Pharyngula

There was another poll out there that I studiously ignored, because I was on it: Which miracle do you think Americans would most support? One of the possible answers was “PZ Myers publicly converts from atheism to follow the One True God.”

I think it was a very poor choice, because one of the ways that could happen, which would require no miracle at all, is brain damage. Alas, I have won. Now I have to be a little concerned that devout Christians will be after me with a baseball bat.

So here’s an important caveat: traumatic brain injury or organic deterioration do not count. You’re going to have to convert me with reason, logic, and evidence in order for my conversion to count as a miracle. And trust me, since Christians don’t have any of those, it really would be a miracle.

Oh, wait. Is the One True God the Flying Spaghetti Monster, though? There’s a chance there.

Comments

#1 Janine, Mistress Of Foul Mouth Abuse, OM
January 26, 2010

Anthony Flew and Raving Atheist, here we come.
#2 Insightful Ape
January 26, 2010

The miracle that would impress me the most would be the trolling “professor” dendy having an attack of common sense.
#3 Rutee, Shrieking Harpy of Dooooom
January 26, 2010

…..These people have no god damn sense of irony.

UPDATE: I see PZ Myers? conversion is narrowly in the lead, followed closely by Stephen Hawking being cured, Osama bin Laden turning himself in (to what, I wonder? What?s that about, Blessing? That?d just prove he knew he was about to be caught!) and the pornographer walking again.
#4 Rev. BigDumbChimp
January 26, 2010

Oh, wait. Is the One True God the Flying Spaghetti Monster, though? There’s a chance there.

Cosmic Muffin
#5 Glen Davidson
January 26, 2010

Trick question, since one can’t follow the “One True God” that doesn’t exist. Does Ray Comfort actually follow the One True God?

So I suppose if the One True God comes into being because of PZ converting, I suppose I’d believe too. Most likely in PZ as God.

Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/mxaa3p
#6 alysonmiers
January 26, 2010

Dude, they spelled your name right! Amazing!
#7 Sastra
January 26, 2010

Looked around the site a bit, and it looks like a Poe to me. They want to answer the question of why God won’t heal amputees by showing that He WILL heal even amputees if you have enough people praying for a single, specific healing? I don’t buy it.

There’s another part where they say that someone “is a Christian woman, so there is no doubt she’ll keep her word.” A bit too glib — real fundies aren’t quite this obviously simple.

I think you won the poll because your fans made the site, read the site, and voted for you. My guess.
#8 Legion
January 26, 2010

PZ:

One of the possible answers was “PZ Myers publicly converts from atheism to follow the One True God.”

Sounds like fodder for an epic April Fools gag.

Sastra:

There’s another part where they say that someone “is a Christian woman, so there is no doubt she’ll keep her word.” A bit too glib — real fundies aren’t quite this obviously simple.

Actually, many are. We recall that during the 2000 presidential campaign, a coworker, a rather likable christian fellow declared that he was going to vote for GWB. His reasoning was that he felt confident voting for Bush because he (Bush) seemed to be a man of god.

We tossed out some domestic and international issues — things like the economy, housing, healthcare, the middle east, and our friend was unimpressed with all of them. The fact that he believed Bush was a christian was all that mattered.

A similar thing happened in 2008 when a lawyer friend declared that he was voting for McCain/Palin, ostensibly because they were christians. This same lawyer recommended a real estate agent to me who turned out to be a professional turd.
#9 kiyaroru
January 26, 2010

Since *the one true god* is everywhere, wouldn’t following it involve running around in circles?

I don’t think the poll was pharyngulated. The total vote was only 390 votes.
#10 Andreas Johansson
January 26, 2010

A similar thing happened in 2008 when a lawyer friend declared that he was voting for McCain/Palin, ostensibly because they were christians.

And Obama is what?

Wait, on second thoughts, don’t answer that.
#11 AdamK
January 26, 2010

I, AdamK, am the One True God.

Thou shalt have no other gods before me, etc.

Also, tithe. A lot.
#12 Brownian, OM
January 26, 2010

Looked around the site a bit, and it looks like a Poe to me.

I was also able to comment with absolutely no hassle at all. How very unChristian of the website.
#13 Becky
January 26, 2010

PZ can I interest you in Poontology?

Poontology combines the best aspects of church and Scientology with strippers! It’s the world?s first poon based religion, we believe that the universe was created by the Goddess Krystal in a coupling with her anonymous male patron and she nuzzles the world in her bosom, the stars we see is he reflection of the baby oil glistening on her naked breasts.
Church service:
-For straight men & lesbians: hot priestess pole dancing, communion of hot wings or potato skins and beer wine or beverage of your choice.
– For women & homosexuals hot priests providing facials and massages
– For the kids: no kids allowed, must be 18 or older to join the religion
Oh and a lap dance is a healing ritual called the laying on of thighs
Poontology afterlife (For straight men & lesbians): 72 women of considerable experience!
The afterlife for straight women & gay men: what ever you want
#14 Leon
January 26, 2010

Oh, wait. Is the One True God the Flying Spaghetti Monster, though? There’s a chance there.

Or perhaps this One True God is Cthulhu!
#15 deusexeverriculum
January 26, 2010

I just ran across that poll via Invisible Pink Unicorn, (another deity that might have a shot at converting PZ), and my first thought was, “PZ really gets under their skin just by existing, doesn’t he?” But my next thought was, “Did they really put the ‘let’s pray for Obama to die’ thing on their poll and try to cover by pretending it was a joke?”
#16 Legion
January 26, 2010

-For straight men & lesbians: hot priestess pole dancing, communion of hot wings or potato skins and beer wine or beverage of your choice.

Hey, can we super-size that beverage? And will somebody bring us another bucket of wings?
#17 MaleficVTwin
January 26, 2010

I voted in that poll, for Other.

My “miracle” was ‘Fundie Christians shut the hell up and keep their faith to themselves’.

Yeah, I won’t hold my breath.
#18 Rutee, Shrieking Harpy of Dooooom
January 26, 2010

@13: CAn I get a facial while watching the priestess strippers, or is that the deluxe service?
#19 MadScientist
January 26, 2010

The gluten intolerant reject Pasta; fortunately for them His Noodliness doesn’t let that upset him. The catlick god on the other hand gave them the gluten intolerance and will send them to hell for not eating his crackerjesus.
#20 John Twilley
January 26, 2010

Ah. PZ is correct!
There is goodness in pasta.
And Beer.
And strippers.

May you soon be embraced by his noodly appendages…

All hail the FSM!!

RAmen,

Brother John
#21 MadScientist
January 26, 2010

@Legion: haha – dyslexia got the better of me again and I saw “McPain/Callin” and was wondering who the hell those were.
#22 MetzO'Magic
January 26, 2010

Oh, wait. Is the One True God the Flying Spaghetti Monster, though? There’s a chance there.

Well…

FSM protect us!

I think there’s a good case to be made for correlation = causation here. PZed asked for a sign, and he got it.
#23 eddie
January 26, 2010

Sorry, OT. But I only seen the ad on this topic, tho it’s probly everywhere by now.
In a sidebar ad:
“…????????????????????????????????????????????????????…”

WTF?
#24 Legion
January 26, 2010

MadScientist:

McPain/Callin

Haw! That is so appropriate on so many levels.
#25 MadScientist
January 26, 2010

[OT] If this claim is true, it’s absolutely hilarious:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100126/ap_on_re_eu/eu_vatican_john_paul_ii

The previous pope was a sado-masochist. Not as big a sado-masochist as the Master Zombie though – he didn’t get the Romans to crucify him just for laughs. Now if he’d been true to the Nicaean Creed and had been “… crucified, died, and was buried. He arose from the dead …” that would be a miracle. But he’s just a decomposing ex-masochist. That doesn’t seem to be an impediment to the church declaring that he’d worked miracles (while dead no less) and making St. Masochist. Honestly I’m surprised we haven’t got St. Hitler yet; after all some vile stark raving mad Austrian royalty had been beatified by the current pope. Maybe after another generation or two of Holocaust Denial … then we can have catlick creeds with begin with “Hail Holy Hitler” or something.
#26 'Tis Himself, OM
January 26, 2010

Now I’m winning polls where I don’t even try

Don’t blame me. I voted for Stephen Hawking to be cured.
#27 https://me.yahoo.com/a/NxE_lE0Lh_9JksaAqRedu6R7Vg--#bf6f6
January 26, 2010

Perhaps a link to this poll should be kept handy for the next time PZ is accused of obsessing over Christians.
#28 Gyeong Hwa Pak, the Pikachu of Anthropology
January 26, 2010

..????????????????????????????????????????????????????…

Is that a the script for some type of Chinese/Japanese/Korean creole language?
#29 dkbuck
January 26, 2010

Ok, time to convert PZ. Here’s my ultimate proof of the existence of God:

1) There is absolutely no evidence that there is a God
2) Many people believe in God despite #1
3) Belief without evidence is irrational behavior
4) Organisms that behave irrationally tend to die by natural selection
5) Since 2) many people believe in God, natural selection must not work
6) Evolution is wrong
7) The only other alternative is that God exists and created everything QED

The nice thing about this proof is that it openly admits that people who accept this proof are irrational so rational arguments to refute it are pointless.
#30 Ol'Greg
January 26, 2010

When I first heard of that site I was sure it was a giant poe. I hope not, because at this point it wouldn’t even be funny anymore.
#31 rengdahl
January 26, 2010

“You’re going to have to convert me with reason, logic, and evidence in order for my conversion to count as a miracle.”

But doesn’t all that reason, logic, and evidence sorta obviate…

Aww, never mind. Onward Christian soldiers — pray hard, and be sure to close your eyes really, really tight!
#32 sandlin.john
January 26, 2010

The problem I have with that poll is how it starts… the question is what do I think most Americans would want. What most Americans would want is more beer!

JBS
#33 truth machine, OM
January 26, 2010

A bit too glib — real fundies aren’t quite this obviously simple.

Wrong again. You need to get out more, and lay off the selective perception. It might help to google shirlee+trig
#34 creating trons
January 26, 2010

I also voted for Stephen Hawking to be cured.
#35 blf
January 26, 2010

..????????????????????????????????????????????????????…

Is that a the script for some type of Chinese/Japanese/Korean creole language?

Well, Thor was about to try and concert Professional Poopyhead Little Pee Zed by the time-proven method of zapping him with lightening and some mighty thundering, but he’s a bit out of practice, and… The last of the fires are now out, and the initial structural survey suggests it will be possible to rebuilt Valhalla, over, say, the next two or three millennia. And with all the records destroyed, the tithing will have to be restarted from scratch, which will further delay things.

The other residents are not happy. That’s the not-so-faint echos of them swearing at Thor and him hollering back, plus the servants offering some after-dinner chocolates. It gets distorted by space, time, and impossibility of puny humans understanding the secret language of the �sir.
#36 blf
January 26, 2010

concert? convert. ??????!???it.
#37 Gyeong Hwa Pak, the Pikachu of Anthropology
January 26, 2010

It gets distorted by space, time, and impossibility of puny humans understanding the secret language of the �sir.

So their language uses incomplete Hangul, Hanzi, and Kana with numerical blocks and stars? Intriguing.
#38 Dianne
January 26, 2010

You’re going to have to convert me with reason, logic, and evidence in order for my conversion to count as a miracle.

Would showing you a babblefish work?
#39 bart.mitchell
January 26, 2010

Dont blame me, I voted for healing Larry Flint.
#40 QuarkyGideon
January 26, 2010

Nah this will not be the miracle of the century.

The miracle of the century will be a creationist actually providing evidence for their claims.
#41 https://www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawlxaxJ6JYDzCp_qgG71xgFof823Yb-cs_c
January 26, 2010

Evangelizing the OTG and Cephalopods. That would make for an interesting blog.
#42 https://me.yahoo.com/hairychris444#96384
January 26, 2010

Or perhaps this One True God is Cthulhu!

I, for one, will welcome our tentacled overlord.
#43 https://me.yahoo.com/a/65L6hp58sJR27IqJ9Gqb4.TnnNo-#cf793
January 26, 2010

I’m pretty sure that poll was linked or mentioned in a comment on a prior post here, so that qualifies as Pharyngulization. (Maybe a link from a link, so? more tenuous. But I do think that’s how I found it.)

I myself voted for the “Virgin Mary in the Sun” one ? it was (if I understood it correctly) the only one that actually defied how we know reality to work. Even paralysis curing is well within the bounds of scientific possibility.

It’s amazing how subtle is the line between genuine and Poe ? I think their mistake of cpaitalizing “One True” in “One True God” robs them of some believability. Also, saying the president ought to die JK LOL HURR. That sort of thing really saps your efforts to look compassionate?
#44 Raye
January 26, 2010

Ben Templesmith (a comic book artist) is starting a religion:

http://bentemplesmith.blogspot.com/2010/01/in-squid-we-trust.html

would you accept THAT OTG? he even has proof:

http://bentemplesmith.blogspot.com/2010/01/car-accident.html

“Oh, and for the religious among you, the One True God, the Giant Space Squid definitely saved my life. All the tea and brownies paid off. Obviously, my religion is now validated.”
#45 Strangest brew
January 26, 2010

#25

“If this claim is true, it’s absolutely hilarious…”

As far as I have been able to work out it is absolutely bona fide!
Came across that snippet a couple of years back.
The Vatican are not happy it is out but out it is.

Used to do it apparently several times a week sometimes everyday depending on his hysteria addled psyche.

He also ratified that cult within a cult, Opus dei whose charter came up for renewal during his watch!

It is not a Dan Brown exaggeration or fabrication.
It is voluntary but encouraged shall we say!
He was showing solidarity methinks, been doing it since a lowly priest, if that is not sexually inadequate dysfunctional guilt masquerading as dogmatic masochistic righteousness no idea what is?
And the Vatican turns a blind eye, fucking moronic fools!
It is mental retardation…period!
#46 Prometheus
January 26, 2010

PZ, I think you should take them up on this one! Arrange for a specific time and date for all the prayers to converge on you at the same time and do it all live. You could be giving a speech about godlessness and you could get a lot of believers watching you to see if you keep the heart to continue – all while you are scientifically proving the futility of prayer.
#47 Peter G.
January 26, 2010

As a founding member of The church of the Sliced SusScrofa I invite you to listen to our message. You have but to move toward the sizzle and the truth will be revealed.
#48 DominEditrix
January 26, 2010

Oh, come on – self-mortification is a long-standing tradition in the Catholic church. That JP II engaged in it is not particularly surprising, nor does it make him a masochist. It just makes him a heavy-duty believer in woo, which is probably convenient in a pope.
#49 joeyess
January 26, 2010

Oh, wait. Is the One True God the Flying Spaghetti Monster, though? There’s a chance there.

Damn straight, there Skippy.
#50 One Furious Llama
January 26, 2010

Yet another demonstration of the awesome super powers of PZ Myers. Rain and snow at the same time and now winning polls without even trying!

I just recently invented a religion. I follow a holy llama named Bob, from Bombay, who created the world by sneezing one fine October morning. Bob has a speech impediment and so, I am the only one who can properly understand him. Bob is happy that PZ has managed to learn to use his llama given super powers and would love for PZ to follow him properly. He also says that you all should send your money to me.

That is all.
#51 Nick
January 26, 2010

Maybe there will be another poll to decide which of the One True God’s is the One True God, so that you’ll know, when the miracle occurs, who to thank.
#52 Miki Z
January 26, 2010

Oh, come on – self-mortification is a long-standing tradition in the Catholic church. That JP II engaged in it is not particularly surprising, nor does it make him a masochist. It just makes him a heavy-duty believer in woo, which is probably convenient in a pope.

I thought I had clear feelings on this, but now I’m not sure if I want the Pontiff™ to be cynically manipulating a billion or so people, or if I would prefer that he be doing so in delusion.
#53 Strangest brew
January 26, 2010

#25

“If this claim is true, it’s absolutely hilarious…”

As far as I have been able to work out it is absolutely bona fide!
Came across that snippet a couple of years back.
The Vatican are not happy it is out but out it is.

Used to do it apparently several times a week sometimes everyday depending on his hysteria addled psyche.

He also ratified that cult within a cult, Opus dei whose charter came up for renewal during his watch!

It is not a Dan Brown exaggeration or fabrication.
It is voluntary but encouraged shall we say!
He was showing solidarity methinks, been doing it since a lowly priest, if that is not sexually inadequate dysfunctional guilt masquerading as dogmatic masochistic righteousness no idea what is?
And the Vatican turns a blind eye, fucking moronic fools!
It is mental retardation…period!

Wikki…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-harm#Psychological_factors

“(DSM-IV-TR) as a symptom of borderline personality disorder. However patients with other diagnoses may also self-harm, including those with depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, schizophrenia, and several personality disorders.”

This might well be exacerbated by enthusiastic woo hysteria but the underlying cause is mental diminishement of capacity.
He also had issues with eating apparently, explained as ‘fasting’.
#54 MikeTheInfidel
January 26, 2010

The site is absolutely a Poe. It started as Pray4Trig, a website that was asking Christians to pray to cure Trig Palin’s Down’s Syndrome.

The verses they’re quoting, about Jesus assuring people that their prayers would be answered the way they asked? Christians NEVER argue that those mean what they say. They argue that you’re not supposed to put God to the test, and that God isn’t a genie who will grant your wishes.

Definitely, definitely not real, and I’m finding my forehead raw from all the facepalming at the oblivious commenters on the site.
#55 Traveler
January 26, 2010

I’m holding out for “PZ Myers sequences the genome of the One True God” as my miracle.
#56 Sven DiMilo
January 26, 2010

devout Christians will be after me with a baseball bat

oh, man, you don’t want that.
I watched Casino last night.
#57 Paul
January 26, 2010

The verses they’re quoting, about Jesus assuring people that their prayers would be answered the way they asked? Christians NEVER argue that those mean what they say. They argue that you’re not supposed to put God to the test, and that God isn’t a genie who will grant your wishes.

Please tell this to the church I attended in my teens, which maintained a list of sick and injured people to pray for, with said verses smack-dab at the top of the handout. They made a big deal out of it when people got better just the way they asked, not so much when they died.
#58 jnnydnti
January 26, 2010

They argue that you’re not supposed to put God to the test, and that God isn’t a genie who will grant your wishes.

There are a couple of cases in the news now about parents being tried for criminally negligent homicide because they preferred to pray instead of seek medical attention for their children.

Have you perhaps heard of “Christian Science”?

There are many who believe that they should pray for their imaginary friend to fix things for them. BUT, when it doesn’t “work”, they then decide “it wasn’t his plan” . . . a cop-out if ever there was one!

Why is it that praying for a visible and provable miracle is “testing god”, but praying that Aunt Martha’s cancer will go into remission, or that the {insert team name} will win the Super Series or the World Bowl, or that Driver #7 will get around the oval 35 times before Driver #12 does, is quite all right? I really don’t get that.

Either skydaddy grants wishes or he doesn’t.
#59 Don Smith
January 26, 2010

That poll question was the work of someone named Greg Laden. You wouldn’t perhaps know someone with that name, PZ, would you?
#60 fordiman
January 26, 2010

My answer:
“Christian fundamentalists give up trying to rule the US with an iron fist”
#61 Izzy
January 26, 2010

That Jean Paul II was engaging in self-mortification practices is not a surprise at all, as DominEditrix previously mentioned. In fact, hardcore catholics might debate that it couldn’t have been otherwise. In catholic literature, saints have practiced self-mortification for centuries. And any good catholic is encouraged to follow suit either by fasting, sacrificing something dear to them, etc. What’s even more troubling is that sometimes, faithful will first ask permission to their confessor before engaging in any self-mortification practice. After all, humility and obedience are the most prized virtues for catholics. Speaking as an ex-catholic of course!
#62 sqlrob
January 26, 2010

Or perhaps this One True God is Cthulhu!

Cthulhu is a priest, not a god.
#63 llewelly
January 26, 2010

Cthulhu is a priest, not a god.

But surely Cthulhu has been cannonized, enabling us to worship the Elder Gods through Cthulhu?
#64 Loim
January 26, 2010

A miraculous display. Like a vision of Mary if you stare at the sun.

I think this one is too easy to fake to be a miracle.

Oh wait, its a mircale therefore…
#65 lordshipmayhem
January 26, 2010

#63: “Cannonized” LOL!!! What calibre of cannon was he fired from!

PZ, I’d be glad to see you convert to the One True Religion, which is of course ice hockey. Hey, we won’t even force you to wear one of Don Cherry’s impossibly loud suits. ^_^

So, what position do you want to play, eh?
#66 MentalSandbox
January 27, 2010

I wonder what would happen if the god of Abraham actually descended from the heavens, tapped PZ on the shoulder, displayed a suitable miraculous proof (say, turning water into David Bowie), and asked him nicely to convert. If such unlikely, and lets face it, damn near impossible, events did come to pass wouldn’t PZ be the best evangelist ever? If god wants some more followers he should start performing miracles directly, Old Testament style.
#67 Armand K.
January 27, 2010

Re: Sastra, #7

A bit too glib — real fundies aren’t quite this obviously simple.

Wanna bet?

I’ve had some time ago a discussion with a Catholic friend about “go forth and multiply”. At some point, while talking about the continuous increase of Earth’s population, I pointed out that we barely have what to now and, indeed, people are starving in many regions. “And the population will continue to increase,” I argued.

Her response? “When we really won’t have enough resources on Earth, I’m certain God will make another Earth and move there part of us.”

(Yes, I know it’s anecdotal and you only have my word that it really happened.)
#68 plien
January 27, 2010

Mike;

The verses they’re quoting, about Jesus assuring people that their prayers would be answered the way they asked? Christians NEVER argue that those mean what they say. They argue that you’re not supposed to put God to the test, and that God isn’t a genie who will grant your wishes.

I think you’re right about the site, and that this is the position a lot of xtians take.
But i have a scriptural question about it;

How about Thomas? Sure Jesus told us that it is better to have faith, but Thomas was answered, not struck down as god is wont to do with followers who he is unhappy with.
Or how about Gideon, you know the guy they name those hotelbibles after? He tests god not once, not twice but three (3!) times. With a sheepskin no less!

So where do xtians get this idea that you can’t question god?
#69 John Morales
January 27, 2010

plien, the babble is full of contradictory verses; one can easily support pretty much any proposition either for or against based on it.

In this case, Romans 9:20.
#70 Occam's Machete
January 27, 2010

PZ said:

Now I’m winning polls where I don’t even try

not to mention inspiring* poll related strips at Jesus and Mo
* Who else could it be referring to?
#71 John Morales
January 27, 2010

Occam’s Machete, indeed.
#72 Moggie
January 27, 2010

#61:

And any good catholic is encouraged to follow suit either by fasting, sacrificing something dear to them, etc.

Fasting, meh. Check it in the Catholic Encyclopaedia. It seems that, to the modern Catholic, “fasting” can mean eating two meals a day, one of which can be a real mother of a blowout: “Whosoever therefore eats a hearty or sumptuous meal in order to bear the burden of fasting satisfies the obligation of fasting.” It seems the goalposts move, as people become less inclined to suffer for their beliefs: “Conscious of the conditions of our age, the Church is ever shaping the requirements of this obligation to meet the best interests of her children.” In time, the Catholic definition of fasting will be amended to mean “abstention from cheeseburgers”.
#73 plien
January 27, 2010

Romans 9:20 ;
Nay but, O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus?

Meh, i know the bable contradicts itself often, sometimes even in the same verse, but this is Paul saying we are impious for asking why we are made this way (jay greeks, well, romans in this case not a ban on all questions?
Oh, i guess this is where such rules come out as new is better than old testament, this goes before that and such tripe.
Can’t ask a believer to be consistent can we?
#74 God
January 28, 2010

I am the One True God.
#75 madbull
January 28, 2010

hey did PZ pick a target date for their conversion prayers to work ?
#76 edd.pastafarian
January 28, 2010

The FSM is definitely the One True God. We even have graphs to prove it!
#77 blf
January 28, 2010

We even have graphs to prove it!

But not hyperlinks.