Pharyngula

I had no idea it was so easy

Have you ever seen the True Christian, the kind that will calmly and confidently tell you the most insane and ridiculous things as if he were ordering a cup of coffee? Meet Randy Demain. He has raised the dead, and does it all the time. It’s easy. You just go up to an old corpse and tell it to get up, and poof, it’ll hop up and start running around.

It helps if you annoy him by interrupting his sermonizing, so he’s a bit cranky about the effrontery of the dead person for interfering with his preaching.

The psychology of these wacked out liars and fantasists for Jesus is fascinating. Also creepy.

Comments

  1. #1 Rorschach
    January 14, 2010

    The psychology of these wacked out liars for Jesus is fascinating. Also creepy.

    Pathological is the term, I believe.

  2. #2 SEF
    January 14, 2010

    Randy Demain

    But what is he like today? ;-)

  3. #3 renaissanceblonde
    January 14, 2010

    Wow, just wow. Lying for Jebus?

  4. #4 swamifred
    January 14, 2010

    Jesus will reward you for lying, as long as more people fall for it, right?

  5. #5 Cogito
    January 14, 2010

    “I wanna talk to you just for a few moments today about raising the dead. It’s a reality that’s happening all over the world today in increasing, uh, momentim [sic] and numbers.”

    Eloquence.

  6. #6 386sx for a hundred, Alex!!
    January 14, 2010

    “Yes I have authority,” he says nonchalantly. Oh by the way, he just happens to have authority. A minor point, I’m sure!

  7. #7 Cogito
    January 14, 2010

    “Many people are being raised from the dead all over the United States and third world countries all around the world. It’s a very exciting time to be living in.”

    Wouldn’t it be an even more exciting time to be dead? Also, I love how this is happening in the US and “third world countries all over the world”. Guess that means we’re same from zombies here in Sweden, or are we a third world country?

  8. #8 Cogito
    January 14, 2010

    Dang, I meant “safe”…

  9. #9 386sx for a hundred, Alex!!
    January 14, 2010

    “Yes I have authority,” he says nonchalantly. Oh by the way, he just happens to have authority. A minor point, I’m sure!

    That would be authority from God, by the way. (Just in case nobody made it past the first few seconds before the onset of head explosionitis.)

  10. #10 MutantJedi
    January 14, 2010

    @ Cogito, I noticed the all over the world definition too “the United States and third world countries” haha.

  11. #11 Strangest brew
    January 14, 2010

    An xian Necromancer well! well! well!…when you see so much looney tune in their legions… seems guaranteed that there is always more sludge in their sump!

    Just how much sludge seems limitless!
    And folks still want to be xian…fuckin dim bats the lot of ‘em!

  12. #12 Vinnie
    January 14, 2010

    “Many people are being raised from the dead all over the United States and third world countries all around the world. It’s a very exciting time to be living in.”

    It’s an amazing time to be a zombie hunter.

  13. #13 sajuukcor76
    January 14, 2010

    “It’s a reality that’s happening all over the world today”

    Zombie Apocalypse! Time to start stockpiling guns, ammo, food and water!

  14. #14 https://www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawl3TpOVyxxwCT5cVU3M80c_cpxoMBZmiOQ
    January 14, 2010

    So any clues why this is not happening in, say, Europe?

  15. #15 Gregory Greenwood
    January 14, 2010

    I can just see Randy Demain now, still covered in dirt from his latest grave robbing expedition in search of ‘spare parts’, standing in a lab filled with arcane (and wholly scientifically impractical) Pseudo-Victorian era brass equipment.

    Lightening flashes overhead, electricity arcs between huge electrodes for no apparent reason. Dr. Demain flips a huge trip-switch, and power flows into the tank before him. Within the amniotic fluids inside the tank, a stitched together monstrosity stirs into an abominable facsimilie of animation.

    Randy, his staring eyes and mad face twisted into a triumphal grimace, is illuminated only by the flickering lightening. As thunder crashes overhead, Randy’s manic screams rise above the tumult;

    “Praise God! Its ALIVE!!!”

  16. #16 Spiro Keat
    January 14, 2010

    He doesn’t worry me, he’s just mentally ill; it’s the people who believe what he’s saying that worry me.

  17. #17 andrew.davison
    January 14, 2010

    No only that, but the leopards are also cleansed. Like a mobile big cat wash I guess.

  18. #18 kalox
    January 14, 2010

    That is just about the creepiest thing I have ever seen.

  19. #19 CunningLingus
    January 14, 2010

    How this imbecile can even spout this drivel with a straight face is astounding. Even more astounding is that xian sycophants will actually believe it, although they already believe some pretty whacked out shit to begin with.

    “Civilization will not attain perfection until the last stone, from the last church, falls on the last priest.” Émile Zola

  20. #20 sunioc
    January 14, 2010

    It’s funny, I’m pretty sure the verse he references is Jesus talking to his disciples, and giving them (and only them) the powers he describes. You’d think someone who takes the bible literally would at least take the bible literally.

  21. #21 maggotpunk
    January 14, 2010

    Sounds like this guy can easily pick up Randi’s million dollar prize. What’s he waiting for? Somehow I think his magical powers will fade when there are skeptics in the room. Happens all the time.

  22. #22 Greginnd
    January 14, 2010

    “Hyperfaith” ??

    Let me get this straight. She is stiff with rigor mortis and proceeds to steal the money and run?

    MUWAHAHAHAHA I guess it does take hyperfaith to believe this story. It’s almost as good as the one I heard recently. Seems some guy claimed he was the illegitimate son of an all powerful being. Then he was killed for being crazy and folks claim he woke up a few days later and started flying.

    Hyperfaith. I have to remember that.

  23. #23 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    January 14, 2010

    Hyperstupid

  24. #24 Becky
    January 14, 2010

    I believe him!
    When I lived in Florida, I got stuck behind the driving dead all the time.

  25. #25 charley
    January 14, 2010

    I’m not so sure he’s stupid or deranged. I think he just lies for a living.

  26. #26 Ayhwh
    January 14, 2010

    “No only that, but the leopards are also cleansed. Like a mobile big cat wash I guess.” – andrew.davison

    I’m glad I am not the only one that picked up on the cleansing of the leopards. I wouldn’t want to be the one giving that big cat a bath. My house cats hate water . . . you would probably lose a limb bathing a leopard!! HAHAAHAHAHA

    What a wacko!

  27. #27 Ayhwh
    January 14, 2010

    Once you start lying for a living it is hard to stop.

  28. #28 irarosofsky
    January 14, 2010

    Okay, He can raise the dead, but I still want to know Why God Won’t Health Amputees?!

    http://whywontgodhealamputees.com/

  29. #29 Andreas Johansson
    January 14, 2010

    Also, I love how this is happening in the US and “third world countries all over the world”.

    I took that to be one of the obvious clues this is an OTT parody. Reading the comments here makes me feel less sure, scarily enough …

  30. #30 CailinBan
    January 14, 2010

    That’s creepy. But even if it were true, think of the implications (by their own standards): people die and go to Heaven (assuming they’re True Christians). They’re getting it on, doing all the worshipping and extasy, and then they’re whisked away from that by this interfering gobshite, back to the evil and iniquity of this world. They wouldn’t thank him.

    Or, the story of the woman in Africa. He said she was so interested to hear about Jesus once she’d come back to life. Er, wouldn’t she have MET Jesus! Before being denounced and sent to the fiery place. She’d know ALL about it, wouldn’t need this guy to tell her. And she’d convert in a heartbeat, of course she would.

    And he didn’t say what was wrong with her. What had she died of? Whatever it was, was it fixed? Or would it kill her again.

    I’m a writer, and I recognise a plot hole when I see one. Or in this case, a plot sieve.

    Oh, and the reason Europeans can’t do this is because we’re not in touch enough with our spiritual side, we’re too ‘sophisticated’ (I’m paraphrasing). What that says about this guys own countrymen you’d have to wonder!

  31. #31 bubbabubba666
    January 14, 2010

    I watched him and I see every sign that he is a con man. I do not believe he is a “true believer”. It’s possible it’s a parody/POE, but if it is it is so good I never once saw it.

  32. #32 Ring Tailed Lemurian
    January 14, 2010

    irarosofsky #28

    God does heal amputees. You just don’t understand how it works.
    He raises the amputated limbs from the dead, and, if the amputees went and found the limbs, they could magically reattach them. Unfortunately, evil doctors (doing Satan’s work in order to sow doubt amongst the faithful) dispose of amputated limbs at the first opportunity so they can’t. You have to keep your limb around your house, and next to you when you pray.

    I was told this last year by an evangelistic Ghanaian after I’d asked him that question.

  33. #33 CailinBan
    January 14, 2010

    Oh, and think of the implications. Many of these people would have death certificates already. Their relatives would be queuing up at the probate office. The dead person wouldn’t have a chance of getting their wealth back.

  34. #34 Tink
    January 14, 2010

    Incredible….. He said ALL THAT with a straight face. Pathological liars are truly amazing,

  35. #35 Pastor Farm
    January 14, 2010

    So he’s callously pulling these poor dead souls out of Heaven and bringing them back to the comparative shit-hole that is Earth. And the first thing they get to see is his face?

    Jesus! What an asshole!

  36. #36 ElectricBarbarella
    January 14, 2010

    @24

    I am in Florida now (born and raised sadly) and I can assure you this guy is for real. My town has his calling card all over–they even drive golf carts on public roads!!

    I swear it’s like some zombie upheaval for Jesus here. There’s a church on every corner and their parking lots are filled with zombified golf cart drivers!

    ~Toni

  37. #37 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    January 14, 2010

    I wonder if he can raise the housing market from the dead? I need a new lens and a couple of sales by Mrs. BigDumbChimp could sure hasten that.

  38. #38 Flea
    January 14, 2010

    Was this guy one of the christian fucktards that went to Uganda to tell them gays should be killed? Anyway, I like how he says bye in the video: “God bless you, gay men”.

  39. #39 Zeno
    January 14, 2010

    “Westernized Christians have made raising the dead much too difficult.”

    Such a problem this is!

  40. #40 lifeishard
    January 14, 2010

    Isn’t this guy great or what?

  41. #41 DLC
    January 14, 2010

    He does not believe his own story.

  42. #42 nigelTheBold
    January 14, 2010

    He was angry at Satan for killing the woman, which led to the interruption of his sermon. He was angry about the interruption, not the death.

    So. It’s Satan who killed this woman. Not God. The implication is that Satan did that to interrupt his sermon.

    Where does that guy get sweaters big enough to fit around his ego?

  43. #43 Louis
    January 14, 2010

    OK I just had my first comment held for approval. Woohoo! Is that my fault or is it (more likely) the comedy software biting me on the bottom for coming out as a successful commenter on the other thread?

    Damn you irony! Damn you!

    Louis

  44. #44 Blind Squirrel FCD
    January 14, 2010

    “Civilization will not attain perfection until the last stone, from the last church, falls on the last priest.” Émile Zola

    Rendered and attributed variously.

    BS

  45. #45 traustifreyr
    January 14, 2010

    “isn´t that something?”

    Yeah, it´s something alright.

  46. #46 Kevin
    January 14, 2010

    @irarosofsky (28):

    Or alternatively “Sure he can raise people from the dead, but can god see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?”

  47. #47 Claire
    January 14, 2010

    What about decomposing tissue? Is that magically fixed when these people are magically raised from the dead? And why raise people from the dead, don’t all good christians what everyone to frolic in heaven with their magic sky man??

  48. #48 https://www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawkPGuV9MQ7kGGtgFXiayO5V_T8_oZJ6esg
    January 14, 2010

    I hang my head in shame, my mother believes stuff like this. She told me about a guy who was dead for five days, in africa obviously, and some guy raised him from the dead. Supposedly he’d been embalmed etc..

  49. #49 gettingfree
    January 14, 2010

    Why just talk for over 7 minutes about raising the dead, when the real excitement would be in the showing it? Oh, it never really happened so he couldn’t video tape it. Now, I get it. :)

  50. #50 Holytape
    January 14, 2010

    According to Doctor Manhattan “A live body and a dead body contain the same number of particles. Structurally, there’s no discernible difference “And we can trust him because he is a doctor. So it shouldn’t be too hard. And
    Sasquatch Jesus could
    .

  51. #51 Pastor Farm
    January 14, 2010

    I’m not going to lie. I raised a few dead in my youth. When I was a brash young man, I–like all teenagers my age (teen age)–dabbled in Necromancy and the black arts. Razing villages and desecrating corpses. Little did we know that we were doing God’s work!

    I mean sure we believed we were gods and so did our undead minions. Because unlike the real(?) God, we didn’t bother with free will. But like God, we didn’t really give two shits what happened to them. Watching them get blown to pieces was half the fun! The other half is likely too disturbing to share on a family blog comments section.

    Sadly, after a bit of legal trouble and many, many days spent institutionalized, those days are gone. The black arts and Christianity now both behind me, and my lich powers faded with my lack of faith.

  52. #52 Squiddhartha
    January 14, 2010

    Actually, I recently refreshed my training in how to raise people from the dead.

    It’s called CPR.

  53. #53 MPM
    January 14, 2010

    That site (Extreme Prophecy Media) also has an ad for “XP Acting School: Learn acting from a kingdom perspective from experienced actors”

    Perhaps this guy is a graduate.

  54. #54 irarosofsky
    January 14, 2010

    So the gay people they will execute in Uganda have nothing to fear?

  55. #55 Rog
    January 14, 2010

    Cleansing leopards? They have zoo-keeping in their mythos? Now I feel I’m missing out. I think I might be persuaded to leave my beer volcanoes behind for as good leopard cleansing…

  56. #56 Mrs Tilton
    January 14, 2010

    he’s a bit cranky about the effrontery of the dead person for interfering with his preaching

    Such inconsiderate reanimated corpses are truly the ungrateful dead.

    And they’re right to be ungrateful! I mean, according to the Reverend Randy, they must have been off on a cloud, right? Hangin with their homeboy JC? Wings-harp-and-halo, everything they could ever want theirs at last, reunited with Grandma and Rover, 72 virgins, Generals beating the Globetrotters, strolling over to the balcony to enjoy the spectacle of the sinners roasting in Hell below, untold wonders for ever and ever praise God hallelujah amen. And then this meddling lunatic comes and hauls them out of Paradise back down into the vale of tears? Ungrateful? I’d be feckin livid. He’d be lucky if I stopped at his brains.

    Such as they are.

  57. #57 Carlie
    January 14, 2010

    I almost thought he wasn’t batshit insane at first, thinking that “raising from the dead” was a metaphor of sharing Jesus’ message so that people could be saved. But then he started talking about the woman with rigor mortis, and I realized he was serious.
    Then there’s the story about the baby – oh, gee, right after birth it wasn’t breathing, and all of a sudden once he jiggled it, it started breathing. Hm, haven’t seen that in every single trope about birth EVER. Hint: when the phenomenon has reached the point of being a yo mama joke, it probably isn’t a miracle. Just sayin’.

  58. #58 devnull73.myopenid.com
    January 14, 2010

    Crazy guy says retarded stuff. News at 11.

  59. #59 Larry
    January 14, 2010

    e’s not really dead.

    e’s merely pinin’ for the fjords.

  60. #60 kc5tty
    January 14, 2010

    MPM #53 beat me to it: XP ACTING SCHOOL

    This was a screen test … Right?

    Everytime something super-Christian-creepy comes along I think that I have seen everything … and then one like this pops up!

    —–

    OT: Pat Robertson did not die in Haiti. Nor did Glenn Beck, or Benny Hinn Sad …….

  61. #61 fauxrs
    January 14, 2010

    This guy could put the shut-up on athiests world wide if he went to haiti and raised all the dead there in the name of jeebus.

    But I’m sure he’s upset at satan for creating that earthquake and interruping his egg mcmuffin so he wont do that

  62. #62 mulder
    January 14, 2010

    odd how god offers these miracles in a field in uganda, but never on conan o’brien.
    how about on the colbert report? steven is catholic.

  63. #63 alareth
    January 14, 2010

    Cogito #7

    Guess that means we’re same from zombies here in Sweden, or are we a third world country?

    Since Sweden was neutral in the cold war and didn’t join NATO or the Wasrsaw Pact it is classified as a third world country.

    Sorry about your imminent zombie outbreak.

  64. #64 Glen Davidson
    January 14, 2010

    You’d almost think that raising the dead would make the news.

    Nah, I suppose it’s just too common by now.

    Glen D
    http://tinyurl.com/mxaa3p

  65. #65 jaranath
    January 14, 2010

    Randy DEMAIN? Oh, nice try, Mr. “Demain!”

    Or should I say…DAMIEN?!?

    Yes, we’re onto you, spawn of Satan! We know the truth! You aren’t raising ANYBODY from the dead! You just saw Avatar, thought it was a good idea, and invited a few of your buddies…from HEEELLLLL!!!…up here for a little party! Borrow a few bodies, have a night on the town…oh, we know…

    Creep didn’t even invite me.

  66. #66 Janine, Mistress Of Foul Mouth Abuse, OM
    January 14, 2010

    Could this nut bag be any more condescending. First, when the “dead” comes back to life and runs away, he assumes that it is because she never saw a white man before. And then, she steals from the coffers. Oh, those poor and depraved people, it is a good think that delightful folks like Randy Demain are around to lift them up.

    Also, if it were so easy for the dead to come back, why doesn’t it happen more often? It would have been nice if my twenty year old cousin would have just shaken off the .22 slug that shattered his skull. I guess no one in my family was devote enough to make it happen.

  67. #67 Kenbo
    January 14, 2010

    @14 and @63

    Everyone knows that universal health care interferes with raising the dead…that’s why this ‘miracle’ only happens in the U.S. and other third world countries. Don’t you people read the bible?

    /sarcasm off

  68. #68 Creature of the Universe
    January 14, 2010

    I just tried DeMain’s suggestion and attempted to raise Blue, my dear departed goldfish, from it’s watery grave.

    I began to pray and speak with authority. To my astonishment something began to happen, YES something was happening! I prayed harder. The water started to move and swirl a bit, then swirl some more and more, I heard some gurgling, until finally poor old Blue just disappeared!

    I couldn’t believe it… My Blue was raised in reverse!!

    God is good….I suppose.maybe.ahh.

    Thank you DeMain.

  69. #69 Shaggy Maniac
    January 14, 2010

    It is interesting that these supposed events took place in Africa. He is playing to his (presumably white suburban) audience’s prejudices about the Dark Continent, almost as if it were a chapter in a Joseph Conrad book. Why do these things always happen in Africa? It’s a mystical place safely removed from the reality of the dupes he’s playing to such that it becomes believable. The underlying bigotry is rather sickening.

  70. #70 Carax
    January 14, 2010

    All True Christians like Randy should go to Haiti today because there?s plenty of the dead lying about who urgently need to be raised.

  71. #71 Steven Mading
    January 14, 2010

    If he went to Haiti I’d like to see this asshole make his claims right in front of the survivors who’ve lost loved ones, and then get the reaction he deserves from the bereaved when he fails to make it work.

    Which reminds me – don’t forget about Haiti. Donation lines to various charities are available to use.

  72. #72 Kemist
    January 14, 2010

    I wanna talk to you just for a few moments today about raising the dead. It’s a reality that’s happening all over the world today in increasing, uh, momentim [sic] and numbers.

    OMFG !

    Zombies !!!! The pandemic has begun. Time to acquire a shotgun and a machete and move up north.

  73. #73 Celeste
    January 14, 2010

    This guy is one of the most pompous, obnoxious bags of hot air I’ve heard in a looooong time. I can’t keep listening to him. You amaze me PZ that you have the patience to make it through things like this.

  74. #74 daveau
    January 14, 2010

    Randy Tomorrow. Fake name. And not even a good one.

  75. #75 Butch Pansy
    January 14, 2010

    Poe? Is that you? I can’t tell in this miasma of sulfurous exhalations emanating from the spreading cracks in the meeting-house floor.

  76. #76 DALwrites
    January 14, 2010

    If zombies are becoming a common occurrence, I wonder why we’ve not heard anything about it? Could it be because this guy’s full of shit? Liars for Jesus…

  77. #77 Truckle
    January 14, 2010

    @48

    “I hang my head in shame, my mother believes stuff like this. She told me about a guy who was dead for five days, in africa obviously, and some guy raised him from the dead. Supposedly he’d been embalmed etc.. ”

    I must admit you have my Dad beat, but he gives far to much credence to anecdotal tales (He is a retired Anglican Minister). He also believes a missionary who told a story of a crowd in (where else but) Africa praying for this mans diseased arm and watching it magically heal and straigten out in front of his eyes.

    Its the credence automatically given to religious anecdotes that I just cannot fathom… His mind is a little TOO open, which also happens to make him a salesman’s wet dream.

    However, I bet I could sell this buffoon volcano insurance.

  78. #78 Ant
    January 14, 2010

    Zombie Apocalypse! Time to start stockpiling guns, ammo, food and water!

    Just remember to aim for the head. Separate the brain from the body.

  79. #79 raven
    January 14, 2010

    So it was Randy.

    That explains the mob of Zombies wandering around the mall last weekend.

  80. #80 tuckerch
    January 14, 2010

    You know, If I claimed that I could and have “raised the dead” and pointed to a phone book as evidence of my power and authority to do so, I would, rightly, be considered mentally ill.

    This lying motherfucker, on the other hand, gets a tax break and is permitted to lie like a motherfucker about “raising the dead” to gullible morons so as to TAKE THEIR MONEY for whatever purposes he deems as ‘advancing the ministries and gospels’ of a dead jewish zombie and his invisible sky monster big daddy.

  81. #81 raven
    January 14, 2010

    Raising the dead is a common claim of fundie xians. I’ve heard it for decades.

    It usually occurs in some obscure third world country. There is never any proof.

    This Randy guy sounds completely crazy though.

    In the New Testament, it says that prayer can move mountains. No one has ever seen that either.

  82. #82 cedgray
    January 14, 2010

    We may laugh (altogether now…) but this stuff really works on some people, and this guy knows it. You can read it all over his face: he knows it’s all bullshit, but he totally knows what he’s doing with it.

    We need to find a way to stop their lies from being effective on people: inoculate them, somehow. Unfortunately, the kind of people that his lies excite and motivate aren’t the ones that rationalism works on. At all.

    Even if this guy ‘falls’ sometime in the future by being outed as a practising homosexual, or an embezzeler, or whatever misdemeanour it is that usually trips these kooks up, they’ll still swallow his every lie, because he can just get out of it by saying he repents, and it’s all fine.

    That’s some powerful witchcraft, right there. It doesn’t work on us, of course, but they don’t care about us. It’s hard to know what to do, other than just continuing to fight the good fight…

  83. #83 coughlanbrianm
    January 14, 2010

    I rather liked Randy. He seemed so down to earth. Other than the claims to raising the dead that is.

    The story had a nice biblical narrative to it. A clever touch I thought.

  84. #84 katiebour
    January 14, 2010

    Me wonders whether or not the woman was having seizures… see link for types.

    http://epilepsysupport.aarogya.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=1&Itemid=2

    Some epileptic seizures involve stiffening of muscles, unresponsiveness, loss of conciousness, etc. That would explain why the men asked him to come and PRAY for her, rather than bury her.

    It could be that our idiot in question is *gasp* not a medical professional capable of discerning whether a person is, in fact, dead.

    And let me tell you, if I had a seizure, and then came back to conciousness with a strange white man yelling at me in a language I may or may not understand, way out in the middle of nowhere, I might run away too. It’s also possible that if this individual was in fact epileptic that she may have been looked upon with suspicion or had negative reactions to seizing up.

    In any case the guy’s both a crackpot and an idiot.

  85. #85 KOPD42
    January 14, 2010

    First, when the “dead” comes back to life and runs away, he assumes that it is because she never saw a white man before.

    Well, I don’t blame her. We do have a bit of a reputation.

  86. #86 Islander
    January 14, 2010

    So it was Randy.

    That explains the mob of Zombies wandering around the mall last weekend.

    They do love their Abercrombie, don’t they?

    [resisting lame 'Aberzombie' joke...]

  87. #87 KOPD42
    January 14, 2010

    In the New Testament, it says that prayer can move mountains. No one has ever seen that either.

    Did it say how quickly?

  88. #88 SmilingSkeptic
    January 14, 2010

    But… why would a True Christian (TM) want to be raised from the dead? Isn’t it when you die that go on to your final reward and sit at the right hand of god, eating grapes or bagels with cream cheese on some cloud or something? Imagine just settling in for a nice eternal reward of beer and chili cheese dip and football when BOINK, you’re back on earth.

  89. #89 Carlie
    January 14, 2010

    This thread could really use some Smoggy. Where has he been lately? Hope all is well in his world.

  90. #90 Steve P
    January 14, 2010

    I think the important thing to remember here is that even jebus-raised zombies can still be kleptomaniacs.

  91. #91 dustycrickets
    January 14, 2010

    So can we turn water into wine as well ?

  92. #92 shonny
    January 14, 2010

    Presume he is talking about xians who appear to be dead, but are just dead-in-the-heads, – zombies.
    But how easy it is to remove the virus that makes them dead-like is another story.

  93. #93 Antiochus Epiphanes
    January 14, 2010

    “I don’t want to be buried in a Pet Sematary. I don’t want to live my life again.” –Joey Ramone

    “It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead.” Miracle Max

  94. #94 Vashti
    January 14, 2010

    This thread could really use some Smoggy. Where has he been lately? Hope all is well in his world.

    Was just thinking the same — where is dear Smoggy when you need him? I might be willing to forsake my atheist ways if I could have such powers (conversion pending confirmation that it works on dogs).

  95. #95 https://me.yahoo.com/a/SaqGVG0xvJEQVwURVamS3DTCdvov0BLhXK1jOsYPPJQ-#b4893
    January 14, 2010

    I recently attended a Shen Yun Performing Arts performance here in NorCal. They are an outreach program for Falun Gong.

    Anyone else familiar with some of their claims? According to Li Hongzhi, Falun Gong’s founder, humankind has been wiped out 81 times, and God was just about to wipe us out again for the 82nd (and final) time. But Li intervened, and convinced God to delay our final destruction by 30 years.

    I’m not making this up.

    The thing that made me so mad about Shen Yun is they don’t offer a hint of who they are when you’re buying the tickets. As I explained to my daughter, it’d be as if she got expensive tickets to a rock concert, only to find out when she got there it was 100% Jesus Rock.

    I really resent having given such a huge monetary donation to the cult of Falun Dong. They can suck my Dong, for all I care.

    Demain is a loser, but he’s not the only loser out there, for sure.

    And I love the way XP Media offers acting classes. How’d those work out for ya, Demain?

  96. #96 neon-elf.myopenid.com
    January 14, 2010

    Do you think he actually believes this bullshit?
    Is he severely mentally ill or just another scam artist?

    I see I’m not the only one who heard “the leopards are cleansed”. I suspect you’d need raising from the dead if you tried dunking big cats. They’d be ‘washed in the blood’, alright…yours.

  97. #97 Qwerty
    January 14, 2010

    Send him to Haiti and see how successful he is.

  98. #98 toth
    January 14, 2010

    Oh, Randy Demented…

  99. #99 https://me.yahoo.com/hairychris444#96384
    January 14, 2010

    Well that was weird.

  100. #100 lordshipmayhem
    January 14, 2010

    I can raise the dead, too: I just need to opine that the Canadian Senate should be abolished.

    (“The Canadian Senate is the home of dead politicians – we need more Senators!” – political commentator whose name I was unable to find using Google)

  101. #101 bbavar
    January 14, 2010

    If this is really true, why doesn’t this guy just visit cemeteries and raise whole cities?

  102. #102 Dianne
    January 14, 2010

    Raising the dead generally takes about 300 J and some epinephrine. Glucose, narcan, warmth, and other factors can be useful as well. Prayer is…class D, not recommended.

  103. #103 Gary
    January 14, 2010

    Am I the only one who thought this guy was talking about “cleansing the lepers”, i.e. persons suffering from leprosy? I didn’t hear anything that sounded like “leopards”. Wasn’t curing a leper one of the alleged miracles of the alleged Jesus character?

  104. #104 glowball
    January 14, 2010

    Randy Demain – yeeechhh!
    That entire site – yeeechhh! ptttfhtpbt!
    Man, you get to see some wierd corners of the internet from here…

  105. #105 Kausik Datta
    January 14, 2010

    Ah, so that’s why Republicans are opposing universal health care. You have no insurance, you die horribly? No problem. Randy Demain’s here to raise you.

    OTOH, jaranath’s explanation (Demain = DAMIEN) also works.

  106. #106 Me99
    January 14, 2010

    Here’s a “Raise The Dead” how-to, including how to raise dead house plants.

    Raise the dead

  107. #107 chriss
    January 14, 2010

    I believe him…well at least the part where he gets led out to the tall grass by the two guys…

  108. #108 stptrck75
    January 14, 2010

    As George Costanza once said, “It’s not a lie if you believe it.”

    These people don’t quite understand the meaning of the word “truth”. Truthiness, yes; truth, no.

    It is a fascinating psychological state.

  109. #109 sidhe
    January 14, 2010

    Hmm. Well, maybe the people he raised from the dead were only MOSTLY dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.

    Sorry, I couldn’t resist. :)

  110. #110 Roger
    January 14, 2010

    Why does this shit always happen “in Africa”? WTF is that all about?

  111. #111 Moggie
    January 14, 2010

    Running zombies? They’re the worst kind!

  112. #112 Nick
    January 14, 2010

    Well, the guy made me curious enough to google what treatments are available for people with narcissistic personality disorder, so watching the video wasn’t a complete waste of time.

    I still feel nauseous, though.

  113. #113 cuco3
    January 14, 2010

    #30, re stealing people out of Heaven.

    Perhaps it’s only possible to raise non-Christians. That makes a certain amount of sense, as you’re giving them a second chance to learn about God and eventually go to heaven when they die again.

    That has interesting implications for capital punishment. Someone who has converted to Christianity, or been born again should be executed, not pardoned. They did commit the crime for which they were sentenced and so are deserving of death, but they can be content in the knowledge that their change of heart will assure them of the blessings of the hereafter.
    In the same vein, other criminals should not be executed until they have had every chance to see the error of their ways and find Christ. Surely it’s better to try to get another soul for God than simply condemn them immediately to Satan’s realm.

  114. #114 Ms. Crazy Pants
    January 14, 2010

    Sheesssh….raising the dead was much harder a long time ago. Now all it takes is your basic car jack. If you get a professional one like what you see at the car repair places, you can raise the dead right over your head. :-p

  115. #115 Sastra
    January 14, 2010

    neon-elf #96 wrote:

    Do you think he actually believes this bullshit? Is he severely mentally ill or just another scam artist?

    I think he half-believes it. He’s so eager and mentally prepped to see confirming evidence for his beliefs that he finds it easy to ignore or mis-remember significant details in his stories. When he does see a discrepancy between what happened, and what he claims happened, he probably glosses over it with the comforting fiction that the better story is “faith-promoting.”

    Nothing can ever be really wrong, if it’s faith-promoting. God protects and excuses the pure heart. He might even make it have happened, retroactively, just to help you out of a lie. With God, all things are possible.

    In addition to the echo-chamber in his head, this guy’s surrounded by a real-life echo chamber in his ministry. If people keep telling you you’re on the right track, you’re a wonderful man, your humility is so inspiring — you believe it. They’ve also got their own stories, so the bar for what’s extraordinary is raised considerably.

    I don’t know if anyone else here remembers, but a few years back on Pharyngula one of the apologists arguing for God actually brought up stories of people raised from the dead as evidence. He directed us to a video made in Africa of some black preacher praying over a guy who collapsed during the filming of a sermon, whereupon he is pronounced dead on camera by a ‘doctor’ — and then raised from the dead by the preacher. We were presumably supposed to find this convincing because we could ‘see it with our own eyes.’

    The fact that we remained skeptical seemed to only increase the confidence of our visitor: see, we wouldn’t believe, no matter how strong the evidence. Why should God bother with even more evidence just for us?

  116. #116 hje
    January 14, 2010

    The setting of the video is a little creepy–like a funeral parlor at night.

    I half expect a zombie to appear looking for brains–but then going away quite disappointed.

  117. #117 Die Anyway
    January 14, 2010

    After listening to Randy… Narwhals, Narwhals… the best I can… swimming in the ocean… say is that for 7… causing a commotion… minutes I was no longer… cuz they are so awesome… hearing a certain… Narwhals, Narwhals, swimming in the ocean… song running through my… Pretty big and pretty white… head. So thank you PZ for… They beat a polar bear in a fight… giving me a moment… like an underwater unicorn… of blessed relief.
    they’ve got a kick-ass facial horn.
    They’re the Jedi of the sea.
    They stop Cthulu eating ye.
    Gaaaaahhhhhhhh make it stop, make it stop, make it……..

  118. #118 Reticulated Newfie
    January 14, 2010

    Oh, this is serious. Although he doesn’t say it, it seems he can only raise the dead if they aren’t Christian (because then they can convert after realizing the errors of their ways and go out and preach the gospel according to zombies).

    So, Africa, full of it’s heathen masses, is ripe for zombie fodder, as is the United States (full of it’s evil satan-worshiping athiestic communo-fascists controlling the government).

    Meaning that people like PZ Myers are prime targets for raising after their demise!

    Watch out, PZ! The christians are likely to send a hit squad out for you for the express purpose of raising your shuffled-off mortal coil to becoming a “Born-Again Zombie PZ Evangelist”!

  119. #119 Pastor Farm
    January 14, 2010

    The reason this always happens in Africa is quite simple. There’s the common prayer found in the Book of Toto Chapter 3 Verse 8 – 11:

    8 It’s gonna take a lot to take me away from you
    9 There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
    10 I bless the rains down in Africa
    11 Gonna take some time to do the things we never have

  120. #120 gettingfree
    January 14, 2010

    @ Die Anyway / # 117

    Me too! Can’t get the Narwhals song out of my head. Since I saw it here the other day and showed it to my husband, we’ve been singing it to each other at random moments. :)

  121. #121 pnrjulius
    January 14, 2010

    This is incredibly weird. It’s especially weird because he delivers it as a video… yet the video is just him telling the story. An actual video of someone being raised from the dead would be revolutionary in science, medicine, philosophy, and religion… but instead we get a video of this guy telling us a bullshit story.

    I’m wondering if the story is just completely made up, or if something vaguely similar happened (someone was unconscious and woke up shortly after being yelled at, probably with no connection to the yelling).

    I’m also wondering if anyone is crazy enough to believe things like this. I’d like to think not, but in fact I’m guessing the answer is yes.

  122. #122 carpathia25
    January 14, 2010

    “Jesus will reward you for lying, as long as more people fall for it, right?”

    Actually the PEOPLE with reward you for lying for Jesus .

  123. #123 davej
    January 14, 2010

    Well, OK. He starts off by saying that people are being raised from the dead all the time right here in the USA, but then why doesn’t he simply demonstrate this? Why does he need to launch into a story about his trip to remote Africa? Why can’t he simply conduct his video presentations at the local funeral home?

  124. #124 SEF
    January 14, 2010

    @ daveau #74:

    Randy Tomorrow. Fake name. And not even a good one.

    But it’s very important to have a French day name in the zombie business. Perhaps the good ones were already taken.

  125. #125 Jeronimusprime
    January 14, 2010

    So this guy is coming across women and children who have died, and (presumably) gone to meet their eternal reward and enjoy infinte bliss; and he then proceeds to yank them out of heaven and stick them in… Africa?

    Kinda sounds like a dick to me.

  126. #126 Cuttlefish, OM
    January 14, 2010

    A man is crumpled by a car;
    He’s lying dead, and there you are–
    Don’t waste your time with CPR,
    Just bow your head and pray.
    No need to call for EMTs;
    The Holy Bible guarantees
    Just fall down praying on your knees
    The proper Christian way.

    From prairie plains to shining shores
    The hospitals will close their doors;
    The pow’r of life and death is yours
    If only you believe.
    No more a need for any meds,
    Or research messing up our heads,
    Since raising people from the dead’s
    So easy to achieve.

    It’s really quite a simple game:
    Just find a corpse, and then proclaim
    “Rise up! Rise up, in Jesus’ name!”
    And that’s what it will do.
    But if by chance he will not stand;
    The corpse won’t do as you command,
    The fall-back is already planned:
    We put the blame on you.

    http://digitalcuttlefish.blogspot.com/2010/01/raising-dead.html

  127. #127 DALwrites
    January 14, 2010

    RE: #111 – Moggie: “Running zombies? They’re the worst kind!”

    A la 28 Weeks Later. Stay on the move, stay on the move!

  128. #128 daveau
    January 14, 2010

    SEF@124-

    I totally missed that connection, thanks. I once knew a girl named Mardi. I wonder what she’s doing now?

  129. #129 Rick Miller
    January 14, 2010

    Two things:

    - Notice it was “that woman”. Don’t you think that having actually been the one to raise someone from the dead, he might have at least remembered the woman’s NAME?

    - Not only is he a fake and a fraud, he’s a racist too. Did he mention even one African in his story whom he didn’t think was probably a criminal?

  130. #130 carpathia25
    January 14, 2010

    Maybe he missed this moment on Sesame Street.

    Bob: Uh, Big Bird. He’s … he’s not in there.

    Big Bird: Oh. Then where is he?

    Maria: Big Bird, uh, don’t you remember we told you? Mr. Hooper died. He … he’s dead.

    Big Bird: Oh yeah. I remember. Well, I’ll give it to him when he comes back.

    Susan: Big Bird, Mr Hooper’s not coming back.

    Big Bird: Why not?

    Susan: Big Bird, when … when people die, they don’t *come* back.

    Big Bird: Ever?

    Susan: No, never.

    Big Bird: Well, why not?

    Luis: Well, Bird Bird, they’re dead. They … they can’t come back.

  131. #131 Shaggy Maniac
    January 14, 2010

    Some have wondered why a Christian would want to be raised from the dead if they are already in heaven. This is easy to explain: when you die, you don’t immediately go to heaven or hell; you are merely “asleep in the Lord”. Going to heaven or hell only happens as a result of divine judgment, which will take place after the Second Coming of Christ. In practical terms, you won’t know the difference because once you die, the next thing you’ll know is judgment and eternity. So, if you are raised from the dead before Jesus comes again, you haven’t been taken away from heaven; you’ve just been given a second chance at life on earth prior to judgment. I’m not making this up; it’s what I learned as a good Lutheran. It scares me that I once believed it all.

  132. #132 Janine, Mistress Of Foul Mouth Abuse, OM
    January 14, 2010

    Look at who just got raised back from the dead, Cuttlefish. Dude, people have been asking about you that past few days.

  133. #133 Aquaria
    January 14, 2010

    #44:

    I think Zola was, uh, paying tribute to Denis Diderot’s, “Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.”

    Back On Topic:

    Raising the dead is weird, creepy, sad and yet funny. Sheesh, the best we’re getting in crazy shamans here in Texas is the preacher supposedly healing a man of heart disease by–I’m serious here–kicking him in the stomach, during the faith-healing segment of his sermon, or whatever the fundies call that seemingly eternal expulsion of hot air and bullshit. Or so a former co-worker told me in an attempt to provide “evidence” of her sadistic sky buddy.

    I think the look of horror and revulsion on my face when she told me about a supposedly sick man getting kicked in the stomach, and my almost immediate outburst of, “If that fucker had kicked me anywhere, I would have called the cops on him! Being a preacher doesn’t give you the right to assault people!” gave her an inkling of how insane she, her preacher and her mythology sounded. She couldn’t look at me, blushed and started stammering, and–oh, joy! oh, ecstasy!–never mentioned her sociopathic shaman or religion again around me.

  134. #134 Cogito
    January 14, 2010

    There is so much to love about this video. The not-so-subtle racism, like how he keeps refering to the woman he just raised from the dead as an “african woman”. He is in Uganda, what the fuck does he expect. The cleansing of leopards (I have seen them up close and they can be a bit musky, I have to say). And i giggled when he described the doctor who headed up the clinic he visited – apparently, he was a MEDICAL doctor. You know, as opposed to a doctor of fine arts or something.

  135. #135 nitramnaed
    January 14, 2010

    You go Randy! And he’s only read one book! To all you Phd’s out there…

    “Christ, seven years of college, down the drain.”

    Bluto

  136. #136 Cuttlefish, OM
    January 14, 2010

    @ Janine, MOFMA, OM–

    Really? Me? Who? Where?
    I wasn’t dead, I promise.
    Just less visible

  137. #137 stevieinthecity
    January 14, 2010

    I thought that site was a spoof. It’s so slick. However, all the photos of people on that site are freaky. Some alternate universe of these grinning zoned out people with bizarre haircuts and a 90′s alt rock look.

    I could never hang with these people. Just too out of touch with reality and fashion and music.

    The guy raised the dead. Fucking liar.

  138. #138 coyotenose
    January 14, 2010

    @ #78:

    “Just remember to aim for the head. Separate the brain from the body.”

    Would even that work? I mean, Godliness already separated their brains from their thoughts.

    —–

    Anyone here read the webcomic Erfworld? If so, see any disturbing similarities to the attitude, justifications and actions of the most evil character therein?

  139. #139 dustycrickets
    January 14, 2010

    I thought his describing his work in Africa as a “crusade” was a nice touch..

  140. #140 David Marjanovi?
    January 14, 2010

    Where does that guy get sweaters big enough to fit around his ego?

    Wherever Dembski does, duh.

    The black arts and Christianity now both behind me, and my lich powers faded with my lack of faith.

    Disturbing.
    :-)

  141. #141 carpathia25
    January 14, 2010

    I bet if he’s trying to “cleanse the leopards” the raising the dead thing will come in handy. Leopards don’t like to be cleansed.

  142. #142 Danilo Naiff
    January 14, 2010

    I don’t see anyone raising from the dead right now here in Brazil. Does this means that we are becoming a first-world country (or at least a intermediary?)

  143. #143 Peter G.
    January 14, 2010

    One of the things I find really irritating about Christianity is the vagueness. Couldn’t Jesus have been more specific? Sure “raise the dead” but how far? One foot? Two feet? Stick ‘em on a flagpole? For how long? They start to get a little rank and bloated after a while and that’s going to affect property values.

  144. #144 Berny G
    January 14, 2010

    Bullshit.
    I wonder if he would care to raise the dead in front of a panel of skeptics and scientists who could then lend credence to this phenomenal act.
    No?
    Imagine my shock…

  145. #145 bastion of sass
    January 14, 2010

    I’ve recently come across several web sites in which other of god’s miracle workers claimed they could raise the dead, and had already successfully done so. Wish I had saved the URLs, but who knew I’d ever want to refer to them again?!

    The only How to Raise the Dead site I could come with quickly presents plenty of evidence that should convince even the most skeptical among us that raising the dead is not all that rare.

    Even eHow has instructions on How to Raise the Dead. I wonder, however, how many of those who claim this amazing ability miss Step 1:

    Ensure that the person is really dead. The normal procedure is to check their pulse and see if they are breathing by putting your face near their face to feel for air flow while looking at their chest to see if it is moving. Poking them with a sharp stick is a good bet, as well.

  146. #146 KOPD42
    January 14, 2010

    You too can learn to raise the dead! Impress your coworkers, amaze your friends! It’s great for family reunions, and a real hoot at funerals. But wait, there’s more! Are you tired of being embarrassed by your dingy leopards? They don’t fit in the washer, and taking them to the carwash is a hassle. Well you’ll have dingy leopards no more! Thanks to the power of Jesus™, your leopards will be cleansed! Yours free when you order your “How to Raise the Dead” DVD and booklet, for three easy payments of only $39.99, plus shipping and handling! Call now. Operators are standing by.

    “Raising the Dead” has not been safety tested for children under the age of 3. Offer void where prohibited. Prices may vary in Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and third world countries. Buyer assumes full responsibility for damages incurred by zombies. If you experience a resurrection lasting over four hours, seek immediate medical attention.

  147. #147 sasqwatch
    January 14, 2010

    The practice of raising the dead apparently still continues in North America, though it is not as common as it was before the Native American populations were decimated.

    http://www.archives.gov/research/native-americans/pictures/images/indians-018a.jpg

  148. #148 sasqwatch
    January 14, 2010

    …also, these guys have plenty of experience raising the dead. Jeez. Old news.

  149. #149 ThirdMonkey
    January 14, 2010

    He’s a witch! WITCH! Burn him!

  150. #150 prostock69
    January 14, 2010

    Let me get this straight. There is a Christian who is advertising that he can raise people from the dead. But according to their dogma, when you die, you go to a better place called Heaven. Hmmmm…I can see it now: Uncle Johnny’s sitting up in Heaven, drinking a few beers with a couple of busty blonds, singing god’s praises for the beautiful paradise he has created for his followers. Then comes this Christian asshat who brings Uncle Johnny back to his old life here on Earth (a place of misery, disease, poverty and destruction). Can you imagine how pissed off Uncle Johnny would be??! lol

  151. #151 Tulse
    January 14, 2010

    Randy Demain – Reanimator!

    I suppose he just failed to mention the huge syringe of glowing green liquid that was used in the process of re-animation. We can only hope that such a fine individual has a similar fate to that of his predecessor Herbert West.

    But boy, I think he didn’t see the Buffy musical episode “Once More with Feeling” — sometimes bringing people back from the dead is not a nice thing to do.

    Which ultimately gets to the serious point, which is to echo all the puzzlement over why raising the dead is a Good Thing. Surely in any consistent Christian theology, any raising of dead would be an unmitigated evil — those who have gone to heaven are in ultimate bliss (cf. Ms Summers), and those who are in hell have been condemned there by God, and so presumably deserve their fate.

    I see the raising of the dead to be of a piece with the sorrow over abortion (which presumably sends innocent souls straight to heaven) — it indicates that Christians really don’t truly believe their theology. Christianity (at least as practiced by the masses) is more about feelings that about actual belief-structure.

  152. #152 Kel, OM
    January 14, 2010

    And people say I’m insensitive for not respecting particular beliefs… shit, with so much nuttery about it’s hard to think of reasons why one should respect the crazy beliefs or the loons who propagate them.

  153. #153 Benjamin Geiger
    January 14, 2010

    coyotenose:

    Which character do you mean, when you say “the most evil”? Arguments could be made for Stanley, Wanda, Jillian, or even (if you stretch enough) Parson…

  154. #154 speedweasel
    January 14, 2010

    Raising the dead huh?

    It should be no problem for Randy to collect Randi’s money then.

  155. #155 gr8hands
    January 14, 2010

    Oral Roberts claimed to have raised the dead, as reported in Time magazine:

    http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,964970,00.html

    Notice his son claims it happened “50 to 60″ times. I guess lying is hereditary. Nature or nurture PZ?

  156. #156 coyotenose
    January 14, 2010

    Benjamin Geiger:

    Well yes, but I’d say Stanley is, well, just a Tool, Parson is stuck in his situation, and Jillian is motivated largely by grief and… love? Not sure on that one. Wanda is the only one who does dirty deeds out of pure expediency and is almost literally seduced just by the POWER to do dirty deeds.

    Man I love that comic.

  157. #157 sexycelticlady
    January 14, 2010

    @96 “Do you think he actually believes this bullshit?”

    He clearly doesn’t believe in what he is saying at all as you can tell through his body language and how he relates the story, embellishing inconsequential details such as the long grass and the doctors name (which are probably true based on the detail and the amount of expressive body language used) yet not providing any information about the actual medical condition of the bodies and leaking all sorts of deception indicators during his retelling.

    Not that people who want to believe will notice any of that.

  158. #158 marcus
    January 14, 2010

    @59 (Graham) Chapman’s Law “As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Monty Python or dead parrots approaches 1.”

  159. #159 boygenius
    January 14, 2010

    I’ve never seen such a soft spoken raving lunatic before. PZ comes close, but in a good way!

  160. #160 DaveL
    January 14, 2010

    One of the banner ads below his video: XP Acting School. How appropriate.

    Isn’t it weird how they only seem to be able to resurrect anonymous people thousands of miles away?

  161. #161 maxamillion
    January 14, 2010

    . You just go up to an old corpse and tell it to get up, and poof, it’ll hop up and start running around.

    Well that explains Ken Ham, it all makes sense now.

  162. #162 cyan
    January 14, 2010

    This Demain is incredibly sadistic.

    People who believe him will try this when a loved one dies, fail of course, contact him begging him to come and raise that loved one, and he will tell them they just have to have even a little faith. So they will be stricken, convinced that if they just were strong enough to have even a little faith, they could bring back their loved one.

    And Demain knows all this when he sends out this message. I can just see his smug little satisfied smile whenever he thinks of those desperate people trying so hard to raise their loved ones from death.

  163. #163 marcus
    January 14, 2010

    OT but not really as I was researching for “Chapman’s Law” I came across Cleese’s eulogy for Chapman…
    Graham Chapman, co-author of the “Parrot Sketch”, is no more.

    He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. He’s kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last, and gone to meet the great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky. And I guess that we’re all thinking how sad it is that a man of such talent, of such capability for kindness, of such unusual intelligence, should now so suddenly be spirited away at the age of only forty-eight, before he’d achieved many of the things of which he was capable, and before he’d had enough fun.

    Well, I feel that I should say: nonsense. Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard, I hope he fries.
    And the reason I feel I should say this is he would never forgive me if I didn’t, if I threw ? threw away this glorious opportunity to shock you all on his behalf. Anything for him but mindless good taste. …

  164. #164 Kamaka
    January 14, 2010

    He clearly doesn’t believe in what he is saying at all

    I’m of a mind that the majority of clergy realise their religious blatherings are a load of bullshit. The few well-meaning ones just think it’s good for other people to believe these things. The rest, like this smarmy narcissist, are in it for the power and the money.

  165. #165 WowbaggerOM
    January 14, 2010

    If some of the comments posted here in defence of Christianity are anything to go by, a significant proportion of them are zombies already.

    How will we tell the difference?

  166. #166 Deiloh
    January 14, 2010

    Only two? Why so selfish?

    Gee, guess I wasted my time taking CPR.

  167. #167 mozzie
    January 14, 2010

    I like how he keeps saying how dead she was. She was “totally dead” and “very dead”. Reminds me of the Princess bride “your friend here is only Mostly dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.”

  168. #168 wrpd4
    January 14, 2010

    All you need to have to cleanse leopards is one large mechanical tongue. I think there was a Gary Larson cartoon about this.

  169. #169 Nick
    January 14, 2010

    I am thinking that, in the scheme of things, if God was going to hand out some amazing super powers to a perso, the ability to put a shine on a Leopards coat would not be at the top of the list.
    Unless God has a wicked sense of humour.
    Ok, things are starting to fall into place.

  170. #170 Kausik Datta
    January 14, 2010

    Cuttlefish, I am sorry, but FATWAH on you!
    (FATWAH = For All The Win Always, Hands-down) :D

    This was surely one of your best. Well, recent best. At least, a star amongst a dazzling galaxy. I read your poem aloud to my wife, and both of us were nodding our head at sheer amazement.

  171. #171 Evil Merodach
    January 14, 2010

    As one of the dead that has been recently risen, I am shocked, just shocked at all your unkind and inappropriate responses. You are all close-minded and impious, and will surely know the hellfire when your time comes.

    Now I just wish my flesh would quit sloughing off and my terrible hunger for brainz would abate. Any ideas?

  172. #172 Dahan
    January 14, 2010

    Cogito @ 134,

    Sorry, I gotta do it:

    And i giggled when he described the doctor who headed up the clinic he visited – apparently, he was a MEDICAL doctor. You know, as opposed to a doctor of fine arts or something.

    Actually, that would have been a real miracle. There’s not such thing as a Doctorate of Fine Arts. MFA is a terminal degree.

  173. #173 Dahan
    January 14, 2010

    Dang! Forgot to take off the blockquote… sorry.

  174. #174 'Tis Himself, OM
    January 14, 2010

    Now I just wish my flesh would quit sloughing off and my terrible hunger for brainz would abate. Any ideas?

    Armour has just the thing for you.

  175. #175 Carlie
    January 14, 2010

    Don’t suppose that poor Ugandan woman could have been suffering from catatonia?

  176. #176 Rincewind'smuse
    January 14, 2010

    @103,

    I didn’t hear anything that sounded like “leopards”. Wasn’t curing a leper one of the alleged miracles of the alleged Jesus character

    Yeah, but it’s so much more fun to imagine things the other way. The mental image of this clown attempting to dunk a leopard….makes me smile….

  177. #177 Kristine
    January 14, 2010

    “And you know what else, people? That woman was alive again – and monkeys were flying out of her ass. I mean, monkeys. Out of her ass. Are you with me on this? And they all had crowns on! All of these monkeys, that were flying out of this resurrected woman’s ass, had rhinestone tiaras on! Can you believe that? And they were all holding magic wands! And one of them said, ‘If we came out of this woman’s ass, why is her ass still here?’”

    Fiction. Anyone can write it.

  178. #178 Patricia, Queen of Sluts OM
    January 14, 2010

    #171 – Vienna Sausages wrapped in bacon and fried in butter, served between two slices of Spam fried in lard.

  179. #179 Mythopoeikon
    January 14, 2010

    @Christine

    Yes, anyone can write fiction. But good fiction is hard to come by, and of course, one of the main virtues of fiction, is that it doesn’t require of you to actually believe it is for real.

    Xians, by other hand…

  180. #180 Ellie
    January 14, 2010

    That video makes my skin crawl. He doesn’t even look as though he close to believes it himself. I look into his eyes and I see evil – or I would if I believed in it.

  181. #181 OurDeadSelves
    January 14, 2010

    @Ant
    Just remember to aim for the head. Separate the brain from the body.

    Always follow rule #4: Doubletap.

    http://www.horror-movies.ca/horror_16631.html

  182. #182 Olowkow
    January 14, 2010

    And I thought Pat Robertson was batshit nutters. This dude is triple guano nuts. Careful guys, she was just dead! I don’t think anyone has ever uttered that before in the history of man.

  183. #183 https://me.yahoo.com/a/qKdeDXIR0Y60AJm4rkdqBYupROCHDjxwU6fsDQWz#1c354
    January 14, 2010

    to think there must have been a ton of guys like him back then when it was easier to get away with it. He could serve as an example of every religious founder.

  184. #184 yammerschooner.yammerschooner
    January 14, 2010

    Wonder Woman’s sister Pamela Carter has a sh!tload of crazy on this website as well . . .
    http://www.xpmedia.com/channel/pcarter

  185. #185 wrpd4
    January 14, 2010

    Dr. Stephen Colbert has an honorary doctorate in fine arts from my alma mater, Knox College.

  186. #186 Mena
    January 14, 2010

    He may want to think over the statement “He’s not dead, he’s just sleeping”. Maybe people telling him that are right and he is wrong.

  187. #187 Janine, Mistress Of Foul Mouth Abuse, OM
    January 14, 2010
  188. #188 Cowcakes
    January 15, 2010
  189. #189 tifflywiffly
    January 15, 2010

    Mmmmmmmm… zombie baby.

    It’s like aged veal for atheists.

  190. #190 Bebette
    January 15, 2010

    Oh wow! I sent this in after being finding it on a random link! I couldn’t be more proud of…um…being guilty of stumbling around a fundie site?

    Well don’t hold it against me, I have strange surfing habits late at night. But this guy made me lose a little sleep, in part because I have family who believe some of this garbage too.

    Worse yet, they’d really really really like to convert me as well. I’m beginning to wonder if they’ve been secretly raised from the dead already…they’re relentless and they want me to give up my braaaaaaainz for creationism.

    But just in case, next time I see a dead guy, I’m totally going to try to yell his ass up. Can’t hurt, right?

  191. #191 Cowcakes
    January 15, 2010

    On the same site there is also an Interview with a Zombie. http://www.xpmedia.com/channel/pcarter

    WARNING unless you have a very strong constitution and immunity to mindless woo-drivel do not look at these videos. You’ve been warned.

    In a Modern day resurection Pamela interviews Valerie Paters who was in Heaven for three days with Jesus. Cheryl Schuelke prays her back from the dead

    You don’t get to meet the Zombie until part 4

    http://www.xpmedia.com/d0qiY4H2t4zV

    Definitely a C Grade effort compared to “An Interview with a Vampire”. Vampires are much more interesting and believable so on this basis must be considered the higher from of undead.

  192. #192 Crewvy
    January 15, 2010

    I don`t know how any of you masochists managed to watch any of that, but here`s more

    http://www.livescience.com/strangenews/pat-robertson-haiti-curses.html

  193. #193 eddie
    January 15, 2010

    Does the sidebar advertising Herbert W Armstrong’s Radio Church of God count as raising the dead?

    I’m all in favour of your taking money from these people, and putting it to good use.

  194. #194 Strangest brew
    January 15, 2010

    What is really sinister about this nonsense is that the hard of rational thought buy this crap without questions asked.

    That a lying fucking amoral dollop of quasi-religio sanctimonious xian bullshit spouts this kind of necrophiliac insanity is par for the course, for a less then honourable xian with an eye on the cash and the young nubiles in his gang of the demented.
    Is as it has always been, just fleecing the retarded, a traditional xian based opportunity.

    What really is a worry is that folks actually believe in the claims made, that is beyond forgiveness of either the lying fucktard or the targets for his speel.

    That they are obviously vulnerable to to the sky fairy fandango is one thing, to believe in raising the dead is a failure of mentally epic proportions.
    Goes to prove that xianity in all its various incarnations is a fundamentally evil and cynical operation that wants money and prestige more then the spiritual awareness they are supposed to be flogging.
    They are in thrall of a dogma that is just an extension of fundamental superstition in the rational world.
    They prefer the ‘bump’ in the night to be supernatural rather then just air trapped in the plumbing system!

    And the bleating for respect is just a way to pretend legitimisation of the criminality, a little wheeze that all the major religions utilize. none more so then the xian delusion!

    Let the fools believe it then, sooner or later they are going to get a shock to their pompous arrogant stupidity and the betting is they will suddenly come to an obvious conclusion.
    If not then they will certainly end up in jail or an institution where the cuckoos fly… for eventually holding a crypt party to end them all!

  195. #195 Leigh Williams
    January 15, 2010

    We need to find a way to stop their lies from being effective on people: inoculate them, somehow. Unfortunately, the kind of people that his lies excite and motivate aren’t the ones that rationalism works on. At all.

    You can’t fix stupid, sweetie.

  196. #196 Blind Squirrel FCD
    January 15, 2010

    Once upon a time there was a strange xian sect (redundant, I know) in northern MN. The parents of one of the families involved needed a break, so a friend of mine volunteered to baby sit while they visited a local park, the Temperance river, so called because it has no bar at the mouth. (really!) The husband promptly fell in above the cauldrons. Think frog in a blender. Well, the survivor and her fellow sect members didn’t come home and didn’t come home until quite late. It turns out they were praying over the corpse in an attempt to bring it back to life. The hospital finally kicked them out.

    BS

  197. #197 raven
    January 15, 2010

    bsquirrel:

    The husband promptly fell in above the cauldrons. {and drowned}

    Leigh Williams:

    You can’t fix stupid, sweetie.

    Well that is a perfectly horrible and pathetic story. But how dumb does the guy need to be to fall into a river and drown? In a park?

    Fundie xians do this a lot. When someone dies or they kill them by medical neglect, they sit around and pray for hours and days that they will come back to life. Never heard of it working.

  198. #198 Blind Squirrel FCD
    January 15, 2010

    Well that is a perfectly horrible and pathetic story. But how dumb does the guy need to be to fall into a river and drown? In a park?

    Well, it is a wet and sloping area with no railings, but yeh.

    BS

  199. #199 Strangest brew
    January 15, 2010

    Really is a wonder that so many xian clones have worked out how to breath and pray at the same time…
    Labelling them hysterical clowns does a disservice to an honourable profession!

  200. #200 deriamis
    January 15, 2010

    @386sx #6:
    Yes, and you must always respect his authoritah, too. Never forget that.

  201. #201 coughlanbrianm
    January 15, 2010

    @Raven
    Never heard of it working.

    Well excuse me, but you’re obviously not paying attention. You HAVE heard of it working. Randy Demain just gave moving testimony on this very subject. The african lady, and the baby.

    What could be more compelling than a personal witness, from a man of God no less?

    Other than perhaps having a 3rd party write the testimony down, several decades after the events in question, in an obscure text of uncertain provenance with multiple, frequently contradictory copies, and then letting a few thousand years go by.

    If Randy could arrange that, I’d be totally sold.

  202. #202 https://www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawl9WpXEUJqLBP5npB7HxT_C5z7MLxhYqH4
    January 15, 2010

    My girlfried actually works with people like this. She’s a psychologist and treats people with psychosis and an additional drug addiction problem. Currently the most disturbed one is a guy who wants to have a sex change, talks loudly with things only he can see beside and behind you and claims to hear hundreds of voices in his head, being the voices of all the animals he has eaten. Whose “eggs” are clustering around his heart.
    All in full sincerety.

    This guy actually is very close, concerning mental illness.

  203. #203 martha
    January 15, 2010

    My bet is that he is a psychopath or at least a narcissist, and there is no illness to be cured

    And he said: Get up woman! I have things to do!

    And the Christians chased her down, tackled her and she converted.

    Wonder what else his little Christian gang is up to.

  204. #204 Strangest brew
    January 15, 2010

    #203

    “Wonder what else his little Christian gang is up to.”

    Let us try and imagine…

    What have we got?

    Dead Bodies…presumably male and female

    Animated but challenged bodies of the same ilk!

    Divorce from reality.

    Penchant for weirdness.

    Sexually dysfunctional…a xian default position.

    Forgiveness from their sky daddy

    This is going nowhere particularly good methinks!

  205. #205 SparrowFalls
    January 15, 2010

    The arcane revivification skills are obviously a holdover from Noah’s time.

    To get all those animals in to the big boat Noah killed them two by two, and then stacked them in the cargo hold. On the cruise, no food problem, no poop problem, just a lot of hocus pocus at the disembarkation. I guess he couldn’t manage to zap the unicorns and dinosaurs back to life though.

    Or, of course, it might all be a myth.

  206. #206 Kausik Datta
    January 15, 2010

    Ellie @180:

    I look into his eyes and I see evil – or I would if I believed in it.

    Oh, you better believe in evil. It exists. Peek into the minds of likes of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh, and you’d see what I mean.

    Last night, I heard Rush Limbaugh rant (in a Daily Show video) that the Haiti tragedy was good for varnishing President Obama’s image in the world; apparently, Obama could not resist this opportunity of sprucing up his political career by promising financial aid for the disaster recovery and rehabilitation efforts in Haiti.

    And you know how this evil touches our lives? Poor Haitians, according to one first-hand eye-witness account, are already blaming themselves for the natural calamity, thinking of tragedy as ‘divine retribution’ for their unknown sins.

    Am I livid? You bet.

  207. #207 marcus
    January 15, 2010

    @#206 Yeah, Bush’s response to the Katrina victims was much more Christian and Rethuglican. “Run for your lives sinners!”

  208. #208 Kristine
    January 15, 2010

    It would be funny if “the woman” sued Mr. Resurrection for bringing her back from that Better Place.

  209. #209 raven
    January 15, 2010

    What could be more compelling than a personal witness, from a man of God no less?

    Gee, that is a tough question.

    How about those Nigerian princes who need help moving %50 million USD out of the country and want to use my bank account?

    Or those people that sell perpetual motion machines?

    Or the ones that can prove the earth is 6,000 years old?

  210. #210 coughlanbrianm
    January 15, 2010

    @Raven. #209

    I’m mystified as to what point you are trying to make here.

    Why wouldn’t you want to help someone with $50 million dollars? As for a perpetual motion machine … imagine what a break through such a machine would represent in the power generation sphere. I mean the name speaks for itself!

    I’ll will however, grant you that the 6,000 year old Earth is a tough sell.

  211. #211 https://www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawnGcZ3_INW1aO_HIEuXUfZazATlPhT_SQw
    January 15, 2010

    I didn’t get any further than the vid caption:

    “Randy teaching will encourage and inspire you to obey God’s instructions to raise the dead.”

    So, where’s this randy teaching? I want some.

  212. #212 The Countess
    January 15, 2010

    Meet Randy Demain. He has raised the dead, and does it all the time. It’s easy. You just go up to an old corpse and tell it to get up, and poof, it’ll hop up and start running around.

    Meh. If I wanted to see zombies I’d just watch “28 Days Later”. And I bet those zombies move a lot faster than Demain’s zombies. :)

  213. #213 anik
    January 15, 2010

    @KOPD42:

    “In the New Testament, it says that prayer can move mountains. No one has ever seen that either.”

    …”Did it say how quickly?”….

    Answer: up to an inch or more a year depending which tectonic plate the mountain is on…

  214. #214 SmilingSkeptic
    January 15, 2010

    So, if resurrection really is this easy, doesn’t it make the whole Zombie Jesus thing a little less special?

  215. #215 raven
    January 16, 2010

    So, if resurrection really is this easy, doesn’t it make the whole Zombie Jesus thing a little less special?

    Good point. If raising the dead is so easy that any Tom, Dick, or Randy can do it, what is so special about jesus?

    One of his own followers could have resurrected him and no one would either know or believe he did it himself.

    Jesus just ends up being one of a long history of Zombies.

    For that matter why are the people resurrected always nameless people in third world countries. Why don’t they ever resurrect anyone famous? John Kennedy, Michael Jackson, Pope John Paul, John Lennon, Janis Joplin, Einstein, Elvis, and a zillion other people would be much more worthwhile. And notable.

  216. #216 negentropyeater
    January 16, 2010

    raven,
    hadn’t Michael Jackson already been a zombie ?

  217. #217 raven
    January 16, 2010

    hadn’t Michael Jackson already been a zombie ?

    LOL, yeah, I remember Thriller. That was at the dawn of MTV and when Michael still had talent and sanity.

  218. #218 Rincewind'smuse
    January 16, 2010

    @ 215,

    John Kennedy, Michael Jackson, Pope John Paul, John Lennon, Janis Joplin, Einstein, Elvis, and a zillion other people would be much more worthwhile. And notable

    Ooh…..people would pay good money to see that…you’d think they’d be right on that getting rich….you know for god and all…

  219. #219 Ichthyic
    January 17, 2010

    200 comments and nobody saw the obvious?

    the con man was conned!

    I bet what really happened was close to how he describes it in the beginning…

    Two men whose language he can’t comprehend because he is too simple and lazy to bother, lead him to a field to a “dead companion”. when she “rises from the dead” they take her to the church…

    where she promptly steals the cashbox.

    that’s probably the only bit of truth to the whole thing.

    he was conned into bringing a set of thieves into his church, and made up the rest of the story to save face.

    I bet he never actually got the money back, or ever saw the woman or her associates again.

    I bet 5 bucks that’s a lot closer to what actually happened.

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