 2010

    ‘Tis Himself, OM @ 51;

    A question just occurred to me. What is the basis for the prohibition against narwhals touching testicles?

    Judging from the associated animation, it is not so much the touching of testicles that is a cause for concern as the potential for impalement of same on the Nawhal’s horn.

    I think we can all agree that, barring truly exceptional circumstances, such impalement may generally be considered a bad thing.

  53. #53 cnocspeireag
    January 12, 2010

    But surely the Narwhal Song is Ray Comfort’s favourite piece, at least when he wants some real highbrow lisn’n.

  54. #54 pnrjulius
    January 12, 2010

    They put a surprising amount of effort into a silly little song about narwhals. I’m not sure whether they should be proud or ashamed.

  55. #55 pnrjulius
    January 12, 2010

    By the way, this is further evidence for memetics. We can all become infected by a memetic virus against our will.

  56. #56 cuco3
    January 15, 2010

    For those interested in the real thing, there are some nice photos here:
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/earth/hi/earth_news/newsid_8457000/8457342.stm

The site is undergoing maintenance presently. Commenting has been disabled. Please check back later!