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Category: Cephalopods • Humor
Posted on: February 8, 2010 6:23 PM, by PZ Myers
This article on why an octopus is more awesome than your mom is generally accurate and valid — octopuses probably are more awesome than your mom — but suffers a bit from an incomplete survey of moms. The author has not met the awesome mom of me, nor is he acquainted with the ferocious Trophy Wife™, who also happens to moonlight as the indomitable Trophy Mother™.
Otherwise, though, it is an acceptable overview of octopodal merits.
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Comments
Posted by: Maslab
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February 8, 2010 6:42 PM
Very entertaining. And, for a newcomer to the world of cephalopods, educational. Hilariously so.
Posted by: Audley Z. Darkheart OM, purveyor of candy and lies
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February 8, 2010 6:52 PM
I just sent that to my mom. Let's see how long it takes to get an angry phone call! :D
Posted by: Sastra
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February 8, 2010 7:05 PM
Okay, fine, on the one hand "we've got a murderous, smart creature capable of the most despicably awesome acts in the animal kingdom. It can become invisible, re-grow damaged limbs, shrink to impossible sizes, solve complex problems, blind predators, paralyze prey, and generally fuck with every other creature you saw in The Little Mermaid."
But will it let you play the video of The Little Mermaid over and over and over again until everyone in the house knows all the dialogue by heart?
Probably not, in which case I rest my case. Or, at least, I need to take a break while I think over the implications of a Trophy Mother.
Posted by: Glen Davidson
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February 8, 2010 7:09 PM
And they don't make you clean your room!
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/mxaa3p
Posted by: Sven DiMilo
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February 8, 2010 7:13 PM
Really? Really?
I mean, seriously?
You're talking about my mom on your little "weblog" here?
my mom?
Posted by: lenoxuss
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February 8, 2010 7:19 PM
My only issue with it:
Instead, she'll wander off in her weakened state and get devoured by a large predator. The idea here being that once you perpetuate your own genes, you don't have fuckall left to do so you should just let yourself become food for the rest of the animal kingdom.
A classic mistaken view of evolution; for some species, this may be true, but it's not too common — after all, there's the business of raising young, plus the possibility of having some more next season. Getting eaten by predators isn't usually good for your species in any case, because you've just fed something that can then survive long enough to eat your relatives. Getting eaten by your own kind, as with some insects, is therefore superior (I think. I could definitely be wrong about that).
The next statement: if our moms really wanted to impress us they'd take to the hills and fight it out with mountain lions after our first birthday, is certainly true, but not for remotely biological reasons.
Plus, that "getting eaten" bit sort of contradicts everything else the essay says. Or are octopus moms perhaps so awesome that they do all that stuff from beyond the watery grave? ;)
Okay, fine, another complaint: the section "Birth" changes its own standard for awesomeness from length/painfulness of birthing to number of offspring, physical dexterity involved, and number of offspring eaten. I mean, is labor really the hell for octopuses that it is for humans? That's at least one thing we can impress ourselves about… maybe?
I'm suddenly curious whether any other organism feels as much birthing pain as human moms (at least, from the apocrypha I've heard about our big heads being only just small enough to not kill moms).
Gee, I haven't been very positive about it… oh well. (I guess I read enough Cracked that I have certain precise expectations about that sort of writing style; it's like reading a parody newspaper that isn't The Onion. It certainly could be funny, but I have little way of knowing.)
Posted by: Brian
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February 8, 2010 7:25 PM
But now how do these two measure up to The Octomom?
Posted by: NewEnglandBob
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February 8, 2010 7:25 PM
Mom might call grandma and then you will be in for it double-barreled.
Posted by: https://www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawncr0FDc8gdl7yJBz0SJ15D0etcTIOtL0s
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February 8, 2010 7:30 PM
So, does this mean we won't be seeing Deathmatch Pharyngula: Ferocious Trophy Wife(tm) meets Humboldt Squid anytime soon?
I like the sound of Ferocious Trophy Wife(tm). OTOH, imagine a great big octopus with a massage table.
Ron Sullivan
http://toad.faultline.org
Posted by: Audley Z. Darkheart OM, purveyor of candy and lies
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February 8, 2010 7:30 PM
Mom might call grandma and then you will be in for it double-barreled.
Oh man, I hadn't even thought of that!
*ducks and hides in a coconut shell!*
Posted by: Sven DiMilo
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February 8, 2010 7:45 PM
But for octopuses, neither apply. They are semelparous--grow, breed once, and die, like salmon--and do not give any post-hatching parental care.
But the linked original statement about "might as well feed the rest of the animal kingdom" was stupid.
You need to distinguish between relatives and species. The species is irrelevant. Evolutionarily, it might in some circumstances be beneficial to be eaten by your direct offspring, less so by your siblings and nieces, sometimes by a mate (for example, a female may produce larger, healthier offspring as a result of eating the male post-fertilization) but never by a conspecific off the street.
hell no
Not as far as anybody knows.
Possible candidates:
kiwis (ouch!)
the paderloper tortoise
Posted by: sirutka
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February 8, 2010 8:22 PM
whether any other organism feels as much birthing pain as human moms?
I'm sure by the time I've posted this I'll be part of the choir, but I'm betting the Spotted Hyena doesn't have much fun.
Posted by: Sven DiMilo
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February 8, 2010 8:54 PM
ooh, ow, good one
Posted by: Akiko
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February 8, 2010 9:32 PM
As a mom myself I have to say he is right. We suck compared to the mighty octopus.
Posted by: Rey Fox, Bird Caller Guy
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February 8, 2010 9:38 PM
Just feel like mentioning that I nearly spit out my drink at the idea of a Trophy Mother.
Posted by: dae
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February 8, 2010 9:43 PM
Its obvious that octopuses are made in god's image.
Posted by: MichelleZB
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February 8, 2010 10:22 PM
Note: In order to thwart a bunch of emails, I'd like to point out that octopuses, octopi, and octopodes are all acceptable ways to pluralize octopus.
I'm offended by his accommodationist attitude.
Posted by: GaryU
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February 8, 2010 10:32 PM
The problem with Trophy Wives is you have to take them out of the case and dust them off.
Wait... I'm thinking of actual trophies. Thumbs up to Trophy Wives!
Posted by: Cuttlefish, OM, CR
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February 8, 2010 11:21 PM
Moms don't have eight legs?
Posted by: stefan.reinsberg
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February 9, 2010 12:03 AM
Well, the Spotted Hyena doesn't seem to have a good time during birth (near 20% maternal mortality). However, the squirrel monkey surely must be worse off: nearly 50% of mothers die from reproductive causes. Maybe if they evolved into washing their hands ...
Uh? How do I know about this. My women's due today and you have to cheer her up. You know, look on the bright side.
Posted by: ambulocetacean
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February 9, 2010 1:35 AM
Mmmm... Octomom omelette... eight eggs, no sausage.
Posted by: plien
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February 9, 2010 6:19 AM
I wonder, do american moms really do that?
Complaining about the birth of their children, i mean. I thought it was a comedy thing, not very funny i grant you, but that really happens?
It may be my dutchness snining through here, but if i were to complain, about what should i do that to whom? Birth of my daughter was mostly a breeze, there was one incompetent helper who hurt me, but that was only one.
Even if i where to say that to dear daughter, what would it establish? She certainly did not ask to be born. Oh, the complete selfishness of parents...
Maybe it is the awesomeness of SAFE homebirth we have in the Netherlands instead of the terrible unsafe conditions almost everywhere else on this planet (support MYBODY or other ngo's like them!) or the overmedicallised hospitalbirth in the rest of "western" society.
On the by, i'm sometimes accused of antrophomorfing animals, is this octophomorfing humans? Sadly it only takes a dig at one part of our species, but looking at the rest of the pages...
Posted by: Peter B.
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February 9, 2010 7:16 AM
What a marvelous word - "octopodal"!
BTW MichelleZB @ 17, I'm the one who keeps changing nonsense Wikipedia entries from "octopi" to "octopodes", and then I wait with great amusement for a few moments until someone else changes it to the acceptable Anglicised form "octopuses". I know some dictionaries - even reputable ones - list "octopi" as a valid plural for "octopus", but technically, this is just wrong, and the better ones bother to explain why.
Now don't start me off on platypuses/platypodes, cuz I thinks maybe I is becoming one!
Posted by: Usagichan
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February 9, 2010 7:27 AM
However they stack up vs mums, they certainly taste awesome... thinly sliced with a dash of wasabi... yum yum.
Posted by: Blind Squirrel FCD
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February 9, 2010 8:39 AM
Bah. I've been hit by one. After a shot of bleach, the blebs vanished in one half hour. Overrated.BS
Posted by: lenoxuss
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February 10, 2010 12:22 AM
#11 Sven DiMilo: Thank you for correcting my correction!
I presume that the original essay is technically incorrect that octopus "moms" do all those crazy things, given that an octopus mom is never long for this world?
#12 sirutka: Damn, I feel so male-centric that birth pain wasn't the first thing I thought of when I heard the Famous Hyena Sex Fact. Ouuch.
#22 plien: Well, there are a number of things Americans "communally complain" about. It's not a matter of guilt-tripping anyone, just of alerting future mothers.
(I have to say, I'd be pleasantly surprised if Netherlands birth was really overall a "breeze" compared to any other European or Western country. Some labor experiences are simply easier than others… still, if there's a Dutch secret to be shared, wonderful!)
Posted by: MichelleZB
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February 20, 2010 3:39 PM
@ 23... Okay, so I'm late in replying, but thanks for fighting the good fight, Peter B!