Pharyngula

The things one learns on the internet — now I know the proper way to stimulate a bull elephant, in case the opportunity ever comes up. It looks strenuous and hazardous.

I’m also amazed at the way the elephant just stands there and accepts servicing by the team of creepy bipeds. If some small species of mammal tried to massage my prostate, I’d be on a rampage of squealing disgust trying to get the icky creatures out of my butt.

Comments

  1. #1 Bride of Shrek OM
    February 1, 2010

    . If some small species of mammal tried to massage my prostate, I’d be on a rampage of squealing disgust trying to get the icky creatures out of my butt.

    Thats what they all say

  2. #2 Bride of Shrek OM
    February 1, 2010

    . If some small species of mammal tried to massage my prostate, I’d be on a rampage of squealing disgust trying to get the icky creatures out of my butt.

    ..someone with less class than myself would be tempted to make a joke about Richard Gere and gerbils at this point.

  3. #3 llewelly
    February 1, 2010

    Right, but it’s an important step toward raising elephants for steak.

  4. #4 neon-elf.myopenid.com
    February 1, 2010

    Some elephants are just kinky that way.

    Next thing you know he’ll be visiting websites featuring human/pachyderm pr0n.

  5. #5 carlos.nunes-ueno.myopenid.com
    February 1, 2010

    “There’s a famous colleague that got a black eye from penis banging”

    I wonder in how many fields this statement can be made without the risk of a defamation suit.

    On another note, I’ve been reading The Ringworld Throne and I’m thinking that the elephants just have their own version of rishathra.

  6. #6 cousinavi
    February 1, 2010

    If some small species of mammal tried to massage my prostate, I’d be on a rampage of squealing disgust trying to get the icky creatures out of my butt.

    Methinks thou doth protest too specific.

  7. #7 carlos.nunes-ueno.myopenid.com
    February 1, 2010

    Also, what would the equivalent animal be for a human? A racoon? Or maybe some kind of lemur? I think at this moment there’s a site sprouting up featuring a guy being fisted by a shrew or something.

  8. #8 Sauceress
    February 1, 2010

    If some small species of mammal tried to massage my prostate, I’d be on a rampage of squealing disgust trying to get the icky creatures out of my butt.

    Reading that, I immediately imagine “Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1tfUaBezFo

  9. #9 MadScientist
    February 1, 2010

    Humph. Homocentric ferret-hater!

  10. #10 pjsouza
    February 1, 2010

    The things in you learn in a Monday morning thanks to the internet…

  11. #11 NewEnglandBob
    February 1, 2010

    What IS in that Irish coffee, PZ?

  12. #12 Andyo
    February 1, 2010

    That’s got to be a fun game of “guess my profession” at parties:

    “There’s a famous colleague who got a black eye from penis banging.”

  13. #13 Judy L.
    February 1, 2010

    So, we’ve got homosexual inter-species prostate-massage masturbation? Shouldn’t some merry band of fundies be all over this, decrying the sinfulness of it all?

  14. #14 Stephen Wells
    February 1, 2010

    One day, the guys trying to decode those elephant infrasonic communication rumbles will team up with the sperm collection guys. And we will discover the elephant equivalent for the phrase “Oh yeah, right there, right fucking there, monkey boy. Now spank me and call me Sarah.”

  15. #15 Naked Bunny with a Whip
    February 1, 2010

    Hmm. I guess I’d better not send PZ a copy of my illustrated fanfic, then.

  16. #16 FollowTheGourd
    February 1, 2010

    I can’t watch the video from work but is it anything like the giraffe scene from The League of Gentlemen’s Apocalypse?

  17. #17 MetzO'Magic
    February 1, 2010

    I’m almost afraid to ask, but is that video safe for work?

  18. #18 Escuerd
    February 1, 2010

    I’m also amazed at the way the elephant just stands there and accepts servicing by the team of creepy bipeds. If some small species of mammal tried to massage my prostate, I’d be on a rampage of squealing disgust trying to get the icky creatures out of my butt.

    Such an awesome quote.

  19. #19 Naked Bunny with a Whip
    February 1, 2010

    @MetzO’Magic: There are brief shots of a guy with his hand up an elephant’s ass, and the elephant’s resulting erection, so take that as you will.

  20. #20 Celtic_Evolution
    February 1, 2010

    I’ve never been so completely unsure about my desire to watch a video clip in my entire life… 8-/

  21. #21 davem
    February 1, 2010

    Squid porn + Guinness =–> Elephant Porn

  22. #22 Romeo Vitelli
    February 1, 2010

    I can truthfully say that the idea of masturbating an elephant never crossed my mind before. Now I don’t think I can ever go to the zoo again without being reminded of this. Damn you, Myers!

  23. #23 Naked Bunny with a Whip
    February 1, 2010

    It’s 50 seconds of people milling around and 3 seconds of squick.

  24. #24 Strangest brew
    February 1, 2010

    #22

    Sorry I got ta do this…I am prepared for the dungeon…might catch up on my reading!

    “Mum …Dad and prepubescent son at the zoo!

    Son to father…
    “Dad what is that big thing between that elephant’s back legs?

    Father to son…
    “Better ask your mother” says father a little embarrassed.

    Son trots over to mum and a conversation ensues…

    Son trots back to daddy…

    “Mum says that’s nothing”

    Dad to son…

    “Ahh! yeah well you see mummy is spoilt!”

    Got me the coat and on me way…apologies for an oldie but goldie!

  25. #25 drumprof
    February 1, 2010

    PZ…Its monday morning…second coffee in hand and I needed a good laugh…Thank You and have a good day,
    Darrell

  26. #26 Vadjong
    February 1, 2010

    I wanted to look up “proboscal sex”, but my mother got the dictionary banned.

  27. #27 https://me.yahoo.com/a/AKp_B_gSkpRDRUl5yBtgnnB0OHZG#94c23
    February 1, 2010

    Thanks for the mental image. Just what I needed to kick off my Monday morning…

    –Raynfala

  28. #28 Blondin
    February 1, 2010

    Years ago I worked for a company that repaired lab equipment for the local university (among other things) and one of the items that came in every once in a while was ram electro-ejaculators (this was in New Zealand). These were plastic devices that used a small pulsating current to stimulate the ram’s prostate (via the rectum). There were a number of jokes associated with them like asking the tech if tested it, putting up a “sign-out” sheet for anyone who wanted to borrow it for the weekend, etc.

  29. #29 Kane148
    February 1, 2010

    After seeing that, I now realize how I’ve been wasting my life…

  30. #30 Eidolon
    February 1, 2010

    “So – howdya get that black eye?”

    Now we have a better answer than a lame “I walked into a door.”

  31. #31 sonja1023
    February 1, 2010

    #28

    Blondin, I work in the veterinary field, and am familiar with those jokes. The best one wrote itself – the name of the contraption was the Accujack. Truth in advertising, I suppose.

    I will never forget the first time that we collected semen from a dog. Fortunately that’s a doctor job, not a tech job, because I am certainly not paid enough to masturbate a dog… ugh. So, for these keepers, it could be worse. In theory.

  32. #32 John Foust
    February 1, 2010

    That reminds me of an old joke:

    What’s grey and comes in quarts?

  33. #33 Krystalline Apostate
    February 1, 2010

    So…a pachyderm fluffer? Wow.
    On the serious side, this is (AIUI) a standard technique in animal husbandry, & is used on horses & cattle.

  34. #34 leepicton
    February 1, 2010

    There was a show on TV about dirty jobs and one was about how to milk valuable horses so their bloodlines could be more efficiently propagated. You should have seen the size of those condoms – on a proportional basis, probably bigger than an elephant’s. The most interesting part was the fact that one ejaculation was worth $14,000. The techs took their jobs VERY seriously.

  35. #35 Louis
    February 1, 2010

    “…there’s a famous colleague that got a black eye from penis banging…”

    {too many jokes, trying to keep brain intact, the pain, the pain}

    I’m going to lie down in a darkened room for a while. Actually no. I’m going to make myself a pitcher of pina coladas and drink until the mental images go away.

    Louis

  36. #36 Desert Son, OM
    February 1, 2010

    If you masturbate an elephant wrong, you might get a black eye

    Given the sheer mass of the pachyderm relative to a human, I’d worry that a black eye would be the least of repercussions to the corpus of the master, uh, baiter.

    Talk about “hazard pay.”

    Still learning,

    Robert

  37. #37 kalox
    February 1, 2010

    You just never know what you are going to learn today

  38. #38 slingshot2hell
    February 1, 2010

    What I don’t understand is why this is totally legal, but if you did this same thing and masturbated yourself at the same time, or used a penis to stimulate the elephant, it is illegal…

  39. #39 lykex
    February 1, 2010

    Presumably, if you just neglected to collect the semen, it would be illegal.

  40. #40 Amenhotepstein
    February 1, 2010

    I’d like to propose the use of the phrase “Masturbate the Elephant” as a euphemism for doing something unwise – kinda like “Tickling the Dragon’s Tail” – with the added implication that the act may be beneficial to the recipient but potentially embarrassing to the perpetrator.

    For example: “I heard Dawkins friended AiG on their Facebook page – he’d better stop masturbating the elephant!”

    Whadda ya’ll think? PZ?

  41. #41 Brownian, OM
    February 1, 2010

    If some small species of mammal tried to massage my prostate, I’d be on a rampage of squealing disgust trying to get the icky creatures out of my butt.

    Prude.

  42. #42 Sven DiMilo
    February 1, 2010

    fortunately, the icky creatures in my butt are nonmammalian

  43. #43 Sili
    February 1, 2010

    On another note, I’ve been reading The Ringworld Throne and I’m thinking that the elephants just have their own version of rishathra.

    *wikipeeks*

    Rishathra:

    In Larry Niven’s Ringworld novels, rishathra is “sexual practice outside one’s own species but within the intelligent hominoids.”[1] It is not generally considered a taboo and is often used by the myriad hominids of the Ringworld as a way of sealing agreements, such as trade contracts and peace treaties. Humans, though not native to the Ringworld, share a common descent with the hominids of the Ringworld and may participate freely in rishathra.[My emphasis]

    Yeah. You do need to modify that definition.

  44. #44 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    February 1, 2010

    If some small species of mammal tried to massage my prostate, I’d be on a rampage of squealing disgust trying to get the icky creatures out of my butt.

    Back to Buttweasels I see.

    It all comes full circle here.

  45. #45 Moggie
    February 1, 2010

    #38:

    What I don’t understand is why this is totally legal, but if you did this same thing and masturbated yourself at the same time, or used a penis to stimulate the elephant, it is illegal…

    Why so bitter? Can’t you leave that incident behind you and move on?

  46. #46 alysonmiers
    February 1, 2010

    The end of this post is probably the funniest thing I’ve seen in days.

  47. #47 Desert Son, OM
    February 1, 2010

    Non-sequitur, but I’m thinking “Creepy Bipeds” would be a great band name.

    Still learning,

    Robert

  48. #48 Palmtreez101
    February 1, 2010

    So I guess Tom Green did it wrong.

  49. #49 Stardrake
    February 1, 2010

    “If some small species of mammal tried to massage my prostate, I’d be on a rampage of squealing disgust trying to get the icky creatures out of my butt.”

    Ah, but what about some small species of cephalopod? Hmmmm?

  50. #50 MetzO'Magic
    February 1, 2010

    There are brief shots of a guy with his hand up an elephant’s ass, and the elephant’s resulting erection, so take that as you will.

    Thanks, Naked Bunny et. al.

    In the end, I erred on the side of caution and decided to watch it at home. Not as groundbreaking as I expected it to be. Bring on the squid pr0n, by all means.

  51. #51 steve
    February 1, 2010

    Veterinary lab tech: Dr. Myers, if you wanna come on back, we’ll show you how to do this so next time you don’t have to bring in the elephant, you can just bring in the semen.

    PZ: That’s ok, he follows me around too much as it is!

  52. #52 teamcinzano
    February 1, 2010

    Ray Comfort: “You see how the arm fits perfectly to stimulate the animal’s prostate. Surely it was designed with this purpose.”

    Someone should totally make a mashup.

  53. #53 atomjack
    February 1, 2010

    Inasmuch as an elephant’s penis is prehensile (thanks, Animal Planet- sometimes animal porn channel for that little tidbit), that elephant seems to have had a pretty good aim when he punished that perverted mammal fisting him. Just remember that the sex should be consensual.

  54. #54 atomjack
    February 1, 2010

    …reacharound, not fisting…

  55. #55 Blondin
    February 2, 2010

    Speaking of pachyderm fluffers, I hear the pay is peanuts but the tips are enormous!

  56. #56 ButchKitties
    February 3, 2010

    It’s a sign of my upbringing that this video seemed completely normal to me, although we horse breeders have generally abandoned manual stimulation for breeding dummies with artificial vaginas.

  57. #57 Stephen Wells
    February 4, 2010

    @56: I’m sure the stallions are very grateful for that.

    The RealHorse. Blimey. Technology advances once again.