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PZ Myers is a biologist and associate professor at the University of Minnesota, Morris.
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…it seems that it would take less than half a million years to evolve a good camera eye … It's no wonder 'the' eye has evolved at least 40 times independently around the animal kingdom … It is a geological blink.
Richard Dawkins
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More articles by PZ Myers can be found on Freethoughtblogs at the new Pharyngula!
Category: Organisms • Weirdness
Posted on: February 1, 2010 3:59 AM, by PZ Myers
The things one learns on the internet — now I know the proper way to stimulate a bull elephant, in case the opportunity ever comes up. It looks strenuous and hazardous.
I'm also amazed at the way the elephant just stands there and accepts servicing by the team of creepy bipeds. If some small species of mammal tried to massage my prostate, I'd be on a rampage of squealing disgust trying to get the icky creatures out of my butt.
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Comments
Posted by: Bride of Shrek OM
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February 1, 2010 4:14 AM
Thats what they all say
Posted by: Bride of Shrek OM
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February 1, 2010 4:16 AM
..someone with less class than myself would be tempted to make a joke about Richard Gere and gerbils at this point.
Posted by: llewelly
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February 1, 2010 4:18 AM
Right, but it's an important step toward raising elephants for steak.
Posted by: neon-elf.myopenid.com
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February 1, 2010 4:31 AM
Some elephants are just kinky that way.
Next thing you know he'll be visiting websites featuring human/pachyderm pr0n.
Posted by: carlos.nunes-ueno.myopenid.com
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February 1, 2010 4:54 AM
I wonder in how many fields this statement can be made without the risk of a defamation suit.
On another note, I've been reading The Ringworld Throne and I'm thinking that the elephants just have their own version of rishathra.
Posted by: cousinavi
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February 1, 2010 4:55 AM
Methinks thou doth protest too specific.
Posted by: carlos.nunes-ueno.myopenid.com
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February 1, 2010 5:02 AM
Also, what would the equivalent animal be for a human? A racoon? Or maybe some kind of lemur? I think at this moment there's a site sprouting up featuring a guy being fisted by a shrew or something.
Posted by: Sauceress
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February 1, 2010 5:08 AM
Reading that, I immediately imagine "Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1tfUaBezFo
Posted by: MadScientist
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February 1, 2010 5:12 AM
Humph. Homocentric ferret-hater!
Posted by: pjsouza
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February 1, 2010 5:27 AM
The things in you learn in a Monday morning thanks to the internet...
Posted by: NewEnglandBob
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February 1, 2010 6:32 AM
What IS in that Irish coffee, PZ?
Posted by: Andyo
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February 1, 2010 7:12 AM
That's got to be a fun game of "guess my profession" at parties:
"There's a famous colleague who got a black eye from penis banging."
Posted by: Judy L.
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February 1, 2010 7:19 AM
So, we've got homosexual inter-species prostate-massage masturbation? Shouldn't some merry band of fundies be all over this, decrying the sinfulness of it all?
Posted by: Stephen Wells
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February 1, 2010 7:23 AM
One day, the guys trying to decode those elephant infrasonic communication rumbles will team up with the sperm collection guys. And we will discover the elephant equivalent for the phrase "Oh yeah, right there, right fucking there, monkey boy. Now spank me and call me Sarah."
Posted by: Naked Bunny with a Whip
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February 1, 2010 7:24 AM
Hmm. I guess I'd better not send PZ a copy of my illustrated fanfic, then.
Posted by: FollowTheGourd
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February 1, 2010 7:30 AM
I can't watch the video from work but is it anything like the giraffe scene from The League of Gentlemen's Apocalypse?
Posted by: MetzO'Magic
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February 1, 2010 7:44 AM
I'm almost afraid to ask, but is that video safe for work?
Posted by: Escuerd
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February 1, 2010 8:33 AM
Such an awesome quote.
Posted by: Naked Bunny with a Whip
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February 1, 2010 8:34 AM
@MetzO'Magic: There are brief shots of a guy with his hand up an elephant's ass, and the elephant's resulting erection, so take that as you will.
Posted by: Celtic_Evolution
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February 1, 2010 8:41 AM
I've never been so completely unsure about my desire to watch a video clip in my entire life... 8-/
Posted by: davem
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February 1, 2010 8:46 AM
Squid porn + Guinness =--> Elephant Porn
Posted by: Romeo Vitelli
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February 1, 2010 8:56 AM
I can truthfully say that the idea of masturbating an elephant never crossed my mind before. Now I don't think I can ever go to the zoo again without being reminded of this. Damn you, Myers!
Posted by: Naked Bunny with a Whip
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February 1, 2010 9:02 AM
It's 50 seconds of people milling around and 3 seconds of squick.
Posted by: Anubis Bloodsin the third
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February 1, 2010 9:07 AM
#22
Sorry I got ta do this...I am prepared for the dungeon...might catch up on my reading!
"Mum ...Dad and prepubescent son at the zoo!
Son to father...
"Dad what is that big thing between that elephant's back legs?
Father to son...
"Better ask your mother" says father a little embarrassed.
Son trots over to mum and a conversation ensues...
Son trots back to daddy...
"Mum says that's nothing"
Dad to son...
"Ahh! yeah well you see mummy is spoilt!"
Got me the coat and on me way...apologies for an oldie but goldie!
Posted by: drumprof
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February 1, 2010 9:14 AM
PZ...Its monday morning...second coffee in hand and I needed a good laugh...Thank You and have a good day,
Darrell
Posted by: Vadjong
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February 1, 2010 9:31 AM
I wanted to look up "proboscal sex", but my mother got the dictionary banned.
Posted by: https://me.yahoo.com/a/AKp_B_gSkpRDRUl5yBtgnnB0OHZG#94c23
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February 1, 2010 9:40 AM
Thanks for the mental image. Just what I needed to kick off my Monday morning...
--Raynfala
Posted by: Blondin
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February 1, 2010 9:42 AM
Years ago I worked for a company that repaired lab equipment for the local university (among other things) and one of the items that came in every once in a while was ram electro-ejaculators (this was in New Zealand). These were plastic devices that used a small pulsating current to stimulate the ram's prostate (via the rectum). There were a number of jokes associated with them like asking the tech if tested it, putting up a "sign-out" sheet for anyone who wanted to borrow it for the weekend, etc.
Posted by: Kane148
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February 1, 2010 10:17 AM
After seeing that, I now realize how I've been wasting my life...
Posted by: Eidolon
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February 1, 2010 10:19 AM
"So - howdya get that black eye?"
Now we have a better answer than a lame "I walked into a door."
Posted by: sonja1023
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February 1, 2010 10:51 AM
#28
Blondin, I work in the veterinary field, and am familiar with those jokes. The best one wrote itself - the name of the contraption was the Accujack. Truth in advertising, I suppose.
I will never forget the first time that we collected semen from a dog. Fortunately that's a doctor job, not a tech job, because I am certainly not paid enough to masturbate a dog... ugh. So, for these keepers, it could be worse. In theory.
Posted by: John Foust
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February 1, 2010 11:01 AM
That reminds me of an old joke:
What's grey and comes in quarts?
Posted by: Krystalline Apostate
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February 1, 2010 11:10 AM
So...a pachyderm fluffer? Wow.
On the serious side, this is (AIUI) a standard technique in animal husbandry, & is used on horses & cattle.
Posted by: leepicton
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February 1, 2010 11:19 AM
There was a show on TV about dirty jobs and one was about how to milk valuable horses so their bloodlines could be more efficiently propagated. You should have seen the size of those condoms - on a proportional basis, probably bigger than an elephant's. The most interesting part was the fact that one ejaculation was worth $14,000. The techs took their jobs VERY seriously.
Posted by: Louis
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February 1, 2010 12:02 PM
"...there's a famous colleague that got a black eye from penis banging..."
{too many jokes, trying to keep brain intact, the pain, the pain}
I'm going to lie down in a darkened room for a while. Actually no. I'm going to make myself a pitcher of pina coladas and drink until the mental images go away.
Louis
Posted by: Desert Son, OM
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February 1, 2010 1:02 PM
Given the sheer mass of the pachyderm relative to a human, I'd worry that a black eye would be the least of repercussions to the corpus of the master, uh, baiter.
Talk about "hazard pay."
Still learning,
Robert
Posted by: kalox
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February 1, 2010 1:02 PM
You just never know what you are going to learn today
Posted by: slingshot2hell
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February 1, 2010 1:05 PM
What I don't understand is why this is totally legal, but if you did this same thing and masturbated yourself at the same time, or used a penis to stimulate the elephant, it is illegal...
Posted by: lykex
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February 1, 2010 1:35 PM
Presumably, if you just neglected to collect the semen, it would be illegal.
Posted by: Amenhotepstein
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February 1, 2010 2:05 PM
I'd like to propose the use of the phrase "Masturbate the Elephant" as a euphemism for doing something unwise - kinda like "Tickling the Dragon's Tail" - with the added implication that the act may be beneficial to the recipient but potentially embarrassing to the perpetrator.
For example: "I heard Dawkins friended AiG on their Facebook page - he'd better stop masturbating the elephant!"
Whadda ya'll think? PZ?
Posted by: Brownian, Most Vicious & Petty of Pharyngulites
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February 1, 2010 2:27 PM
Prude.
Posted by: Sven DiMilo
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February 1, 2010 2:53 PM
fortunately, the icky creatures in my butt are nonmammalian
Posted by: Silič O'Nopolitanopoulos, Färschdbischuf Beesknees aus Ulm und Klein Elguth, Elector Pharynguline.
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February 1, 2010 2:59 PM
*wikipeeks*
Rishathra:
Yeah. You do need to modify that definition.
Posted by: Rev. BigDumbChimp
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February 1, 2010 3:00 PM
Back to Buttweasels I see.It all comes full circle here.
Posted by: Moggie
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February 1, 2010 3:05 PM
#38:
Why so bitter? Can't you leave that incident behind you and move on?
Posted by: alysonmiers
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February 1, 2010 3:16 PM
The end of this post is probably the funniest thing I've seen in days.
Posted by: Desert Son, OM
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February 1, 2010 4:17 PM
Non-sequitur, but I'm thinking "Creepy Bipeds" would be a great band name.
Still learning,
Robert
Posted by: Palmtreez101
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February 1, 2010 5:33 PM
So I guess Tom Green did it wrong.
Posted by: Stardrake
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February 1, 2010 6:45 PM
"If some small species of mammal tried to massage my prostate, I'd be on a rampage of squealing disgust trying to get the icky creatures out of my butt."
Ah, but what about some small species of cephalopod? Hmmmm?
Posted by: MetzO'Magic
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February 1, 2010 7:09 PM
Thanks, Naked Bunny et. al.
In the end, I erred on the side of caution and decided to watch it at home. Not as groundbreaking as I expected it to be. Bring on the squid pr0n, by all means.
Posted by: steve
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February 1, 2010 8:45 PM
Veterinary lab tech: Dr. Myers, if you wanna come on back, we'll show you how to do this so next time you don't have to bring in the elephant, you can just bring in the semen.
PZ: That's ok, he follows me around too much as it is!
Posted by: teamcinzano
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February 1, 2010 9:37 PM
Ray Comfort: "You see how the arm fits perfectly to stimulate the animal's prostate. Surely it was designed with this purpose."
Someone should totally make a mashup.
Posted by: atomjack
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February 1, 2010 10:48 PM
Inasmuch as an elephant's penis is prehensile (thanks, Animal Planet- sometimes animal porn channel for that little tidbit), that elephant seems to have had a pretty good aim when he punished that perverted mammal fisting him. Just remember that the sex should be consensual.
Posted by: atomjack
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February 1, 2010 10:52 PM
...reacharound, not fisting...
Posted by: Blondin
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February 2, 2010 11:47 AM
Speaking of pachyderm fluffers, I hear the pay is peanuts but the tips are enormous!
Posted by: ButchKitties
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February 3, 2010 12:28 PM
It's a sign of my upbringing that this video seemed completely normal to me, although we horse breeders have generally abandoned manual stimulation for breeding dummies with artificial vaginas.
Posted by: Stephen Wells
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February 4, 2010 9:08 AM
@56: I'm sure the stallions are very grateful for that.
The RealHorse. Blimey. Technology advances once again.